Mop-Up RAW 10.16.00
"you a damn fool"
LoRdMc23@aol.com (last week)
"great article. finally someone who can f**king write!"
I'm winning them over... one by one
"Hey Chris, What's up? Well, now that DJ Scribble's is getting involved in wrestling, thought I'd pass a little something along from a friend of mine. For everyone who watches MTV or goes to the Palace on Fridays, here is the rumor. When DJ Skribbles is in Massachusetts, he is under contract by the Palace not to spin anywhere else. While he is there, he has his bodyguards check the crowd for the hottest girls in the place. They bring the girl to the DJ booth where Skribbles gives the girl "E", cocaine and then has sex with the girl. He then gives her $500 to keep quiet. He does that 5 times a night. No proof as to yet but the is a reward if so girl does come forward to admit that he does this."
Anonymous... well, he DID give me his name, but since this is all UNCONFIRMED... not to mention CRIMINAL... I thought it best to keep his name out of it.
Oh, I totally believe this, absolutely. DJ's... can't trust any of them. They're all shady, slimy bottom dwellers. But, just because I buy it doesn't make it TRUE... guy could just be talking out of his butthole. I doubt he is, but it's VERY possible. Nobody knows for sure.
Who the hell can have sex 5 times a NIGHT? What Club Spin Doctor uses BODYGUARDS?
"A lot has happened in the last week, and 1Wrestling broke several major stories. We were the first site to report on the Juventud Guerrera incident, the first site to post the Mandalay denial of the WCW rumors, the first to report the news that last Friday was ECW's last show on TNN, and this morning we were the first to report that Juventud Guerrera had been released by WCW. We realize that we're in a competitive situation with other sites, and we continue to work hard to make sure we are first with the major stories with correct and accurate information."
Bob Ryder... bragging about his site's hard nosed journalism skills. Did I mention that Bob hosts WCW Live so is pretty much privy to ALL WCW moves before the public is? Did I mention that Dave Scherer is the webmaster of ECW's site, so HE is privy to all ECW moves before their made public? Did I mention that Bob is a classless, ignorant, self-fellating IMBECILE for spilling such ludicrous propanda?
How come 1Wrestling is NEVER the first to break any WWF STORIES? Someone should ask them that.
I am Chris and this is the Mop-Up. And how are we today? Good?
I was out last week, taking another one of my "infamous vacations"... two things happened early last week that forced my absence. The first one was that... well... it's kind of funny, actually
Remember my dog? The one who I spent a column pretending that it was just hit with a car and died? Well, I had to put him to sleep last Monday. He had a form of cancer and his bones were going. I guess I pissed God off when I spent a column pretending he was dead. God blows Donkey Penises.
So there was that... and there was a big fight with my girlfriend... we didn't break up, but we came close. I have a HUGE announcement concerning this at the very end of the Nitro recap... right after the closer... if this column and/or my life interests you, you will want to check it out.
So, my dog died and my girl blew up at me. You can see why I didn't feel like doing a column, right?
Oh and PLEASE spare me your heartfelt condolences... you don't know me, you never met me, and you didn't know my dog... so do NOT send me and e-mail telling me how sorry you are... you phony bastards... all you want is for me to be "funny boy"... that's it. Save your sympathy... I don't want to hear it... jackasses.
This week's AAT is about the "Greatest Angle of Them All"... it's a good one. Lots of people already told me how well written it was. I think you'll like it. It also features a working definition of the word "irony". It's another must read from the King of the Internet.
This week's Closer is a slice of real life. Something happened to me this week online that you HAVE to hear about. It's just further prove that this Net completely sucks and I am the best damn thing to happen to it in a long time. I also tear someone a brand new asshole... because this pissed me off HUGE... so huge that I even scared Murtz Jaffer on AOLIM.
God knows, this is long enough already, but I have a LOT to say this week... so let's jump to the HYATTE'S GOD CONTEST
Two weeks ago, 17 people advanced to round three, Name that Queen Song... where the final winner gets to be my God in this column for a week. Well, here are the answers:
1: Slightly Less Than Forty But Slightly More Than Thirty Eight (39)
2: A Single Synthezoid (One Vision)
3: My Goal Is To Forcefully Get Out of Confinement (I Want To Break Free)
4: Everyone Deceased, Repeat (All Dead, All Dead)
5: Ernest Miller Chilling by the Pool on a Warm Summer's Day (Cool Cat)
6: Allow Myself to Remain on This Mortal Coil (Let Me Live)
7: The Tour De France, essentially (Bicycle Race)
8: The Proper Way to Star a Letter to Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox Arquette, Matt LeBlanc, Lisa Kudrow, David Schwimmer, and Mathew Perry (Dear Friends)
9: The One Who Didn't Win by the Conclusion of the Contest (The Loser in the End)
10: Mary and Joe's Brat (Jesus)
11: Parade or Sequence, Whichever You Prefer Since It Means the Same. (Procession)
12: Vegging Out During The Beginning of the Evening of the Sabbath (Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon)
13: A Great Fight Between Mythical Monsters (Ogre Battle... some guessed "Dragon Attack"... well, a Dragon is NOT mythical and an "attack" really can't be called a "great fight".. so pffth)
14: Us, In an Intimate Fashion (You and I)
15: Bret Hart (The Hitman)
16: The Homo Liege that Belongs to Me (My Fairy King... I'm kind'a proud of this one)
17: Indirect Suggestion (Innuendo)
18: XY & XX (Son & Daughter)
19: What These Chicks Become Once You Knock Them Up. (Fat Bottomed Girls)
20: Prolonged Agony by Way of the Chinks (Chinese Torture)
10 of the 17 got it... and they are: Abraham Lara, Dale Glaser, Joe Saldivar, Johnny Betts, Lou Castagno, Robert Ervin, Rude Dude, S Wray Smith, Stephanie Hanus, Jim Sullivan, Troy Babbs, Alex Williams, and Ray Reasoner.
