Mop-Up Nitro 9.11.00 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro

Did someone hack into "Slash wrestling" last night and started posting huge Rantsylvania banners all over the place?

"We Don't Suck"... thousands would beg to differ... well, hundreds... it's not a huge site. 

Oh well... it's none of MY business, so long as he keeps hyperlinking the Mop-Ups. 

Hey, how long before Ryder demands that UGO drops 411 because of that new writer they have? Does UGO even KNOW I exist? What if they start having their web sites promote each other? What if they try to get a big "UGO" family going? WOW!! 

I have weeks left on this site... I can feel it.

NITRO (or: Russo's going to be the father... I'm positive)

-WCW Logo: Should you see it rise from the Eastern sky... know that Evil will soon be born on this soil.

-"Earlier today", a limo pulled up into the arena. David Flair walked out all dressed up. He is met by Crowbar, wearing Tuxedo t-shirt (F-conformity, man. I make my OWN rules!) and jeans. He slaps hands with David and put all hostilities to rest. No, no... he's really HAPPY for David... truly!! FRIENDS FOR LIFE!!!

- David picked the guy up at a gas station 6 months ago, ladies and gentlemen

-Daffney also greets David and hugs him. Now THEY'RE all made up. (yeah, well... 6 seconds in and it's GOODBYE BELIEVABLITY!!!). Daffney introduces David to her new boyfriend, name of "Ozzy". David asks, "How're you doing? Take care of her, okay?" Ozzy looks at him and says, "Yeah well, she's gonna help me with my mind. People think I'm insane because I am from another time.". David stares at him... nods, then asks Daffney if his Father arrived yet. Daffney's says, "Yes, he's getting his rat poison injection right now." David goes to find him.

-Backstage, Jeff Jarrett sees this and whines about how it's all vaudeville now, (the man used to ride a HORSE to the ring, ladies and gentlemen)... then wondered if the band might play a set or two tonight. Then he cackled. Then he started to sob.

-opening theme... I'll say this... it is KICK ASS!!! I LOVE it.

-Tony Schiavone welcomes us to the "hard hitting action" of WCW, which is now in Charlotte, North Carolina. In the "Independance Arena"... (well, the company IS two steps away from being an Indy fed anyway. HAW!!! IT'S IRONY CITY BABY!!!!!)

-Like the pluggin' bastard he is... Tony kept a straight face as he hyped up a wedding as a way to keep people glued to their seats past 9 tonight.


-Tony called Boreass "JB"... which is a reverse "BJ" ... I gave Madden's MOTHER a "JB" the other night... I'll tell you how later.

-The Filthy Sanchezes came to the ring.. all looking like complete homosexuals. MEXICAN homosexuals... (don't need to lube up in order to dig into THAT arse)

-Konan had something to say. As if I'm paying attention...

-But then Disco Inferno cut him off and decided that because HE was attacked by Kronik on Thunder... and since HE is American... he's gonna get a little payback by having his two Mexicans fight them tonight. (God Bless NAFTA). Konan protested, of course... but DINF told Kronik to get their "big fat asses out there".

-Kronik stepped out. We see how they did attack DINF the other night. 

-Back live, Kronik went to work on Rey and Juvee. Rey has Devil horns glued to his head. Obviously, because he worships "el Diablo".

-Dinf and Dink joined the Announcers. High, inside comedy quickly ensued... SO inside, it wasn't even funny.

-Hey Ashish, you're right... Bananas DO turn yellow quicker when you rub them in that place you told me about. See, that was WAAAY inside, and WAAAY unfunny.

-Kronik gave Rey a Full Nelson slam. One of those close up shots so Rey can really really sell the move like a guy who went years not worrying about facial expressions because he wore a mask his whole life.

-Then the Harris Boys came out... because they REALLY, REALLY hate Kronik for no reason whatsoever. One of them wielded a camera.

-Of course, Brain Adams ran right after them... and was hit with the camera. Meanwhile, DINF ran out and gave Clark a chair shot, followed by his version of the Stone Cold Stunner. 

-This left Clark alone in the ring with Juvee and Rey, After a few kickouts and some deft double teaming (oye), Rey and Juvee won 

-although... are there REALLY winners in this match?

