And Another Thing: The First Wrestlemania
Posted by Hyatte on 11.20.2000
I was rummaging through my back issue collection of “INSIDE WRESTLING” when I found this old, old recap of the first Wrestlemania.
As the Holidays loom large, I thought I'd take the time to chill out and re-energize. So no new AAT's and no new Mop-Ups. Instead, for AAT this week, I thought I'd give you another chance to check out something I did for Scoops two + years ago. The very first "Mop-Up" for the show that started the whole wrestling craze 20 years ago. For this week's Mop-Ups, I'll be re-posting one of THE most asked about editions I've ever done... the very famous "post-Owen" Mop-Up. To this day, some say it's the best damn thing I have ever written. I hope you think so too. Anyway, check out this mind blowing column. I think you'll get a huge kick out of it.
I was rummaging through my back issue collection of “INSIDE WRESTLING” when I found this old, old recap of the first Wrestlemania. Since the 15th edition of the show is days away, I thought I’d have SCOOPS post it up and take you back to the days where wrestling was young, Republicans ruled the White House, and Bischoff was still announcing Boat shows. It was a simpler time then, where a young Hyatte was first discovering the joy of zits, the wonders of VCRs, and the sexual preferences of Pat Patterson....so let’s take that long stroll down memory lane shall we?
THE MOP-UP NEWSLETTER
by Chris Hyatte
“Will you please stop mailing me your weekly recaps? I don’t care what some 15 year old idiot thinks about “Tuesday Night Titans”. I know you’re trying to inspire me to get you a job at PWI, but you’re wasting your time. I recently sent a resume to Sports Illustrated and with any luck, I’ll be out of this rinky dink wrestling business forever. So quit sending me your crap, because I can’t and won’t help you! Besides, you really suck at it anyway!”
Bill Apter: Chief photographer Pro Wrestling Illustrated and it’s sister publications.....but not for long I guess.
Okay, I’ll cross him off the list. Hi again everyone, I’m Chris and this is the Mop-Up newsletter! A weekly publication sent out to dozens and DOZENS of subscribers for FREE!!! ....well.....dozens......well...a dozen.. As always, the Mop-Up is brought to you by our good friends at the UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE, who once AGAIN goosed up the price of stamps to an OUTRAGEOUS 12 cents a PIECE! Cripes, one can only hope that they have reached their limit now. How they would be able to justify getting it up any more is beyond me. 12 cents is too much as it is.
So, this is a special week for you. Instead of getting just ONE newsletter, you’re getting a first time EVER BONUS MOP-UP!!! Right now, it is Sunday evening, March 31, nineteen hundred and eighty five and I just got back from Wrestlemania LIVE (onclosedcircuittelevision) at the PROVIDENCE CIVIC CENTER!! I had front row seats too....that’s right...I had FRONT ROW SEATS TO WRESTLEMANIA!!! How cool is THAT huh? How cool am I huh?? Huh? HUH???
So, I figured, what the hell? I should recap it. What else should I do? Homework? Yeah...okay. I do homework when I always do homework, 5 minutes before class begins. I COULD pick up the phone finally and call the SOO HOT Sherry Prosser and ask her out. Word around school is that she is a “slut”. Now, I’m not sure what a “slut” exactly is, but it would be totally awesome if I could get her to touch it.
Of course, girls have already touched it....LOTS of them in fact! They say that 99% of the male population masturbate. Well, I am in that 1% that do NOT!! I don’t need to....I’m a stud. So there!
