Mop-Up Nitro 9.4.00 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro

August has barely been gone for hours and already it's a crisp 40 degrees overnight in the Northeast.

God blows goats

NITRO: (or The Match BEYOND... ((butnotbeyondthealmightyswervebooking)))

-WCW Logo: It switched from heel to face 20 times this Summer. Much like all other WCW angles... nobody noticed.

-OOOPS... I'm sorry, I forgot... this is WRESTLING... I have to treat it with F-ing AWE... I have to capitalize "Heel" and "Face"... my bad.

-Christopher Daniels gets dumped but they keep that ugly logo... no WONDER they lost the war.

-opens with a video package of everything that is WCW la.... wait a second, hold on...


-oh... crap... it was the funky video effects... I thought my TV was on the fritz...

-oh... crap... now my TV IS on the fritz... F-ing Russo.

-cool montage, though...

-My GOD!!! Look at those WCW workers RUN through the construction of the cage! Jesus... shoddy, half-assed work like that cannot be good. THE CAGE IS GOING TO COLLAPSE THE MOMENT A FLY LANDS ON IT!!!!!! IT'S A DEATH TRAP!!! IT'S WCW'S QUEST TO HAVE THEIR VERY OWN "OWEN MOMENT"!!!!!

-Actually... if that cage collapses... it would be SO COOL!!! FALL, YOU BASTARD!!!! FALL!!!!!!!

-Vince Russo is seen leading his RWO backstage. Vince has a "New Jersey Devils" hockey jersey on. Oh I LOVE Hockey... bunch of Frenchmen swinging stick at each other. Put them against a German team and they'll forfeit the game before the puck drops and then help the Germans throw the audience into giant Ovens.

-They are LIVE in Dallas, Texas. Where RAW was just very recently... so allow me to take a second, run to THAT recap... and throw in all the Dallas jokes I used then... hang on...

-Oh, right. They ran a pay per view at Dallas... I don't do Pay Per Views. So, it's a open field.


-best I can do.. F-You very much.

-I hear the Mayor of Dallas will publically declare today "WCW Day" for helping to break up the Godless heat wave! Nothing frostier than sitting in a Nitro audience... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

-opening theme... brand spanking NEW opening theme... well, brand spanking NEW opening theme if you never saw a single episode of RAW this year.

-I will tell you that there is NO shot of Flair, or Hogan (My God, it WAS a shoot), or Hall, or Hart, or Page, or Bagwell, or Kanyon, or Shane Douglas, or David Flair, or Luger, or any Filthy Animals, or even Vince Russo.

-But, they did manage to get a RARE shot of Kevin Nash using his secret X-Ray vision.

-Tony Schiavone announces that this show is "five years in the making". Five years of this. And I'm SURE we will STILL get a production glitch or two... or TWENTY.

-As the Insipid Clown Pussy (ever have clown pussy? It takes WEEKS getting that white makeup off yer pecker) comes out... Tony introduces Jeremy Boreass to the broadcast team, claiming that Scott Hudson had to rushed in because his Wife is in labor (I thought she was in labor last week? Christ, that brat don't want to LEAVE!) Madden calls him "bald and boring", so there is no change. Boreass said, "Hey, come on now... I may be bald and beautiful, but I'm not boring!" (oye... smells like another F-ing loser).

-Tony promises to explain WHY Boreass is there. Oh no Tony, TELL US NOW!!! THE WORLD IS DYING TO KNOW!!!! DON'T PLAY WITH OUR DI**S IF YOU DON'T PLAN ON FINISHING US OFF!!!!

-The Filthy Animals came out. Well, it's good to get these guys out of the way early. 

-whatever to the potential Russo said Disco was "reeking" with?

-Konan grabbed a mic. Asked Tygress if she liked the shirt he was wearing, then offered her a feel... she did, he said, "That's enuuuuuff"... I wonder if Tygress would've liked it while it was on the poor old white guy K-Spank jacked it from?

-Konan called ICP "Abbott and Costello", then called them "Cranberries"... what does that even MEAN, YOU DICKHEAD???

-Konan wanted to "speak on this"... that's it for me.

-ICP attacked mid-speech... for God's sakes, now I'm cheering for the fat white rappers in makeup.

-Konan and Disco hit the Announce table. Madden made up the word "collisional"... I checked, it ain't happening. Looks like me and Mark's fat mother will have another sick little session once again this week.

-maybe two

-Boreass's first big moment came when he asked Konan, "You always say 'You got it like that', does ICP have it like that?" Konan said no. I have NEVER heard Konan say "You got it like that!"

-Boreass is straight out of WCW Live, by the way... I'll have PLENTY to say about that stupid show when the time comes.

-Konan tried to get in another Richard Gere/Gerbils joke. I may write to his agent MYSELF and tell them about this.

-Rey Mysterio had Devil's horns glued to his head. I bet he's licked plenty of ball sweat in his day.

-The Animales won. They are so cute... dammit.

-Backstage, Paula Pollshock has Lance Storm in a gym with Flex Elixer (ferchrissakes) and Major Gunns running on a treadmill. Lance tells Paula that since MIA lost that POW match, Gunns gets to be a Canadian... but before she can live that dream oot, she has to prove her worth in a fitness test. Paula promised "the fans" that she will stay with this story all night. (What fans?)

-Ernest Miller... wearing ALL WHITE (Uncle TOM!!) enters a Limousine with his white babe (MAJOR UNCLE TOM!!!!). Has someone told Jay Zee about this? Has DMX been briefed?

