Mop-Up Nitro 10.06.00
I just had a thought... (yeah, it happens)
What if Bush wins... and up on the podium for his victory speech, right in the middle of his speech... he reaches toward his neck... yanks off his mask...
AND IT'S DICK NIXON!!! TWO VEE SIGNS IN THE AIR!!! "IT'S ME!!! I'M BACK!!!!"
Dear God. That would be cool.
NITRO: (or: Worst show EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-WCW Logo. Vote for Bush! And yes, you did!
-footage from last week... can we call this the "Flair Era"?
-Earlier today, we see Steiner's cooze approach Sting, who had just showed up. As she talked to him, Steiner showed up and jumped him from behind. Sting fought back, but it was broken up by Dillenger and the WCW Stormtroopers (Three out of every 6 is named "Billy Ray"). Tony screamed, "THE NUT IS LOOSE!!!!!! (Relax Tony, it just means that it finally dropped. 30 years late, but perfectly natural.)
-Meanwhile, Sting was wearing an all red jumpsuit. In case Donkey Kong shows up, no doubt.
-Backstage, Kevin Nash is watching this with the Natural Born Thrillers. He mumbles something about "Borden", "segment", "Jarrett", "tag match", and "Steiner". Mike Sanders...
-... Jesus... Bush won in Florida by 1/50th of 1% of the total vote... I might have to rethink this whole "refuse to vote" philosophy...
-... asked, "What did you just say?" Nash thought it over, and said, "What the Hell DID I just say?" Sanders says that whoever is in this tag team match will end up being "S.O.L"... Nash jerked his head comically to his left as Sanders ominously finished... "and you know what that means"... the NTB's laugh as Nash riffs on Burgess Meredith a bit by cackling "NAAAA NAAA NAAAAAAAA..." (now THAT is what's called "having fun!")
-Fireworks fail to impress the crowd as Tony advices us to "make NO mistake about it... THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT MICHAEL JORDAN BUILT!!!! BUT TONIGHT, THE UNITED CENTER IN CHICAGO, ILLINOIS IS HOME TO MONDAY NIGHT TROOOOO!!!"
-CHICAGO???? oy vey... not THIS F-ing town again. Home of Oprah, Jerry Springer, Dead Fat Comics, and Pizza that you need a Goddam spoon to eat. Okay, just so long as nobody mentions Mancow, I'll cut them some slack. I mean, the Bulls suck, the Bears are worse, then there are the Cubs... Pudge abandoned the White Sox for a Hall of Fame spot in a Red Sox uniform. Okay... I'll take it easy. So long as nobody mentions Mancow.
-... and the countdown begins
-Holy CRAP!! 1200 votes seperate Gore and Bush in Wisconsin... 1200
-HOLY SHIT!!! SOMEONE IN FLORIDA IS ANNOUNCING THAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BUSH AND GORE IN FLORIDA IS ONLY 629 VOTES!!!!!! GORE MIGHT JUST WIN THIS THING!!!!!!
-Tony introduces himself, Scott Hudson, and the most obese pug on TV today. Time is not wasted as...
-Lex Luger walks out. Hudson calls him "narcissistic". (there's a lawsuit)
-Video clips that make up his introduction shows shots of Lex beating on Hogan. Then there is the fact that Lex has gone bleached blonde and is wearing yellow. Is "Lex-A-Mania" going to start running wild? HOW LONG BEFORE HOGAN ENDS THIS WORKED NONSENSE AND KICK SOME ASS?????
-You know what the weirdest thing about Election coverage that continues deep into the wee hours? They run like... NO commercials after around 2:00 am. I've been watching Dan Rather literally throw his hands in the air and announce that he hasn't the slightest F-ing clue who's gonna win this thing for 45 minutes straight.
-3:45 am... Gore officially calls GWB and says that he's taking it back and ain't conceeding diddly shit yet
-3:57 am... Florida is officially moved back to the "Undecided" category. Gore now leads Bush in the electoral vote
-Lex doesn't enter the ring. Instead, he marched to the Announcers. He had a mic.
-He faced Mark Madden and asked him to stand up for a moment. Mark had that little open mouth SMIRK of his.
-Madden stood u... oh my F-ing mighty... he gets fatter every week. That shirt can cover a family of six.
