Mop-Up RAW 01.15.01
Hey Hyatte, I'm a frequent Mop-Up reader and I was wondering if you happened to check out Rick Scaia's "Year in Review" Online Onslaught thingies. He goes over the year 2000 in wrestling, month by month. Anyway, the retarded part is that the "Memorable Quotes" section is just a bunch of quotes from past Online Onslaughts. Yup, his words are really THAT brilliant!
Gabe Saraco BustaUppa@smackdown.com
Yeesh... nothing ever F-ing changes... EXCEPT FOR…
Somewhere out there, Hyatte is smiling...
Al Isaacs, referring to an incident on RAW where Patterson was seen ducking into the Rock's dressing room last week.
Wow... after a year of silence. Think he's pining for the good ol' days?
Anyways, this is the Mop-Up and I am the pickle smoker. I've been on leave for a nice two weeks... chilling out, relaxing, gettin' some trim... ignoring Nitro... barely paying attention to RAW... not really having a clue as to what's going on... getting young girls off with my deep, sexy voice and my penchant for detailed tongue baths... getting young boys off with a solid whack of a shovel over the head and a snort of JD... you know, business as usual. DID YA MISS ME??????
The usual thing to do after one of my celebrated "vacations" is to jam the openers with roughly six pages worth of nonsense and droning... but I really have nothing to say about much of anything at the moment, or at least nothing I plan on going into details about... so how about we do some plugs... throw out a few interesting tidbits... and get this pony show rolling?
This week's And Another Thing is basically a look at the business of a successful gimmick and why wrestlers are afraid to mess with it, even when it grows tired. It's an interesting read, indeed... and you would be remised, chagrined, and SO uncool if you didn't
read the goddam thing. Future AAT's include... oh, I'll just surprise you.
This week's Closer is a long awaited, long overdue, slice of tradition in this recap. It's a special "Farewell" to Mark Madden. I've done this bit twice, to Hogan and Bischoff, and it's usually greeted with raves, applause, and second rate assholes who rip the concept off for their columns. It'll be killer... and yes... maybe I'll toss in a few words about Mark's Mother too.
There was no "Edge" last week, because Dillard had a car wreck. There IS an Edge this week... and it will now be taped on THURSDAYS. We do this mostly because it helps both Greg's and my schedules... plus with the word going around that Eric Bischoff will move "Thunder" back to a Tuesday taping, it would be hard (IE: impossible) to get WCW talent on air. So Thursdays rule. Plus, the WWF stars now get Wednesdays and Thursdays off for the most part, so we can now explore potential guest opportunities over there. As always, if you have any wrestlers e-mail addresses... send them to me.
This Thursday, we have TWO WCW wrestlers on the show... Crowbar and Lash Larioux... okay, so they are nothing to get all that hard over, but concerning the state of WCW these days, it'll be fun to see if I can ring any opinions out of them save for the standard "The ship now has a captain"... rhetoric. So, head on over to The Edge on Thursday evening.
Before I rush into the New WCW (oh please)... allow me this one... small... mark out.
"OZ" IS BACK!!!!!!!!! "OZ" IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!! THE BEST GODDAM SHOW ON TELEVISION IS BACK FOR ANOTHER 8 EPISODES!!!!!!! THIS SHOW IS SO AWESOME!!! SO F-ING COOL!!! AND SO UNCONVENTIONAL!!! THERE IS NO OTHER SHOW LIKE IT!!!!
Really... it's SO good. It's got so many characters, all clearly drawn and thoughtfully defined. None of them are subjected to rigid stereotypes. The most evil character ever created for TV, JK Simmons: "Shillenger" is so f-ing hypnotic that you so badly want to like him, yet he does these monstrous things that makes you WINCE. This season, they are using Luke Perry (who looks to be having the time of his life sinking his teeth into something different on a high profile show) to make Shillenger question his evil deeds and search out for any shred of goodness left inside him. And that's just ONE of the 6 or so subplots that drive this show. Oh, sure... credibility is being stretched left and right (what state would house Chinese Immigrants in a PRISON? If any correction facility in the country had as much murder as Oswald does, the Warden wouldn't last a friggin' DAY), but the acting is rich, the characters eclectic and the pacing is set perfectly. If you don't like one storyline, another is coming within 5 minutes. "Oz" rules... Tom Fontana rules... and I'm watching PPV REPLAYS on Sunday night.
Bischoff is back at WCW... and Internet opinions blitzed online harder than Scaia at the "Sizzler" buffet table. What do I think? I think that the backstage politicking and the Internet "behind the scenes" rumors and backstabbing stories will be a weekly occurrence by the time Pedro throws the first season's pitch at Fenway... and for talentless Internet douchebags like myself... IT'S A GIFT FROM GOD!!!!!!!
Other than that... concerning Bischoff's track record... I see little changes in the pro wrestling power struggle. McMahon has no reason to sweat WCW anymore now then he did a year ago.
So... Scott Keith can talk about his book... CRZ can boast about getting a free pass into "Smackdown"... Scaia can brag about how... whatever that nitwit is always bragging about... none of that matters to me. None of that bothers me. Wanna know why?