-A WHITE Limo pulls up... Stacy Keebler steps out in a wedding dress. David had a BLACK limo, Stacey had a WHITE one... who'da thunk her Elf parents approved of mixed marriages?

-shut up and think about it. Think loooong and hard. I'm being CEREBRAL!!!

-I'm also being lame


-Video package from last week's "WAR GAMES"... Russo figures heavily. 

-The Announcers get face time. Madden's wearing his shades. Boreass is wearing HIS shades. Tony is shadeless. As God as my witness, I've no idea who is the geek here.

-Tony announces that Vince Russo, in his continuing QUEST to prove that he is tough enough to take huge bumps... mussed up his head and needed Brain Surgery. Brain Surgery that they have FOOTAGE OF!!!! Tony re-assured both of Russo's fans that indeed, he WILL be back on the show by next week. (That DOES sound reasonable. It only took a few days after my mother had her brain tumor removed before she was able to come back home and get back to fellating me and my friends. The Doctor didn't even put back the piece of skull that he cut out, so I had a nice, soft spot on her shaved head to hang onto.)

-Boreass and Madden called each other "jackasses", then Madden threatened to beat him up. HEY MARK!!! I SQUEEZED MY FACE SO FAR UP YOUR MOTHER'S ASS THAT I COULD ALMOST TOUCH HER CLIT FROM BEHIND!!! THAT'S WHAT A "JB" IS!!! SHE WAS HOWLING!!! HOWLING!!!!!!!!!

-Tony, "Weddings and brain surgery.... on Monday NITRO... andwrestlingaction". 

-Booker vs Nash in only 6 days. F-them

-Ernest "The Cat" Miller came out. He had his little mouthy hooch with him. 

-Miller started off by telling Russo that whuile he was getting his brain looked at, Miller had that little adjun... ad... Miller was able to book matches on the program again because a Judge threw that court order OUT. (Just for fun, the Judge also charged Miller with starting the L.A. Riots, that trial starts next month.) So he's back in charge.

-He said that Nash and Booker will go in a cage next week. Tony and Borash acted like they've never heard of this concept before

-Miller said that Nash will fight Steiner tonight. 

-Miller had an opponent for Jeff Jarrett... which will be...

-Then his girl grabbed the mic and said SHE wants to fight Jarrett. She went all ebonics on us. Funny, I had her pegged for a white broad.

-Dude... f-it... she IS white.

-Of course, when she said "Me"... she paused, waiting for the EXPLOSION of cheers. The fans just yawned. Hey Dumbell, it takes more than just 3 WEEKS OF STANDING THERE LIKE A LUMMOX BEFORE YOU GET A POP!!!.

-This brought out Jarrett, who came in ton the ring and said that he'll fight her alright, and he'll even handcuff himself because Men rule and chicks are mostly good for being semen tanks. Miller's girl snapped her fingers and gyrated her body like any decent, upstanding homegirl.

-Jarrett also said that Nash and Steiner will... I don't know

-Miller attacked Jarrett... Steiner ran out. Miller got tuned on. Steiner put Miller in the "Steiner Recliner". Someone ask Scherer just how Steiner is going to be the next Steve Austin, again?


-a frantic Terry Taylor finds a just arriving Sting and Booker T and told them that Miller's getting punked out even as they speak. Neither man accessed the Speed Force in order to save a fellow Face,

-Big Vito came out and challenged Reno to a "Stickball Bat on a Pole Match" right there, right now. Just like they used to do it in Staten Island. (Until those damn JEWS took over New York and OUTLAWED Stickball Bat On Pole matches... dammit.)

-Reno came out with Chuck Palumbo. Tony announced that Booker T and Goldberg will be involved in tonight's main event in two seperate capacities. I'll deal with it when the time comes.

-Tony announced that "Above Average" Mike sanders was SUSPENDED for his "henious" action perpertrated on the last Thunder. Like the COSMICALLY CLUELESS MONKEYFART THAT HE IS... Tony included the tag, "As we all saw". Imbecile... NOBODY WATCHES THUNDER OTHER THAN DOPEY RECAPPERS!!!!