-Madden approaches Luger. Luger says that last week, Madden all of the sudden became an expert on the physical conditioning of athletes... particularly, the physical conditioning of the greatest physically conditioned specimen in all of professional wrestling (well, that rules out Patterson)... namely HIM.
-Madden quickly said that he complimented Luger. Luger stuck the hand in his face, then pulled it back before Mark could take a bite. He also told him to "keep his big, fat mouth shut!"
- Luger told the people that Madden was an "endomorph"... which is a "gigantic glob of cellulite, fat, poor conditioning, slovenly eating habits, and a piece of garbage!" (It should be noted that at this point, Madden crossed his arms over his belly... no doubt as a way to HIDE his tremendous bulk! Wow... he's really SKINNY!! What's Luger talking about?)
-I hear someone is trying to get the word "Endomorph" officially changed to "Wrestlelinemorph"... time will tell.
-Luger then called himself the perfect "Mesomorphic Magnificence"... and put his body over. He warned Madden (who was near TEARS) to keep his mouth SHUT next time, or else! Madden quickly said okay, and sat down. Tony said that this was too harsh... even for Mark. (well, thank God Luger didn't mention Mark's MOTHER!!!!!)
-Madden tried to shrug it off, but there is no way in HELL he wasn't affected by this public humiliation.
-Madden weakly said, "Well, so much for the Heels working together?" (Most times, they do... but YOU ARE NOT A HEEL YOU F-ING FAT FAGGOT!!!!! YOU ARE AN ANNOUNCER!!! YOU ARE NOT A HEEL!!!)
-Hudson, "You're gonna have to re-write your scripted adlibs!!"... which I SWEAR ON MY DEAD MOTHER'S GRAVE, MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD FOR A GOOD 90 SECONDS!!! OH MY GOD, I WAS CRACKING UP!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA SCRIPTED ADLIBS.... HAWHAWHAWHAW
-Back in the ring, Luger said that ALL WCW shows should start by welcoming back Lex Luger. (That means he wants to get fired at the end of every show? Just so they can re-hire him before every next show?)
-The crowd boos. Madden says they are backing HIM up... (oh... that... piece of... his mother will....)
-Luger says that WCW was BUILT by guys like Flair, Sting, Nash, Hall, Hogan, Hart, Savage, the Steiners, the Road Warriors. He forgot to add that many of those names helped take DOWN WCW too... must have slipped his mind
-Thank GOD he never mentioned Bischoff
-He said Goldberg's streak was "bogus" to begin with... and he officially challenged Goldberg to a match at Mayhem.
-He said that Goldberg was working on a book for the last 18 months. Of course, logically, Lex's first assumption was that Goldberg was READING it. He was shocked to learn that he was actually WRITING one. So, he had a sample chapter of the book in the lastest edition of WCW magazine (wow... they still make that?). He admitted that what he read was pretty damn good.
-With that, Lex asked Ross Forman, chief muckety muck of WCW magazine to step into the ring. Tony announced that Ross was "Chicago's Own". (Oh well, I take it all back... Chicago has a LOT to be proud of.)
-Luger said that it's guys like Forman that make WCW and WCW Magazine what it is today. (AND THEY HAVEN'T FIRED HIM YET??????)
-Jesus... that joke just wrote itself, didn't it?
-Luger asked Forman what he found more "enlightening" in this magazine? The chapter from GB's book, or the in depth interview with Lex Luger?
-Jesus... is EVERY non-personality in WCW bald?
-Forman stuttered a bit, then said that there is NO interview with Luger in that magazine.
-Luger said that this was why this was all "crap"... and that it was all a conspiracy against him. He said that WCW is all about phony imposters who pretend that they are wrestlers... as well as a bunch of women who will take their clothes off "for a bunch of protein bars" (heh... HAW... )... instead of true Superstars like the Total Package, Lex Luger!
-Finally, he had a message for Ross Forman to take back to guys like Bill Goldberg... and with that, he put Forman in the Torture Rack. The Announcers screamed for the safety of Forman's children! (huh?) Oh, the horror... oh the agony.
-It took a while, and a few Referees, but Luger eventually let go of the goober. He picked the mic up again and said that Goldberg was NEXT!! Tony, pretending that he is just as close with Goldberg as JR is with Austin, "Yeah? Well you BETTER BELIEVE GOLDBERG WILL BE READY!!!!!!!"
