Mop-Up Nitro 11.13.00
So Russo's coming back?
That can only be GOOD news.
Oh, not for the compnay OR the show.. but just for the backstage FIREWORKS!!
That's the beauty (and curse) of WCW. All the best stuff happens AFTER the Monday tapings.
And be sure to watch for my very special CHILD STAR OF THE 70'S/80'S guest... he'll be popping up somewhere in here.
NITRO: (or: Payback to Great Britain for sending the Spice Girls across the pond)
-WCW Symbol: It actually beat Nader in Montana!
-Highlight package remarkably short on what can technically called "highlights".
-Then again... the NTB's turned on Nash? That's a cool swerve!
-We see a shot of... I guess it's "Buckingham Palace". Every try a Bucking Ham sandwich on Pumpernickle? It's a little mushy, but actually quite tasty. Throw a little spicy mustard on there and Brother, you've got yourself a lunch!
-a voiceover from Tony Schiavone tells us that this will be a "historic" Nitro... where they try to go back in history and trot out old angles that worked well in the past.
-We see all the main sites of London, which 99% of the viewing audience could not give one, tin poop about. THERE'S A REASON WE LEFT THIS COUNTRY, DUDE!!! WE DIDN'T WANT TO WORSHIP A QUEEN, A PRINCE, A DEAD PRINCESS, AND HER TWO HOMO SONS!!!
-Hey Red Coats!!! Two words... TOOTH F-ING PASTE!
-They are at the "London Arena", just off the "River Thames". We see a big sign that advertises "Ice Hockey". That's a British term for sex... because those girls just freeze right up when an Englishman rolls on top of them. Get an AMERICAN all up in that choochie... she melts like butter in a microwave.
-We sometimes slap a British accent on Gwynnie Paltrow and send her overseas to teach the wankers an acting lesson or two. What did we get in return? BENNY HILL!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS BRITIAN'S CONTRIBUTION TO WORLD CULTURE!!! BENNY F-ING HILL!!!!
-and those overrated Beatles...
-Yes, we are pre-taped in London, Arena. Tony boasts that there are over 10'482 fans in the building... which is a sell out. Tony boasts a wee bit too much there... especially with 50'000 people filling up the Astrodome within ONE HOUR!!!
-Note to Ashish... if you invite me, I will come.
-Note to Ashish (2)... I just changed my mind, so disregard previous note.
-Wow... 10 large... sold out... Tony can actually act like they have a real company for a night.
-Okay, I'm sure Madden has plenty of things to say... best haul out the "Momma jokes"
-Tony wishes us all a "Tally-Ho", and introduces himself, "Straight Shooting" Stevie Ray, and "Iron" Mike Tenay, and... and...
-...and the Superstars of World Championship Wrestling?!?!?!?
-MY GOD ALL F-ING MIGHTY!!!! HE'S GONE!!! HE'S GONE!!! HE'S GONE!!!! MADDEN IS GONE!!! MADDEN IS GONE!!!! MADDEN IS GONE!!! OH HAPPY DAY!!! OH THANK ALLAH!!!! OH PRAISE SATAN!!!! BRITAIN RULES!! I WANT TO EAT OUT THE QUEEN MUM'S SWAG!!!! WILLIAM WALLACE WAS A TROUBLEMAKER!!!!!! ROGER MOORE WAS THE BEST JAMES BOND!!!! FREDDIE MERCURY WAS ALL MAN!!!!!!
-GOOOOD SAAAAVE THE QUEEEEEN!!! MAY HEEEER STAAAAARRRR KEEP SHIIIIIINING BRIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!! GOOOOOOD SAVE THE QUEEEEEEEEENNNN HER BREAAAAAAST ARE OOOOOOOUT OF SIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
-Tenay is in festive spirits... obviously ahead of the game by sipping a little bit of pre-show "Beefeater", and says that THIS is why this organization is called WORLD Championship Wrestling... and they are currently in the midst of TAKING over the UK with the catchy title, "Invasion Tour 2000"
-Then Tenay got totally loopy and announced that the LAST group to try to invade and take over GB was the Nazis, and even though Buckingham Palace was THIS close (place index finger and thumb so they are scant millimeters away from each other for the visual reference) to being called "Der Feurer's Summer Home", there ain't no Churchill to stop THEM NOW!!! THIS TIME... LONDON WILL FALL!!!!!
-Meanwhile, all of WCW's top talent (bwahahahaa) come out. I'm sure quite a few Londoners took one look at "70's Awesome" and figured this was America's new fashion trend. Wonderful. We really needed this. WE'RE STILL GETTING CRAP FOR VIETNAM!!!!!!
-All the WCW stars (haw) are out... well, almost all... well... all the mid-carders, plus Sting, Luger, and Bagwell for a LITTLE bit of wattage. Goldberg sure wasn't there. Nash wasn't. Booker, Steiner, the NTB's, Buddy Lee Parker... none of the BIG names.
