Mop-Up RAW 01.22.01
ok.....first of all, I know you have to TRY to make your article entertaining. But joking about Sid's injury??? That was very low class. All you did was talk shit. about anything and everything that you could think of a snappy line for. You talked about Lex sweating?? Damn, the guy had on a suit! Yoe ever been in a coliseum?? Hell, I was sweating in a t shirt. You talked about Animal being fat....he may not have the body he used to, but, I'm sure you don't look so awesome yourself. Your ramblings aren't informative......not even amusing.......it's just you and your opinions......who gives a shit?! Everybody who watches Nitro or Raw, has opinions of how the show went. Why do we need to read your take? And I'm sure you could care less about my thoughts, well that's cool with me. Cause I don't care about yours. Have a nice day.
Okay... I'll try.
It's me again. I'm here. Hello. This is the Mop-Up. My name is Chris. How are things with you? Good. This week's opener will be about web guys, MTV, Katie Holmes, and plugs galore... I'm sure you'll fall right asleep.
Plugs come first... as they are wont to do around here. This week's And Another Thing is a kayfabe-like look at the New Backyard Wrestler. It's a bit of a tale that indirectly involves... well... I don't want to give it away, let's just say that my goal with AAT is to make sure you have no earthly clue what to expect with each column... It's a hell of a read if I do say so m'self. You can peruse it right... oh, how about right here.
This week's Closer is a slice of REAL life that has NOTHING to do with wrestling (there's more to life, kids... much more). It's a look at the fun times, the hijinks, and the sitcom-like doings of the Providence Police Force. It's all true, and it will shock you. Not at the level of corruption, but at the OBVIOUSNESS of it. Read it, and be in for a real kick.
I should mention the great A1 wrestling site here... and point out to the owners that I am the only guy who happily plugs who on a semi-weekly basis.
As far as the Edge goes... I'll talk about it AFTER I have a long, deep chat with Dillard about dedication and focus. Until then, no comment.
Okay, moving on... I slept through the Royal Rumble replay... (Oz comes first, people), so I missed the title match and the Rumble itself... I SHOULD order the encore performance... but Nitro is on tonight... and I.. well, I'll explain it briefly at the top of the Nitro recap that none of you will read.
Web Guys... three of them. Last week, I reported on a rumor that Bob Ryder intentionally kept Wrestleline out of a Bischoff/Fusient/WCW press Conference. Well, Bob wrote to me HIMSELF and explained that he didn't even HOST the conference (he wrote this well before Scherer briefly discussed it), so if Wrestleline was barred... it wasn't because of him.
I would like to point out that he didn't threaten me, he didn't curse at me, he didn't say ANYTHING about getting a lawyer and suing me... he simply explained to me where he was at the time of the conference. He even thanked me when I said that I'll correct the controversy. Considering our history, that's amazing. I believe him, Bob's clean. It makes sense... WCW needs all the press it can get right now.
Bob did NOT refute my claim that he was trying to take over the Wrestling Internet Scene, though. Be afraid, kids. (And sorry about the phone number thing from last year)
As far as Scherer goes... eh, he was just protecting his boss/partner... no problems.
BUT... note to Dave... I have NEVER once tried to call myself a "reporter"... I am a "Wrestling Feature Writer and sometimes Entertainer"... but I am no reporter. Of course, Dave doesn't read this, so the message falls on deaf ears.
Moving on, Note to You: I "crow" about getting stuff from readers out of deep appreciation... and they seem to like getting their asses kissed by me in this column. It's like how you "crow" about getting comped into the shows so you can show your appreciation to the good "massas" at your site. I hope they finally reward all your free labor with 40 acres and a mule when and if the site should ever close down.
AND... you do realize that by defending Scaia, you are actually fueling me to keep pounding on him... yeah, I think you DO realize this.
Speaking of Dicky face... he recently had this to say:
This column is for the masses who don't know the answers and who mail in with their questions... it is not for you. Unless you want to get motivated to flood me with questions that would be both interesting and "hard" enough to make the column fun for you, too. Which you don't. Because that's not as much fun as making fun of what a stupid mark The Rick is.
Well, he's right, it IS fun. But, the problem is that "The Rick" is a stupid mark for HIMSELF!!! he is so caught up in this "I AM AN INTERNET KNOW-IT-ALL! I AM TO BE IDOLIZED!!!" complex... he has been since I started at Scoops. Listen to him... "for the masses"... for the sheep that HE thinks worship him. Too bad his answers are usually WRONG... or at least INCOMPLETE and sloppy. But he brushes that off with some lame ass "It's all from my memory, crippled by years and years of more alcohol than simpletons like you could even FATHOM" Remember, this is a guy who calls himself a VIKING on his non-wrestling page (which might be gone now, I haven't kept up with it).
Face it, douchedick, "Ask the Rick" is simply an online masturbation session for you. It's just your way of giving yourself head without struggling to reach over that fat belly of yours.
He wants interesting and "hard" questions... eh? Okay, why don't you folks "get motivated" and ask him these:
"Why are you such a hardon?"
"Why are you the 'Rick'?"
"Why don't you talk about your former ECW recapper? Surely you have opinions?"
"Why does every WWF PPV NOT suck in your eyes?"
"Have you EVER been laid?"
"Why is your brother blowing old men for spare change on Melrose?"
"Hey Mr. Business genius, is it true that in your next contract, your recappers will have to pay Wrestline in order to write for them?"