Anywhoo.....the show was, like, AWESOME, you know? It was an INCREDIBLE EVENT!! Say what you will about Vince McMahon. He may be a SCUMBAG, WOULD BE WORLD CONQUERER WHO WANTS NOTHING BUT WWF PRODUCT ON TELEVISION! (Leave it to Vince to take a perfectly good TV show, World Championship Wrestling on TBS on Saturday nights, and turn it into nothing but REHASHED WWF REPEAT MATCHES THAT WE’VE SEEN A MILLION TIMES BEFORE ALREADY!!!!!!! BRING BACK DUSTY!!!! BRING BACK SCHIAVONE!!!!! OH MAN, BRING BACK DAVID CROCKETT!!!!! BRING BACK PAUL JONES AND IVAN KOLOFF!!!!!!) Vince may be an OBSENELY PUMPED STIFF WITH A BAD WIG!!! Vince may be a WEAK ANNOUNCER ON HIS BEST DAY!!!! (I swear, if I hear Vince say, “1-2-3 IT’S OVER, IT’S OVER!!! WE GOT A NEW WORLD CHAMPIO...oh, wait a minute...he got his shoulder up!!” one more time, I will QUIT writing this and start selling Grit newspapers! If I can sell 200 copies I make a whopping $4!!!!), but nobody can argue with the fact that Vince is a MARKETING GENIUS!! What he pulled off today was....was......whoa...I wasn’t caught in this much suspense since the “Who shot JR”!
Anyway, the show is history...and since I’m still stewing over the Van Halen/David Lee Roth/Sammy Hagar triangle, (Dave will be back in the band...mark my words......I have no foundation to base it on, other than the fact that I am the PREDICTION MASTER!!!!) I guess now would be as good as ever to get this show on the road.
WRESTLEMANIA (or: A Once In A Lifetime Event!)
-opening credits...including the line up. Nine matches? Geeze, this must be a 9 hour event!?!?!?!
-Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura welcomed us to the show. Jesse is wearing a frilly pink tuxedo and looking like QUITE the goofball! He doesn’t care how this will make him look 10 years from now does he?
-”Mean” Gene Okerlund was already in the ring when Howard Finkle introduced him.....I was temporarily blinded by the light bouncing off their shiny chromes. Finkle is still trying to pull off the combover.....Gene lost that option decades ago it seems.
-Gene sung the National anthem....and did a serviceable job! I still wouldn’t buy a used car from him though......not that I could buy a car anyway...I’m still too young to drive. Stupid laws. After the Anthem, Gene broke out into a decent version of “Beat It”...complete with air guitar. They pulled him off before he could start breakdancing,
-How in the HELL does Gene manage to keep that tan year round anyway?
-We go backstage with “TNT’s own” Lord Alfred Hayes, (who may be the Devil Incarnate, I’m speaking to my local Priest about it......Father Graham......I can only speak to him for brief periods, because after about ten minutes with him, he’s always asking me to get on my knees in front of him and “pray for a special lollipop from God”.......creepy)
-Anywhoo, Lord Evil Hayes seemed to already be loaded to his British gills as he talked up the opening match, which is......
-FIRST MATCH The Executioner Vs Tito Santana
-The Executioner lived in parts unknown.....and nobody seemed to know how much he weighed. One thing I CAN tell you is that contrary to rumors, the Executioner was NOT Greg Valentine....that’s just wrong.
-By the way, that rumor was NOT started by Al Isaacs.
-Oh...wait....you don’t know who Al Isaacs is do you? Well, he’s a friend of mine. Sometimes, we like to go out and egg old man Ryder’s house. The old bag would run out in his bathrobe and start chasing us down the street. Then he’d start wheezing and gasping for breath...so he’d stop and shake his fist at us “damn kids”. He is SUCH a senile old fart.
-Tito was from “Tacula, Mexico”...which is one of the last remaining Mexican towns NOT run by the Villano cartel.....but that will soon change...oh yes, it will soon change.
-It took 10 seconds for Jesse to call Tito, “Chico”....which caused me to spit out my Pepsi Free in a fit of laughter all over the kid next to me. A riot almost ensued in the building. All I know is that at the end, I stood up on my chair and pronounced myself the KING OF THE CLOSED CIRCUIT EVENT RECAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then some girl told me to grow up. I told her to shut up.
-Monsoon said that the Executioner had an “unblemished record” coming into the WWF...which tells me that he never worked a match booked by Dusty Rhodes/
-Chico started things out with a killer headlock.....and it really seemed to grind the Executioner into exhaustion......is there a more devastating hold than the SIDE HEADLOCK????
-Gorilla pointed out once again about how Tito’s “latin temper” is always on a short fuse...which exploded roughly two minutes into it.
