Mop-Up RAW 11.06.00
"(Goldberg) didn't want to sit next to me... and I didn't want to sit next to him"
Bob Ryder, proudly showing off his Anti-Semitism
Hello, I am Chris and this is the Mop-Up. Slow week for wrestling... slow week for the Internet... so how about we just go through some quick notes, recap the shows, then close it up with a little piece of fun stuff. Then we roll over and make her sleep on the wet spot. How's that?
We'll get the plugs out of the way. This week's And Another Thing is a challenge, of sorts, to all would be writers out there. It's a subject I touched upon on the Edge show, but I explored it more fully in the column. Check it out,losers and see.
This week's closer is another installment of a semi-regular on-going thing I do. It's a series of unique questions that you can ask the stars should the opportunity ever presents itself. Yes, it's a direct rip-off of Stern's "Stuttering John" and trust me, the minute Stern starts asking wrestlers goofy "inside" questions... I'll quit the gimmick. Still, check it out, I do believe I scored a few funny lines and even have some questions for guys who aren't exactly in the spotlight anymore... in fact, one of them is dead! (no, it's not who you think).
So, moving onto my already infamous "Edge" appearance... overall, the feedback I got was positive. It seemed to have chased Sean Shannon off the Net for a few weeks, at least (although I'm sure the incredibly negative feedback he's received since showing an unwillingness to back up what he writes by refusing any sort of challenge laid by Steve Corino, be it physical or in debate, had something to do with it too). Of course, a couple of posts on a couple of Message Boards weren't all that nice... but I consider posters just jealous little pecker smokers who can't quite get it together enough to actually write a full column that people might enjoy and/or who are too f-ing dumb to write anything substantial (such as the guy who burned my Bret Hart AAT because he thought the Montreal Incident was a total work). So, they don't bother me. Dustyliked it. CRZ did too. Scaia had no comment. Heh.
Oh, and I don't sound "old"... my voice is just deep, booming, and clear. Just because you little fan boys sound like you still have to suffer the humiliation of having your voice crack in English Class during a reading in front of whatever piece of Teenage Prom Slut that sits in the front row during the day and sits on your tiny pecker during your nightly wet dream... don't take it out on me. I know, I know... I have a great voice for radio... I know, I know... I sounded like a real pro... I know, I know... I was funny, natural, quick, and articulate... I know, I know... most of you are fuming because you were hoping that maybe I'd do a lousy radio shot so you could FINALLY have something to bust my balls on. I know, I know. You continue to suck, I continue to rule... AND YOU CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT!!!!
My voice makes 17 year old chicks reach a climax. SO PFFFFFTH.
And for the record, I have a New England accent. Vince Russo has a Nu Yawk accent. There are distinct differences. Invest in some Q-Tips, clean out the wax in your ears that has probably been building for the last 5 years, and LISTEN to it again. You WILL see that while Russo's accent is flat, trashy, and ugly... there is a harmonious, fluid, beautiful quality to the song that is the New England accent.
Ugh... I've tried so hard to lose the f-ing accent... but you spend your whole life surrounded by people who don't care how lazy and stupid they sound and... ugh.
Finally... Zack Arnold had this to say after my appearance: "he's so boring really, he's just the most uncharismatic jerk". He said it primarily because he knew that there were a lot of first time listeners who came to hear me and never even heard of him before. So he wanted a little cheap heat.
Of course... what you may or may not know is that Zack was supposed to host my show with Eric S. And it was only at the very last hour that he backed off and Greg Dillard stepped in.
In other words... I showed up... Zack didn't.
When Sean Shannon saw that I was also a part of the Chat This 2.5... he stuck around and REMAINED there until the very end. Who'da thought Sean would have balls that Zack Arnold apparently is lacking.
You're my bitch, Jap guy. You ran away like a little pussy, and only trashed me when you knew I wasn't around. Spin it all you want, this is the hard truth and everyone now knows it.
Fu*kFace. You only WISH you had my charisma... and what's more boring to an American Wrestling fan than some unGodly Jap match? And is "uncharismatic" even a WORD?
Bitch. I'll burn your house down and buttrape your father in the ashes of what used to be your living room. Do NOT even TRY to swim in my waters.
Moving on... I decided that I like GWB because goddam EVERYONE in the media likes Gore. Rolling Stone gave him a big pecker to grab the gay votes, the New York Times endorsed him, and big Hollywood stars like Cher and Ben Affleck are calling us stupid for giving any support for GWB. F-Them all. If Gore was so scary good, then he should be STEAMROLLING over Bush... instead, he's fighting just to keep his head above water. GOOD. I don't give a shit what Cher thinks. Most of these Hollywood liars only support the guy publicly because Steven Spielberg is friends with Clinton and they want to get in good with him. That's all. They support Gore because it's the thing to do. F-Them and F-You for listening to them. Rule to Live by... if Rosie O'Donnell supports something, then you KNOW it sucks.