-Tony screams, "WHY IS THE CAGE COMING DOWN???" Madden shrieks... overselling his fat f-ing ass... as usual. Okay... here we go...


-Here's something to make you weep for the future... Amanda, that 17 year old, admitted to already giving up some anal. SHE'S 17!!!!!!!!


-a totally naked and totally blonde Jill Kelly is asking Colt Steel to F-her brains out because she is SO horny. Oh man, this is one of my favorite sce.... wait just a gosh darn second....


-oh no... one of my porn tapes now has 11 minutes of Nitro... in a few years, when I totally forget about this and start fishing for some manuel encouragement ... I'm going to be in for one HELL of a surprise. Man, Russo SUCKS!!! 

-This isn't a joke either... this really happened to me tonight. Serves me right for looking for a little release 30 minutes before the show.

-still on commercials. TNT is offering money to us if we watch "Bull". Want to know the Hell that is being an actor in Hollywood? Stanley Tucci is one of the best damn actors around and he's a bit player in this show.

-In Fall Brawl, Kevin Nash will take on Booker T. The irony is that one of these guys HAS bad knees, and the other one PRETENDS to have bad knees.

-Tony tried to get Boreass to go over the rules of the Wargames (there are two that I know... Arn goes in first and the Horsemen ALWAYS get bitchslapped... oh, and at one point, Schiavone ALWAYS says, "Arn Anderson is really, really hurt in there!").

-Madden says that Booker T, "doesn't walk on the same side of the street as he does"... (would that be in the back of the bus, too? You chubby semen tank?)

-Russo came out with the Natural Born Thrillers. They stayed outside the cage as Russo entered... because Russo = RATINGS!!!!

-Russo opens up by promising that the WCW will entertain the crowd tonight (is it really true that there was only 2500 in attendance? TWO THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED????? COME ON... NO WAY!!!!!), NOT like their Dallas Cowboys failed to do on Sunday... (most annoying four words you heard in ANY sports bar in the 90's... "HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!!!")

-Dude, the Packers are primed this year... it won't even be close


-Troy Aikman has a bad shoulder!


-Michael Irving blows!

-Yeah, but HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!!

-Parcells is the best coach since Lombardi

-Yeah, but HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!!

-Then you jam the beer mug directly into his face.

-You know, Edge, Christian, Angle, and Mick Foley all GOOF on the kind of cheap heat Russo is working. It's an inside joke now.

-Madden, BEGGING for a lawsuit, added, "Did Michael Irving retire? Or was he just powdering his nose? I hope Irving DOES sue... serves them right for festering this 350 pound tumor on us.


-Crowd chanted "ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE"... WCW production tried to bleep it out in synch... 

-Russo said he was there to talk about the Triple Threat Wargames 2000. He discussed the new rules. One man must climb up three levels, grab the belt, and climb down. 

-Russo said there were two teams of four... with HIS team being the "babyfaces" and Goldberg's team being the "babyfaces".

-Tony, admiring the cage, said, "Wow. Every bit of this cage is forty feet high!" Does this mean every team member will be wearing a JET PACK, TONY????? WILL THEY HAVE TO FLY UP JUST TO REACH THE DOOR?????? IMBECILE!!!

-Russo says the his "Jew Yawk" Lawyers made it possible for the Cat to have NO stroke tonight... so each memeber of the "Heels" have to go through "Qualifying matches" tonight.

-Oh, and he waived the "physicality rule" against Goldberg tonight. So Goldberg can touch him.

-Russo promised that HE will be WCW champ tonight. I bet he will too. I doubt anyone will be too surprised.

-Kevin Nash walked out. Obviously less than thrilled at the idea that he has to climb the cage. (He's more like Freddy Dukes... keep him grounded and no force on Earth can touch him.)

-Nash enters the ring. He has a mic and asks Russo what he's been smoking? (He didn't start with "You knowww"? Aw shit... FIRE UP THE VCRS, PEOPLE!!! BIG SEXY IS WORKING OFF THE BOOKS!!!)

-Nash said that he defends the belt when HE decides to. He ain't no "fighting champ"... he'll do it once, every thirty days...but that's it. (how refreshing... how 80's Hogan... and 90's)

-Russo says that Nash does NOT tell him what he's going to do. Russo told him that he is the boss. 

-Nash reminded Russo that he might be the boss, but out there... "I'm your daddy!"

-Sting's music came on... Sting popped out from beneath the ring... because he has MAGICAL POWERS!!! Including the newfound ability to actually SLEEPWALK through his matches!

-Russo pushed Kevin and screamed, "Kick his ass, Kevin!!!" Nash gave Russo a mini-crotch chop, a double middle finger (because Russo wants to be McMahon in the WORST way), and walked out. Sting grabbed a mic and told Russo that he will be qualifying tonight because it's Showtime, folks! Sting left just as Tony screamed that Nash left Russo alone in the ring with Sting (your timing rules, Tony... as always).

-Russo gave Sting the "Up Yours" gesture... Sting jumped back into the ring... Russo climbed to the second level... Sting followed him... Scott Steiner and Jeff Jarrett ran out and climbed too... Booker T and the Cat ran out. The Thrillers got involved... Tony screamed, "DONNYBROOK!!! IT'S DONNYBROOK!!! (WHO is this "Donny Brook" and WHY is he getting a push right out of the F-ing gate????)

-... ugh... way to telegraph a line, Hyatte... stupid F**K

-Russo climbed to the tippety top... Sting chased... Russo climbed down from the outside of the cage. From the INSTANT he hit the floor and while walking backwards up the ramp, Russo tapped his temple with his finger. See, he is making sure we know that he is "smart"... once we realize his intention, he then goes about to oversell the tap... see. he's smart... he taps his temple... he's smart. Still tapping... still smart. If he drops his hand, we might think he's dumb... so he keeps tapping... smart. 