-oooh, a bodyslam RATTLED Tito’s bones!!!
-Executioner climbed to the top rope....OH THANK GOD!! Tito caught him and tossed him off....(FOOD FOR THOUGHT:: You KNOW a card is going to be good when they use the more dangerous bumps in the opening match!!)
-Tito hits the Flying Forearm....then applied the Figure Four. The Executioner quickly submitted and Chico won the match! The Ref had to help Tito get out of the Figure Four because when it’s locked on right, you simply can’t just let go of it. Valentine has NEVER applied the figure four properly...neither has Flair..... TITO IS THE MASTER OF THE FIGURE FOUR BABY!!! ARRIBA!!!!!
-Tito yelled “OLAY” into the camera......instead of his usual “ARRIBA”.......Olay? Oh Geeze, I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid like become a Bullfighter or something! That would kill his career.
-SECOND MATCH King Kong Bundy Vs S.D “Special Delivery” Jones.
-Bundy was with his manager, Jimmy “The Mouth of the South” Hart. Bundy weighed in at 458 pounds...which makes him about 60 pounds heavier than that fat slob Seanny Shannon who lives down the street from me. I told you about him before. He never leaves his house and has a WICKED huge Barbie Collection.
-Yeah, I know...Bundy is huge....and he’ll probably have a looooong career ahead of him as a major star...but tonight..he is fighting none other than S. FREAKIN’ D JONES BABY!!!! OL’ SPECIAL DELIVERY HAS A PACKAGE WAITING JUST FOR BUNDY!!!!! YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT BUCKO!!!! S.D IS FIXING TO CAUSE A LITTLE DAMAGE TO KING KONG BUNDY’S SPARKLING CAREER!!! GO GET HIM S.D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-9 seconds later, Bundy pinned Jones......maybe I should find another jobber to root for? How about Jose Luis Riveria? Naa, he’s no good...I need someone......someone....UNPREDICTABLE!! Who could I choose?
-Eh, I’ll think about it and get back to you later.
-By the way, the match was WAY longer than 9 seconds....the fix is in my friends...why can’t wrestling be more fair...like Boxing?
-I counted..it took 23 seconds from bell to bell......Vince thinks we are SO STUPID!!! I’M SO SICK OF THE WAY MCMAHON INSULTS OUR INTELLIGENCE LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!
-THIRD MATCH Rick Steamboat Vs Matt Bourne.
-Steamboat won easily. I would say more but I don’t like Bourne very much...he’s a big clown.
-FOURTH MATCH Brutus Beefcake Vs David Sammartino
-”Luscious” Johnny Valiant was with Beefcake. “Luscious” Johnny Valiant looks like Bobby Heenan’s older, unemployed, loser brother.
-Pudgy David came roaring out with his Father, Bruno Sammartino. Bruno finally decided to lose that “Brady Bunch” perm that he was working for the last few years. IT’S ABOUT TIME!!!!!! Jeeze, that style is like, SO 70’S.....it should be buried away with the rest of those ancient, TOTALLY DWEEBY fads!! Disco, Bell bottoms, sideburns......BURN THEM ALL AND EAT THE ASHES!!!!!!! GOD BLESS THE 80’S!!!!!! GOD BLESS REAGANOMICS!!!!!!!
-The 70’s.......bleeech.....now, all we have to do is see what Sonny Crockett is wearing on “Miami Vice” and we have all the style we need.
-It’s an interesting matchup here. First, you have Beefcake, a guy with no family and no friends in the business to let him in. He simply put his nose to the grindstone and came out of nowhere to hit it in the WWF....ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!! Then you have David Sammartino. Who’s father is a WWF FIXTURE and will probably remain by McMahon’s side faithfully until the day he dies. It’s a unique matchup! The hardworking kid with no “inside help” against the fat kid who’s own Dad used to BE the company. The sad thing is...win or lose, David Sammartino will probably be world champion by the year 2000 while poor Beefcake will be a distant, distant memory.....IT’S A CRUEL, CRUEL WORLD WE LIVE IN FOLKS!!!!!
