And Another Thing: What Would Jesus Do? (in WCW)
Posted by Hyatte on 01.01.2000
The long awaited sequel to the most talked about column I’ve ever written.
The one everyone talks about was “What Would Jesus Do (in the WWF). It’s in the archives, as if the very brief “WWJD (in ECW)”. This one belongs in the middle.
Really, this is my favorite one of the three, because I managed to keep Bischoff’s booking, and the personalities of the characters--both on air and off--in perfect pitch.
Plus, it’s got Duggan’s cancer, Owen Hart, and lots of Bob Ryder goofing. What’s not to like?
These days, columnists are creating their OWN columns about “Wrestling Jesus”. They suck. This is the original, and the best.
(originally presented January, 2001: 411 wrestling)
Note: For purposes of this story, I have pulled fragments from the long, twisting journey that WCW has taken over the last few years and amalgamated them into one linear year. I also structured it so that each WCW PPV was held on the last week of each month, with the Nitro following any PPV being at the top of the next month. So, forgive the chronological disorder.
Also, to further help keep the current WCW perspective alive, I will only use current WCW stars, or at least stars not affiliated with either the WWF or ECW at this time. Thus, Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Eddie Guerrero, Saturn, Chris Jericho, Raven, and the Giant are not included.
Eric Bischoff had a problem.
WCW was being beaten in the ratings by the Monday Night Raw powerhouse to the point where his network bosses at TNT were started to breathe a little too heavily down his neck. House show attendance was down, as was locker room moral. The company, which grossed more the one hundred million dollars the previous year was NWO showing signs of sinking into the red. Even the surprise return of the Ultimate Warrior for this year’s Halloween Havoc pay per view rematch against “Hollywood” Hulk Logan was not generating much interest. Bischoff knew that he needed something new to excite the audience and lure them away from the WWF product. He had all the big stars, he had all the most famous names in the business, so what could he do that would put them all in unique places and interesting shorelines. With time running fast and a locker room in desperate need of leadership, Bischoff did what all Presidents of multi-million dollar corporations do. He went hunting for two weeks.
It was there, in the untamed wilds of Montana, when it came to him. As he watched the life drain from the eyes of the squirrel he just blasted off it’s tree limb, as he began ruminating about life, death, Heaven, Hell, Hogan, and driving a stake in Vince McMahon’s heart it all came to him in a sudden rush of brilliance. The answer to WCW’s prayers. He got on his cell phone and made some calls.
After a couple of months, he had two more contracts added to the WCW roster. Then, Bischoff set about doing what no one in their right mind thinks he does best.
Bischoff began to plan.
Whether intentional or not, the Internet caught wind of the news first.
Bob Ryder, actually, began dropping smug hints that WCW had just made “two major signings with two impact players”. Bob dropped whatever credibility he may have had left and all but guaranteed that this will reverse the ratings drought and send WCW back to number one, “where it belongs”. Bob never directly said who was coming, but teased the readers mercilessly as to who they were. “WCW’s PRAYERS have been answered”, “WCW is in for a HELL of a ride!”, “Only GOD knows what the next year will bring WCW!”, “Vince McMahon will have a DEVIL of a time coping with this” were only a few of the morbid lines Ryder dropped during the two weeks before Starrcade. Finally, Dave Meltzer and Wade Keller both grew sick and tired of Ryder’s, “I’ve Got a Secret” shtick and officially broke the news, WCW had hired Satan and Jesus Christ to wrestle for the company. No, not actors. Not a pair of third rate Independent Grunts. The real McCoys. The Fallen Angel and the Son of God Himself to one year deals.
The Internet couldn’t hold this news, it exploded onto the mainstream like a fury. Every columnists, radio host, pontificator, and celebrity had something to say of the matter. Bischoff demanded a blanket “No Comment” from his WCW employees and surprisingly, they listened.
Of course, Ryder was furious that his big scoop was taken away from him, so he set about trying to convince people that this story is WRONG and there were no such signings. He assured us that 1wrestling.com will be the FIRST to report this when it actually happens, and not to speculate on rumors.
