Mop-Up RAW 11.04.00
Titled Is This Supposed To Be Entertainment?
You are a very sick person. I didn't find your story a bit funny. I don't know who you think you are, but sometimes it's best to keep your opinions to yourself. This is one of those times. Do you not realize that there are Christian people who may not appreciate you mocking our Savior. May God be with you and your sick mind.
Chris & Marie Pleasants: firstname.lastname@example.org
It took both of them to write this?
The ironic thing is, there was nothing "Pleasant" about this letter.
In your last mop up you wrote some bulls**t about how government issue pot wouldnt be good? Anyone smoking pot knows the street level sh*t here in america is schwag bull**it and anything the government grows will be better than the supposed "Jamaican" kind you smoke...why do i always hear this word, "jamaican" as if jamaican weed is all that great, in a place where they still smoke leaves as opposed to buds. what a joke...i bet it has "red hairs" and is "kind bud" too... Legalizing it keeps people who shouldnt be in prison out of prison, ok? You could fu**in grow your own for christ's sake. and why would you go see Unbreakable, what hollywood drivel.
Name not given: Ryanpres1@cs.com
See kids? Smoke enough pot and you end up sounding like this. Curiously, you also seem to develop a mysterious aversion to upper case lettering.
Oh hey, This is the Mop-Up and I am the Internet Hooligan(coined and supported by Dave Scherer). I thought we'd zip through just a few opening notes and swig into the wine of Monday Nights. How's that for a total and complete non-change of pace?
Well, as per usual, we'll kick things off with some plugs. This week's And Another Thing is some observations about the state of WCW as of late. I keep reading it over and damn if it isn't one of my better pieces. I think you'll like it, even if you don't care about WCW anymore. So check it out right... oh how about... HERE.
For the three of you who might give a crap, I WAS going to try to make up for two weeks of AAT repeats by posting TWO new columns back to back... but I was having serious problems finding the... "hook" of the second one. So I shelved it. Maybe I'll go back to it later this week and polish it up... or maybe I'll just kill it. Either way, I just wanted you to know that I will NOT put out just any piece of garbage. I put THOUGHT AND EFFORT into my nonsense. If MORE of these Internet Writers did this... think of what a great place Cyberspace would be.
This week's closer is an experiment. I am going to try something called "Wrestling in the Catskills". Basically, the premise is what if there was an "Old School Comedian", along the liners of Alan King, Freddie Roman, and Henny Youngman, whose entire act was based on professional wrestling? Well, I did my best to come up with a real routine along those lines. I think you'll either love it, or it'll bellyflop miserably. Either way, I hope you check it out as I CONTINUE to slave away for you ungrateful douchebags.
Let's not forget to swing by A1wrestling and see my stuff lumped in with some of the people who hate me the most. It's a good site too. It might end up being one of the bigger ones, so make it a daily stop.
And are we Respecting the Pussy? Good. Although Freakboy better not get too cocky about asking for some site bashing... or I may start a long lecture about how the once mighty Scoops has fast fallen into obscurity under his watch... something I would have NEVER let happen. Imagine, and they thought I'D be the one hurting from this divorce.
One last plug... this one from the inside. I really have to take my hat off to 411 here. I went online at 11:15 pm est on Monday just to pick up some last minute material for the column, (oh, all right... I was pathetically sniffing around the messages boards to see if my name came up at all... f-you) and right here on 411... they ALREADY had the recaps of both Nitro and Raw all posted. I really think that 411 has the FASTEST posted recaps on the web. So if you miss a PPV, or miss a show, and want to find out what happened FAST without any of my endless droning, check out Widro's Nitro and PK's Raw recaps. Them sonsabitches really haul ass to get the info out.
Moving on, whenever I spend a week completely berating a web asshole, I like to do a follow up the week after, just to see if there was any reaction.
Of course, Scaia is so terrified of me, the best he could muster was an ESPECIALLY LOVING fellatio on the penis of CRZ. Oh yeah, that hurts... Imbecile.
Bob Ryder, on the other hand, decided to do one of his occasional "I-Don't-Usually-Bother-But-I-Really-Feel-Like-I-Should" attacks on another Web Person. This time, it was the kids from the Torch. Feel free to venture over to their respective sites to get the low down of what they are bickering about now (The Torch is in the right, by the way, even though they acted douchey after posting my stolen article... I guess I can forget about it. So long as, if Dillard asks, Keller doesn't act all cocky about the subject when he does The Edge on Wednesday).
Ever notice that Bob only attacks his "peers"? Dave Meltzer and Wade Keller and their site mates? Ever wonder why? Well, I think it's because Bob is SO PHENOMENALLY JEALOUS that guys like Meltzer and Keller are the ones who Mick Foley writes about. They're the ones who are quoted in mainstream articles on wrestling. They are the ones who get soundbites used on Wrestling documentaries and news pieces. They are considered the "experts". Bob isn't. Nobody wants to know what Bob thinks. Even though Bob thinks he is in the same league as the other two... nobody mainstream pays attention to him. He so badly wants to be a "pundit"... and it kills him that he really isn't. So he lashes out on those who are. It's all insane Ryder jealousy.
Me? Oh I'm WAAAAY beneath Bob. That's why he never talks about me.
Scaia THINKS I'm beneath him... but what's got him so shaken about me is that he's slowly realizing that my rage towards him is cheered by a LOT of people who were just waiting for someone to start in on him. He's scared shitless.
Moving on to one last moron... a few weeks ago I said "his" retirement wouldn't last... and so it didn't. Not only that, but this the "new" Rantsylvania "Iron Chef" recapper with the silly, sounds made up, name is a LOT like the "old" recapper. Just an observation.