And no, I still didn't vote, either way. It's tough to feel like my one vote will do anything when Rhode Island is so deep in Gore's pocket that neither candidate, their wife, or their VP Nomination even bothered to come to the state for a rally. We get Pat Buchanon for an hour on a local radio show. We are all just a small cog in a small machine that's part of a bigger machine. As insignificant as pocket lint. I'll register to vote when that little spoiled asshole Patrick Kennedy makes a run for Executive Office... then I'll register and work day and night with whoever opposes him. There can NOT be another President Kennedy... I will not STAND FOR IT!!!
Seriously, if you REALLY wanted to enact change or make you voice heard... then you did NOT vote. Silence speaks volumes and nothing initiates change more than apathy. Don't be a moron like Scaia and brag about "throwing your vote away"... keep your vote instead. I think there will be a LOT of people who didn't vote this year, and it's going to scare some people.
Oh yeah, and you New Yorkers are seriously tapped in the head if you put Hillary in the Senate.
Finally, I have yet to hear from Ray Reasoner concerning how he became God last week and all. I guess he was out last week. Oh well.
I guess I'm done. Nothing else is coming to mind, so we'll call it an Opener and surge onward. We had us two shows... one of them trying to figure out why ratings aren't soaring (there are a few reasons, really) and the other trying for the umpteenth time to mount ANY sort of competitive edge. Lots of crap, lots of nonsense, lots of fag jokes. Business as usual round these parts... let's get to it:
RAW IS WAR (or: MCMAHON WINS FLORIDA!!!! Oh, wait... got confused)
-One World... a much smaller world than those lying pricks at TNN had promised, apparently.
-Operatic overtones overtly oversell obese 'ombre's ongoing occurences
-Okay, I guess I will start each mark this week with a word starting with the letter "O".
-Our choice for this evening's viewing is being held at the Compaq Center in Houston, Texas. It SHOULD be called the "Compact Center", but... well, "Compaq" is more "Compact"... see? See? They don't just TALK it... they WALK it.
-oh, blow me AND suck me
-Ol' JR is the host, and he happens to be "Good".
-Old Jerry Lawler is with him, and he happens to be the King
-Oddly enough, to defuse the potential ratings boost generated by the return of DDP (HAW!! ON WHICH PLANET???), we get right into things with the on-air RETURN OF none
-other than VINCENT K. MCMAHON!!!!! Ever the pitchman, Vince comes out proudly showing off the new XFL FOOTBALL HELMET!!!! THERE ISN'T A 300 POUND LINEMAN IN THE WORLD WHO CAN PUT A DENT IN THAT SUCKER!!!!
-Oh... it's just his hair. Wow, look at that thing. You know, if he just let's the sides grow out a little, then mousses them so they stick up, he'll be a dead ringer for Wolverine.
-Of course, that explains why he looks so good for an old fart... it's his HEALING FACTOR!!!!
-Obviously, this will not be one of my better Mop-Ups.
-One wonders why Vince is walking like one of his legs is filled with sand.
-Our boy hits the ring and grabs the mic. Lawler screams, "THE GENETIC JACKHAMMER IS BAAAACK." Ross wonders why.
-Openly wonders why...
-OMINOUSLY openly wonders why...
-"OOO's" are heard through the imprssed crowd. Ross claims to hear a "B" in front of them.
-Operating with an agenda, Vince starts by wondering who Steve Austin is going to vote for, who The Rock is going to vote for, who AL SNOW is going to vote for. Vince added that even Al Snow's vote counts as much as the rest of us. (I'm sure Snow was getting his balls seriously busted in the lockeroom after this. I'm sure Al was surprised that Vince even KNEW he was still in the company.)
-Orally continuing, Vince said that the most important question of the day is... who will WE vote for... then he assumed that the most popular answer to this would be "Come on Vince, I won't vote because I don't give a DAMMMMN!" (damn... MTV kids... STOP BEING SO DAMNED DISALLUSIONED!!!!!)
-Officially, I hereby END this "O" gimmick. You really didn't think I'd actually have the ambition to keep it up, did you?
-Vince can understand. Why SHOULD we give a damn? After all, the WWF fan has been "disenfranchised" from the political process for a long, long time! (We've also been "disenfranchised" from the process of dating members of the female species for a long, long time too... but not even Vince can work miracles)
-We've been OSTRACIZED!!! We've been constantly on the OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. (DAMMIT... I should'a stuck with the "O" gimmick a little while longer)
-Politicians don't CARE about us... they don't GIVE A DAMN... because we do NOT vote!!
-Which, Vince says, is partially TRUE... we DON'T vote, but this is because we don't have a REASON to vote. Well, Vince will give us a REASON to vote right here tonight!
-If this guy doesn't speed things along, I'm going to VOTE on whether I should check out Ally McBeal.
-See, both candidates have already "lined up there committed voters already"...
-Vince says that they already have their "special interest groups", their "unions", their "corporations", their "rich", all of them... It should be noted that after he said "unions", Vince paused a moment and snickered to himself. He is the only man in the world who is allowed to say the word "union" on Wrestling TV. Jackass.
