Mop-Up RAW 10.23.00
Out of dozens, this one summed it all up.
Hyatte, please please please please please tell me that the letter to all of "us" from Melissa was fake, please oh god in heaven tell me you are pulling one of your little stunts, because if that is really a letter from your girlfriend, then i just don't know what in the hell to think anymore. I have been in a serius relationship for a year now, and the girl i love recently moved in with me. But isf she ever deigned to tell me what to think or say, I would boot her ass to the curb so quick she'd be picking the pavement out of her ass for a year, and I would expect no less from her. If you are going to change your style because this girl is too uptight to laugh at some funny-ass shit, then you may as well chop your nuts off and send them Sean Shannon because you sure as f**k won't be needing them anymore. Please tell me that this is a joke and that I've just been worked over like a six year old Hulkamaniac. For the love of Holy Christ......
Kevin Graham: KDoggy3611@aol.com
Nope... no joke
For a brief time yesterday, our story on Vince McMahon's rating in "Entertainment Weekly's" power list indicated he was ranked no. 9. It should have said he ranked no. 91. The correction was promptly made, but if you saw the first draft with the typo, we wanted to note the considerable correction.
The Torch... right there to correct a small typo. But will NEVER admit to POSTING STOLEN WORK!! OH NO... NOT THEM. Dickheads. I think I'll sue them.
That's right baby... I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO MAKE ITALICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER 3 GODDAM YEARS ON THE NET, THE KING HAS ACTUALLY LEARNED SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm the Hooligan (as noted by Scherer), by the way. We have us a TON of opening notes to get through. So strap yourself in and read. Lots of nifty things to discuss, some of which will actually add to YOUR enjoyment. Here we go.
Issue #1... plugs. This week's And Another Thing is a little old school ditty about two men who walked into a steel cage in the Omni 17 years ago, and there lives were changed forever because of it. Take a walk into wrestling history and meet these guys.
Also, this week's closer is about... well... it's about what everyone else is talking about. Just a tangled, unorganized, random bunch of thoughts concerning the pros and cons about the WWF swallowing up WCW. I usually don't deal with speculation like this, but come on... this is the biggest wrestling story of them ALL. This has to be discussed.
Issue #2... more plugs. On Halloween night, I will be on the Edge radio show, presumably. Yes, it's the VERY SAME show that Scaia plugged last week and smugly boasted about how he AND Scott Keith were on. (Oh, well.. I guess that makes the show IMPORTANT now). I promise you... no, I GUARANTEE you, that I will be MUCH more entertaining then BOTH of those asses. Believe me. Go over to http://www.theshooters.net/edge/index.html and wait for it. Oh, and since I'll be on the show... I hope they realize that Scaia will no longer plug it. As he told a friend through an interecepted mail... "The Rick wouldn't DARE, befoul his good name by mentioning something that has been tainted by the stench of Master Hyatte!" If anything else, go and listen to me mangle the word "idea" with my gross little Rhode Island accent.
Issue #3 Plug for an old friend. I got the chance to grab a preview of the soon to explode Dusty the Cat site. This Thursday, the 26th, Dusty makes his triumphant return at www.RespectThe Pussy.com. I saw it. It is F-ing LOADED with shit. It's got a "Girlfriend of the Week" contest (where I might throw in MY woman), a battle of the bands weekly demo contest (First up, some band against ROMERGENCY), Billy Darsow is there... Ask the Pussy, Pussy Rants... Goddam EVERYTHING you would expect from this Feline. I spoke to him this week over a few e-mails. He's as frisky as ever. He's also offering FREE @RespectThePussy e-mail. Why not? It's better than those boring old @aol.com addys all over the place. Maybe it's time I dumped the old "@msn.com" and move onto bigger things? It looks a lot like the old ScoopThis site, but he promises me that we won't have to deal with slow servers anymore. Everything will be speedy. So, wander over there on Thursday and give it a looksee... because we all know how fun messing around with pussy can be. (note... and seeing how few times I actually help people out with plugs, checking the site out tomorrow and bringing it big opening day numbers will only INCREASE the value of receiving attention from the King... wouldn't that be a nice thing to do for me?)
Issue #4. It's official. The Torch DID post a article stolen from me. More than enough people whom I trust told me it went down. There was no scam. Would it be too much trouble for you guys to e-bomb Keller and DEMAND that he apologize for it? Or maybe I should find something over there and post it as my own? See, like Scherer, Keller always screams about how people who take news from HIS site had better DAMN WELL ACKNOWLEDGE it... but it's okay for HIM to post STOLEN MATERIAL from other people without any sort of explanation. Do you see what utter and complete HYPOCRITES are on the net? Do you see how these assholes are so F-ING FULL OF THEMSELVES that they... they... oye f-ing GEVAULT. I SWEAR... THEY ALL REALLY DO SUCK. I HATE THEM ALL! EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!! M I WANT TO KILL THEM AND HAVE THE LAST THING THEY EVER SEE IS ME ON TOP OF THEIR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND/LIFEMATE AND PUMPING THEM UP THE ASS!!!!!!!
Issue #5. I spoke with the Girlfriend... we settled on some issues. If she can keep away from reading the column, everything will be hunky dory. Time will tell.
Issue #6. In the The Net is filled with IDIOTS Dept: I was sniffing around Delphi, as I am sometimes wont to do, when I came across a post from someone explaining why my Hart Pounding Commentary was so off base. Oh, he did the full point by point thing... proudly showing off his superior intelligence (after all, he posts on DELPHI) against my simple minded opinions. There was one... small... teeny problem with all this...
