Mop-Up RAW 01.29.01
OH I LOVE NEW READERS
WCW is not your style I get it but do you have to ruin the recap for people who love WCW and have to work so they missed it. Yeah some people have real jobs as opposed to some fat son of a bitch hurling insults at people he no doubt cheered when WCW was on top. Cut the shit and to your job. Your job is to write the overview for us not for yourself. WWF is so simpleminded and repetitive that it doesn't matter if you miss a show cause if you watch the next show they'll show the whole damn thing anyway. WCW is headin for big changes and big things are going to happen and half-assed reporting is simply unacceptable. While you are having fun half-assing your job, us real people are takin our job seriously. What do you do if someone in the drive through half-asses your order? You bitch and moan cause your 10th Whopper didn't have enough mayo. What do you do if a mechanic half-asses your carberator you demand that it be fixed correctly. What the hell is your problem? The rest of your staff is completely professional but you need a reality check. You need to take your job seriously, or let someone who will take it seriously take over. You not only insult the performers but the fans of WCW. As if we are stupid for watching such a horrible show. Some people don't watch the "Spice channel". They don't write the reviews for it do they. F**ing lazy perverts like yourself write those. WCW is for WCW fans. Russo tried to make it just like WWF and it sucked. There is a reason for two different federations. Some people don't like WWF's product. As unbelievable as that may be for you, I personally think that WWF sucks d**k and anyone who watches it is either Under the age of 16, has an IQ below 100 or just doesn't like wrestling at all and just wants to watch a horrible wrestler scream obscenities and drink beer. Oh what an exiting show! Look Stone Cold is here! I wonder if he's gonna say ass. Yup. I wonder if someone is gonna get a "mud whole stompin". Yup. I wonder if he's gonna open a "great big can of whopass" Yup. OK let's see what Kienti is gonna say. INDEED. Wow I love that gag. WWF is a fucking joke An embarrassment to wrestling. You know what THAT'S WHY I DON'T WRITE THERE F***ING REVIEWS. WWF overviews are written for WWF fans. WCW reviews are written for WWF fans. That is a serious mistake and in general is a complete crock of shit.
The problem is... I don't eat Whoppers.
I'm confused... does he want me to start "full- assing" my recaps?
'Lo, I'm Cristobal and this is the hoot'n'nanny... finally, with BONUS footage right at the very end of the Nitro recap. No sweeping changes made 'round these parts... oh no... we got some plugs, some chat about the "Edge", a BRIEF note about the Superbowl... and blah blah blah... then we recap... then I lay down a closer, then I get the holy fu*k out of here. This is the plan.
This week's And Another Thing is a deviation from the norm. Usually, the columns are designed to look between the cracks of larger pictures, and to stay away from stuff I usually do here, but this week is a look at the Mike Modest/Chris Daniels match from last week's Nitro from a FAN'S point of view... and to contradict statements made by Wade Keller... who exhibited all the qualities of a first class Web Moron. Read it and learn that it's okay to be a mark, sometimes.
This week's closer is about the 2000/2001 television season. It's what I watch, what I don't watch, what you should watch, and so on... everyone loves TV... it's what we all have in common... and it helps me fill space... so everyone wins.
Okay, let's move on to the "Edge"...
Well, like I said last week, I won't comment on the radio show until I had a long chat with Dillard. Guess what... we chatted. We had a long, nice talk and I am convinced that he is as committed to making the show huge as I am. So, it's on. Ashish and Widro are in talks with Greg about revamping the actual Edge web site... Greg has some big time connections and big bookings should be forthcoming...
Trust me... I am NOT going to sit here and keep dropping promises on you all that go unfufilled... I respect you folks too much. If this thing doesn't get it's ass moving and provide weekly content that you will enjoy, I'll drop out of it and explore other avenues. I won't dick around with y'all. I am not some little web douchebag who makes big promises then spends 6 weeks crying over what went wrong.
In fact, Dillard sent me this message, just for you:
Well, now that I've been raked over the coals by mean Mr. Hyatte I guess we can get back rolling with The Edge again. Seriously though, I apologized to Chris last night and explained that I've had a few fairly serious family events take place over the past couple weeks. Due to the nature of those events, that's where my attention has been. Obviously as host of The Edge my intent is to provide a quality and entertaining show for our listeners, and fans of Hyatte. To that end we move forward and re-create that magical chemistry between Hyatte/Dillard once again this Thursday.
That's this Thursday.....
Ok Hyatte, now you can sick your goons off of me ok? No wonder Shannon's afraid of the dentist. Forget about a woman scorned....don't f**k around with Chris Hyatte if you value your livelihood.....
Okay then. Now, Greg has gone on record and said that the show is just a hobby for him... he swears to me that it's just a LIE!! I believe him.
So, next Thursday, the Edge makes it's BIG return. Since it's been a couple of weeks, we are going news heavy, we'll talk about Emzee... screw around... maybe I'll flush my head down my toilet again. Ah, and the guest will be Rory Fox.
Who? Well Rory Fox was that Indy worker who was on the MTV Special with Tony Atlas, Triple H, and Chyna that they keep running every so often. He's the kid who got to bring a paperboy tote bag to the ring and throw out newspapers to the crowd. THAT'S who Rory Fox is.
Ooph... I know... why should this interview interest you? Well, because I am going to do my best to get inside his head. I am going to ask him if he's willing to blow some penises in order to succeed. I am going to try to get him to talk about the dark side of rasslin' and try to see how bad he wants it. Look, just because he's not a big name does NOT mean that it'll be a boring interview. In fact, with no fear of getting fired from his bosses for revealing too much, this might be one HELL of a show. No one who thought about being a wrestler should miss this. I'll do my best.
Oh, and it's confirmed... NEXT week, Myself and Greg Dillard will have BOB RYDER on the show. Yes, me and Bob on the same show. Despite what many of you may think... it will NOT be a throwdown. Try explaining to me the sense in yelling at the guy for five minutes, then he hangs up and we lose any chance of getting more WCW names? I'll explain exactly WHAT it will be about next week... and talk about the nosy little dickhead who almost made Bob drop out because he meddled in my business... for the second time in a week. A firm, minor bitchslap will be the order of the day next column.