-Vince says that the irony is that all these special groups that the Candidates pandered to will end up canceling each other out and thus will NOT be the deciding factor in getting them elected. Vince pointed out the utter irony in the situation. Meanwhile, the viewing audience was curerently scratching their balls and wondering, "What the Hell is he babbling about? We wanna see some RASSLIN'!!!"
-Special Interest groups? I didn't even know that Retards were allowed to vote!
-Vince said that "each and every one of us" will decide who wins. The average, American WWF fan!! We must use our "common sense wisdom" to choose the man who will run this Country in the most... most... OH JUST TELL US TO VOTE FOR BUSH AND BE DONE WITH IT, VINCE!!! WE ALL KNOW THAT'S WHO YOU SUPPORT!!!
-And if we don't like ANY of these candidates... what do we do? Vince says to go for the "lesser of two evils", urging us to vote... even though they are both liars..
-Here's the real truth... Vince is doing this only so HE can be looked at as a "special interest" group all to himself. He just wants to be pandered to. he wants the power to say that he can deliver a large chunk of votes to whomever is willing to get in bed with him. That's it. Vince cares about looking out for us about as much as you care about the WU/LI war (go Spiffy, go) or about as much as you care about that previous obscure reference.
-HE'S MANIPULATING YOU, PEOPLE!!!!! THAT HAND YOU HAVE UP YOUR ASS IS VINCE MCMAHON'S... AND NOT YOUR OWN FOR A CHANGE!!!! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE THE PUPPET OF A BILLIONAIRE IN SUITS THAT NOT EVEN MIKE AWESOME WOULD WEAR?
-Vince wrapped up by NOT telling us who to vote for "per say"... that will come in four years.
-He was all set to leave... no doubt confident that he got his message across AND delivered killer ratings because Lord knows we eat, breath, shit, and sleep Vince McMahon... when...
-... out comes "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Camera lingers on Vince's "This could be trouble/Never in a billion years did I think he'd come out" expression. I made a promise to myself that if Vince did one of those exaggerated gulps, I would put on a shoe just so I could take it off and throw it at my TV screen.
-After repeated listening, I've managed to decipher the chorus to Austin's new theme song... "Stop the Presses, there's a bird caught in my cycle... Stone Cold retired the man Shawn Michaels". Not exactly "Let It Be", but still better than Goldberg's lame "Crush 'em"
-Austin went to all four corners. Then he got in Vince's face. This brought back memories, which was the entire point.
-Vince stuck out his hand and, in mock enthusiam, shouted, "WELCOME BACK, STEVE!!! WELCOME BACK!!!" (Looks like someone's been studying under Shatner)
-Instead of taking the hand, Austin swiped the microphone out of his hand. He said that while it was all fine and dandy to preach on about voting, "but JE(BLEEEEEEEP), it's MONDAY NIGHT RAW and Stone Cold Steve Austin wants to open up a big fat can of Whoop Ass!"
-Of course, "Jesus Christ" was bleeped... because the National Network recognizes no God.
-Austin told McMahon that he's actually going to work for the SECOND CONSECUTIVE WEEK!!! This time in a tag match with the Rock.
-He informed Vince that he had gotten to wonder about who was crafty, evil, and all around devilish enough to MASTERMIND this whole "Run-Down-Your-Main-Star-Right-As-Your-Ex-Main-Writer-Was-About-To-Go-To-Work-For-The-Competition" thing... hmm... who could have the brains to pull this off?
-err... wait a second...
-As for the rest of Austin's promo, I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy staring open jawed at Vince and all those RIDICULOUS FACES HE WAS MAKING!!! Jesus H... Captain Kirk didn't go so overboard... not even during the time he was acting crazy so he and Spock could shanghai the Cloaking device off the Romulan ship.
-"Vulcan Death Grip"... it SHOULD have been called the "Horrendously Bad Acting Grip"
-Why doesn't Vince just finish this by popping his claws and slicing up some Rattlenake?
-Finally, Kurt Angle and Stephanie came out. Steph had a boa wrapped around her neck. Umm... to ward off Vampires?
-They hit the ring apron. Angle had a mic and said, "Hold it right there, Bucko!!"... (Ross, "BUCKO??"). Of course, Angle is the son of "Chuck Cunningham", Richie's older Brother who mysteriously vanished after the first season of Happy Days.
-Angle says that he will not stand for the continued abuse of this Austin/McMahon storyline that has been dragging on since goddam 1998!!!!!!! IT'S OVER, GUYS!!!!!
-Angle wonders if maybe it was George W BUSH who ran over Austin last year??? Maybe after Bush had a few "cold ones"!! (Huh? Did Angle just accuse GW of being a necrophiliac?)
-Angle presumed that Austin must feel right at home here in Houston among all the "drunken, beer guzzling, foul smelling, yee-haw Texans" (Now, was there any reason to add the "Texan" part? We had enough clues to figure it out after "Yee-Haw")
-Angle says that as the official WWF Representitive to the United States, he is officially severing all ties with the state of Texas. (if a few more Aliens get in there, he won't have to. With Possession being 9/10 of the law, this state is fast becoming "The Republic of Mexico")
-Fotr some reason, this angered Austin. So he made a move towards Angle. Stephanie McMahon jumped into the ring and got in Austin's face. With her shrill voice set firmly on "Ear Bleed" she demanded to know who the HELL did Austin think he was? Vince stared at her, looking as if he just noticed that she had tits... niiiiiiiice tits... oh yes, who's your daddy Stephanie?