"How's that Web Design business that you never talk about anymore working out?"
"Are you a blowhard asshole offline too?"
"How does it feel to lose Dusty's 'Battle of the Bands'?"
"Why did you say that Harlem Heat was related? Is it because all blacks look the same, Rick?"
Wow... now THAT felt good.
Well, I'm out of time for the MTV thing, so I'll jump on Katie (in my DREAMS... homeboy)
Thanks to ALL who directed me to sites that had naked pix of Katie Holmes up. As I surfed around, I noticed that 90% of all celebrity fan sites usually start off with the web master apologizing for the lack of updates, or describing the deep minutia of running it. But, many of you did throw me some GREAT shots... and one of you actually bought and made a nice Mr. Skin account (I'd name names and kiss ass... but there's no sense to cause the guy to get thrown off). Anyway... because I am THE MAN... and because I am APPRECIATIVE... allow me to share the wealth. Because damn, Katie has some PHENOMENAL breasts... for a girl like her... small, petite... they are damn near PERFECT...
So, enjoy this
Now, I realize that it's not the best shot... a little blurry and all... so I'll also let you feast on this nice, hot fake one
I please to aim.
One question... Katie is from Toledo, Ohio... who was it who claimed that "nothing cool or attractive ever came out of Toledo"? I wonder.
Let's start this thing already. Shall we?
RAW IS WAR (or: I lost 60 pounds! I finally had that 'roid removed)
-WWF IS one world. One world IS the WWF. A slightly scarier concept then the brand new "W" Administration... but nowhere NEAR as frightening as "Attorney General Ashcroft".
-actually, I think they just threw him out there first so that he can be rejected and the guy they REALLY want can be voted in with little problem. But what do I know? I still think Nixon was actually a Martian in disguise.
-Opening theme. My favorite is the shot of Eddie Guerrero. He looks JUST like Ricky did whenever he listened to one of Lucy's crazy schemes.
-Fans, fireworks, fans on fire.. (eek!! PUT A BLANKET ON THAT KID!! HURRY!!!)
-Jim Ross welcomes us to "Raw on the Bayou"... Later the next day, John Fogarty's Lawyer welcomed WWFE, Viacom, and Titan Sports to a massive copyright infringement lawsuit.
-WWF New York in Times Square is RED HOT!! I hear one of the producers of Wrestleline tried to get into the place for a "live chat"... but Bob Ryder called in a few favors and got him barred from entering. FOR CHRISSAKES BOB!!!! I JUST GOT THROUGH CLEARING YOUR GOOD NAME!!!! WHY EMBARRASS ME LIKE THIS??
-Ross promises us a "mack daddy haymaking slobberknocking, brohaha" of a main event tonight. Oh yes, for you see... there is NO rest after a huge PPV... none at all... these kids fight EVERY day... rain or shine... snow or wind... day in/day out... each and every night they put their very LIVES on the line for you... for us... for the drooling fans who cannot live without wrestling... who sleep at night dreaming about it... who eschew school work for it... who throw women out of bed for it... who... who... my God, I feel like the biggest homo right now...
-It's the Rock vs Jericho tonight! AHA!! A true test of mettle between two of the biggest faces around!! This one isn't for blood!!! It isn't for revenge!! It's for the GLORY OF SEEING WHO WAS THE BETTER COMPETITOR ON THIS NIGHT!!! THIS IS WHAT WRESTLING IS ABOUT, DAMMIT!!! THIS IS FOR THE MARK IN US ALLLLL!
-oh... I see... it's actually Rock and Jericho vs Benoit and the Big Show. F-Glory, this is for blood and revenge. F-you Marks too. Bunch'a pussies.
-The Big Show is back, eh? If this push don't work, our boy Paul might pop up in WCW just in time to be the annual big "Bash at the Beach" surprise.
-The festivities begin with Lemmy from Motorhead (oy gevault... suddenly, I miss "Crush 'Em") screeching out HHH's theme.
-The Game comes out with his bride, Stephanie McMahon. He is carrying a sledgehammer
-Hunter is going with the sleeveless denim jacket over a traditional leather one. Outfits like this, although effective in putting out the "tough guy" image, simply will NOT put you in the good graces of that playful little fop, Mr. Blackwell... do you REALLY want to raise the fashion ire of HIM, HUNTER????
-Oh, I can see it now... "Mr. Helmsley may work wonders without a shirt on, but how he could ever wrestle his way into these outdated Greenwich Village outfits! Gorgeous George just rolled over in his grave watching this caveman lounge about in frocks that even he would consider atrocious!" Oh... the scandal of it all... the biting WIT!
-someone tell Stephanie that Poison broke up years ago.
-*sniff sniff*... yeah, that joke's a week old.
-Lawler says that Triple H has been in a bad mood all day. I scream, "HOW BAD IS IT?" He responds "you'd rather get your hemorrhoids removed with a soldering knife then be in the same room with him all day!" Backstage, rumor has it that Patterson screamed, "CAN'T I HAVE BOTH???" Yes, that's the best I can come up with.
-HHH held and caressed his sledgehammer. Lawler asked what was he going to do with that thing? Ross said, "I shudder to think." (Relax Jimmy... little lube... a little finesse... and with that Bell's Palsy... you won't feel a thing.)
-LET THE FIRST PROMO ON THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA BEGIN!!!!