Because when I finally grabbed my mail after a month... a found a card addressed to Chris Hyatte... it was an amusing card with Scrooge being visited by Bob Marley with a phattie in his hand. There was also a note from the guy, thanking me for what I do. This guy, named "Grinner" (GrinnerMIJM@aol.com) took the time to pick out a card, write a note, buy a stamp, and send it to me for Christmas... thank you, "mon".
Plus, on "Sin" Sunday night, Ernest Miller shook the hands of a guy on the aisle who had a giant "HYATTE RULES" sign... which the camera TOTALLY shot... okay, so it was "Sin"... which means that the only people who saw it were dipshit recappers. And of course, these jealous MONKEYS wouldn't DARE comment on the sign... because they were too busy taking deep, breathes and chanting over and over, "I DIDN'T SEE IT, NOBODY LIKES HYATTE, I DIDN'T SEE IT, NOBODY LIKES HYATTE!!"
The point of all this? It's that I have the best goddam readers in the world... and I will take each and every one of them over free passes, corporate backing, forum respect, respect from my "peers", and anything else. HOW MANY CHRISTMAS CAREDS DID THE "RICK" GET??? HOW MANY CARDS DID BOB RYDER GET? HOW MANY CARDS DID CRZ GET??? HOW CAN I GET CARDS AND SIGNS WHEN I AM SO GODDAM HORRIBLE???? HOW CAN I GET REAL PROPS WHEN I AM A LOUSY WRITER WITH A WEIRD SENSE OF HUMOR?????? WHY WHY WHY WHY????
Why? Because I talk to you... not at you. And because I am one funny muthaphukka.
That's why. Thanks guys.
Three final quick points, then we're off:
A: Whatever they have planned for "Wrestlemania", they usually set the table for it at the Rumble... so if they plan on turning either Austin or Rocky heel, it should happen at the Rumble. Be prepared for a big surprise. Of course, this is just me being an Internet Douchebag... so take it for whatever you think it's worth.
B: Remember that big press conference with Eric Bischoff held on the day of the big sale announcement? Well, Bob Ryder hosted it. I didn't hear or read the transcript... but rumor has it that Bob flexed his muscle and BARRED someone from "Wrestleline" to take part and ask a question for Bischoff and crew. What a petty, petty man... who pretty much runs UGO's wrestling arena now. I think ol' Bob has designs on taking control of the entire Internet Wrestling scene... be afraid.
C: STRONG word has it that as soon as Bischoff re-took the throne, WCW had contracts for Rob Van Dam, Sabu, and the Road Dogg all typed up and ready for signing. Suddenly, things get interesting.
I guess I'm all set to rock. Shall we commence with ye olde recap? It's been two weeks... perhaps I've thought up a few new lines? Mayhaps I've dreamt up a few new gags? Perchance, could it be possible that I have come up with relatively fresh new material that will make you laugh until you fart brown pellets?
Yeah right... I was inches away from going on a THREE week sabbatical... the well doth run dry, me laddies
RAW IS WAR (or: Spank me, Fanboy)
-Vince voices a touching tribute to Martin Luthor King... wrapping up by stating that if he were alive today, Dr. King would surely love the XFL... (*gasp... that BASTARD!!!! Vince, not MLK)
-Who better to salute a man who preached non-voilence than Vincent K. McMahon? WHO, I ask??
-These two men have one thing in common... WHITE MEAT!!!
-WWF: One World... TWO pro football organizations.
-Brand new shots in the opening theme!! Uh oh... Hunter has replaced Austin as the opening shot. And there are only THREE shots of the Rock!! THE GREAT PECKING ORDER HAS BEEN CHANGED!!!!!!
-nice to see they threw Tazz a bone and gave him the final shot.
-no Road Dogg in sight... there's some chat room fodder for your Mark asses
-Bye bye, Big Show, too
-blink and you missed the quick shot of a blank screen with only the words, "Reserved for Mr. Hogan". (NOTHING'S BEEN SIGNED YET, IT COULD STILL HAPPEN!!!!)
-Fireworks and fans. One guy held up a sign that read "JAKKED"... his buddy quickly elbowed him and whispered "wrong show, douchebag" in his ear.
-Sign reads "FOLEY IS GOD"... UNTRUE!!! Because I refuse to believe that Jesus would come back under the name "Dewey".
-They are in Milwaukee. No wonder the crowd was hot... the last time rasslin' came to town, they had to sit through Hart embarass the sport with that a-hole Mancow.
-We see that Vince made his monthly "tribute" to the New York Health Inspector's "Women and Orphans Fund" and WWF New York is still opened. Now with a kick ass nightclub... well, it's not officially a nightclub yet... not until Puffy shows up and starts some trouble.
-Cameras pan the crowd. Big sign reads, "WE TOTALLY REEK OF AWESOMENESS" (I'm here to say that you do NOT!)
-Jim Ross welcomed us to the show. Lawler is with him too. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hang with an XFL game if Lawler starts slobbering over the cheerleaders every ten seconds... I'll tell you that right now, dude.
-We see that tonight's big ticket will be the Rock and the Undertaker vs Kane and Rikishi. I immediately check to see if I have the right tape in... this seems AWFULLY familiar.