-Steph insisted that Austin will NOT be putting his hands on her Father, or on her "WWF Business Associate" (ugh, I find that so annoying).
-Austin cautioned Steph to take two steps back, because even though she's a woman... blah blah blah
-Vince gets behind Stephanie and tries to pull her away. His hand sliding suspiciously and SLOWLY north of her belly button... the truly sad part is that I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!!
-Meanwhile, Angle snuck in and attacked Austin! The McMahons bailed out. Austin bounced off the ropes once and punched Angle a couple of times.
-Stunner time, and the ambush was thwarted. Austin stands tall. Angle ends up on the mat. Are they running a repeat show?
-Austin leaves. Angle fumes. Oxymandias plots. Rorschach investigates. Dr. Manhattan stews on Mars. Hyatte loses everyone with an 80's reference that practically defines the word "obscure".
-Backstage, the Undertaker roars into the building on a motorcycle. He almost flattens a poor worker. Tonight's script goes flying everywhere. Yeah, like they've actually USED a script in MONTHS, anyway.
-footage of what just happened.
-Backstage, Vinnie Mac tells Kurt Angle that he has a "sneaky feeling" that something "momentous" is going to occur, so he wants Stephanie to be with him tonight. Steph argues. Kurt agrees with this plan and also sucks Vince's ass a little. Vince thanks Kurt and dives into the Limo with his screaming Daughter. I SWEAR, I heard him mutter, "Now let's see what's going on with your chest, young lady!" before the door shuts.
-The Limo takes off. Kurt says, "You're right, Mr. McMahon. This is going to be a night like no other. Especially for Stephanie's Husband, Triple H." At what point will the cameraman say, "Who are you talking to, dickhead?"
-The Undertaker comes out. Ross sez that he'll be fighting Val Venis in a couple of seconds, and since the UT likes his clean wins, the RTC group are officially barred from ringside.
-Val comes out. We see that Stevie Richards tried to recruit the UT on Smackdown, Thursday, and paid for it with his very SOUL!!!!! (okay, that was a lie)
-UT attacks early. The guy's old. The guy's burnt out. The guy's tired. He wants to wrap this up early and go home.
-UT bangs him around in the corner. Then drops a pair of elbows. Lawler pined away for the days when Val used to be cool. I think we're all pining away for those days, laddy.
-UT throws Val off the top rope. He grabs Val by the neck. Ross, "Chokeslam COMING???" (Gee Jim, y'think?)
-Val breaks it up. They fight for a while longer, but UT cranks out the victory with that waaay cool powerbomb of his. It was a good throw. Perhaps one of UT's best since his revamp.
-I'm telling you, up against someone talented, UT can still GO!!!
-Backstage, HH and H approaches Mick Foley. After goofing on the big booger in Kurt Angle's nose after he won the title, he tells Mick to hand him all four Radicalz tonight. Mick doesn't want to risk HHH's life by booking a 4 on one match. HHH responds, "Hey Dumbass, this nose is quite... quite...
-Jesus Christ, how's THIS for a moment... right now, Dan Rather is busy covering the Presidential Election, the most Important night of the new Millennium, so far. Serious business, right?
-So this is what we get...
-Rather: "Bush leads by 11 Electoral Votes. His lead is shakier than cafeteria jello."
-Off-Camera, "HEE HEE HEE HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"
-oy... maybe Canada isn't THAT bad a place to live?
-Mick tells HHH that if he can find three other partners, he'll get the Radicalz. They also paused and soaked in the cheap heat after Foley referenced Houston
-Then Austin shows up and tells Foley that if the Rock screws him over tonight, it will be Foley's fault for booking it. Foley suggests that Steve should maybe switch to Sanka.
-HHH leaves after reminding Auistin not to trust anyone. Oo, nice advice. See, kids! HHH is really a nice guy! He's REALLY enjoying being a Face for once and helping out his fellow workers! GOD BLESS HHH!!!! HE IS A HERO TO US ALL!!!!
-There is a camera stationed in the parking lot, waiting for the Rock. Ross says that the Rock should have been there by now and openly accused the Rock of operating under "CPT". (Oh... OH MAN JIM!!!! THE GUY IS JUST RUNNING A LITTLE LATE!!!! NO NEED TO USE THESE IDIOTIC STEREOTYPES!!!!
-We see the detailed, well-scripted drama that has brought Kane and Chris Jericho into a bloodfeud. (coffee... he spilled a little f-ing coffee on the big red dickhead)
-Kane tells Michael Cole that since the people rejected HIM for little Pretty Boys like Jericho, he will make THEM pay by turning the Pretty Boy into a FREAK!!!! (Err, Kane... speaking for the 55% of the audience who are NOT homosexuals and don't CARE what Jericho looks like, this ain't costing us all that much)
-Oh, and he also said that he's going after Blackman tonight so he can WIN the HC title and thus, he'll be able to do anything to Jericho and it'll be legal! Since when do monsters who thrive on rage care about the rules, anyway?
