Mop-Up RAW 12.11.00
Hyatte, I'm still praying for you EVERY DAY. I enjoyed your columns that mention Mancow. It is obvious to me that you are insanely jealous of his talent and money. Who knows? If you continue to write the way you do, you might become known among media. I really feel sorry for you. It seems that all your time is spent on writing columns that are written in poor taste. Again, I find it amazing that a good deal of your columns mention Jesus or God of which you claim not to believe in. Remember...I'm still praying for you...
Schott, Charles SchottC@NRD.NISSAN-USA.COM
The obvious questions are: A: What talent?, B: What money?, and C: When did I ever announce who or what I believe in?
Someone out there is praying for "Chris Hyatte"... I wonder if he also prays for the "Roadrunner", "Marmaduke", "Al Gore", "TJ Hooker", and other fictional characters?
This is who the Japs have selling their Nissans.
Your still an a$$hole.
Dok Doyle, on the RS Delphi board.
No, no.. YOU'RE still an a$$hole. Plus your name is retarded. Plus you're a nimwit AND a nimrod.
Hello. This is the Mop-Up and I am Chris. Or Christ, if I feel like getting all messiac. That little Tuesday posting streak I had going has been HALTED in it's tracks and I am back to Wednesday morning. I was all set to bang out the RAW recap Monday night, but... you know... things happen... the channel buttons get pushed... and the next thing I know, I'm flipping between the X-Files on FX and the Burt Reynolds Celebrity Profile on E... suddenly, it's 1:30 am and I'm dead tired. So you get this on Wednesday. If this presents a problem to you, please feel free to print this column up, wad this page into a ball, set it on fire, and insert it up your well-paved Hershey Highway... ok?
Not too much stuff to open with, so let's run through them quickly and get out of here at a decent hour.
This week's And Another Thing is called The Supreme Heel Test. It's just more proof that I am, pound for pound, the best damn writer on the Web... and you know what, I can probably hold my own in the PRINT media too. One note though, if you read the thing through, then send me an e-mail about why I included so and so, and omitted so and so as Supreme Heels, then you CLEARLY did not get what the essay is REALLY about and I am CLEARLY shooting WAAAY too high with these pieces.
This week's closer... found in the Nitro section, (nice to see CRZ is feeling the heat from Nitro apathy too... why do you think I plug the closers HERE?) was inspired by an e-mail from reader Nick Maro, who wondered what MOVIES would be about if they were played in reverse like RAW was last week. So, I took ten popular movies, played them backwards, and wrote down what the plots became. Hilarity, of course, ensued. hey, it's Winter... it's cold... and the most depressing Holiday of the year is weeks away... why not chill out and kill a little time with a pointless closer?
Then there's A1wrestling, which you should check out once a day. It's really useful with telling you what's on Ryder's site without having to click over there and waiting for those endless banners to upload. Plus, why give them visits unless it's REALLY necessary?
Last plug... remember that Internet radio show I did? The Edge? Well now BOOKMARK the damn thing. Why? Because Greg Dillard will welcome his new permanent co-host this week. What about Eric S.? Gone. What about Zach Arnold? GONE!! Who's the guest host? Well, I can't mention the name yet, but let's just say that you simply can NOT say the sentence "Christ fornicates with Hyenias" without it.
Why do I CARE?? I'll tell you why next week.
Need more CLUES, you nitwits? Get the PICTURE????
Let's put it this way... the Edge has just gone BIG TIME... and the Delphi homos are NONE too thrilled.
One kid, Shooter Chris McMurtry, was so cute... he raved about how all I do now is rag on web guys and talk about anal sex with WCW announcers... he made it clear that the two TRAW recappers for the Shooters were MUCH funnier than I could ever HOPE to be. It was sweet... seeing this kid defend his territory... awww... he threw a real tantrum. You GO GIRL!! GIVE IT TO BIG, BAD, UNFUNNY CHRIS!!!! Luke must be so PROUD.
So with all the plugs safely done, I can talk about "Armageddon"
Quite frankly, it was the worst WWF PPV I have seen in a looong time. Now, you don't hear that from me a lot, which is to say at ALL, but this time out... Vince and crew dropped the ball. The show sucked HUGE.
Kane and Jericho, The Four Way Tag, Benoit and Gunn, the Chicks... all were RAW or Smackdown material. I'm sorry, but that is something that should NOT be on a PPV. The quality of these matches were so piss poor, they actually measure up to the typical WCW undercard. I mean, if you are going to drop a stack set of barrels on Kane, for Chrissakes, don't position the camera just so we can see the barrels land safely on a raised surface behind the guy... DON'T LET US SEE KANE BE SAFELY POCKETED OUT OF HARM'S WAY!!!
Plus, there were WAAAAAY too much video stuff. Hey, I like the Undertaker as much as the next guy, but did we really need him to spend ten minutes speaking about how the cage turns him into a different person? Do we really need several shots of Mick Foley's two famous bumps? That stuff should have been used on Smackdown... not after we already bought the thing. No, the show was much too padded up. UNACCEPTABLE behavior from the company with the richest talent pool in all the world.
Then there was the main event. Now, I can't sit here and trash it... those guys worked their asses off and took bumps that would make even a well padded stuntman wince. I'm not going to rag on the match because it would be incredibly douchey, especially seeing how banged up these guys were tonight.