FINALLY... I saw Unbreakable... but I cannot give the ending away... even though I promised last week just to F-with y'all. Despite what the pot head above says, it's really a good movie and it would be a shame if I ruined the ending for you. It's truly a film that is best enjoyed if you go into it with as little warning as possible.
I WILL tell you this... the ending is NOT really a "twist". It's not like the 6th Sense where you want to see the movie again just to see how slick they were with the whole "Bruce Willis-Being-Dead-Without-Anyone-Noticing" hook. There is no real "shocker". What happens is that you KNOW that there is something coming... and you start getting pissed when it doesn't come. But then... in the last 120 SECONDS of the film, there is this small, final piece of the puzzle that slips right into place and BOOM... it all comes together and makes SENSE. You get mad, because the clues were all there... and they practically SCREAM the answer at you... but when the answer comes, you slap your forehead and scream, "D'OH!! OF COURSE!". So, no real twist... but a solid, very cool, very satisfying story that waits until the very end to complete itself. The only complaint I have is that the movie tends to plod a little. Too many lingering shots of a depressed Bruce Willis.
Oh F-It... Bruce and Sam L are brothers from Siamese Twins, and Samuel Jackson wants Bruce's bone marrow, kidneys, and a total blood transfusion so they can both be normal. There... I blew it for you ALL!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA SCREW YOU!!! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE FOR ME???
Okay, now that I've shat soundly in your Corn Flakes, let's jump into the business of recapping. Two shows came, two shows went... and once again I am wasting my day off, my time, my precious need for rest, my life, my youth, my body, my spirit... all of it... wasting away in front of a computer screen. Idly lazing about while time marches on and my ambitious peers go about being successful and rich. I have spent the last 5 years in prison... PRISON!!! Not, PRISON, prison... but a creative, emotional, personal prison. Five years encased in self-doubt... self-loathing... self-exile. I am an island of misery unto myself. A Universe of anquish. A world... a world of pity...
Now let's get on with the Patterson jokes...
RAW IS WAR (or: Vince = Ratings: Put to the Test)
-Opens with a "recap" of last week's shows. They call this a RECAP??? Where are the openers? Where are the rambling non-wrestling tangents? Where are the Gay jokes? WHERE ARE THE POINTLESS COMIC BOOK AND MOVIE REFERENCES?? Bah.. they can't recap.
-We see how HHH wuz fooled into attqacking McMahon while under the impression that he was attacking Austin. After all, their heads are SO much alike.
-It would NOT surprise me if they built this whole segment just for that one shot of Stephanie "blowing" out the candles. WHOOF... WHOOF... oh yeah, baby... come blow out my candle. I got some wax that WON'T burn you if touched.
-I bet Stephanie is the Kelly Bundy of the Generation Y set
-Listen closely to the sounds Vince and HHH make while the lights are out... if you listen carefully enough... they are the SAME EXACT NOISES Superman and General Zod's big, mute partner made as they fought in the sewers during Superman II (The best damn superhero movie of them all)... HUUURGH... HUUWWAAA.
-"Is there no one on this planet to even CHALLENGE ME???"
-"REVENGE!!! Now we're talking, huh?"
-"What an undemanding male this Superman must be?"
-"Yeah, well you can use a tuck here and there yourself, Sister!"
-"You should see the White House, they'll be cleaning it for weeks!"
-"Kill me? Lex LUTHOR? Extinquish... the greatest criminal FLAME of our age? Eradicate
the only man on EARTH with...Superman's address?"
-"Superman, Thank God. I mean... GET HIM!!!"
-"The next time, we will kill him!"
-"The next time? The next time? What am I gonna do with you people, huh?"
-Plus... that stirring music... nah nanananaaaa.... naaa naaa naaaa... nah nanananaaa... NUH na naaaaaaaa
-JOEL SHUMACHER CAN LICK MY BALLS WITH THAT... THAT... THAT BATMAN CRAP!!!
-and from what I hear... he'd be more than happy to do just that
-okay so... the movie wasn't PERFECT... the editing was pure crap... what was that move where Supes threw colored Reynold's Wrap at them... AND WHAT WAS THIS BLUE SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF THEIR HANDS??? SINCE WHEN ARE KRYPTONIANS TELEKINETIC?
-It ends with HHH and Stephanie fawning over a bloody Vince. HHH yells, "AUSTINNN!!" I have no idea why. Was he hoping that Austin would come back and say "Yeah?"
-In the "shadow of New York City", 17'000+ people have sold out the "Continental Airlines Arena" at the Meadowlands, in the city lovingly called, "Joyzee". It's nice that they are entertaining the crowd as they wait for the shuttle to La Guardia.
-see... err... Continental Airlines owns the building... and... La Guardia is usually jammed packed... umm... so, they built this arena to... hmm... err... *cough*
-"Armageddon" is THIS Sunday... because we can simply NOT have a goddam week when NO ONE IS DEMANDING OUR PPV DOLLARS!!!!!!!!
-WWF New York is packed too... see, now THEY are waiting for the shuttle bus to JFK! (because I don't just bomb... I bomb like a MOTHERFU**AAAA)
-Jim Ross welcomes us... and introduces Jerry Lawler. Lawler asks "Are you ready to get RAW?" (that sounds so... perverted coming out of his mouth)
-Time shall not be wasted, thus the Undertaker rolls out on his big motorbike. (I could have sworn I saw the "Hot Wheels" logo stuck on it's side). Ross says that the days OF ENDLESS, DRONING MONOLOGUES THAT OPEN THESE SHOWS ARE OVER!!!! THIS IS HOT, BLOODY, THRILLING ACTION THAT ONLY THE WWF CAN DELIVER!!! Apparently, the monologues will now be the main event.