SO, to wrap up... check out the Edge next Thursday. Since the site is still down, thanks to the taking down of another site, just head on over to Rantsylvania on Thursday evening. It'll show up.
My God... I'm on Rantsylvania. The AntiChrist walks the Earth, people... steel yourselves and RUN to the Confessional. The big train to heaven is about to take off... get your tickets NOW!
I didn't see the Superbowl... because I'm taping the second season of The Sopranos and Sundays STILL belong to Oz... but I saw the Halftime show. I'm sure a lot of you are a bit miffed that Aerosmith would DARE to perform with 'N'Synch and Britney Spears... well... grow up. In case you didn't figure it out, Aerosmith's core audience has been the girls who swoon over Janie's got a Gun, Angel, and that asteroid movie song. As soon as Alicia Silverstone pigged out, Steve and Joe pretty much dropped their headbanging audience and slipped on over to the bubblegum side. It's a business move... and it's SMART business. Let them be.
If it makes you feel all warm and tingly inside... Joe Perry's facial expressions clearly indicated that he was NOT the proudest camper up on that stage. (and BOY, whatever pact Joe signed with Satan to keep those youthful looks, the sumbitch is earning every penny's worth of his soul)
Jeers to CBS for not staying on Britney's high cleavage for more than a few seconds at a time. This is no way to allow your audience time to drop trow and start tugging.
Survivor... very early assumptions give the balding, smiley guy who everybody said became the unofficial leader of the first tribe that had to vote someone off the odds of winning. Either him or that buffed bitch. But this is after only seeing the last 10 minutes of the show.
Umm... oh, and if the rumors become true and Paul Heyman DOES become head booker of the WWF... any shot WCW had of making this a horserrace again will be effectively KAPUT!!
Heyman could book Spike Dudley going to see Dr. Fudge for a root canal and make it compelling TV. He works with nothing and made ECW... imagine what he could do with the biggest company in the world?
And... hrmm... okay... yeah, I said enough. Time to move on and begin the recap. The days grow longer... the recaps grow longer... the days where I can still call myself a "kid" are growing shorter... my patience with sticking on these shows grows shorter. Father Time sinks his teeth ever so deeper into my spleen and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to go pee... dear God... I've wasted my life...
RAW IS WAR (or: Haku's Afro Vs McMahon's Rug: only at Wrestlemania)
-WWF is One World Leader in Sports Entertainment. Apparently, our Leader couldn't quite pony up the 2.5 mil for one, single Superbowl ad this year.
-Opening theme. If they do sign Rhino, it won't take long to get him up there. Rhino definitely has the goods, kids. He's got a bright future.
-Fans, fireworks, signs, fireworks, fans, and signs. Quick shot of a sign reading "RAJAH.COM"... Jesus... does that guy go to EVERY show?
-Jim Ross welcomes us to Pittsburgh, but NOT the Igloo. He spoke to fast for me to get actually where they were.
-Ross tells us that they are in the "Steal City"... ah, so that explains why we saw all those fans there running around screaming, "WHERE'S MY WALLET?!?!?!?!?!"
-WWF New York is alive and HOT... all guys... no girls... it won't be long before they start hanging ferns, have their bartenders go shirtless while serving Cosmopolitans and Sea Breezes, and make the DJ play Donna Summer round the clock.
-Dear God... imagine the riot in that place every Thursday night. Smackdown or Will & Grace... it'll be an epic mess of garter belts, tank tops, and codpieces.
-Back to the arena. More scans of the Pittsburgh crowd. I spot a large, familiar face holding up a sign reading, "WILL SCREAM SPINEROONI FOR FOOD!!!" Oh man... it'll be cheaper to hire Randy Savage, Hogan, and Goldberg.
-We are promised an actual MATCH TONIGHT!!! (Sweeps come early here on TNN)... a Fatal Fourway (only if one of those peckers touch MINE) between The Rock, The Big Show, Benoit, and Jericho. With the winner getting a shot at Kurt Angle on Thursday. In other words, Rocky gets a shot at Angle on Thursday.
-Lawler is there... and claims that he has a "real bad feeling" about tonight. (Ooops... Jerry must'a left his Viagra back in Memphis... and Miss Kitty has been giving K Kwick some long looks)
-Ah, Wrestlemania must be in the air, because tonight features an actual CONTRACT SIGNING with both Steve Austin and Triple H!!! I'm sure they will edit out the part where HHH screams, "320 HOUSE SHOWS A YEAR???? VINCE, ARE YOU INSANE????
-Moments ago, Steve Austin showed up. Walking by a long stretch limo and snickering to himself. Peering inside, he waves and says, "Hi Pat! Hi Aldo!", then walks off. (now THAT'S a "development deal")
-WWF World Champion, Kurt Angle comes out. As serious as a worked Chyna injury.
-Cameras gaze lovingly at a sign reading, "OLIMPIC CHUMP"...oh you DOUCHEBAGS!!! OH YOU HALF-WITTED, WHITE TRASH, ILLITERATE, BUTTHEADS!!! CAN YOU STOP EMBARRASSING THE TYPICAL WRESTLING FAN AND LEARN HOW TO GODDAM SPELL???? PLEASE????
-speaking of which... just because *I'M* named "Hyatte", does NOT mean that MISSY is named "Hyatte"... her last name is "Hyatt". Please do not insult her like this.
-"Olimpic Chump"... oy... I think Mushnick was right all along.
-Angle enters the ring. Someone punch him in the face? What's that mouse under his eye?
-Angle says that it's great for him to come home to Pittsburgh... why don't they just re-christen it "Lemiouxville" and get it over with?
-While you're at it... let's name the Internet, "INTERHYATTE" AND BE DONE WITH IT!!! NOBODY IS AS COOL AS ME!!!!!!! NOBODY!!!!!!
