And Another Thing: The Bob Ryder Interview
Posted by Hyatte on 01.01.2000
A never before seen script from the never really heard radio show of mine
Here’s the last reward for reading all these archives. Think of it as the fortune cookie after a great, big meal.
I don’t even really remember when I did this, but I used to be part of the Edge radio show. It really could’ve been something, but my co-host, Greg Dillard was a big time flake.
Plus, he had all the equipment. Ah well.
Anyway, here’s a copy of a script I wrote for the show, where “Bob Ryder” called in. I had Greg do all the talking because I was busy being Bob with my thick “Weeziana” accent (actually, it’s my one, all purpose “Southern” accent). Ironically, the real Bon joined us on the next show. Took balls.
(originally presented Winter, 200/2001: Edge Radio Show)
Greg: Ladies and Gentlemen, now for a real treat. The host of the WCW Live Internet show. The owner of 1wrestling.com, and a pioneer of Internet Wrestling. Please welcome, Bob Ryder!
Greg: umm… the finest Internet Wrestling journalist the world has ever seen?
Greg: ahh… the finest WRESTLING journalist the world has ever seen and the hero and guru to legions of Internet fans everywhere? A leader of men, a lover of women, and the most brilliant wrestling observer & commentator that civilization has ever produced? Let’s hear it for Bob Ryder!
Bob: Thank you Greg, it’s great to bring some intelligence and knowledge to your little mickey mouse show y’all have here. People may think I am lowering myself by appearing here, but I like to show my fans that I am deep down, one of them. Now I want you all to pause this radio show here and run over to 1wrestling.com and click every banner we have… then click them twenty times more. Go, now.
Greg: Okay Bob, it is a pleasure to have you here, especially now. Hot off the presses, we have reports about a fight between Scott Steiner and DDP. What happened?
Bob: I am not aware of any fight.
Greg: But the Torch said...
Bob: THERE WAS NO FIGHT!!! WCW IS ONE, BIG HAPPY FAMILY!!
Greg: But even 1wrestling.com... your site... reported.
Bob: We did? Oh, right, we DID. Well, it wasn't anything. A playful argument. A mild disagreement.
Greg: Reports say Steiner pummeled Page repeatedly until he was a bloody mess.
Bob: If it happened, I didn't see it. I might have been in the stall, pinching a loaf at the time, so I cannot comment... if it did happen... which it didn't...
Greg: Now, you are famous among the Internet for your WCW ties, and have been criticized for your alleged “bias” to the WWF in your reports. How do you respond.
Bob: Well, first of all, RAW is PORN and Vince McMahon is Satan in disguise. Only a damn fool could not see this. His is the path to eternal damnation. Shield your eyes, children… for to watch the WWF is to curse yourself to the fiery bosom of Hell. That said, I have no bias towards the WWF and practice my trade as fair and as impartial as humanly possible.
Greg: So, you have no preference towards WCW?
Bob: None whatsoever. Not even with the knowledge that God Himself looks down favorably on ONLY WCW fans. Oh yes, there is a special spot in Heaven for those who watch Nitro over RAW IS PORN
Bob: Hell yeah, and if you watch WCW Worldwide, God throws in a free DVD Player and an Imac with unlimited FREE Internet service.
Greg: Amazing, so be sure to watch every WCW show. Bob, how can you say that you don’t prefer WCW to the WWF when you work for the company and vehemently complained when the WWF looked into buying WCW?
Bob: Work for the company? Look here son, like I told those goofy Canadians on that.. that… NoSoul the Bitter Cat THIS site, the last time I looked into my mailbox, there was no check from WCW in it, and that’s the truth.
Greg: So, you host WCW Live for free?
Bob: Nope. Get paid, handsomely, in fact.
Greg: So how can you deny…?
Bob: I make my wife go out to the mailbox every day, rain or shine. My wife gets the check out of the mail, I just cash the sumbitches.
Greg: Why don’t you get the mail, Bob? What’s up with that?
Bob: Look, I sit in a chair all day long being the most influential, admired wrestling pundit there is today. My wife can damn sure get the mail when it comes. If she complains, well, the Ryder men have a long, deep tradition of leaving boot prints on the tushes of our brides. She gets the mail, oh yeah, and she has an ear to ear grin getting it too.
