Mop-Up Nitro 10.02.00
Jason Hervey may own WCW.
I dare you not to shudder.
NITRO (or: Beetlejuice can't hold a thought, nevermind a Guitar)
-video stills from last week's LOADED show... which barely got any heat off the TNN jump
-Goldberg is seen pulling into the building with a heavy leather jacket and a helmet. The Undertaker uses NO helmet. Thus, the WCW condones SAFETY while the WWF doesn't care if you splatter yer brains all over I 95. Thus, you must watch Nitro. (but, what if you look like a moron in that silly helmet? I say YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!!! F-HELMETS!!!!)
-With the arrival of The Golden Berg, Tony screams that they can now officially begin the broadcast.
-They are in San Francisco (watch my fist go), California at the Cow Palace... where it's neither palatial OR features any bovines. That's false advertising, kids.
-Plenty of fat chicks, though... which makes sense. If you're a chick in Frisco, and all the single men are either stoners or homersexshules... you might as well go piggin'
-The Filthy Animales come out. Konan, Rey, and the baggy chick. Rey has a ladder with him... I guess they will waste no time in delivering the promised LADDER MATCH THAT WILL RE-DEFINE THE WAY WE SEE LADDER MATCHES FOR ALL TIME!!! THIS IS WCW, PROUDLY FOLLOWING THE TRAIL ALREADY BLAZED BY THE WWF!!!!
-Rey is wearing yellow bib overalls, his horns, and a visor cap put on backwards... ATTENTION READERS... YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ANYONE YOU SEE WEARING THIS WARDROBE!!!
-A backwards visor... in case that sneaky bastard Sun tries to throw a few rays on your neck.
-What kind of homo wears horns on his head?
-Konan got on the stick and insinuated that Disqo has been screwing that plastic duck that he's been carrying around. Why is he still employed? Why is he still in this Country?
-Konan wanted to speak on "this". I didn't allow it.
-They hung the Duck on a rope and it was lifted up. Suddenly, WCW is on a quest to become the home of "Something Connected to the Storyline On a Rope" Match. God Bless 'em
-Disqo came out with Alex Wright... now with a shaven head. Now they are called "Boogie Knights" Wright must be so happy to be rid of that silly, silly, "Berlyn" gimmick...
-Day 1 of the Mandalay Take Over:
-Bischoff: "Hello, Berlyn! Let's go about growing that hairdo back in, shall we?"
-Berlyn: "Mein Gott en Himmel, no!"
-Oh if this deal is legit... it's going to be SO much fun!
-Wright kicks it off with a Missile Dropkick into Konan.
-Then he rams the Ladder right into Konan. Tony ignored the WCW Website announcement and called this an IMPROMPTU Ladder match. (MAN... see... it's reasons like this why the WWF website gets millions of visits and WCW.com barely eeks by the Oracles site)
-We are LESS than 4 weeks away from Halloween Havok. It's a given that we are fully prepared to say we aren't ordering it.
-Wright does his German dance. Berlyn never pulled this crap!!!
-Disqo had the ladder dropped on him. Then they hit the ladder with a chair. Then they sandwiched Wright on top of Disqo but between the ladder's sides... then Rey came off the top ropes with a chair... thus, the Arabian Facebuster.
-Rey climbed the top of the ladder and gave both men a double legdrop on their nuts. Madden showed his flair for skilled improv by screaming, 'THEIR VOICES WERE JUST RAISED A FEW OCTAVES!!" Hey, Maaaarrrrk... wanna know how I raised your MOMMA'S voice a few octaves??? Oh, I think I can squeeze one of two little sex tales!!! Oh, I know... YOU just care about what SCHERER says... and obviously, this tickles Scherer to no end... oh right... Scherer is the ONLY voice of the Internet... oh right.
-Konan tried for the X-Factor... Disq kicks out of it and hits the Stone Cold Stunner (a rose by any other name, people!)
-Rey gave Disqo a Sunslet Flip/Powerbomb from the ladder which was impressive.
-Madden announces that Disqo's feet are webbed because his career has been treading water for so long. Who's fault would that be? I wonder?
-Konan climbed the Ladder and got the Duck. This Ladder match redefined jack shit.
-Afterwards, the Filthy Spics were assaulted by a chair and a Duck. Tony claimed that the audience were booing Diqhead and Wright in unison. Then Madden started to loudly "BOO" in case we turned up the volume to verify that the only thing the fans were booing was that long haired hippe in the crowd who was running around screaming, "Hyatte sucks, I'M the coolest recapper on the Internet!!!!"
-Outside, David Flair arrived and pulled a guy out of his car. The guy was handcuffed and hooded. Judging by the small size of him, I have this funny feeling that whoever THAT guy was, he wasn't the same guy who was eventually taken to the ring.