So, Dale Glaser... the winner of the first ever HYATTE'S GOD Contest is still looking to retake his title. There is also a real live GIRL in there too... no, not Sullivan.
So, for THIS round... there will be NO game... NO re-worded titles... instead, then winner is the one who answers this... one... question:
Including this one, how many Mop-Ups have I written?
There is a number... only I know it. This is after being on the Net for 3 years plus. This includes Scoops, ScoopThis, and 411. But do NOT go by weeks, because Lord knows I've had a LOT of weeks off. Now, even though the Mop-Ups are broken into 2 recaps, I count them both as two halves of one whole column. This does NOT include my old "Spilled Milk" PPV recaps for Scoops NOR does this include the bonus "Wrestlemania 1" Mop-Up I did a year or so back. How many straight Mop-Ups of Raw and Nitro have I done? I don't expect anyone to get the actual number... so the one who comes closest will win. Good luck.
One hint... the number is in triple digits.
Another hint... it's an even number.
Two quick notes, then we're off...
1) It appears as if I will be doing the "Edge" radio show on Halloween night. More on that next week. I may even do it drunk. Either way, I can promise that I'll be MUCH funnier than Zimmerman... or Ryder... or any other Internet goober. (of course, CRZ is my pal, and NOT a goober. Ryder is, of course. "Ron and Fez"... is there a more homosexual name for a radio show out there?))
2) How many brand new physical and mental hardships will my old buddy Sean Shannon claim to have just to show how hard he must battle this monster called Life? Isn't it fun to watch him sweat out lame excuses while Steve Corino calls him out for being nothing but a weak writer who thinks that being negative about everything is the path to success?
I'd just like to say that I was born with a small penis, so I simply cannot take all these porn stars up on their offer to appear in a movie with them just to see how hard it is to make a girl climax on camera. It's the curse of my genetics... it is the curse of my EXISTENCE!! BUT STILL, I BATTLE ON!!!! BUT STILL... I STRUGGLE!!
Okay... I'm done. Remember that BIG announcement at the end of the Closer... that's all I have to say... sort of...
RAW IS WAR (or: You know... I really thought that Owen ran the bastard over)
- WWF: One World. My God, it could really happen, couldn't it?
-opening theme... can you imagine how many new images they'll have to jam in there if Vince actually BUYS the damn WCW?
-They are in Detroit. Even though I am a couple of thousand miles away, I automatically grab my wallet and put it in my front pocket. Detroit is NOT a happy place to be, people.
-Whenever I think of Detroit, (which isn't a hell of a lot) I always think of Richard Pryor's great line about how the first man to walk the planet was from Africa, thus he was a black man. After ruminating a little on how cool that was, Pryor said, "The very first human being was a black man! His first words were, "Alright, where the F**k am I? And how do I get to Detroit?" (BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA)
-"When you're on fire and running down the street... people, will get out of your way!"
-"I couldn't shoot my lady, so I had to shoot my car! Then the police came! And they don't shoot cars... they shoot nee-gars."
-ahh... Pryor didn't speak... he PREACHED!!!!
-I think, somewhere in this recap, I will sing a little Smokey. Drop a little Motown on your pansy asses.
-Jim Ross announces that there are 17 THOUSAND 4 HUNDRED AND EIGHTY 5 WWF FANATICS IN THE BUILDING!!! I would like PROOF that all the people in there are actual WWF "Fanatics"... ARE YOU SAYING THAT THEY ARE ALL MINDLESS AUTOMATONS WHO BLINDLY SWALLOWS WHATEVER THE COMPANY FEEDS THEM?? IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, JIMBO??? THAT THE WWF FANBASE IS MADE UP OF NOTHING MORE THAN RIGHT WING CONSERVATIVES???
-My Christ... when did RAW Is War become "Raw is the GOP"?
-I think I'm channeling Berkely Breathed
-"He still have Cheeze Wiz in his knickers?"
-"The world's gone to Hell in a handbasket ever since David Lee Roth left Van Halen!"
-We are informed that this whole deal is translated into Spanish... you can always count on the WWF to not ignore the all important Prison Population.
-opening up things is the great Eddie Guerrero. Meanwhile I am heavily considering making the outlandish claim that Eddie NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER OPENED A NITRO!!! THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN BY OPPORTUNITY!!! EDDIE HAS BEEN GIVEN THE CHANCE IN THE WWF THAT HE NEVER HAD IN ATLANTA!!! THE WWF RULES!!!
-and... after careful consideration, I decide that there has to be SOME loser out there who DOES remember seeing Eddie open a Nitro, so it would be smart NOT to make such a silly claim.
-Last Thursday, we see that Chris Jericho COULD have become the IC champion, were it not for that rat jap SCOUNDREL X-Pac. (of course, seeing how Y2J hasn't seen a push since "Survivor" was all the rage... chances are he wasn't winning the damn thing anyway)
-Eddie enters el ring and begins el diatribe... now, ALL the women want him... Playmates, Ho's (err... explain the difference there?), or Baby Dolls (Hey, you hasn't copulated with a Cabbage Patch Doll once or twice? Nothing gets ME hornier than a a little Orphan with big fat cheeks... plenty of room in there for a set of balls.... oh yeah... oh baby...)
-Once I orchestrated a three way with myself, Raggedy Ann and Big Bird!
-Eddie then looked at Lillian Garcia and accused her of having a "twinkle in her eye"... it would be the first sign of actual emotion ever shown on Ms Garcia's face.