-Meanwhile, elsewhere... Road Dog agrees to help out Hunter, then they both wonder if "He" will set aside differences and join them? (My God!! RAZOR RAMON IS COMING BACK!!!! THE BAD GUY IS COMING HOME!!!)
-commercials. "Stone Cold Cinnamon Ice Cream"? "Trish-kebabs"?, "The Rock's Smack-aroni Salad"? What is the silly ass CRAP???
-I bet Ross is posing on the cover with Rocky and Austin life-size stand-ees.
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-HHH and Road Dog find Billy Bad Ass and Chyna and offer them to SET ASIDE THEIR DEEP, DEEP HATRED FOR EACH OTHER AND BAND TOGETHER ONE MORE TIME TO SHOW THOSE WCW REFUGEES THAT EGOS RUN THE BOOK JUST AS BLATANTLY UP NORTH AS IT DOES IN ATLANTA!!!!
-Chyna and Gunn reluctantly agree that DX will ride "one more time". No one mentions X-Pac. No one mentions that these four cats are a wee bit too old to be running around with a name that brings to mind early to mid 90's MTV slackers.
-Just wondering... since it's now all about "Generation Y" with "Generation Z" seven years away... what's going to come next? "Generation AA"?
-Trish Stratus brings out T&A.; Ross tells us that the big Wrestlemania will be held in town at the "Astrodome" (I always wondered... why name an entire dome after the dog from the Jetsons?)
-You know... I can actually FEEL you stare blankly at your screens right now... partially amazed that I actually had the balls to try to sell that line
-Too Cool come out. I like their theme song. It's too cool. (Hey!!! Wait a second...!)
-This should be a complete squash...
-It is, more or less. Taylor managed to get in the "Worm", however.
-God DAMN... Test should get a Singles push. He is SO damn good.
-Test hit Christopher with his boot... BC kicked out of the pin attempt.
-BC hit the Flying Legdrop.
-Trish distracted and Albert scored the pin for his team. Afterwhich, Crash Holly ran out with some woman. With Too Cool, they cleaned house. The Woman attacked Trish and even hit her with a Springboard Cross Body.
-Unofficially, it was Mona from WCW who hung with Randy Savage and Gorgeous George for a while.
-Officially? Well... meet the BODYDONNA'S 2000!!!!! MY GOD, IS NO GIMMICK SACRED????
-AND WHERE THE HELL IS HARDCORE HOLLY???? I MISS THE DAYS HE USED TO LECTURE THE BIG SHOW ABOUT HOW HE WAS THE "BIG SHOT"!!!!
-The Radicalz are backstage and they are walking. Quite frankly, they look like they are lost.
-The re-formed DX is walking too. I truly think this group will now stick together PERMANENTLY!!!!!!
-The Rock still hasn't shown. Ross mumbles something about how this is "typical".
-Roger Clemens is in the front row. Every single household in New England watching RAW right now is currently booing... except for Yankee fans.
-Lawler gets all jacked over a guy sitting next to Clemens from galleryfurniture.com. I have no clue why, and you know what... I don't CARE all that much either.
-D-Generation X comes out. It now seems that Bad Ass Billy Gunn is now the VERY "PC" "Billy G"... and has changed his hair so it looks like he's a member of the "Natural Born Thrillers".
-Billy G... Billy G...
-You know... if they "clean up" ONE MORE GIMMICK!!!! I'LL... I'LL... I'LL SIT HERE AND NOT DO A DAMN THING!!!!!!
-Aww... HHH didn't do one of those old "Are You Ready" things. That would have been nice.
-The Radicalz come out. One forgets that Malenko is a title holder. One forgets that Malenko is a member of the WWF.
-Do you realize that if you fell into a Coma in late January, and you just woke up a day ago... and you turned on RAW and saw this... you'd be like, "What the F**K? THEY'VE BEEN DOING THIS ANGLE FOR ALMOST A YEAR???
-Billy G (not my lover... but the kid is not my son) starts off with Eh-dee.
-Ross points out that Eddie was very recently engaged to be married to Chyna. Then later, when they finally hook up, Ross said, "Can you imagine, she was going to have his CHILDREN!!!" (Okay, Jim... you've sold this IDIOCITY enough.)
-Interesting... CBS and Dan Rather has announced that Gore took Florida. BUT Ted Koppel and ABC has said that Florida is still "too close to call"! (as of ten pm, est)
-Eddie tags in Dean Malenko... the obligatory whipping boy
-Benoit was tagged. Then Saturn. Then Malenko. But by then, Gunn was tagged and DX took charge.
-It degenerated (HAW!!!) into a brawl. HHH FINALLY decided to actually work
-OOPS... I just learned that the Bush camp has asked for a Florida recount... and there wwere some uncounted ballots... that explains it. My bad. Now, you can send me ANOTHER e-mail telling me to disregard the previous e-mail you sent explaining this to me... thus filling my mailbox with even MORE spam.
