Mop-Up RAW 11.13.00
Hey Hyatte, First SS leaves, now Scott Keith's Apartment burns down! I bet Scaia's just shi**ing his pants right about now.
Heh heh heh... HAW!! Funny.
He's gone. Thank you
Matt Plunk email@example.com
Hello, I'm Chris and ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!!!!
Okay, for those of you who don't know, Sean Shannon has apparently handed the Rantsylvania site over to Scott Keith in full, who in turn handed the webmaster reigns over to... oh who cares? Why even keep Rantsylvania around anyway? It's not like there would be this giant HOLE online without them. It's not like there's any sort of tradition there. Scott Keith posts all his stuff on Wrestleline anyway... besides, let's face it... the only reason TO go to RS was to watch Sean do or say something totally Seanny.
The point is that Sean Shannon has apparently left Internet Wrestling for good. I've gotten a few e-mails asking if I should get credit for this.
Actually, nope. I really shouldn't. Anyone who stuck with me long enough can tell you, not ONCE did I ever wish Sean off the Net. Not once did I EVER promise never to stop until he leaves the Internet forever. No, that was HIM talking about ME. I don't care who comes online... well, other than Scaia... ooo, I wish I could hire a 400 pound black man to ram Scaia's head through his monitor screen every time he thinks about going online. But that's another story.
So, naaah, I don't want the credit. Corino deserves some... CRZ deserves a TINY, TINY AMOUNT, Luke Johnston can get a piece, and you readers deserve the MAJORITY.
Oh, and Sean played a huge part in this too. My best guess is that he wanted to be the "Internet Heel", but like everything else, it proved too damn much for him.
Note to CRZ: I guess he elected to get off the pot.
HEY... how f-ing mean would I be if I decided NOW to post that little piece of medical business I have on him? Stomp on the dog while it's down.
Well.. what the hell.. here it is...
Help: by seanshannon (WebMD), 1/6/0 02:04:33. This is going to require a lot of explanation up-front, so here goes: My name is Sean Shannon. While I do hope one day to make a career of my songwriting, currently I am working as a Website designer to pay the bills.
While my interest in professional wrestling has never been that great, somehow when I first stumbled on the Internet back in 1994, I found it was an area in which I could contribute a lot in terms of analysis and opinion. This has led to me working on a number of professional wrestling Websites, as well as starting up a couple of my own. One of the sites I currently run is called "The New World Wide Web Order," or simply the nWWWo. The nWWWo is, in structure, a parody of the New World Order (or nWo), the name given to a group of wrestlers in the World Championship Wrestling (WCW) promotion. Late in 1998, WCW sent me two cease and desist orders, telling me that I had to stop using the nWWWo name and logo because I was infringing on their copyright of the nWo. I knew that WCW didn't have a case against me because my use of the nWo was allowed under the parody clauses of Fair Use doctrine, but WCW is owned by Time-Warner, and could have kept me in court for the rest of my life is they so chose. While I don't want to get into the exact details of my finances, let's just say I'm not what you would call well-off...
Naah... why bother. Besides, he could have stopped me cold by simply POSTING THE THING HIMSELF. But he was never much of a Chess player, obviously.
Come on... admit it... more than a FEW of you were thinking, "Oh My God that sonofabitch is going to DO IT!!"... heh... geeks.
FINALLY... and you can trust me on this... he'll be back. He'll breeze on back, announce that he feels much better, give some sort of all important "State of Sean Shannon" address where he promises to never back down from anyone ever again... and it'll start all over. Trust me. This is his whole entire life... he ain't dropping it so quickly. That's why I won't be doing any "Farewell" closers for him. He'll be back.
Yes, even on the Net, it's ALL a work.
This is the Mop-Up, by the way.
This week's closer is for my Pot Head friends out there. If you MUST suck from the all important BONG, then I have 6 topics of intriguing conversation that are sure to "spark" some wild debate and argument while your heads are all fogged up and you're mellowing out under the stars. Hey, ol' Hyatte knows that sometimes, a good bull session with the weed makes for one Hell of a night... so I'm giving you a few conversation starters that are sure to bend those stoned brains even more so.
This week's And Another Thing is a bit of... well. It's tough to explain. I think it's one of my best columns ever. The weird thing is, I came across the idea while doing a little freestyle writing. I think what I finally came up with rocks. Check it out right here
Okay... I'll touch on this whole Election mess briefly, for no reason other than I WANT TO!!! GO F-YOURSELVES!!!!
At this point, I really don't care who wins. I've always supported GW here simply because I believe Gore is 100% artificial (Touch Football, my ASS!!!), but in all reality... it doesn't really matter who gets it. The Country will swim along just as it always has.
Bush's people said it best, though, "Gore's people just want to keep counting the votes until they get a result they like!"
BUT... right now, everyone is screaming about those West Palm Beach ballots that were for Gore or were double punched by all the old biddies who ran in there, punched the wrong hole while gossiping with their condo neighbor, then shot right out to make their 2:00 P.M. Bridge game before it gets too late. Look at the ballots, morons... the arrows for Gore and Buchanon are LARGE, CLEAR, AND FACING EACH OTHER!!! The Ballots, although technically illegal, were EASILY DECIPHERABLE IF GIVEN A LITTLE EFFORT.
As far as the double punch goes... hey, too bad. You had your chance, you blew it. Better luck next year.
Look, last week, I bought a Powerball ticket. You know how small those numbers on the card are, right? Well, I quickly filled in my numbers and got the ticket.
Well, turns out the winning number were ALL THE NUMBERS I WANTED TO PUT DOWN... BUT I GOT CONFUSED AND MARKED THE WRONG NUMBERS!!!