-Vito grabbed the Stickball bat... but Palumbo made noise and distracted him for Reno to attack. Then Johnny Da Bull showed up and threatened the NTB's... but he turned on Vito... Reno won. Vito woke up and attacked everyone. The NTB's ran out. Vito got tuned. Like all Italians, Vito has no heart.

-Backstage, Miller tells Sting and Booker that they have GOT TO TAKE THE SHOW BACK!!! THIS IS NITRO DAMMIT!!!! WHERE THE FACES ALWAYS REIGN SUPREME!!!!!!!! (N-word PLEASE!)

-Torrie Wilson was backstage, about to work a match with Madusa. I say, hit her in the titties until one of them gel packs explode!


-Booker, Sting and Miller INVADE THE HEEL LOCKER ROOM READY TO KICK ASS!!!! They didn't. Instead, Miller threatened to tear up all three of their contracts if they don't respect his authoritah. Nash got on his knees and BEGGED him to tear up the contract anyway. Miller was left speechless and just walked away. Steiner had to help Nash stand back up. Father Time is a bastard.

-Oh now, here's a meeting of the minds. Paula Pollshock and Madusa. Madusa promised to beat up that young thing, Torrie Wilson and RESTORE THE LUSTER OF FEMALE WRESTLING IN THE WCW!!!!!! Then she gave head to the camera guy.

-Torrie Wilson came out.

-Madoucha came out. She started yanking Torrie by the hair (RESTORE THAT LUSTER, BABY!!!!)

-Then Shane Douglas came out and tuned on the bitch. He really worked her over, (but she LIIIIKED it!)

-Kidman ran out and cleaned up. 

-Madusa came out and challenged the "little little punk ass little bitch" to make that Scaffold Match a Mixed Tag Team match. Douglas agreed. The word "Bitch" and "Honey" was thrown around quite a bit.

-Madusa had more to say, and we clearly heard her talking while we jumped to Crowbar and david Flair in the backstage, that's right... Madusa was cut off mid-sentence. (Hey stupid... good going throwing that WWF title out... smart thinking! HEY MADUSA!!! HER NAME IS LITA... AND SHE'S OVER!!! KNOW WHAT OVER MEANS??? NO, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GETTING LOVE GOO SQUIRTED ALL OVER YOUR FACE!!! IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU, DUMMY!!)

-Crowbar told David that he was looking SHARP. I guess they will skip that time honored pre-wedding ritual where the guy's best friend slaps the groom across the face and says, "WAKE UP STUPID!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?"

-Elsewhere, Jimmy Hart shows up at Handcock's area and gives her a note. Tony says, "All RIGHT, it's Jimmy HART!!" (5 words that should NEVER be used in one sentence). Hart gives her an envelope. Handcock puts it aside. 


-Another BLACK limousine pulls up. Borash KNOWS who this, (why? DO ALL BLACK LIMOS LOOK ALIKE, BORASH??? YOU HONKY MOFO!!)

-Also pulling up is a Bus, painted to look like the Partridge Family's bus. Out comes Mike Awesome... now called, "That 70's Guy"... (I swear, if Danny Bonaduce OR David cassidy should EVER be hired to work a gimmick with Awesome... I will STOP the recap right there and proceed DIRECTLY to the closer.)

-David Cassidy... 25 years and he STILL is trying to sell "I Think I Love You".

-I don't get it... WCW is losing millions, yet they can STILL throw a chunk of change at renting, and painting a Bus. Figure that out.


-Scott Steiner is yelling at Nash about their match. Nash suggested that they pull the same screwjob that he did with Hulk Hogan (SEE??? SEE??? HE'S COMING BACK!!!) a few years ago where Nash pokes at Steiner and Steiner jobs out. Steiner didn't get it. He's a college grad, boys and girls. 

-Oh, and Nash is honoring Scott Hall AND Scott Hall's drinking problem tonight. I don't think there is a single Internet insider who knows the FULL story about why they can't bring back Scott Hall. If they do, they aren't reporting it. (THE MEDIA IS CONTROLLING THE NEWS!!!!! LET'S ALL LYNCH DAVE SHERER IN PROTEST!!!)

-Jeff Jarrett came out. He got on the stick and fufilled his contractual obligation to have "quality" mic time each week.