-Monsoon made a comment about Beefcake’s purple and black striped tights. He was amazed at the outrageousness of the design. THIS AIN’T YOUR DADDY’S WRESTLING BUDDY BOY!!!!!!
-David kicked things off with a front face lock.......he’s serious about making a good impression.
-Brutus countered with a side headlock......just wearing the dude down...smart wrestling.
-This is how wrestling SHOULD be....a classic mat wrestling clinic. Slow and steady....a chess game of a physical nature...where patience is the key....AND THE CROWD LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
-In the end though, Valiant interfered, then Bruno returned the favor and the ref called it a double DQ. Beefcake walked away muttering something about “Going sailing”....I didn’t know he liked boats?! I just hope he takes care of himself! I sure hope he doesn’t let the sea air ravage that handsome face of his with wrinkles and crow’s feet!
-FIFTH MATCH: Greg “The Hammer” Valentine Vs the Junkyard Dog for the Inter-Continental heavyweight championship
-Jimmy Hart was out for the second time as Valentine’s manager. JYD was all by his lonesome.....still wearing that big sign across his butt that says “THUMP”.....why on earth would he want his ass “thumped”....and how would that be accomplished anyway?
-I always wondered, if Valentine needs the first ten minutes of all his matches “just to get warmed up” as Gorilla always says....then isn’t he totally screwed if the match only goes 5 minutes?
-JYD started to bark like his namesake, then he crawled around on all fours and headbutted Valentine out of the ring.
-Eventually, Jimmy Hart was on the ring apron. JYD grabbed him.....Valentine ran over to hit him....JYD moved....Hart went down hard on the ring floor. I swear, if Jimmy keeps taking those falls, he’ll be crippled by the end of this decade!!!
-Valentine scored the pinfall after propping up his legs on the second rope for leverage.
-Then Tito Santana stuck his nose into the match and told the ref what had happened. The ref ordered the match to continue and started to count out Valentine. The Hammer stayed out and took the ten count...because he ain’t no dope.
-JYD celebrated as if he won the title.....because he IS a dope.
-Chico is a dope too.....only because he’s Mexican and my Uncle lost his job at LA Gear when they packed up and moved to Mexico. Is that a good enough reason?
-SIXTH MATCH The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff Vs Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo.
-Sheik and Volkoff were being managed by “Classy” Freddie Blassie..I’m amazed that he’s still alive. I give him another 6 months, tops.
-Volkoff sand the Russian National Anthem....and was pelted by wads of napkins for it......now people, those things can hurt.
-The Iron Sheik told us Western Dogs that Russia was number 1, Iran was number 1, and America was worth a hack and a spit. Hey, I ain’t no COMMIE....but I still laughed.
-Then again, neither is the Iron Sheik. Iran isn’t under a Communist regime! It’s ruled by the Ayatollah! The Ayatollah may be a homo...BUT HE AIN’T NO COMMIE!!!
-Windham and Rotundo were managed by Captain Lou Albano. Who had a paper clip stapled to his cheek. How can he DO that? Maybe his face is numb? Maybe he has that rare disease called Bell’s Palsy? Naah....that disease only affects certain people.....Transit cops, Investment bankers, and Play by Play announcers.
-Even though they are against the combined forces of Iran and the USSR, just remember, Windham and Rotundo are REAL AMERICANS!! The FIGHT for the RIGHTS of EVERY MAN!! Windham and Rotundo are REAL AMERICANS, They FIGHT FOR WHAT’S RIGHT....they FIGHT FOR THEIR LIFES!!! Even when it comes CRASHING DOWN and it really HURTS INSIDE!!! If you hurt THEIR FRIENDS, then you hurt THEIR PRIDE!! Because they GOTTA BE MEN and they CAN’T LET IT SLIDE!!!!
-Ahh, the perfect theme song for the perfect team.....sometimes, Vince actually gets it right! Sure, most of the time he’s an idiot (COUGH hillbilly Jim COUGH)...but once in a while.....watch, now he’ll go ruin it by giving the song to someone else.