What I WILL say is that the "Hell in the Cell" is a special kind of match that needs a special kind of wrestler to make it work. What we saw on Sunday, while one Hell of a good throwdown, was no HitC. I'm sorry, but it wasn't. How could it be? The best parts of the match occured OUT of the cage, and down near the entrance sets. The guys spent almost 10 minutes fighting over there. That wasn't what HitC, is supposed to be about. It just isn't.
But again... they worked their asses off in there. Serious bumps and bruises must have gone down, and I'm sure the Ben Gay and Tylenol (and maybe some more... illegal pain relievers) flowed freely the next morning... so let's just leave it at that.
Except... maybe if they had Rikishi take his bump into the truck the VERY MOMENT AFTER the truck pulled up... maybe if they timed it just so Rikishi was very lucky to hit the truck and if the UT waited a second or two before... that would have added to the thrills and the danger of the match. To just let it sit there for 20 minutes... they might as well have painted a huge bullseye on the pile of sawdust (??) or something.
Anyway... there you have it. The first WWF PPV that really sucked.
Except for the Undertaker's new theme music. Out with the Kid, in with the Bizcut... I have no problems with this at all. Of course, Rick Scaia HATES Limp Bizcut... which automatically tells you just how cool they are.
One small note: What is the opposite of "class"? Leaving your web site, and a huge stack of overdue bills, to the one guy on the Web who was willing to work with you and be your friend, without telling him.
Oh, and come May... one POPULAR website will close down. I can't name names here either. Maybe "the Rick" knows?
I said enough. Time to roll out the recap. As a not really wise man once said, "Move back, move back. Hands up, hands down, back up, back up, tell me what you gonna do now? Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin', YEAH, keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'"...
and in the East... a child was born...
RAW IS WAR: (or: Are we sure that Mick even knows how to write his NAME anymore?)
-opens with a black, blank screen... huh?
-SUDDENLY... like the... the BATMAN... the WWF logo slinks in through the shadows, then slinks out just as quickly. Oooh, creepy.
-Someone in the WWF needs to get laid, badly. Because they obviously DOVE into their Doors collection and came up with one of their B-sides to play over footage of HitC and various shots of the A-Bomb showing our Japanese friends that it's not nice to fool with the good Ol' US of A.
-It's obviously the Doors... NOT because of Jim Morrison's distinct voice, but because of that annoying, out of place Electric Organ that they were famous for. Oy... no wonder Morrison drank and drugged himself to death... what were they THINKING?
-Dave Scherer... Mr Rock & Roll, Mr Hippie, Mr. "Pass me the Brown Acid", identified the song as "The End"... which it was NOT. Oh no, this was the End, my only friend, the End.
-Obviously, Dave spent the 60's with Perry Como.
-at the end of the video... we see a naked Pat Patterson tell Matt Hardy, "You are a Messenger, sent by Grocery Clerks, to collect on a bill." Dear God... Scherer was RIGHT!!!!!
-opening theme... some clips of Steve Austin have been pulled out. Is it to give the talent more equal time? Or is it a sign that they are phasing Austin OUT? Am I reading too much into this? Or is my Conspiracy Radar on HIGH CHARGE??
-Fans, fireworks, mayhem. In the crowd, I caught Martin Sheen drunkenly knocking some mark out, then stumble about silently screaming in pain... oh, the horror, the horror...
-Jim Ross welcomes us to MEMPHIS, home of Beale Street (maybe the BEST street in the world after dark... wall to wall Blues and Jazz joints)... and that Elvis fella.
-hey, I've been to Graceland! Not a bad spread. One HELL of a kitchen. Unfortunately, we don't get to see the REAL cool stuff... like Elvis's bedroom and the bathroom where he flopped down off the toilet dead with a brown turtle head poking out from between his buttcheeks. (And you think YOU'VE had a stubborn loaf to pinch)
-Oh yes, and Memphis is also famous for being the town that LAWLER built... but more on that later.
-Speaking of Lawler... he's there too.
-As is Kurt Angle... who kicked off the show by coming out along with Edge and Christian. Ross runs through the injury list thanks to the utter HENIOUSITY of last night's HitC... Rikishi has a ruptured spleen, (and thank bloody Christ we managed to survive the 90's "Seattle Grunge Era" without ANY band named "Ruptured Spleen" popping up). HHH has a back so f-ed up that he couldn't even bend over to tie his shoes. (yeah, like ANYONE would bend over in the locker room with Patterson lurking about).
-Oddly enough... Rikishi couldn't bend down to tie his shoes either! Nor can Madden. Nor could Yokozuna. Nor can half of Wrestleline's staff.
-Angle and the boys, all of whom were wearing various WWF titles entered the ring. Angle grabbed a mic. BIG sign seen that reads "THE EDGE".. (see, SEE!! Already, I'm juicing the shit UP!!)
-Angle hops on the mic and asks us how our year has been. Well, I jumped two sites. I got a girlfriend. I still hate myself with a passion. I still dwell on my insecurities. I still don't know how to socialize with people. I'm still an a$$hole, apparently. I still look in the mirror and weep openly. Oh... wait.. was this rhetorical?