Starrcade was held on the last Sunday in December. As usual, it was a typically bad WCW PPV. Its featured main event was Bret Hart challenging Hulk Hogan for the WCW world title with Sting as the special guest referee. It ended with Bret dropping the Sharpshooter just as Hogan was about to tap out and attacking Sting for no reason. Bret and Hulk double-teamed the Stinger, until he was out cold. Then the entire NWO, Bischoff, Hall, Nash, Savage, Vincent, Konan, Brian Adams, Scott Norton, and Buff Bagwell came out to celebrate their new member. Hart grabbed the mic and yelled that he was sick and tired of Sting screwing him by using his finisher move and calling it a dopey name. Then Hogan said that he was “God” and announced that the world should be celebrating HIS birth on Christmas. They spray painted Sting’s back and the show ended. Not once did any of the announcers or talent even breathed a word about Jesus or Satan.
The Nitro following Starrcade featured more of the same. Hogan and the NWO began the show with an interview segment that culminated in a challenge by Dallas Page and ended the Christmas edition of the show by singing “Happy Birthday” to Hulk over DDP's laid out body. Somewhere in the middle of the show, JJ Dillon threw out a small tease to Gene Okerlund and said, “So, Hollywood thinks he’s God, huh? Well, I think there are one or two folks who might say different. Let me work on this and get back to you.”
The word knew what was coming, but WCW still played dumb on the matter. Bob Ryder insisted that it was all lies and rumors.
The first week of January began an earnest push for Souled Out which was to star Hogan vs. Page on the top. For the first two weeks, WCW ignored all the speculation and hyperbole, and instead carried on as if there was nothing going on. The Announcers, Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Bobby Heenan, all swore up and down that something special would happen, but refused to go into what. Bischoff continued to smile brightly whenever he came out with Hogan, but kept quiet.
Meanwhile, Goldberg was on his massive streak, Hall and Nash were goofing around, and Ric Flair had blown off “Worldwide” tapings because his son, Reid, had been run over by a bus and had every bone in his body broken. Bischoff suspended him indefinitely, citing that wrestlers can take emergency leave for only “special” reasons. Flair turned around and sued WCW. It would be a while before we heard from Flair again.
“Souled Out” was standard fare. All night, the announcers promised, vowed, swore up and down on a stack of Bibles (we saw a handtruck filled with them be rolled out and watched all three place their right hands on them) that something incredible was about to happen. Something that will “change the landscape of this great sport of ours forever!”
Hogan defeated Page after Bret Hart knocked out guest ref Roddy Piper and gave Hogan a chair to use on Page. After the match, Hogan and the NWO were all in the ring. Hogan grabbed the mic and said that all should bow before him and worship at his feet, for he… was… GOD!!
At that moment, the lights dimmed, blue light shot from everywhere and nowhere. Schiavone forgot his orders and screamed, “IS THIS IT?? IS THIS WHAT ALL THE TALK HAS BEEN ABOUT?? COULD THIS BE WHAT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR??
Sting appeared in the rafters, watching Hogan with his obligatory glumness. Tony yelled, MY GOD!! IT’S… Sting? It’s just Sting? Well zip-pa-dee-doo-dah… OH, I MEAN IT’S STING!!! STING IS HEEEEEERE!!!” The show ended like that.
The next night on Nitro, Bischoff and Hogan opened the show by promising a surprise for Sting, if he showed up. Naturally, this became the only thing the Announcers could talk about all night long. One note: as he stepped out of his dressing room to fight Wrath, Goldberg was attacked by Doug Dillenger from behind with a sledgehammer. Dillenger didn’t gimmick the shot either, he swung hard and connected with the back of Goldberg’s head with as much force as he had. Dillenger was put in cuffs and was arrested, during which he muttered, “he’s here, he’s here, he’s here” and giggling like a pedofile. Goldberg was rushed to a Hospital. Reports have it that he was so close to death, they called in a Rabbi.