-ugh... get over yourself, dickface
-Angle ran down his list of credits. OlYmpic Champion, WWF Champion, Role Model (???), Hero (?????), and he also claimed to have set the record for becoming THE most requested sperm donor in Pittsburgh..
-Role Model?? Hero?? Perhaps Kurt read last week's blistering And Another Thing about young Aaron Werner and his Backyard philosophy... ???(plug) BE WARY KURT!!!!!! ABSOLUTE INFLUENCE CORRUPTS, ABSOLUTELY!!!! AND AARON IS AWFULLY CLOSE TO ARYAN!!!!!
-can't believe I had to explain my own f-ing symbolism...
-Kurt wasn't here to talk about being all those things... Kurt was there to talk about being a "savior"! Uh Oh... suddenly, every Rabbi watching this just slapped his head and shouted, "OY! HERE WE GO AGAIN!"
-Kurt was speaking of achieving something that many thought "impossible" (scoring a title win without going a few rounds with Patterson?)
-Kurt asked us all to flashback to a year ago... okay, then... hang on...
-ONE YEAR AGO IN THE MOP-UP:
-oops... my computer was broke at the time. I was week 2 into my big 6 week "vacation". Ah well.
-Luckily, Angle had FOOTAGE... of last year's RAW where a WAAAY more tanned Angle tells the Pittsburgh crowd that he was their new hometown hero... and that Mario Lemioux was a pussy for not coming out of retirement and saving the Penguins.
-Back to LIVE, Angle said "You're Welcome" to the crowd... and took credit for lighting the fire under Mario's butt and prompting his return.
-Angle predicted that "like all great Pittsburgh comebacks", this one will fail and probably end up being pointless. (I forget, did the Steelers ever get "One for the Thumb"?)
-Angle broke the news that he will not be defending his title tonight. He'll defend it on Thursday against the winner of the already described Fatl Four way. Angle intentionally didn't say "The Rock", hoping to avoid the inevitable pop that would follow.
-All this reminded Angle of a little story that Jim Leland told him... before ditching this city and going somewhere else to win the World Series... (huh? I'm lost... sorry... never was a huge Soccer fan)
-Before he could tell his tale... the Rock's theme came on. Rocky followed suit.
-Staying at the entranceway, Rocky had a microphone and was fully prepared to use it.
-He began to speak... meanwhile, I was too focused on that long piece of white string that swing from the front of his sweat pants... very long... very white... I think the bastard is goofing on White America!!!!! ASSH**LE!!!!! WE KNOW 90% OF US DON'T HAVE ANYTHING MORE THAN 5 INCHES!!!! NO NEED TO LAUGH AT US FOR IT!!!
-Rocky said that he was enjoying Angle's spiel, but he came out there to correct him on a few things...
-When it came to taking credit for Lemioux's comeback... the rock called it the "biggest bucket of Penguin P(BLEEEP) the Rock has ever seen!!!"
-Lawler, "Penguin P.... He can't say that, can he?" (Yes, he can!! He has... FOR LIKE... THE LAST 3 YEARS!!!!!! HOW MUCH HISTORY DO WE PLAN ON RE-WRITING THIS WEEK, GERALD????)
-Ross assured us, he was referring to pee pee. Thanks, Jim... we couldn't figure that out.
-Rocky added a new cred to Angle's list... "The biggest roody poo, bug eyed, milk drinking, suck ass, kiss ass, 100% Grade A candy Ass the Rock has ever SEEN!!!" (that he can say... "piss" is outlawed. Go figure.)
-Lawler hoped all that was bleeped out. What happened to the guy who once made reformed alcoholic Jake Roberts guzzle a pint of Jack Daniels? THE KING... IS DEAD!!!
-Rocky continued, claiming to have gone out and found "footage" of his own. Now, The Rock said that we ALL knew that Angle didn't like "pie"... but he asked, "do you like... pizza?"
-Ross, "Oh, that rumor was on the Internet!" (WHAT? WHERE?? IF STONE9COLD "Everything in Wrestling sucks these days" ASHISH DIDN'T REPORT IT... IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!!!!!)
-Angle told Rock not to even THINK about it.
-Oops, too late, Rock rolled the footage.
-We see a grainy commercial featuring a young Kurt Angle shilling for a pizza joint called "The Pizza Outlet" (nothing screams fresh, tasty pizza like "The Pizza Outlet")... Kurt watched as two cartoon peppers, one red, one black (voiced by Frank Gorshin), rassle each the before Kurt's very eyes. Ironically, I saw olives, mushrooms, and onions on the pie itself, BUT NO PEPPERS!!!!!!!
-Back to live... Angle was irate. Rocky was soaking in the cheers. He finally asked, "Kurt, what in the blue hell was that?"
-Dropping that, Rocky led Angle into one of his "It Doesn't MATTER" deals... you've heard them all.
-Rock went on to say that HE will win the match tonight... then it's on to whuppin' dat ass on Smackdown (which has YET to influence ANY teenager to quit using "smack"... by the way. Maybe if they change the show's name to "Glocksdown", they'll have better luck?)
-Rocky had more to say, then wrapped it up with "IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEE..."
-OUT comes the Big Show with one of those clubbing forearms that got him sent off to Ohio in the first place... BASTARD!!!! WHAT WAS ROCKY TRYING TO TELL US??? SMELL WHAT??? WHAT, DAMMIT???
-Ooh, Steven Spielberg was just Knighted! In a related note, Amy Irving found the bones of a rat that had lived it's life in her hair!
-How many starlets do you think Spielberg got for Clinton? 100? 200??
-The Show banged the Rock around some... then pointed at Angle and said "YOU"... followed by running his open hands around his middle and shouting "MIIINE". He's going to eat Kurt? A Cannabalistic Homo? WOW, and that's just after a few months in Ohio!
-WWF staff hovered over the Rock... Angle smiled. Meanwhile, the Dream was teaching us all how to cut promos on Nitro. THE HORSERACE IS BACK ON, BABY!!!!!!!!