-The Cat brought out his WHITE girl (That ain't no Sister, yo). Miller grabbed the mic and personally cuffed up Jarrett (Why did he need the mic?). He then started to wail on Jarrett some. Then the Girl got on the mic and said, "Lemme take care o' did white boy!" (Girlfreeeend). Then SHE started to wail away.

-Oh, alright... she's a "High Yella"... but that's all I'm giving her.

-Jarrett took his requisite "heel beating"... including the ritualistic groin kick. (How come the Girls can't take a little kick to the chooch? I mean, they usually get something jabbed in there anyway? It's not like the Vag ain't USED to being banged about?)

-Jarrett eventually had enough and hit her with his guitar. She was knocked out. Damn, that Jarrett's good... it usually takes me a few whacks with a fire log before she goes down.

-Mike Awesome ran out, looking like a total douchebag, (WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE GODDAM CAREER KILLER GIMMICK??? JESUS H... IT WAS WORKING JUST FINE!!!!!) and beat on Jarrett.

-Backstage, Nash is now DRAWING the job-out scenario to Steiner. Nash, being Nash, drew the stick figures to look like one was peeing in the other. Steiner still didn't get it. He stormed out in a huff.


-Nash and Jeff Jarrett decided that Steiner was dumber than the Horse that peed in the syringe that he injects in his body. Jarrett went off to try to talk to the monkeyspank.

-Hacksaw Jim Duggan is out. HOOOOOOOOOOO

-I thought Hacksaw was fired? HOOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw was still carrying the American Flag. HOOOOOOOOOOO

-Because those damn Commies are EVERYWHERE. HOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw got on the mic and thanked the fans for all those TOTALLY UNEARNED pops he's gotten over the years. HOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw reminded us that he once had cancer. HOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Personally, I think the cancer won... he died, but his brain hasn't registered it yet, HOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw said the one opponent nobody can beat was "Father Time" (Ah, ANOTHER worker who refuses to job out!) HOOOOOOOOOOOO

-What if Russo came out and called "Father Time" a "piece of shit" for demanding his contract perk about deciding the course of all his matches? That seems to work? HOOOOOOOOOO

-So, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, after 20 years in the business, is announcing his retirement from WCW and the World of Pro Wrestling. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Tony, "My God!! What do we do NOW?". HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-So, he is there to offically "pass the torch" and give a young up and comer the flag to wave. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-So, he asked General Rection to come out! HOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Rection came out. Boreass called this the "greatest honor ever to bestow a professional wrestler" (oh yeah, working the same one gimmick... defending America against those bastard... err... other Americans). Face it, the Gimmick BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWS

-Rection accepted the flag. He saluted Duggan, then hugged him. HOMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Lance Storm came out with Major Gunns.... obviously, to start trouble HOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Storm said, "You aren't passing nobody nothin." (Jesus... TRIPLE negative... if he is NOT passing NOBODY NOTHING.... doesn't that mean that indeed he IS passing SOMEBODY SOMETHING?)


-Oh that's right... I STILL have to stay on Nitro. God is a queer.

Click Here For Part 2!!!

-Storm tells Duggan that "nobody cares about you, and nobody cares about your Country!" (well, he's half right!)

-Duggan makes a scrunchy face. HOOOOOOOOOOO

-Storm challenged Rection to a match right there, right then. Duggan screamed, "USA". Dickhead.

-Storm hit the ring and the fight was on. Duggan sat with the Announcers and calmly said, "excuse me, but I'm a little emotional right now. GO GET HIM HUGH, GO GET HIM FOR OUR COUNTRY!!!!!" (y'know... I hear Iraq is BEAUTIFUL this time of year!)

-Tony congratulated Duggan on going 20 years without once bending his knees or learning a move.

-Rection went for the Moonsault... but first getting a big thumbs up from Duggan. Of course, Storm rolled away in time. That's the American way.

-Storm got on the Maple Leaf. Duggan ran over and showed the ref that Rection's hand was under the ropes. Storm broke the submission.

-Duggan, being the total idiot that he is, then did the old school move where he turns his back to the match and waves at the fans. Storm attacked him. Duggan has the nerve to act surprised!