-I guess it was... because Angle said that he asked us this because as we head towards the Holiday season, there are three certainties in life that we can count on. Angle was then nice enough to go ahead and list them...
-1) Christmas is still on December 25... (not if that bastard GORE gets elected!!!!)
-2) Elvis is still dead... (not if that bastard GORE gets elected!!!!)
-3) Our Olympic Hero, along with his friends, Edge and Christian, just completed the most dominate year in WWF history! (what does Bruce Jenner have to do with ANY of this?)
-Lawler admitred that it was "true".
-Angle reminded us that E & C were four time WWF tag champs.
-Edge got on the stick and pointed out that Angle came out of the HitC as champion! Christian chimed in that after it was all "said and donesville, you SO remained WWF champion"...
-Angle used that to talk about what a WAR last night was!! How he still relives all those chairshots to the head!! How he was thrown FACE FIRST into the fence. How he witnessed some of the most BRUTAL CARNAGE that he's ever witnessed!! (hmm, I don't recall Angle ever being invited to my parent's house for Christmas... but to be honest, I spent most of the night with my face buried in my Mom's crotch while my Dad and my Uncles took turns... taking my temperature... with their... OH YOU F-ING A-HOLES!!!! I WAS JUST A KID!!! I WAS JUST A KID DAMMIT!!!!)
-Angle talked about how Rikish toppled off the cage... and how he saw HHH, with his already injured back... writhing in pain! (Ross, "Yeah, and he was wrEYEthing too!"... this from a man who is one Bell's Palsy attack away from pronouncing every "S" as "SH")
-But, in the end, Angle saw his arm DRAPED across the Rock's bloody body... to stealing the win and retaining the title... overcoming INCREDIBLE odds and Mick Foley's SADISTIC rules.
-Angle ran down his opponents in that cage... Austin's pop was loud... the Rock's pop was louder. In MEMPHIS??? HILLBILLY CITY??? I think we can expect the LOCUSTS to arrive anytime now!
-The crowd wasn't impressed... so they booed. Angle freaked and demanded that they show him some respect. Because the Undertaker is NOT the champion. Stone Cold is NOT the champion, and the Rock, who can make fun of him all he wants, certainly is NOT the champion. He had the most brutal match of his life, and was STILL the champion. (yes but... YOU DID NOT PLUMMET!!! YOU DID NOT KILL YOURSELF!!! YOU DID NOT NOSEDIVE 16 FEET STRAIGHT INTO THE CONCRETE TO ENTERTAIN US!!! WE WANT DEATH!!! WE WANT SUICIDES!!! BY GOD!!!! SCREW YOUR HEALTH AND WELL BEING!!! PLEASE US, TROLL!!!!! ENTERTAIN US!!!
-The Rock came out... with a bandage on his head. A clearly visible FLESH COLORED Band-Aid... alas, the struggle contiues (for those keeping score, that's the THIRD time I've used that joke... the third).
-also for those keeping score at home, it's also the 50th time I've ripped off Berkley Breathed... the 50th
-Rocky waited a few moments. Ross snuck in the word "Hellacious" again... (Dude... Thesaurus... NOW!)
-Rocky finally spoke... admitting that Kurt did walk out of the building that night the WWF champ. He said that he went through "Hell and Back!!!"... conveinently skipping the part about GETTING PINNED!!!! (hmm, let's see... Deep South... KKK Headquarters... still bugged about losing the Civil War and losing Slavery... the WWF ain't stupid... if the Rock won, there might have been a RIOT!!)
-Rocky said that TONIGHT, was a different story... and seeing how this was the "Season of Giving". He would like to give Angle three things!! (might I suggest some hair for that Widow's Peak he has brewing?)
-T'was not to be, as the Rock promised to give Kurt some milk, some cookies, and the "ass whuppin' of a lifetime!" THREE things... all for the WWF title! (Jeeze... you'd think these guys could get the night off, or something... I mean really)
-Angle stepped in (aw man, this is going to take forever) and told the Rock that he would LOVE to face him tonight in "Knoxville". Crowd booed, Lawler get a bit offended. Ross called Angle a "dork". Edge whispered something in Angle's ear. Angle corrected himself, said that this was Memphis, then muttered, "Like it really matters"... (HAW!!! Now THAT is True... it's True!!)
-Angle's point was that he was not 100%, and it would be unfair to all his fans here, and worldwide, if he faced the Rock at 100%... BUT, seeing how he's there with Edge and Christian, why don't the Rock round up two of his friends and we make this a 6 man tag team match. ("why don't"??)
-Christian jumps in and points out that this "chumpstain" (now THAT'S a name for a Seattle Grunge band!) the Rock, doesn't HAVE any friends!!
-Edge grabbed the mic and called Rocky "Freddie McFriendless" (HEY!!! That was Remy "The Slammer" Artiega's suggested name for me when I first joined SCOOPS! I think, deep down, he always resented me for turning that down... "Hyatte? What kind of stupid name is that? You'll never get anywhere on the Web with THAT name!")
-Edge offered the Rock to take all three of them on in a handi-capped match! (and with the book FIRMLY on Rocky's side during times when Austin is not involved... it might just be a fair match!)