-By the way, The Iron Sheik has some KILLER abs...he takes SUCH pride in them.
-The match ambled along nicely...then Windham was about to heat up the Bulldog on Nikolai..when all of the sudden...
-The Iron Sheik cranked Windham from behind with Blassie’s cane......Windham got down.....Volkoff covered him...
-COME ON BARRY!!!!!!! GET UP!!! GET UP DAMMIT!!!!! YOU ARE A REAL AMERICAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-We have new champions......an Iranian and a Russian......IN REAGAN’S AMERICA?????????????????????????????????????????????????
-OOOh, I hope Russia has some sort of nuclear accident and they have to come to us for help!!! JUST SO REAGAN CAN SPIT IN THEIR FACE AND TELL THEM TO GO SCREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Windham and Rotundo looked dejected at the loss.....don’t worry guys! Remember the words of another great American, John Rambo...who said, “Nothing is over, nothing! It wasn’t my war! You asked me, I didn’t ask you!” There..now go shoot up a small town run by a local Sheriff who hates drifters and long haired fruits.
-Backstage, we see Okerlund talk to the new champs. Blassie claimed to have never used a cane in his life! The Iron Sheik dedicated his win to all the Iranians in New York (Didn’t McCarthyism take care of all them 40 years ago?). The Sheik also called Okerlund, “Gene Mean”.....which will crack me up endlessly for all time.
-Lord Evil Hayes talked up the John Studd/Andre the Giant match up.
-Okerlund grabbed Heenan and Studd. They had a bag with $15’000 in it. Studd reminded us that if he bodyslams Andre first, then Andre must retire. If Andre bodyslams Studd first, the Andre gets the loot.
-Then Studd added a NEW stipulation...he said that if he was bodyslammed by Andre, then he would GET CANCER AND DIE BEFORE THE TURN OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now THAT guy is CONFIDENT!!!! That’s a HELL of a promise to make!!
SEVENTH MATCH John Studd Vs Andre the Giant.
-Andre came to the ring all smiles. After 16 years being undefeated, you would think that Andre would make noise about a title shot?!? I guess just being loved by the fans is enough for him.....how refreshing!
-The match kind of stunk....no, cancel that....it stunk HEAVY. Heabutts and bearhugs mostly. Pretty boring stuff.
-Then Andre bodyslammed Studd in an almost anticlimatic fashion. It just happened. He took the money bag and started to throw the cash out to the crowd. Heenan snuck up from behind, snagged the money and took off with it. Meanwhile, Studd went out to buy 20 cartons of Pall Malls and smoke them all inside the nearest nuclear power plant.....he made a promise to get cancer and STUDD IS A MAN OF HIS WORD!!!!!!!!!!
-Satan Hayes announced that it was time for the first of the night’s two “WRESTLEROCK” matches. The Fabulous Moolah and Leilani Kai came up to him and kissed him on the cheek. Their lips exploded in a rash of blisters and sores immediately on contact.
-Okerlund talked to Cyndie Lauper and Wendi Richtor. Lauper called Boy George a queer. Richtor said some stuff too, but I couldn’t help but notice how she kept staring at Lauper’s crotch...or maybe she was just in deep pre-match meditation.
-They show an earlier interview Gene conducted with Moolah and Kai. Neither one of them will be gracing the cover of Playboy anytime soon......or Penthouse.......or Hustler........or Swank......or Screw.......or Jugs........or Wet & Wild........or Biker Chicks........or Mad.......or Cracked.........or Crazy...........or Soldier of Fortune.........or Fangoria...
-EIGHTH MATCH Lelanie Kai Vs Wendi Richtor for the WWF Women’s heavyweight title.
-Lauper and Richtor came out to the song “She-Bop”...which I heard is about female masturbation......
-Female Masturbation???? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
-Really, what do they tug on?
-Not that I would KNOW that tugging induces masturbation...it’s just what I heard
-David Wolf was with the ladies. Wolf is Lauper’s manager and her husband. Judging from the look of love in his eyes, this is one marriage that will last FOREVER!!!