So, I am suing the Powerball Lottery, because the numbers I picked REALLY DID WIN, but because the card was so small, I ended up marking the wrong ones. It was an honest mistake, why should it cost me millions?
You tell me... should I get another chance to hit last week's Powerball number? Do I have a case?
Of course I don't. But THAT is basically what these West Palm Beach idiots are screaming for. They want another chance at last week's Powerball.
Thus ends my sermon on politic worms
Finally, Wade Keller is an asshole. Oh sure, the Torch LOOKS about as professional as a site gets... and they do NOT mess around with other web people... and Keller TRIES to act legitimate... but he's just a big a C-SUCKER as the rest of them.
Of course, there's the fact that he never ONCE apologized or said ANYTHING about the Fu**head who sent in one of my AAT columns as his own... there was that...
... and now, over the weekend, Keller posted SCOTT HALL'S CUSTODY RIGHTS WITH HIS CHILDREN!!!! Keller detailed just how much time Hall gets with his kids, how he can talk to his wife over the phone, where he can pick them up, when he has to drop them off, and how he is not allowed to take drugs or drink in front of them. Every stinking detail, Keller happily posted.
WHAT A GODDAM PIECE OF SH*T!!! WADE KELLER IS A SCUMF**KING BAG OF MONGREL SEMEN!!!!
This was NONE of our business... none of KELLER'S business... and certainly was NOT news worthy. This was just some Hershey Highway riding loser who gets off on out "scooping" other web guys and looking so all mighty important.
Oh, and yes, Ashish ALSO mentioned this... but he just said that Hall lost full-custody rights. he did NOT go into details. Keller did. He is a truly pathetic person.
Maybe I should get going now. I've done enough openers... I'm already tired, and thoroughly disgusted...
RAW IS WAR: (Road Dogg? Sweet God NO!!!)
-WWF: One World, although Florida is STILL up for grabs.
-opening theme with TWO... count 'em... TWO shots of HHH giving someone the Pedigree. It's only a matter of time before someone in WCW rips that move off.
-Fireworks, loud fireworks, but not loud enough to quell the SCREAMING FANS THIRSTY FOR HOT WRESTLING EXCITMENT!!!!
-well I'll be damned. It is a word and it does fit.
-well I'll be damned, it's "excitement".
-Jim Ross tells us that the "Road to the Survivor Series" starts in "Columbus, Ohio". Home of the Columbus Zoo, Jack Hannah, and several douchebag Internet Writers.
-OHIO IS THE CAPITAL OF DOUCHEBAG INTERNET WRITERS!!!!!
-Scaia: Dayton, Shannon: Toledo, Jeff McGuinness: Somewhere in there... probably a few more jackoffs too.
-ALL THE COOL INTERNET WRITERS COME FROM RHODE ISLAND!!! Hyatte: Cumberland... and that's about it.
-Jack Hannah is the Zoo guy who goes on Letterman every couple of months... he always looks like he wants to punch Dave right in the face.
-But at least Letterman handles the animals with a "whatever happens, happens" style. I once saw Leno put a parrot on his shoulder, and keep it on for like... 3 segments. You just KNOW he was f-ing DYING for the bird to crap on his shoulder so he could have a "Carson-Moment".
-There were cameras at "WWF: New York". Whaa? What is Gabe Kaplan doing there? Or was that Ron Jeremy?
-Not necessarily "LOL" funny, BUT observational. Like Seinfeld.
-speaking of Seinfeld... has Al Isaacs retired from comedy? I haven't been to Scoops in months, does he still talk about gigs? Hell, has Al Isaacs retired from the Internet? What about Kirell? Samuda? ARE THEY DROPPING LIKE FLIES AGAINST ME??? ANYONE ELSE WANT TO GET CHASED OFF THE NET BY THE KING??
-apparently, Zach Arnold doesn't. He clammed right up after last week. Smart man.
-BIG sign glanced that read, "AMERICAN BAD ASS"... at the rate they are going, I expect them to soon start taping two hours earlier so they can scramble signs like that.
-Ross has a feeling that there will be a "trainwreck" tonight on RAW... someone get that 'Too-damn-lucky-in-life" bastard Bruce Willis on this train... see if he can survive a wreck WITHOUT that M. Knight Shamalamadingdong scripting it.
-by the way, the REAL secret to "The 6th Sense" was that Bruce Willis was alive and EVERYONE ELSE WAS DEAD!!!! NOW watch the movie and experience it anew!!!
-Kurt Angle came out. Someone's into the DOOBAGE backstage, judging from all the smoke back there. Scott Hall must be paying a visit.
-Speaking of smoke... Scott Ke... naah, forget it.
-Angle hit the ring. Ross says that Kurt's "days are numbered". Yes, ALL of our days are. It's called a CALENDER, fatass.
-oh, I know how weak that was. Shut Up.
-Jesus, Hall must be smoking a blunt the size of my pecker (BOOYAAA), LOOK at all the friggin' smog. Even I'M getting dizzy.
-Angle opens up by saying that he "enjoys the reputation of being NOT only the greatest, but the most fightingest WWF champ in RECENT history!" (well, that depends on whether we are in "Big Show WAS WWF Champ" mode, or "Big Show was NEVER WWF champ, and don't you DARE think otherwise because Vince knows all and we must all follow him blindly" mode)
-It's for this reason alone that Angle is taking on the Undertaker this Sunday... to prove that he is who he SAYS he is (Isn't that the basic plot to about.... FIVE Schwarzenegger films?)