-Suddenly, someone dropped a bomb on the building... (DEAR GOD!!!!! BOB RYDER'S GONE BERSERK!!!! HE'S GOING TO WIPE OUT THE COMPETITON IN ONE FELL SWOOP!!! DAMN YOU BOB!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!)
-Well, that was unfair of me. Of course, Mr. Ryder is fair, objective, and does NOT favor one company over the other. He is a JOURNALIST... a JOURNALIST.
-Besides, it was just the Dudley's coming out. They came out and stared down the Rock... (no doubt communicating telepathically... a little trick of the trade that people like Meltzer, Scherer, and Keller are TOO AFRAID to talk about... but I'm not.. oh no, I'm not!!)
-So, Rocky has partners. Maybe we'll be lucky and get a little D-Von patented, "YOU WILL, KNOW... OUR... NAME!!!!!!"
-yeah... right.. with motor mouth Maivia hogging the mic? Instead, we got Rocky saying that since he now has the Dudley's with him... maybe they can have a "special" kind of match! A type of match that doesn't include titles... but includes "testicles"... and "tables"!!
-Ross, "Count ME out!!!"... (don't knock it 'till you try it, Jimbo!)
-So, Rocky suggested that... instead of three "I"'s, they have four "T"'s... "Tag", "team", "testicle", "Table"... Match!
-Angle said that this was fine... but reminded him that the Dudley Boys were NOT Rocky's friends, they were just JEALOUS of the Edge and the Christian for getting the job DONE last night...
-Rocky told Angle to shut his mouth ("jabrony")...then proposed an option "B"...
-then Rocky and the Boys walked down the aisle... Rocky announced that they were walking down the aisle... (because blind people are wrestling fans too, dammit!).
-oo, maybe we'll get shades of the "Old Rocky" and he'll pause long enough to announce that he would embarrass someone, then go ahead and berate said someone!!! MAYBE THINGS WILL RIGHT ITSELF AND THE ATTITUDE WILL LIVE AGAIN!!!!
-well, that didn't happen... F-me
-instead, they charged the ring and a brief melee went down. Although one could postulate that a melee, by it's very definition, cannot be anything BUT brief. If one was inclined to postulate on such trivialities.
-the f**k is happening to me?
-Angle and the Canadians took off, vowing revenge and retribution. Rocky stalked around the ring. The Dudley's avoided injury by artfully dodging Rocky's shadow. Ross bled from his eyes in excitement as we speed off to the night's first set of...
-Backstage, Edge and Christian fret about putting their testicles through tables (oh like that's something NEW TO THEM!!!! N-WORD PLEASE!!)
-Angle came out and told them not to sweat this... he has a plan!
-Meanwhile, Terri Runnels brings out Saturn and Dean Malenko. We see an abridged version of the big Dean/Lita date from Thursday... (and a few of us lucky bastards got to pay $30 to see the summary on Pay Per View TOO!!!!!!)
-AHH, nothing like knocking around a girl to get me in the Holiday spirit... which was forthcoming as...
-Matt and Jeff Hardy SPRINTED to the ring. They quickly dispose of Saturn and double teamed Malenko. (What's their problem? So Dean wasn't into the idea of a foursome? Jesus Crow, WHO IS??)
-Saturn recovers and goes to work on Matt Hardy'z arm. Bald twit thinks he's an Anderson!
-Things moved along until Lita got involved by shoving down poor Terri, then climbing the ring apron. Dean swung around and pulled her feet back. Lita went down. Jeff attacked dean, Dean sent her into the steel steps. Meanwhile, the Ref counted out Jeff Hardy, who was the legal man at the time. The Radicalz won by count-out... which was just plain STOOPID.
-As the Radicalz music played... Dean stood over Lita, picked her head up, and planted a kiss right on her mush. Then he threw her head down and smirked triumphantly. Ross screamed, "SHE WASN'T EVEN CONSCIOUS!!! SHE WAS OUT COLD!!!" (Ahh, memmmmorieeees... like the pages of my miiiiind.... I miss College!)
-Meanwhile AND backstage, a long, black limousine pulls up. Patterson and Brisco appear to welcome the returning Vincent K. McMahon. Pat tries to hurry Vince inside because it's so cold out there... "It's miserable out here, MISERABLE!!" Vince responds that this is great weather... nice brisk, FOOTBALL weather!! XFL weather!!! (especially when you'll be watching the games, cozy and snug in a luxury, heated OWNER'S BOX... HUH VINCE?? HUH??? HUH????)
-My prediction... there will be three XFL games, then it'll shut down due to major injuries... and about 20 lawsuits from cheerleaders who were assaulted by the players.
-Rikishi's big bump might have killed him, and possibly crippled him for life, but the good news was that it was also to LUGZ SLAM OF THE WEEK!!!
-Backstage, Patterson asked Vince if he thought Mick Foley would resign tonight... or maybe "re-sign", who knows... Pat's accent is so whacked... obviously, the guy cares more abou... oh, you know what... this week is a wash-out... let's just get through it fast.
-Vince says that of COURSE Mick would quit his gig... he promised to do so if someone really got hurt last night. Well, Lo, and behold... not one, but TWO stars were hurt... HHH with the bad back, and Rikishi with the ruptured spleen... so if Foley doesn't resign... Vince will FORCE THE S.O.B to do so!!! (uh oh... this smells like a 15 minute gabfest posing as another main event!)