-Eddie says that he did NOT let Chyna WALK out of his life... no, no... in truth, he just got tired of her "moaning, her crying, and her whimpering!" (Wow... sounds like every Christmas morning I ever spent with Mom and Dad. We weren't Jewish, but Dad ALWAYS found uses for the Minora)
-Frankly, Chyna was just a big pain in the ass!! Then he broke out in some Spanish lingo. God Bless dem TNN boys... I'm sure they were POURING through their Spanish translation books to make sure Eddie wasn't cursing up a storm! ("Can't that boy just say 'YEEEHAAAW' like Bo 'n' Luke do?")
-Speaking of pains in the asses, Eddie promised a special kind of payback to Mr. Ass for getting in his face...
-Speaking of Ass Faces, Eddie promised that when Chyna inevitably comes crawling back, she won't find a bed of roses... she'll find his boot kicking her ASS right out of his life!!!
-call me loco, but I think Eddie's a Heel now!
-"Ju wanna know da REAL Eddie Guerrero?" Well FINE!!! Then he ripped off his clothes and started singing "People" to the Time Keeper. My God, the real Eddie loves Streisand... and male time keepers, apparently.
-Eddie put his clothes back on and told Commissioner Foley to bring out Jericho again. even though he already whupped his ass last week. In fact, Foley can bring out Jericho, or Senor Ass, or even Mama... err... the CHEAP FLOOZY! He'll fight them ALL!! (Eddie's Mother is a cheap floozy?)
-There he is. The one wrestler on the planet intent on keeping Ronnie James Dio's songlist from entering obscurity. (When there's LIGHTENING!!... YOU KNOW IT ALWAYS BREAKS ME DOOOOOOWN!! 'CAUSE IT'S FREE AND I SEE THAT IT'S ME... WHO'S LOST AND NEVER FOUUUUUUND!!!)
-Jericho had a mic... and quickly told Eddie that for ONCE, they are not opening with a 20 minute opening segment (if I didn't have to recap it, I'd find nothing WRONG with these things.)
-So, Jericho asked Eddie to "shut the hell up" (boy, that hell is sure a chatterbox, ain't he?) and let's proceed with "Raw is Jericho!" Jericho charged... Eddie waited... both men took off their shirts. Am I nutso or is Jericho getting chubby?
-They fought for about 45 seconds, then Eddie sold a Jericho monkey flip and damn near crash landed on his head. He also hyper-extended his hamstring... which only *I* could notice because I am an Insider and you are a plebian! (ugh, now I'm channeling Scaia... actually, I got it from Ashish... who STILL logs off the second he sees me on AOL IM)
-Jericho tried to move in and tussle some more, but Eddie was hurting. At one point, he threw Eddie off the ropes, and Eddie's leg almost gave out on him. The Ref stopped the match right there and then. The fans chanted "EDDIE SUCKS, EDDIE SUCKS"...
-of course, is this was WCW, Eddie would grit his teeth and continue on... because in WCW... the wrestlers love to COMPETE!!! In the WWF, it's all about doing Leno, (and they ONLY do Leno because Letterman isn't interested in having wrestlers on... trust me, if Dave opened the doors NOBODY there would do Leno anymore.)
-I have a very clear, but small memory of seeing Vince McMahon covering a birth of a baby in a Hospital for Dave's old NBC show waaaaaaay back in the early 80's.
-As the Ref tended to Eddie, X-Pac ran out and attacked Jericho... I am getting goosebumps at the now VERY real prospect of seeing X-Pac and Razor Ramon re-united (hey, they gave Jake Roberts one more chance, didn't they?).
-As the Ref tended to X-Pac and Jericho, Mr. Ass ran out and cleaned house. They played his music. Whoa, listen to the pop he's getting. Who'da thunk they'd miss him?
-Someone tell that Gunn fool that long sideburns went out once Luke and Jason finally graduated from High School and Tiffany became the hottest slut to ever show up on Fox since Kelly Bundy.
-Ross used his expertise to declare that indeed, Eddie did pull his hamstring. If we were in Canada, Ross would have to appease those Godless heathens by calling it his "Canadian Bacon strings"
-Stephanie McMahon arrived in her limo... Kurt Angle was right there to greet her. Stephanie ordered him to carry her bag into the building. Then Stephanie applauded herself for having "it"... I can only wonder if she means the same sort of "it" that Bob Ryder was talking about years ago when he claimed that Kevin Greene definitely has "it"? (oh I just LOVE doing shit like this)
-We see Coach all set to interview "Rikishi". THAT'S the Coach? Wow, I think Craig T has spent a wee bit too much time in the tanning booth!
-The "M & M Slam" of the week is actually a year old... it's Austin getting run down and Rikishi admitting to it. Ah... see, it's not a PHYSICAL Slam... it's an EMOTIONAL SLAM this time around!
-We are at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit. Ironically, Joe misspent all that boxing money and now parks cars there. (and if he's dead... EAT ME... it's a conceptual joke)
-Of course, this being Detroit, the REAL name of the building is the "Joe Mama Arena"... but Detroit has enough problems getting taken seriously.
-Ross called Rikishi the most "Infamous perpetrator in WWF History" (With Patterson still being the "Most Infamous PENETRATOR in WWF History"... BA-DUM DUM... THANK YOU!!! COME BACK LATER TONIGHT FOR MY "BLUE" SHOW!)
-didn't I retire all material concerning poor Pat?
-Isn't it sad to watch unfunny ECW Recappers try to make Patterson jokes of their own?
-Do I really need to keep busting this poor kid's balls?
-First the "Bloom County" guy, then Scaia, now I'm channeling Scherer.
-The "Coach" (worstshoweveronnetworktv) sits down for a chat with Rikishi! The building boos loudly. (one would think Detroit, of all places, would be wildly cheering an attack on a Red neck bald Texan)
-'Kishi wastes no time and sternly sayd, "You gonna ask me a question or WHAT?" (oo, he's a Heel now... BOOO, HISSS, BOOOOOOO)
-THAT IS NOT CRAIG T. NELSON, DAMMIT!!!!! AND WHERE THE HELL IS JERRY VAN DYKE TO MAKE SENSE OF ALL THIS????