After the final match, which was Savage and Hart beating Luger and Piper thanks to a full NWO run in, Hogan got on the mic and again called himself God. Once again, the lights dimmed, blue light splashed everywhere, Schiavone was more cautious this time, but still screamed, “WHAT’S GOING ON?? WHO COULD IT BE??”
Suddenly, Sting appeared at the top of the rafters, looking as solemn as ever. Hogan and Bischoff started to laugh at him. Schiavone, “WHY ARE THEY LAUGHING?? WHAT’S GOING ON HERE???”
Suddenly, we see Brutus “The Disciple” Beefcake sneaking up on Sting on the rafters. He smiled at the crowd and motioned that he was going to push Sting off. Sting didn’t see him coming. Tenay screamed, “LOOK OUT STING!! LOOK NEXT TO YOU!!
Just as the Disciple was within reach, a fireball exploded in the space between them. Sting and the Disciple looked at it in fear, amazement, and total shock. The fireball formed itself into a human shape, then solidified into a creature, a large creature with bright red skin, large horns on top of his head, and a jet black goatee. The creature grabbed the Disciple and LAUNCHED him off the rafters, where he fell 90 feet and crashed face first onto the concrete. Hogan broke all kayfabe and screamed, “ED??? ED?? OH NO, NOT AGAIN!!”
The creature looked at Sting. Sting stared at him in amazement. The creature pointed at the NWO in the ring, then pointed at Sting and himself. Sting looked down at the NWO, then looked back at the creature and smiled. The creature stuck out his hand. Sting mulled it over. Tony screamed, “IF THAT IS WHO WE THINK IT IS… IF THE RUMORS WERE TRUE, THEN IS STING ABOUT TO MAKE DEAL WITH… WITH… THE DEVIL??? DON’T DO IT STING!!! DOOOON’T.
Sting took the creature’s hand and shook it. Hogan and Bischoff threw fits.
Then, the creature yanked Sting by the hand and threw HIM off the rafter too. The crowd grew silent in complete shock. The creature put his hand on his hips and laughed deeply. Hogan stared at the two bodies laid out on the ground, then looked up at this creature and was speechless. Bischoff acted amazed, but couldn’t quite hide the wide grin on his face. Kevin Nash was in the ring with the rest of the NWO too… but he didn’t look shocked.
He watched the creature up there very carefully, and seemed to be making plans of his own.
The next day, every single newspaper had the headline, “THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA”. Immediately, sales of Charlie Daniels back albums skyrocket. Daniels used the newfound notoriety wisely and stared his own Psychic Hotline
The first Nitro of the month opened with “Mean” Gene Okerlund bringing out this creature to “get the facts straight”! The creature came out with his first “Missionary”, Doug Dillenger. He was wearing a shirt that had, “BITE ME, GOD” on it.
In the ring, Okerlund said, “NWO, a lot of people have been wondering just who you are. So let me just ask straight out, are you the Devil!” The creature looked at him and asked,
“Who?” Okerlund snapped, “Don’t play games with me! Are you Satan? Lucifer? The Fallen Angel? Ol’ Nick Scratch? Are you Evil Incarnate?”
The creature looked at Okerlund calmly and said, “I have many names, if it pleases you to call me Satan, then you may!”
Suddenly, Bischoff and Hogan stepped out from behind the curtain and stood at the entrance way. Bischoff got on the mic and said, “Now, I don’t know who you think you are, but…”
Both Satan and Okerlund said something at once. Satan glared at Okerlund and said, “Don’t EVER cut me off!” Okerlund shot back, “Listen pal, don’t you talk to me like tha…” Dillenger produced his sledge hammer and pounded Okerlund right on the bald melon. Gene went down.
Turning back to Bischoff, Satan said, “You know who I am, bitch! Your boss, Ted Turner knows who I am! Both of you signed a certain contract with me a few years ago! So let’s not play any games!” Bischoff became speechless, turned beat red, and began to sweat-hard-so hard that black dye began to run down his cheeks and forehead. The announcers, under orders not to ever comment on their boss’s unnaturally ebony hair, called this a “despicable act of evil!!”. Bischoff turned around and ran backstage. Hogan watched him, then looked back at Satan and said, “Nice trick, braah.” Satan just shrugged his shoulders, more than willing to take credit.