-Under that Undertaker's name on screen, we see a tiny "Undertaker.com"... now that's just not RIGHT... UT shouldn't have a WEBSITE!!
-On the front of his shirt read "Deadman Inc."... I have a REALLY sick line about Hitler using Jewish blood for ink and how the UT apparently supports the practice... but I'll refrain. Feel free to applaud my good sense.
-Rikishi waddled out. He was the baddest Heel ALIVE for about 2 weeks. Now he's just a fat guy. PUSHES DON'T NORMALLY LOOK IF THE GUY KEEPS LOSING, PEOPLE!!!
-Ross tells us that Mr. McMahon is scheduled to be here TONIGHT! He made it a point to tell us this during every match.
-The match starts off as a scientific CLINIC COMPLETE WITH TAKEDOWNS, COMPLEX LOCKS, AND DAZZLING GRECO-ROMAN CATCH-AS-CATCH-CAN THAT WOULD MAKE BOB ROOP SAY "JESUS!"
-No, I lied. They just traded punches. Feel free to "Ask the Dick" who Bob Roop was and watch the smoke come out of his ears.
-Rikishi punched and stomped UT into the corner. UT fought back by evading a charging Ass (Man, I can't tell you how many nightmares I've had that included a giant Ass chasing me down a tunnel)
-UT shouted "OLD SCHOOL", then climbed to the top ropes. No, "Old School" would be if "Cowboy" Bill Watts ran out and screamed, "Hey boy, that there is illegal NOW!"
-Watts didn't come out, but Kurt Angle did. He looked at UT, UT looked back. Rikishi stood there on the mat acting dazed for about 30 seconds too long. Just when things were about to go from "incredibly awkward" to "incredibly stupid"... Riksihi threw UT down to the mat.
-Rikishi with a big belly to belly. UT kicked out of the pin attempt
-UT launched more offense. Then jumped outside and attacked Kurt Angle.
-Back in the ring, UT dropped Rikishi with a BEAUTIFUL DDT that he hit while rebounding off the ropes. There was no pause, it was in one fluid motion. WHICH INTERNET IDIOT SAID THAT HE SHOULD CALL IT QUITS????
-UT went for the chokeslam, but left it in order to whack Angle down off the apron. He turned back around...
-and caught a Kirishki (whatEVER) kick right to the mush.
-Rikishi with the legdrop. UT kicked out... well, actually he just moved his arm up a LITTLE... his shoulders were still CLEANLY ON THE MAT... Teddy Long deemed it a kick out. Give the guy a break... he's from Atlanta. (What that means? Haven't the foggiest. Does it still fit? BET'CHA ASS!!!!!)
-Shikiki with ANOTHER kick. Then dragged him to the corner. Dropped his ass right on him. (At this point, I always wake up screaming... and with a massive hardon... and half my pillow wedged up my ass)
-Ikishik scores the clean pin. UT does the job. Good. 'Kishi needed a win.
-Afterwards, Angle ran in and attacked UT. UT swung wildly. We got us a double team. Ross cursed the evil Bitch Demon who borne Mr Angle. The Heels walked away in triumph!
-Vince McMahon's image flashes on the screen. He's coming.
-backstage, there is no one at the WWF Commissioner and LT Commissioner's desk. Lawrence Taylor hasn't been around in YEARS... WHY DOES HE NEED HIS OWN COMMISSIONER???
-yeah, I know... what can I do?
-Ross LIES and says that we are "Live"... when we are actually at a PRE-TAPED moment from the last segment. That fat bastard.
-Michael Cole has hunted down Debra. (And it is truly a wonder to actually see Mike hunt... BWAHAHAHAHAAA). She tells him that Mick is stuck in traffic and will be arriving shortly. I tell ya', that Debra is all sorts of cute. She was born ten years too early.
-The Hardy Boyz come out with Lita.
-Bull Buchanon and the Godfather come out with Stevie Richards, Ivory, and Val Venis. Of course, the Ref had something to say about potential outside interference, so Lita was given the BIG BOOT!! SEE YA!!! NOSEY LITTLE TRAMP!!!
-Kidding... I'm KIDDING... I'm a kidder. The RTC folks were ordered off the premises. Lita can stay... because Ivory was never the "Make the Kids Rub Themselves" Type. Lita makes the kids rub... and makes their Pappys rub too. I'm rubbing myself right now, in fact.
-So, this match carried forth. If you are the type that enjoys hackneyed prose, then this is the proverbial "Speed vs Power" match.
-That Jeff Hardy. He can't do a top rope flying Moonsault like a NORMAL person... oh no... he has to twist himself mid-air so he is hitting his targets right side UP. Then he stood up and bowed a few times.
-OH MY GOD!!! JEFF HARDY LOOKS JUST LIKE THAT YOUNG KID WHO GOT BUTTF**KED ON THE SHOW "QUEER AS FOLK" HOLY COW!! IDENTICAL!!
-Have you SEEN that show? Ooph.
-Why was I watching it? Because I wanted to see if one of the characters wrote for Wrestleline on the show... I heard rumors
-The Hardyz took off the shirts. The girls swooned... as did a few guys! (Joyzee... figures)
-Suddenly, the Dudley's came out wearing RTC shirts and ties. The watched for a while,. then distracted the Ref while the Hardyz had the win at hand. Buchanon damn near took off Matt Hardy'z head off and hit the big pin. The Dudley's walked back satisfied and sneering. The Goodfather and Bull looked baffled. The Hardyz looked dismayed. Lita looked horny (wild bitch), Ross and Lawler sounded baffled, dismayed, AND horny. What were they up to? And how can a geeky, paler than an albino Buh Buh REALLY be the Brother of so-black-he's damn-near-purple D-Von?