-The Coach (yeah, right) asked Rikishi how his life has CHANGED since admitting to hitting the no-selling bastard. Riki... Ri... *sigh*... too many I's... from now on, his name is Tonto.
-Tonto says that his life has dramtically improved 1000 percent!... no, those asshole whitey fans don't like him much, but his FAMILY... his PEOPLE... have all rallied behind him and APPLAUDED his decision!
-You see folks... Tonto took matters into his own hands and became a VISIONARY... a PIONEER!! He stood up to the MAN, and made a CHANGE here... he made a DIFFERENCE!! (*spittake*... HOLY CRAP!!! IT TOOK HIM 7 YEARS, BUT FATU FINALLY "MADE A DIFFERENCE"!!!!!)
-figure... oh, I'll be generous and say that fully HALF of you caught that
-Coach prodded on... pointing out that it was ironic that tonto was banned by Foley to be at the Joe Louis Arena tonight, but it was there at THE JLA (first thing Waid did was bounce out Batman... rat prick) where the deed was done a year ago.
-In the most Ironic line of the YEAR... Tonto made a verbal mistake and stuttered on the line "let's make no mm mem... let's make no mistake about it!" (heh... I laughed) then accused Mick Foley of being SO biased against the Islanders that he even set a bag of dog turd on fire and left it burning on Mike Bossy's porch, then rang the doorbell and ran like Hell! (that's the best Islanders reference I can do... and you all LOVE me for it)
-Tonto is PROUD of what he did and he'll do it AGAIN!!
-The Coach said that the Rock was not happy about this. Tonto said that Rocky's reaction hurt him deeply... and that deep inside, Rocky was really cool with what he did.
-Tonto re-iterated that he would do it again and had ZERO remorse about doing it. He talked more about the "Great White Hope" (why bring Bob into this?) and about how the Islanders have historically been kept down in the WWF... (yep, it's all been downhill since Piper mashed a Coconut into Snuka's face). The Rock was his family and he will do ANYTHING to keep Rocky from becoming what all his other family members have become.
-Tonto also said that Austin wasn't a problem... screw him. Everyone else is all scared of him, but Tonto ain't.
-If you thought getting hit by a car was bad, wait until you see what Tonto does to Ol' Stevo at "No Mercy"... and you can take THAT to the bank!! (and... do what with it? If it ain't green paper, the Bank isn't all that interested)
-cut to Ross and Lawler. Ross, being Austin's best friend, consigned Tonto to multiple levels of Hell for his belligerence. Then Ross looked straight into the camera and said, "You better care about Stone Cold, you fat monkey, because at No Mercy, he's gonna bring a little Texas Justice down on your chunky ASS!!" Lawler had to talk him down once Ross started drooling.
-short and sweet... nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets me into a storyline more than when they reference the past. All this talk about "Islanders" and "White Champions"... you have to understand, I'm a child of 80's WWF Rasslin', where they NEVER talked about the past and NEVER hinted at ANY possible wrongdoings by the company. This is STILL new stuff to me.
-my only complaint is that they made Tonto TOO much of a heel... I would have played up the "No, I'm still a face, I just was helping my Family" card
-and F-You to those who knock this as being too "racist"... give me a break. They are handling this issue with kid gloves.
-Trish Stratus is backstage, leading T & A somewhere.
-We see "Heat" footage where Trish did an entire strip tease for the Acolytes JUST so when she drops her panties, the Aco's will be so mesmorized that they won't see T & A jump them. This may be the silliest "set-up" ever conceived. Why set them up? What titles do they own? Who profits? WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THIS WHOLE FEUD WAS JUST CREATED AS AN EXCUSE TO GET TRISH IN HER SKIVVIES???
-This would be the time when I talk about how hard I'd bang Trish... but I cannot because my Girlfriend is my life and my world revolves around her. I love you, sweetie!
-T & A come to the ring.
-The Acolytes do too.
-you know, it does my heart good to see that Ron Simmons has remained a prominent figure in the sport after all these years.
-After several minutes of brawling and some REALLY stiff shots, Trish hopped up to thering apron and distracted Bradshaw. Well, she tried, at least. Bradshaw went over to her, planted a big smooch on her NECK!! (gah... I hate bad stage kisses). He then walked into a big Choke Bomb from Albert. Bradshaw kicked out.
-Faarooq with a Spinebuster on Albert...
-Bradshaw with a big clothesline on Test
-Bradshaw got the pin. Ross called it a "small measure of revenge"... Jesus, what else should they have done? Pants them?
-Backstage, HH and that H fellow and his Wife share a private moment in front of millions (and dropping each week... let's see, there was football and championship baseball to battle against... both shows dropped a couple of tenths... BY GOD, PRO WRESTLING IS GOING DOWN IN FLAMES!!! THE SALAD DAYS ARE OVER!!!)
-tell you what, if the ratings are STILL dropping by next year, when all of Hollywood is on strike and there is no Fall Season... THEN you can talk about how Wrestling is sinking, okay?)
-I'm thinking that it'll be a REAL safe bet that the ratings will EXPLODE if Vince does buy WCW and Nash, Hall, Hogan, Hart, Sting, and Goldberg start popping up on Raw. We're talking 9's across the board.
-Stephanie tells Hunter that she IS the WWF and she WILL be Kurt Angle's "manager"... HHH fears for her life. She's the Boss's Daughter, the Hot Dog vendors are in more danger of getting creamed than she is.
-umm... maybe "getting creamed" isn't the right phrase to use when concerning Ms Stephanie... from what I hear, she gets creamed all the ti... oh never mind.
-Backstage, Stephy is giving Angle a pep talk... Hunter intrudes and demands to speak with him alone. Stephy leaves... so do we before they start talking.