-HHH, "You knowwww"... (oy... nothing ever changes), there's nothing I hate worse than coming to some little hole in the wall, piece of crap, town like this... (suddenly...it hit me... I know... I GUARENDAMNTEE... Hunter has no f-ing CLUE what town they're in right now! Hasn't the foggiest.... I just KNOW it... I can SMELL it.)
-BUT... HHH was looking forward to this particular Raw for a long time, because he was working under the assumption that he would enter this town... as the WWF champion! This was supposed to be "My Night!" (oh haven't we had enough of those? I LIKE Angle as champ!)
-the crowd calls him "ASSHOLE"... Stephanie sneers... but in a sexy way. That girl is hell bent on making herself a sex symbol.
-Alas... thanks to the evil doings of Steve Austin, his plans were foiled. (Nice to see I slept through another screw job ending.)
-Ross called HHH the "cerebral assassin". Good call. Anyone who tries to logically rationalize his speedy recovery time after getting dropped in that car will automatically be deducted 5 IQ points.
-HHH said that by all rights, he should be the WWF champion right now... right "in the middle of this very ring"... he was pointing downward... which drives anal pricks like me (??did I just come out?) crazy because he was standing NEAR THE CORNER TURNBUCKLE!!! NO WHERE NEAR THE MIDDLE OF THAT VERY RING!!! OOO, I HATE THAT!!!)
-Yes, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin SCREWED him!! well, HHH is TIRED of it. He's tired of "ALL the Games"! (so, you're going back to the blue blood gimmick, Hunty baby? Gonna try to make that work?)
-He's tired of all the "back and forth"... (yeah, let the CHICK do some of the work for a change! Instead of just lying there... doing her nails... bitch)
-He's tired of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. (Ross, "yeah well, HE'S TIRED OF YOU, PAL!!!" You just never HEAR Schiavone break his professionalism like that... that's why Tony RULES!!!)
-oh... right.. except for the time Dusty Rhodes joined the NWO... and Tony simpered to Tenay, "Our kids play together, Mike! How could he do this?" There was a douchey moment... not to mention creepy... Dustin is like... 30!!
-So, as soon as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (is it in everyone's contract that they MUST refer to him by his full name AND nickname?) shows up tonight... (if he does... they are in Gator country, Austin may be down in the swamp shooting up a pair of boots). HHH lovingly looks at the sledgehammer... "I will be waiting.."
-Ever have gator meat? It's mighty darn tasty.
-the crowd chants something... HHH says, "Go ahead, make me madder than I already am!" (How much rage does he need before Lou Ferrigno comes out of that nose?)
-HHH, for the SECOND time in one promo... "because the fact of the matter is..." (that's GOT to be some sort of record)
-HHH made it real simple for us (he has to... he's the cerebral assassin, after all), Austin's gonna get his head split opened TONIGHT and as SOON AS HE COMES IN. Boom... this is the law... this is the plan.
-Out comes Kurt Angle, who is making a damn fine champ cum fly-in-everyone's ointment. "Cum", of course defined as "by way of", or "as a way to accomplish a goal or arriving at a station without directly approaching said goal or station"... not the stuff that help make maggots. I just made all of that up. It's my way of saying "cum" withOUT directly going the crass route... BEHOLD THE IRONY AND TREMBLE BEFORE THE POWER OF "THE CHRIS"!!
-ah... I'm just a big a douchebag as all the others. My saving grace is that I don't hide it.
-Stephanie sneers, sexily at Angle. I'd love to screw one of her nostrils.
-Kurt stays at the entrance way and says, "Triple H, maybe your name should be 'Triple W' for 'waah, waaah, waaah' " (big pop)
-Kurt mocked HHH's spiel about "this was supposed to be my night"... then claimed that only HE costed (costed? Old Dirty Bastard writing these scripts?) HHH the title.
-See, Stone Cold didn't cover HHH's prone body for the 3... it was your Olympic hero! (Funny? I thought Mark Spitz died?)
-Angle told 3H that it wasn’t his fault that ..."Austin, and the rest of the world for that matter, HATE you so much!" (Stephanie, God bless her, mouthed, "*I* don't hate you!!" to him... oh man... like... get a GRIP, hon)
-Kurt advised HHH to spend a little less time crying over spilled milk (Hunter misses my old PPV recaps? WOW???) and a little more time, DRINKING milk, like him!
-HHH got on the mic and congratulated Kurt for his cute way with words... but he still isn't in the mood for this. So, he invited Kurt to come into the ring and get his head caved in with the sledge hammer. (anyone else detecting a bit of... I don't know... LAZINESS... at those script meetings? WHY DON'T THEY SMARTEN UP AND BRING IN SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO USE THE WORD "CUM" IN A SENTENCE AND GET AWAY WITH IT?? HIRE ME VINCE!!!)
-Angle laughed at HHH's pitiful threats and asked why HHH needs "foreign objects" to do his work. (Stephanie, God Bless her, mouthed "Oh baby, you know I don't really NEED my 'Pocket Rocket', it just comes in so HANDY sometimes!)...
-Angle mentioned the time HHH ran over Austin with a car, among his other deeds. And there went any shot Rikishi had at staying in the main event echelon. LET THE HISTORY BE RE-ARRANGED!!
-Angle challenged Hunter to beat someone on "natural ability"... The crowd, "Whooooooooah"... I haven't heard anything so prolonged as the time Richie took apart Fonzie's bike in order to get the Fonz to adapt to life as a blind man.
-Quick, here's my impression of that tearful moment... *cough*... *ahem*....
-thank you... no, please... sit down... too nice, too kind.