Hogan said, “Now I do know who you are, and I also know that I have had no past dealing with you. The only Devil I’ve worked with is a certain promoter from New York!”
Satan, “Ah yes, he owes me a debt or two, as well!”
Both men laughed, mischievously. Schiavone snickered, “Worse kept secret in the business, folks!”
Hogan continued, “Now, maybe you know who I am, but in case you didn’t… I am GOD in this business! And if you don’t step in line and join the NWO, these twenty foot pythons will send your serpent butt out of the WCW Garden of Eden and you will know what it’s like to walk in the shadow of the valley of death! Hollywood rules this Eden, Brah!”
Satan said, “we’ll see about that.” Then he and Dillenger dropped their pants and peed on Okerlund’s dead body.
Backstage, Meltzer reported that Satan was upset that his first promo was wrecked by
Hogan. He also reports that Kevin Nash was getting very chummy with him, showing him around and introducing him to everyone.
Satan spent the rest of the month in the rafters, seen during only specific matches involving Savage, Hart, Page, Luger, and the Outsiders. The announcers and the Internet speculated that he was about to build his own “NWO”… word got out that it would be called, the “FGWO”… “F-God World Order”. Turner spin doctors hastily explained to millions of devout Christians that “God” refers to Hogan.
The PPV that month was Uncensored. The main event featured Hogan vs Page. Hogan made a big deal out of having Savage be in his corner, in case Satan interfered. After about five minutes, Satan came out. He smiled at Savage. Savage rolled into the ring and attacked Hogan. After giving him the top rope elbow, Savage pointed at Page. Satan walked to ringside and held his arms out. Page gave Savage the “Diamond Cutter”, then jumped out of the ring. Pausing briefly to eyeball Satan with a “Will he or won’t he” look on his face.
Meanwhile, Hogan got up and pinned Savage to keep his belt. The announcers pretended that this was a three way dance the whole time. Schiavone screamed, “WHAT WILL HAPPEN ON NITRO??? TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!!!”
On the Internet, Keller reports that Page is booked to join Satan’s growing army. He was supposed to win the world title, but Hogan refused to put him over at the last minute. Ryder announces that WCW has just signed Satan and that 1wrestling.com was the first to officially verify this story.
People around the world speculate when they will bring out Jesus. The growing feeling is that Hogan will join with him to combat Satan’s army.
Satan, Savage, and Dillenger open the following Nitro. Savage takes the mic first and growls, “OOO, yeah, freak out FREAK OUT!! Hogan!! The Macho Man is done with you!! Dig it. You’ve been on my back for too long, oooo yeah… NWO I’m gonna show the world that it’s always been the Macho Man!! I hooked up with the lesser of two evils and my eyes are wide open!! OOOO YEAH!!” He tried to say more, but he had crapped his pants.
Satan got on the stic and said this was ONLY the beginning, and before the end of the night, he will have DDP in his army. He officially called his army the “FGWO”, to no one’s surprise.
Hogan stepped out again with Bischoff, with hair that had gone dead white. Hogan told Savage that both of them have paid dearly for the ferry ride across the river Styxx, but if Randy insists on turning his back on the ways of the Napa Yi tribe, then Hollywood will be more than happy to put on the strap and whip him like the Judas that he is. Savage agreed and the Superbrawl main event was made. The fans groaned. They were waiting for the Hogan/Satan match… and instead got this retread.
Meanwhile, midway through the show, DDP came out and said that he has some hard choices to make, but assured us that SOMEONE will feel the “bang” before the night was over.
Nitro’s main event featured Page vs Curt Hennig. After Page pinned Curt, Satan came out and offered his hand to Page in friendship. Heenan screamed, “WATCH OUT FOR THIS GUY, PAGE!! HE’S THE DEVIL!!! AND I DON’T MEAN HE’S A FLASHY DRESSER!!” (and you wonder why they replaced him?).