-Ross screamed, Lawler screamed, the fans screamed, my bird screamed! "JAKE SHUT THE FU** UP YOU STUPID BIRD!!!!!!!!!!"
-commercials. The XFL is next week. By Sunday, roughly half the players in the league will be staring in the mirror and saying, "Since when did breathing inflict such pain?"
-footage of what just happened... oh, if you HAVE to know...
-okay then... there's 15 minutes worth of splicing that I'll never get back... for no more than a cursory glance from the reader. THIS IS WHY I GET CHRISTMA... oh f-it
-I may have missed some footage of the Rock being tended too.
-The Dudley's come out. Could there possibly be room for little Spike Dudley? Oh man, I hope not. He lives too close to me... I'm just getting by in live thinking that everyone in my town is just as much a loser as I am... I can't handle anyone near me succeeding in life... I... just... can't... NO!!
-Edge and Christian came out... in street clothes!! Pissing on the sanctity of the squared circle? SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!!
-whoof... I'm just firing blanks this week, ain't I?
-maybe It's time I quit... pack it in... screw the 5 year plan... lemme think on it.
-QUICK... what's the last thing a child sees before the Pedofile kills him?
-answer: My collection of "Barney" tapes! BWAHAHAHAHAA BOOYAAA!!! I'M BACK BABY!!!!! THE MAGIC IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!
-I need someone NEW to rag on... someone NEW to channel my rage towards... everybody knocks Ryder & Scherer these days, it's boring.... Scaia is fun... but he's a total pussy against me... hmm... I'll find someone... maybe a good GROUP... like those NWWWO kids I demoralized and humiliated off the net... hmmm... damn, there's no one out there even REMOTELY as interesting as Sean was (still is, quite frankly).
-BILL MILANO FROM DDTDIGEST BLOWS!!!!!!!!! (there, that felt good... LET THE FLAME WAR BEGIN!!!!)
-eh... it was either him or Mr. Tito... or Xavier Doom... the pond doth grow emptier
-Xavier Doom still alive? Did he change his name to "Magneto Luthor" yet?
-and what happened to the Uncensored Board? Jesus, I don't drop in for a week and the whole site disappears. Don't tell me SPIFFY ran them off the web?? SPIFFY??? Spiffy can't chase away anything. Goddam bunny rabbits look at him and say "N-word PLEASE". Spiffy's STILL running around telling fat chicks that he used to write for Scoops... Spiffy STILL drops my name to impress his writers. DON'T TELL ME SPIFFY CHASED THE SCOTS OFF THE WEB?!?!?!
-and yes, I realize that roughly 88% of you have absolutely no f-ing clue what I've been rambling on about for the last 6 marks. But I swear, the other 12% are MARKING OUT BABY!!!!!!!
-no they're not... but it helps me sleep at night.
-anywhoo... the Canuck kids were in street clothes. Christian had a mic and told the Dudley boys that as former WWF tag champs, their contracts guaranteed them a re-match... and believe me (Christian, not Hyatte) there WILL come a time for that re-match with "dorkchops" like yourselves (the Dudley's... not YOU, the audience... although let's face it, if you're reading this... chances are you ARE a dork... dork).
-Unfortunately Edge claimed to have gotten food poisoning from something he ate in Mobile Alabama, last week. (Rule of thumb... if she ain't got no teeth, chances are there are OTHER body parts that suffer from bad hygiene too. BONUS RULE OF THUMB: If you're chowing away at some bad snatch, and say "Oh, I'm gonna be sick!"... and you hear her say, "Hmm, that's what the last guy down there said too"... GET OFF HER AND HAUL ASS!!!!!!!!!)
-"ain't got no teeth"... what is wrong with me?
-Edge even had an official Doctor's note signed by a real live Doctor! Ross said, "probably a proctologist".
-Soooo Edge brought out there replacement tag team challengers for the evening...
-Out come Kaientia. Take Michinoku got on the stick and the bad dubbing began (ah, the Ghost of Vinnie Ru still haunts the hallowed halls of Titan Towers... oh... wait... it's the REAL Russo... he's scrubbing their toilets now!.. FEED THE FAMILY, VINCE!!!!! DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!)
-The bad dubbing ended with "INDEEEEED"
-BUT... props to ANYONE who throws out a Skeletor reference ("by the Power of Grayskull!!". Now, if they can only sneak in a "Thundercats" shout.
-The match got going... E & C joined the announcers. TURN UP THEIR MICS, KIDS!!! THIS AIN'T NITRO!!!!
-Ross put two and two together and accused E & C of letting the Japs win because beating them would be much easier than beating the Dudleys! (well, Sherlock Holmes would be proud! If he were anything other than a work of fiction, of course)
-Funaki (he puts the FUN in "Aki") stood at his corner.. screamed "BANZAIIIII" and charged. Buh Buh knocked him out with one club to the head. Now why didn't they try that at Pearl Harbor?
-Christian asked when was the LAST time we saw Japanese tag team champions? Umm... Fuji and Saito... July, 1982... I KNOW MORE USELESS SHIT THAN ANYONE ELSE ALIVVVVVVVE!!!!!!!!!!
-HUGE legdrop by D-Von... SO huge that time ACTUALLY STOPPED AND LIFE FROZE!! Only I was still cognizant to take notice!
-it's been two days... and it happened fast... so I'll explain... the camera stopped recording real time and froze just as D-Von was pinning the guy... an instant later, they switched cameras and the action resumed... hence, the lame line about time freezing from the impact, along with the even lamer line about me being the only one to notice... which is my pathetic attempt to make myself out to be bigger than the piece of shit I really am. Thank you... now on to our regularly scheduled self-masturbation disguised as a recap.
-Try as they might, the WWF still can't quite hide the fact that Kaientia are extremely talented.
-The Dudley's get off their "WHAZZUP" thing. Edge asked why these guys were so jacked up about putting one of their heads in another guy's crotch. (Don't knock it 'till you try it, my Homey)
-The Dudley's get off a unique variation of the 3D... which I refuse to describe F-YOU!!!