-Rection won after Duggan popped Storm. This is a black eye for America. Right up there with the time we hustled those Native Americans into the desert and told them not to leave. 

-Backstage, Handcock remembered that there was a letter for her. She opened it, wrinkled her nose, and said "Oh My God." The plot thickens.


-The Announcers get Face Time. Madden points to all the other great "rasslin' marriages"... such as Randy and Liz, Mongo and Debra, Kevin and Nancy. (Let's not forget Jim Garvin and Precious, Andrew and Stephanie, Madden and a Cheesecake)

-Crowbar was in the ring. Looking like a doofus.

-A Brides' Maid came out.

-David came out and hugged Crowbar,

-Stacey came out with her parents. Well... actors playing her parents. (Well, those Peanut Butter Chips aren't going to bake THEMSELVES!!!) 

-Before they could get underway, David got on the mic and said that even though he was a jerk lately, this is a REAL moment... so let's put all the past aside and... oh, just get Arn out there so we can get this over with.

-Arn came out... to that Four Horsemen music that they didn't EVER use back when the Horsemen RULED!!!

-Arn got on the stick and had some advice to David... private advice... so he used a mic for all to hear, (well, RAW is on... nobody's watching)

-The first advice is to tell her to F-off whenever the boys tell him to come out.

-The second rule is to hide some of that Wedding gift money for when he needs it.

-The third is to... I don't know... I don't care. ARN USED TO BE A BADASS!!!

-David took the mic and said that he is missing his "Best Man"... so he asked his father, Ric Flair, to come out.

-Flair came out. Tony said that there was "no one seated here in the building." (I know... Nitro can't sell DICK anymore)

-Flair got on the mic and said that the irony here was that he's never hear that music again thanks to his son... but that's all in the past. He's proud. 

-The Priest began his shtick... when suddenly...

-a double line of cops walked to the ring. A Detective entered the ring and said that Vince Russo, earlier today, put out a restraining order on Ric Flair that meant that he couldn't be within 100 yards of the building tonight. And so, Flair was arrested, cuffs and all. Flair bitched, of course... but it went down.

-excuse me? But I thought Russo was a thousand miles away, having brain surgery? How could he pull this off?

-Excuse ME? But isn't a restraining order NOT ACTIVATED until the restrainee is properly SERVED????? ISN'T THAT BASIC LAW 101????

-I hate this show.

-commercials and F-YOU

-Outside, Flair was being loaded in a squad car. Arn insisted that he'll be right down. 

-We see ALL the head shots Russo has taken in order to not be there tonight... yet he still has the capacity to issue BULLSHIT restraining orders.

-Footage of the Brain Surgery, well, sort of. What we REALLY got was a Doctor explaining to us why Russo is tougher than ANYONE ON THE PLANET!!! WHY HE HASN'T GOTTEN THE WCW TITLE BELT IS BEYOND ME!!!

-Of course, there wasn't a single shot of the actual surgery. They lied to us again.

-Sting fought both Harris Boys until Kronik ran out and cleaned house. This is the very epitome of "time killing".

-Steiner told Jarrett that THIS is WCW... and NOBODY jobs out quietly.

-Backstage, David convinced Handcock that their love is REAL, DAMMIT. Real enough to survive another ridiculous Ric humiliation.


-Okay, we are trying the Wedding again. David and Arn and the Priest and Crowbar was there.

-Stephanie was brought out.

-The Priest started his thing. Jesus, ham it up, why don'cha?

-He asked if anyone had a problem with this fiasco. Thousands of hands shot up in the seats. They were ignored.

-Handcock's hand DID shoot up. She grabbed the mic and said that David was NOT the Father of her child. She took off.

-I promise you... I GUARANTEE YOU... at some point... during that WCW Live show... ALL the hosts... Ryder, Boreash, Shaya, Madden, Jablomee, jokingly insisted that THEY were NOT the Father of Handcock's kid. Then they will all laugh. THIS is how phenominally unfunny they are... I can tell EXACTLY what they are going to say without once hearing the show.


-Handcock dove into her Limo and had it drive away. David was chasing it.

-Meanwhile, Awesome tried to get Pollshock into the Bus. I canNOT believe that this is a first for her.