-He is an Olympic Gold medalist, WWF champ, and a SUPERIOR athlete.
-He is ALSO going to prove that the "American Badass" is who HE says he is too... he is "Bad" AND he is "an Ass". (yeah well, by this time next week, he'll be tooling around on one of those scooters and calling himself the "American Bad PERSON"... as this company CONTINUES to give itself a good, PC scrubbing.)
-For now, though, Angle has decided to accept a challenge from an Individual who insists that he can take beat Angle with one arm tied around his back! (hey, that's how I primarily get laid! Well, except I have to tie BOTH hands behind her... and slip something I call a "happy pill" in her mouth... and then gag her... then use the Jaws of Life to get her legs apart... throw in a little KY in 'cause they're usually like a desert in there... you know, the usual)
-So, Angle calls out for his opponent...
-Out comes Crash Holly, with "Mona" from WCW... who is now Crash's "cousin", Molly.
-Jeezus H on a Popsicle stick. What is this company DOING?
-Crash came out with his hand tied around his back. He seems quite used to having one hand back there... covering and guarding his bum from any possible invasions. In the Locker room, they call it the "Pat Position".
-And so ends my ONE Patterson joke of the week!! Even though I decided to RETIRE all Patterson jokes a few weeks ago. F-IT!!! WHERE WOULD THE MOP-UP BE WITHOUT A GOOD PATTERSON JOKE??? WHAT KIND OF COLUMN COULD IT POSSIBLY BE????
-well, the words, "fresh", "new", and "original-for-once" spring to mind.
-Ross says Crash "upset" Angle on last night's Heat. I didn't see it. Who got to punk out Tazz THIS week?
-Angle tossed the one-armed youngster around. I a shocking development, millions of fans simultaneously wonder what's on Nitro at the moment? This was followed by millions of fans simultaneously marveling over the fact that they actually THOUGHT of Nitro for the first time this year.
-Crash didn't last long with the one arm. He freed himself and went after Kurt with both hands.
-Ross warned us about Angle's "bad side"... and that he might "snap"... yo, that bit didn't work with Ken Shamrock, and DAMN sure ain't gonna work on Angle.
-Angle hit Crash with a modified "FaceBuster", then wrapped him up with the "Ankle Lock". Crash tapped. Then Angle challenged Mike Tyson to a match. Then his Sister, Ryan Angle, came out for no apparent reason, then a drunk British Bulldog ran out and smeared dog food all over him. Then Angle publicly announced that he was taking a leave of absense to go shoot fight.
-oh, and in between, he grabbed a chair and whacked Crash with it. This brought out the returning...
-Bob "Hardcore" Holly, who charged the ring and attacked Angle. He paused for a sec, looked at "Molly" and asked, "Who the F**K are you supposed to be?" (Jeeze Hardcore, did you even GLANCE at the goddam script?)
-Edge and Christian ran out to attack Holly.
-Then the Undertaker ran out without his bike... well... he didn't exactly RUN... more like a healthy trot... a spirited gate... a leisurely lope... ak... the sumbitch WADDLED, OKAY????
-He chucked out both E & C. Then Angle took a swing at him. The UT laughed. Angle rolled out of the ring and took off. UT stood there and laughed. If you're anything like me, you stared at his protruding belly. If you're anything like me, you started to weep while doing so. If you're anything like me, you spend most of your time at home butt naked. If you're anything like me, every piece of furniture you own is covered with brown streaks.
-Backstage, a flip of the coin by Trish decided that Test will be tag teaming with Kane tonight. Albert laughed. Trish had to bend down to get the coin, which allowed T & A to cop a nice stare at her ass. Trish is one of those girls whom I have NOT masterbated to yet, but will once the "right moment" comes along. Just another example as to why I am totally tapped in the head. I have some SERIOUS issues with women. But, so didn't James Bond, so I'm in good company.
-but so doesn't half the goddam Internet... oh, I'm just as big a loser as all of them.
-Replay of what just happened
-Christian and Edge (Oh no, I'VE BROKEN THE SACRED RULE AND MISORDERED THEIR NAMES!!! NOW I'LL NEVER GET INTO MARK HEAVEN!!) ask Commish Foley if this was the "WWF" or the "WWTHMIF" (WAIT... "World Wrestler Tito Has a Mighty Index Finger"???)?
-No, Christian meant, "World What The Hell, More Interference Federation"? (well, I wasn't even close... well, I wasn't even funny, either. Jesus, maybe my apartment should have been the one to go up.)
-Angle was there as Edge bitched about the "heinostications" of the situation... (I just KNOW I spelled that one wrong!)
-Mick Foley was wearing a "Jim Ross BBQ Sauce T-shirt", you, my friend, truly own a huge set of balls, if you actually go out and buy that shirt, then actually WEAR IT! Christian grabbed the shirt front, with JR's face and told Foley, "Oh just look at your shirt and listen ", then mocked JR by pulling on his face and screaming, "INNERFERENCE!! INNERFERENCE!! OH MY GOD, INNERFERENCE!!"... (funny, but I still laughed harder at Ed Ferrera on Nitro screaming, "SLAP, SLAP, SLAP, SLAP!!!!")
-Ironically, it's the most sensation JR's face has gotten in the last two years
-Angle points out that if some Godless CZECH interfered with his Olympic Match against some Allah humping IRANIAN, it would cause mass controversy!!
-So, Foley rectified things by booking a big Six Man Match tonight with every single active wrestler we have seen so far tonight... plus the Undertaker (HAW!!!! HAHAHA!! Kinda liked that one myself!)