The Douchebag based his WHOLE thesis... his WHOLE argument over his utter CONVICTION that the Bret Hart-Vince McMahon Montreal Screwjob and subsequent defection to WCW was a whole WORK!!!! He actually thinks this was ONE HUGE ANGLE!!!! THAT'S WHAT HE BASED HIS ARGUMENT ON!!!
Unreal... totally unreal. This net... I tell you... this net is filled with truly stupid people. I don't care if you argue with me about my columns... that's the whole point OF them, to spark conversation... but for the love of JESUS... at least get your head out of your butthole before opening your mouth. You should have read the rebuttle... OH he acted so goddam cocky... like he had me SO schooled. What a F-ing little Scaia-like TOOL!
That's right baby... AFTER THREE GODDAM YEARS, I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO HYPERLINK URL'S!!!! THE KING HAS MASTERED SOMETHING NEW!!!
Actually, I didn't. None of them worked. Which is why there are like... FOUR Nitro columns for this week all in the archives. I'll show Widro what I did and he'll set it straight for next week... I hope. hey, when I bomb, at least I ADMIT IT!!!
Thanks to Widro for the lesson, anyway Now, if I can only get a paycheck in my mailbox. I got offers coming from all over the place... LUCRATIVE offers... let's go, kids.
Issue #7 The "Hyatte's God Contest"... last week, I asked the least ten finalists to hit the number of Mop-Ups there have ever been. What many of them did NOT know, was that in a Mop-Up from August, I had already hit on the exact number... so it would have been a snap to figure out the grand total two months later.
Of those who played... only two hit it right on the head.
Dale Glaser... the defending champion... had guessed 132. Well, Dale... you are now the EX champion! SEEYAAAA!!! BU BYE!!!!
The correct answer is... as of last week, there were 140 Mop-Ups.
The two winners are Johnny Betts... and Stephanie Hanus... which means that yes indeed, next week God might be a BABE!!!
So, Johnny and Stephanie... for the honor and priveledge of being Our Lord and Savior for a week I have this one question to ask you:
I am thinking of a number between 1 and 10... what is it?
The winner who hits it, or comes closest, will be God.
If it's a tie? Then I'm slicing my wrists.
FINALLY... Mop-Up reader Jeff Vank had a funky idea for me. I want YOU to send me the sickest, most evil, depraved, vile, disgusting act of sickness that you would like to see brought on Mark Madden's Mother. I'll use them for next week's closer for a big ol' send-off to Mark... (that is, IN HOPES that he'll be the first to go once someone buys this company). I want you to reach deep down into your inner beasts and WRENCH out the most horrifying thought you might have. Just try not to rip off me by coming up with some funky name for a unusually gross sex act. Try to be creative. It doesn't have to be sex... it can be ANYTHING. Let's give the Fat F**k a little Internet Misery to chew on. Let's make it clear to him what he REALLY think about him and the DemonBitch who produced him. Come on... let's get SICK. I'll use your name if you want... or I won't, if you wish for secrecy. If it makes you feel better, send in a nickname. (So, other web guys are welcome, in a big TRUCE to unite against a Single Purpose! Of course, this would mean that they would have to ADMIT to reading this... which we ALL know ain't gonna happen.)
Annnnnnd... I'm all done. I told you it was a HUGE set of openers. If I didn't put you all to sleep by now, I guess you can hang around and check out a little:
RAW IS WAR (or: Kane vs Jericho... the most detailed Feud EVER!)
-opens with a Vince voiceover praising the talents and mourning the passing of Yokozuna. One would assume that he died from being so fat... but perhaps... he was the first victim of the dreaded AL ISAACS CURSE!!!!!!!!
-Could it be??? Will EVERY WRESTLER that Al falsely announces as bound for a wrestling company due for an untimely death? DOES AL HAVE THE POWER OVER LIFE AND DEATH!!
-This just in... Al announces Vader is all set to make his WWF return! DEAR GOD!!! CALL AN AMBULANCE, LEON!!!!! YOUR LIFE IS IN MORTAL DANGER!!!!!
-I would have paid good money to see one of Yoko's bowel movements.
-fans, fireworks, signs, fired fans and worked signs. (huh?)
-We are in Hartford, Connecticut. Every recapper on the planet now must go to spell check to properly spell "Connecticut" (I sure did... three times)
-I'M GETTING SICK OF THESE HISPANICS CALLING ME A SAP!!! I AM NOT A SAP!!!
-Jim Ross says hello and welcomes us to Hartford... he giggles that it really should be called "Heartford" because the WWF will never have anything to do with the name "Hart" ever again! (rat bastard!)
-There was a PPV last night. Ross goofed on those who missed it in order to save their money for Halloween Havoc.
-Rikishi comes out to KILLER music. He's sporting a shirt from the Mark Madden Line. He's got him an UGLY bandage covering an UGLY wound on his UGLY forehead which is above his UGLY face which is on top of his UGLY torso which is carried by his UGLY legs which also holds his UGLY ass. (oh geeze... sorry... I was looking at a picture of my Mother and got confused... sorry.)