-Meanwhile, Goldberg had JUST arrived. How strange that he'd show up JUST AFTER THIS SEGMENT!!!! Strange indeed... most peculiar Momma, WHOA!
-commercials. How's this... not only do I REFUSE to get the Mayhem PPV, but I ALSO refuse to EVEN TRY TO IMAGINE WHAT I WILL BE MISSING!!!! AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I HAVE ONE HELL OF AN IMAGINATION!!!! UNTIL WCW GETS THERE THUMBS OUT OF THEIR ASSES AND PRODUCE A NEW VOICEOVER FOR THEIR PPV'S... I AIN'T IMAGINING JACK SHIT!!!!!
-and DON'T THINK I MISSED THOSE TWO "MANCOW" SIGNS SEEN NEXT TO THE ANNOUNCERS!!!! A second rate DJ from a second rate city getting plugged on a second rate show.
-during the break, Ross Forman was stretchered away. Hopefully, the Ambulance got a deal on four Goodyear tires and they all blow out on route to the Hospital.
-Paula Pollshock talked to Kevin Nash about Shawn Stasiak. Nash was looking over Goldberg's new book and asked... now I re-wound this 5 times, but he sometimes gets so MUMBLY... "Why is Goldberg standing in just a cup?" Then muttered, "Interesting". Meanwhile, Pollshock smiled brightly... God DAMMIT... look at her... she wants to F**K the SHIT out of Big Sexy! Or maybe she already HAS??? F-Ing ASSHOLE!!!
-That's it... I'M DYING MY HAIR BLONDE!!!!
-and I'M INVESTING IN ELEVATOR SHOES!!!
-anyway... the BASTARD said that the NTB was actually a STRONGER group without Stasiak...
-then someone off-camera dropped something. Nash stopped himself... looked over and said, "PICK THAT UP!" Then paused a beat as whoever dropped the thing did so. Then he continued about how he might as well get a title match against Booker T tonight.
-JESUS... NASH FOR PRESIDENT!!!!! He is the COOLEST!!! F-it if he can't book, he is a NATURAL!!!!
-Stasiak showed up and said that he wants back IN. Nash told him to take a walk. Stasiak said that he will prove his worth tonight, then took off. Nash held up Goldberg's book in a goofy little bit of promotion. Is he drunk? Or is he just officially there only to have a good time?
-Lance Storm, Flex Elixer and Hacksaw Jim Duggan (HOOOOOOOOOO) come out. Meanwhile, I'm SURE F-ng nash grabbed Pollshock and took her into the men's room for a little "Head-In-The-Toilet-While-I-Sodomize-That-Booty" Session... (Ahh, I miss my Gramma)
-Storm gets in the ring and asks if he could be serious for a moment. Then he advised all American Voters not to waste their time... instead, just immigrate to Calgary, Alberta. Tony barked, "SHUT UP!!"
-Instead of the Canadian National Anthem... we got Kwee Wee. KWEE WEE??? F-THIS I'M GONE!!
-WAIT...Hudson asked if he was wearing a tiara?
-Tony believed that it was a tiara.
-Hudson said it WAS then said "Good Night"! More appropo words were never spoken
-Storm won. I refuse to say how because I pressed a button on my remote (which I now call "The Kwee Wee Button") and made the picture on the screen go really, really fast... so I missed it.
-After the match, Meng ran out, back in his MASSIVE afro look (for Chrissakes) and chased Storm away. I thought Meng was fired?
-Mean Gene Okerlund was getting an earful of Goldberg trash talking both Bam Bam Bigelkow AND Lex Luger until both men showed up and attacked him.
-Of course, GB popped back up and started to growl
-The Announcers had some facetime.
-Tony, "Lot of mouth running going on, and some people have been running their mouth on a show called 'Battledome'"... (way to master the English language, Tony baby!)
-we see that various members of WCW "invaded" the "Battledome" set to start trouble. What Genius dreamed up THIS crossover? Does Battledome even HAVE an audience TO cross over?
-Stasiak showed up. Madden said that the Battledome kids were just ACTORS and NOT real athletes. (A charge that no one in their right MIND would accuse WCW stars of... the "actor" part, of course). He said that by the time this is all over with, the Battledome guys will wish they had challenged the cast of the "Rosie O'Donnell Show"... (oh... you mean Rosie and her gay band leader?)
-Stasiak waited for the Hardcore champ, Reno, to come out. They played his music...