-Why is Lex conversing with Sting? WHY IS AN EVIL, SOULESS HEEL CHATTING AWAY WITH A HERO LIKE STING??? WHY AREN'T THEY AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS LIKE THE MORTAL ENEMIES LIKE THEY ARE??????
-Bagwell tries to talk with Lex... Luger notices the camera and QUICKLY jerks away. You can see him mutter, "Not out here, you dickhead!!! Jesus!!"
-Then, Ric Flair comes out with a microphone. Tony comments on the deep respect paid to Flair by the crowd. Stevie says, "That's because he's the CEO!". Tony, "No, that's not the only reason!". Stevie, "Then why, Tony?", Tony, "Because he is the 14 time World Heavyweight Champion!". Stevie, "MESSAGE!!!", Tenay, "God, I mish you guysh!"... Tenay starts to sob loudly...
-Luckily, Flair gets to the promo. Stevie calls the crew standing around the ring, "the best of the WCW best!" (umm... KWEE WEE IS THERE!!!!! HELLOOOOOOO?)
-Flair calls this group "the finest collection of athletes that has EVER BEEN anywhere under one roof". (well, maybe... if that old NWWWO group I slapped around a year or so ago had gotten together in one place JUST ONCE... then there might have been cause for... deb... debat.... heh hee hee hoo hoo hoo... hah ha ha ha... HAWHAWHAWHAWHAW)
-Flair called this the "greatest wrestling company in the world today"... SEVERAL WCW wrestlers were seen checking the ceiling to make sure thunderclouds weren't forming inside the arena. People have been struck down by lightening for smaller LIES!!!!
-Flair said that he knows they promised the London crowd a great show... but America was built on lies... LIES AND PORNO!!!!!
-First, however, Flair has some business to attend to...
-1) Flair reminded Mike Sanders that although HE is WCW Commissioner (using treachery and deceit to oust ERNEST MILLER... a Black Man!! That's ANOTHER small little habit we Americans have), he is NOT CEO... Flair is, thus, Flair is Sanders boss... so Sanders should keep that in mind. "PLAY FAIR!!" said the man who spent 90% of the 80's throwing people over the top rope to retain his belt on DQ.
-2) Flair also noted that Sanders was the "Cruiser Heavyweight champion of the World" (Oh... Ric... Ric... Ric), except that he hasn't defended the thing in ages... so he now has 48 hours to figure out what to do about this.
-3) As Booker T decided to join the festivities... (I'm sure Jim Ross would scream "CPT" and accuse Booker of being like Rocky YET AGAIN!!), Flair announced that there will be a "London Lethal Lottery" tonight... where 8 wrestlers are "randomly" picked to form 4 teams and the last team standing fight each other on Thunder and the ultimate winner gets a shot at the WCW champ after Mayhem. (Oh I'm sure Nash will find some way to book himself against himself that Monday)
-Major Gunns kissed the camera. Flair snapped her back to attention by asking her how she liked London. She said that she especially liked looking at those Statues posted around Buckingham Palace that were made to look like humans with dorky long, black, furry hats. It was Hugh Morrus who whispered something in her ear. She stared at him and said, "No, I don't Fu**ing THINK so!"
-Flair said, "WHOO, I think the boys are learning to love YOU!" (Lord knows how much she charges for THAT "class")
-Flair ran down the team members... #1 Mike Awesome and Bam Bam Bigelow. #2 Lex Luger and Booker T. #3 Alex Wright and the Disqo Inferno. (FOUL!!! THIS IS NOT RANDOM!!! NO WAY IN BLOODY HELL!!!! JUST LIKE GORE PAID HOMELESS PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR HIM WITH CIGARETTES, THE FIX IS IN WITH WCW TOO!!!)
-#4 Scott Steiner and Sting. Flair then noticed that Steiner wasn't around, and DEMANDED that he get out here and stop being such a... a... a RULE BREAKER!!!!!
-Tony, whiter than a British Albino, "You... you... you think Steiner is BUCKING THE SYSTEM?????"
-Steiner marched out with whatsername. He went right for Flair... Booker blocked him... Sting grabbed Booker... one thing led to the Queen Mother and...
-A riot ensued. Between the WRESTLERS... the Brits sat there with their thumbs up their bums.
-Meanwhile, the Natural Born Thrillers had arrrived. As luck would have it, so did the night's first batch of...
-Tenay goes WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY overboard selling the excitement of the Lethal Lottery. A totally annoyed Tony dashes us off too...
-pre-taped nonsense featuring Crowbar, Vito, the Hardcore title, and some tightass Brit interviewer who looks like he hasn't been laid since "Live-Aid"
-LIVE... (well, all things being equal) shot of Lance Storm DEMANDING a shot at Rection's US title tonight... NOW, IN FACT!!!!
-Sanders gave him the shot. Why not? No one's gonna get the PPV anyway.
-Then Scott Steiner rolled by. Sanders had him sign something dealing with "anger management", or something... Steiner wanted to know who gave him Sting as a partner. Sanders had no clue. Steiner said he was going to find out. Didn't Flair just announce that it was RANDOM??? EXCUSE ME?????