-Rikishi (who will now be called "Tonto" to save me typing time), enters the ring. Ross says that Austin has been trying to score some bail all day long, and is still stewing in the pokey in Albany... but EVEN though he's 200 miles away... and EVEN though no courtroom in the world is open at 9:00 pm (Don't give me that "Nightcourt" crap EITHER!!! Suspend disbelief and PLAY ALONG!!!), and even though Austin assaulted a COP... Ross still HOPES that Austin might make the trip to Heartford SOMETIME within the next two hours and show us all that it's still okay to dream. Then Ross prayed for World Peace... and for Russo's pecker to fall off.
-Tonto gets on the stick and announces that in honor of the passing of Yokozuna, he will increase his diet to 9 meals a day and do away with all fruits and vegetables for the rest of his life. IT'S ALL CHEESECAKES AND DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDERS WITH CHEESE FROM HERE ON OUT!!!!! (man... and meanwhile, poor Paul Wight is busy getting by on a diet of 3 grapes, two ounces of spinach, and 3 carrot sticks).
-BIG sign that asks, "Was It Worth It, Rikishi?" Hey douchebag, this mid-carder is now the connecting link between the two biggest names in pro wrestling... THERE ISN'T A WORKER ALIVE WHO ISN'T PRAYING FOR AN ANGLE LIKE THIS!!!!!!
-R'kishi asks "Where is the big badass, 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin?" (I would guess either A: banging his new wife in the boiler room or B: Explaining to Vince that he isn't gonna put over ANY of these WCW losers once they own the company... ESPECIALLY Jarrett or C: Explaining to Vince that he isn't gonna put over ANY of these WCW losers... ESPECIALLY Jarrett once they own the company WHILE banging his new wife in HER "boiler room")
-TONTO says that all the fans are "idiots" because Austin will NOT be there tonight because he's busy trying to secure a little bail money to get out of jail. Last night, Austin tried to run him over... so he pressed charges!! (Now that's hardly fair!!! Nobody pressed charges on HIM!!! Amazingly, Ross did NOT even pick up on this bitter little irony.)
-Tonto sez that he screwed up and cost the Rock his title, and for that... he's deeply sorry. He promises the Rock that even though "we" lost the battle last night, he will stop at NOTHING to help the Rock regain the title and reign SUPREME. (ughdumbestsportalive)
-So, he asked the Rock to come out so they can plan their strategy (or, if you wish, strategies
their plan) in front of millions, (ahh... the locker room must be busy watching Disqo and Wright work the "Who let the Dogs out" schtick and muttering, "We have to work with THIS shit?")
-Rocky came out. He mounted all four corners. Man, what a SELL-OUT!!! AFA AND SIKA NEVER DID THAT!!!!
-Jim Ross on Tonto, "What is TRULY IN THAT MIND???" (umm... hardened cholesterol and lots of it?)
-They face off. Ross, "What must be going through the ROCK'S mind??" (umm... the endlessly looped phrase, "As soon as my movie hits I am going to bang Moesha so hard her tits will fall off!")
-Tonto apologizes for last night... from the bottom of his heart (aww)
-Rocky sez that he has known Tonto for many a years and have done many a things together (ah, no wonder Stephanie has that bowl-legged strut to her)... and from the bottom of HIS heart, to the top of HIS lungs... to the bottom of HIS (Tonto's) balls (eww) he wants NOTHING to do with Tonto OR his apologies.
-Tonto sez that he understands his bitterness, but in time, Rocky will come around and they will get through this together.
-Rocky responds, "What do you mean 'we'?" (white man)... Rocky will not need Tonto to win the WWF title.
-Tonto says that Rocky is really starting to hurt his feelings.
-Rocky says that he can wipe a monkey's ass with his feelings, after all the problems he's caused.
-Tonto threatened to spill the beans on a certain "secret" (ooo... OOO... let me guess... could it beeee.... how Rocky uses $100 bills as toilet paper while laughing at the marks who chant his name while buying his crappy shirts that fall apart within two weeks that are made by 4 year old children in the coal mines of Taiwan???? Yeah, like THAT'S groundbreaking news.)
-Rocky says Tonto that he can tell them whatever they want... he can tell them he is constipated, for all he cares...or he can tell them that last night he chowed down on one giant can of Stone Cold Ass Whuppin'... just so long as he climbs out of the ring and the Rock NEVER sees him again!
-Tonto grabs (well... brushes) Rocky's arm... the croowd "ooo's"
-Tonto says that no matter what, he'll STILL be there for him. (This guy's nicer to Rocky than most Fathers are to their sons. The closest I ever got to this was when Daddy told me to hold still while he tried to get my sphincter to puff on a cigarette. I can still hear him say, "If you can pull this off, I'll make a FORTUNE!")
-Rocky says that he finally gets where Tonto is coming from... so the Rock now has to do what the Rock has to do... whether Tonto likes it or NOT...
-and with that, the Rock Bottoms Rikishi and leaves the ring. I wonder how many morons are thinking, "well, that settles THAT issue!"
-tonight... well I'll be damned, they actually have some matches pre-planned! I wonder why Nitro doesn't try that?
-well come ONNN... have Schiavone and the boys EVER acted prepared for whatever walked out the backstage?
-speaking of backstage, Mick Foley tells Lita and Trish that they are going to have a Bra and Panties match for the chick strap. They sent Essa Rios on a Taco Bell run, so he won't be bitching about it.
-we see that there is a camera awaiting the arrival of the new WWF champion... or Austin... or Les Moonves, DEMANDING to know why RAW hasn't jumped in ratings and what's all this business about picking up ANOTHER non-Viacom affiliated wrestling company. (well, okay... I doubt Moonves is REALLY involved here... but it's the only name that popped into my head)
-moments ago, Rock + Rikishi = The type of soap opera drama usually reserved for Telemundo!
