Mop-Up Nitro 01.29.01
And then... like a bullet... it hit me.
Rikki Rachtman might return.
I sobbed for hours.
NITRO (or: Man O Man.. the Dream sure remembers how to cut a PROMO!)
-opens with the END to Dark City... which begs the question... "How did a major league HOTTIE like Jennifer Connelly end up in a flick where she has to share a dildo with another girl?" (not THIS flick... another one) ... oh, right... it's THE CRAFT!!!!
-WCW Logo. No out-clauses here... I'm stuck on this show for LIFE!
-brand new, Eric-Friendly opening theme. ALL traces of Sting have been cut! DEAR GOD!!! HE'S RAVEN'S MYSTERIOUS PARTNER!!!! AND HE'S GROWN TITS!!!!
-Tony Schiavone welcomes us to the show... in BALTIMORE!! HOME OF THE SUPERBOWL FELONS, THE BALTIMORE RAVENS!!!!
-You KNOW it's a whacked season when GWB skips the obligatory phone call and instead, it's OJ that phones into the locker room!
-We see a BIG sign that reads, "FOLEY IS GOD!" Tony stops the hype and shouts, "YEAH, THAT'LL PUT BUTTS IN THE SEATS!! HO HOO"... then continues... damn him.
-Who's the fag with the purple boa and gloves?
-excuse me while I quickly zip through my memory and try to think of ANY dinkhead web guy who comes from Baltimore, or somewhere in the general vicinity... umm... nope... they're all from Ohio... F**K!!!!
-David Penzer gets us right to HOT AND FURIOUS ACTION!! With a (suretobe) LIGHTENING QUICK Cruiserweight match... a FOUR CORNER Cruiserweight match.
-"Prime Time" Felix Unger comes out... taking a second to look in the camera and scream "DAMMIT, OSCAR!!! PUT THE TOILET SEAT UP BEFORE YOU GO TO BED TONIGHT!!! UP, MOTHERFU**A!!!!)
-Leah Meow comes out with ... heh... Yang (PAH HAW HAW HAW... YANG!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA)
-Moore Shannon came out (Oh God, no more Shannon!). Followed by Jamie Knoble. I honestly haven't a clue who two of these clowns are. I just know the Brother, and the fruit with his hair streaked.
-uh oh... I think we'll get some FLYING!!!!!!
-It's "Tradition Bows" tonight as the Fourway is contorted into a deal where people get tagged in.
-In the time it took to type that sentence (and make the necessary edits so I don't look like a TOTAL retard), there were 22 HUGE moves in the match
-In the time it took to type THAT sentence (and make the necessary blah blah blah) there were 18 MONSTER moves.
-In the blah that it blah to type blah (and blah) there were 8 KILLER MOVES
-blah, blah (blah) blah... 3 blahs
-With all four outside, Yang (heh) did a BIG Moonsault Pirouette and landed right into the Knoble guy. I think the fans screamed, "YOU F**KED UP"... Tony ignored it. So did the censors... so I might have been wrong.
-Shannon powerbombed Flippy... then waved his arm to the crowd and screamed. I've never seen this before, the crowd... in UNISON... STUFFED their hands under their tushys and openly YAWNED!! I... I... I thought Moore would start sobbing right there and then.
-Instead, he mounted the top rope. Yang (haw) jumped up... knocked the kid with a solid right cross... then TOOK THE KID'S HANDS AND HELPED HIM DUMP HIMSELF RIGHT ON SKIPPER!!!! (come ON... are you friends... are you enemies... CHOOSE A PATH!!!)
-Flicker tried an Undertaker-like walk across the top rope. He was pushed off... he sailed to the ground. Hudson demanded a Priest to administer Last Rites (well, he's Canadian... so the Priest would just pee on him and scream, "OFF TO HELL WITH YE! PAGAN!!!)
-Shannon got off a Top Rope "Showstopper" (change that name, hombre... QUICK!!!) and won. The crowd screamed, "WE WANT SHANNON, WE WANT SHANNON" Then realized the implications and corrected themselves, "WE WANT MOORE, WE WANT MOORE!!!" (because apparently, some people take this crap too literally)
-so, I posed this question last week... on another show... I'll pose it again... which member of 3cuont (oh DAMN this dyslexia) is getting his head driven through sheet glass?
-The NBA All Star Weekend is on it's way to TBS... I have this prediction... at some point during either the game or the Shootout, OR the Dunk contest... we will see Shaq and Kobe display HUGE showings of friendship, teamwork, and unity! Either that, or they won't even acknowledge each other's existence. How's THAT for decisive opinionating?
-Ric Flair comes out. Tony declared that WCW is "Flair Country" (that's because the Baltimore PD kept the BLACK MAN from voting for Gore!!!!!)
-Animal was with the Nature Boy. That's a big bastard.