-hey Madonna, instead of rolling around the stage in a wedding dress, maybe you should have hooked up with the WWF huh? HUH??? 20 years from now, Cyndie Lauper will be a SUPERSTAR DIVA OF WORLDWIDE FAME!!!!!!!!!! You’ll just be a vague footnote of pop culture......OBSCURITY BECKONS MATERIAL GIRL!!!!! NICE KNOWING YA!!!!!!!
-Smartest move Lauper ever made was hooking up with McMahon.
-This is basically your standard catfight
-Richtor wins and regains the title. I don’t like girl matches.....it’s too weird for me to deal with.
-Howard Finkle introduced guest ring announcer Billy Martin. As he made his way to the ring, George Steinbrenner hired him and fired him twice....he can NEVER make up his mind.
-Billy Martin had the mic and sounded exactly like Sonny Bono! He looked like Sonny Bono! MY GOD!!! BILLY MARTIN IS SONNY BONO!!!!! SONNY BONO IS BILLY MARTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S BILLY BONO!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S SONNY MARTIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Martin introduced Liberace....who came out with 4 Rockettes all arm in arm. They did a little kick dance show in the ring. Liberace looked to be in HEAVEN.....with all those females surrounding him...YOWZAA, YOWZAA, YOWZAA
-Then Martin introduced Muhammad Ali. The house must have been ROCKING.....judging from the way Ali’s hand was shaking....both hands in fact.....right down to his arms.
-Pat Patterson came to the ring and made a beeline RIGHT to Liberace....they started to confer and laugh...probably about all the tookie they were going to get later tonight. I PREDICT that a LOT of women will be walking bowl legged come Monday morning.
-Then Patterson talked to Ali for a few minutes. I can’t be sure, but I think I saw Pat’s lips say the words, “stick and move”......he was probably asking for some boxing tips.....probably.
-A line of bagpipers came out playing the pipes.
-and out came the COOLEST bad guy I have ever...and I mean EVER have seen before. The one and only....”Rowdy” Roddy Piper!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Piper came out with a wide smile on his face, and a gnarly little strut complete with a cocky shake of his head as he went. He stopped briefly and shot a look at a nearby fan. I SWEAR I saw the fan, a skinny little moron with styled black hair scream, “I’LL MAKE YOU A REAL STAR PIPER!!!! MCMAHON DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE YOU!!!! HERE, TAKE MY CARD!!!!!” Piper ignored him...of course.
-”Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff and “Ace” Cowboy Bob Orton were there too. Ace Orton’s arm still hasn’t fully healed yet, so he’s still wearing that brace....GET BETTER SOON ACE!!!!!!
-Then “Eye of the Tiger” kicked up.......is there a harder rocking song out there? Survivor is going to be HUGE for a LONG TIME, PEOPLE!!! BANK ON IT!!!!!!!!
-Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka were followed from the back to the ring. Both Hogan and T crossed themselves in a mini prayer....Snuka didn’t....he must worship Satan Alfred.
-Excuse me a moment....IT’S THE..EYE OF THE TIGER IT’;S THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT...RISING UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF OUIR RIVALLL.....sorry, it had to be done.
-The good guys went to the ring...Hogan was startled by the SAME SKINNY FAN WITH THE STYLED HAIR who was SCREAMING at Hogan to take his card....Hogan took it......he was just being nice...he would NEVER sell out McMahon!
-Everybody hit the ring and the usual turmoil and pre-bell posing took place. Mr. T looked better than ever. Of course, this was all to set up the...
-NINTH MATCH Hulk Hogan and Mr. T Vs Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff.
-Liberace rang a little tinkerbell to kick off the match...I bet he used it just to impress the girls.
-Orndorff and Hogan started it off....but Piper wanted in....so Orndorff tagged out.
-So....Mr. T BEGGED Hogan to tag him in against Hot Rod! Hogan asked the crowd...then tagged T in. T and Piper went face to face....
-Piper slapped T
-T slapped Piper
-Piper slapped T again
-T returned the favor
-Piper kicked T in the gut...THIS IS WHY PIPER WILL ROCK...NOW AND FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Piper swung around T and took him down in a behind the back take down. T sat out and slipped out of it.