-so they stopped it, then re-started it.
-no dice. Hudson said, "Another production glitch".
-Suddenly, we see that Reno has been laid out backstage under a busted table... his head was wrapped around a table metal strap in a way that could ONLY have been done manually. "This'll make it look REEEEAL nasty!!"
-Stasiak was given the win by forfeit... but not the belt.
-The NTB's investigate the crime. nash says that whoever did this will be "S.O.L" (umm... "Sent On-Line"? For what? WHAT DEVIOUS PLANS DOES WCW HAVE TO SCREW WITH THE INTERNET'S HEAD THIS TIME???)
-It should be noted that no one in the NTB OR Nash seemed to be taking Reno's injury seriously.
-come to think of it, Nash hasn't taken much of ANYTHING seriously since McMahon told him that he didn't have to "smile" anymore if he didn't want to.
-Ric Flair comes to the ring. Madden says that Flair is a guy who cheated his whole career, but now is going to tell everyone to follow the rules. Then he introduced him as "Bill Clinton". (Hmm, another SCRIPTED Adlib!)
-Flair entered the ring and asked if this was the home of the Blackhawks and the Bulls.. then said that he wished this was HIS home because Ric Flair LOVES Chicago!!! (You know... Mick Foley now GOOFS on this kind of cheap heat!)
-Mid-way through a speech about how much he loves it here in WCW, he stopped to address a sign by saying, "BOB PROBERT'S SCARED TO DEATH OF ME, PAL!!! WHOOO" (I kind of liked that one... heh!)
-He admitted to LIKE being the CEO... because now HE gets some input on the book! (Oh and didn't that work just so WONDERFULLY the last time?)
-He ordered the Announcers to get to work on selling that announcement (OH GOD NO!!!! DOESN'T HE REALIZE JUST HOW LITERALLY THEY TAKE THAT? WE'LL BE HEARING THEM HYPE IT FOR THE NEXT 6 MONTHS NONSTOP!!!)
-Flair said that he and Atlanta (must be a Hooker he met in Charlotte) got their heads together and made some things official...
-First, that PPV in November will be the GREATEST WCW PPV WE'VE SEEN IN MANY, MANY MONTHS!!!! (yeah, right... we "cannot imagine"... blah blah blah)
-We'll see "(BLEEEPtion against Lance Storm for the LAST TIME for the US title.
-We'll see Lex Luger against Bill Goldberg. Flair announced that he'll actually be there to see it. (Wow... that's dedication!)
-He said that the "WCW version of world heavyweight championship is the "most prestegious trophy in our sport" (BULLSHIT!!!! NOT AFTER ARQUETTE!!! YOU CAN HYPE IT UP ALL YOU WANT... BUT ARQUETTE DESTROYED ANY CREDIBILITY IT MAY HAVE HAD!!!)
-He said the match will be between Booker T and Scott Steiner and that it will be in a cage.
-BUT... with this opportunity comes a warning to Scott Steiner. Even though Flair respects Steiner for his Amateur career and his body, he will NOT tolerate Steiner's conduct any more. And from now on, Steiner will conduct himself as a member of WCW. There will no lonbger be any gtrabbing people (other than female employees), yelling, or hitting people with lead pipes! (Madden, "As opposed to like a Horseman?")
-Steiner came out with his tramp. He hit the ring and said that he was just in the back, minding his own business when Flair opened his mouth. He asked Flair to let him tell him something, then called Flair an "Old Bastard".
-Steiner then grabbed Flair and shoved him into the corner. He shouted that he never liked Flair and that NOBODY tells him what to do... no matter if Flair is the CEO or even the Janitor. He's still a "son of a BITCH!"
-Booker ran out before Flair got trashed. He tuned Steiner out a little until Steiner rolled out of the ring and PATIENTLY WAITED until Douchebag Dillenger got his fat ass out there with the Security Minions to hold him back.
-Steiner was dragged away. Flair got back on the mic and said that WCW will be run as a PROFESSIONAL company (heh... they'll try anything once) and that there will be a whole host of changes after Mayhem. But for NOW, he's going to throw a Straightjacket on a rope in the cage and the one who gets it on his opponent will be alolowed to beat the Hell out of him afterwards.
-Flair also said that if Steiner touches ANY none wrestling employee anymore, he's gonna be FIRED.
-The segment ended.
Click Here For Part 2!!!