-Al Snow steps out... he's the European champion, and this week, he's representing England (That "Greece" tribute he did last week was brilliant). In a faux Brit Accent, he asks, "What does everybody WAUNT?" Then said "Smashing" after the crowd responded correctly.
-he had a picture of "William" Regal with him, with Regal giving his classic "outraged" look... of course, he is "William" now because there's room for only ONE "Steve" in the WWF
-Ross sarcastically points out that Snow must be working the British gimmick... Lawler says, "How 'bout some Fish and Chips, Al?" To which Ross laughed... even though it wasn't all that funny.
-Fish and Chips... a staple of almost every Pizza Joint in New England on both Wednesday and Friday... I still haven't figured out why.
-William Regal comes out... he walks like a guy who really has to take a dump but can't run to the toilet because the crap might unload. (Oh Lord, who hasn't had one of those moments!)
-Right after Garcia introduces him as "England's Good Will Ambassador", he attacks Snow. Funny.
-Regal... the only Heel who NEVER throws a punch... I LOVE THIS GUY!!!!
-Regal... the only wrestler who works a match 70's style and refuses to adapt to the 90's... HE IS GOD!!!!!
-Regal... the face of an angel who is tougher than the hardest Ultimate Fighter... REGAL RULES!!!!!
-Regal peppers Snow with forearms... then hits a straight up suplex... then goes for the pin. WHO GOES FOR THE PIN AFTER A STRAIGHT UP SUPLEX?? NOBODY!!! BOOYAAA
-Snow rallies, hits a bodyslam, then goes for a Moonsalt... (nothing spices up a meal then a dash of some Moonsalt)... Regal never looses that "what's that smell" look on his face... Ross reminds him that he's in Detroit. Regal nods and mutters, "that explains it, then."
-Oh, and that Moonsault landed on Regal's raised knees. Regal followed this with his... err.. STF thingy (Stone Temple Faggots?) and won the belt. Bully for him.
-Ross fumes at Regal's disingenuous smile... which is funny to see after he snarls and kicks Snow around some more.
-My advice... send Snow back to ECW for a while... give Heyman a friggin' fresh body to book. Send T & A there too.
-Backstage, HHH explains to Kurt that he is in charge of Stephanie's well-being, and if ANYTHING should happen to her... well... how does a long, stretched-out feud with the Big Bossman sound?
-Elsewhere, Kane is walking DOWN a flight of steps... or maybe he's walking UP a flight of steps and I'm just tripping on that tab of Acid I found behind my toliet? Whoa... it's like... surreal... sooooo existential... he's like... going UP the stairs but he's really going dowwwn... far out, man. Groovy.
-say, where is Gagnon anyway?
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Last Thursday, Kane grabbed Stephanie by her hair and almost ripped out her weave... almost. Of course, the McMahon's have a history of good luck with artificial hair.
-Triple H comes out. Kane wisely stands there and waits for Hunter to finish his entrance by standing on the ring apron, scan over the crowd, spit out his watter, and YAWN!! COME ON HUNTER, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE ENTHUSIASM!!! JERKOFF!!!
-They didn't fight... they couldn't... for you see...
-Chris Benoit had to stomp out and join Ross and Lawler on the mic, uh oh... prepare yourselves for some awkward silences.
-HHH watched Benoit come out with concern and perhaps a little FURY!!! (someone kill me now). Kane attacked him from behind before he can yawn again.
-Benoit joins the announcers. He screws up the second word to come out of his mouth. He is so cute.
-Benoit, "Everyone is SICK AND TIRED of hearing aboot his marital problems with Stephanie. There comes a time when you have to SEPERATE business from your personal life!!" Then he announced that Kevin Sullivan hasn't been able to achieve an erection since PN News was on the scene. Then he bragged about how wet Nancy gets. (Jeeze... kick a Devil Worshipper while he's down, why don'cha).
-poor Mandy has no clue what I am talking about.
-HHH and Kane went at it. I think the second hour arrived here... but I could be wrong.
-Benoit asked if you would rather be "that damn good", or be the "best damn technical wrestler in the world today!" Ross pointed out that some say that HHH WAS the BDTWITWT... Benoit mumbled, "what the F**K, that line wasn't in the rehearsal? Then publicly begged the WWF to hire Arn Anderson so he didn't have to worry about his mic work.
-They continued to fight...
-Backstage, Stephanie and Kurt patiently waited for the cameras to come on before LEAPING SPONTANIOUSLY TO THEIR FEET!! Steph just KNEW that Benoit would make a mockery of this debacle and cost Hunter the match, so she had better get out there and... scream incoherently, I guess. Kurt stopped her and said that he promised Hunter that he would look out for her and there was no way he'd let her out there.
-This match was ALL KANE!!!!!! Except for the times when Hunter was in firm control (now THIS is how you recap, DAMMIT!!)
-Benoit says that the Game has the "power to come back at any given time!" (Funny, isn't that Viagra's slogan?)
-eww... stinko joke... cover your heads, people... I'm bombing.
-You gotta love that sign that reads, "THE GAME PLAYS WITH HIMSELF"
-HHH with his knee in the face thing... Kane didn't go down.
-HHH went for the Pedigree, Kane powered out.
-HHH was tossed out of the ring. he took one look at benoit and FLEW over the table and tackled him. Then the camera got good and close and saw HHH wail away on the back of Benoit's neck... (HIT THE FACE HHH!!! JESUS, WHY DON'T YOU HIT THE FACE??? KEEP THIS UP, AND PEOPLE WILL START QUESTIONING THE REALNESS OF THIS SPORT!!!)