-See? We LIE!!! IT'S ALL WE DO!!!!!
-By the way, now that America has Minnie Driver... WE AIN'T GIVING HER BACK!!!!!!!
-Oh, I'd like to do her doggy style with a giant hunk of Walrus tusk.
-Big Vito comes out. I'm sure not a single Londoner was all that impressed that he was from Staten Island
-We see how Crowbar became Hardcore champion.
-Crowbar came out. Vito gets busy right off with some stick shots.
-who are we supposed to be cheering?
-ah.. yes.. we are supposed to cheer the mighty FAST FORWARD BUTTON!!!!
-Crowbar won a LOOOONG match after Reno interfered. I swear, if Tenay keeps up that BLATANTLY PHONY level of intensity, his head will explode. Hell, MY head will explode if he keeps it up.
-Of course, this match was just part of WCW's periodic attempt to get themselves over as the TRUE hard core company of Sports Entertainment.
-Kevin Nash is casually strolling about backstage. Come to think of it... I've never seen Nash do ANYTHING other than stroll casually. That's why he's so freakin COOL!!!
-Tony swears that even if you are stranded in London, 1-800-Collect will get you home! A few misplaced dials, and 1-900-Colleen will get you to mess your pants in a NASTY way
-Mean Gene made it past customs and grabbed Bam Bam Bigelow and Mike Awesome for a chat. Awesome and Bigelow bickered a lot, but eventually decided to work together for the time being. I believe it will be quite safe to assume that each and every "random" tag team pair will have the exact same conversation.
-The Natural Born Thrillers come out. We see how Coach Nash was put out to pasture.
-Tony and Tenay scream, "SCREWJOB!!! SWERVE!! HOW DARE THEY PIDDLE ON THE GREAT LEGACY OF KEVIN Nash!!!!" (Nash is a Face again? He must have a T-SHIRT TO SELL!!!!!! WE ARE BEING SUCKERED, YET AGAIN!!!!! AND WE LIKE IT!!!!!!)
-Stevie was like, "Damn, you guys didn't see it coming? I knew all along!" (ahh, where the greats like Stevie and Scaia be without the gift of "20/20 hindsight"?)
-Sanders gets on the stick and announced that the ballots have been counted and the NBT's were voted "Winners of the Greatest Achievement in Pulling Off The Biggest Swerve in History". Tony, of course, with a line more obvious than the worst Patterson throwaway I could possible come up with, demanded a recount. (Could you Brits maybe DETAIN him or something?)
-Sander says that the term, "Bigger, Badder, Less Brains" (huh?) is not ALWAYS the case... see, former Coach Kevin Nash is the Master Manipulater... a top political rabble rouser who will use head games OR physical bullying to get what he wants. And he ALWAYS gets what he wants...
-That is... until last week, when Big Sexy hit a "Roadblock" and discovered that he was... (Kids start begging your parents for this t-shirt NOW)... "S.O.L".
-"And you know what that means"
-WAAW WAAW WAAW
-Stevie, "I don't get it"
-Stasiak takes the mic. Tony asks for silence so we can HEAR THE VICIOUS BOOS!!! (The closest thing to an actual boo among the silence was one bloke shouting, " 'E LOOKS LIKE A BLOOMIN' BUM SHAGGER, HE DOES!!!"
-Stasiak called Nash the "sharpest knife in the drawer"... but that doesn't mean he can't fall victim to "evolution". It's just the Future.
-Stasiak went for the cue line, "how do you like us NOW, Coach?"
-Which brings out Kevin Nash, who I'm SURE will put these kids IN THEIR PLACES!!! COME ON KEVIN, ONE MORE KILLER MIC SPOT JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT!!!!!
-let's see... will it be "First off"? Or will it be, "Let me tell you something"? Or might he tease us at first before rolling out the old, reliable, "YOU KNOWWWWW"? PLACE YER BETS!!!
-Nash, "Do you hear that boys? It sounds to me, like I'm a long way from being extinct!" (ahhh... Dealer takes a hit as Lady Luck shows off her FANGS!!!!!... umm... does anyone have the slightest f-ing clue what I am going on about?)
-Nash, "You want to talk evolution? Well, you know WHAT, Guys? Don't you know that you can count me OUT!!!" (then... very quietly, Nash said, "innn"... which of course, sent orders over to California to a little prison in San Quentin were Charlie Manson received the message loud and clear and started to plot... oh yes... we haven't heard the ast of Chucky M... oh no... oh no indeed!
-HELTER SKELTER MUTHAFU**AS!!!!!!!! WE'LL ALL HAVE BLISTERS ON OUR FINGERS BEFORE IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE!!!!!!!!!
-Nash said that a combustion engine ran on gasoline... but the NTB's thought they could be "pole position" at the Indy 500 (er... whazzitsnow?)
-The NTB's learned a LOT from the Coach... out like the great Apollo Creed once said... "You fight great, but I'm a Great Fighter"
-Sanders got on the mic and offered Stasiak, Palumbo, and O'Hare in a Four Corners match with Nash?