Page took Satan’s hand, shook it, then jerked Satan forward and gave him the Diamond Cutter. Satan went down and stayed down. Page’s music played and he celebrated. Dillenger ran out with his mallet. Page dropped him. Savage ran out. Page left. Schiavone screamed, “DALLAS PAGE HAS OUTSMARTED THE DEVIL!!!!!”
On the next Thunder, Satan was to make his in-ring debut against Page at Superbrawl . The rest of the month was spent promoting this double main event.
On the Internet, both Keller and Meltzer reported that Page threw a tantrum to Bischoff about joining the Satan army, so Eric agreed to let him stay a Face. Rumors ran rampant that Page was already refusing to put Satan over on the main event, and was demanding that he get the pinfall. Ryder called this, “absolute nonsense”.
At Superbrawl, Page pinned Satan cleanly after using the Diamond Cutter and Hogan pinned Savage in a “Yappa Pi” Strap match.
Jesus has yet to be seen or mentioned. People were now loudly asking why.
Hogan went on a three month vacation to film “Mr. Nanny II”. Satan recruited Rey Mysterio, Hugh Morrus, Glacier, Disco Inferno, Mongo, Curt Hennig and a whole bunch of other lower card workers. Billy Kidman joined the FGWO too, stating, “Well, my people did his dirty work 2000 years ago anyway, so why not?”
Satan sent Savage after Page for revenge after Superbrawl. Satan himself turned his attention to Bret Hart. In the weeks preceding Spring Stampede, Satan cut many promos to Bret, issuing heartfelt messages about how “I know what you are going through! I feel your pain! God has turned his back on you! God has taken your Brother away! God has screwed you royally! Join me!! Let’s F-God TOGETHER!!!” Bret listened, but remained vague as to what he’ll do, simply agreeing the there was a lot of scum in the back and he’s been screwed plenty of times in the past.
On one Nitro, Hacksaw Jim Duggan challenged Satan to a match, Satan agreed. The announcers freaked out over this being Satan’s in-ring Nitro debut. It was the main event of the evening. After waiting through an inexplicable chant of “U.S.A”… they circled each other. Hacksaw paused and gave the thumbs up to the crowd. Satan grabbed him by the face and French kissed him deeply. Heenan said, “WOW!! THE PRINCE OF EVIL IS A HOMO, TOO?” Then admitted that it actually made perfect sense.
Satan broke the kiss. Duggan backed away and started to cough and spit. Suddenly, a pouch on the side of Hacksaw’s body began to bubble up. It grew wider and wider, ballooning up until it looked like he had a beachball in there. Then it exploded. Hacksaw went down in a bloody heap. A mound of pale, bloody matter started to swirl and mold itself into the shape of a body. The body began to take form. Finally, it stood up, stuck it’s tongue out, and shouted, “HOOOOOO”. Satan grabbed the mic and said, “Well Hacksaw Duggan, you bragged about beating Cancer?? Get ready for the REMATCH!!!” The show ended with Satan and Duggan’s Cancer beating the crap out of poor Jim.
Spring Stampede had Page beating Savage in the main event. Duggan’s Cancer beat the living crap out of Duggan, and Hall and Nash fought Satan and Curt Hennig to a double DQ. The Internet was screaming about how badly Bischoff was booking Satan. The general consensus was that the first four months of the “Satan/Jesus Era” was one tremendous F-up. Rumors had it that TNT wasn’t pleased with things either. Nitro was gaining on Raw but hadn’t beaten them yet. Ryder called it “brilliant booking”
Word got out that Jesus was seen backstage, and that Bischoff wasn’t quite sure what to do with him yet.
With no Hogan, the NWO was put aside and the FGWO become the dominant Heel unit. Kevin Nash became Satan’s backstage pal, full time... yet badmouthed him to everyone else while his back was turned. Roddy Piper was brought back to fight Satan at Slamboree. In the weeks leading up to the PPV, Piper said Satan reminded him of “Boy George”, a “Miami Vice wannabe”, and “Max Headroom”. Bret Hart was named guest ref. The announcers sold the show as “What will Bret do?”, which virtually guaranteed a screwjob finish. Satan promised a big surprise for Bret at the show.