-Kane grabbed HHH... HHH gave him a Pedigree on the floor. Benoit got up and chaired HHH... the Ref DQed Kane. Benoit threw HHH in the ring and gave him his series of Dragon with a German Accent Suplexes... then hit the Crossface. HHH tapped out wildly. Benoit stood up, and THEN... took off his shirt (nimrod).
-we see a replay of the Hunter dive. Oh, WAIT... HHH punched on Benoit's neck in order to BREAK it... okay... this sport IS real... HHH is trying to PARALYZE the poor Canuck.
-backstage, Steve Austin is in the building
-Meanwhile, Nash has been twisting Sting's neck for a full 5 minutes now. Well, they've officially given up now.
-Steve Austin comes out. If the deal goes through... I fully expect a MAJOR change of booking and it'll be Austin vs Goldberg at Wrestlemania. I also FULLY expect Goldberg to take a Stunner... bounce to his feet... mutter "Oy vey"... sigh deeply... THEN drop to the mat and allow Austin to pin him.
-Michael Cole has the honors of interviewing him for a few minutes before Austin inevitably yanks the mic away and cuts his promo.
-oh... NOW the second hour arrives.
-Cole asks Austin how he feels about being back at the "scene of the crime". Austin looks at him and says, "Hmm, I thought I pushed Owen off the rafter in Kansas City?"
-No, no... Austin REALLY said that while he's happy to be in Detroit... (pause for the big pop... I would have openly wept if Austin stuck up his thumb and smirked), but he's pissed off at the same time... (wow... Austin's PISSED? There's a shocker!)
-Austin talked about how he's going to compress ten months of pain and misery into one big match.
-Cole asked Austin what he thought of Tonto's interview. Austin opened up his thesaurus and ran down a list of words that meant the same as "nothing"... (allthough "BS" is NOT in there... I checked)
-Austin says that there is one sumbitch standing in the ring that does NOT need protection... (Really? Does Cole have a healing factor as WELL as being sterile? IS COLE WOLVERINE?? WHEN WILL HE POP HIS CLAWS???)
-Austin made a good point when he said, "First the sumbitch ran me down with a car, now he says he's just going to SLAP me? Kind'a a HUGE step DOWN, isn't it?"
-Austin said he had two pictures of Tonto in his bathroom, so he can see his face whether he's standing up OR sitting down! (Now THAT'S the Stone Cold I know and love)
-Austin promises that he will NOT armdrag Tonto... he will NOT dropkick Tonto... and he will NOT pull any of that "luche libre crap" on him... (right, it's not like he was the Master of the Standing Headlock before, you know... although I would be tickled if he brought back the old "Hollywood and Vine" just for fun)
-Of course, Austin yanked the mic out of Cole's hand... Cole took off. Some say he was crying.
-Austin got angrier and angrier as he promised to stomp a mudhole in Tonto's ass and walk it dry... in fact, I have NEVER seen him this angry before.
-Tonto showed up on the TitanTron and challenged Austin to come out to the actual scene of the crime. See, even though he was BANNED from ENTERING the building, nobody BANNED him from being in the PARKING LOT... (Christ... I DO go nuts with the CAPS LOCK BUTTON, DON'T i?)
-So, if Austin wantsd a preview of their No Mercy match... why don't he come on out and they can do it "poetic" style... (since he was at the actual spot where Austin was hit... man, it's almost as if they planned this whole thing from the get go a year ago!)
-Austin did the obvious.
-cut to Lawler and Ross, who ate up time while Austin got into backstage camera range.
-Austin was backstage, and damn near flew off the stairs because of that damn knee brace (maybe he should retire... the dude is falling apart)
-Austin stomped out to the scene of the crime
-he was outside... there was no Rikishi to be found. This should not be a problem. How hard can it be finding a dark skinned fat guy in downtown Detroit?
-Suddenly, a car CRASHED through some trash cans and came NOWHERE NEAR hitting Austin. Austin hobbled over to an open bed pick-up and rolled into it. Ross screamed, "MY GOD ALL MIGHTY!!!"
-'Kishi came to a stop and said, "Hey Austin!! Take a good look at my face!! You'll see a smile that seems out of place! Look closely and it's easy to trace... the tracks of my teeeeeears!!" Then sped off.
-booya, motherfu**as... there's a little Smokey for yous.
-Austin was left wondering just how the Hell he is going to be able to absorb a Goldberg Spear... (well, okay... I'm ASSUMING)
-Lawler says that we should give Rikishi a LITTLE respect for sending a chill down Austin's spine like that. Ross snarls that if 'Kishi keeps this crap up, he might find himself in Philadephia jobbing out to that little prick, Spike Dudley once this WCW merger happens and the WWF finds itself in need to pare down the roster.
-ugh... I simply canNOT imagine a more embarrassing thing than watching 400 pound behemoths lay down for Spike.
-X-Pac comes out. The Announcers pretend that this is NOT planned... of course, we are never told exactly WHAT was next... nor do they explain why they conveniently have X-Pac's flight show set up in the ring. I SWEAR, this show gets more like Nitro week after week. No WONDER Widro hates this crap now.
-The Little Peccer has a mic and says, "So let me get this right!"... the funny thing was, he held the mic with his LEFT hand. (oh... OH... that just SUCKED... I... I... I apologize)
-He called Chris Jericho a "frickin' idiot"... (oh God... does anyone realize just how LAME the word "frickin'" is? I mean, once the Wrestleline goofs started to use it?)
-speaking of which, how come when Samuda vanishes for a month, nobody complains... but when I go away for a week, I get flame mail?
-X-Pac brags about kicking Jericho's ass six ways to Sunday... and he'll do it again. But NOW, he wants to deal with that "pumped up, dumb blonde": called Mr Ass, who DX fired ten months ago, sticking his nose in X-Pac's bizness. So, why don't Gunn come on out now and they can settle this once and for all!