-Backstage, Debra is pulled away from her "WWF RAW" magazine (give me a BREAK)... by Road Dog and K Kwick (ugh). Doggy calls her the "Light Commish", then bitches about how Teddy Long screwed them out of the titles last week. Debra assures them that Long was reprimanded and said that after weeks and weeks of hard jobbing, Road Dogg and K Kwick DO deserve a title re-match.
-This brought out Edge and Christian. They remind Debra that they are three time tag champs and have yet to score even ONE title match against the RTC.
-Edge called RD and KK "Reekazoids"
-Edge ignored him... didn't even look at him. In all fairness, Edge was wearing sunglasses... and K Kwick makes D-Von damn near look like Woody Allen. He probably couldn't see the guy.
-He saw Road Dogg, though. RD told "Percy Sledge" and "Sister Christian" (motoriiiiiin') to go "get dressed up like Ike and Tina" and they'll whip BOTH their asses.
-Edge, "That doesn't even make sense?"
-Doggy, "It makes sense to me and him!"
-Kwick, "It do? I mean... YEAH!"
-Christian goofed on their style of dress. Someone get that damn do-rag off that hick... PLEASE
-Debra put two and two together, put down the calculator, then decided that these four men should wrestle. She left and the guys jawed at each other.
-Moments ago... well, you were there.
-Dean Malenko entered the Hardyz locker room and presented Lita with flowers. He asked Lita out on a date. Lita thought it over for a full second, then whacked Deano over the head with the posies. The Hardyz tossed Dean out of the room. I should add that Dean sold the flower shot as if it was a lead pipe. I should also add that Dean should have TAKEN HIS CHANCES AND STAYED IN ATLANTA!!!!!!!
-Elsewhere, HHH and Rikishi decide that two against four is much better than one against five... so they should form an alliance in the Hell in the Cell cage match. Rikishi asked what would happen if they were the last two standing? HHH said that they could flip a coin, and the winner gets the belt. After dodging HHH's nose, which suddenly shot out and headed straight for his eyeball, Rikishi agreed. The camera closed in on their handshake deal. UNITY... BROTHERHOOD... HELPING HANDS!! THIS IS WHAT THE WWF IS ALL ABOUT!!!
-Just don't try to form a Union... or your ass is BLACKBALLED!!!! And I ain't talking 'bout being raped by a black dude, either.
-Chris Benoit came out. He got on the stick and asked, "Will someone please tell me what the Hell 'The One: Billy Gunn' is supposed to mean?" (yeah? YEAH?? What's up with that?)
-Benoit's best guess was that Billy would be the "one" who gets his ass beat for the IC championship by the world's greatest technical wrestler at Armageddon! That's just the way it is and you can feel free to prove him WRONG!!
-He started to rag on Hardcore Holly a bit when...
-Hardcore Holly came on out to stop it. Holly had a mic of his own. Hooly suggested that maybe the "one" is actually Benoit, who will be the "one" laid out after getting a butt whuppin' from Hardcore... then he called Benoit the "World's Greatest Technical Moron"... then asked, "So how do you like me NOW"? (Didn't Juliet Lewis use that line in Natural Born Killers?) He charged the ring.
-They traded punches. Benoit with a sharp snap suplex.
-Benoit starts chopping. The crowd screams, "WHOOO"
-Lawler starts to ask why doesn't Al Gore conceed? (Because he cannot stand the idea of losing what he always thought was his birthright to lummox from Texas. Because THIS is the real Al Gore... a whiney little CRYBABY!! This will be how History judges him.)
-Holly nailed Benoit with a forearm/clothesline. Benoit goes down. Benoit stays down. Benoit is knocked up. Holly looks at Benoit. Picks his head up a few times. Looks at his arm. Remembers that he has a piece of iron surgically placed in there. Demanded that they bring out mirrors and began his big push as "THE REAL NARCISSIST"
-Then Holly went for the pin. Benoit managed to get his foot on the ropes. The Ref stopped the count, even though from his vantage point, there was NO WAY IN HELL he could have seen the foot. (oy)
-Holly draped Benoit chest first over the top rope. Lifted him up by his feet, and JAMMED his foot right in Benoit's groin. Benoit jumped up and down like a jackrabbit with a Pocket Rocket up his ass. That HAD to hurt.
-Power suplex by Holly. Benoit still kicked out.
-HUGE dropkick by Holly. His feet BURIED themselves into Benoit's chest.
-Holly picked Benoit up again, Benoit slipped in the Crossface. After a few attempts to lock in Holly's bad arm, Benoit switched sides smoothly and locked up his good arm. Holly tapped out. I wanted them to shake hands afterwards. This was a stiff match.
-Hey, I'll be honest... I have no clue what "Smashmouth" means... but I recon that this match is the closest thing to "smashmouth" as you can get.
-Backstage, Debra is waiting for Mick Foley to arrive. A long, black limousine pulls up. (Mick Foley? In a LIMO?? SELL OUT!!! SELL OUT!!!! WE BELIEVED IN YOU MICK!!! WE BELIEVED IN YOU, DAMMIT!!)
-Oh... wait. It was Vincent K. "Can't anyone run this company other than ME??" McMahon. No questions about "selling out" here.
-Vince steps out. He looks Debra over. He wonders if he can get her in the Limo for a few minutes of "hide the bologna". He decides against it.
-The GOOD news is... Vince had an arrogant little swagger to him. It's always a good sign when Vince is in a cocky mood.
-Across the street lies Giant Stadium... where the New York/New Jersey Hitmen will play. (From what I understand, they were INCHES away from calling the team "The New York/New Jersey Triple Slammy Award Winners"... but wiser heads prevailed)
-The COACH of this team is there. His name is Rusty Tillman. If there was EVER a perfect name for a Coach... it's that one.