-Hudson announced that "The World Changed on Sin Sunday!!" (BUT... if we changed with the world... then how can ANYONE be cognizant of any changes? Logic dictates that any changing effects of the time line causes the line to branch off into a NEW, ALTERNATIVE, history which we must follow! Our entire memories must be re-structured to accommodate the new line! WHAT DOES HUDSON KNOW??? HOW IS HE THE DEVIANT??? DID HITLER END UP WINNING THE PLANET??????? DEAR GOD!!!! DEAR GOD NO!!!!
-Flair hopped on the mic and started right away on Baltimore and Ray Lewis. He said that he's gotten away with a LOT more murders then Lewis EVER did (oh Ric... sometimes, it's smart NOT to brag).
-Flair called the Ravens "the luckiest franchise in NFL history"...
-He said that if he had the money (honey), he's buy this one horse team and throw it out of the league! (and STRAIGHT to the XFL... where it would probably fit in VERY nicely... Oh Vince, what are you DOING?)
-Flair got onto business... Dubya See Dubya business... He told the Cat, who wasn't there... that he has a "mile long list of opponents" all waiting to beat him and take the Commissionership (suddenly, it's a title!!! Suddenly, it's officially ranked higher than the European title!)
-moving on, Flair said that Nash SUCKS!!! (oh that nasty HEEL!) and he and Page showed up on last week's Thunder "half in the bag". (that's no way to talk about Kimberly!)
-He said that this is FLAIR'S WCW and this kind of conduct will NOT be tolerated. (yeah, we'll see)
-Flair had FOOTAGE from Thunder footage showing the Insiders LAID OUT!!! DRUNKENLY PASSED OUT IN THE GUTTER/LOCKE ROOM!!! TABLES OVERTURNED!!! THINGS IN GENERAL DISARRAY!!! DEAR GOD!!!! HAS THE FIRING OF ROAD DOGG BEEN FOR NOTHING??? NOTHING?????
-Hudson and Tony scream, "THEY AREN'T DRUNK!!! IT WAS AN AMBUSH!!!" Blasted ENABLERS!!! THIS DOES NOT HELP THEM!!!! NOT AT ALL!!!
-back to Flair. He said that Nash will get ONE MORE shot to qualify for a shot at Scott Steiner at "SUPERBRAWL: REVENGE". He has to go through BOTH Lex Luger AND Buff Bagwell!!! "and Nash... try to do it SOBER!!!" (here HE... then again, Scott Hall was awfully damn entertaining when he was "working" the drunk gimmick! I loved it when he's step into the ring, then step out after his opponent did the same... then hold his belly and guffaw. Then he'd puke on Bischoff)
-Mucho Sexy was seen... WATCHING... then he was seen TRASHING the monitor! (Hmm, later, The Big Show was seen doing the same thing... it must be contagious)
-meanwhile, Flair held up a contract and announced that TONIGHT, he will bring aboard a brand new "Major Player" that will surely set the rasslin' world ON FIRE!!! (and his name is JASON "Don't call me Dwayne" HERVEY!!!!! For ALL our sakes, Lash Lerioux had best shave off those "J" sideburns before the night's end)
-Flair wrapped up by saying to someone, "and you boy, yo' Momma's gonna be going 'WHOOO, STOP NATURE BOY, STOP!!!'". (alas... he was talking to Dillenger... who's pushing 60 himself!)
-well, at least he didn't insult us by announcing that WCW is the "number one wrestling organization in the world today".
-Tony and Hudsy were dutifully outraged... NEVER has WCW been in such dire straights then NOW!!!!!
-commercials. Guess what sentence was used to plug Superbrawl: Revenge... which SAME EXACT SENTENCE that has been tossed into the last 8 PPV's... come onnn... take a wild, friggin' swing.
-The Announcers sum up what just happened.
-Then we got to see it again!
-BUT... Sherlock Schiavone claimed to have used the 120 seconds they were away to conduct some EXHAUSTIVE research and find out what REALLY happened!!
-Aha!! Steiner, Animal, and Totally Buff were seen leaving the Insider's dressing room JUST BEFORE they trashed the place worse then Johnny Depp after a tiff with Wynona (ooph, C-Hy is REACHING!!)
-so they WEREN'T drunk!!! They were ATTACKED!!! Well ain't I the fool!
-Nash STILL has to fight Lex and Buff tonight... which is basically the same thing as OJ living the high life even though his DNA was EVERYWHERE! (When did WCW hire Chris Darden, anyway?)
-backstage, Jarrett DEMANDS a match with DDP to Flair. Flair told him to keep his pants on until Superbrawl! Jarrett, "But I'm horny NOWWWWWW!!"
-Elsewhere, as Shannon Moore ZOOMS to the top of the cruiserweight heap, his erstwhile partner gets to take a beating from Scott Steiner after trying to cadge some titty action from Midajah. I guess we know who's the new Jannetty.