-Nash had no problems with that. Tenay made me ACTUALLY MISS MARK MADDEN BY SCREAMING, "THAT'S NOT A FOUR WAY MATCH!!! THAT IS IS HANDICAPPED MATCH!!!" (Why can't Tenay F-ing DIE ALREADY!!!! CAN'T HIS LIVER EXPLODE?????)
-Nash wrapped up by saying that although it's obviously going to end up being a huge dog pile... he will make it a POINT to procure Stasiak's ASS before the night is out!!
-Stasiak, of course, was all, "Whaa? What did I do?"
-yeah, that ended things.
-Okerlund had Sting. Sting said that it's Showtime (folks) and when the dust settles, it'll be him standing there and yadda yadda yadda and if Steiner had a brain in his head he'll learn to put aside the crazy act and work as a cohesive unit and blah blah blah
-Flex Mentallo tried to make time with Miller's woman. Miller through a cup of coffee at him. and just like that, it was Tupac vs Biggie, WCW STYLE!!!!!
-Mike Awesome came out.
-Bam Bam Bigelow came out. He gained some weight.
-Scott Steiner came out.
-Tony broke script (and MAJOR CHARACTER) by promising that the only thing Disqo and Alex Wright will be winning tonight will be will be a good case of Gonorrhea if they try shagging some British floozy after the show tonight.
-Sting came out. Bigelow and Awesome jumped Steiner right away. Sting ran in.
-Steiner and Sting displayed the type of SOLID TEAMWORK YOU CAN ONLY GET FROM TWO HARD WORKING PROFESSIONALS WHO HAVE SET ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES FOR A SHOT AT THE BRASS RING OF PROFESSIONAL WRES... oh N-word PLEASE!!!!!!!
-Just MY luck... as soon as Steiner and Sting clear the ring... they start going at it... because you JUST CAN'T PUT THAT KIND OF BLOODLUST FOR EACH OTHER'S HEART ASIDE!!!!!
-They got their act together long enough to dispose of the Bam/Awesome unit. Which, of course, meant that Bam Bam and Awesome were more than welcome to go at it, afterwards.
-commercials. I am ignoring the Goldberg book ads out of general principle. IF GOLDBERG DOES NOT GO INTO DETAILS ABOUT HOW HE INVENTED WRESTLING 3 YEARS AGO, I WILL SUCKLE 5 OF DUSTY THE FAT BITTER PUSSY'S 8 NIPPLES!!
-of course, I have to FIND the gu..err... CAT first.
-Jimmy Hart... radio challenge... I am STILL seeing red streaks dance across my closed eyes after popping a vein over that HOMO Mancow BULLSHIT last week... so, for the sake of... well, everybody... I will skip this and go direxctly to my SPECIAL MOP-UP GUEST STAR!!!!! WHOEVER YOU ARE... COME ON OUT!!!!
-TB: Yo Man, what's up!
-HY: Oh my God!! It's the STAR OF DIFF'RENT STROKES, TODD BRIDGES!!
-TB: How'ya doing! Got my money?
-HY: Money? I thought we agreed that I'll send you a check?
-TB: Yo, f**k that check sh**, man. I agreed to do this appearance so I can get paid. Now where my money at?
-HY: Okay, here's your twenty. Now, how are you, Todd? Everyone wants to know what has the great Todd Bridges been up to?
-TB: Todd Bridges has been up to getting his rent paid, mothaf**ka, and you owe me another ten.
-HY: I only have three singles left Todd, sorry.
-TB: No problem man, I'll come back for the other seven later. WHAT UP KIDS AND MOVIE PRODUCERS, THIS IS TODD BRIDGES!! I AM CLEAN! I AM SOBER! AND I AM READY TO WORK!
-HY: That's great, Todd. Be sure to put my watch back on the counter before you leave.
-TB: Oh, I'll hold onto this bitch 'till you hook me up with the rest of my seven bills. Hey, can everybody read this?
-HY: It's the Internet, Todd, the whole WORLD can see you!
-TB: Great! HEY WHAT UP DRE STYLE? WHAT UP TYRESE! T-BRIDGE IS IN DA' HOOOOOOUUUUUSE!!
-HY: Friends of yours?
-TB: Nah, I'm just doing some business. Stay where you be at, Dre Style, I got some money! I'll get'cha back in about 10 minutes, yo!
-HY Todd, how is your career doing? Any big time movies lined up?
-TB: Well, now I'm in a very lucrative end of the business, working BEHIND the scenes!
-HY: Oh? Are you directing?
-TB: Sh*t no, Tramp, I'm selling bootlegged copies of movies on 5th and Madison! Yo man, how much could you get for this computer?
-HY: About three grand, I guess.
-TB: I see... you keep a spare key to the Apartment around?
-HY: Under my mat, why?
-TB: Peace, man.. just axing is all, aw'ight?
-HY: Fine. Todd, do you keep in touch with Gary Coleman at all?
-TB: Aw man, that little n(BLEEP) be all up in hisself.
-HY: Whatever do you mean?