Mop-Up Nitro 10.06.00
-We see that what was to follow was paid for by Jimmy Hart
-Jimmy Hart popped on screen and said that he has already received a ton of Faxes for radio guys who accepted his challenge to fight him. John Boy and Billy, Rick Dees, Howard Stern (OH N-WORD PLEASE!!! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF LYING HOGAN DUNG!!!) Casey Kasem (oh this is ponderous, man... f-ing ponderous)... he adviced these guys to ask Jimmy Baron about hart's ring skills... or Bubba the Love Sponge (what? who the F**K would give themselves these names?)
-Or... why don't they just ask "Mr. Number 1 in Chicago... Mancow" (...these... these... this.. semen assed... rrrrrr)
-Mancow showed up. Hart kissed his ass. Mancow said that he was interviewing Goldberg, like he always does... and he heard all this "smack" being talked about him...
-Then he talked about how tough Chicago is...
-Then he said that all these old guys like "Opie and Anthony, Howard Stern, Jeff and Jarrett" (WHAT???) Who come in and pick on him since he is the new guy and they try to "take my sunlight, take my love..." (New Guy? He's been in the business for what? Ten years now?)
-He starts punking Hart... which is silly since both guys weigh maybe 90 pounds
-Then Shane and Shannon run out and attack Mancow. Hudson said "Good Night" (GODDAM RIGHT!!!!)
-Hart starts screaming and acting like he has had ANY sort of relevance during these last 7 years
-I MIGHT... I say MIGHT have let this go... were it not for this one, small fact..
-ManFAG... as he was on the crowd getting TRIPLE TEAMED BY TWO WELL BUILT WRESTLERS AND ONE SKINNY FUDGE PACKER... instead of SELLING THIS AS LEGIT AND MAYBE MAKING EVERYONE WHO DO THIS FOR A LIVING LOOK GOOD... instead chose to LIE ON THE GROUND, MAKE A TOUGH GUY FACE, AND REFUSE TO SELL A SINGLE KICK!!!!!!!
-You Chicago PUSSIES... YOU SUPPORT THIS GUY!!!! YOU THINK THIS GUY IS FUNNY???? YOU THINK HE'S COOL???? THIS IS YOUR RADIO GOD??? THIS LITTLE PEE PEE SUCKING MONKEY F**K??? THIS IS THE REPRESENTITIVE OF CHICAGO!! I HOPE YOU ARE PROUD!!! I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT THE WORLD LAUGHS AT YOU!!!!
-YOU HEARD ME ON THE EDGE!!! IN 1 HOUR I WAS FUNNIER THAN THIS CLOWN HAS BEEN HIS WHOLE LIFE!!!! ALL HE IS IS A SKINNY LITTLE PUNK WITH A DEEP VOICE!!! YEAH, HE'S ALL IN LEATHER. SO HE CAN PICK UP SOME HOMO FOOTBALL PLAYERS AFTER THE SHOW!!! SO HE CAN SHAKE THAT ASS FOR THE CHICAGO HOME BOYS!!! OH YEAH... HE'S COOL... OH YEAH, HE'S TOUGH!
-CHICAGO DESERVES MANCOW!!!! YOU DESERVE HIM!!!
-And Jimmy Hart? WHY ARE WE PUSHING HIM AGAIN?? WHAT RATINGS WILL HE JACK UP???
-Hey, they tried this feud before... even Russo... who will stick a Goddam ACTOR LIKE DAVE ARQUETTE IN THERE IF IT MIGHT GET PRESS... put this match as far out of the spotlight as he could. Even RUSSO knew this was a bomb!!!
-Oh, and MANCOW'S TV SHOW WAS CANCELLED!!!! EVEN THOUGH HE WAS THE NEW, FUNNIER, BETTER HOWARD STERN FOR THE MILLENNIUM... he couldn't even keep his show on in HIS OWN F-ING TOWN!!!!
-WCW... YOU SUCK!!! THIS WAR IS OVER!!! YOU WILL NEVER BE #1 AGAIN!!! IT'S OVER!!! TOO MUCH GODDAM CRAP LIKE THIS!!! TOO MOTHERF***ING MUCH!!!!!