-After Steiner tunes the guy up, Midajah ragged on him... and spat on him too. FIRE HER, FIRE HER FAT ASS!!!! OH GOD, IS SHE ANNOYING!!!
-Ernest Miller was NOT sitting home... he was IN THE BUILDING. (must'a showed up late)
-The girl was with him too. I've yet to hear a decent explanation as to why we should cheer her.
-Miller cut a promo on Flair. Nobody, but NOBODY has the skills to dial a phone and converse with his "momma" while Miller whups his ass. (Well... DU-UH)
-Miller called out ANYONE to try to take his authoritah away, but also added that IF this person gets or brings assistance... the match will end abruptly and someone will eat a 30 day suspension! (PAL!!!!!)
-ahh... see!!! Miller turns the tables and suddenly, FLAIR is against the wall!!! QUICK!!! SOMEONE CALL MILLER THE "CEREBRAL ASSASSIN" BEFORE IT CAN SETTLE ONTO HUNTER!!!!!
-Shawn Stasiak and Mark Jindrak come out TOGETHER!!! Stasiak has a MICROPHONE!! (Wow!! In full view? There's a change of pace for him!)
-Before the Announcers can indicate that the arrival of TWO men went against everyone Miller carefully explained, Miller stopped the music and announced that the arrival of TWO men went against everyone he just carefully explained! (never any respect for the brother!)
-Stasiak got on the mic, waited for Miller to call Jindrak, "Beetlejuice" (although he looks like neither Michael Keaton OR that strange fellow with the small noggin') and said that he needs NO help in beating Miller...but he has Jindrak there so he can book them against the tag champs IMMEDIATELY following his victory AND Commissionership... then he sucker punched Miller and the match got going.
-It would not shock me if Stasiak won... because he was so famously fired by the WWF it would be WCW's way of saying that EVERYONE gets an opportunity in WCW... EVERYONE.
-Of course, WCW being so desperate... they look bad because Stasiak has YET to exhibit ANY signs of getting heat... and it'll be just another sign of playing dumb favorites while true heat seekers remain mired in... was this mole on my hand here yesterday? OhmyGod... SKIN CANCER?????? OH PLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASENO!!!!!
-oh, just a smudge of chewing tobaccee... false alarm.. why are my gums bleeding?
-meanwhile, the match was better than it had any right to be. There was one funny moment where Miller motioned to the fans to support him while he does his version of the "Hulk-Up"... which the fans universally IGNORED (heh... I love backfires like that)
-Stasiak missed a flying elbow... then got up and ate a Feliner. Miller kept his authoritah. MUCH to Flair's rage!
-Luger... Buff... Nash... LATER!!!!
-A-Hole was attacked by a RAMPAGING Hugh Morrus for NO REASON!!! (Yeah, like A-WALL has the stroke to kill that dumb Misfits gimmick. DON'T BLAME A-WALL, HUGH... BLAME YOURSELF!!!)
-Hugh put Wall THROUGH a door... through Lance Storm's door... Storm stuck his head out and muttered, "Oh F**K, not THIS guy again!"
-Mike Sanders explained to Crowbar that he BETTER beat Lance Storm or he will NEVER get into Flair's crew!!! (Wouldn't Storm himself be the better prospect?)
-EARLIER today... DDP arrived at a book signing for his book (outaYEARnow). DDP had to stop signing inn order to break up a fight between two MANIC fans. One fan dropped right to the ground as soon as Page got close and screamed for a Lawyer. Amazing, in one fell swoop that started a lawsuit angle AND tried to get Page over as bigger than Elvis.
-back to LIVE... a HUMVEE pulled up. HOGAN??? GOLDBERG??? STING???? THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ??? THE VERY-PREDICTABLE MACHINATIONS OF ERIC BISCHOFF????
-We'll soon find out, after these...
-Nothing says rasslin' than Anne Murray (who?). Buy her greatest hits package TODAY!! (name one hit)
-backstage, Chavo bitched at Lex and Buff about how the Wall was taken out and DAMMIT, HE NEEDS A MATCH TONIGHT (most people would be THRILLED to get an easy night off... normal people... then again, most people don't cover themselves with body gleem and prance around half naked in front of other men... unless I am REALLY missing something in life)
-Jeff Jarrett calls Gene Okerlund "Jurassic Slapass" and says, "Screw Flair, I want Page TONIGHT and I'm getting him TONIGHT!!" I recapped this interview without EVER taking it off pause. Now I will Fast Forward through it. THAT'S how confident I am that I nailed it. If you made it this far, you are allowed to correct me if I totally missed the text of the segment.
-The Filthy Animals came out withOUT Konan (God is SMILING). Rey had his horns (so is Satan).
-Something weird happened... Tony saw fit to give us a geographical lesson... saying that Rey Jr. is a STAR in Mexico and Latin America... going as far South as Guatemala, and NOT Nicaragua... as most people know!.. (WH... WHA... WHAT THE FU** IS HE BABBLING ABOUT??? WHO WOULD KNOW THIS??? OTHER THAN DRUG DEALERS???)