-Tony, like an idiot, "WHO IS THAT GUY??? COULD THAT BE THE BABY'S FATHER????"
-The Announcers get face time. Madden sat there and tried his darndest to look cool. He succeeded in looking fat and old.
-We go LIVE to...
-Vince Russo, who read a prepared statement... with that little fag, Jeremy Boreass standing behind him. Russo says that he proved last week that he can be WCW champ any time he damn well wants (yes but... so can David Arquette... kind of takes the shine off the title, dude).
-But, Russo is not an athelete... nor did he ever claim to be... and he even agrees with those people who say that Vince Russo has no business being in the ring... (which is pretty much EVERYONE... except for the WWF, who saw how the ratings drop whenever Russo enters the ring. In fact, they issued a press release that said, "Please continue Vince, make our job go from easy to embarrassingly simple".)
-Boreass tried to massage Russo's neck (don't you DARE be surprised). Russo shrugged him off.
-Russo said that he will relinquished the title tonight... with the belt going to the winner of a match between Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner.
-What was the point of having Russo stare slightly off camera?
-Concerning Bill Goldberg, Russo called his actions last week that of "cowardice".
-Russo lashed out at the Big Guy for taking advantage of a "innocent, fallen, helpless victim" (Hudson, "but he hit YOU!!!" Hudson had one AWESOME line later in the show, which I will get to later in the recap.)
-Russo SHOULD have charged GB with assault, but he won't. He WOULD have kicked GB's "sorry ass for himself", but he won't... because he is "better than Goldberg" (now that's a Jew thing if there ever was one)
-Goldberg came out... Tony got all excited... of all the places in the house for GB to show up... he shows up at the one place where we KNOW Russo is not at!! HE'S YELLA!!!
-GB hits the ring and barks something at Madden... safe bet it included the word "fat".
-GB gets on the stick and says, "RUSSO!!! I'm HERE... I'm QUEER... let's get it on!" (BIG pop from the Frisco (Fistgo) crowd... talk about cheap HEAT!!
-GB says that if Russo says he is a bigger man, and that he is beneath Goldberg (FREUDIAN SLIP!!!! FREUDIAN SLIP!!!!)... WELL, Russo IS beneath Goldberg... because every morning when he reads the paper, he sees Russo beneath him in the toilet!! (if they start calling Russo a "nugget", I am THROUGH with this show!)
-Russo says, "Let me tell you something, Goldberg..." (well, I guess the "reality" wrestling show will start NEXT week) then talked about how Russo has GB's "fewtcha" in his hands... and he has big plans... and he'll announce those plans right now!!
-Russo said that he was coming out. GB said bring it on. The Announcers filled up time with manic disbelieve and awkward stuttering
-it took a bit... but since RAW is a looong way from coming on... they had nothing to fear.
-Boreass drove Russo out in a "Pope Mobile"... a pickup truck with a plexiglass cage around the bed.
-So... the Hero, who is a Jew... is confronted by a Heel in a car that is the same as what the Roman Catholic Leader uses... I feel so... so... offended.
-The car is stopped. Russo gets on the stick and infuriates the crowd by saying, "THE CATHOLIC CHURCH DOES NOT SUPPORT SAME SEX MARRIAGES!!!!" (now THAT'S cheap heat!)
-GB takes a second to squash WCW Security, who stepped out for no reason other than to get squashed.
-Tony assures us that this is BULLET proof glass. Wre we supposed to think that Goldberg would start poppng caps in a building (notquite) filled with people? Gay or not?
-Russo got on his mic and told GB that he might want to hear what Russo had to say before he starts attacking Security that was already attacked and dropped (*sigh... so stupid).
-Russo said GB's fate was in his hands. GB said that his LIFE was in HIS hands. 2000 years ago, it was Christ the Savior... now, it's Russo the WCW Savior. THE SYMBOLISM COULDN'T BE MORE APPARENT IF IT CRAWLED UP YOUR POOP CHUTE AND STARTED TO WIGGLE!!!!!
-Russo wanted revenge for GB harming him. GB said that he can handle anything Russo throws at him.
-SOooo, Russo threw this at him... remember Goldberg's 176-0 winning streak? Well, starting tonight, he's going to start the streak again! GB will have 176 matches... and if he loses ONE... he is OUT of WCW forever. BUT... he'll have to WIN 176 matches in order to even be considered for a WCW title match. 'Cause GB ain't a main eventer to Russo anymore!
-GB wanted time to think about it... then kicked in the driver's side door (Boreass was safely out of reach... of all the time for Goldberg to start caring about who gets in his way... he had to pick NOW??? Doofus can't get ANYTHING right!)