-Lita comes out. Lawler's eyes pop out of his head and his pecker pops out of his zipper.
-I'll say this, Lita sure seems to enjoy her fame... look at the spring in her step.
-Ross announces that the WWFE has jumped to the "New York Stock Exchange". I'm starting to wonder if maybe... juuust maybe, this company is just in it for the money?
-Trish walks out. Lawler basically says that the first girl to make him climax without using his hands will be the winner. (you know... the man is in his 50's)
-Lita goes on the ATTACK with a flurry of... of... why am I covering this?
-Trish gets Lita's shirt off.
-Lita does the same. TRISH WINS!!!!
-I know I'm risking my reputation as a bona-fide stud here but... Trish really should go at least one size smaller. Those things look like balloons about to explode.
-still, I wouldn't throw her out of bed for eating crackers... I'd make her lick the sheets clean...
-oh, who am I kidding... I'd eat her poop and drink her menses if it meant a little action... AND YOU WOULD TOO!!!!!
-Lawler tells Ross that the last time he saw breast was in a Kentucky Fried Chicken box. Ross laughed... bitterly.
-Lita with a make-shift Hurricarana... Trish seemed to have landed right on her head. She didn't seem to notice. Behold, the perfect woman.
-Lita got Trish's shorts off... Lita wins. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY close-up of Lawler acting like this is the first time he ever saw a half-nekked girl (AKA: the "Wrestleline Impression")
-Trish rolls out and grabs her overcoat. This segment comes to an en...
-no it doesn't... the RTC comes out. Stevie Richards declares that the WWF should be ashamed of what they just presented in this ring. And these women should be ashamed for this... and so should the FANS for cheering them on!!! (you DO realize that he DOES make a good point)
-Richards is amazed that the fans actually ENJOY what they are seeing? (I'm just counting the seconds before Ross starts blubbering about how this is America and he can download pictures of naked children fornicating with sweaty fat guys with braids, if he damn well WANTS too)
-Richards says that these women do NOT belong in the WWF (Lawler offers to take them home with him)... but there IS one woman who DOES belong... and that is...
-Ivory steps out... dressed like the horniest Nun you've ever met. (and they are ALL horny)
-Her hair is tightly pulled back and she's wearing a white blouse with black pants. It's not as if she was looking all that youthful to begin with.
-She grabs the mic and announces that she has seen the light... Stevie and the RTC has helped her realize that she is a woman and she enjoys being a woman (ahh, the dildo... attach a bottle opener to it and it would save COUNTLESS marriages).
-at one point, timed perfectly after she paused, one yokel screamed loud enough for the mic to catch, "TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT"... ruined the whole schtick... but also helped it. It was funny, too.
-BUT... she sez that women have been JADED here in the WWF by the constant demand for tight skirts and low cut blouses which keep the viewers attention. The truth is, REAL men can see REAL women... and want to know women for the TRUE beauty they possess inside... and not outside. (BULLCRAP!!! Hot babes are usually taken with themselves!!! Fat babes are usually so scarred by rejection that they hate men!!! ALL THEY DO IS JUDGE!!! ALL THEY DO IS COMPLAIN!!! ALL THEY DO IS SEE YOU FOR DROOLING HORNY SCUMBAGS!!!!! THERE IS NO FEMALE INNER BEAUTY!!!!! THEY ARE ALL UGLY UGLY UGLY!!!!!!! AND THEY ALL LIE!!!!)
-well... except for MY girl... she is a true, noble, kind, decent, warm hearted, caring, decisive, intelligent, wise, learned, skilled, glowing, angelic, understanding female who really shouldn't be reading this because she promised but it's okay if she is because she has every right to keep me in check. God Bless Melissa.
-*cough*... now where was I?
-Ivory said she was there to... to... ah, you can figure it out.
-Michael Cole tried to talk to Los Conquistodors... but was cut off by Edge and Christian who were there to congratulate the new champs and to wish them luck with their title defense tonight against E&C.; They told Cole to take a walk. Part of me expects "Uno" to rip off his mask, show us that it's Vince McMahon, and start screaming, "IT WAS ME AUSTIN!!! IT WAS ME... ALL ALOOOOOONG!!!"
-commercials. TNN has "pop"... as well as Bullriding shows. Does riding Madden's Mother count?
-see, she expects to see this in the NITRO column... this might catch her off guard!!
-HEY MARK!!! I TOOK YOUR MOMS LAST NIGHT AND GAVE HER THE... THE... eh, why push it?
-Birra Moretti fine Italian beer. Actually, it's just Colt 45 in a fancy bottle... "TRUE ROMANCE" NOT ONLY KICKED ASS, BUT IT SPOKE THE TRUTH!!!!!!
-A car pulled into the building... it was NOT Angle OR Austin... it was a Station Wagon. Word is, it's Rena Mero, looking to get her job back.
-Chris Benoit comes out... with a t-shirt that has a completely severed arm bone x-ray with the caption, "Victim of the Crossface" (either it's an arm bone... or Chyna's old jaw). On the back the words, "PROVE ME WRONG" with "BENOIT" underneath. (well... all I can say is FINALLY!!! A GODDAM SHIRT YOU CAN WEAR TO SCHOOL AND BE TOTALLY COOL!!! BY GOD, THAT SHIRT ROCKS!!!