-Billy Gunn comes out... and was ambushed by Eddie Guerrero, who hit him with the IC belt... Billy Gunn rolled down the ramp... it would have helped if the dude didn't PHYSICALLY PUSHED HIMSELF FOR 90% OF THE ROLL, MAKING IT LOOK AS BELIEVEABLE AS ROSIE'S FETISH FOR TOM CRUISE!!
-The non-match was brief... long enough for Jericho to run out and attack X-Pac. The WWF Officials charged. They did that move where Jericho was so ENRAGED... that he kept breaking away from the Officials and attacking Pac... including a nice Springboard Dropkick into a chair that X-Pac was holding near his head, and another nice plancha to the outside.
-Let me say three things... 1) You would think Gunn might have dyed his hair fully so his brown roots would blaze out like they do and 2) X-Pac is one HELL of a good worker and 3) You all suck.
-the replay almost the entire last segment.
-Mr Gunn went to Mick Foley and DEMANDED that he get a shot at Eddie. Mick gave it to him for Sunday. No mention if the IC belt was on the line.
-By the way, Foley's book is now out in paperback. I'm sure it's been reported already, but just in case you didn't know, I thought I'd share the news because even though you all do suck, I appreciate your loyalty to me. F-It... WE ALL SUCK!!!! ('ceptferme)
-The Dudley Boys come out. They are fast becoming a "3 Big Spots then Hit the Showers" kind of team. But DAMN if those 3 spots don't ROCK!
-Los Conquistadors come out. Since I KNEW I wasn't going to do a recap last week, and I RARELY watch Smackdown... I'm a bit confused about this duo. I am also ashamed to say that my memory is so fuzzy, that I can't remember if there 80's Conquistadors actually dressed like this, or am I thinking of the Ding Dongs? Or perhaps an Amalgamation of both?
-Lawler sold the team as newcomers... Ross hasn't had this much fun exposing the truth about a situation since the days when he would rag on Lawler for pretending that Brian Christopher wasn't his kid.
-How DO they get all that 80's Hair band hair UNDER those masks?
-Lawler asked how could Ross DARE think that Los Conqs were NOT from South America... Ross said, "I don't know... being in the business for 25 to 30 years maybe... I don't know."
-Lawler said that their names were "Uno and Dos"... Ross asked if their parents names were "Tres and Quatros?" (It was FUNNY, dammit!)
-Ross, "How can you say this with a straight face?" Lawler bragged, "Facelifts, baby, and lots of them!"
-The match was what it was... with the Conqs doing a bang up job working an 80's style match
-As D-Von tried to get one of their masks off, Ross said, "Maybe now we'll find out just who these two HOMBRES are!" (Since I am MUCH too lazy to learn how to throw in HTML tags, I have to go upper case intead of italics... THREE YEARS ONLINE AND I REFUSE TO LEARN EVEN THE MOST SIMPLE TRICKS OF THE INTERNET TRADE!!!!)
-Lawler, "These South American Wrestlers... these... these LUCHADORS..."
-Ross, "SOUTH AMERICAN WRESTLERS... what makes you think they're from South America?"
-Lawler answered that their accents were from South America, but ciouldn't tell which part.
-Lawler said that the reason South America didn't have an Olympic team was that anyone who could "run, jump, or swim was already in the United States!"
-Ross, referencing Gorilla Monsoon whether he knew it or not (I'd like to think he knew it), "Aww, will you STOP it!"
-I haven't heard these boys have this much fun since... since... well, it's been a looooong time.
-One of them dropkicked D-Von on his knees. Lawler called it a "South American dropkick"
-Then he choaked D-Von... Ross, "What is that? A Buenos Aries Chokehold?"
-Lawler said that "Conquistadors" stood for "Warriors"... Ross shot on Jimmy Hellwig by sniping, "There ain't much demand for Warriors these days! Especially for ones wearing those ridiculous outfits!" (expect a full, 9 page response from Hellwig on his website by week's end)
-Lawler claimed to have spotted the Conqs eating "hot tamales and hot peppers" early that night. Ross asked how they could eat that stuff with their masks on? Lawler said that they strained it. Ross, "Oh, they STRAINNNNED it!"
-This match went a LOOOOOOONG while... then Buh Buh was dagged.
-Lawler, "There goes DOS!!!"
-Ross, "DOS!" (again, it was dripping with sarcasm)
-We got us Dudley Spot #1... the Flying heabutt to the groin
-We got us Spot #2... the demand to get the table
-BUT... Uno gave them a Plancha and broke up the sequence.
-THEN... Buh Buh went after Dos's mask
-WHICH... allowed Uno to roll him up and hit the pin
-THAT... ended this segment quite nicely
-THERE... is nothing left to say here for me.
-a replay of how Rikishi ALMOST hit Austin again... of course... so long as you understand that Austin was roughly ten feet away from the car and there was no chance of it connecting with him... much like that episode of the "Brady Bunch" when the Clubhouse fell apart and Alice fretted, "That almost hit Cindy", even though Cindy, who really hit the wall when she got older wasn't anywhere NEAR the clubhouse when it fell apart. While your at it, also understand that this was the most pointless non-wrestling reference I have EVER made in my life... EVER.
-Meanwhile, the Rock was seen watching this replay and selling his heartbreak.
-Chyna was on Leno... we are shown footage for proof.
-Ross and Lawler, after their BEAUTIFUL performance during the Conquistadors match, had the utter AUDACITY, to praise Chyna for keeping her COMPOSURE on this Playboy promotional tour ebven though her heart was surely BROKEN by Eddie Guerrero and even went do far as to PRAISE her for not even COMMENTING on her recent break up. What UTTER AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!!! I EXPECT SO MUCH BETTER OF THEM THEN THIS KIND OF WCW-STYLE CRAP!! SHAME ON YOU JIMBO!!! SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!!