-Jericho's music came on
-Jericho came out. Last time someone had sideburns like that, he was soon found face down dead in a puddle of his own vomit in his bathroom at Gracie Mansion in Memphis, Tennesee. (NO, NOT THE HONKY TONK MAN, YOU STUPID, LOSER ASS MARKS!!!!!!)
-On his way to the ring, Jericho started to scarf down a Peanut Butter and Banana sandwich...DEAR GOD... THIS IS NOT A GOOD PATH TO GO DOWN!!!! SOMEONE SAVE JERICHO BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!
-We see Smackdown footage where Jericho mouthed off on Kane a bit. There was also some super-imposed action where he stuck a Kane mask on Britney Spears. (Let me break it down like this... Britney Spears claiming to be a virgin is about as realistic as me finally claiming to be Sean Shannon after all these years. Of course, *I* could pull it off, and wouldn't that just be the ULTIMATE head F**k?... but folks, it just ain't happening)
-I WAS going to say "... is about as realistic as NoSoul finally claiming to be the current Dusty the Fat, Bitter Cat..." but I had to throw down something more... improbable?
-and here comes the lecture.
-Jericho skipped the mic work. They must be late for time already.
-Blackman came out. More smoke from the backstage. Hall must have brought a garbage bag full of the ganja... Hall knows how to shmooze the locker room boys, by God.
-Test came out with Trish. At ringside, Trish ignored a front row sign that read, "I'D LAY DOWN FOR TRISH!!" Judging from the thinning hair and the gaunt body, this dude would lay down for her, mow her grass, wash her car with his tongue, and fellate her pet Pekinese for a kiss on the cheek. P-whipped BUTTFACE!!! BE A MAN AND STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!! FOR GOD'S SAKES!!! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO???
-oh crap... I forgot to run to the Jewelry store and pick up a necklace for Melissa. Tommorrow is the 5th month anniversary of the day we first talked over the phone for the fourth time. If I don't give her something to commemorate it, she'll kill me.
-Kane came out. Jericho charged out and attacked. Jericho wants to get this feud over with quickly. Get his ass right back into the world title picture.
-Ross, "Kane is a BITTER SOUL... a MORBID, MISERABLE, HUMAN BEING!!" (Plus, he apparently used to recap ECW for Wrestleline)
-Test took an early dump and the Jericho/Blackman team went to work on Kane. Kane ducked a double clothesline attemept, dropped Blackman with one of his own, and grabbed Jericho by the throat. Blackman stopped any planned slamming.
-Blackman ate a big Test boot as Kane tossed Jericho around outside.
-Jericho found himself double-teamed.
-Blackman came back and gave Test a nut yank into the post
-Blackman gave Test his Kendo Stick treatment
-Jericho popped Kane with a trash can a few times... he tried a pin. Being the keen observers that you are (*coughbullshitcough*) you'll note that I said "try", thus implying that it didn't work and the match continued.
-The thing about Kane and Jericho is that Kane grunts like a "pitcher" while Jericho moans like a "catcher".
-Kane, "HUUURRR HAAAARRRR!!!"
-Jericho, "RWWAAAA!!! MHAAAA!!!"
-Kane lifted Jericho up for a Chokeslam. At the same time, Test lifted up the trash lid to hit Blackman with. Jericho zoinked the lid out of Test's hands from behind and popped Kane with it. Nicely done... a wee bit sloppy, but still a nice spot of choreography.
-Test hit Kane with a Kendo stick by accident. Kane went down. Jericho did his German Leg Flip Rollover Belly Splash maneuver (You really want to bitch about this with me, Losers?) and scored the win.
-Kane was so mad, he Chokeslammed Test. Then he fondled Trish!! (hmmph, I had him pegged as a homo)
-The Radicalz stepped out of a long, black, limo. As I watched this, I noticed that it had happened at last. Chris Benoit has FINALLY become a Superstar. Look at the way he carries himself. He is the top guy. He is a player. All you marks who spent the last 3 years screaming about this can finally relax. Chris Benoit is now a MAJOR Star.
-Malenko, on the other hand, still looks like he should be carrying Bischoff's luggage.
-Ross, "THEY'VE GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!!!!!" (What? they punched Buchanon's name on the Ballot by "mistake" too?)
-The Radicalz came to the ring. Terri Runnels was with them. Jeezus... ever notice how frickin' UGLY Saturn is? I mean, he is just BONE ugly.
-It looks like we got us some mic work coming. Ross openly wondered if we would find out WHY they have aligned themselves with HHH last week on Smackdown (Well, I SERIOUSLY doubt Benoit's there to ruminate about what it's like to get Kevin Sullivan's leftovers! Although that be a HELL of a promo!)
-Benoit got on the stick and admitted that there was a time when he didn't get along with a guy named "The Game"... a guy named... "Triple H".
-BUT... after watching HHH operate... after noticing that HHH will do "just aboot ANYTHING" (BWAHAHA... THOSE DAMN CANADIANS!!) and say ANYTHING to get ahead... he decided that Triple H is a Man that HE can RESPECT!! (Ah, then he must be a Gore supporter too)
-Benoit said ALL the Radicalz rezpected HHH, so they reformed and hooked up with HHH.
-We see footage of how the Radicalz stormed the Smackdown set and took out Austin and the Rock. (although Austin fought like a MAN COMPLETELY TAKEN WITH HIS OWN TOUGH GUY CHARACTER).
-Back to live... Benoit told the fans that the men they cheer for, the men they BELIEVE IN (Why bring Montel and Phil Donahue into this?)... well, those men are "ootnumbered, ootclassed", and if they get in their way, those men will be "oot cold"...