-I'm serious... if you really and truly HAVE to buy a shirt... buy THAT one.
-and yes, I am angling to get a free one sent to me for this promotion. COME ON WWF, YOU HAVE BILLIONS!! THROW A BONE TO ONE OF THE MORE INFLUENTIAL INTERNET HEROES!!!!
-Benoit gets on the stic and sez that he's been in the company long enough to learn a few ways to achieve success. The first being, do NOT... under ANY circumstances... sleep with the Boss's WIFE!!
-Ooo, big sign that says "CHRIS"... held up by a Brother!! Whazzup, yo? I see you! Thanks for the props!
-Benoit continued... he noticed that talent, sheer will, determination, AND being the best damn technical wrestler in the industry today is not only pointless and useless, but they don't mean one DAMN thing (alas... welcome to Pat's world... drop dem britches and leave your dignity at home)
-Meanwhile, we see up in the rafters a HUGE corporate sign that plugs Dunkin' Donuts AND Skyy Vodka on one big board... because there is NOTHING like a little Vodka to go with your breakfast Jelly Roll. Jesus, what are these numbskulls THINKING?
-In the WWF, success is NOT gauged by your ability... as HHH proves. HHH won last night... but only technically. The only reason why the "Game" won last night was because he had help from his (BLEEP) of a WIFE!!! (How cool would it be if he actually dropped the "C-word"?)
-HHH didn't prove Benoit WRONG... HHH (BLEEP)ed him OFF (How cool would it be if he actually dropped the "C-word"?) so tonight, Benoit's fixin' to take it out on the Road Dog.
-He wants to let us in on a little secret... he's CANADIAN!!!! (umm... Chris?)
-No... the secret is that starting tonight... things are going to CHANGE... because it officially becomes "MY TIME... MY TIME... MY TIME... PROVE ME WROOOONG" (funny, that's what WCW says after every huge comeback attempt)
-Road Dog came out, said little, ran out... fought with Benoit. Malenko came out... distracted him... Benoit hit the Crossface... Benoit won... Malenko raised his hands... the Shooters were reunited.
-None of that matters... what does matter is that we just witnessed the BEST DAMN BENOIT PROMO EVER IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISED WRESTLING!!! MY GOD!!! HE FINALLY KICKED SOME VOCAL ASS!!!!!
-and the bonus rub was watching those veins pop out of his head and neck.
-Guess what, Mark Boys... Benoit is FINALLY on his way
-Oh, and Lillian Garcia announced that Chris JERICHO won this match. There was a NOTICEABLE silence that followed. I will bet ANYTHING that both Ross and Lawler turned their heads in unison and just stared at the poor broad. I mean, the error was so obvious, Lawler even had to comment on it.
-Lillian's off to Nitro once the sale has been finalized... no doubt.
-Cole talks to Tonto. Tonto says that he's not going anywhere all night. The same can't be said for us, as we dive into some...
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-HHH tells Coach that he BEAT Benoit last night... he'll BEAT Benoit any other day, and it still contiues to be "his" time so long as he has even a smidgen of stroke left... as well as that screechfest he calls a theme song.
-Then HHH says that Angle is due for an ass whuppin' for getting his Wife into danger last night... and the Rock is due for an ass whuppin' because nobody's offering HHH 5 mill to run around in a loin cloth (other than Wicked Pictures, but we ain't going there).
-The Announcers take us back to "No Mercy" where we see highlights off how Austin didn't put a single move over and barely took and shots at all. (Oh, I am just PRAYING they are easing him back into the swing of things to test his neck)
-Backstage, Crash Holly assumes duties as the only Acolyte in the house... T & A chase him away. Test says something about how Crash was rumored to enjoy putting "dirty things in his mouth"... T & A decide to redo the Acolyte office. Over the top characters... goofy gimmicks... WE ARE TREADING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO "80'S BOOKMAKING", PEOPLE!!!! WHAT'S NEXT? FEUDS STARTED FROM SILLY MISUNDERSTANDINGS?
-Backstage, Jericho was so excited about his 80's cover band having a CD out that he spills coffee on Kane. Even though he apologized, Kane flipped out over this silly misunderstanding
-Meanwhile... I come to grips with the fact that even Helen Keller could see the set-up and and execution of this joke coming from a mile away... (*double sigh*)
-Plus... it wasn't funny to begin with. (*triple sigh*)
-Last night, X-Pac and Jericho stepped into the cage for the LAST BATTLE OF ALBANY!!! (naaah, doesn't have the same ring to it)
-Yes, we are in Hartford... which, coincidentally, is the name of the Used Car dealership Bret plans on opening... Hart Ford
-MiLord WILLIAM REGAL (aka... da' MAN!!!) is in the ring. His beef is that he is the Goodwill Ambassador from the UK, yet he is standing right in the middle of the Capital of Conneticut... which is the NUMBER ONE maker of handguns... that kill more people than any other State in the Union. (what is more sadder? The fact that he's right? Or the fact that the people in the building actually CHEERED??? Oh, jeeze... that came out a little wrong... let me just say that I am COMPLETELY supportive of our "GOD GIVEN RIGHT to bear arms!!! AB-SO-F-ING-LUTELY!!!)
-but by all means... Guns don't kill people... the human brain ordering the index finger to contract while it's wrapped around a trigger does.