-Hunter agreed to it... right after he gets through with Austin.
-Angle agreed to the agreement (oh they are just KILLING time now). "Consider it done, Monkey Boy" (horse tooth creature from the jungle).
-Oh thank GOD it was o...
-Out comes Trish Stratus... (aw dammit). Since everyone there is in an issue-challenging mood... umm... challenge-issuing mood... she's got one of her own.
-Trish, "Stephanie... you knowww (AHA!!!! NASH F-ED HER!!!!)"
-Trish told Steph that she tried to be friends with her... but her little poopyness (what?) wasn't having it... so why doesn't she face her... TONIGHT!!
-Steph asked for, and received, the mic from her husband. After flipping her hair back she said, "You know, Trish..." (MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!! NOT STEPHANIE!!!! NASH JUST PLOWS THROUGH AL OF THEM!!! HE REALLY IS BIG SEXY!!!!!! DOES VINCE KNOW!!!)
-Stephanie paused to take in a "slut" chant... then coyly said "since you want to get your hands on a McMahon so badly... well then, I'm more than happy to oblige you!" (okay people... fess up... since I know ALL of your Daddies have cheated with some bimbo at least ONCE in their lives, therebye destroying your family and sending you into a whirlwind of drugs, alcohol, and writing on wrestling websites... tell me... what would YOU do to the floozy who took your Daddy and destroyed your lives? Make dumb statements and work a match with her?)
-Steph told Trish that the next spanking she get will be Steph's hand against her little face!
-Steph, "it's no secret that you are a little B(bleep)ch (kettle, pot, black)... but tonight, in this very ring (again, she was OFF TO THE SIDE!!! ARRRGH IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!!), you're going to be MY B(bleep)ch!" (call me crazy, but they might just be shooting for their target audience here... that elusive horny male virgin 18-35 crowd)
-Trip H wrapped himself behind a sneering Steph... they looked like they were waiting for "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" to start playing... lighters at the ready.
-A limousine pulls up... my God, it's trying to RUN OVER THE POOR CAMERAMAN!!!! HIT THE BRAKES, YOU BASTARD!!!! THAT'S A HUMAN BEING, DAMMIT... A HUMAN BEING!!!
-The camera man falls down. We see the tire roll out of picture range... we hear a howl... blood pours...
-Bravely, the cameraman struggles and points to the door. Vince McMahon steps up... paying no heed to the wounded man. Instead, he tells someone, "mop this blood UP!" That son of a BITCH.
-The amazing thing is... no one EVER hurts the cameraguys on Nitro (wellexceptforajuicedupBagwell)... AND THEY STILL MISS SHOTS!!!!
-Ross and Lawler go into unnecessary hysterics (umm, no one is going to leave you for the "Pretender 2001", dude), before sending us off into some...
-commercials. Man, that Alyssa Milano is one horny looking bitch... can't act to save her life... but she looks like a jackhammer can't satisfy her.
-Michael Cole... that little WEASEL... can't WAIT to find Vince and tell him of the two matches booked a few minutes ago. Vince starts getting outraged... then chills out and says that he is the Boss... and that these matches MAY happen... and yet again, they may NOT!
-I just realized... in two weeks, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler will be the only two voices we hear on NB F-ing C for anywhere between 2-3 hours on Saturday night. I expect an invasion of Locusts (a "plague"... if you will) to assault us all any moment now
-The MAN... "Lord St... William Regal" comes out waving. You know... if there really is anyone out there who has any right to be called "God"... it's him. I'll explain why one day in an "AAT".
-His Lordship entered the ring as Lawler and Ross shilled the virtues of both "Weider Muscle Builder" and "M&M;"s (WOW... talk about contradictions). As well as Chef BoyArDee Overstuffed Italian Sausage, (and trust me... NO ONE stuffs their sausage like those Italian homos... I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean.)
-Regal enters the ring and says, "that dirty, foul, insignificant, miserable little specimen, Test... has been a thorn in my side!!" (Aha!! Now all that remains is finding out who's been a thorn in his rear area! Oh, take a wild f-ing GUESS)
-I like that sign that reads, "IVE BEEN BESMIRCHED"...
-Regal apologized to us, but he is so honked off... that he's gonna "make Test feel like he's been hacked up with a bloody hatchet!!" (oh dear... I thought we all agreed to FORGET about that "Man's Man" fiasco?)
-Test comes out. Actually, he runs out and starts swinging.
-Regal gets backdropped, clotheslined, besmirched on the Announce table, is allowed a few seconds of control, clotheslined again, bodyslammed, then hit with the Flying Elbowdrop. Then he was pinned. Test won the Euro belt. More importantly, I just recapped the entire match, ALMOST MOVE FOR MOVE!!!!!!
-excuse me, but now is the time where I register outrage and disbelief that Regal would job out so quickly... this will only take a moment...
-HOW DARE THEY JOB HIM OUT??? FOR CHRISSAKES, HE IS OVER WITH THE CROWD!!! HIS PUSH IS SUCCEEDING!!! EVEN FRIGGIN' AUSTIN SOLD FOR HIM!!!! COME ON VINCE!!! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?????
-thank you... too kind... too kind.
-Test wore a arm band on his LEG!! (haw... I kill me)... no, on his arm that read "MORLEY"... when did Morley Safer die and did Mike Wallace have anything to do with it?