-Ross then says that the WWF ain't afraid of no homo who goes from jet black to grey overnight and insists that no one on camera acknowledges it. (whoa... double negatives, Jim? I'm shocked)
-we are informed that Austin might possibly show up... IF he's feeling up to it. (sounds like my Wedding day... no it doesn't... that was retarded... I apologize)
-The Hardy Boyz came out with Lita... her hair straightened in that "Heroin Chic" look. Thank God for Heroin... makes every girl willing to do anything for a hit.
-HUGE sign that reads, "Lita, I'll Feed Your Need"... yeah, but what if she needs to cuddle? And gab away? THEN YOU'RE STUCK!!!!
-The Right to Censor comes out. Val Venis, Steven Richards, and Ivory. Did you ever think you'd see the day when Stevie is pushed more than Raven? What the F**K are you doing thinking of such nonsense anyway? Go get laid, for crying out loud.
-Last night on "MTV's Heat", Ivory declared that Chyna was afraid of her! And should she ever overcome her injury, she'll offer up her chick strap in a match to prove it! (Oh, you mean that injury that they just spent four weeks and two huge interview segments selling as a POTENTIAL LIFE THREATENING AND DEFINITE CAREER ENDING INJURY THAT WAS SO DEVASTATING THAT IT'S A BLOODY MIRACLE SHE CAN EVEN CHEW SOLID FOOD AND SPEAK SEMI-COHERENT SENTENCES???? THAT INJURY??)
-and by the way... before you listen to Internet Doomsayers who scream about how bad "Heat" is doing on MTV... please keep in mind that MTV RARELY has a show that pulls over a 1 share. TRL barely beats a strong Nitro... "Singled Out" drew 2's and was considered a blockbuster show. MTV single handidly created the "Short Attention Span" style of TV viewing so ANY show that hangs on to a decent chunk of their audience longer than 15 minutes is considered a success. Okay? Use your heads, people!
-to put it another way... if MTV hangs on to an audience longer than the average teen can spank it to a Britney Spears video... they're thrilled.
-That's why Beavis & Butthead (as I shift from quotations to italics with all the grace of a fat 18 year old, high on ecstasy and Colt 45 in the middle of a Limp Bizcut mosh pit) was such a smash... fast, 15 minute episodes... that's why "Jackass" (I just suck) is huge... quick spots... fast and furious... snappy, snappy, snappy.... always moving, always changing... basically, the opposite of this column.
-This will be a 6 person inter-gender tag team match, although the Boyz are effeminate enough not to really need Lita in order to pull this off.
-Val and Jeff go at it... it quickly becomes a double team. Steven gets involved and takes soemthing called the "Spin Cycle"... which really is a funky, cute little move.
-The RTC take control. Ross and Lawler begin to bitch about the RTC's mission statement... to make us all live our lives as they dictate... forget freedom of speech, freedom of expression. They want to tell us what to wear, or what to not wear... what to watch on TV and what not to watch... (so, if Richards says, "Do NOT watch Nitro"... what then, JR? HMMM??)
-Lawler, "I'm not against scantily clad women... at least, not as often as I'd like to be!" (oh... that is a REACH!)
-RTC remains in control... that is until Matt Hardy hits him with a flying legdrop RIGHT ON THE FACE!!!!! (well, his leg only weighs about 6 pounds)
-Jeff is in and cleans some house. He drops a double leg onto Steven's crotch/midsection... Steven jumps to his feet and starts hopping around. Jeff strips off his shirt and dropkicks Steven right in the buttocks. We really did not need this sequence.
-Finally, Lita is tagged in... flying hurracarana on Val. Ivory is in... and she's thrown out.
-This brings out Chyna. I had my shoe in my hand and my arm COCKED... just waiting for someone to scream, "IT'S A MEDICAL MIRACLE!!!!!!"
-No one did. So, I changed things around and suddenly found myself with my shoe in my arm and... well... you can figure it out.
-Chyna threw Ivory back into the ring... Ivory turned and faced her. Lita motioned for her to turn around... she did. Lita hit the twist of fate on Ivory and won the match.
-Chyna entered the ring... the RTC bailed. Chyna grabbed a mic and said, "Hold on a minute, Ivory". (why am I bothering with this minutia?)
-Chyna says that Ivory's challenge was made under assumption that the injury was REAL (it wasn't?? WERE WE LIED TO?)... and that it was made under the assumption that Chyna would be unable to accept it... well GUESS AGAIN, SISTER!!!
-So, according to Chyna's personal schedule... Ivory has about "five days of physical well being" (I'm sure she forgot to include the word "left" at the end there...)
-funny, by MY schedule, Ivory has at least 6 days... Hell, even seven... of course, I'm not the one using my tits as personal sun dials.
-The RTC bailed for real this time... Chyna's music told us not to treat her like a woman (I'm CONVINCED someone in the company thought this would be the next "R.E.S.P.E.C.T.") and the girl who's injury was supposed to make Chris Reeve say "Ooph, better her than me" is walking, talking, and back in action... IT'S A MEDICAL MIRACLE!!!
-aw shit... now I have to hit myself with my shoe... hang on a sec...
-by the way, the Nitro recap is MUCH funnier
-a long, black, limousine pulls up. I smell HEELS ON SIGHT!!!!!