-He NEVER wrote this move for McMahon. I NEVER saw Vince tap his head like a monkey.

-Does Russo realize that there really is a difference between writing the part and acting the part? NOT EVERYONE CAN DO IT!!!!!

-Goldberg's music came on... Goldberg walked out. Russo, to his credit, didn't do one of those silly McMahon "gulps".

-Russo runs away. Goldberg surmises that his team mates are being ganged up on in the cage and does NOTHING!!! FACE MY ASS, HE'S STILL A DOUCHEBAG!!!!!

-Tony, "YOU WANT HEAT?? WE GOT IT TONIGHT!!!!" The city of Dallas spent all of August, except for 4 days, sweltering under temperatures well over 100 degrees... heat is the LAST thing they need.

-Still... with only 2500 people in supposed attendance... there was PLENTY of cool air for everyone... heh.

-commercials. Teri and Howie: whatever "chemistry" is... they don't have it.

-If you ever see Teri Hatcher on the street... call her a "fat old cow"... watch her have a breakdown.

-Moments ago... Russo showed that he can still outwit a crafty Jew.

-We are in Russo's office. Jarrett is pacing. Steiner is standing there. And there he stands.

-still standing

-still standing

-standing... still

-a voice off camera yells, "We're live, Scotty!!!"


-5 years... and we still have our first Production glitch before the first 30 minutes.

-God Bless Nitro

-The Announcers get face time. Madden has his hair parted down the middle and feathered back. Fat bitch thinks it's 1989... which, coincidentally, is the last time he spoke with a woman.

-Jeremy Boreass is wearing shades... like Madden... because if there is one person EVERY announcer should emulate...

-Bareass has a perfectly bland face...

-clips of the Nitro Girls shaving Boreass's head. Boreass waits until he has several bald strips before trying to run... yeah, that makes sense.

-Hudson is there too. We are QUICKLY told by Tony that Hudson RUSHED home after this scene... lest WCW be caught in an unprofessional snafu... Heaven FORBID!!!

-Back to the Announcers... Madden says that this is the first time Boreass has ever been sht(bleep)ed by the Nitro girls...then privately burst into hysterics over that NAUGHTY joke that no one got to hear. HEY MARK!! I HAD YOUR MOMMA RIDDING DOGGY STYLE, THEN I GRABBED HER NIPPLES AND HAD MY FRIENDS RUN OUT WITH A VIDEO CAMERA!!! THEN I HELD ON FOR DEAR LIFE AS THE OLD BITCH TRIED TO GET AWAY!!! IT'S CALLED THE RODEO!!! SHE LOVED IT, LOVED IT, LOVED IT!!!!!

-maybe one more for the week.

-Tony says that because Hudson had to bail, Boreass, who won or lost a WCW Live bet, got to stay all night. You just KNOW Ryder will take a seat one day.


-and they sound like the weakest ass morning DJ "Zoo" team imaginable. None of these Homos have ANY sort of radio voice. Ryder has this southern hick drawl that would give Ned Beatty douchechills.

-I may have to get Murtz to give ME a 5 minute RWS show every week. Like everything else on this internet... I have to show you how it's done.

-First off, I'd do every show drunk out of my gourd... every single one.

-Look at Madden... so cocky that Boreass is the new guy.

-The Harris Boys show up "unexpectedly". Boreass asks if EVERY Nitro is this... err... then realized that he just admitted to not even watching the show. HA!!! BONEHEAD!!! IT'S OKAY!! WE KNOW YOU GUYS WATCH RAW!! HOW ELSE CAN YOU RIPOFF EVERYTHING THEY DO SO QUICKLY????

-The Harris Boys steal a mic and DEMAND that they play a little video footage they have. They DEMAND.

-Closeup on Madden... Tony ducks his head into range and nervously (although it looked like he was containing a giggle) says, "Play the footage, now... NOW!!" See, what they were going for was the concept that Nitro is OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!!

-They show the footage of the Harris boys outside a non-descript building. They say that Kronic SHOULD be working out, but instead they are in there... then they go inside.


-The Harris boys attack. Strange, I didn't hear anyone call anyone a "darky". AND WHERE ARE THE JAPS???

-I promise you this... if NITRO ever does one of these segments from the "Friendly Tap" in MY town... I vow to march over there and lecture these yokels on the lameness of SUCH BLATANT RIP-OFFS!!!! 

-I remind you.. I also once promised to do four straight months of recapping if I won that ScoopThis award... I'm sure a good number of you remember THAT fiasco.


-"Urban Legends: Final Cut"... because the first movie left us with so many unanswered questions? (old joke... very old)

-Shane Douglas in in Russo's office and wants Goldberg in that qualifying match. Russo reminds him that this ain't the Jewish guy he normally fights with... Douglas still demands GB... and brought in the Thrillers as his back up.

-Torie Wilson went into high shrill (MY EARS!!! MY EARS!!) and SHRIEKED that the Thrillers were losers and Douglas could do it on his own. Douglas was convinced (oh, that vag can make a man think he can FLY)... they left. Russo grabbed the Thrillers and told them to watch Shane's back anyway.

-Sting came out.

-Vampiro and Muta came out. Unbeknownst to the Announcers, this was a handicapped match.

-Which Sting won... quickly... bye bye push!