-TB: I offered him my Kidney for only about a hundred dollars, and the little brother said NO! He laid some bullsh*t about how it's too big and how they don't match. I just think the Jew hating pu**y didn't want to throw a Brother some spare change.
-HY: WAIT A SECOND... GARY COLEMAN WAS ANTI-SEMITE??
-TB: No, man.. I said he hated the Jews. Far as I know, he has nothing against Semen.
-HY: What makes you think he hated the Jews?
-TB: Bitch, you deaf or what? You ever hear him say that famous line of his?
-HY: You mean "What'choo talkin 'bout, Willis"?
-TB: Yeah man, "What JEW talkin' 'bout"?
-HY: Oh my God
-TB: Sheeeit man, clean out them ears. Hell, I'll do it for $50.
-HY: No thanks
-TB: Get some nice Q-Tips. I'll clean them out nice for ya. $50
-TB: Okay, $5. I'm really hurtin', man.
-TB: Aw'ight then, F*** you then. Hey, got any food?
-HY: Maybe in my pantry cubbard
-Bridges goes over to the Cubbard
-TB: Yo, what's this?
-HY: It's my can of salt.
-TB: Bullsh*t, you've been dogging me, fool. This is some fine Columbian cocaine!
-HY: Umm, no Todd, it's salt. You can tell by the "Sweet Life" label.
-TB: Bitch, you be holdin' out on me.
-HY: DAMMIT TODD, IT'S TABLE SALT!!!
-TB: Yeah, okay! And I'm Jimmy Walker!
-Todd dumps salt in his hand and snorts deeply
-TB: ARRRRRGH!!!! GOD DAMN!!!! MOTHAF**KA BE CLOWNIN' ME!!!
-HY: I told you it was... TODD STOP!!!
-TB: TRAMP FOOL!!! I'LL BUST A CAP IN THIS PLACE!!!
-Bridges starts trashing my apartment.
-HY: STOP IT TODD!!!! STOP IT OR I'LL CALL THE COPS!!1
-TB: Now why you be wanting to get the MAN involved? Hey, you want this coffee maker?
-TB: Okay, then I'll just borrow it then. And your stereo. And your TV. And your VCR. And your Microwave.
-HY: Fine... just take them and GO!
-TB: Hey, before I leave, can I throw a shout out?
-HY: Go ahead!
-TB: Anyone want me for some acting work, or janitorial duties, you can reach my Agent, Murray Steinheim in his Office in Tijuana, Mexico... just a few dozens miles over the border.
-HY: You're Agent works in Tijuana? Mexico?
-TB: No man, Tijuana, Nebraska... OF COURSE HE'S IN MEXICO!!
-HY: How can a Hollywood Agent work in Mexico?
-TB: He's got some problems with the L.A. Police department.
-HY: Such as?
-TB: Parking tickets, bitch, aw'ight? Better step off with all 'dis interrogating.
-HY: What other clients does he have?
-TB: You know the Life cereal commercial with that little bitch, Mikey?
-HY: Yeah? Your Agent handles MIKEY?
-TB: Sh*t no, he handles the other kid who said, "I'mmmm not gonna try it!"
-HY: I see. Well, it's been nice talking to you Todd. Be sure to bring all my stuff back!
-TB: Huh? Oh, now I have to BRING IT BACK? I thought you said I could have it?
-HY: I never said...
-TB: WAIT... I hear sirens... I gotta go!
-HY: That's just an Ambulance
-TB: Later dogs!! I'm available for ANYTHING!!
-HY: Good night Todd!
-TB: Man, you gonna eat this pizza?
-HY: You mean the one that's been in the garbage for the last three days? It's got chewing tobacco spit all over it.
-TB: Sheeit, Brother's gotta eat, don' he?
-HY: It's yours!
-TB: PEACE OUT, EVERYBODY!!!
-HY: THE GREAT TODD BRIDGES, EVERYONE!!!
-well, that was... long
-BUT interesting. Thank GOD I decided to take my car keys in with me tonight.
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Meanwhile, Disqo and Wright ask Kronik if they want to purchase their tag team spot against Steiner and Sting. Kronik says, "Look, Jerky... we are the REAL Acolytes!! So we will fight Steiner and Sting, but YOU have to pay US!!" Disq agreed... Wright argued a little... not too much, though. It would probably be best if "Das Wunderkind" avoided the London crowd as much as he could.
-wait a second... what's that noise outside my...
-HEY YOU!!! GET AWAY FROM MY CAR!!! THE STEREO DOESN'T EVEN WORK!!! GET AWAY!!! SHOO!!! SHOO!!!!
-The Filthy Animales bitch to Flair about Kronik getting involved. Flair said he'll take care of it.