-Regal calls the fans uncivilized. For some reason, are friends on the other side of the pond have always had a bug up their arses about us Americans... maybe it's because we BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEM AND KICKED THEM OUTTA THIS COUNTRY???????? GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! WE SHOWED THEM BRITISH FAGS WHO OWNED THE NEW WORLD!!!
-showed them Native Americans too... how dare they go up and assume that the land was theirs only because they've lived here for 400 years before we even knew it existed... HAW... explain the logic in THAT?
-AND YOU CANADIANS KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT BEFORE WE DECIDE TO TAKE YOUR LAND AND SHUFFLE YOU OFF TO SOME PATCH OF DESERT!!! WE'LL DO IT TOO!!!!
-VOTE BUCHANON!!! HE KNOWS WHAT'S BEST!!!
-meanwhile, Jericho came out. He had a mic, but decided that Regal wasn't worth any mic time. He just charged.
-This match lasted roughly as long as it took you folks to decide whether I stepped over the line with the above diatribe about Brits, Injuns, and Moose Blowing Canucks. Then Kane stormed out and chokeslammed Jericho. I think I heard Kane scream, "SANKA??? YOU SPLASHED ME WITH SANKA??????"
-Dear God... let's just take a moment and reflect... this angle was started over an accidental coffee spill. We have come a long, long way from the time they spent 6 months engineering the "Rocky: Corporate Champion" storyline.
-Backstage, T & A were busy arguing over what their Protection agency should be named. I believe the whole segment was there just for more shots of Trish's cleavage. Lordy, they sure do spill out, don't they?
-Stephanie and Kurt Angle FINALLY arrived!! And were greeted by some photographers. No one from WOW though? Hmmm... interesting.
-Dear Faggot Hyatte, if you stopped pulling your wad over all those half naked men long enough, you'd see Bill Apter clearly was at ringside throughout the entire show. You suck, CRZ rules, and Scaia was right about you all along! Take one of those guns that you love so much and shoot yourself in the balls. Then wait a full hour to fully enjkoy the sheer agony and finsish the job by shooting yourself between the eyes. You are worthless, stupid, retarded, and a loser! Go die now!
-WHAT DID SCAIA SAY ABOUT ME??? I'LL TEAR HIM FIVE NEW BUTTHOLES SO HIS ENTIRE LOSER FAMILY CAN DO HIM ALL AT ONCE!!!! (figuratively speaking... of course. I do NOT wish nor do I condone ANY sort of bodily harm on anyone... we live in very lawsuit happy times, people... the days when I can issue Bounties on WCW Staff Members and Fat ECW Recappers are LOOONG gone)
-Kurt Angle and Stephanie come out... well, Stephanie comes out to introduce him first. If I could've beamed my thoughts directly into your minds, I would have advised that you hit the mute button... but I am NOT a telepath (although I CAN read your minds right now, "God, this guy blows" is coming in loud and clear).
-Angle comes out and they both walk to the ring, among a hail of balloons and confetti. (it could be a trick!! MAYBE THE NWO IS TAKING OVER????)
-oh I just don't care anymore.
-Hey look, it's the Second Hour... and it's WALKING!!! (that was for that weak "I'm quitting" bit... he's supposed to be the CEREBRAL recapper, here)
-Kurt gets on the stick and boasts about setting goals and accomplishing one's dreams... such as getting out of this nothing happening city like his Business manager, Stephanie did (oh yeah, and she mentioned that she was born in Hartford during her introduction).
-Kurt said that he accomplished more in one year than most people do in their whole lives! (yeah, but he can still retain a sizable chunk of his Internet audience after leaving TWO sites within 8 months?? One of them without ANY warning or comment??? CAN HE??? NO HE CANNOT!!!! BOOYAAAAAA)
-I am not proud of being so proud of this fact, by the way
-Kurt says that most people would think that winning Olympic Gold was enough... he didn't...
-which led him to show us videotape of winning the Euro title AND the IC title... and being the only guy to hold them consecutively... snickering that D-Lo doesn't count (why? because he's BLACK????)
-Didn't HBK own both titles at once? No, he didn't?
-D-Lo held both belts at once? WHEN??? (hey boyo, if you were about to hit the e-mail button and shoot off the answer... for Chrissakes, GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND EXPERIENCE A LITTLE THING KNOWN AS FRESH AIR FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!)
-We also were reminded that he won the KOTR title. Bragging that afterwards, sales of "Crowns and Scepters" grew 49%. (bought mostly by lonely young High schoolers with big guts and huge eyeglasses... guess which unexpecting female orifice from their English class THEY imagined sticking those scepters in? Man, I'm just smashing you over the head with the jokes this week, ain't I?)
-Angle topped it off by showing his tearful celebration after winning the belt last night... then said he had a poem to read in honor of his win. He got a few lines in when all of the sudden...
-Mick Foley came out. Mick said that the reason there weren't 5 or 6 guys out there right now to do some nasty business with all these balloons was because he is well aware of how gosh darned cool it was to walk out on RAW for the first time as WWF champion.
-He said that he was in awe of Angle for what he accomplished in one year and he asked politely for the crowd to "give it up" for the new WWF champ!
-Mick said that he felt something was missing from Kurt's post win celebration... and credited Jerry Lawler for bringing it up (Lawler had no clue what he said... but reflexively spouted, "SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS 18!!!" That earned an "Eaaaasy, King" out of JR.)