-HHH gave Malenko the Pedigree and WON the match!!! DX IS BACK AND HERE TO STAY!!!
-Kurt Angle ran out and laid down some kicks on poor Hunter. As far as thoughtful, evil revenge scheme go... this one kind of SUCKS!!!!!
-DX was laid out a bit. The Radicalz and Angle smiled at the entrance way. The Heels might have gotten some measure of victory... but the war has JUST BEGUN!!!!!
-Ah, the Rock has FINALLY shown up.
-The Right to Censor come out sans Val Venis. They stay off the stick.
-The Hardy Boyz come out with Miss Cutie Pie. Now SHE has a face to shoot a wad on. Look at that thing.
-It's for the tag team title. The Hqardyz were SO EAGER TO HAND OUT SOME ASS WHUPPIN'....they stormed the ring instead of properly waiting for the ref to cvheck boots, show the RTC the tag belts, and signal for the bell to ring. Dammit, sometimes the thirst for vengence BLINDS YOU!!!!!
-Why am I acting like such a douchebag Mark this week?
-It was Bull Buchanon and the Goodfather fighting for the belts, by the way.
-Lawler tells Ross that he is NOT voting for Gore and the Jew because they have basically promised to clean up Movies and Televison because obviously, nobody trusts parents to regulate shit on their own. (The irony is... right now, the WWF has cleaned up their own product enough so Gore and Lieberman would probably approve of what they are putting on)
-I'm sure the King is a little shaky on Bush too... Lord knows ol' Lawler has probably had an "accident" or two with an underage girl that required a unique kind of medical assistance... if you catch my drift.
-The RTC went to work on the kids.
-Meanwhile, New York put Hillary in the Senate... you IDIOTS!!! No wonder the Jews have suffered so much, the KEEP MAKING DUMB MISTAKES!!!!
-Dan Rather, "The Opera isn't over until the HEAVY lady sings!" Have we gotten so nervous about offending anyone that we can't even call someone FAT ANYMORE????
-MARK MADDEN IS A FAT DOUCHEBAG!!!! (There, I feel better already)
-Dave Scherer, in this Tuesday's Lariet: "Isn't it tasteless to make fun of Madden's weight?". Yeah, but isn't it tasteless for a so-called "Professional Journalist" to co-author a puff piece coffee table book on WCW just for a few bucks?
-well, looks like Letterman is going to get the night off. Jay Leno's such a douchebag, he'll probably run his show at 3:00 am if need be... because Lord knows the American people can't go to sleep without one of his endless monologues. GOD KNOWS WE CAN'T SURVIVE ONE NIGHT WITHOUT THE "TONIGHT SHOW"!
-WOW... I know I should be recapping but... Jesus Christ, this Election race is one the most fascinating pieces of television, I've ever seen!
-It's the usual deal here... Hardyz outpowered but getting by on their lightening speed and fearless bravado!
-Matt Hardy dives on the GF on the outside. Jeff hits Bull with the Senton Bomb.
-But, the Ref is down. So Edsge and Christian run out in their new shirts that I just KNOW is a little dig on Hulk Hogan.
-Jeff takes out E & C... he and Matt are going to hit the GF with their "Footstool Leg Smashy Smash"
-FINALLY... IN A CHANGE OF PACE, THE HARDYZ ACTUALLY BATTLE BACK AGAINST HUGE ODDS AND ACTUALLY SCORE A CLEAN WIN!!! NO LONGER THE WWF'S RESIDENT BUTT BOYS, FINALLY THEY ARE GONNA GET A LITTLE CREDIBILITY TO THEIR TITLE REI...
-Stevie jams the belt in Jeff's way and he hits it. The GF lies on top of him and the ref counts... the RTC are the new tag team champs. DAMMITALLTOHEAVEN!!!
-Meanwhile, did you notice that there are virtually NO states that were traditionally Republican but voted Democrat? There are quite a FEW Democratic states that went for Bush.
-Dear Assface Hyatte, I want wrestling recaps... not some half-assed political analysis. Keep your stupid opinions to yourself and give me Patterson jokes. (Insert name here)
-Okay... why did Patterson add Hot sauce to the cremated ashes of his Lifemate?
-So he could eat the ashes and have him tear up his sphincter one last time.. HAPPY NOW????
-We have new tag champs. Ross and Lawler called E&C; idiots for making matters worse.
-Ross, "this is the single worse thing to happen to the tag team titles in the HISTORY of the WWF!!!!!" (WHAT? Oh really? Two words, one ampersand... "Earthquake" "&" "Typhoon")
-Kurt Angle spots Teddy Long and Tony Garea and asks where the Rock was. Instead of saying something obvious like, "He's in that room 2 feet away with the big "ROCK" sign on the doorway, moron". Garea just mumbled something and pointed.