-For the oddest reason, Ross kept referencing the Lynard Skynard song all night while talking up the big PPV in Alabama next week. No, not "Ooo, That Smell"... although it, no doubt, would fit.
-Mick Foley FINALLY arrives... in a RENTAL CAR, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! Debra greets him and immediately starts in on the day she is having. Mick looks at her and says, "Collette, did you dye your hair?"
-Hey ladies... it's stuff like this that drives us to DRINK!!!!!
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Vince barges in on Rikishi and HHH. He orders Rikishi to take a walk. 'Kishi practically says, "Yessir Massa!" and bails out.
-Vince tells HHH that Stephanie isn't there tonight because things might get messy between them. Vince wants to know what happened last week and then will decide whether he should whup HHH's ass, or sit down and talk to him rationally... (oh come now... can we have a LITTLE realism, here? HHH's ass is in NO danger from Old Man Vince.)
-HHH shoots back that Vince refuses to take his calls... and never answered the door when he's came over to explain things (yeah, Vince owns a 3 bedroom ranch in the suburbs... what did I just say about having some REALISM??)
-HHH blamed Austin. Vince asked HHH is he remembered LAST year's Armageddon? Because Vince sure does. Then he walked out. (Umm... hello?? Vince? Some of us don't have every friggin' second of WWF TV committed to memory... I couldn't tell you what happened on Raw last WEEK!! Shit, I can barely remember what happened an hour ago!!!Could someone please remind US?? HELLOOOO?)
-Kevin Kelly had the Rock. After reminding us that Kelly is a hermaphrodite... and discussing the "dangerousness" of the Hell in the Cell, or the "Rage in the Cage" or the "Panus to Uranus"... he talked up the PPV by whipping off his glasses (geeze, he's a handsome fella) and doing a hilarious impression of all four of his opponents.
-Kurt Angle... with wide eyes, "I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk! Eat some chocolate chip cookies! And maybe I'll take three Viagra?"
-Rikishi... with blank eyes, "I did it... for the Rock. I did it... for the people. I did it... aw shut your mouth, you thong wearing fatty!"
-The Undertaker... with cross eyes, mocking the famous UT sit-up, "Rest... in... peaaaace", then falling back down again.
-There's HHH... "Which meansahh... he's gotta beat the Gaaamaaah. In the middle of the ringggah... and he's got a two dollar slut for a wifeaaah!"
-After a pause... to make them wait for it... he slips on an Austin camoflauge hat and, "I gotta get in my pickup truck, drink some Steveweisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the Bottom Liine, 'cause the Great One says so!"
-That finished, the Rock put his shades back on and wrapped up. He's at his best when he has room to groove like this. Great promo.
-Meanwhile, the Undertaker just stormed out of and screamed, "DAMN!!" Jeeze, you'd think that after ten years HE, of all the stars, would know when NOT to walk in on Patterson during his weekly "Facial" (Three guesses where the "ointment" came from... only three... nevermor... I mean, never four).
-Oh... he DID know better... he was just mad because Mick Foley rejected his proposal for a title match against Angle tonight. Foley's plan was to give Jericho the shot tonight in a special "Fight Until Kane Shows Up" Match. Mick also snuck in a cheap pop shout to New Jersey, and looked around happily as the crowd popped (this is the stupidest show ever created).
-Oh, and in case you didn't notice... you just read the "OFFICIAL MOP-UP PATTERSON JOKE OF THE WEEK!!!!! Thank you.
-The ROCK hosted Sunday Night Heat... and completely sliced off the innuendo behind the creation of his "Pie" shtick by hosting a REAL Pie eating contest. EITHER SHOW HOT ORAL SEX OR DON'T EVEN BOTHER, DAMMIT!!! WHY, OH GOD WHY DID RUSSO HAVE TO LEAVE?????
-How many of you thought the Rock was going to hit Taz with the pie? I'm guessing, EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!!
-Dean Malenko has an offer for Lita. They have a match. If Lita wins, she gets the LH title. If Dean wins. She goes out on a date with him. Lita, who pays WAAAY too close attention to what Rosie O'Donnell has to say, actually thought that she might have a chance against a MAN and agreed. Dean gave her chocolates. She took one and slapped the rest away before slamming the door in Dean's face. Meanwhile, if you go by his grave late at night, you might hear the heartbreaking sobs of Boris Malenko coming from somewhere below ground. Shh... quiet... listen.... you are no son of miiiiine.
-God created Lita's face just so guys can make a mess on it. I am convinced. Look at that thing.
-Edge and Christian came out. They had a mic.
-In honor of the Road Dog/ K Kwick union... they had a fancy "rap" for them.
-"We're Edge and Christian and we're full of bliss. 'Cause we totally reek of awesomeness! To the... the... licky boom boom nowww.
-Doggy and Kwicky run out. Thank GOD for this team... because it FINALLY allows me to be more fair and balanced with my recaps and blow THIS match off like I do numerous Nitro matches off! (I think I set a personal record, this week)
-Or... "In case you didn't get what I'm trying to say... Mac Daddy Hyatte's gonna blow this away!"
-WHERE MY NIGGAZ AT?? HOOTY HO??
-Kurt Angle walks in on HHH and Rikishi and suggests that all three of them pair up in the cage match? Angle adds that in order for this "Triple Threat" (MY GOD!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!) to work, he'll need a hand taking care of Jericho tonight. I half expected the phone to ring, HHH pick it up... listen for a few minutes, then say to Angle, "It's Helen Keller. She says not to worry because even she knows that Kane will screw the match up tonight."
-Jericho is hat as a madder.
-Vince is doing his cocky strut towards Austin's locker room. Vince walks like every semi-rich Italian guy in every Nightclub I have ever been in.