Meanwhile, Page and Savage’s war continued, a cage match at the PPV was set. Bischoff began a mini-feud with Dillenger over control of the WCW Security force.
At Slamboree, Page pinned Savage in the cage. Piper and Satan went at it for a staggering 8 minutes, then Piper put the Sleeper Hold on Satan. Satan didn’t look to happy about this, but still pretended to go down. Bret raised Satan’s arm twice, and was going for the third when…
“BRET!! STOP BRET!!”
Bret turned to the entrance way to see Owen Hart come bounding out from the back. Freshly resurrected, Owen was still deathly pale and was encrusted with dirt and slime. Worms, beetles, and maggots crawled through his hair and in and out of his mouth. Bret jumped out of the ring, ran to his Brother and they hugged. Tears flowed freely, well, Bret's tears. The impact from the hug caused one of Owen's rotten eyes to explode and seep down his cheek. Neither man seemed to notice.
Back in the ring, Piper broke the Sleeper and stared in amazement. Dillenger crawled out from under the ring, snuck up behind him, and swung his sledgehammer dead center into his good hip, shattering it completely. Satan got up and he and Dillenger peed on Hot Rod. The show ended with Bret and Owen still tearfully rejoicing.
The entire Owen angle was junked after the WWF filed a lawsuit against WCW stating that dead or alive, Owen Hart was still under WWF contract. Turner Execs had to pay a hefty settlement fee to Titan. Rumor has it that Ted Turner himself threw Bischoff into a room and screamed at him for 6 hours straight. Owen’s Slamboree appearance was edited from the replay, and never mentioned on WCW television. Bret was given a long vacation and wouldn’t be seen again for months.
Scrambling to make up for this scrapped storyline, The Great American Bash featured DDP and Karl Malone defeating Satan and Dennis Rodman, in a throwaway bout of celebrity stunt casting. Jay Leno was the guest ref. Some fans were so irate they actually demanded their money back, without even ordering the show to begin with.
Backstage, Net gossip had Hogan bitching to Bischoff that Satan will have all his Heel heat when he comes back. Nash, meanwhile, has become an influential member of the Booking team and gave himself a US title reign to go with his tag team belt. Nash still remains tight with Satan, but he and Hogan can be seen goofing on Satan whenever he’s not around.
Another rumor had it that Page was using his influence over Bischoff to keep Christ out of the storyline because he wanted to be the top Face of the company.
The Nitro following The Great American Bash was a busy one. Satan brought out the entire FGWO and cut a promo about how “God is dead” and that he rules wrestling now and that there was “no one to stop him”. The Announcers started to eagerly wonder if NOW was the time for “someone” to finally show up? Bash at the Beach was one of WCW’s biggest PPVs going, so it would make sense if something “big” would happen… they never said Jesus’s name… but the insinuations were loud and clear.
Instead, Page came out and challenged Satan to a match later that night. Satan laughed, saying that Page would be all alone. Bischoff and the rest of the NWO, except for Hall and Nash, came out with Page and said that although Page was NOT a member, he has reached a “truce” with the stable. The NWO became huge Faces for the night. Satan encouraged them to “bring it on”. The main event became a Lumberjack match.
It was truly a loaded Nitro as Randy Savage fought Kevin Nash for the US title just before the main event. Nash was soundly trouncing the Macho Man until the FGWO ran out and caused the DQ. This brought out Hall and the rest of the NWO. It became a huge brawl. Bischoff ran out with a “personal security force” and mixed it up with Dillenger and his WCW Staff, all clearly the missionaries of Satan. This riot was cleared out just in time for the main event.
Satan and Page went at it tooth and nail. Satan was clearly getting the upperhand on Page, until it broke down into a legitimate pounding. Satan kept trying to pin Dallas, but Page kept kicking out and motioning Satan with his arms to “bring it”. The Announcers dutifully sold it as a “Rocky” gimmick. Tony screamed, “STOP THE MATCH!! HOW CAN PAGE TAKE ANYMORE!! JUST STOP THE DAMN MATCH!!” Heenan quipped, “Page is tougher than a second-hand pair of clam diggers!” He was demoted to Worldwide duty later on that week. Mark Madden was introduced to the world as their new color man.