-This cued E & C to overcome their sickness and interfere. Edge speared D-Von and left him down. Funaki tried to cover him, but D-Von kicked out. We got a more traditional version of the 3D and the Duds retain... MUCH to the chagrin of E&C.;
-Buh Buh yelled at the boys... BEGGING them to bring it on for a match right there!!! (how refreshing would it be if they just yelled "can we do this some other time?")
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Backstage, the COACH (Shelly Fabaras sleeps with HIM?) has Vince McMahon. Vince says the match will go on, Rock or no Rock. He's acting awfully normal for a HEEL!!!
-Triple H stepped in with his wife (hair tightly wrapped in a pony tail... I LOVE that look... it reminds me of those "special" times when you can unload on a girl and she doesn't bitch about getting it in her hair)
-HHH also has his Lawyer with him. If this was Nitro, Mean Gene would scream, "HOLY COW!!! NOTED HOLLYWOOD ATTORNEY ETHAN MUCKETYMUCK THE 3RD!!!!!!" and carry on as if everyone in the free world knew who this guy was.
-But here in the WWF, his name was Brian Guartz... (a Jewish lawyer? OH YEAH!!! THAT'LL HAPPEN)
-The Lawyer offered his hand to Vince... Vince proudly announced, "I do not shake hands with Attorney's!!" (oh please... I can name twenty of them that saved Vince's ass so many times he should have Steph perform oral on them)
-This is Vince relating with the common man in his audience, "Hey! That Vince don't socieate with the shysters... he's one of US!"
-HHH should have brought a Union Delegate... THEN Vince would have flown off the handle! THEN we would have gotten a taste of REAL kayfabe busting!
-HHH wanted Austin! He had his lawyer there to make sure he don't get SCREWED in the contract signing. Vince ordered them to go away and cool their jets.
-Things get serious as Billy Gunn explains to us how Chyna, who is supposed to be a quadriplegic now, not to mention heartbroken over the end of her career, can do shows like Stern and be in amazingly good spirits. See, she's PUTTING THE PAIN ASIDE AND FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES IN LIFE!!!! Billy Gunn went from being half of the coolest darn tag team there was to speaking on behalf of a women. Screw Chyna, how can HE act so cheerful?
-Val Venis came to the ring with the rest of RTC. We see how this upcoming match was made. On Heat, Steve Blackman fooled Stephen Richards into thinking that he recruited another lamb... but Blackman turned the tables and... oh who cares?
-Match... run in... Hell breaks loose... Hardcore Holly... fire extinguisher... Heels scamper... Faces face off... Blackman leaves...Holly stares... unity?... betrayal?... will time tell?... mid... card... shenanigans.
-TOUGH ENOUGH contestants make their videotaped plea to get on the show. Is there a single ONE of you who fully understands just how rough this business is? I wonder...
-Ryan Beyer believes in the two "R"s... "resolution" and "retribution"... what about that one "P"? "Patblowinalloveryourchin"?
-Beyer better get used to that third "R"... "rejection"
-Ro and Law sell the show some more
-spot for Chyna's book. "If They Only Knew"... (oh tell us, wise one... knew WHAT?)
-One question... does she address the rumors that she had a fling with someone from 'N'Synch?
-commercials... Hannibal is coming... I might as well spill, the ending to the book has Clarise and Lector dining on someone... that ain't what we'll see on the screen.
-Vince was on the phone with an unknown person... Vince tells this someone that everyone can't wait until he./she comes back but yes massages are very good for the body AND soul, in fact, they are "Nature's Tranquilizers"... (hmmph... so are CRZ's WOW recaps)
-William Regal comes into the screen and has some tea for Vince. He claims that the tea is "Imported from India" (Gee... I hope he stuck it in the microwave for at least a minute!!)
-How'd did he get it overseas without spilling any? I can't cross my kitchen with some soup without slopping half of it on my rug!
-camera pans the contract signing table... in the ring... with chairs! FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!!
-video package tells the vicious circle of pain and terror that is the relationship between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Triple H. In carny speak, this is also known as "time filler"
-HHH and Stephanie and the Jewish Lawyer (unreal... what happened to SOME semblance of reality?) discuss their hatred and distrust of a certain bald headed rattlesnake. (umm... not that I can recall seeing any rattler on the "Animal Network" with an Elvis coif)
-Michael Cole has secured an EXCLUSIVE interview with Austin. Austin spoke exactly four sentences. TWO of which ended in a preposition. ALL of which included a naughty word. NONE of which was anything even remotely unpredictable to the audience.
-Vince McMahon was walking with a clipboard.
-commercials. HHH pushes a Weider product. In a move that I KNOW HHH demanded, the commercial went out of it's way to explain why HHH would hang around a high school locker room all sweaty with his shirt off. (He was getting frisky with a History teacher... a FEMALE History teacher)
-We are still in Pittsburgh
-Mr. McMahon comes out. Lawler pointed out that Vince really had better things to do this week then to hang around in Pittsburgh. Such as STARTING A BRAND NEW FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!!!
-actually, he has people doing all the work for him... he probably has oodles of free time now.
-Vince hits the ring and grabs the microphone. He called this night "a night of great historical significance!" (Oh jeeze... who's birthday is it tonight? Bill Cosby? Al Sharpton? Tupac? Biz Markie?)
-Oh.. no... it's just that a contract will be signed tonight... a BINDING contract for a PPV match in Las Vegas. Stipulations pending. (Jeeze... you'd think a contract would handle that, small detail)
-Vince mentioned the violent history between these two... both men enacting great waves of "havoc" upon each other.
-SOOooo... in the "Interest of fairness"... (suddenly, THAT'S the catchphrase du jour), a stipulation of this contract states that "there can be no physical act of aggression of ANY KIND between these two UNTIL the match... UNLESS sanctioned by the World Wrestling Federation!"
-If these two men BREAK this simple rule in ANY way (what?? no buttsex?)... well, for Triple H, that'll cost him a 6 month suspension. For Austin, he loses his WM title shot. (ooo, Lord knows we can't have THAT!!)