-Jarrett showed up and attacked Awesome. In that suit, he wasn't gonna get laid anyway.


-Steiner screamed at Gene Okerlund. He stumbled three times during his shtick... then he started to ramble on HUGE!!! It was amazing to hear.

-The Announcers eat time for...

-Ernest Miller to walk out and assume a spot at the Announce table. 

-Our Guest Referee, Booker T, came out... I'm sure THOUSANDS of RACIST PIGS saw Booker dressed in a striped shirt and said, "NOW THAT LOOKS RIGHT!!!" (tsk... rat jap BASTARDS!!!!)

-Booker got on the stick and sold those catchphrases. 

-Scott Steiner came out. I think Tony said that if you buy a ticket to Halloween Havok, one of the "Nitro beauties" will use her hand on you. 

-Nash came out. I'm sorry, but he STILL acts like he gives a damn about the fans.

-Goldberg came out. He touched a fan's hand nearbye. A young girl. That Yeast Infection cleared right up. OUR HERO IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

-Miller made a fat joke at Madden's expense. Madden sniffed that "he's never heard fat jokes before!".. (WELL, THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!!!!)

-All these fat asses... so disgusting. Look, I was fat. I had some pounds to lose. So I went to the store, bought apples, oranges, peaches, and frozen veggies. I loaded up on Tuna fish, chicken, and eggs. I stopped eating crap and lived off three normal meals a day. I KEPT MY BIG, FAT MOUTH SHUT!!!! GUESS WHAT, BLUBBERGUTS... I STARTED GETTING LAID RIGHT AFTERWARDS!!!! GIRLS ACTUALLY STOPPED BEING REPULSED BY ME!!!!! IT ACTUALLY WORKS!!! KEEP YOU F-ING FAT MOUTHS SHUT FOR A FEW MONTHS AND YOU TOO CAN LOSE WEIGHT!!!! YOU LAZY PIECES OF WHALE CRAP!!!!!

-am I crazy or has "Slymm" stopped bragging about his weight loss? Could it be? Could it all have come back, AND brought some friends?

-Madden's Mother is fat. I have to haul in a fork lift just get that belly that hangs over her crotch. It's a real chore.

-Nash gave Steiner the one digit push. Steiner didn't go down. Steiner gave Nash a one finger push. Nash didn't go down. Instead, Nash stepped over the ropes and tried to leave. Steiner pulled him back in. They are going all SORTS of self referential. 

-Of course, you see the metaphor, right? THIS IS WCW!!! WE WRESTLE!!!!!!

-Of course, the "fight" lasted for all of 45 seconds before both Nash and Steiner attacked Booker T. Then Goldberg ran in and got him some. Then Goldberg took a beating. (THIS IS WCW!!! WE SCREW YOU EVERY WEEK!!!!!!)

-GB and Booker fought back a little... mostly so GB can give the fans what they DEMAND TO SEE... that Spear and Jackhammer deal.

-Then Awesome's Bus pulled in down the ramp. Jarrett and the NBTs came out. Nash put Booker's head through the windshield and GB was handcuffed to the Bus's grill. Steiner nailed GB a few times with his lead pipe. (a CATHOLIC PIPE!!!! A-HOLE!!!)

-The show ends JUST as GB busted out of his handcuffs.

I'm sorry, but why can't every Nitro be as good as the one last week. THEY CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE "SPECIAL NITROS"... EVERY NITRO SHOULD BE SPECIAL!!!!!!

But... I'm not too keen on this week's RAW, anyway. They seem just to be killing time until Austin, Gunn, Raven, and maybe even Regal shows up. It's a HUGE influx of new and old talent on their way in. 

Plus, Ashish reported that maybe even Randy Savage might stop in for a spell. He'd best be ready to job... job a lot... and job WELL!!! 

Nobody wins. BOTH shows sucked. There are no winners here. Everyone loses. I hate life.

Okay, because the last few closers have been jammed, I thought I'd go the light-just bullshitting-course for this week and offer some notes on MTV's Annual "Video Music Awards". They're always a trip, because nobody takes them seriously, but these stars have GOT to attend because in order to make it these days... you have to kiss MTV's ass a little bit. Come on... you REALLY think these stars like going on TRL and trying to whore themselves to a pile of squealing teenge girls who just started having their periods? Yeah right...