-AND... if anyone has a problem with this... they can step into the ring and "prove them wrong".
-Eddie got on the stick and dropped a little Spanish on these Ohioan asses. Now, I may be un poco rusty, but I THINK he said, "'oley chit... is there any Hispanics in this misbegotten state?"
-Then he slipped back into English and said that he and Triple H both had one thing in common... they both learned the hard way that Chyna has a special "grip" in a certain spot that has no business having ANY sort of "grip" WHAT-SO-F-ING-EVER!!
-Eddie ragged on Chyna some more... officially changing her nickname from "Mamacita" to "Cheap-a-cita". (Ross, "What's he mean by THAT?" Well, obviously, he means that Chyna's actually a Jew!)
-Eddie adviced Chyna and "Goldilocks" to keep away from the Radicalz, lest they come looking to get their asses whupped.
-Eddie, very slowly, said, "And that's alllll, I haaaaaaave, to saaaaaaay" Then handed the mic over to...
-Terri Runnels... who apparently has had her head banged against one too many headboards... because she flashed back to her "Alexandra York" days and rambled a little about how "small investments paid off in large dividends". Ugh.
-FINALLY... Dean Malenko got on the mic... for the FIRST TIME IN FRIGGIN MONTHS!!!
-COME ON DEANO!!! THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE!!! PUT YOUR ASS OVER AND GET OUT OF OPENING GODDAM HEAT EVERY WEEK!!!!!
-Malenko coughed out something. Who could tell what he was saying? The guy's voice was so f-ing phlegmy. He sounded like Matt Pinfield with Pneumonia. Poor bastard, it was his ONE CHANCE!!! THE BEST HE COULD DO WAS MAKE US ALL SICK!!!
-Foley came out to end this. The OTHER poor bastard of the group, Perry Saturn, was seen desperately reaching for the mic before Foley could come out. I'm sure he was hoping just to get out a quick "Hi Mom"... poor guy will never get closer to the stick for months.
-God Bless Mick, still trying to sell the Sweatpants-In-Public look. The only people who try that move are fat guys who have expanded beyond anything Levi or Khaki can produce.
-AND JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FOUR PAIRS OF SWEATS MYSELF DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING!!!!! I JUST LIKE THE COMFORT FACTOR!!! Plus, it's easier to play with myself while driving... the end results makes for a good steering wheel buffer too, polishes it up real nice. Good lesson for you kids out there.
-Foley opened by saying it was good to FINALLY face the four men who turned on him after he got them in the company. (HA... sort of like me and Scoops... heh)
-I said this before, and I'll one day re-post an old AAT about it too, but it really was cool to see those four WCW refugees be offically greeted into the WWF by Foley. It was a.. a.. what am I, nuts? I have a whole COLUMN written about it... I'll just post THAT in a week or so!
-Foley, "I guess... as Triple H might say... 'Eyeeeahh, neverrrrahhum sawwwwrm itaaa, cominnnng!'" (Big nosed freak actually does that too... ooph, it IS painful, isn't it?)
-Back THEN, Foley couldn't do much about it... because he wasn't the WWF Commissioner at the time. He is NOW!!!
-So, since these boys fancy themselves the most powerful force in the WWF (HAW!!!!! I'll match them up against a horny Patterson after his monthly enema ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!!... yeah, that's right... ANOTHER PATTERSON JOKE!!! I'LL RUN THEM INTO THE GROUND GODDAMMIT!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU, AND F-YOU TOO... YEAH YOU... THE GUY IN THE BACK!!! SUCK ME HUGE, FAN BOY!!!! WE BOTH KNOW YOU'LL KEEP READING!!! YOU'LL NEVER STOP!!! OH DOESN'T IT SUCK??? OH DON'T YOU HATE BEING MY BITCH!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA
-whom am I talking to?
-Whoever it is, I'm sure he's about to write, Dear Hyatte, just to spite you, I vow never to read your shit again! I was one of those supposed "many" you claimed to profess hatred for your Mop-Ups, but read them every week anyway. Well, now you've inspired me to drop you forever and read some loser from Delphi instead. Good luck, loser. We will never speak again!
-To which I will respond, Dear Whatsyername, I apologize if I've offended you. If you stick around, I will strive hard to provide something that YOU will find entertaining AND inciteful. Please give me another chance.
-Usually, I'll get no response... which means that the writer was absurdly suckered...I mean touched that an Internet God like myself would find HIS readership so godawful important. Thus, I'll keep him as a reader.
-I play you douchebags like a goddam VIOLIN!!!!
-Anyway, Foley said that since these four guys are so high and mighty... he guessed that they could stand a little dose of "WCW has NO Chance in a WWF ring" bookmaking and told them that they'll be jamming with Bad Ass, Chyna, The Rock, and No Sell Steve Austin in a big 8 man tagger. That outta humble their asses!
-Foley bailed. The Radicalz fumed. I distinctly heard Malenko shout, "YEAH, AND WHOSE SHOULDERS WILL HUMP THE MAT AGAIN THIS WEEK??? TAKE A WILD FREAKIN' GUESS!!! DAMMIT ALL TO CHRIST!!!!"
-Backstage, Kane caught up with Jericho and tossed him all over the place, climaxing with Jericho being hurtled through a large glass window. Three men in Italian suits suddenly LEPT to their feet and QUICKLY removed a HUGE stack of small papers off their desk! DISCARDED MY ASS, SOMEONE CALL THE GORE CAMPAIGN!!! I THINK WE'VE FOUND THOSE MISSING BALLOTS!!!! MY GOD VINCE, HOW DARE YOU MESS WITH SOMETHING SO PURE AS THE ELECTION SYSTEM!!!!!!