-GB reached into the cab and got the keys. He dangled them at Russo. Vince screamed for Security. This kept going until they made damn sure we knew they were waiting for something...
-Then Meng CAME OUT OF NOWHERE (or... from those deserted upper level seats that we never get to see) and attacked Goldberg. Wasn't he fired? He snagged GB in the TONGON DEATH GRIP (!!!!!!!!!!!!) as Russo goaded him on. Russo wins again. We win too, as we are sent to some more...
-moments ago... the TONGON DEATH GRIP (which has nothing to do with the tounge and had never really killed anyone. It IS a grip, though... so 2 out of 3 ain't bad.)
-Backstage, Russo tells Meng to go eat Goldberg for lunch (since when does Meng eat KOSHER???) then tells "Above Average" Mike Sanders that HE will be in charge tonight because Russo has very important business to do while they are in Frisco (easy gay joke... too easy, in fact). He sends Sanders off, then tells Boreass to keep a close eye on him. (the scary part is... I KNOW Ryder is next up for an on-air role. I can feel it.)
-so, let's sum this up. GB has to plow through 176 people... which is just a way to recapture SOME sort of old glory.
-Plus... anyone else notice a correlation between GB going through everyone and STEVE AUSTIN doing essentially the same on RAW?
-It never ends, does it?
-commercials. WCW Magazine! We don't have "Vic Venom", but please welcome our NEW editor... "Anthony Asp"!!
-Chuck Zito joins the Announce team to promote "OZ"... whose season ended a month ago and the new season doesn't start up for another 2 months. But, I love the show, so by having one of the stars on there, I will automatically become a WCW Mark! It's all for me, me, ME!!!!!
-and you know what? It worked!!!!! WCW RULES!!!!
-Madden references the big riot during Oz's first season. You know... I'm starting to see Mark in a whole new light! He... has... something. A flair. A spark. A brand new life to add into the mix. He brings FIRE to WCW. BURN ON MARKY MARK!!! BURN BRIGHTLY!!!
-Unfortunately, Zito blows on the stick.
-A-Wall (who, ironically, has bricks in his head) comes out with a table. This is going to be for the Hardcore title.
-Reno came out.
-A-Wall won. Like I'm going to cover THIS? WCW Rules and all but... come ONNNN
-My MAN, Mike Sanders comes out with the rest of the Natural Born Thrillers and says that since HE is in charge and since HE says what's what... well, no one who gets pushed by Sullivan can become a title holder... so Reno keeps the belt. Outrage was properly registered by the Announcers. Chuck Zito asked when Austin was coming out.
-Backstage, Pam Pollshock has just become the spokesman for the Cat and has announced that the Cat just decided that Booker T was screwed last week and that Booker T and Sting will be fighting for the title tonight. If Miller has the night off. why didn't they just pre-tape his announcement or something?
-Backstage, David berates and frightens his hostage. David goes about 150... who are they trying to kid?
-Shane Douglas comes out with Torrie and Tony brags that Nitro and Thunder will be in Australia for the next two weeks. That means, for the next two weeks, the shows will go down the crapper by flowing COUNTER CLOCKWISE and not the usual CLOCKWISE!! (HAW HAW HAW HAW!!! I KILL ME!!)
-Just so you know... I checked four times to make sure that American drains flow clockwise. THAT'S how much I care about you guys. Oh, I also took a 3 hour nap... so this column should be posted soemtime before sunset on Wednesday.
-FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED!!!
-Make random phone calls until you hit an answering machine... after the beep, repeat the following, "Hi, this is Bill from (insert local Pest Control Company here). Just calling to let you know that we'll be there at 7 am tomorrow to start digging. Thank you." then hang up.
-Douglas was on the mic. He told the Frisco crowd to start applauding (show's almost halfway over, dude... if they ain't applauding by NOW...) because their ticket just paid for itself. By this he means Torrie was gracing them with her (gettingmoreraggybytheday) presense
-Douglas said they STILL the "first couple" of WCW today. (Hudson, with as much droll as he could, "to do what?" I'm really starting to LOVE Scott Hudson... and Tony ain't that bad either... as for Madden, though...)
-HEY MARK!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!! GUESS WHAT I GAVE YOUR MOMMA LAST NIGHT??? I GAVE HER THE ANGRY DRAGON!!!! THE ANGRY F-ING DRAGON, YOU FAT BAG OF CRISCO!!!
-WHAT IS THE ANGRY DRAGON??? DO YOU REEEEEALLY WANT TO KNOW???
-Well then... she was blowing me, right. Yes, she had her teeth out.
-Then, when I knew I was about to unload... oh, it took a while, but she got it out of me..