-With the details out of the way, Vince asked for HHH to come out. Which he did... with his wife and attorney.
-Motorhead, Good God... LOSE THE THEME!!! Have Korn or Metallica cut something...
-The entrance took a few moments... long enough for me to brew my 3rd pot of coffee, I said for absolutely no reason.
-Vince brought out Stone Cold. Ross called him "incomparable"... which puts his WWF career roughly in the same place Hogan's was when they started calling him the "Immortal" Hulk Hogan.
-Austin cornered the crowd... then stepped on the table and gave HHH a double fingerful... HHH sneered, Vince gulped, Ross screamed, "STONE COLD, STONE COLD, STONE COLD!!!" Lord... they NEED Heyman!!!
-Austin took his seat and waited. Hunter followed suit.
-Vince began, "All right Gentlemen. Both of you have read the con...WHAT?????" This came after Austin demanded a couple of beers. Usually, Vince gets them good and loaded BEFORE signing their lives away for a ridiculously low number. ("Pay fer my own motel roomsh... shounds GOOD!!!!")
-Vince started again... hoping to keep this "civil"... both men know what's in here... let's get to it!
-They stared each other down... ooo... you can feel the hatred!!! You can feel the TENSION!!!!!!
-Austin went first... he signed it with no hesitation and without even LOOKING at it!!! Dumb moves like will inevitably result in Austin changing his name to some ridiculous symbol and scrawling the word "SLAVE" across his cheek.
-Ross on HHH, "What he must be thinking??" (umm... best guess... "my dick is 9 inches long!"... ALL well endowed males have their exact measurements running nonstop in their heads... or so I'm told)
-HHH was next. He gave his Lawyer the contract to read. Guartz (oy VEY) pulled a pair of glasses out of his HALIBURTON briefcase (keep this in mind... there's a taste of irony coming up) and reads it. Vince impatiently barks, "The numbers did NOT change!!! No matter HOW much you read it!!!" (YEAH VINCE!!!! GIVE THE SHARK ONE FOR US BLUE COLLARED HICKS!!! douchebag...)
-Ross was no better, by the way... but being a "down home country boy" is his character... so it's cool.
-Ross, "if looks could kill!!! Then Austin would be on Death Row!!" (or, he would have had a part in Richard Grieco's ONE AND ONLY big time Hollywood movie vehicle)
-The Lawyer found something in the contract that he brought to Hunter's attention. HHH stood up and scanned it. Small discussion followed. Austin stood up and wandered over. HHH told him to back off. Austin didn't... but didn't move forward either.
-Eventually, 3H signed it. He gave it to Vince and resumed starting at Austin. Vince grabbed the mic and announced that the match was official... Austin walked away...
-HHH picked up the briefcase and CRACKED Austin in the head with it! Austin went down. HHH proceeded to wail on Austin. Ross, "WHAT IN THE HELL!!! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!!! HE'S SUSPENDED FOR 6 MONTHS!!!! DAMN HIM, DAMN HIM ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!"
-The beating ended with the Pedigree. Vince got involved and screamed, "YOU'VE JUST BEEN SUSPENDED FOR SIX MONTHS, PAL!!!!" (man, and when Vince says "Pal"... you KNOW someone's in for a major ass chewing!)
-HHH took the mic and said that there would be NO suspension!! Because he NEVER SIGNED THE CONTRACT!!!!!
-HHH held the contract up for us to see... nope, no signature. HE SO SMART!!!!!!!
-3H signed it. Of course, he didn't REALLY sign it with "Jean Paul LeVasque (or whatever goofy ass Frog name he has)... he signed "Triple H"
-Vince smiled... AHA!! HE'S STILL A HEEL!!! theworstheelontheplanetbutNONE-THE-LESS!!!!
-HHH looked down on Austin and said, "Austin 3:16 huh? Well paragraph 3:16 says 'pal, you can't touch me!'"
-3H leaves. He wins again!! It must be Stephanie's good luck rubbing off him.
-Now HERE'S THE IRONY!!!... How is Austin getting hit with a Haliburton briefcase, ironic?
-easy... because Mongo McMichael used the same weapon as a gimmick when he turned "heel" and joined the Horsemen at the expense of... what's his name... the football guy... I dunno... I forget the name... Dick Hertz?
-GREEN!!!! TOM GREEN!!! OF COURSE!
-AND... of course... Mongo is the "Ex" while Steve is the "current"... voila!!! Irony!
-Overdone explanations... stupid displays of petty knowledge... suddenly, I'm doing "Ask the Hyatte"
-footage of what just happened. No, I ain't doing that recap recap again.
-During the break... we see Austin rolling around the ring. Ross promised us a look into Austin's enraged eyes that will "haunt us for the rest of our days!!!" Ross sold this look more than he ever sold that damn cookbook. Ross GUARAN-DAMN-TEED A GLIMPSE INTO NIGHTMARE INDUCING ANGER!!!! PURE, UNADULTERATED VICIOUSNESS!!! SOULESS FURY!!! RELENTLESS IRE!!! EVIL, DEAD, EYES!!!! PUT THE DAMN KIDS TO BED!!!! THIS WILL SCAR THEM FOR LIFE!!!
-Of course, they cut away before we got ANY of that. You could almost hear Ross say, "Oh, those A-HOLES!!!!"... we DID see Steph and Trip dive into a limo and speed off. Both of them went up into the moonroof and goofed on Austin.
-The logical move would be to have Austin get some revenge (and fulfilling PLENTY of fantasies) and give the Princess a good Stunner... but I doubt this'll be happening... because RAW is Stephanie nowadays.
-The APA fought the newly re-united Hardy Boys. Apparently, the whole "riff" between the two boys was actually a "work within a work" in order to sucker the Acolytes into a pinfall... (Oh, I think the WWF just saw that the Internet bloody well SCREAMED about what a BAD idea this was and quickly slapped them back together).