-Sgt Slaughter took the reigns and DEMANDED Medical Assistance. It was a nifty spot. Even though it probably broke Marty Jannetty's HEART!! ("That was MY spot... MINE, DAMMIT!!!!")
-footage of what just happened.
-Hey now... HERE'S something we don't see at least once a month!! A bloody Jericho being tended by Medical techs!
-The Dudley Boyz came out.
-Tazz and Raven came out of the fog! Whoa... I think Hall must have started a friggin' BONFIRE with his stash!
-This should be an "ECW-THEMED EXHIBITION IN BRUTALITY!!!!!!"
-The arena was TOTALLY fogged out... now I'm starting to wonder if Jake Roberts didn't pay a visit backstage with some of his own "agriculture"
-Tazz and Raven ended up losing, they also ended up bickering, they also ended up fighting. Tazz ended up putting raven through a table. Then Tazz used the "F" word. I'm not sure if that'll cost them any national spots, but you can bet the ranch that John Conti, owner of Rhode Island's local Nissan Ford dealership will YANK his spot right off the show by noon today!!! (Car Salesmen are so damn SENSITIVE!!!)
-Backstage, Michael Cole looked to be DREADING his upcoming interview with Tiger Ali Sing and "Lo Down"... ugh, do we NEED this crew in our lives? REALLY?
-Hey, the Rock finally showed!
-The Radicalz enjoy the Fruit and Vegetable platters. Malenko wants a little MEAT. Saturn prefers Fruit. Benoit said he'll get some meat just as soon as they agree as to who eats the Stunner tonight. I'm not sure... if there is some sort of sick, perverted symbolism here about "meat" and "fruit", and the fact that "All Canadians are Homosexuals"... it's over MY head.
-Ross and Lawler eat up some time.
-Michael Cole is with Tiger Ali Sing and Lo-Down. Cole says that since Ali requested this time, he is free to speak his mind.
-Tiger said, "Exactly...", then was about to continue when...
-Cole BLEW OFF SING AND RAN OVER TO THE ROCK, WHO JUST HAPPENED TO WALK BY!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA I LOVE IT!!! CLASSIC!!!!
-Oh, if you caught the look on Ali's face... absolutely hilarious.
-ah... man, this company can be SUCH a ball breaker. I mean, poor D-Lo had some real TALENT... still does, in fact!
-anywayz... Cole asked the Rocky for his reaction to the big main event for tonight. Rocky responded that since we are very near the Holiday season, (more importantly... we are very near the Anniversary where I stunned the ENTIRE INTERNET WRESTLING WORLD BY DEFECTING FROM THE ALMIGHTY SCOOPS AND SHOWING U...oh shut UP, Hyatte, you F-ing DOUCHEBAG... ugh, I'm just as bad as the rest of them), the Rock has some gifts for the Radicalz.
-ALMOST acting like this wasn't written weeks ago, the Rock spontaneously ran down the list of gifts...
-For Benoit: A set of wolverine testicles
-For Malenko: 6 more inches. No, not where he REALLY needs it, or so the Rock has heard (by whom, I wonder?), but in his height, so malenko can finally be a 5 foot 2 champion.
-For Saturn: Since he has one eye going that way and the other going another way, the Rock hopes that one eye will see his hand coming as he slaps the crooked eye straight! (funnier spoken, than written)
-For Guerrero: The Rock has THREE gifts... A sombrero, a donkey, and a hot bottle of Tequila... "so you can ride off into the sunset, Ese... AYEEYEEYEEYEEYEEYEEYEE"
-Then Rock got serious as he ragged out on Rikishi a little.
-As Tiger and the boys got royally screwed....
-Angle discussed the next match with the Holly's and the UT. Both E&C; (Why couldn't HE do the ECW recap? Who is this "Sean Swift" idiot?) agreed that Angle should handle the UT. Then they played Crash Holly's song on the kazoo.
-NOW Tiger Ali gets some mic time with an apologetic Cole. He was JUST about to promise ALL WWF fans free gasoline for a YEAR (Damn Ay-rabs... we 're paying through the nose to fill up our cars while they are using it as TOILET WATER!!!) in exchange for monster pops when...
-Jericho charged out, got right in Cole's face, and demanded to know where Foley was. Tiger threw a mini-fit in the background which I rewound 4 times and laughed just as hard each time.
-The Holly brood was WALKING!!! (hey, you don't copywrite it, it's up for grabs!). hardcore re-established himself in an INSTANT by shoving Crash behind him so he could take the lead. By God, I MISSED that boy!
-Hey look, it's the Undertaker! (see above parenthesis)
-Kurt Angle walked out with E&C.;
-THE SECOND HOUR JUST ARRIVED???? JEEPERS!!! IT FEELS LIKE 10:55!!!!
-Oh.. wait.. it IS 10:55.... In the a.m. I promised Ashish I'd get these posted by 6 pm. I'd best move along...
-That's TUESDAY!! BY THE WAY!!!
-The Holly's walked out and stormed the ring.
-The UT ROARED out on his bike. he rolled around the ring, then rode right back up the ramp and bailed out! (THE UT IS A FRAIDY CAT!!!!!)
-*sigh*... if this RAW recap was a ballot... it would be doublepunched for Buchanon and Browne.
-The match got going. Hardcore went to work on Kurt Angle.
-Ross praised a Hardcore Holly dropkick as "good as you'll ever see". Nonsense... "Jumpin' Jim Brunzell was the balls-on KING OF THE DROPKICKS!!!!!!