-Mark, oh Mark... a GRABBED HER HAIR, YANKED IT BACK... jammed my wang right to the back of her throat... oh yes, by God, I sure did!!
-She started to gag!! She started to GAG!!!!
-WHICH FORCED THE GOO RIGHT OUT OF HER NOSTRILS!!! THE BITCH WAS SHOOTING MY FIRESAUCE OUTTA HER NOSE MARK!!!! OUT OF HER NOSE!!! THAT'S THE ANGRY DRAGON!!! BOOOYAAAAA
-Guess what... she SNORTED IT BACK IN!!! SHE LOVED IT!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAAAA
-Do you guys realize that 411 used to not even allow Chris Williams to use the word "shit"?
-I love these guys
-Douglas ragged on Konan, "Oh la le!! Arriba la RASA... you JACKASS!!" (that might have been the funniest thing he's said... ever!! Oh, wait... it was the SECOND... the first is still when he said "WCW will re-take the ratings and bring them back here where they belong"... that cracked me up for DAYS.
-Douglas and Torrie vs Konan and Tygress? Jesus, not even close.
-Shane said that Torrie can't WAIT to show off what she's got! (umm... she does it all the time though... we've seen it... SHE WAS IN A BIKINI LAST WEEK, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!)
-for tonight... Douglas wanted Mike Awesome... and he'll get him... right after Torrie says a few words. Which I will zip through because who gives a rat's ass about what she has to SAY?
-Awesome came out... looking dopier and dopier each week. (it's almost a Greek Tragedy)
-Douglas gets trounced.
-We see Lex Luger in the seats and watching the show. Think he's learned his lesson?
-Awesome sets up a table in the corner. He's about to Powrerbomb Douglas into it when...
-Torrie climbs to the apron and opens her sweat shirt. Awesome gets and eyefull. Douglas uses it to hit his move and Awesome loses. Of course, every time Awesome steps out from the back in that silly suit, he loses.
-How come he's not macking on the fat chicks anymore?
-Tygress and Konan run out. I swear, the fans out and out REFUSED to cheer.
-Backstage, Jarrett and Steiner order Mike Sanders to take care of this change of plans that Pollshock announced. They were getting upset when...
-Nash walks in and reminds them that Sanders is under HIS tutelage. JJ tells Kev that this "Coach" gimmick is silly. (Nonsense... it's pretty cool.). Nash says something about a scholarship program.
-Elsewhere, Goldberg is WRAPPING!! "I don't eat ham, I don't eat meat, and when I make love, I do it through a sheet! Boom ba ba Boom ba ba"
-Backstage, Nash pumps up Sanders to go into Miller's office and BE A MAN!! Sanders walks into Miller's office. Boreass tried to go in, but the door was locked. Because if it was opened, we'd see that Miller was NOT THERE!!!!!!!!!
-The Announcers begin the hype for Goldberg's quest for 177... even if they REALLY fudge on the house show results... we'll STILL have to listen to this promotion for a good... 3 months?
-Even though Meng's arrival was COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED AND A TOTAL SHOCKER TO WCW... they had a video highlight package of him all ready for viewing. What FORESIGHT!!!
-alas, there was NO shots of Meng's whacked out Afro phase.
-Meng tells Paula Pollshock that he was fired... but this is his last chance to have a career and feed his 12 children.. so, if Mr. Nice Jewish person would be so kind as to lay down for him so maybe he can buy his family some food for this week, he'd be much obliged. IF GOLDBERG HAS ANY SHRED OF DECENCY... HE'LL LET MENG WIN SO HE CAN KEEP HIS JOB!!!! THIS IS NOT WRESTLING!!! THIS IS HIS LIFE!!!
-Sanders talks to the NBT's... he announces that Goldberg will be "S.O.L" (that's "shit outta luck", as told to me by dozens of readers who obviously have a deeper grasp of the current lingo than I do... is it still cool to say, "esqueeze me?")
-But... I DO have one really good one for you... whenever someone says "Hi"... shoot back, "I wish I was!" I PROMISE, you'll get a smile.
-Goldberg came out. Meng was in the ring already.
-They fought for about 15 seconds. Then Goldberg won. Then he jumped out of the ring and yanked a hot dog out of Meng's son's mouth. BASTARD!!!!
-Kronik ran in and attacked Goldberg. Tony and the boys screamed, "SELL OUT, SELL OUT, SELL OUT!!"... I didn't even know we were supposed to root for these two?
-backstage...Sanders lays down the new format for tonight. It'll be Steiner and Sting against Booker and Jarrett. The winner gets to face the other winner one on one... or something.
-whoa... oh my...