-I hope Mancow gets AIDS FROM ANAL RAPE BY A PACK OF LATIN KINGS WHILE BEING DRAGGED BY A JACKED UP MUSTANG NAKED THROUGH A PARKING LOT FILLED WITH A MILLION SHATTERED GLASS BOTTLES FILLED WITH SCORPIONS AND FIRE ANTS!!! I WANT YOU TO DIE MANCOW.... DIEDIEDIE!!!!
-as punishment... I will skip the next TWO segments... F-WCW, F-NITRO, F-FLAIR, F-THE BOOKERS, F-TNT, F-CHICAGO, F-JIMMY HART, F-F-ING-MANCOW AND F-YOU F-YOU F-YOU!!!!!!
-segment 1... something happened. Eat me
-Dallas Page comes out. Says that he is back. Says that he realized that no matter how depressed he gets, the pop from the crowd will always cheer him up, says that he realized this during a House Show. Had the nerve to call that House Show story a "shoot". Said he was just going to have fun from now on. Then broke out his cliches. Then he notices some Battledome "stars" in the seats and ragged on them. Then Buff, Miller, and Roick Steiner came out. then all four men took a turn on the mic. Then the Battledome guys tried to ruch the ring. Then it was broken up. That's all I have to say. Technically, I promised not to even say THIS much, but it was sort of important.
-Oh, and one of the Battledome guys was a black man dressed like an African Zulu warrior. All he was missing were plates in his lips. It was an total and complete insult to his race. What's next? White guys coming out in Blackface and doing a Kingfish impression?
-I wonder how longer Page will last before he needs another break to recover from old injuries?
-footage of what just happened.
-Stasiak tells Pollshock that he had nothing to do with Reno's attack. He further re-iterated his mission to rejoin the Thrillers.
-Jeff Jarrett comes out
-Scott Steiner comes out. Madden says that if you look in Steiner's eyes, you will see "Nothing behind them" (all we need to do is hear him on the mic and that point is made CLEAR!)
-Madden says that he can "barely contain himself". Incredibly, the man has actually grown OUT of his shirt within the space of one hour.
-Buff Bagwell come out
-Sting comes out. maybe this old school tag team match will soothe my raging fury!! Oh... you should SEE how hard I stab my computer keys!!! I'm afraid to jack off in fear that I may yank my foreskin clean off!
-The match started with Buff vs Jarrett. Madden says that it wouldn't be all THAT bad if Stener killed a fan or two. Tony QUICKLY said, "Don't EVER say that again Mark!" Madden shot back, "Or WHAT??"
-A-hem... allow ME...
-or I will show your Mom THE ULTIMATE GOLFER SEX ACT MARK!!!!! I WILL HAVE MY HAND IN HER NAUGHTY PLACE!!!! THEN, WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, I WILL SCREAM "FORE" AND GRAB THAT THICK PATCH OF AFRIMADDEN RAIN FOREST AND YANK OUT EVERY SINGLE LAST PUBE!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE "DIVOT", MARK!!! SHE WILL LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! SHE WILL SCREEEEEEAM!!!!!!
-Steiner started working on Sting. Jarrett was tagged in and worked some more.
-Of course, Sting launched the mighty comeback and tagged Buff.
-Buff hit the Blockbuster on Steiner. He was about to pin him, but Jarrett hit him with his guitar.
-Sting fought Jarrett outside, but Buff ate the Recliner and the Ref called the match. Tony was too outraged to say anything much but a sharp, "We'llberightBACK!!!"
-commercials Spot for "Charlie's Angels". The director has said that the rumors about on-set fighting were somewhat true, but only in the sense that everyone had creative ideas. In other words, Lucy Lui was a total Drama Queen, Bill Murray is a total a-hole, and they had some HUGE blow ups.
-Goldberg has a book out. It's about how he invented pretty much everything.
-Lance Storm joined the Announcers so he could "scout" the upcoming match. Storm reminded them that Rection didn't pin HIM for the belt, now did he?
-Storm wondered why Alex Wright now gets a title shot? Tony lied his ass off about how "impressive" Wright has been, as of late.
-Wright comes out with Disqo. Hudson calls them, "Alex Wright and Max Klinger!" Funny.
-They do some shtick where Disqo translate Wright's German. I'm sure the words "Jew" and "oven" were used at least once and DANGEROUSLY close to each other.
-Rection comes out with HIS Girl and HIS belt.
-Disqo comes to the announce table as Tony was telling us about "Thunder's" new time. As if THAT made a difference?