-Then he became head of the "AWF" and damn near outlawed EVERYTHING.
-"Wrestling The Way It Ought To Be"... yeah, slow, plodding, and banal.
-UT was tagged in. Angle scampered away and tagged Christian
-UT grabbed Christian by the neck, TOSSED him into the corner, then went for his multi-punch rapid fire thingy. It was tough NOT to see the poor dude suck major wind after that effort.
-Edge tried his luck. UT tagged off to Crash. Ross lauded Crash's heart, pointing out that the heart was the "strongest muscle in the body" (Yeah, right... what about the TONGUE?? WHEN THE HEART CAN GO INTO AND PROBE THE NASTIEST OF FEMALE "AREAS" ON A REGULAR BASIS... THEN I'LL GIVE IT THE TITLE... 'TIL THEN, THE TONGUE IS THE STRONGEST MUSCLE THERE IS!!!!)
-E & C had some fun with Crash.
-Crash rebounded. UT started to quickly bounce up and down on his toes waiting for a tag. Ross never saw him do that before. Neither have I, really. Did he forget to pee again? You'd think after Sid Vicious dumped a load in his tights during their match at Wrestlemania a few years back, he would have learned his lesson.
-can you imagine? UT's sitting there, working his match with Sid, just minding his own business when *splot* Sid goes and craps all over himself
-and then UT has to PUT THE TOMBSTONE ON SID AND GET HIS NOSE RIGHT IN THERE!!!! Jeeze.
-UT scores the tag and gets his mitts on Angle. BIG boot.
-E & C charged, The Holly's ran in.,
-Angle got off a Suplex. He went for his finisher...
-UT popped out of it, chokeslammed Angle, gave him the Last Ride... and won the match clean.
-Angle had BETTER win the match on Sunday, because this "Jobbing Champion" thing is sort of insulting to the fans
-Austin has showed up.
-Debra catches up with the Hardyz and Lita. She makes have her speech while the crowd was cheering, so we didn't hear a single word.
-After quickly putting up her mic, we hear her tell the kids that they get a six man tag agauinst the RTC group... and if Matt or Jeff pin one of the guys, they get their tag belts back... OR, if Lita can pin Ivory, she gets the chick belt back. Meanwhile, Debra's boobs stole the show... followed closely by the 6 inch layer of makeup on her face.
-Ross and Lawler kill a bit of time so...
-Steve Austin can come out and cut a VERY brief promo on HHH. The deal here was that Austin was SO ENRAGED!!! SO FURIOUS!!! SO FUELED BY THE BURNING ANGER THAT ENGULFS HIS SOUL!!! that he had to speak very carefully, lest the cursewords fly!
-I say, Austin looked totally bummed out... almost near tears. Something must have happened. Something bad. No, not kayfabe bad... real life bad!
-My God... AUSTIN'S DOCTORS TOLD HIM TO RETIRE, OR HE'LL BE PARALYZED FOR LIFE!!!!!!! YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST!!!!
-Oh, and after the quickie promo, Austin HUMMED the mic at the Announcers. Lawler bitched that it almost hit his eye. Yeah, something is definitely wrong with the guy. I've seen Nash Bridges, Austin ain't this good an actor.
-commercials. It is 10:30 at night... why am I seeing a spot for a Remote Control toy car named "Insector"?
-The Hardy Boyz came out with Lita. After an impromptu poll I conducted with lesser Internet Beings, Lita was almost unanimously voted, Female Wrestling Personality That We'd Most Like To Defecate On (with LOVE... not hatred. Affectionately!)
-I say ALMOST... because ONE Internet guy wrote back, "Girls? ICKY POO POO!!" I can't tell you who, but his name rhymes with "Lick Papaya"
-The RTC ran out. The kids attack on the ramp. They GOT IT ON!!!
-In the 80's... when someone had his opponent's arm twisted at the wrist, when he would wrench the thing up and down like a whip, the opponent would hunch over and moan in pain. When the Goodfather did the same move to Matt Hardy, Hardy JERKED DOWN TO THE GROUND AND STARTED TO ROLL AROUND IN SHEER AGONY!!!! God Bless the Gosh Darn MILLENNIUM!!!!!
-Lita slapped a tag in. Jeff Hardy was all like, "What are you doing? That's the GOODFATHER!!". Lita told him to go unclenched his buttcheeks.
-Meanwehile, Ivory slapped the back of the GF and stepped in. Lita went to work. Ross called Ivory, "A Lilith Frasier look-a-like"... I believe we are fast approaching the time when "Cheers" references will become dated.
-Lita hit a Moosault. Ross pulled a classic McMahon move by announcing that the match as over right there. Hell, he was already talking up the next match when Lawler nudged his elbow and informed the Goofy Ass that Ivory kicked out.
-"ONE.. TWO... HE GOT HIM!! THE HONKY TONK MAN HAS DEFEATED HULK HOGAN AND IS THE NEW CHAMP... oh, wait a minute.."
-There... TWO HONKY REFERENCES IN ONE RECAP!!! NOW GO CLICK ONTO THE UGO SPONSOR AND TELL THEM THAT HYATTE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO THEM THEN 5 RYDERS, 4 SHERERS, AND A KELLER IN A PEAR TREE!!!
-GF dropped Lita with a BIG sidewalk slam... Lita actually KICKED OUT!!
-Bull Buchanon played around with Lita a little... acting like a kid with a Fly... a Fly with bum wings... PULL THE WEEENGS!!!!
-Lita groined Bull from behind... well, Bull was behind and Lita OH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!