-Stephanie and Triple H step out. (The nose knows). Steph is sporting a brand new XFL jacket!! Because what better way to cheer for large, dumb jocks getting their faces rubbed in muddy cement on a frigid February day then in a cozy, snug winter jacket!
-commercials. Spot for the movie The Gift... or The Film Where Katie Goes Topless or The Film Where Katie Gets One Step Closer To A Full Frontal Nude Love Scene That'll Have Rumors Flying That There Was Actual Penetration OR The Blowoff Raimi Film Before Spiderman. I'll wait until all four movies come to cable.
-I hear "Mr Skin" has pictures of Katie posted on his site... boy... if ONLY someone would be nice enough to loan me their password as a reward for all my hard work... BOY... that would be nice!
-HHH and StephStephSteph come out... to absolutely HORRIBLE theme music, (Did Motorhead EVER not suck?). HHH stepped out in front. Steph paced him few steps behind... she friggin' CREPT to the ring.
-They entered the ring. Steph's hair is all kinked up. Nice bod... but no chick can work the deep, deep part down the middle of the hair... (take that advice to heart, girls... both of you)
-Oy... I can sense a 20 minute HHH promo. and not because I already watched the show as it happened either.
-3H opened up by saying, "You knowww..." (the Clique ain't dead... it's just resting, baby) "wherever I go, it's the same thing..." (lemme guess... "You did WHAT with WHAT? AND YOU ALLOWED SOMEONE TO SNAP PICTURES??????")
-Crowd calls him an "A$$hole"... Ross says, "Hmm, it's always the same part of the anatomy!" (yeah, wouldn't it be a trip if just ONCE, the crowd would chant, "NOSE, NOSE, NOSE NOSE"?)
-It's the same thing, everywhere he goes... at restaurants, the Waiters say to him, "Triple H, kick Austin's ass!!" (Ross didn't buy that... Austin is one of the PEOPLE!!! He's a COMMON MAN!!! Working hard with his HANDS!!!)
-When 3H is at the airport... as he walks BY... he hears people yell, "Triple H... give him one for MEEEE!"
-When he's at a hotel, the "idiot who carries my bags up to the room"... even HE asks HHH to finish Austin off... finish him off, for good!!! (and Lord knows, those unwashed Hotel quilts are literally TEEMING with "finished off" remants of the previous occupants)
-HHH would LOVE to drag Austin's ass down that ramp, into the ring, and finish it once and for all... RIGHT in this ring... RIGHT in front of each and every one of US. Then he pulled out a pen and screamed, "I CAN DO IT, TOO!!!! RIGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!!!! I CAN BOOK IT ALL ON THE SPOT!!!!!"
-But... he won't. Because he made a promise tonight... a promise that he intends to stick to!! (promises like that are what caused Rudy to lose "Survivor").
-He promised NOT to provoke Austin into fisticuffs... for surely, that would lead to... uhh... Patterson's a fairy.
-Stephanie got on the kic and stated that order will be maintained tonight... the crowd responded with jeers and hisses and chants and other derogatory catcalls that reflect MORE on their resentment of the fact that a rich little witch like her would never deem to lower herself and date someone of their level than on just the fact that she's a Heel and Heels get booed. Get some self-esteem, losers!
-Hunter cut Stuff off and shouted, "SHUT YOUR HOLES!!!" (has that EVER worked?)
-Steph continued... saying that the man who will maintain that order, from 2000 miles away... ... on a sattellite hook-up... none other than Vincent K. McMahon!!!!
-Vince showed up on the Titan Tron... wearing his OWN toasty XFL jacket (although I'm SURE, that luxury box will be heated quite nicely so that Vince won't NEED that jacket as he watches the black men ((with a smattering of whites and a couple of Hispanics)) smash into each other in sub-zero temperatures! Gladiator was set 2000 years in the past... AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!!!!!!)
-what follows was some HORRIFIC interaction between a video between Vince that was probably taped weeks ago, and the Helmsey-McMahon pair...
-"Hello Steph how are you doing?"
-"And you Triple H. You're looking good and it's really nice to have your presense back in the squared circle!"
-"Good to be here Vince, I licked your daughter's bunghole out last night!"
-"Well, actually, things are going well with the XFL! I'm glad you asked!"
-HHH, "Hey Vince... I forget, when is Trish throwing that Orgy again?"
-Vince, "The kick-off is on February first!"
-HHH, "Hey Vince, when are you gonna make up some bullshit excuse about not being here tonight just in case Nitro surges in the ratings and I can take the blame for it?"
Vince, "I'm sorry but, I really can't be there tonight because of my other duties. I know that's..."
-Vince, "disheartening for my WWF fans."
-HHH, "Hey Vince, Steph baked everyone brownies laced with Ridalin tonight! Patterson's running around flapping his arms and screaming, "I'M A BUMBLE BEE... I NEED SOMEONE TO STIIIING!!"
-Vince, "Steph, I'm sure you'll make tonight very... interesting!"
-HHH, "Vince, now you sell these idiots the stupid gimmick where I can't touch Austin and he can't touch me!"