Greg: Bob, some noted Internet writers have voiced strong opinions against you. In turn, you have made several comments aimed at the writers of the Torch and Dave Meltzer. What problems, exactly, do you have against men like Meltzer and Wade Keller?
Bob: Yahoos. Uninformed, sloppy, illiterate, no nothing ding dong YAHOOS. They are the dog crap I make my wife wash off the soles of my bare feet.
Greg: Can you go into details?
Bob: How dare they act like they know anything? Are they inside? Are they gainfully employed by a wrestling company? No. They just report unverified nonsense before it’s had a chance to be properly scrutinized and edited by the WCW powers for fitting publication. Now, I ask you, is this what that amendment about Free Press is supposed to be?
Greg: I believe that’s FreeDOM of the Press, Bob, and yes… that’s exactly what it’s supposed to be.
Bob: Arrgh, there outta be a law against this kind of crap. There should be a law that says only 1wrestling.com can report the news. Then we’ll be on to something, by God.
Greg: Bob, how do you respond to charges that you are really just jealous that you aren’t taken as seriously and aren’t as respected as Mr. Meltzer and Mr. Keller?
Bob: You think I give a coon’s fart about that? If they really were as admired and respected as I am, then it would be them who’s souls WCW would have tried to purchase. Nope… WCW came to ME… the one Wrestling commentator who matters. It’s ME who got to sell his soul for a few bucks… not THEM!
Greg: Yet, isn’t Keller the one who grabbed an exclusive interview with Goldberg? How come you didn’t get it?
Bob: Well, that boy Goldberg’s got a bug up his ass ‘bout me for some reason.
Greg: Yes, didn’t you criticize him for his diva-like attitude backstage, or something?
Bob: Well, not really. All I did was try to explain to him how silly all this Yom Kippur business was. Big Bald Bastard tried to kill me!
Greg: He did?
Bob: Yeah! Not very Christian of him… not, at all
Greg: Wow. Bob, I know your time is very valuable, so if you don’t mind, might I pick your expertise on the current happenings in the WCW?
Bob: Now yer talking! Allow me to dazzle your drooling, thumb sucking listeners with my stellar incite and my endless well of wrestling knowledge. Shoot!
Greg: Will WCW ever launch a successful comeback against the WWF and actually become a thriving competitor again?
Bob: At this point in time, we’ll have to take a “wait and see” approach.
Greg: Is Scott Steiner going to be a worthwhile, credible champion?
Bob: Time will tell
Greg: Is Eric Bischoff going to buy WCW?
Bob: I have to sit on the fence and see what happens here.
Greg: If he does, what changes will he make to the company?
Bob: I’m sure the answers will present themselves in all good time.
Greg: Will Russo come back?
Bob: Ask me again when the company addresses this situation
Greg: Is Hulk Hogan coming back?
Bob: Much like Switzerland, I must remain neutral on this topic.
Greg: Where do you stand on the Scott Hall controversy?
Bob: I stand squarely on the line between “bring him back” and “let him go”
Greg: Is wrestling on a downslide?
Bob: We’ll see.
Greg: Bob Ryder… thank you for the time. As always, you are a fascinating man. May I ask… when did you lose the hair?
Bob: Well, originally, me and Robert E . Lee made a bet with President Lincoln and General Grant that if they could beat the Confederacy and free the slaves, I would shave off the top of my hair. If we won, I’d get to own New Jersey. Well, thanks to those goddam sneaky Yankees, there’s nobody to pick the cotton anymore and I’m still bald. It’s just not fair, dammit.
Greg: Last question, Bob. Before coming on, you demanded that my co-host, Chris Hyatte not be allowed on air. Why did you insist on this?
Bob: I don’t know who this Hyatte is or what you are talking about.
Greg: So I can bring him back on now?
Bob: I ain’t sharing air-time with that skuzzy, disgusting, piece of squirrel crap. You keep that boy away from me!
Greg: So, you DO know him?
Bob: Never heard of him.
Greg: Then why can’t I…
Bob: GOODBYE… (click)
Greg: Bob? Bob? He’s gone. We’ll get Hyatte back and do a wrap up, right after these words.
This is Hyatte