-I think he just corrected (and thus, humiliated) Hudson on-air... it would not surprise me... nor would it surprise me if these two guys started throwing fists one day on air.
-Chavo came out. (A HANDICAPPED MATCH??? GOOD GOD!!! CHAVO'S GONNA GET KILLED!!!)
-Oh... no... "Iron Man" came on. RUSSO IS CHAVO'S PARTNER!!! RUSSO IS BACK, AND THE WWF IS IN DEEP SHIT!!!!!
-I'm sorry... I have a sneaky suspicion that just about EVERY small change recapper used that line. I apologize for taking the easy route. Relax... they're still my bitches.
-Anyway... it's Road Warrior Animal. Now in a zippy little singlet to hide the flab.
-Well, it was a mix... it had everything. Chavo kicked it off with Rey and they went through some quicker-than-the-eye sequences.
-Following this, the Animals got to shine with some well honed double teaming.
-Then, Animal was tagged in. Rey and Kidman worked hard to sell the big guys slams and boots. He never looked better.
-Then we got a taste of suspense as the Animals worked together to take down the big man.
-THEN... Rey got cocky with a Hurracarana try and ended up Powerbombed.
-FINALLY... cocky heelishness from an arrogant Chavo who was tagged in, and casually covered the wasted Rey.
-Like I said... the match had it all.
-Flair was prepared for his new recruit.
-The Humvee's door opened. (I'll be PISSED if it's Rodman OR Malone)
-Ric Flair came out! He entered the ring and got to work as if he only had a scant few seconds before Raw came on.
-Tony... PLEADED with us, "STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE FANS!!!! WHOEVER FLAIR HAS IN STORE FOR US WILL COME OUT ANY MINUTE NOW!!! ANY SECOND NOW!!!!! NO... NO... DROP THE CLICKER!!!!! SWEEPING WINDS OF HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE ARE BLOWING OUR WAY!!! F-THE TIME!!! YOUR CLOCK IS 5 MINUTES FAST!!! NO... HE'S COMING!!! WAIT... WAIT!!!"
-Flair opened his mouth and announced that WCW is the "number one wrestling organization in the world today". (DAMN HIM!!! DAMN HIM ALL TO HELL!!!)
-Flair announced that the company IS #1 because they keep bringing in "mainstream talent and big, no, HUGE names"
-Hudson, "Tony, my pants are on FIRE!!"
-Tony, "Mine too, Scott!!! Hold ME!"
-Flair hyped it up... set it up... stretched it out... and brought out the LEGENDARY
-Dustin Rhodes!!! And there he IS!!! He was holding a sign that read "OJ HAD A POINT!" (oh come ON, Dustin... WHY??)
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Dustin enters the ring. Flair got on the mic and promised Dustin riches, success, effective gimmicks, and none of that gay crap!!! All he had to do was sign the dotted line!
-Dustin asked to see the contract. He thanked Flair for sending him the Jet. (but DAMN if Vinnie Testaverdi didn't eat the boy out of house and home! And rang about $500 pigs in phone bills "Vinnie, who do you know in Siberia?")
-Dustin thanked Ric for everything... and continued to check out the contract. (Hudson, "How much is it worth, Dustin? HOW MUCH DOES YOUR SOUL GO FOR??" creep... lines like that are best saved for douchebag recappers)
-Then Dustin asked Flair to pivot around... like he used to do. Flair paused, then did so.
-Dustin thanked him again... then said that he made Ric spin like that just to see if his boot will fit "where it belongs"!! (Well, the right nostril can handle it... but the left might be a slight stretch)
-Dustin REFUSED the contract... "not today, not tomorrow, not ANY day!!"
-Hudson noted the time and screamed, "GOOD NIGHT!!!" (ah, RAW is on! That was nice of Scott to remind us!)
-Flair closed in on Dustin and asked if Dustin REALLY thought he grew up enough to tell Ric Flair off.. "do you PAL!!" (wow... two shows... two contracts... two bosses using the word "Pal"... WHAT ARE THE ODDS??)
-Dustin, "Like Pops... before... I'll say it now. You stick that big nose in my face, I'll smack it off!"
-Flair told him that any hand laid on him will result in certain death! Dustin dropped the mic and grabbed him by the lapels.
-Flair warned him... Flair warned him... it grew tense... (and DAMN compelling)
-Then Flair said that someone backstage is about to make Dustin regret doing what he just did...
-Out comes Animal. (Umm... am I in a Michael J Fox movie?)
-Flair and Animal ATTACK Dustin!! NO... NO... THE MAN HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!!! THE MAN WAS GOLDUST, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!
-Dustin tried to fight back... but the 80's Revival Crew were too damn strong...
-SUDDENLY... music played!!!