-Vince, "Triple H, as you well know, the conversation I've had with you. As well as the conversation I had with Stone Cold Steve Austin earlier this weekend. It was well documented... if you two individuals clash with one another in any way. There going to be serious consequences!"
-HHH, "You're daughter has big breasts, Vince!"
-Vince, "If YOU, Triple H, provoke Stone Cold Steve Austin in any way. You will lose the number one contendership. You will not face Kurt Angle for the WWF title at the Royal Rumble."
-HHH, "I fingered Linda, Vince!"
-Vince, "If Stone Cold Steve Austin provokes you in any way, he loses his right to participate in the 30 Man Royal Rumble itself!"
-HHH, "Vince, how should me and Austin go about with the plan to have a duel in Stephanie's mouth?"
-Vince, "I expect both of you to act like consumate professionals!"
-HHH, "Ah, so no swallowing. Gotcha!"
-Vince, "Which is something that Stone Cold Steve Austin did not do at Smackdown!"
-HHH, "Trish talks in her sleep, huh? How many guys were involved in that little thing anyway?"
-Vince, "Since Austin likes to get involved in 6-man tag team matches..."
-HHH, "Ahh... I see!"
-the rest was just set ups for an Austin 6 man match... followed by farewells. HHH, "Hey Vince, Stephanie's gonna give the Big Show some anal tonight and I'm gonna nail Lillian Garcia!"
-Vince, "Good luck, you two!". Vince signed off.
-This wasn't over. HHH had MORE to say. (oh MAN... I've seen Funerals that were quicker... Hell, there was one on Nitro just an hour ago!!!)
-Concerning Kurt Angle. HHH broke the news that... you know, how easy would it be to take a good female friend, device a backstory and get on the next edition of Temptation Island? The guy bangs every vag, the girl rides every spiffy... I mean STIFFY (I'm very disappointed in you, Spiffy, by the way), they pony up some fake tears... BOOM, you get weeks of absolutely free sex with models. I PROMISE you, a couple of friends are already planning this! I would, but I have no friends... male or female... except for Murtz Jaffer... where's my gun?
-I'll wait for the Gay Temptation Island... because it'll be SO creepy watching men hit on men and SO funny watching their lovers freak out on them... "Tsk... YOU PROMITHED TO STHAY TROOOO!!!! YOU BITCH!!" (sorry, but it's tough to speak "gay" on paper... or screen)
-Why break out into a "T.I." riff? Because... although HHH IS probably the best wrestler working today... IT'S TOO BORING LISTENING TO HIM WAX POETIC ON HOW GREAT HE IS ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I'll do it quick... 3H said that Kurt was WWF only because HE (HHH) allowed it... then he ragged on the way Kurt has been booked to weasel out of money matches with his title... commenting on using his Brother as a decoy under the ring. (Ross, "Certainly, Triple H would never do anything like that, would he?"... well, he WOULD have tried to "look-a-like relative" gimmick... but Jennifer Grey HAD to get the nosejob... HAD to get it sliced off)
-It should be noted that Steph spent most of this segment posing as if it was 1987 and she was auditioning for a Dokken video.
-HHH said that he will be the WWF champ... and Angle can't do a thing about it.
-Kurt Angle came out. Staying at the ring entrance, Kurt first told Stephanie that he was very, very disappointed in her. Padding his belt, which was wrapped around his middle, he said, "You blew it, Babe!" (yeah well... let us in on a new secret).
-Angle reminds Steph that the last time Hunter was WWF champion was when... King of the Ring? Which Angle won, incidentally.
-Angle admitted that HHH was good... that he was the "Game(-ah)"... but if you want to talk about games... well, "Donkey Kong himself, has a better shot at taking the title than you do!!" (believe it or not... there was a time when a game that was basically you jumping over barrels as you walked up a series of ramps was once considered the greatest friggin' thing since the Television).
-In fact, the only difference between HHH and DK is that Donkey King is the "big, smelly, hairy ape that people actually LIKE!"...(yeah... but Hunter only throws his feces at people he LIKES!)
-anyone remember "Berserk"? One dot runs around a small maze-like structure shooting other dots.
-BY GOD!!! BACK IN THE DAY, MEN WERE MEN, WOMEN KEPT THEIR YAPS SHUT, AND "PONG" WAS ALL WE NEEDED!!!!!!!!
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Angle told Steph that since she is no longer in his corner, he went out and got someone who would be... and old friend of the McMahons...
-Trish came out. Bedecked in fur and diamonds... Ross sarcastically asked where she got those (I dunno... did Patterson have a yard sale?)
-Trish likes hanging with Angle, because much like her relationship with Vince, she likes men who are on top! (Yeah, but they could strain their BACKS, bending backwards from those things!!!)
-Steph gets the last word... saying that since "no" doesn't seem to be a part of her vocabulary (yeah? give me 5 minutes with her... I'll get 40 "no's", 23 "You're a weirdo"s, 16 "not even if you were the last man on earth", 3 slaps on the face, and 2 huge kicks in the balls)... so she's gonna book Trish against Jacqueline tonight... and it'll be a "Spanking Match"!)
-Ross, "A Spanking Match? A SPANKING MATCH???"
-and... FINALLY... because God can sometimes be NICE... the segment... FINALLY... ended. Oye.