-Vince has words for Austin. I WISH I could say what they were, but for the first time... EVER... I was too busy watching the last few minutes of Nitro (wasn't half bad)
-Kurt Angle comes out for his "Fight Until Kane Shows Up" Match
-Lawler says that it's "ridiculous" that Al Gore won't concede. Relax Jerry, he has no shot at winning it anymore. It's just a matter of time now.
-Part of me is happy... yet there's this part of me that thinks we are in for a looooong four years.
-Kurt gets on the mic and says that he realizes that this state isn't exactly associated with winners..." At which point, I sign is shown saying, "KIRT, STOP CRYING"... which prompted JR, the ELITIST SNOB, to snort, "or good spellers!" What? So the guy made a spelling mistake? YOU try sounding out those letters when you can barely READ, Jimbo!! (hey, if you could SEE all the e-mails I've gotten over the years... WHOOF... exactly WHEN did we start following Canada's lead and stop even TRYING to spell words properly?)
-Basically, Angle was bitching about not getting enough prep time for this match...
-Jericho came out without a mic. There will be NO prep time.
-They get going. I find myself wistfully hoping for the day when Jericho turns HEEL again.
-If Austin refuses to work a program with Jericho, wouldn't that make the WWF just as bad as WCW?
-The answer is yes... but the REAL question is will the WWF-biased Internet RECOGNIZE the obvious similarities?
-The answer is: I'll cross the F-ing bridge when I get to it.
-As far as the match went... it was okay. Pretty good. Nothing AWESOME, but perfectly respectable.
-Jericho hit a nice second-corner Missile Dropkick. He also got off a Springboard Moonsault.
-The Ref was down. So Angle had time to kick out. Jericho got on the Walls move.
-But, as per the stips of this match (see 12 marks ago), Kane showed up and yanked the Ref out of the ring. It was Teddy Long, replacing the laid out Ref.
-Jericho knocked Kane down, but ate a low blow from behind.
-One Olympic Slam, and this match was finito
-Meanwhile, Kane chokeslammed Jericho. Ross called him a "pathetic freak of nature!!!" (AHA!!! So his last name IS Shannon and he DOES have family in Toledo!!)
-spot for the PPV... you should ALL order it for the simple reason that not ONCE... not at ANY TIME do they tell us that we "CANNOT IMAGINE what will happen if we do NOT see this pay per view!" THANK you, WWF... thank you VERY MUCH!!
-footage of what just happened.
-Kurt Angle barges in on HHH and Rikishi and yells at them about not helping him just then. Both guys were like, "Hey Moron... " HHH did tell Angle that his idea for a Triple Threat (grrr), was a good one.
-The "One" Billy Gunn came out with Chyna, the IC belt, AND a theme song that proves that the 80'S WILL LIVE AGAIN!!!!!!! (terrific... God knows the world was drooling for that Billy Idol comeback)
-Chyna was NOT having a good day, look-wise.
-Ross mentioned these "rumors" about Chyna's social life... I forget where I heard it, but there might be some fooling around with a member of N 'Synch... which would pretty much make them the Boy Band that HAS to die... (bad enough they get to pass Britney Spears around)
-Say, has anyone seen that Britney milk ad? Am I crazy or did they shade in a tiny area over the waist of her lowered pants where her chooch begins?
-Val Venis came out with Ivory. This was for the IC title. DUUUH
-Time was wasted, NOT!
-Val sold a BIG toss into the corner
-Billy... eww, I feel faggy... Gunn... better, sort of... took control. Lawler AGAIN asked why Gore doesn't just conceed? (Well, so much for bi-partison)
-Val worked on Gunn's arm OLD SCHOOL STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!! (trans: Rest Hold City)
-Lawler, "I was looking for something, earlier. But Chyna found it for me."
-Ross, "What's that?"
-Lawler, "I was looking for my eyeballs. Chyna found it in her cleavage HAH HAH!!!" (yeesh... after years of this, The King is finally venturing into "Dirty Old Man" territory)
-Val worked on Gunn's arm.
-Ivory slapped Gunn when no one was looking.
-Lawler claimed that Malenko was going about it all wrong. He said that if it was him, he would have gone up to Lita and said, "I want to be an M & M, I want to melt in your mouth and not in your hand!!" (Oh, for a second, I thought he was going to say he wanted to talk about beating up gay people and killing his girlfriend while watching Christina Aquilera have both Freddie Durst and Carson Daley duel in her mouth).
-Ivory stepped in one last time... Chyna had enough and clotheslined Venis. The bell rang. Chyna proceeded to kick Val. Ivory stepped in and hesitated, not quite sure what to do.
-She finally gave Chyna a LAME double axe handle... Chyna turned around. Ivory's mouth opened wider and wider and wider (There's every third date I've ever had... and quite a few first dates... OOOH!!!! BOO-F-ING-YAAA YA BASTARDS!!!!!!!!
-Chyna picked Ivory up and gave her a Running Powerslam (somewhere in Canada... a drunken Davey Boy Smith suddenly stumbled to his feet, threw his bottle of Beefeater into the TV screen, kicked his Yorkshire Terrier, and shouted, "'AT'S ME BLOODY FINISHER, YA BLOOMIN' BLOODY 'ORE!!! WHERE THE 'ELL IS THAT WANKER BRET?? WE OUTTA GET OUR BUMS BACK THERE AN' KILL THE BLOODY LOT OF THEM!!!" (it's true... when he's drunk, Davey Boy uses numerous English dialects, and throws in a little Irish too.)
-Lawler claimed to have almost seen a bit of Ivory's unmentionables as she went down and her skirt billowed around...