-Mick said that Angle never got a "congratulatory" hug last night... andf since Stephanie is his BUSINESS partner... not to mention was knocked "goofy" by the Rock last night. WHAT??? SHE BANGED GOOFY??? DID PLUTO GET TO WATCH??? (lame... LAME... I apologize) Mick offered his services as designated hugger. Mentioning that his rep in the back was based on being a pretty damn good hugger... (yeah yeah yeah... I know what you expect... but must I ALWAYS go for the obvious?)
-They hugged. Foley played it up. Ross laughed. Ryder blows. One of these sentences do NOT belong in this sequence.
-actually... they ALL do... and one of those sentences works in almost in EVERY sequence
-Mick feigned tears and announced that not only is this Angle's first day as champ, but it's also his first day as a title defender... taking on HHH and the Rock in a Triple Threat Match! (not exactly small potaters there)
-Mick left... the kids freaked... Ross bellowed.
-In case you were wondering... things now get sped up because A: I'm tired and B: I want to get this posted before the majority of you notice that there are two Nitro recaps posted.
-Chyna walks into Eddie's dressing room to find the two Hoes hanging out. (ooph... one of them be bone ugly). Chyna smiles at them and says that she doesn't have a problem with Eddie macking on them. In fact, they SAVED her from what could be a volatile and publicly humilating marriage to the Latino heartthrob. (ugh... ooph... AND N-word PLEASE)
-STILL... she DID lose some face (other than the generous chunk left on the operating room floor)... soooo
-she closed the door...
-I'm sure somewhere in the script appeared the words, "the viewer hears unimaginable violence"
-the door opens and Chyna leaves. The room is in shambles and the Hoes have been battered about. One of them is lying on a broken table with her head hanging backwards off the rim. I've had third dates that went less smoother... oh but I scored... oh yes... I got them legs opened. Car jacks are NOT just for changing tires, people... oh no.
-Tazz and Raven defeated Too Cool. The Worm was stopped twice. Relax Marks... it's just a matter of time before whatever they have planned for Raven comes into play.
-Edge and Christian were backstage. Edge says that the best thing about his boots is that his name is on them. (Funny). Christian is busy trying to pick out the perfect pair of sunglasses to wear tonight.
-Pete Gass comes in and tells them that Mick Foley wants to see them PRONTO. Edge goes alone. Christian shoos Gass away with his "busy hands" that can't seem to keep away from his box of shades. Christian calls Gass a "barfoid". God bless these two kids.
-Meet the Cybiko hand held computer system. With a full keypad. Yeah right... that won't be a hassle for me. Why do you think these things take me 18 hours? Even on a NORMAL Keyboard, I keep banging like three keys at the same ti9ome.
-The Mop-Up: 30 minutes of thought... 17 and a half hours of corrections.
-Edge returns to see that Christian was ambushed by the Dudleys and put through a table. Christian suggests that they postpone the title match. Edge wants to do it himself... dramatically, Christian says, "Just go, man... go". We haven't SEEN such inspired acting since Bret Hart painfully told Hulk Hogan to get in there and get that title OUT of Yokozuna's evil hands... ruined only by Vince's WAY OVERBOARD HYPERBOLE...
- "BRET HART, TELLING THE HULKSTER TO ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE!!!!! WHAT HEART FROM THE HITMAN!!! WHAT COURAGE!!! YES HULK... YESSSSS GO!!! GO HULK, GO!!"
-meanwhile, the world saw this and collectively groaned, "Oh F-me... ANOTHER Hulk title reign?"
-Mr. Ass walked out with Chyna. Nothing ruins a woman's look more than showing off her full forehead. (This applies to ALL YOU BI...women. Nobody cares for the wide forehead look. If we start openly wondering if we can run the wide screen version of "Titanic" on your forehead, it's time to visit the salon)
-Val Venis walks out with Stevie Richards.
-Eddie Guerrero comes out and watches from the entranceway.
-Well... straight match... until Stevie jumped in. But Gunn took them both out and hit the "Fameasser" on Val for the trey. Eddie did nothing but watch. Chyna did nothing either.
-Backstage, HHH tells Stephanie that she WILL have to make a choice, one day... but for now he's content just to keep griping about how she should stay in the dressing room during his matches.
-commercials. It's the WWF cookbook! I wonder how many of these bodybuilders included recipes for skinless chicken and pasta dishes? (dude, that's like... ALL they eat!)
-Lawler at the XFL Cheerleading tryouts... I cannot believe that he looks in the mirror, sees that every hair on top of his head is sticking straight out... and says, "Hey there good looking!"
-Funny moment is seeing Jerry ask a girl if she ever saw "Man on the Moon" and get a blank stare for a reply.
-Funny line you DIDN'T see (you think I don't have my connections?)... one girls asking, "Weren't you on Letterman 100 years ago?" and Lawler respond, "No!! How could I? I was only 3 at the time!!" (OH COME ON, KING!!!)
-Edge came out. We are reminded as to why he fights alone tonight.
-He gets on the mic and informs the blind viewers as to why he fights alone tonight.
-Los Conqosores come out. Edge already sees something unusual here.
-Edge starts off with one of them. (There's one for the Duh file) and bounces him around with confidence.
-Ross snarls, "SET-UP!!!"
-The Conq rolls up Edge cradle-style... Edge jacks out and is surprised. He asks what the guy thinks he's doing. Ross yelps, "HEY WAIT A MINUTE, THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!" Lawler snips, "Jesus Jim, why don't you just scream 'SPINEROONI' like a certain fat virgin out there?"
-The Conqs double team Edge... throw in that Footstool Leg Smash thing... hits Edge with the Downward Spiral Thingamagig... and PIN him.