-Anyone else thinks it's strange that Sting is set for a HUGE push back to main event status just a couple of weeks after my AAT column about how unused he has become? Widro is SURE it's a coincidence... I mean, who in the business visits 411?

-Me, I think that there is a slight chance I kept at least a COUPLE of insiders from Scoops... and ScoopThis was pretty popular with the in-crowd too.

-Boreass sows that he fits right in with this pearl, "Don't forget, if ANYONE can do it, it's Sting!" (sigh)

-Muta and Vampiro started shoving each other. ICP ran out to break them up.

-Pollshock was with Storm and crew... Gunns was pushing the nautilus pec weights and sweating freely. "But I don't WANNA be Canadian!!"... (yes, but we Americans aren't calling the Marines to bring you back home, sweet tits)

-In Russo's office... Stevie Ray was bitching and moaning about fighting his Brother tonight (well, not really... but it was obvious to anyone over 4 years old). Russo said that Stevie WILL do it or it's BACK to the Cotton Fields!!!! (well, he might as WELL have said that).


-Jarrett tried to calm down Nash about Russo. Nash ain't having it. Nash said, "Let me tell you something right now!" Well, adios shoot... it was fun while it lasted!

-Stevie Ray came out. He had a mic. "You know, I had a funny feeling in my GUT... when I came into Dallas, Texas tonight." (yeah, flashing police lights in the rear view mirror will do that).

-Ray said that the "low down dirty snake", Vince Russo, has threatened to tear up his contract if he don't do this match with his Brother (FREE AT LAST!!! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, STEVIE IS FREE AT LA... then again... why would the WWF take HIM?)

-Madden used the word "suckas"... which is more racist than ANYTHING I can ever say! Well, that's not really true... I've told some horribly offensive jokes in my time... just never IN the column... and I wouldn't.

-oh shut up... EVERY white guy does... it's because we are jealous of you guys... athletic... well hung... can dance. It's just jealousy.

-Stevie said that they WILL do it, but not for Russo, but for the FANS IN TEXAS!!! (Texas was drooling for a Harlem Heat in-fight? Why?)

-Booker came out... they added his new catchphrase "Don't hate the playa..." at the start of his song. Much li.. no, EXACTLY LIKE the WWF did with Rocky's "If you smeeeell"... assholes. Sheer a-holes just BEGGING us to make the comparison. 

-I wonder when the Announcers will start praising Booker for his work in the "Mummy" sequel? They'll do it too. They'll just assume none of us can tell the difference.

-Booker came out and said that he's going to make this "short and quick" (HA!! Every first date I've ever had)

-Booker said something, then capped off with his "Don't hate the Playa..." bit.. because dammit, WCW WANTS THEIR "ROCK" AND THEY WANT HIM NOW!!! (go ahead... try to explain how this "war" isn't over... how Nitro still has a chance to be the number 1 promotion in the country)

-Stevie attacks Booker and they go at it. Booker has a HUGE band-aid on his neck... a huge FLESH COLORED BAND-AID THAT BLENDS IN WITH THE SKIN!!! (the struggle continues)

-Booker fights off some power shots and delivers the Axe Kick...

-Spinerooni, which Madden yelled three times. We should lynch the NON-Douchebag who allowed his lovely and charming wife to watch this show long enough to actually come up with a name for this move. (happy now? Mr. Librarian Party Member?)

-Stevie caught his Brother's front kick and gave him a Spine Buster...

-Stevie went for the... something... Booker countered with... something... then it was time for the Book Bottom... Stevie countered... 

-Booker hit another Rock End... and pinned his Big Brother (show sucks)

-After the match, Booker got on the stick and yelled, "What the Hell as that all about, Man?"

-Stevie, "Like I told you, a long time ago... suckas got to know, keep your guard up!! Because that's the way we play the game!!" They hug.. I dive for my ebonics thesaurus and start frantically trying to decipher this mess..

-Okay... apparently, Booker said, "Wild ducks are paddling in my shorts" To which Stevie replied, "This blister on my finger is starting to grow a beard." Weird.

-Backstage, the Kronolytes attack the Jung Dragons... because it's what they do now... then they offered to protect them for beer money.


-Three Count were about to dance... but Kronic came out. Tony said that they were "powerwalking"... because they have pounds to lose... like everyone else.

-The Krackolytes (same great rush, with only half the fat) mauled 3 Count. Then Brian Adams grabbed the mic. (wouldn't it beat all if he said, "I WANT MY DEMON GIMMICK BACK!!!")

-Nope.. he called out the Harris Brothers. And so, the most boring feud of the last 10 years goes on... (well, maybe the Big Bossman vs the Big Show... but at least that had some "zip")

-Geeze... the Big Show was once WWF champ. It almost feels like a dream now.

-Adams, "We all do things in life, we have to live with!!!" Or, you can commit suicide! That's the one thing all religions have in common, they say that suicide is BAD and you will go straight to Hell if you do it. BULL!!! That's just them covering their own asses!!! Go kill yourself... if you were a good soul, you'll get into Heaven. Trust me.

-but why are you listening to ME? For crying out loud... what do I know? I'm an idiot.

-This is me covering 411's ass. I have total censor free rights here... I'm fixin' on keeping them

Click Here For Part 2!!!

-Tony, "Every fan around the world wants to see the Harris Brothers go up against Kronic!!" (name ONE!!! DOUCHEBAG!!!)

-Jeff Jarrett came out and made an edited reference to pot in his slapnuts phrasing. He said that the Krackolytes can go feud with the Bald Boys on their own time... because right now, they have to make sure that Ernest Miller doesn't qualify. It's a handicapped match.