-I'm sorry... I just heard a pack of Coyotes howling relatively close to my house... it's kind of creepy... especially since I have a Chihuahua whom I love dearly.
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-The second hour arrives with David Flair torturing and tormenting his hostage. (Dude... listen to Brother T... don't hate the PLAYA... hate the bitch who opened her LEGS FOR HIM!!!!)
-Jeffrey Jarrett comes into the ring.
-Book Her, T! comes out.
-BIG sign that reads, "QUICK, TURN IT TO RAW!" (it's never a good sign when even the house show fans turn on you)
-Steiner comes out with his Bim. He got on the mic and talked himself up. Kind of tough to take him seriously with that head dress he's wearing was all crooked and hanging over one eye... then again, taking Steiner seriously was NEVER a cakewalk.
-Sting came out. If he gets re-invented and re-pushed, all you "little Stingers" can thank ME!!!
-Sting locks up with Jarrett to start it off
-They both tagged their team mates. So now it's Booker vs Steiner.
-big sign that says, "BEST BUY SUCKS" (really? I've always been quite satisfied with their competitive prices and friendly, knowledgable service.)
-You know what REALLY sucks? COMP USA!! You could stand there for HOURS with no service and some snotty bitch and/or punk will RUDELY demand to see your receipt and verify that your goods match the stub. I am not a violent man, but I came THIS CLOSE (I am currently placing my thumb and index finger VERY close to each other, well, I WAS... then I resumed typing this sentence) to knocking some people OUT!
-Steiner gets Booker in the corner and start chopping at his chest.
-Booker with a Harlem Sidekick into Steiner's face. Madden announces that Steiner's mask can "only protect so much, guys", then gravely repeated his statement, no doubt proud of how profound it was.
-Steiner rolls outside and screams to someone, "NO WAY, HYATTE RULES!!!" (I wonder who he was talking to?)
-Sting was tagged and reluctantly locked up with Booker
-Jesus H... does Madden ever shut up?
-Steiner hocked a big, fat loogie into Booker's face. How can they get AWAY with this racist behavior?
-Booker & Sting went at it. Steiner helped Booker go over the top rope. Sting whacked him for it. Sting and Booker went at it outside. Jarrett and Steiner went at it inside.
-Steiner + that Mask = Darth Gayder.
-Steiner tosses around Booker
-Booker fights back.
-Booker with the spinebuster
-Jarrett is tagged in and goes to work on Steiner
-Steiner gives Jarrett a Belly to Belly. Madden calls him the "Suplex King"
-Booker gets off the "Spinerooni" (Man, it would SUCK if the husband of whoever invented that name won my God contest) and goes for the Sidekick... which hits both Steiner and the Ref.
-Jarrett hits Sting with his Guitar, then pins him. Meanwhile, Steiner sort of rolled on top of Booker, but it looked like Booker's shoulder was up. Who knows... and more importantly, who cares?
-Nash and the NTB's were heading towards the ring. Let's hope they get lost for a few minutes and NOT come out before we wade through some more...
-commercials. This is the THIRD WCW PPV IN A ROW where someone says, "You cannot imagine what will happen unless you see it!" (umm... guys? This trick works ONCE!!)
-moments ago, Jarrett DEFINITELY won, and Steiner MIGHT have won. It'll still be JJ vs Booker later on, though.
-Elix Flipper (whatEVER) comes out and enters the ring. (Du-uh)
-He announces that the Cow Palace is HIS house and HE built it (say WHAT?)
-He says he is MAD and... and...
-I am going to throw this out... just think about it... picture it in your mind...
-Tell me I'm wrong
-He's mad because he's got Mike Sanders in a few seconds... and he wasn't too happy that Nash saw Beetlejuice last week and thought he was Felix (like it matters, dickhead)
-So, he called out BOTH Nash and Sanders... because he IS Todd Bridges and he IS still on the Coke.
-Nash and Sanders (my two faves) came out and shared a smirky giggle.
-Nash took a mic and said, "First off..." (oy, dude... find a new opener)
-Nash said that he just spent 45 minutes in the back apologizing to the Beetlepiss for calling him SKIPPER.
-Sanders stepped in and said that not only will they have a match, but Team Canada can NOT interfere... and the winner HAS to Powerbomb the loser before pinning him... and this is a handicap match!
-With that, Nash bonked Elix with the microphone... which cracked me up for a good 30 seconds. "*Bonk* BWAHAHAHAHAAAA"
-Of course... Nash and Sanders won. BUT, there was an amusing aside where Nash got into the ring and lectured about how these young guys keep trying to take a spot from an "aged veteran" like himself and how they are always climbing the top rope these days. Just as he was about to demand that they re-instate Ole Anderson's "No Top Rope Jumping" rule... Flipper nailed him with a Missile Dropkick.