-No, of course, Val Venis's Mother passed on. Since Val has never annoyed me while doing color commentary, I offer my sincere condolences AND wish Sean and his family (Sean Morley AKA Val Venis... not that freaky kid who keeps referring to himself as a female) my best wishes. (anyone know where Mike Wallace was at the time of her passing?)
-Backstage, Vince was reading an XFL article in a magazine... probably one of his own. HHH stormed in and DEMANDED to know what Vince was going to do about the SCREWING he took last night. Vince, "Look, I gave you the name of a discreet Doctor... what more do you want??") HHH raged some more. Vince calmly told him that everything was still "under advisement". You know... we don't WANT the calm Vince... we want the Vince who will stare HHH down and shout, "YOU WATCH YOUR TONE WITH ME, BOY!!!!" THAT'S who we want. The BOSS.
-Regal is doing his best to define the meaning of "besmirched" through body language. Basically, all you do is walk around looking as if you'd sell your own daughter to a pack of Gangsta Rappers for a hit of crack.
-The Acolytes storm out with Jacqueline. Thus ends the last time I use the verb "storm" in this week's recap. You'll have to read the Nitro recap top to bottom to see if I can pull it off. (BOOYAA!!! I CAN SELL SAND TO AN ARAB, BY GOD!!!)
-The Hardy Boyz came out with Lita. Jeff charged the ring first and mounted the turnbuckle with Matt playing catch up. I'm sure it meant nothing.
-Matt tried to start things off, but Jeff slapped his back and argued that HE wanted to start first. Ross called it a "blind tag"... (UNTRUE!! because since Matt did NOT touch his opponent, Jeff is not obligated to wait for a tag. The match has not quite begun and either hardy is allowed to enter the ring. It's an age old tradition... it is the LAW!!)
-Trust me... I've employed this tactic on MANY unsuspecting pillows during MY living room brawls.
-But I'm such a geek that one day, I held my own "David Von Erich Memorial" dealy-o... but being the F-ing moron that I was, I insisted on having it OUTSIDE in my backyard... in front of my neighbors... within two days, my entire High School knew that I spent my Saturdays wrestling with pillows. YOU TRY GETTING LAID WITH THAT OVER YOUR HEAD!!! EVEN THE HOMOS WOULDN'T TOUCH ME!!!!
-All of the above story is true, by the way... it really happened.
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Bradshaw took either Hardy and started swinging. He don't care.
-BIG sign that read, "WRESTLING IS REAL" (no it ain't)
-Jeff dove off the ropes. Bradshaw caught him. Ross called it a "fair catch", then swiftly turned it into a plug, "you won't see any fair catches in the XFL, there are none!"
-Jeff was trounced on... Matt made a brief save and they tried to do that footstool/running leg in the corner thing... but Bradshaw broke it up. The Hardyz argued. Farooq clotheslined Matt from behind. I love that move...
-The Hardyz tried... but they really couldn't get it together... after some more miscues and such, the Acolytes won. The Hardyz started to argue vehemently. Frook and Bradshaw went under the ring, pulled out a large rectangle of glass, held it up and said, "Why don't you boys just get this over with?"
-Okay, the break-up is coming... we are just a week or so away from Jeff becoming the REAL HB2K and calling himself "The Scene Stealer"... and Matt showing up on Nitro with a finisher called, "The Scene Stealer". One of these boys is heading for obscurity, the other is heading for a push to the moon! PLACE YER BETS!!!!
-HHH and Steph have another segment.
-Win a WWF contest and you get to co-host a "WWF Fanatik" episode with Mick Foley. Oh... how funny would it be if I register Bob Ryder... and he WON? Imagine THAT show!! HAW!!!!
-we see an outside shot of the "Cajundome"... that may be the silliest name ever given to an arena.
-Vince and Steph were in a scene. Steph has the gall to claim that Vince was "dressing hipper" (Hon, I hate to tell you... but the "Burt Reynold's circa 1975" look was NEVER "hip")
-The man dresses like Sinatra during his second comeback, (he's had three... The "Rat Pack" years... the "Old Blue Eyes Is Back" years... and the "Bono" years... collect them ALL!)
-Ross and Lawler eat up time. Ross explains to those who fell asleep during the Rumble (Howdy!) that they dragged the Big Show out of Ohio for last night, and the Rock paid dearly for it! Lawler asked if we gonna hear from the Rock. Ross said yes, Lawler got all excite4d, "ALL RIGHT!! LET'S HEAR FROM THE ROCK!!!" Ross got miffed and snapped, "BUT FIRST... we want to show the return of the Big Show!!" Lawler tried to recoup, but he was obviously embarrassed. We don't get many miscues from these boys, kids... I hope that VCR was running! Actually... I pray to God that it wasn't. ARE YOU SUCH A LOSER THAT YOU WOULD TAPE A FLUB BETWEEN ROSS AND LAWLER??? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE???? HUH???? HUH????
-We see the return of the Big Show... who chokeslams everyone... including the Rock, who went through the announce table. Which means that they have booked these two into the same... excuse me... the SAME EXACT PROGRAM THAT THEY HAD LAST YEAR!!!!!!
-Earlier today... Michael Cole had a sit down with the Rock. The Rock said that he went into the Rumble ready to win. (wow... there's a strategy)... but he didn't. (Damn that MLK... why couldn't he have been born just 7 DAYS LATER???????)