-SUDDENLY (2)... DUSTY RHODES STEPPED OUT!!! MY GOD!!! I THINK HE ATE DAKOTA!!!!!
-Flair went after Dusty... Dustin fought Animal.
-By God... the Bionic Elbow!!!!!!!!!
-BY GOD!!! THE CRAZY HAND JIVE!!!! HE'S JUST A COMMON MAN, MUTHAFU**A!!!! WORKING HARD WIT HIS HANDS!!!!
-THE DREAM IS ALIVE!!! THE DREAM IS ALIVE!!!! JESUS H CRAP ON A POPSICLE STICK!!! THE DREAM IS ALIVE AND KICKING ASS IN THE NEW MILLENNIUM!!!!!!!!!!!
-BOOYAA, YA SONAFABITCHES!!!!!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!! IT'S SATURDAY EVENING!!!! IT'S 6:05!!! THE DREAM IS PREACHING!!!! EVERYTHING IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!
-WHERE'S THE CHRIST IS DAVID CROCKETT WHEN YOU NEED HIM??? WHERE THE CRAP IS JIM ROSS??? WHERE'S TULLY??? I REMEMBER TULLY!!! I CARE!!!!
-SOMEONE DIG UP DICK MURDOCH AND GET CAPTAIN REDNECK OUT THERE!!!!
-all right... SHUT UP... Dusty grabs a mic... LISTEN... SCHOOL'S IN SESSION. IT'S CUT-A-PROMO 101 AND PROFESSOR RHODES IS ABOUT TO SPEAK!!!!
-Flair kicked it off by doing his freak out thing.
-That's it Dream... Make 'em wait... make 'em HORNY!!!!
-Dream puts up a finger... I am harder than Richard Hatch at a Village People concert
-"This ain't... about me! For eight or nine months you've been... grabbing allllllll yo' friends and yo' bosom buddays... you've been HOLLLLDIN' back... other athletes! I've seen settin'... what'cha gonna do, fire me? I DON' EVEN WORK HERE!!!" (Flair gets nervous) "HEY HEY don' walk, don' walk, don' walk! Most of alllll...you've been side steppin'... Dustin Rhodes MOSTOFALLLLLL... you've been WISHIN' that you gonna be in charge LEMMETELLYOUSOMTHIN' THEM PEOPLE'S BUTTS... that you been kissin' THERE'S NEW OWNERS!! They ain't HEEERE no mo' you know what I'm sayin? THEY AIN'T GONNA BE HERE!! AndLEMMETELLYOUSOMETHIN'ELSE...Nature Boy... when you talk about... this bEEELDIN'...when you talk about... this REEEENG... yo'talkin' about... hallowed GROWWWWNDS you talkin' about... grownds... that I kicked yo' ass NIGHTAFTERNIGHTAFTERNIGHTAFTER NIGHT!!!"
-SHUT UP TONY!!!!!!!
"Yo talkin' 'bout... a NEW ERRRRA!...YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT... YOUNGSTAAS!!! YO' TALKING ABOUT... DEALIN' WITHTHE DEALER.. LEMME TELL YOU WHY..LEMME TELL YOU... YOU LISTEN TO THIS, AND TELL YO' FAMILY THIS...
FROM NOW OOON... FROM NOW OON... HELL'S COMING!! AND I'M COMIN'[ WITH IT, YOU KNOWWHUTI'MTALKIN'ABOUTBROTHER?? LEMME TELL YOU, LAST BUT NOT LEAST, ANIMAL!!! PUFFED UP!!! ANIMAL'S ALL PUFFED UP!! ANIMAL'S GOT ALL DAT OL'... PUFFED UP MUSCLE. WELL, YOU COME ON IN HERE YOUR GONNA FIND OUT THAT THIS OLD... FAT BOY FROM AUSTI TEXAS WILL KICK A LITTLE OF YO' BOOTY TOO!!! SO IF YOU WANNA FIGHT... HEY...YOU GUYS WANNA FIGHT... WELL, YOU GOT ONE COMING AND IT'S COMING TONIGHT!!!"
-Flair and Animal charge again. MORE, MORE, MORE OF THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!
-don't you DARE LAUGH!!! DON'T YOU... DARE!!! THIS IS OLD SCHOOL!!!! THIS IS WHAT MADE WCW POSSIBLE!!!!! THIS IS TWO HOURS ON THE FLAGSHIP!!! THIOS IS WHAT KEPT THE NORTHEAST FROM GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF VINNIE MAC AND THE HULKSTER!!!! HORSEMEN!!! LOD!!! CORNETTE!!! NIKITA!! IVAN!!!!!! PAUL JONES!! WINDHAM!!! OLE!!! ARN!!! TULLY!!! AND BY GOD!!! BY F-ING GOD!!! IT WAS THE DREAM!!! IT WAS THE DREAM!!!