-Chris Benoit comes down the aisle with his newly won Inter-Continental championship. Ross says that Chris Jericho also is on the injured list. (He must have pulled a few facial muscles trying to sell that HORRIBLE Barrel-On-Top-of-Kane spot that even HE knew looked terrible)
-The "One" Billy Gunn came out, obviously because their PPV match was JUST THAT DAMN GOOD!!!!
-Gunn paused on his way to the ring to suck up some air... uh oh, looks like Benoit's gonna have to carry it again.
-Gunn entered and charged... throwing his PATENTED, skimming-the-top-of-the-head punches. He's the only guy who does this.
-Gunn picked Benoit up for a Gorilla slam... and DUMPED the poor bastard on his head and shoulder. (Jesus)
-Ross, with a discreet snootful of snideness, chose THIS match to talk about how "you have to be on top... on the VERY top... of your GAME!!!" when messing with Benoit! (looks like someone might be re-joining the Big Show and Mr Henry back in Ohio, if that someone doesn't get his act together!!)
-Gunn started wailing on the side of Benoit's head which landed on the mat... ("Screw it. DIE YA' TECHNICAL BASTARD! DIE!!!")
-Eddie Guerrero has seen enough. He sauntered out to see what the dealio was, ese. He stayed there quietly for a few more minutes, then slid the IC belt into the ring and slipped around to the other end and distracted the Ref. Gunn picked up the IC belt instead and whacked Benoit with it. He went for the pin, but the Ref was still distracted. He alerted the Ref that there was still a damn match going on. The Ref tried to count. Benoit kicked out. Gunn hit the FameOneser (I guess). Eddie got more directly involved. There went the bell.
-Gunn faced off with Eddie. Eddie popped him a few times. Gunn didn't sell a damn thing. (maybe he was too tired to get his arms up?) Eddie had the nerve to look shocked, I swear, I heard him mumble, "Who do you think you are? Kevin Nash?!?"
-Gunn reared back to hit Eddie... Beoit came up from behind and snagged the Crossface. He kept it on a bit. Then he and Eddie left. Benoit cackled deviously. Not even a year in Titan and he's already a bigger deal than 5 years in Atlanta.
-Backstage, Michael Cole approached Mick Foley and Debra and asked if he had any plans on keeping to his word tonight? Mick told the little homo to take off, he had a show to program. Debra smiled brightly. She's not there to cure Cancer, folks.
-commercials... Dracula 2000. Didn't Buffy take care of this clown already?
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Jesse Ventura encourages us to take our Dads to an XFL game so he can be reminded what he loved about football. What if dad loved football because it made him forget that he was stuck with a wife and annoying child who kept him down for the last 18 years? WHAT IF YOUR DAD WAS A FIRST CLASS A-HOLE???
-Man.. that "Cat's in the Cradle" song didn't just speak... it spoke the TRUTH!!!!
-The Undertaker limped down the steps. Michaerl Cole was there to greet him. BUT FIRST...
-we get to hear the sounds of HitC wrestlers grunt and groan as they are taking bumps. HHH had the best noises, "HEEUH UHHWWO"... "WUUUGH HYAAARGH"
-UT told Cole that he can NOT be faulted for his general evilness. (he isn't getting paid for his European Uppercuts, my homepersons!)
-UT also said that if he had possession of a rat's derriere, he most certainly would not give it up in exchange for the continual Commissionership of one Mick Foley.
-Al Snow stopped by and told Mick Foley that in "honor" of Mick's guts, he would like to fight Raven in a hardcore match tonight. Mick said that it's not a good idea, seeing how Snow's wrist is broke and all.
-Snow, in a great line, shot back, "Thank you, Mr. Safety! This coming from a man who wrestled with a tooth up his nose!" Unable to defend against THAT logic, Foley gave ol' Al the match.
-Angle's team was backstage, all ready to go.
-The Dudley's found a table, cleared the debris off it, and picked it up.
-The Rock found a testicle, cleared the debris off it, and picked it up. (three guesses as to what the "debris" was and who supplied it)
-Angle and the Boys came out.
-The Dudley's came out. Alone.
-The Rock came out. ALONE!!!! (I smell a SCREWJOOOOOOOOOB!!!)
-oh man... feel free to jump to the Nitro column... or just leave. We'll try this again next week.
-Rocky's whole entrance took a few minutes.
-The bell rang and things got going rather peacefully. The Dudley's traded off on Christian early.
-Powerslam by Buh Buh
-Rocky was tagged in, and he ARRRGH... I JUST BIT MY TONGUE... OH F-ME F-ME F-ME F-ME
-Sumo Drop by Rocky on Edge. Ross guessed that he was STILL WRITHING in pain after last night. (and she was worth EVERY penny, by God)
-D-Von was tagged. Edge gained a modicum of control. He tagged Angle, who turned that modicum into a healthly amount. (yeesh)
-D-Von got punked about a bit... the crowd started chanting "ROCKY, ROCKY". Buh Buh looked around and screamed, "HELLOOOOO? HE'S GOT TWO PARTNERS, YOU KNOW!"
-D-Von finally tagged in Rocky. He cleaned house.