-Madden told Hudson to clam up and let the sports greatest technical wrestler in the world call some of the match. Hudson snapped that the greatest technical wrestler in the world was "backstage being CEO!" Schiavone enjoyed that.
-Storm said that Rection HAD to have improved... after all, he's been working with Storm for the last three months.
-Wright with a Legdrop with a pin attempt. Madden, "It's okay, nobody wins with a legdrop anymore!"
-The match progressed. Disqo tried to make trouble. The MIA group showed up and chased him away. Hudson, "He's in the Rosemont!! GOOD NIGHT!!" (I LOVE it when he senses that we are taking off!!!)
-Hudson ended up winning with the "No Matter, I'm Not Laughing". Oddly enough, Storm brought NOTHING to his guest shot... not even interesting commentary!
-Goldberg was preparing himself.
-Hacksaw SCREAMED at us and told us to vote. He made the nastiest faces. I stared at this with my jaw in my lap. This is someone's Father.
-THIS IS SOMEONE'S HUSBAND!!!
-I'm amazed that the cancer didn't outwit him.
-Paula Pollshock was informed by Booker T that Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner had better NOT hate the Playa, but they are more than welcome to hate the Game. (can we at least hate the catchphrase that he is so desperately trying to sell us?)
-Bam Bam Bigelow came out.
-Goldberg came out amid all his usual hype. The piped in chants were piped in loud and clear. At least the Announcers don't pretend that the fans are his slaves anymore.
-BUT... Hudson reminded us that tyhe little thing about Goldberg being out of there the moment he's pinned is still in full effect. The problem is, Hudson didn't point out just who is ENFORCING THIS RULE ANYMORE!!!
-The match started. Bam Bam had some control on the outside.
-Back in the ring... GB started swinging wildly at the air.
-Luger sauntered out. GB got off a lucky shot and dropped Bigelow. GB noticed Kuger and barked at him. Bigelow attacked.
-of course, the Spear was employed.
-Followed by the Jackhammer
-there you go.
-GB smiled as he faced Luger. Luger didn't seem to be worried.
-Steiner was in the ring with a mic and told Flair to go straight to hell. He also mouthed some crap towards at Booker T.
-"Save the drama for your Momma... the only drama is... she don't know who your Daddy is!!" (How long will it be before some nitwit dreams up the idea of bringing Booker's Mom on the show? I bet it'll happen before Starrcade)
-Nash came out as Steiner joined the Announcers. I'm sure that he'll get bleeped so much that it'll feel like your TV is on mute.
-Booker came out. Booker was wearing gloves that were WHITE on top and BLACK on the bottom. (of course)
-oo, knee lift by Nash to start. How unique.
-Booker staggered outside. Steiner goofed on him. Tony warned him about Flair's orders. Steiner scoffed at Flair and his orders.
-Back in the ring, nash with the big boot.
-Pin attempt was kicked out of.
-Nash tried the Crucifix. Booker powered out of it.
-Nash with a SLOPPY bounce off the ropes. Booker spin kicked him.
-Booker with the Scissor Kick.
-Steiner, "here comes the Spinerooni"... but it didn't come.
-THEN it came. Madden screamed it. (oh for crying out loud)
-Nash ducked a big kick. He hit the Ref instead.
-Stasiak ran out and hit Booker with some Brass Knuckles. Booker went down.
-Nash prepped up for the Jack Knife.
-Stasiak hit Nash with his knucks... Nash went down. Stasiak rolled Booker on top of Nash and revived the Ref. The Ref counted. Booker won.
-Stasiak stood over Nash, dropped a few crotch chops.. and generally goofed on him. Hudson, hoping against hope that there were ANY viewers left, screamed "GOOD NIGHT" and sent them off.
-Steiner grabbed his chcick and was abvout to leave. But then he went back, pulled Booker out of the ring, and...
-the show ended.
It was the MOST HORRIBLE, WORTHLESS WASTE OF TIME I HAVE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH!!!!! Why?
MANCOWMANCOWMANCOW!!!!! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE DO SOMETHING PAINFUL AND POSSIBLY LETHAL TO HIM?????
RAW wins. RAW can be two hours of the Rock practicing his eyebrow move in a mirror and it will ALWAYS beat any Nitro that has Mancow and Jimmy Hart
Rat jap bastards
Closing things out with some high brand COMEDY!!! Let's pretend that you actually run into one of the listed wrestlers and actually grow the nutsack to ask a question or two. Show the world that you are the coolest cowboy to ever wear an Austin 3:16 shirt by asking them THESE questions...