-There is nothing better in wrestling than when Nash is in a playful mood.
-My question is... were we supposed to ROOT for the Canadian?
-Backstage, Terry Taylor AMBUSHED Goldberg as he was leaving and said, "Not so fast, Hop-a-long... you got another match tonight!!" Goldbertg, going against EVERYTHING SCHERER EVER WROTE ABOUT HIS BACKSTAGE CHARACTER!!!! Agreed to it without argument.
-Backstage Team Canada and the NBTs got into it. It should be noted that Fit Finley was part of the Security Force that held them back. It also should be noted that Jim Duggan was making the biggest racket. It also should be noted that whenever we see Duggan, I am prompted to say, HOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-GB squashed the Harris Boys. 3 down. I can only recap his matches with the same effort that he performs in. The friggin' thing was over in seconds.
-The NTB's try to get into Nash's office... I think
-David dragged his hostage towards the ring.
-The Announcers kill some valuable time, then are presented a memo that the title match tonight will be a "49ers" match... with stipulations that you REAAAAALLY have to think about in order to understand how it relates to a "49er"... it involves more stuff on more ropes.
-Halloween Havok spot.
-David Flair drags out his hostage and hoilds him in the ring. He has a mic and yells at him about ruining his life. Tony screams, "HE CAN'T DEFEND HIMSELF, HE'S HANDCUFFED!!" Yes, but... not from behind. He can easily, wrap the chain around David's naeck and squeeze.
-David wants to humilate the bastard by yanking off the mask and exposing him. (oh PLEASE... any self-righteous male would highfive the dude and buy him a beer! Knocking up O.P.P... BROTHAAAA!!!!)
-The hostage begged David to uncuff him. Since this angle went way past ridiculous 3 weeks ago, it is now perfectly logical.
-David uncuffed him, of course.
-Then David turned his back to him so he could talk to the crowd, of COURSE!!!
-Buff Bagwell took off the hood and proceeded to beat the crap out of David. He gave him a blockbuster and walked off.
-Well, he DID try to make with Kimberly Page... so it's true to form.
-come onnn... did you REALLY think they'd make RIC the Father?
-yeah, I sorta did too...
-Buff walked away. Let's not even ask ourselves how David managed to abduct him in the first place.
-Buff was going home
-Madden said that if HE was the stud... he's have t-shirts printed. Tony paused a beat. Hudson said, "that's the diffeerence between you and Buff." Tony added, "yeah, that's the difference between you and a lot of people!" (Because, a LOT of people have gotten LAID by the time they hit their 40's!!!)
-Speaking of getting laid... HEY MARK!!!! I GAVE YOURE MOMMA THE NAVAL JIZZ ROCKET!!!!! I SCREWED HER UNTIL HER TOES CURLED AND HER EYES ROLLED!!! (poor girl, it only took about 30 seconds... she was SO horny) THEN, AT THE MOMENT OF RELEASE, I SQUIRTED RIGHT INTO HER BIG, FAT BELLY BUTTON!!!!! IT WAS DEEP... SO DEEP!!! SHE KEPT LOOSE CHANGE IN THE THING!!! THEN MARK... THEN I GRABBED BOTH LOVE HANDLES AND SQUEEZED THOSE BAD BOYS!!!! THE GOO SQUIRTED RIGHT INTO HER EYE!!!! INTO HER EYE MADDEN!!! THE GOOD EYE!! NOT THE GLASS ONE THAT SHE GOT AFTER I SCOOPED OUT THE BALL TWO WEEKS AGO!!!! THE GIRL MOOED LIKE A COW MARK.... SHE MOOOOOOOOOOED!!!!!!
-It is now time for the main event. Four boxes hung over the ring. ONE box holds the title belt. The other three hold weapons. I will go to Nitro with a shirt that says "MADDEN IS MY MASTER" AND hold up a sign that says, "I AM HYATTE AND SEAN SHANNON IS MY GOD" if they get through this match withOUT opening the first three boxes before getting to the one with the belt. THAT is how sure I am of how this is booked.
-They keep promoting the fact that Nitro will be in Australia for the next half month. Why is this fact important to us Americans and Canadians?
-Jeff Jarrett comes out
-We see how he smashed Beetlejuice with a guitar shot last week. Tony says that Stern called it one of the funniest things he ever saw on his radio show. (Yes, but he said it after Austin was on and before Chyna was on)
-By the way, I hear that LOSER Mancow's big TV show that was going to finally make him a HUGE celebrity was cancelled... in CHICAGO, no less! HA!!!!
-Booker T came out. Madden confused Robin Quivers with Robin Givens and basically said that all black chicks look alike anyway. I swear to God, that's what he said.