Anyway... here are some NOTES ON THE VMA'S! 

-They sucked

Thank you

This is Hyatte.

Still there?

Okay then...

-Marlon and Shawn Waylons were horrible. Embarrassingly unfunny. The funniest things they did were their little skits. The Macy Gray one in particular. Their bit on Chris Rock in the opener (using DX's theme song, by the way)... had one of the FUNNIEST line I've heard this year, "OJ has a new web site..., you ain't dead yet?.com" MAN... I was rolling.

-Other than that, they were horrible.

-I think MTV hired WCW to run the show this year, judging from all the glitches. Nice of them to run the 'N Sync video before going through the People's choice nominees. I also liked the time Shawn Wayons spent a good 25 seconds motioning to someone as to which camera to speak to while the nation stared at him, dumbfounded. Awkwards moments ruled the VMAs. I would LOVE to see what happened backstage during this mess.

-We saw a real changing of the guards this year. Limp Bizcut, Eminem, Kid Rock, Britney, Christine, and those Boy Bands really now run the business. MTV paraded out Steve Tyler from Aerosmith, but he looked like a relic from the past. Stick Steve in a nursing home... it's OVER. Nice hat... you dated old fart.

-and although she DID call in the pre-show... err... show... wasn't it nice to see MTV go through ONE year without sucking up to Madonna?

-I am 30 years old. I can honestly say that I have not popped an instant erection since Kelly Bundy ruled Sunday nights. Then Britney Spears came on. I SWEAR... I popped... tore off my pants... stroked three times... and then GUSH... I haven't had such a fast orgasm in YEARS. Who out there will send me still shots of that performance? Let's go, people!!

-The Red Hot Chili Peppers blew it. They should have rocked out and brought the place down. Instead, they went the mellow route. I did like the bit of honesty when Flea remarked about the gray hairs in his mohawk.

-Jim Carey was funny when he came out... but then he petered out a bit.

-What the F**K was Chris Rock talking about?

-Macy Gray should have thanked Michael J Fox and "Spin City"... because they used her song so many times to hype his farewell episode. I didn't even know who this chick was before then.

-You know, when Bobby Brown came out to be with his wife, I really thought he was expecting an ovation or something. Someone want to clue him in that he hasn't had a hit in years and just because he bangs Whitney Houston does NOT make automatically make him a superstar. 

-It's official. Fred Durst is the Ax'l Rose of the new century. He's completely taken with himself now. The funny thing is, he's all fake. He has consultants and managers who MAKE him wear that backwards baseball cap and tee shirt all the time. It's all for image.

-I thought they represented the Napster situation well. Carson Daley bringing the kid out was pretty nifty... but that clip they did with Lars from Metallica really explained the situation well. In fact, I now support Metallica's crusade. They're absolutely right in wanting to stop this.

-I tape movies... 3 or 4 to a cassette. Say there was a way I could hook up my VCR to my computer and play my movies over the web for you to download? I don't charge anything... it's just there for you to click on and play. Dude, I'd be shut down and sued before the first movie's opening credits were finished... there is no difference here.

-and you know what... EVERYONE agrees with Metallica here... but they booed him because they let their RECORD COMPANIES do all the suing so they can PRETEND to be into Napster and be into the concept of free music for everyone. Trust me... they don't want ANY of their music available for free... they want to get PAID. They just CLAIM to support Napster so they won't seem corporate. 

-And before you remind me that Limp Bizcut put on a free tour for Napster... yeah, that tour was a LONG one, wasn't it? They figured three or four weeks of free concerts will help sell more tickets to their SERIOUS tour in the Fall, the one that you have to PAY for. It all just to make themselves seem "down".

-Oh yeah, and it's over for Janet Jackson too. Bye bye baby... let it go gracefully.

-I'm still waiting for the ULTIMATE MTV finale... where Slash comes out... starts playing "Paradise City", then Duff steps out...

-Then the whistle blows... 

-Then Ax'l runs out... the crowd will go NUTS!! APESHIT!!!!

So will you too... you know it too!!


F-You... Ax'l RULES

I do too

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