-Ross and Lawler hype up the "Spanking Match"... the spanking match... good Lord... did'ja ever think that maybe that Bozell guy is actually on to something?
-We see how Trish now is directly associated with spanking... it happened on Smackdown. Vince was upset at Trish... Trish said that she was a bad girl... SO bad that she thinks that she deserves a spanking. She bent forward towards the camera, sticking her ass towards Vince... Vince began his patented, deep throated, grunts, grumbles, and growls. Oh GROSS... it's like when your Dad tries to pick up your girlfriend. I can totally see Jack Nicholson behaving this way with someone like Jenna Jameson.
-Backstage, Stephanie can't believe that little sl(BLEEEP) Trish... HHH was grinning. Suddenly, I am CONVINCED that he's bagged Trish in real life. That's a "Been There, Done That, And Do It Again Later" look if I've EVER seen one.
-The pair plan a way to F-with Austin tonight. (Hey Hunter! Throw Debra a lay! THAT'LL mess with his head!)
-Test came out. 'bout time he gets the singles push.
-Raven came out. With a blue doo-rag around his head. Maybe his gimmick's gonna be the "Pirate of Pat'sass"? (now THAT'S a booty)
-....... well... that was unfortunate.
-Raven had a cart filled with nastiness. This is gonna be for the Hardcore title.
-It's tragic that Raven was ALMOST able make to make it through his whole career in that gimmick without someone putting a "CAW, CAW" in his theme song... almost.
-Raven dumps stuff out of his trash can. Test thought it UNWISE to wait until he was done, and attacked.
-Test absorbed some Raven jabs... and landed a BIG Full-Nelson Slam... this guy is the FUTURE!!!!!!
-Hardcore Holly ran out with a Ref and tried to pin Raven after knocking Test out for a bit. Raven kicked out. Test got back into it. Steve Blackman showed up. Raven tried to run away. Test chased him. Test got beaned with a street sign. Test picked Raven up and launched his head into the big "WWF.Com" sign... Blackman and... oh F-It
-Raven and Test fought in the back, Regal showed up OUT OF THIN AIR!!!! (Hey!! Pasty, white skin... REGAL'S A VAMPIRE!!!!) and hit Test with his European belt. (wasn't he knee deep in an Austin program just A WEEK AGO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!) Raven pinned test and kept his belt.
-Raven took off, storming out through a door with a sign that CLEARLY read, "DOOR MUST BE CLOSED AT ALL TIMES" (Oh, he is SUCH a DISALLUSIONED 30ish REBEL!!!!!! RAVEN RECOGNIZES NO LAW OTHER THAN HIS OWN!!!!!)
-One would wonder... why put a door there, then post strict orders never to use it?
-Raven dove into a car, where a getaway driver took off. Ross and Lawler loudly wondered who it was. (seriously, I'm going to guess... CRASH!)
-Meanwhile, Hardcore and Blackman showed up on the scene too late. They started to argue. Holly said, "How about a MATCH!" Blackman said, "LET'S DO I...wait a second..." then he went off camera for a minute. He came back with a cup of coffee in his hand. He splashed it on his chest, screamed, "ARRGH, YOU BASTARD!!! LET'S DO IT!!!" (Now we've got a BLOOD FEUD!!!!)
-Kevin Kelly has an interview with the Rock scheduled for after the break. His preparation apparently consists of making goo goo eyes at Rocky as he paces back and forth. (I hear this is how Merv used to prepare for his guests, too)
-Dick Butkus compares "Smashmouth" to a religion-like philosophy. (Come on... "Walking On The Sun" is a DECENT song... but give me a break.)
-Kevin Kelly has the Rock. He gets maybe 4 words out before he is invited to talk to the hand. Kelly closes his eyes and dreamily waits for Mack Daddy Duane to lay the "Smackdown" on HIS "candy ass". (HomOOOO)
-Rocky says "finally..." blah, blah, blah...
-Rocky says that this will be the LAST time he teams with the Undertaker, since every single time they have teamed together, it went sour....
-"Undertaker... we ain't partners, we ain't brothers, and we ain't friends!! If Ganz gets away with my money, you're gonna be sorry you ever met me!"
-off camera... from a distance... UT's voice is heard, "I'm already sorry!"
-Then Rocky reminds us that today is a special day for the Rock... just as it's a very special day for every person in the world! (eh... I know for a fact that Corey Feldman does NOT give a hoot)
-See, today is the Birthday of another "Great One"... of Dr. Martin Luthor King, Jr.!
-And just like DRMLK has a dream... the ROCK hads a dream... a dream, of going to the Royal Rumble and throwing body after body over the top rope until there is only one left.
-The Rock has a DREAM... of going to Wrestlemania and beating up the white man for the WWF title!!!
-and JUST like DRMLK has a dream... the Rock has a dream... 24/7/4/12/365... a DREEEAAM of whippin' ass and...blah blah blah...
-What are the odds that Betty Shabazz watched this and started to yell at the tube, "No, NO, my young brother.... you're missing the POINT!!!"
-Oh, probably a little lower than the odds that Betty Shabazz even WATCHES this crap.
-The crowd pops... Spike Lee's head explodes.