-Booker was wearing a brandy new T-shirt complete with his Rock-friendly catch phrase on the back. It never ends.
-After a lengthy pause... which included Booker giving his t-shirt and a warm hug to a lady at ringside (because he's the PEOPLE'S champ!!!)...
-The match got going.
-Jarrett threatened to smack the old bat who gave him hell.
-early into it, Booker crashed into the corner and the box was knocked off it's suspension and dropped. Typical.
-Big sign: 8:40 TWICE AS HIGH! (see, I liked that one)
-Jarrett brought the fallen box in and opened it. It was a blow up doll. He threw it away in disgust. Madden called dibs.
-Hudson instantly became the COOLEST ANNOUNCER WCW HAD EVER PRODUCED when he said, "I didn't even know Kimberly had an Action Figure!" Oh.. oh... OH!!! SCOTT HUDSON WILL SAVE WCW!!!!! SCOTT HUDSON RULES!!!!
-Even Tony was flabbergasted.
-AND even Madden kept his FAT MOUTH SHUT AND LET HUDSON OWN THE MOMENT!!!
-great job... give him a raise.
-As I was busy marking out over Scott Hudson ballsy comment...
-Booker opened the second box... it was a picture of Scott Hall. Booker wore a phony look of "oh, can you believe this lame punchline?", then smashed it over Jarrett's head.
-Madden embarrassed himself by making a silly Robert Downey Junior comparison to Hall as...
-Booker went for the third box... Jarrett stopped him.
-Jarrett took it outside and drapped BT over the Guard rail, right next to a sign that had a South park character on it with the words, "Mark Madden Fan Club", why are you faggots ENCOURAGING HIM????
-JJ smashed a box over BT's head
-Here's a fun sequence... JJ had BT up on the Announce table and started jabbering at Tony. Tony yelled "Don't do this!! Go get the BOX!!"... Jarrett yelled some more, Tony said, "I DIDN'T SAY THAT I SAID GET THE B... OH FORGET IT!!"
-Meanwhile, some dickhead noticed that he was holding his sign upside down. He corrected it. Thus, we were all informed that Mario was in the house. I wish AIDS and Herpes on Mario.
-Booker switched things and piledrove Jarrett on the table. The table didn't break. It's a good week for tables on both shows.
-Jarrett took a swig out of a water bottle to recover.
-Meanwhile, Booker opened the third box. It was a "Coal Miner's Glove"... thankfully, I DON'T have to go to Nitro wearing ANY sort of shirt and holding ANY sort of sign that would truly burn away what's left of my dignity (and trust me... my cup ain't running over in this department)
-Booker put on the glove. But fell victim to a nasty Jarrett assault... and Jarrett procured the thing away.
-They went at it for a while, long enough for me to prepare a good, long bitchfest about why would they include a Coal Miner's glove when they had no intention of USING THE...
-Jarrett used the Glove.
-They fought quite a bit more... Jarrett snagged Booker in a Sleeperhold. Tony called it a "smart move"....
-Booker fights back... he spineroonis up. TONY yelled, "SPINEROONI"... Madden told him to shut up.
-This was a LOOOOOONG match.
-Booker gets the glove away and uses it himself.
-They fight some more. Jarrett ducks outside and tries to get a guitar it was stuck.
-Jarrett fought Booker some more, then went for the guitar again. It was still stuck.
-Jarrett climbed the top rope... Beetlejuice scurried out from under the ring and punched Jarrett in the nuts a few times. Jarrett went down.
-Booker grabbed the last box, opened it, and took the belt. Meanwhile, the Beetle dove onto Jarrett and... I don't know... sat there and tried to assemble a thought.
-Booker was the new/old/same champ. He was busy celebrating when...
-Steiner ran out and piped him up. Jarrett gorilla slammed Beetlejuice back into the ring. Steiner dragged the dude around then put him in a "Steiner Recliner". We got us a nice, attractive close up of Beetlejuice's nice, attractive face. Imagine kissing THAT, ladies!
-The show ends.
You know, Nitro got better as it progressed. I actually liked it.
I liked it better than RAW.
And Hudson... "I didn't even know Kimberly had an Action Figure!"... BWAHAHAHAHAAA
Okay, so last week, I had 119 winners for the Movie contest... with the winner being declared GOD in this column for a week. For round two, more than half of the contestants entered, which is more than I figured. Out of those... only 17 got ALL the answers right. So, we are down to 17. Very reasonable.
Oh and there was a discrepancy involved with my cheat sheet. I knew that TV Guide "regionalized" it's issues so that what I had may not be in the issue put out in Los Angeles, or New York, or Baton Rouge... I just figured that at least the alphabetized movie listings in the back were all world wide. That was my mistake. Of course, the smart ones just logged onto TV Guide's web site and got the answers there.