-The Road Dog fought Val Venis. Stevie Richards now apparently has the ability to HYPNOTIZE people by making them look into his eyes. Ross sold this new gimmick. Suddenly, I am wondering just how close we are to seeing the return of Papa Shango.
-Suddenly, I am VERY afraid. Wrestlers who HYPNOTIZE people? Dear Lord... please... make this stop.
-Val won, by the way.
-backstage, Stephanie gets Kurt and proceeds to pump him up.
-footage from "Sunday Night Heat"... Ross swears that we will all find out who is NEXT week's host on the very next Smackdown! (oo, now I'll skip "Friends"!)
-speaking of "Friends"... am I crazy or does Matt Perry look... odd?
-commercials. No network in the free world has ANY right to claim to have "pop" when they have a fishing show on the schedule.
-Here is something you'll hear on EVERY FISHING SHOW EVER MADE AND WILL EVER BE MADE..
-Fisherman #1: "That's a hell of a Fish."
-Fisherman #2: "Ayup"
-Lawler is seen hitting on some babes during the XFL Cheerleader tryouts. The man looks his oldest when standing next to young girls.
-alas... there by the grace of God... blah blah blah Hail Lucifer.
-The "Hos" are working the crowd at WWF New York... you will note that the woman in that place are few and far between... in other words, It's MARK HEAVEN!!!
-I heard that the Nitro Grill in Las Vegas quietly closed down. Even a Delphi poster can see the symbolism and irony.
-Stephy comes out... and turns up her voice to eardrum rupturing levels, and announces that Kurt Angle will be the guest host of Heat on Sunday (well, no need to watch Smackdown NOW, is there?) and will also interview the Rock on Heat, AND WILL ALSO win the world championship on Sunday.
-She brings out Kurt Angle. He comes out and cuts a promo about how the Joe Louis Arena is NOT famous for being the place where Austin was hit... but instead, it's REALLY famous because it hosted the television debut of HIM!!
-Steph asks if it's true that Detroit is the "Motor City"... Angle said yes, and the funny thing is that this is the place where the Rock left his gym bag open and... and... oh I've had enough. let's just say that he strongly suggested that the Rock was in on the Austin hit.
-They talked some more... Angle said that he would win EVERY singles title AND the King of the Ring honor within his first year in the business.
-They wrapped up and walked down the ramp...
-The Rock is backstage and he is coming.
-Jesus, all those ads and they STILL were playing the Angle music... Kurt and Steph must have stopped for a cigarette... or maybe some oral sex... or maybe some oral sex AND a cigarette.
-Edge and Christian came out. Ross and Lawler started to argue about the Conquistador Connection again... after that Chyna/Eddie crap... I lost my taste for these two.
-The Hardy Boyz came out with Lita.
-the Rock came out. He charged the ring and went straight for Angle. The match was ON!!
-Edge and Rock went at it. Christian was tagged and ate a Sumo drop... Rocky motioned for Angle to bring it... which led to a sneak attack.
-meanwhile, HHH was backstage... and he was WATCHING. (F-It)
-Matt Hardy was tagged in... he grabbed the top rope and lept head over feet and landed fluidly into the ring... then he jumped around like a damn chimpanzee... these boyz work harder in 30 seconds than Nash has worked in his life.
-E & C got some advantage... Angle helped... Matt was tuned up.
-Lawler commented about how Angle stood up to HHH's recent accusations... Ross mumbled something about "alternative lifestyles"... Lawler, "Right... ag fay... or something like that"... Ross then screamed, "WHEN WILL AIDS FINISH THE JOB AND KILL ALL THESE BONE SMUGGLERS??????" Lawler awkwardly tried to change subjects and commented on the weather. I think Jimbo is having a breakdown.
-Matt was worked on HUGE... he finally rebounded and tagged in NOBODY!! (Edge stopped it)
-but... Lita had seen enough. She climbed the top rope and nailed Christian with a nasty Hurricarana. Angle grabbed Lita and pulled her outside. Stephanie grabbed her and threw her into the steel post... from behind, Stephanie look EXACTLY like Alanis Morrisette... with her hair straight at the roots and permed halfway down.... her bony frame... her blouse... tight... leather... my God...
-I... I... I just had an accident in my pants.
-meanwhile, the Rock was tagged... he cleaned a little house... but Angle caught him with a clothesline.
-Outside, Jeff pounced on both E & C with a flying leap.
-Rocky was all set to Elbow Angle... Christian ran in... Rocky dumped him out.
-Rock Bottom on Angle
-Stephanie was up and yanked the Rock's foot. Rock actually pretended to be dragged... I actually stood UP OUT OF MY CHAIR AND SCREAMED, "ARE THEY INSANE???" Well... actually I stayed seated... and I didn't yell anything... I was... well... remember the accident I had in my pants? Well... err... I was just wondering what my jizz... umm... well, I heard stories about how it has no taste and... I wanted to see... *cough*... if this was... accurate.
-Things spilled outside... Jeff climbed the top ropes to drop something on Angle... Stephanie produced a tire iron (That's it... RAW IS NITRO DAMMIT!!!!) and hit his leg... Jeff went down. Angle gave him the Olympic Drop and won the match.
-Angle and Stufferfanny left... Rocky took out anything that was Canadian and glared at Angle. Kurt and Steph sneered at him and declared that they will be victorious on Sunday. Ross screamed, "DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMITALLTOHELL!!! THIS IS NOT FAIR!! THE ROCK SHOULD WIN EVERY MATCH HE'S IN!!! THE FACES SHOULD ALWAYS WIN!!!! (oh give it a rest, lardo)
-the show ended in this fashion.
Well, it had it's moments.
I'll tell you right now... this week's Nitro was meaningless because everyone's just waiting for the shoe to drop, so I am NOT going to expend much energy on the recap... but you should go there for the closer... because let's face it... my Closers RULE!!
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