-Booker T told Okerlund that he does NOT trust Luger, but blah blah blah unit... group... work together... drama... mama... playa... games... smell... book... cooking...yaaa... boo
-RIC FOLEY tells DISQEGE and WRISTIAN that they WILL work tonight... no matter what stunts they try to pull. (THOSE F-ING A-HOLES!!!! THIS IS WHY THE WAR IS F-ING OVER!!! DO THEY REALLY THINK EVEN THE DUMBEST AVERAGE DVD POSTER CAN'T SEE RIGHT THROUGH THIS??????? THIS RIP-OFF!!! I EXPECTED SO MUCH MORE FROM FLAIR!! BUT HE'S JUST AS LAME ASS WEAK AS EVERYONE ELSE!!!!)
-Hugh Rection says that Lance Storm will die tonight. The rest of the MIA agree. AWALL called him a homo, essentially
-Hugh claimed to have the fans behind him. The problem is, he's going one way and they are RUNNING the other way.
-ahh, I should be nicer... it's the only spot of originality WCW seems capable of having... since Benoit isn't really playing up the Canadian aspect of his character.
-Moments ago, even the BATTLEDOME crew, who apparently FLEW ALL THE WAY TO LONDON TO JAM WITH WCW STARS, were frightened and intimidated by the Dark Chylde DILLENGER!!!
-ah... for those of you who DON'T know (it HAS been a while, after all), I have DOCUMENTED PROOF, FACTS, AND HARD DATA that shows Doug Dillenger, HEAD of WCW Security, is in fact.. none other than... the ANTICHRIST!!!! It's true, it's true!
-Look for Dillenger to play a BIG role in an upcoming AAT titled, "What Would Jesus Do? (WCW)"... the SEQUEL to Slash Wrestling's MOST POPULAR COLUMN EVER... "What Would Jesus Do? (WWF)"... coming soon, to 411!
-well come on... you REALLY think Dartmouth Dan Doomsday lit up Slash?
-oh, and WCW wrestlers ran in and a brawl erupted. Yaw... I say... YAWN
-Kronik came out. Tenay declared that he peeked at the end of the script and saw that they would win the WHOLE thing! Brian Adams will end the year as WCW champion! Tony called Tenay a "filthy drunk". Tenay screamed, "I'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM!!" and ran off in tears. Stevie said, "I thought we weren't allowed to say that phrase, Tony?" Tony said, "Oh, F-it!" and reached for the rest of Tenay's Gin. This is one F-ED UP SHOW!!!!
-Luger came out. I SWEAR he's gotten fatter.
-Booker came out.
-This is the tag team match. The winner jobs to Steiner anmd Sting... so basically, we will get a replay of Steiner/Booker on the Monday after Mayhem... but again, if a wrestling match occurs, and no one orders it... did it REALLY happen?
-Kronik took control, using their YEA... MONTHS OF EXPERIENCE!!
-But, Luger is one powerful hombre.
-BUT... a Kronik piledriver took down even the mighty Flexy.
-Booker snuck in with a spin kick that knocked down Kronik.
-Booker was tagged legit.
-Now we see if Madden is fired or not... if we get an acknowledged "Spinerooni"
-We didn't... instead, we got Booker stopping an attempted pin on Luger, then trying a Book End, but getting whacked by a sneaky Scott Steiner with a long pipe... Booker went down and Kronik won.
-Kronik told Okerlund that... well... just keep in mind that theirs is NOT the spark of colorful mic work and you can figure out the bare bones of what they said all on your own.
-Now, the trick is to figure out what the F**K *I* just said.
-It is 6:01 in the pm. I promised Ashish that both columns will be posted by 6. HAW!!! GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!
-The three Thrillers came out.
-Nash came out.
-Will he start off with a KNEE LIFT, a LIFTED KNEE, or an ELEVATED JOINT BETWEEN THE THIGH AND THE SHIN????
-We get a collar to collar tie up, followed by a Nash Clothesline! (Jeezus, can't win JACK tonight)
-Nash tossed around Palumbo.
-Then we got the knee lifts in the corner.
-O'Hare got in and went to work.
-Stasiak ran in and swung away.
-Pin attempt afer a Flying Elbow... and since Nash gives out Flying Elbows about as much as Hookers give free fellatio... you can figure out who did what here.
-Nash took abuse... bounced back... cleaned house... was about to Jackknife Stasiak... was hit by a BEAUTIFUL Flying Clothesline from Jindrak... cleaned even MORE house... popped Sanders in the mush with his boot... lifted Sanders up for the Powerbomb... was hit by a BEAUTIFUL Flying Clothesline from Jindrak... got tuned up... anyone paying attention?
-The Cat... Flix... who cares?
-Goldberg thrilled the British crowd by spanking Disqo and Wright. Tony pointed out that this was Britian's first up close and personal look at the Big Guy. So, their awe was perfectly acceptable. I mean, hell.. they're BRITISH... of COURSE they will gape at the AMERCAN MACHINE!!
-Tenay is apparently under the impression that they are still under orders to pretend that an Goldberg appearance is akin to Christ bouncing off the Cross and telling Pontious Pilate that he just pissed off the WRONG HOMBRE
-The match went longer than a minute... that was pretty much the only surprise.
-Steiner told Okerlund that he is a lone wolf in a room full of... of... oh, he's an idiot.