-The Rock called Michael Cole a "roody poo, In Sync wannabe"... then demanded that Cole entertain him with a little "Bye Bye Bye". Cole laughed nervously. Rock scowled. Cole stopped laughing. Hey, if I could get into a hotel room with Britney Spears for 8 days, I'd sing the song with my face buried up Cole's ass... Hell, I'd do it if I could get into a Hotel room for 8 days with RANDY Spears!!! (being caught outside fighting with pillows was the biggest F-ing mistake of my LIFE... there has GOT to be a way to blame my mother for this)
-The Rock also showed that he is slowly getting tired of Austin's. Ain't we all? We didn't need to see him win ANOTHER Rumble. We really didn't.
-Jericho is out back... walking... but casually nursing his shoulder. Looks like head writer Stephanie's been reading the book, "Scriptwriting Made Easy" and just reached the chapter: "FORESHADOWING: YOUR PLAYFUL LITTLE FRIEND!"
-clips of Jericho/Benoit/Ladder. I DID see this one. It was good, but it didn't have the pace of some of the classics.
-HHH is in the parking lot...WAITING!!! (I hear it's the hardest part... just don't let it kill you, babe... don't let it get to you)
-Benoit comes out. Hey! He was proved wrong!
-The Big Show makes his RAW return!! I have to admit... I missed that song. It's a good song.
-He's lost WEIGHT??? WHERE???
-Man, it's reported somewhere that this guy applauded the WWF for "giving a spoiled brat like me a chance to redeem and prove myself"... or words to that effect... that is a boy who is looking to KEEP HIS JOB! That is some major league GROVELING!!
-Hey Vince... if it doesn't work out with the big guy... cut him some slack, cut your losses, and let him go back to WCW. Give the poor guy a break and send him home to Uncle Eric.
-well okay... he looks a LITTLE trimmed down... but basically, he looks the same.
-TBS hopped over the top ropes and touched fists with Benoit.
-Jericho came out. He's the new Inter-Continental champ. Benoit pointed at Jericho and started to bitch at the Ref about the unfairness of it all. I SWEAR I heard the Ref say, "Ah, quit your whining, ya Canadian buttmunch!"
-The second hour arrives A FULL TEN MINUTES EARLY!!!!! Boy, this gamble of putting "Survivor" on Thursday night is making EVERYONE change things around.
-The Rock came out. He barely acknowledged the existence of Jericho.
-Benoit and Jericho started off... lots of bouncing off the ropes... Jericho bounced one too many times and ate a Big Showsline from behind. TBS was tagged and gorilla dropped Jericho on his gourd.
-Ross, who has obviously taken an active interest in TBS's WWF career, went the DOUBLE blasphemous route with "Look at the strength... good lord, GOOD Lord... OH my GOD!"
-Benoit came in. Jericho scored with an enziguri (damn these whacky jap words)... tag to the Rock.
-Samoan drop on the Rabid Wolverine... luckily, his healing factor kicked in
-Rock was on a tear, scoring a fast punch on the Show, knocking him down on the apron.
-Benoit with a MONSTER German Suplex
-TBS got involved outside... Jericho dove at him and shoulder tackled him... TBS staggered, but stayed on his feet. He bragged Jericho by the throat and chokeslammed him on the unforgiving concrete mat. Jericho gripped his shoulder and stayed there. A few minutes later, he was helped out of there.
-Umm... jeeze... I hate to say this but... The Big Show does NOT look good... his face is all red... and he's wheezing.
-So, it's a handicapped match. As if he didn't have enough pressure in his life, Rocky now found himself fighting for CRIPPLED CHILDREN AND MENTALLY RETARDED PEOPLE ACROSS THE WORLD!!!! (Dammit... he's only human... he can't SHOULDER all this!!!!)
-Doubleteaming galore... did TBS always have the shoulder tattoo?
-BIG sign that read "BRING BACK WAYLON MERCY"... for God's sakes... WHY???
-Rocky fought and fought... but Benoit hit the Belly to Back Suplex Hat Trick
-Benoit flew off the top rope... he hit the headshot.
-That sonbitch Rocky kept kicking out.
-TBS was tagged and wheezed his way into a pin attempt.
-Chokelsam attempt yielded nothing.
-FLYING forearm smash by Rocky.
-TBS staggered to his feet... reached out for a tag... there was no one there. He mouthed, "Oh that little shit!"... then noticed that Benoit was at the other corner.
-Rocky fought off Benoit, and knocked the Show off the mat. Spinebuster on Benoit. Pin. TBS dragged him out of the ring. Rocky hit TBS a couple of times, then grabbed the ring bell and clocked him with it. TBS went down hard... and down he stayed.
-He got back into the ring and walked right into a Crossface. Rocky was able to grab the ropes. You have no idea how many typos were in this one mark alone.
-Benoit was thrown out of the ring. Jericho limped out... even though his SHOULDER was the thing that was supposed to be injured. (maybe Pat kicked him in the nuts? "If I can't have you, NO ONE CAN!!")
-Jericho throws Benoit into the steel steps... then fell down in a lump.
-The Rock hit the Rock Bottom and pinned Benoit. TBS recovered and grabbed Rocky as he jumped off the second corner. Chokeslam.
-Jericho tried to avenge the cheap shot. He was chokeslammed.
-Benoit got in Show's face for not justifying his overblown salary after more than two years with the company. (Yeah!! You tell him, Benoit!!!!) HE was chokeslammed!!
-Hmm... who was it that advised them to turn the Show into a chokeslamming Monster?? Who?? WHO???
-well... ME... DUUH... who the F**K else would I be talking about?