-F-you markboys... F-you and your "Hell yeahs"... your "If Ya Smell"... your "Don' hate The Playa..." THE DREAM NEEDED NO CATCHPHRASES!! THE DREAM SIMPLY SAID "LET'S STOP... BSING THE PEOPLE!!!!" AND MATCHES WERE MADE!!!
-Here's a simple test. If YOUR favorite writer doesn't at least ACKNOWLEDGE the utter and absolute COOLNESS of this segment... he is NO fan of wrestling... he is a fan of his own CHARACTER!
-WOW... that was great.
-and now... I'm late.
-Team Canada came out. It's back to business.
-Storm had a mic and said, "If I can be serious for a minute..." (haw). Storm said that Team Canada is giving Flair their FULL SUPPORT. (yeah, but the Canada to America exchange ratio on support is ALL lopsided)
-Storm also promised a "full Canadian Wrestling Clinic" (He's gonna get screwed by Vince McMahon?)
-Crowbar charged out... and charged right into a full blown Canadian triple team. The Ref sent Awesome and Flex-all away.
-The sudden bleeding in my ears meant two things: A: Daffney was there and B: TIME TO FAST FORWARD!!!!!
-Storm won... and it was a LOOOONG match.
-Flair grabbed Storm backstage and told him he LIKED what he saw!!! Storm was happy!
-Jarrett showed up and told Flair that no matter WHAT... he's getting his hands on Dallas Page RIGHT HERE, TONIGHT!!!!! Flair tried to talk him out of it. Why didn't he just threaten to book Jarrett against Kimberly? That would shut him up!
-We are told that Scott Steiner, Booker T, and Buff Bagwell will guest on Charmed this week. I bet'cha ONE... if not ALL three guys got a shot at Milano.
-Jarrett hit the ring and called for DDP. I'm am quite sick of the term "Slapnuts"
-DDP came out... but first CHARGED through the seats!!! F-Booker... HE'S STILL THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP!!!!!
-DDP jumped the guardrail... and walked RIGHT into the arms of law enforcement Officials (Criminals call them "Cops"). Jarrett told the cops... I mean Law Enforcement Officials to arrest Page for ASSAULT!!!
-AHH... we see that the kid who fell down at DDP's book signing was actually a plant to lure Page into assault charges!!! UTTER BRIL... well, except for the fact that Page wouldn't be HAVING book signings after a full YEAR.
-Page was cuffed... and taken away. It took the Announcers a few seconds to realize that NASH IS ALL ALONE TONIGHT!!!! NASH IS ALLLLL ALOOOOONE!!!
-Moments ago... Page was loaded into the squad car as Flair & Jarrett gloated.
-Rick Steiner (you know, the dumb one) defeated Shane Douglas in a non-title match. Obviously, we've reached the "Burn Through This Mutha" point of the Mop-Up.
-Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell came out... in Raven jerseys. Is Lex going bottomless? Jesus, no!
-Bagwell said, "Let's hear it for the Baltimore RAVENS!!!" He heard it.
-Lex jumped in and reminded us that this is really Cleveland's team... and Baltimore was a city of absolute losers... and The Colts used to be here, but they jumped to Indianapolis where they steadily sucked for over 30 years... and this team was hijacked from Cleveland in the middle of the night... and Ray Lewis was a CRIMINAL and basically... the Raven's SUCK.
-Lex and Buff tore off their jerseys. Thank GOD... Lex had tights on.
-meanwhile, Coach Billy Thompson, a proud Brother, was at ringside (who?) and didn't care for what he heard... so he jumped over the guard rail and made his way towards the two boys.
-naturally... I threw my wallet at the TV screen. It was a reflex.
-Ooph... Coach Thompson packed what looked to be half a friggin' TIN of chaw in his bottom lip! I go through a can a day and even THAT makes me say, "Damn!"
-WCW Security took care of the Coach. Lex went to business and reminded us that Totally Buff took out and retired Goldberg... so what does ol' rickety knee Nash think he's gonna do? (umm... control the BOOK? SCRIPT HIS OWN WIN???)
-I guess we will see... right after these...
-Nash stomped out... pausing at ringside... waiting for his chance to strike!!
-Chance located... strike commenced... match began
-Buff was jammed in a post... Nash cornered Luger. Always the corner with this guy.
-Both men turned and posed... double clothesline
-Lex is tossed. Buff stays.
-Nash clotheslines Buff out... SNAKE EYES on Luger...
-Luger gets a Jack knife... but Buff took out the Ref at the same time.
-Nash pins Lex... but Buff stayed on top of the Ref... he looked out cold?
-a NEW Ref runs in... it's Alex Wright. He's out there to distract Nash and let Buff get him.
-Nach still cleans house. Buff gets Jackknifed. A fresh Ref is in... Wright pulls him out of the ring after two and hits him.
-Oh.. it's ERNEST MILLER!! Miller takes out Wright and makes the pin! Nash is BACK in the PPV main event!!