-Angle walked into the Rock's dressing room, said hello, then whacked him with the WWF title. Rocky was laid out. Slaughter tried to help him up. Rock shoved him away, muttering something like, "Get your damn hands off me fag!!" (Wow... not the SARGE!!! Not a DECORATED VETERAN!!!!)
-whoof... I won't ask, so long as he don't tell!
-Ross feigned outrage, but I heard him grumble, "Maybe next time he'll remember to wind that watch!"
-Moments ago, well, you know
-Backstage, E & C were so happy that they used a kazoo to sing Benoit's theme song. Mick Foley stepped in and announced that since they were so eager for air-time, they can fight the Dudley's tonight in a Table Match. Christian said that this reeked of "suckual overtones"... which made me laugh despite myself.
-Kane came out. Ross accused him of having a bug up his ass. Lord knows, all it takes is one frisky Dung Beetle up there and your whole day is ruined.
-Steve Blackman came out. Ross quipped, "Finally, a Blackman who is NOT late all the time!" (Aww Jimmy, just LET IT GO ALREADY!!!)
-Kane met him halfway up the ramp. Meanwhile, Florida WILL decide the next President. I wonder who Samuda voted for.
-Blackman JAMMED his big boot into Kane's face after jumping off the guard rail.
-Blackman had a few moves, including his shtick with the Kendo sticks, but this was basically all Kane. Solid bumps... nice moves
-Blackman was down, Kane picked up the steel steps and hoisted it over his head. He was about to hurl it into Blackman's face when...
-Jericho ran in with a chair. He clubbed the steps, which knocked down Kane, which had the look that the steps smooshed Kane's face, but really, Kane's face was safe within the triangular space that the steps structure provided. We used to see this move all the time, but it's been a while now. It's a cool looking bump.
-Jericho added insult to injury by whacking the steps again as they qwwere "on top" of Kane's face.
-Blackman scored the easy pin. Jericho walked away muttering "You son of a BITCH!" I am SHOCKED that theose TNN tight asses didn't scramble Jericho'sd mouth digitally. So the kids couldn't read his lips and run around screaming "SONOFABITCH!!! SONOFABITCH!!!"
-Imbeciles... what Kid doesn't know every single curse word in existence since the age of 5? Jesus, I screwed a 7 year old Girl last week and you wouldn't BELIEVE the dirty smack she laid on me.
-Backstage, a furious Rock went looking for Angle. He found Austin instead. They talked trash and warned each other a bit.
-Moments ago, Jericho paid Kane back a little.
-The KING was in the RING!! JERRY LAWLER WAS ABOUT TO REMIND US THAT HE CAN STILL HANG WITH THE KIDS TODAY!!!!!!!! IT'S OLD SCHOOL 101 AND PROFESSOR LAWLER IS READY TO TEACH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Jesus H... The King has GOT to get rid of that haircut. The Ducktail went out with Grease. Ken Wahl tried to bring it back briefly in Wiseguy, but it didn't fly.
-That was a good show, Wiseguy... damn good show.
-Raven came out with Tazz
-Tazz joined Jim Ross. Ross wanted to know just what he thought he was doing? Tazz said that he's there to "carry" him.
-Tazz on the stick? Lawler in the ring? This is one of the few times that you can get a huge Hard-On while watching men and NOT be a fag!
-I AIN'T NO HOMO BUT DAMN IF I'M NOT ABOUT TO HAVE AN ACCIDENT IN MY CALVIN KLEINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Tazz, "I'm here to help push your book, 'Can I Get Any More Heat?'" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA F-IT IF HE NEVER WINS A MATCH ANYMORE!!!! TAZZ IS PURE GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Meanwhile, Little Havana in Miami will be a BIG factor in who will take Florida... which mean our next leader will be decided by CUBANS!!!!!!!! Just sit back and chew on that awhile.
-Tazz, "LOOK AT RAVEN!!! STOMPING A MUDHOLE IN HIM!!!!!! WALKING IT DRY!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA"
-Raven with the Bulldog.
-Raven rams Lawler's head into the corner. Lawler scrunches his face, clenches his fists, and groans in pain. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is known as SELLING A MOVE!!!!! YOU JUST DON'T SEE THIS SORT OF PROFESSIONALISM ANYMORE!!!!!!
-Ross goads Tazz into commentating on the current events of tonight... Tazz, like 90% of the viewing audience, was too stunned by the fact that 60 YEAR OLD LAWLER ACTUALLY DROPKICKED RAVEN!!!!!
-Tazz attacked King just before he could Piledrive Raven. The bell rang. Al Snow ran in with two heads. He gave Lawler one with a crown on it. They cleaned house.
-Isn't it time for a nice, juicy, Raven push?
-Backstage, the Dudley's carefully select the proper table and head to the ring.
-E&C; assume that there will be Tables under the ring and don't bother.
-We are live in Houston, Texas and Wrestlemania tickets go on sale NOW!!! ooops, too late, they sold out.
-Backstage, Stevie Richards tells his team that, "We are in control!" (Now, we didn't need THAT reference!)