Note: In order to fully enjoy this crap... try to imagine the looks on their faces as you present them with these probes...
TO THE RECEPTIONIST AT THE WCW HEADQUARTERS IN THE CNN CENTER:
-Is Mr. McMahon in yet?
-Has a drunken Scott Hall ever pawed your breasts?
-Is it true that there is at least one suicide attempt in this office every Tuesday?
-You do realize that you're back on the Unemployment line the moment Patterson finds a young stud, right?
(note: This was written before it was announced that the WWF will not be buying WCW. I'm just such a mark for myself that I refused to cut it and look more up-to-date)
-What's your problem with Germany? I hear it's beautiful this time of year?
-If I sneezed, would you say "God Bless You" or "Gesundheit"?
-Are Ovens your Kryptonite?
-You are a great asshole Heel. Any plans to go back to Face anytime soon?
TO KEVIN NASH:
-How bored are you?
-Nice dye job. How old are you again?
-If Scott Hall deserves to be wrestling, does that mean Jake Roberts deserves to be President?
-You know, first off, let me tell you something...
TO VINCE RUSSO:
-Hyatte or Zimmerman?
-When are we going to start seeing some of those Trump cards you promised to keep throwing down on the WWF?
-Who's to blame for this third failure as WCW Head Writer?
-How many whole grapefruits can you fit in that mouth anyway?
TO SCOTT STEINER:
-How many times do you hit your bitch in the mouth to get her lips to swell like that?
-Do you realize that the fans are laughing at you?
-Who are you trying to scare when you go over the rail and go after someone? We know you don't have the guts to do anything.
-How much has 'roids shrunk you balls?
TO THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR:
-Psychologists say that men who speak in unnecessary, over-verbose words are just compensating for impotence and general penile dysfunction. Any thoughts?
-Is there any part of you that realizes it's over?
-Dooshbagsezwhat? (note: I KNOW this is a BLANTANT Stern rip-off, but of all the people in the business... the Warrior CERTAINLY deserves this)
-If I am inflicted with a mountainous protuberance in my rectal cavernous maw, would it prove beneficial to seek and confer with a Medical liaison that is familiar with the patented specialties that encumbers discerning and disallowing the continued occurrence of such an alarmingly agonizing malady?
TO KEVIN VON ERICH:
-Aren't you dead?
-Did you push Owen off the rafter just to show that cocky bastard Bret what it feels like to lose a Brother?
-Why is it taking you two decades to rid the world of that Towel Jockey, Skandor Akbar?
-Does Dok Hendrix crank call your house at night and laugh at you?
TO THE JUNKYARD DOG:
-How can I be talking to you when you are dead?
-Is there a Heaven for Black people only?
-Was your character created because the White man wanted a black guy who acted like a lap dog?
-Are you waiting for Greg Valentine to die so you can finally get that Wrestlemania re-match?
TO KING KONG BUNDY:
-Ever see Richard Pryor freebase cocaine?
-How's Christina Applegate in the sack?
-How much do you charge to paint houses?
-Dude, McMahon won't be calling. You can start eating salads now.
There... these are the questions you NEED to ask. Okay, so they weren't ALL questions... but even some STATEMENTS can... can... oh suck me.
I'm out of here. Say hello to the "W Administration"... someone keep an eye on Gore to make sure he doesn't hang himself.
The man spent is entire life striving for the White House. Worked his entire life on being the ultimate politician... and he was stopped by a bumbling Frat boy who makes Dan Quayle look like a Mensa member.
God bless America! This is why we totally ROCK!!
Of course, if Gore DOES win, I'll just pulled a Scaia and claim to have been screaming for a Gore win for the last 6 months.
He really does shit like that. It's pathetic AND laughable at the same time.
One more thing to the Administration who's President came in a 21 year old Intern's mouth (among others), then stared the Public in the eye and lied about it...
NA NA NANA... NA NA NAAA NAAA... HEY HEEY HEY GOOD BYYYYYYYEEEE
Here's hoping George W turns out to be a Hell of a President... just as a big F-You to you Gore supporters who were dreading this day.
Seriously... just relax. Everything will be just fine.
This is Hyatte
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