-If TBS is forced to tap to a Crossface... I'll buy the bullet for his gun.
-footage of what just happened... which was one HELL of a match, by the way
-Kurt grabbed Trish Stratus and bitched about Vince. Trish said that she'll go "talk" to him... heh heh heh... ho ho ho... hee hee hee if ya' know what I mean... bwah ha ha... she's gonna make that vag open and close like a little hand puppet... yeah.. ye.. Oh man.. why did I have to go and be like that? Jesus... I am such a loser
-Ross and Lawler take it down a few notches and get all serious. It was time to discuss Chyna's re-injury.
-We see Rumble footage where Chyna's nutty little hand flip thing caused some whiplash. Lawler said that when he went to check her out, she couldn't talk... all she could do was move her eyes! (yes, but she can STILL live a LONG AND FRUITFUL LIFE!! REMEMBER THAT!!!)
-dudes... between you and me... if you ever get so messed up that you're a total vegetable... man... if you can actually go on without finding some way to pull the plug... you are a WAY better person than me. I'd blink my ass off and BEG someone to dump me in a lake or something.
-The Right To Censor come out... well, Ivory and Stephen Richards. Ivory was in rough shape.
-Ivory got on the stick and held up Chyna's knew book "If They Only Knew..." (Bruce Mitchell from the Torch always adds ..."that I'm a Man"... which just proves that Bruce really should stick with those great "In Depth" essays and drop the comedy. That bitch ain't funny... he thinks he is... but it isn't happening)
-Ivory said that last night was a "victory for women everywhere!" (what? Someone turn down Fred Durst? Tommie Lee finally got castrated? They cloned Brad Pitt a million times over?)
-No, the victory was due to her putting Chyna in her PLACE... FINALLY!!
-Ivory took Chyna's book... and sold the living CRAP out of it!! Moaning about how the chapter that was NOT in the book was the chapter about HER... Ivory... the "Tenth Wonder of the World"! (I am the 1790900th Wonder of the World... that Dame Edna dude is breathing right down my neck, though)
-Ivory promised that all this was "for Chyna's own good!"
-out comes Crash and Molly Holly. Molly had the mic and asked Ivory, "Aren't you tired of hearing yourself talk? Righttocensorrighttocensorrighttocensor!!" (Oh jeeze... IT'S KURT ANGLE'S PROMO FROM EARLIER!!!! WHERE IS THE CREATIVE SPARK??? WHERE IS RUSSO!!!! BRING BACK RUSSO, VINCE!!!! BRING BACK THE ATTITUDE!!!!)
-Molly promised to do everyone a favor and "shut your weaselly little mouth!" (well... if she REALLY wanted to do me a favor... well... it involves the mouth too)
-whew... pretty rank, Hyatte... lame-o city
-Suddenly, I'm Mitchell's bitch
-Molly charged and it was on.
-Am I crazy or are the designs on Molly's pants just Captain Kirk's Starfleet logo enlarged and turned upside down?
-Richards interfered and helped Ivory with the quick win. Come to think of it... has there ever been a chick match that WASN'T quick?
-Ross, "The WWF NEEDS a woman to finally shut up Ivory's pie hole but GOOD!!!"
-Lawler, "Well Ross, thank GOD the WWF and MTV are running a "Tough Enough" Real World/Survivor/Road Rules/The Mole/Temptation Island/Big Brother contest to FIND that lucky candidate!"
-which segued brilliantly into various video clips of rubes who think they have what it takes.
-speaking of brilliant segues... MTV recently ran a horrible movie with horrible actors that seriously looked at the hate crime in... Montana? Wyoming? One of the Dakotas? where a gay kid was killed. Okay, the intention was admiral... and for god sakes, leave the homos alone... they don't bother YOU. And if they DO bother you... be flattered. Jesus, your ass smells... it's hairy... and probably covered with brown flecks... if this excites someone, you have SEX APPEAL!!
-The thing is... after the movie, they did NOTHING but put up messages on the screen and had voiceovers read them. For SIXTEEN HOURS we got Kurt Loder and company reading these news items of other hate crimes form the last few years. SIXTEEN HOURS of this...
-which totally desensitized ANY outrage the public might have had towards this. I only lasted about 5 minutes before *I* wanted to beat someone up.
-another thing about MTV... John Norris has the gayest hairstyles... there's something wrong with this guy... he's trying TOO hard to look "cool".
-Speaking of smelly, hairy, brown flecked asses... Rikishi gave us an eyeful of his. He's about to mess with Kane.
-Hunter is still waiting with a hammer. Boy, the asshole who thinks he's gonna sell HHH back those "photos" and extort a couple'a grand out of the boy is in for a BIG surprise tonight.
-Trish makes sure his boobs didn't fall off... then walked into Vince's dressing room.
-Rikishi comes out... visibly pissed that everyone insists on calling him "RAkishi"
-Kane stor... WALKS out (HA!! thought ya' caught me.. DIDN'T YA???). He wastes little time.
-Kane slugs 'ishi around. 'ishi catches him with a BEASTLY thrust kick.
-Kane eats some ass. He slumps into the corner.
-Shiki sets up... runs towards Kane. Kane puts up the boot.
-Rikishi gets chokeslammed. Kane goes for the pin.
-Camera cuts to the ramp... where MEn.. HAKU... RUNS OUT!!! (he still King Haku?)