-Miller came out. Okay... so he's pretty entertaining on the mic... I'll give you that. No problems there... but this guy still SUCKS AS A WORKER!!! WHY IS HE SUDDENLY A BIG TIME FACE?????


-Jarrett took a seat at the table... there really was no need for his involvement in this segment. I bet... I will WAGER MY PENIS, that it's in his contract that he gets a guaranteed amount of mic time per show.

-Jarrett justified the time on Thunder when he hit Miller's bitch with a guitar by saying that a woman's place is in the kitchen... barefoot and pregnant (Of COURSE he would say that... of COURSE... )

-alas... now it puts a real damper on the last great line Jarrett ever had... nearly a year ago when he said, "Tony, THIS is WCW... why would I hit a woman?"

-Miller got on the horn and told Kronic that the fight isn't with HIM... their fight is with Jarrett... so why don't they all mosey over and whup some redneck ass.. (Gee, why doesn't he just PAY THEM!!! THAT'S THEIR GIMMICK NOW!!!)

-Kronic agreed... they turned to Jarrett... Miller rolled Adams from behind and snuck in for a pin (HA!! sneaky bastard!!)

-Adams kicked out... it was a vicious double team.

-Miller snuck out. Jarrett went over to the bimbo... Miller grabbed him from behind. The bitch slapped him. Madden called her a tramp... with some real emotion behind it. Wonder why? Could Madden have issues with women? Could Madden FEAR women?

-Is that a trick question?

-Kronic won, eventually. So Kronic gets into the Wargames.

-Backstage... Russo was crowing about getting Miller out. Steiner points out that he just allowed Kronic IN. Russo made the connection and realized the mess he just made. I think being in WCW automatically siphons off your intelligence. There is no WAY Russo would have written such retarded scenes up North.

-Goldberg is all set!! 


-Whoever named their cable company "Cox" had one sick sense of humor. ("I have a cable, it's a COX")

-Goldberg and Scott Steiner are ready to go at Fall Brawl. Funny thing, neither man is all fired up to actually "fall" that night. 

-Shane Douglas comes out with the tittie woman. She's kinking her hair up like Chyna. Somehow though, she makes it work.

-Shane took the mic and told the "Dallas Asses" (ugh... how WEAK) to shaddup and let Torrie talk.

-Torrie talked. Guess which mouthy WWF female SHE is trying to be? I'll give you a hint... next week, they will encourage the fans to chant "SLUT"!

-"WCW: If We Can't Be Them, We'll Become Them. You're Stupid, Since We Come On First, You'll Just Think They Are Copying Us" (good luck getting THAT on a tee shirt. boys!)

-Shane got back on... y'know, just because he speaks clearly and doesn't flub his lines... he can still be boring as Hell. And MAN... can he RAMBLE.

-Hello pot... I'm a Kettle... you be BLACK.

-Next thing we know... Dillenger is at Goldberg's dressing room door. There may have been chanting involved.

-Then we hear a bang... Dillenger jumped, as if he's NEVER EXPERIENCED THIS BEFORE... (*sigh... with a slight groan thrown in for good measure*)

-Goldberg comes out.

-Goldberg is escorted to the entrance way.

-Goldberg heals NO ONE!! 

-Douglas looks worried. Boreass says "Don't count him out!!!" Boreass sounds like a perfect fit for those "Revenge of the Nerds" movies... thin, nasally, reedy... the type of voice that makes girls say, "No thanks, I have a boyfriend!"

-I, of course, have a deep... booming falsetto... with a SICK Rhode Island accent that I HATE!!

-For the last 25 years... I've been pronouncing the word "idea" as "idear"... 

-Tony tells us that GB has been with WCW for almost 3 years now, and every time he comes out he has been the "most exciting, most frightening, most intense individual that we have EVER witnessed!!" (You know... I HAVE to agree. He may have been marketed to the point of nasuea... but he DOES back it up. That's right... I gave the Big Guy some props. EAT ME!!!)

-They might as well dump that piped in "Goldberg" chant, tho'... don't really need it anymore.

-The bell rings... GB shoves Shane away

-GB with a leg take-down with a submission follow up... Shane dives out of the ring.

-GB props Shane up by the steel post by the neck... Shane ducks the forearm... it hits the post. Boreass is quick to point out that's where GB's "injury" took place.

-Madden isn't letting Boreass say ANYTHING without a snippy comment. It's okay... Madden's Mother was blowing me once... and right at the moment of climax, I YANKED my thing out and jammed it against her cheek!!! The resulting impact gave her a big purple blotch!!! DID YOU NOTICE IT MADDEN??? DID YOU NOTICE THE PURPLE MUSHROOM ON YOUR MOMMA'S CHEEK??????

-GB lifted Dougls off the mat and back down with one arm. This is supposed to be a display of power... Tony acted like he just lifted a mountain.

-GB set himself up for the Spear... the Thrillers ran out.

-GB cleaned house. The Main Event started standing there like a douchebag, posing for the people. GB was behind him and stared at him.

-The Thrillers went down systematically. GB even gave Reno his own finisher right back at him.

-The Main Event took a Pump Handle.

-GB picked up the leader of the Thrillers into a Gorilla Slam position. Douglas slipped back in with a chain around his hand. GB dropped the Thriller behind him and speared Douglas. I have no problems admitting to being impressed with the fluidity of this move. That's right... I'm a Goldberg mark... F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!

-GB hit the Jackhammer and beat Douglas... he's in the games.