-T put Piper in a fireman’s carry and dumped him down. If Piper hoisted T up in the air, T would submit because B.A Baracus is terrified of flying.
-Soon after, a huge four way brawl erupted...then Cowboy Orton got into it...then Snuka climbed to the top rope and stood ready to SUPERFLY ALL OVER SOMEONE!!! THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Snuka jumped down and Muhammad Ali climbed to the ring and retook order by taking swings at both Orton and Piper. They both ducked out of the ring.
-Piper and his gang walked out towards the backstage. The count began and they came back.
-The Hulkster took control...he tagged in Mr. T, who bodyslammed Piper and hiptossed Orndorff.
-The heels took control after Orndorff clotheslined Hogan from behind and sent him out of the ring.
-Orndorff and Piper had their way with Hogan for a while...T seemed to be wheezing in his corner.
-T was tagged in..and took his first real punishment of the night...Orndorff totally gave him a lesson in mat wrestling.
-T tagged Hogan in...you started to clean house. Mr. T was officially exhausted as he stayed slumped in his corner. Sucking air like it was going out of style.
-Mayhem kept coming...Orton tried to get into it, but Snuka headbutted him out of the ring...GO GET HIM SUPERFLY!!!!! NOW GO GIVE PIPER A LITTLE REVENGE ACTION FOR THAT COCONUT A YEAR OR SO AGO!!!!!!!!!!
-Orndorff held Hogan for Piper.....Piper ran in to punch.....Mr. T swooped in and tackled Piper away.....Orndorff turned Hogan around for Orton, who was perched on the top rope and waiting....Orton jumped...Hogan moved...Orndorff got hit on the back of the head....Hogan went for the pin...Patterson counted to three...HULK-A-MANIA WINS!!!!!!!!!!! HULK-A-MANIA WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! HULK-A-MANIA RIDES TALL AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD!!!!
-Meanwhile...Mr. T looked about as lifelike as Max Headroom.....he was TOTALLY wiped.
-As the good guys celebrated, Piper punched out Patterson....Pat went down flailing his arms and screaming “MY FACE, MY FACE!! LIBERACE, HELP ME!!!” I don’t get the connection between those two. They must have become friends backstage or something.
-Meanwhile, Mr. T tried to help up Orndorff..who was still knocked out. Orndorff got up and stumbled out of the ring, refusing help. He was like..SO confused.
-The good guys celebrated with Ali and Liberace......Hogan posed....I was REALLY into it...I wish there was a good word to describe “getting into the moment”......HEEEYYYY!! How about “marking”? I was “marking” out!! I like it..it’s got a kick to it. I’ll see if I can get it to catch on!!
-The show ended with an interview with Hogan and T by Gene Okerlund. Mr. T looked like he lost a lung in the match...all he could get out was the phrase, “It’s rough out there, it’s rough out there!” Hogan told us all to say our prayers and take our vitamins......I sure will Hulkster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good show....great show.....a ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT!!!!!!!! really, it was incredible!!!! I don’t know HOW they could top this.....what would they do? WRESTLEMANIA 2?????
Anyways, I have to go off now. I got things to do and I really should call up the girl and ask her out. The worse she could do is laugh in my face. Of course, that probably would make me horribly bitter for the rest of my life...but you have to take that chance right? I’ll be back next week with a brand new addition to the Mop-Up. Starting next week, I’ll be including a CLOSER to the Mop-Up!!! It’ll be great, trust me! I hope you enjoyed this...because there won’t be too many more Mop-Ups coming up. I mean, I really don’t plan on doing this FOREVER you know! It’s got to end sometimes! I figure...6 more months is enough. Then I’ll give it up and do something PRODUCTIVE with my life. Still, that is a long ways away. Lots of time left. So, you go do whatever it is you do and I’ll go do the same. GOD BLESS HULKAMANIA!!! GOD BLESS PIPER!!!!!!!!GOD BLESS WRESTLING!!!! IT WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS THIS!!!!!!!
This is Hyatte