-The Hardyz cleaned house, they were about as close as a vag hair to winning when...
-GF hit the Ref, and got the DQ. Val venis ran out and RTC RULED the ring. Ivory seemed to have jammed her ankle of something, because she was limping BIG TIME.
-Backstage, Bad Ass Billy Gunn told an (exceptionally hot, this week) Chyna that the Radicalz made two HUGE mistakes... pissing HIM off, and pissing HER off... (Plus half of the Radicalz get the bonus "Pissing their careers away by leaving WCW" mistake... free of charge)
-Chyna and Gunn... are they supposed to be doing each other? Is the game plan to have Chyna mow through ALL of the WWF men?
-Steven Regal came out and told the crowd that all America needs to do is come crawling back to the British Monarchy that we so heartlessly defected from some 200 and 28 years ago and beg for re-admittance. I am sick of RAW. I need to move onto NITRO... so I must rush.
-Road Dogg came out. They fought a while... then some black guy came out, hit Regal, got the DQ, then told Doggy, "This ain't no time for scrapping, this is a time for RAPPING". Then they broke out into a rap. I WOULD have cried but... I... I simply ran out of tears.
-We see Foley and Debra backstage "dancing" to da' beat.
-A very subdued Austin tells Cole that he smelled a rat tonight. (Wow, Eli Kazan is in the building?)
-At the WWF: New York, Stephen Richards throws single page RTC papers at the crowd and insists that he is not there to hurt them, he is there to SAVE them. (Yeah, well so was Rick Lazio, and they gave it to goddang HILLARY!!!!!! MORONS!!!!!)
-Foley and Debra officially ran down the Survivor Series card. Man, her boobs really are eye catching.
-and so ends my weekly quota of COMPLETELY OBVIOUS STATEMENTS!!
-Gunn and Chyna...
-are all set for the nightcap.
-The Radicalz come out. Each guy mounts a turnbuckle. You can clearly hear some rube yell, "HEY PERRY, COULD YOU SWITCH CORNERS WITH BENOIT???" Saturn told him to go F-himself.
-Chyna came out. She stared coldly at Eddie. Eddie mocked her. Ross mocked US by trying to sell us on the "She was all set to marry Eddie AND have his children!" (Dude, Helen KELLER could tell that there was no chemistry there)
-The "One" Billy Gunn comes out... to music that I haven't heard since goddam Rick Springfield was pining for Jesse's Girl... what DECADE ARE WE IN???
-The "One"??? Billy GUNN??? WHEN WILL THE WWF'S BALLS GO UP ON EBAY???? WHO'S GONNA SELL THEM????
-"One" and Chyna ran in and attacked early. Rocky and Auastin charged out for the assist. Uncharacteristically, it was Rocky's music that came on and Rocky himself, who ran out first. THE WWF NOW BELONGS TO THE ROCK!!!!
-The brawl breaks down into tag teams. Malenko and Saturn work on "One" (oy vey)
-Rocky is tagged and gives Saturn a few problems.
-Saturn stays in there a while. He might as well, this is his Christmas... main event/overrun time.
-Benoit is tagged in and chops the crap out of Rocky
-Saturn is back in and eats a Rock Bottom. Eddie gets a tag. Rocky tosses him about, then looks at a pleading Chyna. He tags her dramatically.
-Chyna TCB's... even Malenko gets a clothesline. He rolls back to his corner muttering, "we'll all go to the WWF... it'll be greeeeeat... fu***ng Canadian a**hole with his dumb ideas"
-Eddie steps on Chyna's face and twirls. Why are my nipples hard all of the sudden?
-Austin wanted attention so he ran around the floor and threw Saturn across the Announce table.
-It's still Chyna and Eddie
-I'm waiting for Benoit to get in there and try to chop HER chest.
-It breaks down outside. The Rock and Benoit start brawling up the ramp and into the back.
-Austin is in and he starts flailing away at everyone. He goes nuts on Eddie and starts stomping the guacamole out of him.
-Eddie pops right back up (Choo don' sell for me, I ain't gonna sell for CHOO!!")
-Eddie must have lost a bet, because it is HE who gets Stunnered, then pinned. Austin's music played. Austin stands alone. THE WWF NOW BELONGS TO STONE COLD!!!!
-Austin STILL looks subdued... even a little upset. Something is up here.
-Meanwhile, Rocky and Benoit brawl ALL over the backstage. They start fighting down a long, wide, cement pathway.
-Benoit starts waving his arm wildly... a car pulls out from the background and approaches...
-cut to a rear shot. Rikishi is hanging out of the passenger window with a big sledgehammer... in a nice bit of camera trickery where they switch cameras right at collision...
-Rocky is hit with the hammer and SAILS backwards and rolls across a pile of rolled up wires. IMPRESSIVE shot.
-The car stops. Rikishi steps out and says, "This is the way it's gonna be, Rock"... and promised more of the same for Sunday.
-Oh, and HHH was driving.
-The car takes off. Rocky stares viciously at them. Ross screams, "WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT SUNDAY, ON PAY PER VIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW??"
-The show ends
I... I don't like where the WWF is heading content wise... it's getting too Disneyish.
But, the wrestling was great, I loved the double "F-You" to Tiger Ali Sing... and that Sledgehammer shot was WILD.
No decision can be made until we see what NITRO is doing (*coughrawwinshack*), so we must go over there.
Oh, and if you need some MORE motivation, as if the closer wasn't enough... this week's Nitro recap features an appearence from an BIG CHILD STAR OF THE 70's/80'S!!!!!!!
I knew that would get'cha.
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