-BUT... since he worked his one match of the night, do NOT expect GB to do much in the main. In fact, I fully expect him to be handcuffed within MOMENTS of showing up... then Bret Hart will Je... I mean SCREW him out of the title win! That's my GUESS!!

-commercials. Someone had best tell Bagwell that the WWF does NOT recognize those WCW credit cards. 

-They ran a "special preview, for Nitro fans ONLY, of the 'Way of the Gun'". Once again, Tony fails to realize that the movie has to be RELEASED before it can be "one of Fall's HOTTEST new movies"

-Of course, that "special preview, for Nitro fans ONLY, of the 'Way of the Gun'". Was the same F-ing spot showing all over TV.

-You can win a car if you admit to going to it's not worth the embarassment.

-Footage of what just happened.

-Russo spots Nash and tries to make peace. Nash tells him to "peace off".

-The Announcers get face time. Who would have DREAMED that Schiavone would one day be the most handsome member of the announce team.

-Lance Storm now has Major Gunns in a swimming pool. Paula Pollshock is there specifically to get dunked in. Storm gave me chuckle when he told Gunns, "You're almost done... just a hundreds more laps to go. Gunns, "But I don't WANNA be a Canadian!!" OOH.. THAT VOICE... can you imagine... waking up and hearing that voice... arrrgh!!

-The Misfits were seen, OBVIOUSLY seen watching this... it looked SO bad. Then they started loudly talking because all Canucks have shit in their ears.

-After Pollshock was thrown in the water... the Misfits attacked Storm and Elixer.. they had two babes with HUGE gazoobos in the pool and they went right after the men... HOMOS!!! FAGS!!!! QUEERS!!!!!!

-Russo told the Thrillers that he's about to become WCW champ... but they had best go and take care of Vito... because someone has it in their head that Vito can become a STAR!!!! 


-Paula Pollshock asked Arn Anderson if Ric Flair will be at his son's wedding next week. Arn asks Pollshock why a 21 year old kid making a 6 figure salary even WANT to get married? I ask God why, by all that is HOLY, is David F-Ing Flair making a 6 figure salary? FOR WHAT??? IS HE OVER??? DOES HE FILL SEATS????

-Oh, and yes, Flair WILL be there... because RAW is back and this little two week vacation they are having is OVER.

-We are invited to this wedding... I WOULD pray that it comes on a 9:00... but why bother? I have to watch it and rip it to shreds anyway.

-Mucho Vito came out with his stickball stick... we see how he attacked Russo last week.

-He got on the stick and said Dallas was FILLED with good looking Italians... show me ONE.

-He bragged about taking out Russo last week, then told Russo to bring it on because he has the biggest Grapefruits in WCW (F-You... come up with your OWN term for balls, F-ing Dago) 

-The Natural Born Thrillers came out. The Leader dude held the team out at the entrance way and said, "Let me tell you something, Vito". (Just ONCE I'd like to see someone NOT let someone else tell him something)

-He said that Vito is a LOT like Dallas... because Dallas is filled with nothing but, "a bunch of Cheeze Whiz sucking, Trailer Trash, homeless, no good BUMS!!!" (wouldn't it be nice for just ONE week, NO ONE on Nitro calls the people in the town "trailer trash"? Christ, they could play at Madison Square Garden and Scott Steiner would call the crowd "trailer trash".)

-Vito got on the stick and said that this was no way to talk about "all yous friends mommas!!"

-Madden, "HE MENTIONED MOMMAS!!!" (Your lucky I'm through with yours, Jello Tits)

-The Leader said that they were the most "genetically jacked"

-Vito said that they were always jacking each other off in the shower...

-This continued... seemingly, both men were working off entirely different scripts.

-Finally, the NBT rushed the ring. Vito fought well, with that Stick... but he was trounced. Then the NBT took turns blasting him with their individual finishers. 

-I like the Thrillers. Vito is a waste. No heat there.

-Backstage, Russo has donned a Hockey helmet. 


-because we might have been peeing... they show us the EXACT SAME... oh, why bother writing something new? I'll just copy and paste...

-They ran a "special preview, for Nitro fans ONLY, of the 'Way of the Gun'". Once again, Tony fails to realize that the movie has to be RELEASED before it can be "one of Fall's HOTTEST new movies"

-Of course, that "special preview, for Nitro fans ONLY, of the 'Way of the Gun'". Was the same F-ing spot showing all over TV.

-You can win a car if you admit to going to it's not worth the embarrassment.

-Pollshock talked to all the "good guys" who will be gaming except for Goldberg. Sting has a vitality I haven't seen since I wrote that essay!! (People LISTEN DAMMIT!!!!! BOOYAAA)

-By the way, this is an excellent show this week. No foolin'

-The cage is being lowered

-Jarrett stepped out... loaded up with thick elbow pads... he'll be climbing.


-Sting came out. Push or no push, he STILL looks sluggish.


-They start fighting, for two minutes... then a new member comes out. If history serves... the Heels should get the advantage.

-Steiner comes out with a nose brace on. Looks better than that damn head dress.

-Sting gets trounced. You can almost hear him say, "I'll just lie down for the next ten minutes and let you boys work!"

-Both members of Kronic came out. Silly twist.

-Kronic worked on Steiner on the second cage.

-Russo came out with the Harris Boys. The Harris Boys effectively take Kronic out of the game by inciting them into fighting into the seats. See, the hatred Kronic feels for the Harris boys is SO STRONG THAT IT BLANKETS ANY AND ALL OTHER SENSE OF RATIONAL THOUGHT!!! THESE TWO TEAMS WILL NOT STOP UNTIL ONE OF THEM IS DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!!!