-Oh, and the RTC came out to... it was a Three Way Dance.
-Ooops... no it wasn't. The TWO teams started beefing... Lita and Jacqueline got into it too.
-WAIT... the RTC DID come out... it WAS a Three Way Dance... with the winner getting a shot at the Dudley's on a "very special" Smackdown: Extreme. (ooo, I can't WAIT for Tommy Dreamer to get out there and WHOOP SOME ASS!!!!)
-The Boyz flew... the Lytes clotheslined... and the RTC took it like men! Bradshaw was about to pin Bull after a clothesline from Hell, but the Goodfather pulled him out of the ring. This set up Jeff Hardy and his Senton Bomb. It also set up the pin. The newly re-united Hardyz WON!! And were on their way to Smackdown... against the Dudleys... which will no doubt include E & C... which wll no doubt result in a three way sikgned for the PPV... which will no doubt have us morons shaking our heads and saying, "OH COME ON... AGAIN????"
-The announcers debate the likelihood that anyone OTHER than then Rock will win the match tonight. The final agreement was that we had a better chance of seeing Stone9Cold NOT ignore me when we're both on AOLIM (huh? How'd they know?)
-Michael Cole had an EXCLUSIVE interview with the Rock! The Rock spoke exactly 8 sentences. ALL of which included the words "Big" and "Show".
-The Big Show was someone, cackling at the TV monitor, "Ha ha ha haa... okay... if that's what you want! Ha ha ha haa. Is that what you want? Answer me! Don't ignore me! ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!!" Then the poor big bastard picked up the monitor and chokeslammed it! The screen busted. he shredded his hand reaching inside and screaming, "WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE CREEP!!! YOU CAN'T HIDE IN THIS SMALL BOX FOREVER!! Then he roared. The boy has issues.
-Crash Holly came out for a Hardcore fight against Raven. He had Molly Holly with him.
-Raven came out... with a shopping cart filled with gimmicked weaponry. This cart had the name "Raven" on the front. (THE CARTOONY 80'S ARE BACK!!!!!! WHAT'S NEXT?? DUSTY AND FLAIR CUTTING PROMOS ON EACH OTHER????)
-Raven knocked Crash about, then shoved the cart into him, which sent him flying off the top of the ramp. (See, Crash ran up the ramp to attack Raven at the curtain... which I should have pointed out above but was too busy getting all ironic with this Dusty/Flair/80's nonsense)
-Raven threw a tricycle at Crash, and missed by a country mile... but it did allow Ross to yell, "TRICYCLES??? SPORTS ENTERTAINERS DON'T USE TRICYCLES!!!" (*AHEM... Doink... *COUGH)
-They fought in the seats... no, in the BLEACHERS... not within gay men's buttocks... nitwits
-Crash lept from the second level guard rails and onto Raven. Then he dumbly tried to slingshot Raven into the... umm... wall above the entrance into the arena proper. Raven slapped it with his hands... his head didn't get anywhere NEAR it... so he cupped his head in pain anyway. Ross called him on the spot... and I SWEAR he muttered, "dumbass" under his breath t'boot.
-Things went deep into the back. Raven picked up a MOP and proceeded to MOP UP THE FLOOR with Crash... no doubt sending HUGE SHOUT OUTS TO THE KING OF THE INTERNET!!!!!! YES YES, MY FRIENDS!!! I SEE YOU!!! AND I APPROVE!!!!!!!
-Dammit... I RUN THIS BUSINESS!!!!
-Then Crash rebounded and attacked Raven with a lasso! Ross called it a "Lariat" (HEY!!! DAMMIT!!! NO!!!)
-Raven answered that by hitting crash with a tiki TORCH! (OH FOR CHRISSAKES!!!! COME ONNNNNNNN!!)
-Crash responded by taking a Levar Burton with his foot cut off and wearing a loincloth and hit Raven with him. Lawler moaned, "HE'S HITTING HIM WITH A WRESTLELINE RECAPPER!!! MY GOD ALMIGHTY!!!" (that's it... I'm committing suicide)
-The match ended in the snow, outside... with Raven's mysterious female assisting her man and helping him win. They sped off in a car. The plot thickens.
-HAKU... RIKISHI... KANE... UNDERTAKER! FOUR MEN... TWO OF THEM SET TO WORK!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN??? (oh... that part's easy as pie)
-Smackdown footage dealing with the four men we just saw.
-The Undertaker and Kane walked out to Limp Bizcut's "Rollin'". Kane moved in. Then he moved out. He put his hands up. Then he put his hands down. He backed up, he backed up. then did the hokey pokey and turned himself around. UT smiled and said, "now THAT'S what it's all about!"
-Moo Goo Gai Shi came out with Haku. Ross questioned Lillian Garcia's claim that the 'Fro dude went 268... declaring, "If that sumbitch ain't pushing 3 bills, then I don't wear a black hat!" he also added, "And if he wants to REMAIN here in the WWF, he'll chug that gut down to a respectable 250!!! Or it's BACK to erecting "Thunder" rings!!!!"
-Haku and UT started to slug away. That UT is awfully QUICK
-Jesus... that is the coolest rasslin' hairstyle going! That thing has a mind of it's own!
-UT bent over for a backdrop as Haku came off the ropes. Haku did the grab-the-hair-and-throw-him-back thing (does EVERY move need a name?). It may have been the worst execution of that move EVER. It was SO bad, Mike Modest and Chris Daniels laughed at it.
-UT was tossed into the corner. Haku swung his arms wildly and screamed something island... UT stood there and muttered, "oh, just hit me so I don't look like a DINK!" Haku headbutted him.
-Rikishi distracted the UT... Kane knocked him down. UT turned around and ate a big boot.
-'kishi chaired Kane. UT chokeslammed Haku and won the match. Rikishi got into the ring and tried to attack. UT punched him about. Haku took the chair and clubbed him from behind. UT staggered. Rikishi took the chair and knocked him HARD on the head. UT was floored. The Islanders (where's Mike Bossy, dammit?) went to work on Kane so UT can blade himself in private. He did just that, but it was a wimpy cut... which didn't stop Ross from screaming, "AW GOD, HE'S BUSTED WIDE OPEN!!!! (aw get real, Jimmy)
-The Dead Boys cleaned house anyway. UT used his anger at the piss poor blade job and channeled it towards the Island kids.