-Ivory fell out of the ring, (or she was thrown... either way). Chyna followed and picked her up again. Val kicked her in the gut. She dropped Ivory. Val threw her across the announce table, where she slid onto the floor on the other side. You never SAW Ross move so fast out of the way... as if some Chynese head was a BAD thing?
-Val DDT'ed Gunn in the ring as Ivory went psycho and wailed on Chyna. Ross proved more talk than walk by screaming, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET OFF HER!!!!"
-The RTC walked away. Ross called for Gunn get over there. He acted as if he never had a girl under his table before!!
-Meanwhile, Vince walked into the Rock's dressing room and advised him to tell Mick Foley that he will NOT compete in the cage match this Sunday. Rocky thanked Vince for his concern.
-Lita was walking. Dean was squirting some cologne on his person. Ross claimed it was "Old Spice".
-Lita came out.
-Malenko came out to some new theme music. It sounded a LOT like that old 80's band "Europe"... (It's the FINAL COUNTDOWWWWWWN)
-Ross says it was "James Bond" type music... okay, I can see that.
-"Malenko... Dean Malenko"... umm... okay... not terrible.
-Funny thing about Malenko as he came out. First, he stroked his imaginary beard... which seems to be a pre-requisite for ANY wrestler trying to pick up a girl on-air. Second, he took his belt off his shoulder... looked at it as if to be sure he took the right one, then hung it back on his shoulder. How many belts does this guy supposed to have? Was there really a danger that he took the wrong one?
-The bell rang. Dean shoved her down. He tried to help her back up. She went for the roll-up. He kicked out.
-We got a little mat wrestling. Then Dean went for a Sidewalk Slam. Lita turned it into a Hurracarana.
-Lita with the go-behind. Dean elbowed her in the jaw (YEAH!)
-In the corner, Dean seemed to realize that he was a MAN... and STOMPED THE LOVIN' PISS OUT OF HER!!!! THIS IS DEAN MALENKO!!!! THE SHOOTER!!!! THE ONE-TIME NUMBER 1 CRUISERWEIGHT IN WCW!!!! WHAT IS HE DOING SELLING FOR A GIRL?????
-Lawler was rooting for Lita, because he would demand a title shot. Ross diplomatically pointed out that the King is one too many hamburgers from being anywhere near "Light"
-Malenko's Powerbomb was turned into a armdrag.
-Dean goes for a top rope Atomic Suplex. Lita elbows him down and hits a Moonsault. Dean kicks out.
-Excuse me... Dean, to paraphrase the great... err.. guy who managed Apollo Creed... "She don't know it's a damn show... she thinks it's a damn fight for her GENDER! Now finish this Bitch off, and let's go HOME!"
-Malenko blocked a Flying Hurracarana with a drop kick. He put on the Cloverleaf. Lita nonchalantly slapped the mat a few times before Dean really even cinched the move up a little. (Jesus, Girly... at least sell it for a SECOND) Dean wins and Lita owes him one date. She slaps him across the face (Hey!! Mexican foreplay!!! DEAN'S IN!!!)
-Will History repeat itself and she evenutally hook up with Malenko while screwing the Hardyz and thus, SHOCKING the world? God, I hope not. If these two try to play the "Couple" gimmick... Lita's youth and Dean's stone faced acting will make Eddie and Chyna look like Goddam Romeo and Motherf-ing Juliet.
-Vince finds the guy tooling with the UT's bike and suits on the bike. He tells the guy to go fetch the "Taker" and fetch him NOW.
-spot for the XFL Cheerleaders. Look up "Sexual Harrassment" in the dictionary and you'll find, "Cheerleaders forced to date the football players then forced to talk about it on camera"... this is one trainwreck you KNOW is coming.
-Ross and Lawler set up a...
-video look at the WWF British PPV... in Sheffield, England. Who knew B-Movie star Craig Sheffield was so huge in the UK that they named and entire TOWN after him. I always thought he was rather bland.
-Vince is fiddling with the UT's bike. Both he and the camera pull up to see the UT standing there, staring at him. Vince scurries off the bike and gives the same advice to him that he gave to the Rock and presumably (soIwatchedNitrofporafewminutessoWHATfyou) to Austin. UT's response was to spit a wad of shaw spuit onto Vince's shiny sports coat. Vince obviously had a major flashback and barked, "Why Mark? WHY?" Then he told UT to keep his family away from all dangerous heights for at least the next 4 years.
-William Regal sneered his way to the ring. We see that Molly Holly helped Crash Holly beat his Lordship right in his home country (Man... talk about busting balls!)
-Regal grabbed the mic and announced that he has been "besmirched". Because he was robbed of the European title in his hometown, in front of friends, family, and his dear, old Father... all thanks to that "Bloody tart, Molly Holly!" (Really? She was on her period? No wonder Sheffield reported an inordinant amount of Seagulls in town over the weekend!)
-Regal wanted Crash to get out there and bring that "bloody scrubba" with him!!
-Crash was happy to oblige. He brought the Scrubby tart with him. No telling if she was still cycling... Joizee isn't exactly odor free, you know. There are LOTS of interesting smells to keep the gulls busy.
-They had their match. Regal SCHOOLED THE LITTLE PRICK!!!!! GO WHITE BOY, GO WHITE BOY GO!!!!!
-Crash offered a little something, which was highlighted by a Missile Dropkick.
-Crash went for a Flying Head Scissors... Regal instead dumped him belly first hard on the mat.
-Regal hit the "STF"... Crash tapped and Regal regained the Euro strap.
-Regal wouldn't let go. Molly climbed the ring apron. Molly... err.. oh f-it
-Regal gave Molly the STF until Hardcore ran out and chased him away. Regal grabbed the belt and walked away smiling.
-At the WWF New York, T & A stuck a "T" sticker on some APA t-shirts and threw them into the crowd.