-Ross got all huffy and called them "idiots". Then announced that he's damn sure PROUD of his right to walk around his fenced in backyard buck naked with a bottle of Jim Bean in one hand and his 12 gauge in the other, shooting coons. (I hope... no, I PRAY, Jim means furry animals that go through garbage cans late at night)
-Edge and Christian come out.
-The Dudley's come out. Why don't they do the picture thing anymore?
-The match is ON!!!!!!!
-D-Von was dumped out of the ring early, so Buh Buh Ray took a little double team.
-E & C riffed on the whole "Get the table" riff. Which actually backfired on them as Buh Buh grabbed Christian, threw him out, then gave him the "WAZZUP"
-The Doodies TRIED to get the tables, but E & C double dropicked it into their faces.
-Buh Buh set up the table and placed Edge on it. He climbed the second rope. Christian ran in and nutted the bastard.
-Buh Buh was going to get a Double Superplex on the table, but the Hardyz ran in and moved the table. Thus Buh Buh STILL took on Double Superplex, but this time it was on the hgard, stiff, unforgiving mat! (wait a second... HEY DUDES!!! HELLO??? HOW IS THAT HELPING THE POOR GUY?)
-Edge took a 3D on the table. Jeff gave Christian a Senton on the outside table. Dudley's won.
-It really sort of sucks that they killed the whole "Buh Buh Zoning Out After Dropping A Chick On A Table" thing
-Backstage, the "Coach" asked Rikishi why he was wearing a face mask? Rikishi told him it was none of his motherf**king bidness!
-'Kishi also promised that Stone Cold will be working ALONE tonight, because the Rock IS the traitor!
-At the "WWF New York", Debra was tasting some selections off their fine menu. She also looked like she wanted to taste the fine looking Brother with his hair all braided up tight that was serving her. "Ah bet YOU never had any ol neck surgery, did'ya?" Ooo, nuttin' wrong with a little dark meat, boyeeeeee
-Kurt Angle told Michael Cole that he's gonna take care of some business too. "Children love me, dammit!"
-Austin was suited up and ready to put over nothing.
-Rocky was suited up and ready to put over a huge rolling cart that someone shoved into him. That damn cameraman couldn't quite get it together in time to turn around and see who it was.
-God Bless the Rock. Austin would have just looked at the thing coming at him and give it the Stunner.
-Ross, of course, said that whoever did this must be THE DARK LORD LUCIFER HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I am 99.9% sure that it was Shane who came out of a room and alerted the medics as to whjat happened. It must have been a rest room, or does Shane always run around with toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants?
-The Rock did his best "glazed over" look while being examined. he tried to get up, but couldn't quite pull it off.
-Rikishi came out.
-Kurt Angle came out. They both smiled smugly as they waited for...
-Stone Cold... who stormed out and basically started to windmill his arms in Angle's gernal direction.
-Rikishi tried to come from behind, but come on... it's AUSTIN!
-Suddenly, Goldberg looks like the most generous worker alive.
-Lou Thesz Press on Angle. There used to be a time when that move actually resulted in a PIN!!
-Meanwhile, it has started to rain in Texas... downpour, actually. Now THAT'S Poetic symbolism!
-The double team is on. BIG Legdrop on Austin. To his credit, Stevo didn't yawn.
-Austin fights back... Rikishi flips head over heels (sort of) off a clothesline
-'Kishi steps outside and pulls a sledgehammer from under the ring. Ross openly demands that someone calls 911 and get the Police to the Compaq Center NOW!!!!!
-Things looked grim for Austin when...
-HHH RAN IN TO MAKE THE SAVE!!!! WHO SAYS FACES DON'T STICK TOGETHER??? MAYBE NOW AUSTIN HAS SOMEONE HE CAN TRUST!!!! MAYBE NOW AUSTIN HAS MADE A... FRIEND!!!!!
-HHH picked up the sledgehammer and whacked Austin right in the face with it. (ahh shit)
-Austin starts to bleed. HHH put on a black glove and starts wailing away on Austin (Who does this dude think he is? RENE GOULET?????)
-On HHH's orders, Rikishi drops his ass on Austin's chest. Ross swears on his dead momma's grave that this COULD conceivably stop someone's heart! (Does this mean Rikishi killed Yoko?)
-Ross DEMANDED... goddam COMMANDED HHH to explain himself!
-HHH picked up a mic, got reeeeal close in Austin's face, and said, "Austin... your search, it's over... it's allllll over! Now you know, you sonofabitch!"
-They played HHH's music. Ross, his voice as horse as a Hooker after a weekend swallowfest, "WHY, YOU SON OF A BITCH... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!"
-The show ends.
The BIG question is... how does Angle fit into all this? Heel? Face? HHH's buddy? HHH's foe?
Well, the REAL big question is who will be Our First Leader for thios new Century... but who cares about something as paltry as THAT? WHO CARES WHO OUR NEW PRESIDENT WILL BE WHEN THERE IS HHH'S HEEL TURN TO DISCUSS?
And of course, you CANADIANS should be kept aware as to who's ASS you have to start SUCKING!!!!
Go read Nitro, Marks!
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