-Lita was walking.... actually, she was sashaying... I've seen struts like that before... it's says, "You know you want it, White Bread! Keep dreaming!" (oh yeah?... I've got some fast dissolving pills that evens up the odds VERY quickly... oh yes... keep flashing that bod, red... keep it up. One day... one day soon, you'll get a taste of "Vitamin Hyatte"... oh yes... indeed)
-The Undertaker corrected the bad blade with some more... then told Kevin Kelly that this motormouth gimmick he's been working ain't cutting it. (uhh... yeah... he NEVER shuts up... I guess). There will be NO MORE lectures about "making people famous", and "staying out of his yard"! From here on out... it's ALL action!!! Then he said, "RIKISHI!!!! HAKU!!! YOU'VE WANDERED INTO MY YARD!!! NOW I'M GONNA MAKE YOU FAMOUS!!!" (*sigh*... HELLOOOOO?)
-And just like that... we got us a "First Blood Match" for Thursday... the First Team to get chased out of the building by Brian Dennehy loses!!
-Kane got on the stick and VERY CLEARLY re-iterated everything his Brother just said. (gee... y'know... couldn't they have... at least... made ONE mention of Kane getting speech therapy... or something... just to offer SOME reasoning behind his sudden ability to speak articulately?)
-Dean Malenko had a martini at WWF New York and told Ross and Lawler that Lita and him were DESTINED for copulation! I keep waiting for his wife to show up and snip his nuts off on live TV. Now I must fast forward through this until he learns how to clear his damn throat!
-Ivory joined the Announcers as Lita came out. Ross called Dean a "dirty old man". Lawler asked him to explain that... Ross told Lawler to "look in the mirror"... (well it's ABOUT TIME!!!!)
-Jacky came out.
-The match as awfully short... and it ended with both girls attacking Ivory. Lita still has the prettiest face I've never come across.
-Jericho was on his way.
-Kurt Angle was on his way. Ross, (who isn't having his best night) screamed, "WHERE IS HE GOING??? WHAT IS HE PLANNING??? HOW WILL THIS EFFECT THE FATAL FOUR WAY??? WHAT DOES STONE COLD MAKE OF ALL THIS????" (oh, ENOUGH with the Austin references... does he have to be a part of EVERY angle, Jim?)
-We FNALLY see those "EVIL, BEDWETTING INDUCING, VICIOUS, EMPTY, SOULLESS eyes that Austin had after the HHH beatdown. Quite frankly, my Mother made those same eyes every time I had to tell her that the condom ripped
-Kurt Angle came out and joined the announce team. We got to see the commercial again... Angle got on mic in time to say, "Okay, ENOUGH!"
-Chris Jericho came out. I admit to giggling after Jericho's explosion went off and Kurt said, "Oh, that's obnoxious".
-He had a microphone and welcomes us to "RIJ". He screwed up (I hope) and called Kurt Angle "Kurt Angle" and NOT "Kirk Angel"
-BY THE WAY... somewhere in this show, Chris Benoit told Tazz backstage that... well, something... it caused Tazz to cackle... I missed it all. Please... DON'T feel the need to e-mail me the transcript. I'm quite sure I can live my life without it.
-Jericho announced that the WWF title has been around Angle's "pizza peddling ass" for WAY too long... and when he saw the commercial, he realized two things: 1: Angle should be shilling Rogaine, instead. and 2: The WWF belt would be better off around the waist of yadda yadda yadda.
-Jericho wrapped... and we got us a...
-spot introducing us to a female XFL announcer named Carol... something... who proceeded to strip off her XFL uniform in the male locker room while discussing her role in the league.
-No person on the planet can speak the run-on sentences she was speaking without taking a breath... it might have been the single worst looping I have ever seen. She obviously spent time in a studio re-speaking her lines in harmony with the spot... AND SHE DIDN'T MATCH UP IN A FEW SPOTS!!!!! (It's Kaientia... for REAL!)
-Angle promised to be "extreme" on Thursday... Benoit came out and started swinging at Jericho.
-The Show came out. He went to work on both kids.
-The Rock came out. He immediately walked into a MONSTER Chokeslam. God Bless Rocky for kicking his legs while up in the air... that's a SELL!!!
-TBS with a quick pin attempt... Benoit kicked him and broke it.
-Benoit and Rocky were outside. TBS went to work on Jericho. We got to see the "Final Cut". (Which... well... it blows)
-Benoit took a shot at the Show. No soup.
-Rocky took a turn... he was able to get Show out of the ring. Benoit and Rocky went at it.
-Benoit tried the Flying Headbutt... he missed.
-Rocky pinned Benoit. TBS stopped it.
-Benoit tried a missile dropkick... and barely touched TBS. Oh come on Paul... we want you to stick around for a while.
-Benoit dropkicked TBS on the knee. Which was followed by a Rock DDT.
-Benoit got the Crossface on the Big Show. Ross called it the "DEADLIEST SUBMISSION MOVE IN THE WWF!!!" (HAW!!! right... and the "Patterson Buttclench" is a walk in the frickin' PARK!!!)
-Rocky gave Benoit the Sharpshooter... after giving him the Spinebuster. Jericho broke that up.
-Jericho put Rocky in the Walls of Jericho. The Show was back in.
-Benoit and TBS were tossed out. Jericho took a few breaths... then turned around and was hooked right into a "Rock Bottom"... Rocky wins.
-No post match nonsense... no f-ing around. Rocky simple mounted the second rope, pumped his fist... and stared at Angle. Angle stared back. Ross screamed, "Smackdown" four more times... and...
-The show ended.
Business as usual here. Nothing to go nuts about. I hear Nitro went all sorts of Old School... let's go and find out!
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