-Angle took a People's Elbow... well, he would have, were it not for the Edge, who tripped him up.
-Meanwhile, the Dudley's gave Christian the Flying "Wazzup".
-Buh Buh then shoved Rocky and told him to get the table. Rocky arched an eyebrow and said, "Get your own damn table, white boy!!!" Buh Buh coughed out a "Excuse me", then told D-Von to get the table. D-Von's face went 3 shades of red as he did as he was told, while Rocky watched, with disgust!
-Buh Buh hoisted Christian up. D-Von climbed to the top rope. Angle yanked the table out of the way just as D-Von went for a Flying Clothesline.
-Buh Buh tried to suplex Angle into a table... Angle manuevered out and went for the belly to back suplex... Rocky got in there and yanked the table away. Buh Buh looked to have damn near broke his neck off that suplex. His head bounced off the end of the table. Maybe next time, Buh Buh will POLITELY ASK for the Brother to get the table... and not DEMAND!!!
-Rocky tried to rock bottom Angle, but the Edge broke it up. So Rocky RB'ed Edge into a table... and won the match.
-Just for the Hell of it, the Dudley's put Christian through another table. Angle walked away, leaving his friends in the ring.
-Backstage, Vince and his mates cited this match as yet ANOTHER example of Mick Foley's innate BLOODLUST!!!!! Vince asked Brisco if those "papers" were Fed-Exed over yet. Brisco said that maybe they were. Vince told him to go see. He went to do just that. Anyone else find it odd that I blow through 90% of the matches, yet have no problems recapping the minutia of these little scripted segments?
-Chyna was backstage, and heading towards the ring!
-While we were watching those...
-... Steve Austin showed up.
-Chyna came out... she's still in full forehead mode (honey, bangs are a woman's FRIEND!)
-Chyna picks up the mic and announces that there are a lot of people who don't like the way she's dressed... and there are some people who do not like the way she is undressed...
-Chyna says that the "Right to Censor" have been the one's who've been bitching about her nakedness the loudest... especially, Ivory.
-She points out that Ivory can't seem to stay out of Chyna's business, especially at Sunday's PPV... so, how's about Ivory bring her "Tight ass, librarian, bow-tied, BUTT out there right now!!" (how can a "butt" be "tight assed"... )
-Chyna assures Ivory that her Women's Title is safe... Chyna fights for MEN's titles...
-Ivory came out with Stevie Richards. She tells Chyna that violence NEVER solved anything... (especially when Don King's involved!) but sometimes. Action has to be taken. She informs Chyna that what she does is "repulsive" (Ross, "Says who?"... says Ivory! Don't you listen?)
-Ivory says that Chyna's behavior is "unacceptable" and her message is "perverse"... and if it takes a fight to change things, then a fight she will GET!!!! (The girl makes some points, folks... really! CHYNA INSPIRED COLUMBINE!!!!! THERE, I SAID IT!!!!!!)
-Ivory and Stevie Richards charged the ring... Stevie was quickly dumped out.
-Chyna proceeded to stomp out Ivory. Then she picked her up by the legs and swung her around and around...
-alas, Chyna got dizzy and spun herself right into the corner.. (HAW!!) Val Venis ran out and it went all downhill from there.
-In honor of Lawler, and since they were in Memphis. Val gave Chyna a piledriver. Lawler has three moves (not counting whatever he does to get all those young chicks in the sack), the Fistdrop, the Flying Fistdrop, and the PILEDRIVER, BABY!!!!!!
-The RTC stood in VICTORY!!! Chyna had to be carted away.
-footage of what just happened.
-Chyna was being loaded into an Ambulance. Billy Gunn yelled at Foley, "THIS IS ALL... YOUR... FAULT!!!!" (This coming from a guy who damn near broke Benoit's neck TWICE in two DAYS??)
-Elsewhere, Patterson tells Vince that Mick Foley was trying to ruin the company from the INSIDE!!! Vince snidely mumbled, "Oh, but you hitting on every young stud that ever signed a development deal... that little powderkeg didn't cost me a few mil to keep quiet at ALL, did it???"
-Trish brought out T & A.
-The Acolytes came out. Feel free to beat the crap out of the first mark who calls them "Kronik Rip-offs"
-The two teams brawled for a bit... with HUGE stiff shots that look so real you... you can almost FEEL them, while you're sitting at home with your pants around your ankles... (fags)
-Bradshaw pinned Albert cleanly, then ripped off his "TAPA" shirt. The crowd yawned indifferently.
-Backstage, Vince and Pat agree that the Acolytes were back! Pat said that Mick Foley might end up needing protection, tonight. (oh that horny old QUEEN!!!)
-Brisco arrived with that Fed-Ex package. He opened it for Vince. He pulled out some paper work and a pen. Brisco also gave himself a rather messy papercut and started bleeding like a stuck pig! (HA!!! F-SABU!!!)
-Vince showed us that it was a "resignation" sheet. Vince promised that Mick Foley's name will be ON the paper by the night's end. (do'ya think... maybe... if Mick refuses, they could at least get K Kwick to sign?)
-Jerry "The King" Lawler was in the ring... with the Goddam GOOFIEST haircut I've ever seen!!!