-Nash gets on the stick and says, "Hey YO!"... then dares Steiner to come on out and jam! F-It... there's a fews seconds left.
-Steiner's music... Tony told us to "hold the phone"... demanded it, in fact.
-As I was rushing to the other room to pick up my phone and await further intructions...
-The show ended.
Not even CLOSE!!! Not with that... that... SERMON!!! THE SERMON FROM THE DREAM!!!!!!
3 weeks now... all Nitro. Go figure.
With all the talk of Thursday night... and how Smackdown has to fight off Friends, Survivor, and a half naked Alyssa Milano... it serves to remind us that life only gets interesting during SWEEPS PERIOD! So, with the TV season firmly set in the middle of it's run for the year, I thought I'd go through each day and tell you what I watch, what YOU should watch, and what blows maggot balls... read on and marvel at just how much TV a loser like me actually watches!
-The Simpsons have lost a step, I must admit. It seems that every episode focuses on Homer... which isn't a bad thing, but I can't remember the last smartly written parody or spoof of anything relevant... other than that mad shot at manic-religious Christians when the spoofed "Davey and Goliath" and referenced blowing up an Abortion Center. When was the last time they focused on what a super brat Bart is? It's still a Hell of a show... but put Homer in the subplots once in a while.
-Malcolm in the Middle rules. I defy you to find a more realistic portrayal of parenting in a sitcom then on this show. I can't make it through one episode without laughing hard.
-The X-Files. It's still solid. I miss Duchovney's ironic drabness, but Gillian Anderson clearly enjoys the challenge of being a newly confirmed "believer"... and Rob Patrick's just happy to find steady work after getting little push off his Terminator role. Still good after 8 years.
-The Practice. I can take it or leave it... I usually take it. The fat chick gets too preachy with her "I am Fat, I am Woman, Accept Me" schtick... but the short guy who hates the Firm is always fun to watch.
-Other notes: You realize that all these shows are taped while The Sopranos and OZ is on, right? Who Wants To Be a Millionaire is best taken in small doses. Who gives a flying F**k about Nikki?
Boston Public. It's from David Kelly... so of course it's GOOD. You gotta love the teacher/student affair that is bound to explode huge in their faces... which is pretty much the ultimate Fantasy/Nightmare for pretty much EVERY male high school teacher out there. I also like Goober... the Vice Principal who is so feared, that he can shut down the rowdiest class with merely a glance.
Ally McBeal is a chick show, but with enough elements to make a REAL MAN like me enjoy it. All I do is fast forward through the last few minutes, which is usually shots of characters walking and pondering the day's events as that chick sings one of her dopey songs. Oh, and Calista Flockhart does NOTHING for me sexually. She looks like she's about to drop dead, quite frankly. Robert Downey Jr. is okay, but fire Anne Heche... NOW!! More Fish and more Biscuit kicking courtroom ass!
Other notes: Thanks to wrestling, I get a good excuse for missing Raymond and company. You think Tony Danza could have picked a better show to be a supporting player on? I tried Gideon's Crossing because I love Andre Braugher, but it's too damn talky and slow. F-The Third Watch.
-Oh, yeah... if you watch Leno over Letterman, you are a complete moron. Dave rules... you hear me? DAVE RULES!!! Leno is STILL sucking NBC's balls for giving him the show instead of Dave, it's pathetic.
-Let me tell you about Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. The season was trundling along, nice and easy... nothing remarkable... Spike falling in love with Buffy was inspired writing... I don't buy the two gay witch act for a second... it seems WAAAAY too forced... and Buffy's sister was this "key" that confused all of us. Oh, and speaking from someone who knows... NO ONE recovers from brain tumors that easy... but it was unsettling to see her Mother go through what MY Mother did on TV. Still, Buffy certainly wasn't kicking ass like it has been for the last three years...
Then, the last sentence of the last show... "That's the thing. Glory isn't a demon. She's a God."
-BOOM!!! BUFFY RULES ONCE AGAIN!!!!
-Angel is just as good as Buffy... and occasionally, better. Charisma Carpenter went for the Tiffany Thiessan hairstyle, and something went horribly WRONG.
-seriously, both shows are DEFINITELY SEE TV!!
-NYPD Blue. It's getting a little old, and I will be happy if they can go through a whole season without giving Dennis Franz an "acting challenge" of some sort... but the big black dude, Baldwin Jones is angry as hell and fun to watch... I still watch it. For acting students, Dennis Franz's Andy is probably the most complete, fully fleshed out character on TV today. Truly, Franz has created an entirely new person. Aw Hell... BRING BACK CARUSO!!!!!!!
-Other notes: Is there anything else on the TV? I have no problems with Frasier, but I don't watch it. F-everything else... why waste your time?
-The West Wing had me hooked since the first show, although it can get sometimes too sentimental. There was nothing cooler than watching President Bartlett take a take off on Dr. Laura Schellinger to school. Believe the hype, it's a good show.