-Lance Storm came out. I sort of hope he lectures the Brits
-Storm asked if he can be serious for a minute... which really is a great opener.
-He said that he has no time to waste tonight, with RAW rolling along and picking up ratings point, after ratings point each segment... he just wants to get this going before even HE turns the channel as he sits at home watching this pre-taped show.
-The Canadian National Anthem gets a few seconds before Hugh American with Gunnsy comes out. I suddenly realize the utter PREPOSTEROUSNESS (???) of having an American and a Canadian defend they honor of their respective COUNTRIES while on a completely different CONTINENT!!
-Hug-a-Moroness powered Storm around some as Tony and Steveie agreed that people will come from THOUSANDS OF MILES for a glimpse of Major Gunns. (why not just watch Cinemax all night? She'll show up.)
-Stevie admitted to having a "flagpole" for a pecker... Tenay offered to raise his flag. Stevie punched him right in the face.
-It spilled outside and Storm took control.
-It didn't take long for Team Canada ahnd the MIA to get involved. It also didn't take long for it to go away.
-Then Major Gunns turned HEEL and handed Storm some Brass Knuckles... or maybe it was a roll of coins... quite frankly, I haven't the energy to budge my finger three inches to my remote sitting next to this keyboard and press the rewind button to double check.
-Storm puts the Maple Leaf on Rection... Rection CALLS UPON THE WILL, THE SPIRIT, AND THE DREAMS OF MILLIONS OF AMERICAN ACROSS THE POND TO SUMMON THE STRENGTH AND BATTLE OUT OF IT!!! FIGHT THROUGH THE PAIN RECTION!!!! FIGHT FOR CRIPPLED AMERICAN AIDS PATIENTS WITH DOWN'S SYNDROME EVERYWHE...
-Gunns threw in the towel and cost Morrus the match. Gunns is a BAD GIRL!!!
-Of course, Tenay led the hyperbole overload by acting like JFK just returned from the dead and was a full-on Commie bastard/Pedofile
-Storm grabbed the belt AND the babe and got the hell out of there.
-oh... and it was a pretty good swerve too. Well done. Smells like Taylor's handiwork.
-Major Gunns pulls off her American bra to reveal a Canadian bra. Watch the sweat FLY off Okerlund's head. She's still not all that bright, but now she's with a Country more SUITED for none-too-bright people (heh)
-Kronik walked out.
-Steiner came out with Lippy girl. Stevie said that if he were a betting man, he'd bet on Steiner... "but you know I don't make much money, Tony."
-Tenay, so drunk he didn't even realize what he said..."You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, STEVIE!!!" (what a DINKWAD!!!!)
-Sting was out. Steiner's Bim joined the Announcers. She brought NOTHJING to the table, (hmmph... sign her to a ten year contract then!)
-Kronik and Sting went at it... Sting took a Piledriver... then was hoisted up and Gorilla Slammed
-Sting rebounded... and in a REALLY cool move, he jumped straight up... and hooked Kronik's head around his arm on his way back down for a "Jumping DDT"... AWESOME!!!
-Steiner was tagged in with the other Kronik. They rumbled.
-Tony asked Lippychick, "How do you... control Steiner's RAGE?" THAT'S IT, I'M HITTING MUTE!!!!
-Steiner and Kronik fought outside... Sting hit the Splash twice and went for the Deathlock... Kronik ran in and stopped it.
-Steiner knocked one of them down and went foer the Recliner. The other one stopped it. They hit the Full Nelson Drop AND the Double Chokeslam.
-Steiner's bim, hit the ring apron. Kronik 1 walked over to her. She swung. He caught it and laughed... so she hit him with the other one (DUUUH!!!)
-Sting ended up winning with a pin. Steiner hit him with a chair. Booker ran out and knocked out Steiner with a chair. Then he knocked out STING for the hell of it.
-The show ended with Booker looking MEAN!! (Well, you would be mad too if you spent an entire trip to Britain explaining to every wanker that you never met Lennox Lewis)
Oh man... I SO wanted to hand the goddam thing over to a Madden-less Nitro... and they REALLY DID deliver a waaay cool show...
But F-ing Tenay... that drunk.... piece of.... doody!!!
Is it THAT HARD TO GET A DECENT ANNOUNCE TEAM???? JEEZUS H CHRISTMAS
But... RAW is getting SOFT... sooo
WHATEVER you have in your VCR right at this very minute... well, THAT wins the week... okay?
Good. And thanks to Todd Bridges for stopping by.
Wow... it feels weird to be all finished with the column before "Buffy" and "Angel"...
Anywhoo, closer time.
Alright, now I am NOT one of CRZish hippie freaks, but I have NO qualms with the OCCASIONAL tryst with the Godless Ho named "Mary Jane Juana". VERY occasional... and under the right conditions. In other words, UNLIKE certain 17 year old teenage sluts I know, don't do this when you have to go to class early in the morning.
411 doesn't condone it either... well, not PUBLICLY... but YOU try listening to Murtz Jaffer bitch about everything with a clear head.