-Michael Cole talked to the Dudley Boys. D-Von (YESSS) told E&C; that there will be NO escape at the Royal Rumble. "Ohhh, my Brother... TESTIFYYY"
-Buh Buh apparently needs a new eyewear prescription, because he told Cole that after the three of them take out Angle, and E and C, they are going to take Cole on a little trip to "Dudleyville" for a "discussion". Cole sputtered, "Umm... Buh Buh... I'm not Austin". Buh Buh whipped off his glasses... said, "Aw shit"... then repeated his promo to the camera.
-HHH & Stephanie had Vince on the speakerphone. Vince decided to re-arrange the Rock/UT tag match tonight. Then Steph and 3H discussed how to F-with Austin tonight.
-commercials. 3H pushes a Weider product. Joe Weider is about as much a real person as the Jolly Green Giant is... sorry to break it to you.
-Yes, they are sold out in Milwaukee.
-and to prove it, we see two member of the Milwaukee Bucks in the front row. One of them had his (I assume) young son with him. Heh... boy, is THAT kid in for a little treat tonight!
-Ross and Lawler chow down on time!
-The Undertaker rolls out on his bike to Limp Bizcut's "Rollin'"... which is all well and good, but UT looks damn silly telling Rocky to "get better beats and get better rhymes"
-Funny, just as Fred Durst says, "Put your hands UP!!" UT reaches for the sky. The Ref tried to discreetly tell the big guy that he wasn't being mugged.
-Rikishi rolls out... on NO bike. He rolled halfway down, stood up, and shouted, "WHO TRIPPED ME, GODDAMMIT??"
-Kane walked out. He does not roll.
-Rocky came out. No one has the BALLS to trip him on MLK day.
-It is now Kane and Rock vs UT and Rikishi.
-After some bickering... Rocky and Rikishi are in the ring. They stare at each other silently. Two predators, stralking each other... patiently waiting for the other to make the slightest wrong move... two hunters, trained to move on instinct... two warriors.... two fighters... it's a test of skill... of endurance... or stamina... of... of... WILL ONE OF YOU DO SOMETHING FOR CRYING OUT LO...
-Oh... I accidentally hit the pause button... my mistake.
-They fought. Rocky laid the punches out... popped Rikishi around
-Kane was tagged in... he took an assfull in the corner... he fought back and chokslammed Rikishi... no he didn't... but he DID bodyslam him.
-Kane gave out a top rope clothesline.
-UT was able to get tagged... he faced off with Kane. I SWEAR, I saw UT mutter, "Not this F-ing clown again!"
-Kane tagged in Rocky... he and UT traded shots.
-UT twisted the Rock's arm and screamed, "OLD SCHOOL"!!! (this is why he RULES!). Then he walked the top ropes.
-Soon, it came down to the standard "Both-Men-Out-Cold-Who-Has-The-Will-To-Rise-First" move.
-UT was up first. (On MLK day... damn... the dream is dead)
-It gets into a big brawl. Kane and Rikishi fight outside.
-Rocky hits the Spinebuster.
-Rocky waits for the Rock Bottom... Kane creeps back into the ring. He gets a chokeslam on Rocky. He slips out and watches halfway up the ramp.
-UT stumbles up... see's a laid out Rocky... doesn't seem to give a F**K what he missed... picks Rocky up... lifts him UUUUP for the last Ride...
-Then loses it... Rocky teeters a bit... then down he goes. (Ooops... I don't care... THE UT STILL RULES!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!! OLD SCHOOOOOOOL!!!!!)
-UT put Rocky back down and simply did the move again. Ross and Lawler agree that Rocky was "dead weight" (yeah, BLAME THE BLACK MAN!!!! Pricks)
-UT gets the pin. Rikishi liked it. Kane seemed... satisfied.
-Chris Benoit is backstage. He spots a ladder, smiles, and folds up it's supports with a mighty swing of his arm! Evil is afoot.
-Short and sweet... Benoit's out... sets up the ladder... climbs it... sits/half stands on it... shows a video of all the beating he has given Jericho since showing up, played to Jericho's own music... cuts a promo... dares Jericho to prove him wrong.
-Jericho runs out from behind, climbs the ladder, and knocks Benoit off. Benoit goes flying. Jericho cuts his own promo. Get used to theis fast, fast (unfunny) recap from here on out... God DAMN, feel like I've been doing this for two days, now :)
-There's an excellent explanation for my tardiness this week... which I will share with you as soon as I can think of one.
-Backstage, the Dudley's are AMBUSHED by Christian and Edge! Chairshots galore!
-Christian says that it appears that the Dudley's have the night off now. Ross, always one to state the obvious, shouts, "NIGHT OFF?? NIGHT OFF??? BUT THEY ARE AUSTIN'S PARTNERS TONIGHT!!! AND THE MATCH IS NEXT!!!!!!!!"
-Ross's pants bursts into flames as Hardcore Holly and Blackman fought... mostly with the Referee, who finally had it with the abuse and walked away... leaving both men in the ring alone. Holly hit Blackman and walked away.
-HHH, Steph and Vince scheme as to how to F-with Austin (anyone else see a recurring theme here?)