-Nash came out... TWO Heels members come out in succession. This is what happenes when Dusty isn't there to steer this thing.

-Nash stayed on the main ring and went all "Diesal". Knocking out whoever gets in his way.

-Nash grabbed Russo by the throat. There was some silliness as Jarrett and Steiner kept talking Nash out of slamming him... so Nash grabbed them instead... no one got chokeslammed.

-Booker came out. He cleaned up.

-Goldberg ran out... within moments, he was handcuffed (AH HA!!! I KNEW IT!!!!!!!) 

-Nash jumped out of the ring and calmly waited for someone to come down with the belt.

-After a LOOONG fight, Booker T grabbed the belt.

-We switched to "ant cam" as the faraway shot made everyone look like ants.

-On the second level, Booker lost his hold on the belt. Steiner dropped it down to the main ring.

-Booker was lifted up by Steiner to be handcuffed to the wall... Steiner GRUNTED as he hoisted the Brother up. Steiner is a PUSSY!!

-Sting was cuffed too, to be honest, I think Sting cuffed himself ("Okay, I've had enough for tonight... I'll get motivated when you bring back the exploding boat!")

-Russo picked up the belt and held it high... in that helmet, he looks like a Mongoloid.

-a Mongoloid with a HUGE mouth

-Miller ran in and kicked Russo in the head.

-Nash booted Miller and Jack knifed him

-Goldberg snapped his handcuffed and cleaned house.

-He picked up the belt and held it high.

-He started to walk out of the door.

-The door slammed on his head. It was Bret Hart. (I WAS RIGHT!!! BY GOD... I AM THE KING!!!) Stevie Wonder figured it out before the Announcers.

-Just so this is clear to you... this F-ed up logic... GB SLAMS HIS FOREHEAD AGAINST HIS DRESSING ROOM DOOR BEFORE EVERY MATCH... but a steel cage door... which is MOSTLY MESH... knocks him out.


-Anyway... Nash hugged Russo... we were all swerved... well, YOU were... I wasn't... shit, none of us were... come on... they pull this crap every week for no reason.

-Nash walked out with the belt. The show ends.

This might have been one of the best Nitro's I've seen. No lie. It was so good... small errors aside. Nice going.

The war is STILL over, by the way... but Nitro wins the night. Raw was aces, but Nitro was much better.

Don't expect it to last.

Boreass sucks... Madden is even worse... never thought I'd see the day when Tony Schiavone is the Announcers saving grace.

Okay then, because it's a display of arrogance, taken to an OBSENE level... and because he's a total asshole... I present the Joke of the Internet that SCREAMED to be goofed on... Ladies and Gentlemen, I turn things over to Douchebag Scaia as the Mop-Up proudly presents...


Indeed. It is I, the Prick. The Prick has successfully petitioned his Wrestleline employers to allow him to descend from his lucrative perch atop the backside of one Michael Samuda to wallow in the morose sewers of the Internet Masses. In due time, you sorrow-ladened primates will come to appreciate the luck you have within your reach by being allowed to converse with a God amongst men like myself. All in good time, once your puny minds evolve enough to grasp the unique opportunity that you have. I am the PRICK!!!! I AM TO BE WORSHIPPED!!!! 

Ah, and also... I am a VIKING! A Warrior borne from the fruits of my Parents labor of coitus. With a twitch, the Prick can vanquish you with a thin slice from by trusted sword. With a glare, the Prick can burn searing holes into your pectoral cavity and peel your heart apart layer by insignificant layer. A Warrior who can abscond with your wenches and make them his own. Alas, the Prick has yet to fully experience the glorious virtues of the female species, but the Prick has launched many copulating assaults on the rear hind quarters of his comrades. A lover of women, a leader of men. I am the Prick... I am the Viking! Indeed, bow down before me, just as the Prick bows down and offers oral gratis to my Wrestleline superiors, as well as Master Samuda, as well as Master Zimmerman, as well as any colleague whose reproductive organ the Prick delightfully engages in oral congress with. PAY DIVINE HONORS TO WRESTLINE! WE ARE TO BE REVERED BY YOU TROGLODYTES!

Now, you fortunate simpletons, the Prick will address your inquiries. Prepare to discover! Prepare for infinite knowledge!

1) "Hey prick! Exactly how many friends do you watch the ppv's with?"


The Prick says:

Ho, friend! The Prick can sense the seething, envious rage protruding from the pores of your cuticles. Yes, as the Prick has recounted on many occasions, hardly a Sabbath passes without the Prick engaging in rites of celebratory camaraderie with his fellow Warriors true. The exact numeration of companions that the Prick has granted placement within his den is thusly impossible to calculate. Indeed, the Prick calls thousands... nay, tens of thousands of lesser men friend. Let it be known as lore that the Prick's lair, come the twilight of the Sabbath, is legendary for the levels of revelry and vice that it houses! 

T'is a fantasy of mine to perhaps allow a maiden to venture deep within my abode one day. Alas t'is a dream that remains mired in fantasy... alas.

2) "Why do Scaia's 10 minute columns drag on to the point where it feels more like an hour?"


The Prick says:

Fool! Ignorant mortal with nary a sense of wit or intelligence! Blame not the Prick for your inability to properly decipher the strength of my vocabulary and the blinding logic of my estimations! As the Prick led the brigade one year ago to quell the incessant showcasing of Hunter Hearse Helmsely (surely thou remembers how the Prick rallied the masses against yon Helmsely? Dost thou?), the Prick now toils tirelessly thrice a calendar week to lead you all to the path of victory and intellectual wisdom! Even on the sparse Friday, the Prick peels himself away from his Internet Dungeons & Dragons challenge to allow microbes like yourself to wash yourself in my imminence! In short, the Prick advises you to broaden your comprehension skills to fully bask in the glory of the Prick's benefice.