-BUT... and I will put my hand on a stack of Bibles with this... Haku ran and ran down... he reached the mat... he was INCHES from the ring... then he... JERKED FORWARD... I watched the rewind... his foot SNAGGED on something... momentum began to shove his body forward... HE WAS ABOUT TO TRIP AND WIPE OUT TOTALLY IN FRONT OF MILLIONS!!! IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN!!!
-BOOM... camera went back to Kane. DAMMIT!!! The FUNNIEST moment IN SHOW HISTORY and we lost it!!!!! F*&%
-Anyways... the bell rang. Kane and Haku (gesundheit) punched away. The Afro went every which way.
-Ross called Haku and "animal"... rat jap okie racist PRICK
-The Undertaker showed up and helped his brother. Both Samoans were disposed of. UT left. Kane watched.
-But... WHEN DOES HAKU GET TO THROW THE WCW HARDCORE BELT IN THE TRASH????
-anyway... Haku is a perfect utility guy. A great card filler. He just wants a steady paycheck. This was a smart purchase. He'll win a few matches, lose a few and give the fans a thrill with that funky hair (and you KNOW the WWF loves that thing). Great investment.
-The Dudleys are in the building. Buh Buh has his tag belt around his neck. How very rock and roll.
-footage of what just happened.
-Rikishi challenged Kevin Kelly to a match at "Smackdown". What the frick did Kevin do?
-Trish was in Vince's dressing room... enjoying... something.
-Ross and Lawler plug Drew Carrey's PPV on Saturday night. We also see highlights from Carrey's brief cameo during the Rumble. Why do all celebs eventually end up doing something with Kane anyway?
-I don't watch the Drew Carrey show... I rarely watch his Improv show (although it's quite good)... but I saw Drew make his debut on "The Tonight Show" (which is NOW called the "Jay Leno Show"... I DON'T CARE WHAT NBC SAYS!!!!) I don't remember the routine he did, except for a bit about a drive-in liquor store... all I remember was that Carson invited Carrey to sit on the couch after his big shot. Something Carson RARELY did.
-Lo Down came out. (AFTER 10:30???? WHAT THE???)
-Tiger Ali Sing sits with the Announcers as The Dudley's come out. Lo Down attack while their backs were turned.
-I justify the fast forwarding of this match in two ways... 1: Word has it that D-Lo is on his way to WCW sooner rather than later and 2: Repeat the following: "WWF Tag team Champions: Low Down". Now do it without muttering "You gotta be f-ing kidding me". My point exactly.
-The Dudley's were DQed and Tiger went through a table.
-backstage, Trish left Vince's room all sweaty and glistening. You know, I think I would do her.
-Michael Cole was at Vince's dressing room. He announces that Vince must have ordered Tuna fish for lunch.
-Al Snow challenged raven for the Hardcore title. NOW was the time for Haku to pop out and raise hell.
-The fought under the ramp, and did a bit where an exploding pyro up top went off and f-ed both men AND the ref up.
-Both men recovered and the fight did what all these fights do... spilled backstage...
-after assorted bits of violence... it went outside... Snow hit Raven a few times with a large pole like stick (some call it a pole... others call it a stick) and pinned him.
-BUT... a female NINJA!!!! showed up and whacked Snow from behind!! She rolled raven on top of him and Raven regained the belt just like that! She then pulled Raven into a car and sped off!! I'm thinking... TORI!!! Maybe TORI WILSON!!!
-Cole finally found Vinnie Mac... the two matches shall be melded into ONE. It'll be a MIXED TAG. Ross was SHOCKED ("WHAAAT??"). Any of you idiots wanna admit that you were too? You better not. This was pretty obvious from the get-go.
-Stephanie grabs Hunter and tells her that he gets NO title shot tonight, but he might get to sniff Trish's vag again! Hunter's so happy he hits an overhead door with his hammer and says, "LET'S SUIT UP!!!!"
-K Kwick and Too Cool get WWF New York hosting duties. K Kwick implores the crowd to "get rowdy with those tips!"
-Kurt Angle comes out with Trish.
-HHH and Steph comes out. Ross promises us NO MORE COMMERCIALS FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!! (well, it's 11:55, you ASS!!!)
-HHH poses... Angle and Trish discuss strategy outside. HHH hits Kurt with a baseball slide and it's ON!
-HHH bounces Angle around some. Kurt rallies with a few punches. HHH gets to work on Kurt's leg. He stays on it. Kicking it whenever Kurt gets some sort of offense going.
-Trish is tagged in. She launches herself into Hunter. Hunter catches her. Angle dropkicks her back. HHH goes down. Trish gets right up. Silly bitch... SELL THE THING A LITTLE!!!
-Stephanie comes in. Kurt grabs her and throws her down... then felt guilty about it. (Pussy)
-All you need to know here is that HHH owned Angle's ass the whole way. And that Steph and Trish got it on for a respectable amount of time. After rolling around with each other a bit, Trish hit the bulldog on the Princess. HHH had enough of punking Angle and gave Trish the Pedigree. He rolled Steph on the girl and Steph wins again. She always wins. If she was in WCW, her name would be "Hulk Goldberg".
-Angle threatened to go at it some more with HHH. HHH was ready!!
-Austin ran out and attacked from behind. HHH got the stunner. We got the music. Austin got some beer. Ross went nuts. The show ended.
Much like that Bon Jovi song... It's ALL the same... but not even the NAMES have changed.
Let's see what Nitro is up to before I make my final decision and decide which show gets the favored nod of the King.
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