Anyway, I thought that I might give you some help expanding your mind while sitting around with friends and getting all friendly with a nice big bong filled with some of Jamaica's finest. In between mad bouts of inane giggling, the mood sometimes gets pensive. Then you start to contemplate life, the universe, and our role in it. Well, while you and your buds are in this mood, I give you...
BONGWATER COOLER CONVERSATION STARTERS:
1) Let's start with a simple Religious question. Can God create a mountain that he cannot lift? Well... yes, because God can create anything. BUT... NO, because God is supposed to be everything and nothing, so there is NO mountain he cannot lift, not even one made by him... YET, then by that logic... if God canNOT create the unliftable Mountain, then he is LIMITED!!! YET, if God CAN create a mountain and CANNOT lift it... then he is STILL LIMITED!! THUS, God is FALLIBLE!! THUS, GOD CANNOT EXIST!!!
2) Sex & The City. Hot show. I'm sure everyone has seen at least one episode, or at least heard of it. Well, try this on for size: Every episode revolves around a column that Sarah Jessica Parker's character "Carrie" has written or is writing. Thus, it is POSSIBLE that at the very end of the very last show of the season, it will be revealed that the ENTIRE SERIES was just FIGMENT of "Carrie's" imagination and never ACTUALLY happened. Now here's the rub... I submit to you that at the very end of the very last show, we will learn that "Carrie's" four friends are MERELY ASPECTS OF HER OWN CHARACTER!!!. Think about it, "Carrie" has really no character on the show, so I suspect that Kim Catrall's "Samantha", the older sex machine just looking for a stiff one, is "Carrie's ID", the Brunette girl, named "Charlotte", who is a naive, young romantic that still believes in old fashion courtship, plays "Carrie's Ego", and the Red Headed girl, (whose name I can't remember, even character wise), who plays the successful lawyer who likes a stiff one AND likes her independence, represents "Carrie's Super Ego". All three of her friends are just aspects of "Carrie". Chew on THAT awhile!
3) I've discussed this in the past, but it fits perfectly here... Joel Shumacher touched it a little when Val Kilmer was in the role, but when George Clooney made Batman & Robin, Shumacher went all out and transformed the entire Batman story into one giant Gay Utopia! BRUCE and DICK OPERATE IN A LARGE CAVERNOUS ORIFICE at the END of bright, colorful, happy, pastel ladened Gotham City where they sometimes don TIGHT, RUBBER COSTUMES that have ARTIFICAL MUSCLES, ENHANCED NIPPLES, AND EXTRA LARGE CODPIECES!!! In this Gay Gotham, EVERYONE is a happy, freewheeling Flaming Homo. So, it's natural that the two villians are "Mr Freeze", cold, republican, totally hetero VILLIAN who wants to save his poor wife, and put a DEEP CHILL over of gay, happy denizens of Gotham. Then there is POISON IVY... who is ANOTHER hetero slut who can ONLY MAKE THE GAY MEN OF GOTHAM want her by blowing some sort of evil magical "dust" on them. And, of course, should a gay Gothamite get a KISS from this staright babe, he DIES!! Of course, she has BANE with her... who is the classic, DUMB, MACHO, FAT straight guy whom this HUSSY leads around by the nose!! Unlike normal GAY folks, Bane is all anger, rage, and EVIL... all because he likes women!! Finally, Alicia Silverstone's "Batgirl"... a classic lesbian who is fiercly independant and just wants to be ONE OF THE BOYS... THIS is what Shumacher did with Gotham. Anyone want to know why? Well, I'd tell you but... he hasn't exactly revealed any secrets "officially".
4) Just how "close" were Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street? Is Oscar a "Grouch" because he is basically a homeless drunk living in garbage? What sex is "Big Bird"? And why weren't there any BLACK "Muppets"?
5) You've heard of the game "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"? Well, I give you "Eight Degrees of Winona Laying". I SUBMIT that you can connect EVERY MAN, WOMAN, OR CHILD ON THE PLANET to someone who's had sex with Winona Ryder by no more than EIGHT people.
6) FINALLY... Time Travel does NOT exist nor will it EVER exist... because if it WAS possible, then SOMEONE from the future would have come into the past and tried to change history! OR... Time Travel DOES exist, and we are living in an alternate reality... and in our ORIGINAL reality, we would be living under a global NAZI ORDER because Hitler would have won.
There you go... MORE than enough brain food to work on while all mellowed out. I promise you HOURS of zoning out. Spark 'em up, put a little Floyd on the CD player, and EXPAND YOUR MINDS!!!!
Or, drink a case of Cherry Wheat with friends, skip all these bullshit questions, and go straight to throwing flaming toilet papers at someone's house (or apartment complex), then break into their cars and piss all over the front seats and dashboard... that works too.
I suppose I'm all done here too. Suddenly, I have a huge case of the munchies. See, this is my problem... I go from being straight RIGHT to craving munchies and totally bypass the pot middleman... dammit.
I'm going away now. Let's see who else retires this week that I can take credit for.
Screw yoos all
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