-Footage of what is now being called "The Regal Rampage". (well, *I'M* calling it that)
-Backstage, Molly is in tears as the medics look over her. Hardcore is VERY upset.
-Elsewhere, Mick Foley laid out two more matches for the PPV to Michael Cole... I'll leave it up to YOU to find out what they are... Beeoytch. Debra smiled and enjoyed displaying her melons.
-Vince sashays into the interview and tells Mick that his big "State of the WWF" address is coming up next. Mick says that he cannot wait. *I say I cannot believe this is their main event for the night!
-Finally... out comes Vincent K. "WCW is run by a pack of petty, immature, IDIOTS!!" McMahon. Camera spots a guy in a "Vince" mask (although it could also pass for Dick Nixon). Lawler asks if it's Al Gore, and AGAIN hoped he concedes.
-HEY, QUICK... which Internet F-Face will have THIS "Rhetorical Question" in his Tuesday column this week?
-"How sick were you of hearing Lawler complain about Al Gore?"
-My answer is... as sick as we are getting of seeing you ask this pointless, obvious meaningless questions to fill space and generate more views?
-Vince enters the ring and grabs a mic. He announces that he was there to deliver the "State of the WWF Address" (Maybe he'll explain why they have LOST THEIR BALLS???)
-Considering the time he's been away, and how bad things have gotten, he has no idea where to begin.
-Then Vince blew his top and screamed, "AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO CAN BOOK THIS CRAP??? AM I THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD??? FOR CHRISSAKES, DO YOU THINK THESE FOOTBALL LEAGUES GET STARTED BY THEMSELVES??? I'M 54 YEARS OLD AND TOO DAMN OLD TO BE PUTTING IN 22 HOUR DAYS"
-Recovering, quickly... his first topic was the hiring and the employment of Commissioner Mick Foley. Vince blamed the Wife for that stunt... but said that through Counseling and Therapy, they have worked out their differences. (Whoa... I imagine that once Vince told the Therapist about a certain crony by the name of "Pat", the guy canceled all of his appointments for the next two months and booked Vince for daily sessions! There... a little bonus for you)
-Vince said that only someone as "sadistic", "twisted", and "SICK" as Mick Foley would book these six huge names into one massive cage match.
-Vince carried on a bit, promoting the HELL out of this thing...
-Then Mick Foley came out himself. Vince asked, "What brings FAT ASS FOLEY, out here?" (Difference between him and Bischoff? Uncle Eric calls his workers names OFF camera)
-He took the mic and questioned some of his OWN booking choices... such as kidnapping his own Daughter, knocking out his own Son, putting himself in World title matches, and putting Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson in Evening Gown Matches (oh God... there are so many OTHER choices... I... I.. I honestly don't even know HOW to start!! ADRIAN ADONIS??? GIANT BIRDS!!! HILLBILLYS!!!! ROCCO!!!! POLKA DOTS ON DUSTY RHODES!!!)
-Foley said that his two Hells in the Cells both made his career and broke his career respectively, (wasn't there a third "HITH" with Kane on RAW one night? I'm sure SOME know-it-all douchebag will quickly shoot off the answer in HIS recap/column) and he would like to think that THIS coming Hell/Cell will ALSO make a career (err... aren't most of them pretty much made already?)... and perhaps... it will end a career or two as well. (and if that happens to one of the big guns... I think the odds that we might see the return of a certain "Bad Guy", soon afterwards, will skyrocket!)
-After some more Foley... Vince said that he does not blame HHH for the Smackdwn thing... nor does he blame "that son of a bitch" Steve Austin... no, he blames Foley, because Foley was the one who...
-Austin came out. He gave the four corners a hello, then got in Vince's face and said that he was touched by Vince's con... oh screw it... it's been a long column...
-Austin gave Vince the Stunner. Then walked away in triumph.
-The Rock's music played. He and Austin met each other at the ramp, eyeballed each other briefly... then Rocky hit the ring.
-Vince staggered to his feet. Rocky was behind him. Vince turned around. Rock Bottom.
-Rocky left in triumph. The Undertaker came out. Brief staredown. UT hits the ring. Calmly hands Foley his cap and shades. Stands in front of Vince. Picks him up. HUGE Powerbomb. Calmly takes back his cap and shades. Puts them back on. Leaves. UT RULES!!!!!!!!!!!
-Foley grabs the mic. Standing over Vince, he goofs on him for taking the three most over finishers by the three most over guys. Then he says, "I guess there's only one thing left to do."
-Mick pulls out Mr. Socko. The crowd FLIPS.
-Mick threatens to apply it... but instead works it like a hand puppet and says, "Kiss my fat ass, Vince. And have a nice day!"
-Mick leaves Vince out cold. The show en...
-WHOA... one last thing...
-Backstage, we see the UT pounding the Hell out of Angle. HHH and Rikishi run in. UT gets hurled into some junk. He gets laid out. Angle picks up a trash can and readies himself to use it. Where is Austin?? Where is Rocky?? WHY DO THEY GET THE NIGHT O...
-Then... in one of the COOLEST directoral moves... the camera pulls back and we see the Rock come into view. He's all bloody and stunned.
-The camera pulls back some more... and we see that Austin too, is laid out. All three guys were tuned up. What a nice bit of pacing to end the show.
Interesting show. I enjoyed it immensely. maybe I was just in a rasslin' mood this week. I don't know.
Do you realize that William Regal vs Crash Holly was technically, the main event?
Do you realize that if you played the show in reverse, with Vince's promo opening the show and UT/Rikishi as the finish, it would have played like your standard, average Raw?
They mixed things up a little. There ain't nothing wrong with that.
Now we see what Nitro is up to. Then we go away.
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