-Lawler has a surprise for his fellow "Memphisonians"... who will get their very own Football team come February
-He brought out the "Memphis Maniax" Cheerleaders. If you are anything like me, KILL YOURSELF NOW!!!!!...
-If you're anything like me, you immediately looked them over and wondered who will be the first to get fired for refusing to spread for the players. (I'm guessing that blonde who walked as if she was MUCH too big for this crowd... yeah, blondie... you! I know you're type. I know you're kind. Bitch... I hate you. Die die die!)
-The Cheerleaders danced. Lawler carried on about puppies and football. It was like "MTV's Grind" with a very old man who just snuck in.
-Suddenly, the RTC came out to spoil things. Lawler hustled the Cheerleaders out as the Goodfather asked, "What is wrong with you people? What is wrong with this town? Don't you realize that there are children in this audience? There are children watching at home?? He told the crowd that they ought to be ashemed of themselves!
-Bull Buchanon took the mic and said that he couldn't believe that they would cheer for these women. (HEY!! So what if the King looks like he might have lost a gallon or so of testosterone over the years... HE'S STILL LAWLER!!!)
-Bull said some more, then finished up by preaching, "WE WILL NOT... I SAY, WE WILL NOT, ALLOW THIS PERVERSION TO CONTINUE!!!!!"
-It was Stevie's turn, Stevie said that these people cheer these girls, like they cheer their Elvis Presley and his "Rock and Roll"... (umm, nobody's been cheering Elvis for quite some time, now... dude).
-Stevie ran down some more music genre's, such as heavy metal (Hair bands are coming back, people... you may start cringing now), hard rock, and more importantly... "rap"!
-Which brought out Road Dog and K Kwick... for an impromptu 6 man brawl...
-Which involved LAWLER... who sold a brief triple team, then took a few punches from Stevie in the corner... until he remembered who he was and where he was... then the selling stopped.
-Lawler yanked his strap off. Ross called him "Old Sexy"
-Lawler screamed, "YOU SONOFABITCH"... then punched Richards down a few times.
-Lawler climbed the second rope... and dropped the Fist.
-He pinned Stevie. The King's music played. Lawler celebrated outside with Dog and Kwick, and the screaming fans.
-my friends... I have said this plenty of times before... I shall say this plenty of times in the future... and I am going to say it one time right now... you simply are NOT a Professional Wrestler until you take ONE tour of Memphis Wrestling and get a GODDAM LESSON IN THE RING BY THE GODDAM KING!!!! UNTIL YOU FEEL A PACKED MEMPHIS HOUSE CHEER AS JERRY LAWLER PINS YOU FOR THE THREE COUNT, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS CALLING YOURSELF A RASSLER!!!!! DAMMIT, IF THAT ISN'T A LAW OF THE BUSINESS, IT FOR CHRISSAKES SHOULD BE!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Backstage, Mick Foley has second thoughts about Al Snow fighting Raven. Snow tells him to take a friggin' Valium. It's all fake.
-Kevin Kelly is at Stone Cold's dressing room door. "So, how does it feel to be Steve Austin's entranceway for the night?" No answer. Damn, snobby-ass door!
-Steve Austin tells Kevin Kelly that not even a HitC match helped to extinguish the inner RAGE within him. And since he can't really afford another divorce, he's going to have to go looking elsewhere for someone to beat up.
-Various members of the Memphis Maniax were in the crowd
-Al Snow was attacked by Raven right as he came out. They ended up fighting on the scaffold below one of the mini-Titon Trons on the side. Raven jumped into a batch of wires and climbed down. Snow swung on something and kicked Raven's garbage can into his face.
-It spilled into the back... Snow threw Raven into the RAW cage interview area. Raven screamed like a girl
-Snow knocked about some unfortunate bystander... then dumped Raven into a cart and rolled him into the Fed-Ex truck. Raven was nice enough to physically leap out of the cart and propel himself into the truck (DAMN YOU, INERTIA!!)
-yes, I damn well know that I used that "intertia" line last week... screw it, this week's offering sucks already... no sense trying to save it this late in the game.
-Things spilled outside. Raven went over a car's hood. Tiger Ali Sing and LoDown popped up and got involved. Snow knocked Sing around, then threw him in his car (I assume)
-The camera stayed on the Ref for some reason...
-Then it swung around to see Al laid out and Raven on top of him. Raven scored the pinfall. Al stayed motionless. Ross and Lawler said that Raven must have used a cinderblock on him.
-The push is all well and good but... LOSE THAT STUPID THEME MUSIC!!!
-"CAW... CAW"... are they kidding?
-Snow was loaded up in an Ambulance.
-On the brighter side, the Holly brood had entertaining duties at the WWF New York.
-Because this was what was on THE MINDS OF THE FREE SPEAKING WORLD... we get Man on the Street opinions as to whether or not Mick Foley should resign. You will note that everyone who they asked was white. QUICK, SOMEONE CALL AL SHARPTON!!!!
-Ross and Lawler discuss this...
-Backstage, Vince screamed at Foley about Snow, who was in the Ambulance. Mick was about to go with him, but instead hopped out of the bus and told the paramedic to take good care of him. Mick has other business.
-They played that Doors/Armageddon video again.
-Vince comes out with Patterson and Brisco. We have 20 minutes left in the show. There has been no announcement about a main event. My God, they are actually going to do this?