-Well, The Black Scorpion, this AIN'T!
-The ONLY thing that I can recall that was even LESS subtle was when Hogan ran a tour as one of the "Machines"... and JUST in case we didn't recognize the tanned bod, freaky muscles, and body language... he's lift his mask and throw us all a wink. Oh, and his name was "Hulk Machine"... but JUST IN CASE WE DIDN'T GET THE JOKE!!
-At the top of the ramp, we see that yeah, it was the Hardys.
-Mick Foley came out and showed us...
-footage of the time where E & C threw Michael Cole out of the Interview... the camera was left on just so E & C can make it loud and clear that it was all a set up and the Conqs were actors and this was all an elaborate set-up and it appears that I am not the only person beating the audience over the head with the obvious this week.
-Mick also talked about the "Space/Time Continuum"... but it fell flat.
-In the end, Mick decided that turnabout is fair play, Gooses and Ganders have similar physiologies... and the Hardyz can keep the belts. Why not? They're good kids. They're the modern day "Rock and Roll Express" only with more than just a double dropkick and neither will be singing ANY songs called, "The Boogie Woogie Dance Hall". (I just sent a CHILL down yer spines... didn't I? And that chill be DOUCHEY!!)
-Backstage, Tonto AGAIN tells Michael Cole to get out of his face... and while he's busy doing just that, go tell the Rock that he's still in the building and he's still going to cost him every single match until they finally lock it up.
-Oh My ALLAH... WHERE DID THEY DIG UP TIGER ALI SINGH AND WHY IS HE INVOLVED WITH LO-DOWN???
-Send all three guys to Nitro... ASAP. Make all three guys sweat by issuing the directive, "Get ratings for this show, or be BLACKBALLED!!!!"
-HHH comes out.
-The Rock comes out. Bravo to the WWF for letting the CHAMP come out last, instead of the baby face.
-They play Angle's music. No deal.
-They played it again. Where is he?
-Ah... they were backstage. Stephanie was all about "making them wait... making them WANT it". Kurt was cool with that. Hey, and while they were busy waiting... how'z about one last set of...
-commercials. Don't you LOVE how these things work out so nicely?
-Kurt comes out. HHH and the Rock were nose to nose (and Rocky wasn't even IN the ring at the time!! HAW HAW HAWWW I KILL ME!!!)
-Kurt entered and was ignored. This offended him a bit.
-Now... you KNEW it was coming... just KNEW it... but...
-When Rocky and HHH both thumped Angle at the same time... it STILL worked. You STILL laughed. Well, I did, at least.
-Angle was tuned up AND double teamed. (yes, there is a difference)
-Kurt throws Rocky into HHH who takes a powder outside. Kurt works on the Rock.
-Samoan Drop on Angle
-HHH dumped Rocky out of the ring ass backwards and goes after Angle himself
-Funny, FUNNY bit... Rock and HHH take turns bouncing Angle off the announce table in a game of one-upsmanship.
-Rocky is beating on Kurt at the Time table... Stephanie wanders over. Rock threatens violence (booya)... HHH steps in and attacks. Angle recuperates and swings the bell he dings HHH's head. HHH is out.
-Kurt and Rock (sounds like a Morning Radio Show in Fresno) go at it in the ring. Steph and the Ref (why am I rhyming all of the sudden?) check on Hunter. Rocky had a solid pin, but the Ref was busy. Rocky went over to him called him a "Candy Ass" (even with the mic OFF, Rock? Come onnn) and I THINK a "piece of shit".
-The Refs come with a stretcher. In case you were nervous... they lifted HHH straight up by the arms and dumped him on the gurney. Either it was a work, or one of the techs has x-ray vision and saw that Hunter's neck was a-okay.
-Kurt was in control. Ross begs us to hear the sickening THUD of the bell hitting the head on the replay. All we heard was the sickening THUD of the bell hitting the floor. Ross knew this too. I'm sure he cursed to himself
-Kurt with the Olympic Slam. Rocky kicked out because the ref took his time getting there.
-Meawhile, HHH FOUGHT BACK FROM THE BRINK OF DEATH and hopped off the gurney and returned to action. Kurt ate a Pedrigree. Rock broke the pin.
-Rock hit the Rock bottom... same deal
-Kurt took a rest so HHH and Rocky could go.
-Kurt hit everyone with the belt.
-Here comes RIKISHI!!!!
-Rikishi SAVED THE DAY!!! And caused the DQ... and helped Angle retain. And blew a fart towards Lillian's way. (look closely and you'll see her hair blow back and her face contort)
-Anglpe walked away. Ross declared this the "saddest day in the history of wre..."
-The glass breaks... Austin runs out. Ross declared this to be the BEST RAW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Austin charged out. Angle held out his arms as if to say, "What are you doing here?"
-Austin did not slow down a bit as he clotheslined Angle on his way. Which gave me a hearty laugh.
-well, it WAS funny, dammit
-He starts fighting Rikishi. He starts stomping away.
-Angle ran in and attacked. He ended up with the Stunner.
-The Heels left. The music played. The show ends.
-In CASE you didn't noticed... the show almost INSTANTLY went from belonging to Rocky to belonging to Austin. Just like that, in a friggin' SPLIT SECOND, it became Austin's show again. Don't doubt for a second that Rocky isn't all too aware of this.
These are interesting times indeed, my friends... very interesting.
Go read Nitro. I managed a few decent rips.
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