And Another Thing: Who Wants To Be A Pro Wrestler? 

Posted by Hyatte on 01.09.2001 

Everyone says that it’s hard to break in. Everyone says that it takes work, work, effort, and dedication. Did I mention that it took a lot of hard work? That’s rubbish. 

Do you want to be a pro wrestler? 

You can if you want. We all can. Apparently, it’s easy. 

Everyone says that it’s hard to break in. Everyone says that it takes work, work, effort, and dedication. Did I mention that it took a lot of hard work? That’s rubbish. You can make a nice living in wrestling as a personality with only the basic, elementary skills that is required to keep you from killing yourself and your opponent. 

Did you play football in College? Maybe gone Pro? Screw that, become a wrestler. You barely have to do ANYTHING. To get in. 

Can you speak in a coherent sentence? Can you string together a pair of nouns, a verb, and perhaps a couple of adjectives and maybe one adverb and form them properly? Then you’re in, baby. 

Can’t make that sentence thing work? No problem, they just won’t stick a mic in your face. 

Do you watch Rey Mysterio Junior and say “No way I can do that!”? You can still get in. 

Making a living as a pro wrestler is a piece of cake. Learn how to fake a punch throw a bodyslam, maybe a suplex, and learn how to act hurt. They’ll take you. 

First, you’ll be a valet, or a manager, or an escort to a heel. Just to get yourself ingratiated into the fan’s minds. You’ll stay there for a while, but don’t worry. You’ll just be paying your dues without once stepping into the ring and practicing. You won’t even have to talk. After a while, the booker will have you break away from you’re “boss”. Then those minutes in a wrestling ring, learning how to throw a clothesline, learning how to land on you’re back, and developing your finishing move. Something simple, so you won’t be asked to rehearse it ad naseum until you can master it. How about the Flying Shoulder Tackle? That’s easy enough, right? Just tackle the guy. You used to play football in College and/or Pro. 

Before long, you’ll be asked to speak. You really don’t need any sort of charisma at all. No real need to come up with some sort of catchphrase which will automatically bring you to mind whenever the fans hear it, even outside the wrestling arena. Hell, those T-shirts are overrated, the promoters get most of the profits from that booty. All you need to do is talk about how you are going to destroy the Heel you used to work for, but now you want revenge. See, that’s the beauty of it. You don’t need to earn your own heat, you can simply draw off the heat from your opponent! Take what he has worked for years and years on honing and cultivating and use it to propel YOUR career. See how simple it all is? 

Next thing you know, you are on TOP! You hear cheers from the fans and make it to the top of the PWI “Most Popular” list for a couple of months. The smart thing to do here is to ride it out for a while. Stretch out the feud for at least 6 months. After 6 months of hearing cheers, the promoters will see you as a “Beloved Personality”. Guess what, with the title “Beloved Personality” you also get something VERY important in order to last in this business. 

You get a reputation! 

Now, no matter how hard you fall. No matter how disinterested the fans get with you. No matter how much your popularity dwindles down until the loudest thing you can hear during your matches is the crickets, you will always have a job in wrestling. You had the fans responding for you for a few months. For a short period of time, you had real life, honest to goodness, actual HEAT. Ride it out, brother. You are now on easy street. You can either go work for the competition after your current Boss gets tired of having to wake people up after your match, or you can work endless Independent matches and make a great living bullying small time promoters into $500 an appearance. You have been known to get Heat in the big leagues; that makes you a STAR in the Indies. 

Naah, the Indies is real hard work. You don’t need that. Just sign on with the competition. You won’t have to put in any more effort. You won’t have to even try to learn any new moves. You won’t have to practice on your mic skills. You are a NAME, you had HEAT. Your new boss will just put you somewhere in the storylines and once in a great while, you’ll get to get on the mic and show that you can still work a sentence like nobody’s business. Once in a great while, you’ll also get into the ring and show the world that nobody can put on a headlock like you can. That standing headlock is a tough sell baby, but you can make it work. I mean, you DO remember those remedial beginning lessons, you’re not THAT lazy. 

Now, here’s the real beauty of it. Since you are going to the competition as a guy who is KNOWN, as a guy who had HEAT, you can ask for more money than EVER BEFORE!! You didn’t have to be like that idiot Chris Jericho and work on your personality for it either. Nor did you have to be like that goofball Bret Hart and spend years perfecting your craft. All you had to do was ride out those 4 months you were the most popular mid carder on the planet. It was easy. Hell, you don’t even have to thank the Heel boss who you broke away from and drew your heat off of. He understands, he doesn’t mind. 

See, was that so hard? You want to be a pro wrestler? Just do what I just described and your dreams can come true. Just do yourself a favor and stick to a high protein, low fat, low carb diet. Spend some time on the treadmill and lift weights for two hours a day. If the weight thing is too much work, talk to a few wrestlers about setting you up with some “medication”, just be sure to call in sick during those “surprise testings”. It'll also help you get laid. Lots of ring rats running around... yes indeed. 

And just like that, you are a paid professional wrestler, known to the crowd and to the promoters. You’re all set for life baby. 

Oh yeah, make friends with Hulk Hogan too. 

Think I’m kidding? I’m not. 

Still don’t believe me? Okay... 

Then YOU explain Vincent.