-it's decided that Austin will do a three on one match. I wonder if we can start calling that match a "Stephanie Match"?
-Trish was in her dressing room. Admiring her ass.
-Out comes Trish. Lawler's so heated that he wipes the sweat off his saggy chest.
-Jacqueline comes out. What's with the Foxy Brown hairstyle?
-They get slappin'...
-The object was simple... Trish gets whipped with a strap.
-Angle came out to register his outrage. Jacky took a few whips.
-Trish tried to get away. Jacky pulled down her leather pants and whipped her. Angle pulled her away and escorted her up the ramp. Trish yanked her pants back up. She sold the injury... a LOT... damn
-Lawler... well... he... you know... even Lawler gets annoying sometimes. He's like 50!!!
-K Kwick and Too Cool fought Tazz and Kaientia. K Kwick showed some AMAZING skills... I have to keep an eye on him... LATER.
-Oh, and Tazz won it for his team.
-Oh, and Kaientia did that thing with the voice-overs that I'm sure you're all aware of. This gimmick isn't going anywhere.
-Oh, and Lawler finally did it and strongly hinted that he had to go jerk-off. It's time for Lawler to CHILL THE F**K OUT, OKAY???
-backstage, Kurt gives Trish the rest of the night off. Trish's hands never left her ass. Nor did my eyes, for that matter.
-a "Royal Rumble" replay from last year showed Rikishi suckering Too Cool into being eliminated. Why don't they f-ing grow a set and show what we REALLY want to see... Flair dumping out Hogan and winning the whole she-bang?
-Austin is sort of set...
-HHH and Steph scheme to F-with Austin some more.
-Footage of Chyna from earlier that night.
-Billy Gunn was at WWF New York and gamely tried to convince us that he's gonna win the Rumble on Sunday. The crowd behind him simultaneously broke out in hysterics. The camera cut away before Billy's face went from crimson to purple.
-Angle and the Kids were walking... and smiling.
-We are reminded as to why the Dudley's aren't working the match.
-Austin comes out. (FIRST??? AM I IN THE BIZARRO UNIVERSE???)
-The three boys come out. Austin is grinning. Ross wonders why?
-They enter the ring. Austin smiles deeply. Ross snaps and screams, "He's gone nuts!! I can't let this happen!! I'M COMING STEVE, I'M COMING STEVE!!" Lawler screams, "JR, SIT DOWN!!! PUT YOUR HAT BACK ON!!! BUTTON THAT SHIRT BACK UP, DAMMIT!!!"
-thankfully, the Acolytes come out to assist Austin. It IS a 6 man tag!!!
-Which quickly becomes a ONE ON ONE, as the Acolytes and E & C end up fighting up the ramp and out of sight. (it was a BIT more complexed than that... but I have full confidence that this is NOT your first ever RAW and you probably can figure out the minor details your own damn selves)
-Austin hits Angle with a Superplex. Angle aces out of the pin attempt.
-HHH comes out to watch.
-Angle crotches Austin. He goes to work.
-Austin fights back
-Angle with the belly to belly
-Pin try... nope
-HUGE clothesline off the corner by Angle
-Angle tried for the Olympic Slam. Austin counters with a Side Russian LEGSWEEP???
-Lou Thesz Press... flurry of shots
-Angle dives off the top rope. Austin kicks him in the gut as he lands... Austin with the Stunner.
-Austin pins Angle! HHH sips his water!! (What a Heel BASTARD!!)
-Austin grabs some beers... HHH orders the music off... he's not finished speaking. (Ugh... does he ever shut up?)
-After remind everyone of the history between them, HHH gets in the ring and starts to BEG Austin to hit him.
-They get nose to nose... then HHH turned his head slightly so Austin could get back into the ring (HAW!!!!!!)
-They get pecker to pecker... then HHH turned his body slightly so Austin could get back into the ring (Lucky bastard)
-HHH offers Austin the first shot. "HIT ME AUSTIN, HIT ME!!!"
-HHH, "I thought you were a MAN!!"
-Austin didn't back down... he just didn't do anything
-HHH called Austin a "punk"... he kept egging him on... questioning his ownership of a "sac"
-Austin ran out, grabbed a chair... and waged an internal war between pride and sense... said war clearly interpreted outwardly by the way Austin waved the chair back and forth...
-finally... Austin popped two middle fingers in his face and walked away. Smart man.
-Austin was about to vanish... when HHH broke the camel's back and called Austin a "(BLEEEEP)" (what did he call him? WHAT?? A JEW?? A REPUBLICAN??? A YANNI FAN????)
-Austin went red and charged the ring.... all was about to be ruined when...
-Angle came out of nowhere and gave HHH the Olympic Slam!! He celebrated... Austin gave him another Stunner... then mouthed off into HHH's face, on the mat. Ross applauded the small measure of gained revenge!!! All was well with the world.
-The show ends.
Well, the last seconds where Angle showed up ROCKED... I, of course, was wondering where he scurried off to during the HHH mic spot but it's okay if you didn't. I am a trained observer, after all.
It's Thursday... why are you reading this?
I hope you read the Nitro recap... it's quite good... maybe one of my best. Yes, you can take that for whatever you think it's worth.
I'm GOING NOW!!!
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