First, here are the answers:
1) Body of Water Serene -
2) A Single Deputized Servant of the Law with a High Threshold of Pain -
One Tough Cop
3) Domestic Fire Breathing Reptiles of Lore-
4) Bar-B-Q Necessity Spelunker's Female Child -
Coal Miner's Daughter
5) Sharing a REM Cycle with a Hated Opponent -
Sleeping with the Enemy
6) Heir to the Throne as a Representative of an Urban Metropolis -
Prince of the City
7) In Cuisine Lingo, Usually Found in Front of Mex -
8) What Serpents Use to See With -
9) The Ones I Have Always Looked Up to and Admired Tend to Play Pro Ball in Dallas -
My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys
10) A More Superior Direction to Take in Order to Perish -
A Better Way to Die
11) Gay Cross Dressers Doctrine of Inference -
12) Myself and My Friends Cannot Claim to Play Professional Baseball in California. -
We’re No Angels
13) Home of Leo and Sometimes Virgo -
14) Made Up Misdeeds -
15) Final One to Formally Give Up -
Last to Surrender
16) Ghoul Exposers -
17) Flying Rodent Over the Legal Drinking Age -
18) Sightless Appointment Scheduled in Advance -
19) Bloated Stomach -
20) Losers Who Vehemently Argue Over Picard vs Kirk vs Sisko vs Janeway -
And the winners are:
Abraham Lara, Brendan McDonald, Chris Polgar, Dale Glaser, Hank Irons, Joe Saldivar, Johnny Betts, Lou Castagno, Mike Zeidler, Robert Ervin, Rude Dude, S Wray Smith, Stephanie Hanus, Jim Sullivan, Troy Babbs, Alex Williams, and Ray Reasoner
So, we have at least 1 chick in there... which is good. Plus, we also have DALE GLASER... the winner of the LAST big contest who got to be God for a column and is apparently intent on keeping his title. Well kids, now it gets hard.
Say goodbye to movies. Forget about TV shows. And I won't even entertain the thought that you guys read books... so it's back to SONGS!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAAA
Same rules apply: You get points for how many you get, so even if you only get 4, you might still win. The time limit expires when the "Simpsons" come on Sunday night.
Oh, and just to make this really easy... all the listed songs come from only 1 band. Each and every song listed is a song by one single band. 4 men... well, 3 men and one homo.
Or... should I say... one QUEEN!!
NAME THAT QUEEN SONG!
1: Slightly Less Than Forty But Slightly More Than Thirty Eight
2: A Single Synthezoid (courtesy of Marvel Comics)
3: My Goal Is To Forcefully Get Out of Confinement
4: Everyone is Deceased, Repeat
5: Ernest Miller Chilling by the Pool on a Warm Summer's Day
6: Allow Myself to Remain on This Mortal Coil
7: The Tour De France, essentially
8: The Proper Way to Star a Letter to Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox Arquette, Matt LeBlanc, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer, and Mathew Perry
9: The Won Who Didn't Win by the Conclusion of the Contest
10: Mary and Joe's Brat
11: Parade or Sequence, Whichever You Prefer Since It Means the Same.
12: Vegging Out During The Beginning of the Evening of the Sabbath
13: A Great Fight Between Mythical Monsters
14: Us, In an Intimate Fashion
15: Bret Hart
16: The Homo Liege that Belongs to Me
17: Indirect Suggestion
18: XY & XX
19: What These Chicks Become Once You Knock Them Up.
20: Prolonged Agony by Way of the Chinks
I'll be the first to admit, I was reaching here on some... but Jesus, it's not like they have a million songs to wade through.
If you all get this... then next week we make it nice and simple.
Oh, and to everyone else, even though I'm sure you ALL took a stab at this... because it IS a cool thing to fart around with, I'll go back to a regular closer next week.
The Debates are over... I'm sure you didn't watch them. Too busy in Chat rooms with your only friends... LOSERS!!!! THIS IS YOUR FUTURE!!! BE A PART OF IT!!
Yeah, meanwhile I don't vote. Melissa and I decided that I'd vote for Bush and she'd vote for Gore... so since we cancel each other out... why even bother?
That little 17 year old said that if she COULD vote, she would have written in my name. Amanda's so cute. Never had a virgin before, I might make a trip to Florida one day and break a few Statutory Laws... stick a few fingers up there and see how hard she moans.
Yeaaah... that's nice. That's... aw crap, got myself a huge hardon now. Gotta go take care of this now.
I'm out. You all blow.
This is Hyatte
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