-Law & Order. I watch it. Sometimes I like it, other times I fall asleep. I realize that it's the "classiest show on TV", but sometimes... it's so BORING.
other notes: I've burnt out on anything "Star Trek". I skip Dawson's Creek because Katie Holmes never looks very hot and that Pacey asshole deserves a full-out beating. Besides, what idiot would buy that these two guys spent the summer on a small boat and STILL didn't bang each other? Yeah, right. Like I'd watch Bette? I know I should watch Ed because of the Letterman connection, but it's not my bag. Does Charlie Sheen do anything OTHER than mumble on Spin City? Where's the guy that shakes? If you want, HBO Plus runs two Larry Sanders shows each Wednesday at 10. Hey Now! I refuse to watch Temptation Island because I've reached my quota of shows and by now, I usually have 1 and a half 8 hours video tapes crammed with shows that need watching.
-F**K FRIENDS!!! It's ruin it's course. Courtney Cox is 36 now, and she finally looks every last day of it. Jennifer Aniston is completely in love with herself. Matthew Perry is skinnier than Ally McBeal one year, then blows up and grows a new chin the next year... now he just looks odd. His teeth are too white, too. I've yet to make it through a single episode before flipping to Smackdown and staying awhile.
-BRING ON SURVIVOR!!!!! IT'S TIME TO TAKE NBC DOWN A FEW NOTCHES ON THURSDAY NIGHT!!
-So, Friends will go ten extra minutes, then highlights and live bits from Saturday Night Live will fill the rest of the 20 minutes. I'll deal with SNL on the Saturday segment.
-Actually, I get a kick out of Who's Line Is It Anyway. Fun stuff.
-If you watch Survivor you have GOT to try out CSI... I watched it on Fridays and got hooked in HARD. You probably didn't see it because it was on the party night... but give it a shot... I promise you... CSI is really a little funky show that jams! Plus, it uses the Who in their theme song!
-E.R. Am I crazy, or is there NO chemistry between Mark Green and that British chick? F-the show... it's over. It used to be good when it was one accident after the other moving in and characters worked their subplots in between... nowadays, where's lucky if two or three juicy patients are rolled in an episode. Anthony Edwards is leaving the show after next year, hopefully, they'll bring back Clooney for that last episode, have him take over the ER, then end the whole series with honors. It's had a good run, but now it's time to say bye.
-Other notes: Charmed is just plain ridiculous, and has some of the worst acting you've ever seen. Only homos and Rantsylvania forum posters named Jesse watch Will & Grace. Just Shoot Me lost it's bite too... must be related to David Spade's hairline
-Look, I have to go to work early on Saturday mornings... so I'm home Fridays... welcome to real life, kids.
-The Fugitive: Believe it or not, it's a pretty good show! It's real slick, often times imaginative, and well acted. Tim Daly sells the desperation extremely well.
-Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: It can be great at times, other times it stinks. Still, credit must be paid to any producer who brings in Richard Belzer and who makes use of one or two OZ actors.
-Other notes: Eh... who cares? It's Friday. Even if you were sitting at home, you certainly aren't going to admit it like I do.
-Ooops, sorry... but this is the night I get the girlfriend cocked, then break out the vibrators and the Crisco. No TV for me. Unless the XFL turns out awfully cool
-EXCEPT: I always choose The Howard Stern Radio Show over Saturday Night Live. "SNL" used to represent talent and ideas that are NOT fit for NBC, but they somehow managed to sneak in late night Saturdays. This is why they were called the "Not Ready For Prime Time Players". These days, the show has gotten, much like Jay Leno, SO prime time, and SO acceptable... yeah, Will Ferrell portrays President Bush as a dumb guy... WOW... how thoughtful... how edgy!... Remember when Chevy Chase didn't even NEED makeup to do a funny Gerald Ford? The show is the worst... sheer torture.
-Stern, on the other hand, berates his staff, makes guests do degrading things for prizes, and features naked girls... THAT is stuff not ready for Prime Time... THIS is content network television would never put on. Too bad it's only on a few markets... I guess there's always the "E" show.
Not that it matters, by next year, with the Actor's Strike in FULL swing, there will be nothing on TV other than reality shows and Carson Daly. General productivity in America will skyrocket... teen violence will plummet. Some WWF wrestlers will walk into McMahon's office and say, "Umm, Vince, aren't WE actors and shouldn't WE be striking?" A rich, hearty, robust laughter will be heard all over Titan Tower... followed by an hour of screaming and berating.
And thus... my sermon on the current status of big time TV comes to an end. I hope you use this closer to held decide what you watch. Well... umm... frankly I'd just be happy if you stayed to the end.
Which is now.
I leave you with this small peek into my life... you know that stuff that men and women exude through their skin that attracts other people to them? They call it pheromones, I believe?
yeah, whatever it is... I exude the exact opposite of it.
It's no picnic being me, kids.
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