3) "My little brother is in love with this girl, but she officially sees him as only a friend, thus making him one of her "girlfriends", and him being pantsed by local kids for being a pussy. What advice should I be giving him so that he takes her into his arms and has all sorts of underaged teenaged sex?"
Billy Kane

The Prick says:

Mayhaps, you or your sibling should seek council with one more... familiar with territory that you have asked the Prick to walk upon. Lo' as the Prick may have laid down with wenches a many, all of them have entered the Prick's arms only through his vivid imagination. To actually converse with a lass still remains a target that the Prick, adept as he is with the bow, has yet to hit. Even though the Prick has lent his formidable skills to partake in the ritual of performing music, it has not borne the fruit found between the legs of a untamed shrew. (The Prick encourages you mouth breathers to now enjoy the Prick's sly wit stemming from the ironic literary reference he just made. Please, feel free to bathe in the Prick's hilarity). 

4) "How can I become a true Internet Wrestling God, and not just some self-impressed pathetic loser wannabe?"


The Prick says:

Alas... t'is a fine line by which you ask to walk, friend. The Prick advises all neophytes to follow the surefire trail that the Prick himself has blazed. That being, ingratiate yourself with a fellow deity, such as Lord Samuda, thoroughly ride the coattails of respect that he has labored so hard on, and properly wash the penis of all the top writers on your site publically and privately. Then you, like the Prick has so gloriously accomplished, may spend your hours taking full credit for the popularity of your site. Alas... only the Prick can successfully take credit for the dynamic success that has come to Wrestleline... it is the Prick to whom you all come, seeking knowledge and wisdom. 

Err... perhaps now the Prick should publically flog himself for not properly giving thanks to the noble men of Wrestleline for their tireless efforts. I dare say what would the Internet be without the complex depth and the triumphant presense of the Prick's Online Onslaught? One shudders at the thought.

5) "Can you post a picture of your ugly face and body, naked, so I can print the picture out a hundred times and use it to wipe my ass the next time I get the runs."


The Prick says:

Yes, the Prick understands that the troika of online appearences he makes within a span of seven days is barely enough for the masses to survive, much less thrive on; but the Prick realizes that to increase his tutorials will achive nothing in so much as your infantile craniums cannot possibly articulate a full buffet of the Prick's incite. Thusly, the Prick must meter out his gospel in order for his vast flock to successfully absorb it.

Still, the Prick is cognizant that many of his lost souls demand more than he is willing to dispense... such as your suggestion of having images of the Prick in all his... shall we say "resplendence"... as a useful alternative to bathroom disposal tissues. Alas, my evolutionary challenged friend, rest assured that even the Prick's visage is far, far superior to your being. To even have a PICTURE of the Prick touch you is to invite searing, white hot agony to your flesh.

Lastly, although the Prick does generously engage in the consumption of foodstuff and mead... far more than lowly pedestrial children that make up my congregation could ever possibly imagine, let it be known that the Prick has the body of an ADONIS!!! Sculpted from the clay of GODS!! The ashes from the Pricks bones, whence he finally ascends from this mortal coil and unto the Heaven bretheren of his fallen equals, shall be swept from the burning raft of Vallhalla and dashed fully into the earth's atmosphere for the slovenly curs such as yourself to breath in... then, and only then, will you know... MAGNIFICENCE 

6) "How big is your penis and are you available for Gay porn?"

WWF Mark

The Prick says:

Truly friend, off the several thousands of epistles generated by the announcement of my arrival, yours is the ONLY missive that seems to duly know what the Prick means to humanity! Indeed, the Prick's sword... an iron forged by the thunder of Zeus, stained halfway with a brown circle of earth from the many massages the Prick has given it whilst watching his Mother undress from a window behind his bushes... the Prick's shaft stretches a full four inches when fully gorged on blood and seminal fluid. Surely enough to tame even the wildest of she-beasts.

As far as your suggestion that the Prick engages in pornographic encounters with fellow males... for financial compensation? The Prick must sadly report that he doth already pursued that particular field of gainful employment and was summarily rejected. Be assured, performance and appearence were NOT the culprits behind this failed attempt... no... the Prick was simply... TOO AWESOME for the homosexual pornographic industry... too awesome indeed.

And now, the Prick must venture back to his lofty Wrestleline home. The Prick, as always, orders you to partake of the other, lesser writers who feed off my genrous droppings. CRZ provides all you need to know in his meticulously transcribed recaps... like with my brilliance, many of you ape-like children may find CRZ agonizingly boring and humorless... but be assured, it is only because YOUR brains cannot possibly cope with the sheer effulgence of his words. My Lord and Master Samuda may bless us with his presense this week, he may not. What matter is it to you, Troll? Just being aware that Lord Samuda MAY arrive.

Fare thee well, friends! The Prick will once again return, and tell you ALL what to do!

Yeah, he's a prick all right.

So am I, but I don't try to fool anyone.

Viking... Viking my ass. I bet he has one of those Norse helmets too... cherry ass loser.

Go frick yourselves... all you wannabes who think you’re stars because you report on wrestling. You all think you have ALL the answers... you think you know EVERYTHING. Yet nobody has hired you to work in the business? I wonder why? 

Yeah, this is my "gimmick"... I got your gimmick swinging low.

You all suck... all of you. 

This is Hyatte

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