-The three guys hit the ring. Vince grabs the mic.
-He starts by saying a lot has changed since last Thursday... since he asked his no good, dry as the friggin' Gobi desert wife for a divorce.
-He thanked the crowd for their support during this "trying time in his life"
-Yes, Vince said, "Billionaires have feelings too"...
-BIG sign that reads, "VINCE, IT'S CHEAPER TO KEEP HER"... (lordamighty, ain't that the truth)
-Vince says that he isn't really proud of the WWF at the moment, more specifically, he isn't proud of it's Commissioner...
-Crowd calls him an "Asshole"... Vince barks, "I DON'T DESERVE THAT!!!"
-Vince says that Foley forced 6 WWF Superstars in a cage against their will, and ran down all the injuries that occurred during that match.
-Vince says that it's time for Foley to come out there right now and tender his resignation IMMEDIATELY!!!
-Vince tells Mick Foley to get his fat Ass out there right NOW!!!
-Mick came out... he enters the ring. Patterson warns him about "not trying any funny stuff" (yeesh, kettle, black, glass houses, throwing stones)
-They face off... Vince gets real close and tells Foley that there is no real hatred between them, but as a WWF Commissioner... "I think you SUCKACK" (that's the best way I can describe it... it was one of Vince's patented breathless "coughs")
-As a human being, Vince says that Foley isn't that bad a guy... it's just that he ain't cutting it as a Commish... for VARIOUS reasons... I REFUSE to run down them ALL!!!
-He DID point out that Mick should be at home... staying healthy with his two kids, Noelle and Dewey... and his wife, Collette! (Jesus... anyone named "Betty" anymore?)
-We find out that Collette is pregnant. Internet reports says that she is mere days away from delivery... WHICH, if you do the math, means that ol' Mick got a little "nookie" right after that "Final" Wrestlemania match that the WWF seems to be ignoring.
-Vince also pointed out that Foley was an honorable man, and he DID promise to quit the gig, if someone got badly injured on Sunday... and in case he took one too many chair shots in his day...
-Vince rolled footage of Foley's promise.
-So, Vince produced the resignation, handed it to Mick, and told him to sign.
-After a few minutes of not signing, and a few minutes of Vince harping on the family thing...
-Vince, "Don't listen to these fans, Mick, they don't care about you!!!" (Ross, "Oh yes they do!!" YES THEY DO, MR. MCMAHON!!!" Ahh, shaddup Ross... Jesus)
-Vince got impatient and barked "DAMMIT, I SAID SIGN IT!!!!!"
-Mick took the mic and said that he heard every word Vince says... and yeah, it's all true, and yeah, he MAY sign the letter of resignation... or he may not... but there is one more offical act that he wants to do... and that act is...
-Then, much to everyone's amazement, Lord William Regal came out. Talk about swerves!!
-Regal gets a mic and says that since he is looking at things from an objective point of view (in other words, the "Anti-Ryder")... and his view says that things in the WWF have been "repugnant" as of late.
-Regal says that he is speaking for the entire locker room, many of whom won't say it to Mick's face, and those who are injured, like "Triple Haitch" and Rikishi.
-Hell, Regal's speaking for Stone Cold Steve Austin too, when he says that the WWF contracted talent demand... nay... REQUIRE (shouldn't that be the other way around?) that Mick sign that piece of paper and quit!
-This brings out Austin. Mick smiles. Vince gulps. Pat smacks his lips.
-Austin hits the ring and does his pose thingy...
-Austin takes Regal's mic... and warns him that if he doesn't let go, he end up with a bloody stump. Regal sneers. Vince sneers. They sneer in concert. ALL RIGHT, WHO'S GOOFING ON WHOM, HERE??
-First of all, Austin doesn't... sorry... DON'T need anyone speaking up for him, especially some "mealy mouth son of a Bitch like YOU!!" (Regal, not YOU... well, maybe you too. Who's to say?)
-Austin asks the fans for a "Hell Yeah" if they want Mick to tear up the resignation. The crowd had no spine to defy him.
-Austin then stunned Regal, stunned Brisco, stunned Patterson... and then looked at Vince...
-Foley, meanwhile, pulled out Mr Socko and put it on. Austin made Vince turn around... and the Mandible Claw was applied.
-Austin's music played... Foley tore up the resignation and littered it over Vince's outstretched body. Ross screamed bloody murder as the show wended before Austin could proceed to get totally s-faced on, about a friggin' CASE of beer, if the reports I've read were true.
The show was a bit "off". Not very good, really. Slightly below average.
The good news is that we are now entering the WWF's prime PPV season. So things should be kicking into high gear.
The OTHER good news is that this recap is over. I know, I know... it blew. Before you shoot me off an e-mail about how I "lost it", keep in mind that I was kind of jazzed about myh first "Edge" appearence, and I errored by starting this too late. Hey, I AM A PERSON!! I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OFF WEEK!!!
DOUCHEBAGS!!! F-MONKEYS!!! I STILL KICK THE ASS OF ALL OTHER RECAPPERS OUT THERE!!! PIECES OF HIPPO SEMEN!!!!
Read the Nitro 'cap... or don't... think I care? I don't. Well, I do... I can't lie.
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