Finally, Page hit the Diamond Cutter and went for the pin. Savage scooted in the ring and broke it up. This started another riot.
Suddenly, “Voodoo Chile” came on the loudspeakers and Hollywood Hogan ran out and helped clean house, the face-off between him and Satan was teased, but never happened. Amid all this, a spotlight shone on the rafters, and we see STING there, watching…observing. Tony, “IT’S STING, IT’S STING!!! WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW???” The show ended.
In the following weeks, Bash at the Beach shaped up to be huge. Hogan was finally going to take Satan on for the strap. The two spent the rest of the month cutting huge promos against each other. Savage and Page would team to fight Hall and Nash for the tag belts. Also, Bischoff booked himself to fight Dillenger for the souls of the WCW non-wrestling staff. Also, Sting would fight… himself.
It happened on the last Nitro before the PPV. After two weeks of “rafter watch”, Sting had finally flown down off them and landed in the ring during a FGWO beatdown on Hogan. As he cleaned satanic house with his bat, Dillenger snuck up behind him with his sledgehammer. He raised it over his head and was about to swing down when Satan grabbed it out of his hands and shook his head wildly “NO”. Sting swung around and faced the Beast. Satan shook his head “no” again, then swung the sledgehammer directly and forcefully into Sting’s gut. Red sparks flew on impact. Sting split into two people and both fell on the mat. Suddenly, there were TWO Stings in the ring. One that looked like the Crow guy we have grown used to, and the “Surfer” Sting from yesteryear. Both Stings got up and looked at each other. Satan attacked the Surfer Sting. After some hesitance, the Crow Sting joined him. That ended Nitro .
On the next Thunder, the Surfer Sting cuts a huge promo about how “He doesn’t know what happened, but either way, “I’m BACK!! OWWWW”. Satan and the Crow Sting came out. Satan challenged the Surfer to a “Soul Match” at Bash at the Beach … Bad Sting vs Good Sting… with the winner becoming the dominant personality.
Of course, the Internet SCREAMED that they just did this with Duggan and his “Cancer” three months ago. Bob Ryder staunchly defended the angle, calling it “Apples and Oranges”.
Bash at the Beach was a thrill ride. Hall and Nash defeated Savage and Page in a squeaker after Nash got a jackknife on Savage and the clean pin. Both Stings fought to a solid 20 minutes before Dillenger and Jim Duggan's Cancer came out. Dillenger distracted the ref while Duggan's Cancer, who had taken Duggan's standard "U.S.A" and twisted it into "NO CURE TODAY!!! HOOOOO", ran in and deep kissed the Surfer Sting. The Surfer writhed on the ring, screaming in agony as his head started to swell from Brain Cancer. The Crow Sting had an easy pin, but instead just stood there a moment, watching. Duggan's Cancer pointed at the Surfer and shouted, "HOOOOOO".
The Crow grabbed his baseball bat and walloped Duggan's Cancer. Instead of pinning Surfer, he hugged him tightly. The two Stings merged back into one, the same guy we've had for the last couple of years. Tony tearfully shouted, "STING IS BA-ACK!!! STING IS BAA-AA-AACK!", then sobbed openly. Although never addressed, the general understanding was that Sting's absolute love for himself drove away the cancer, which makes this the first time in WCW history that a wrestler's narcissism actually worked FOR the company.
Meanwhile, Bischoff and Dillenger went at it second from the top. Bischoff gave his match 45 minutes. So, fan's spent three quarters of an hour watching two flabby men suck air and no sell each other's punches. Bischoff eventually won and celebrated in the ring as if he was Mark McGwire after 82. His first order of business to his reclaimed WCW staff was to padlock the doors and escort the fans back to their seats for the main event.
Satan came to the ring first. Hogan came out second. The fans cheered Hulk as if it was 1983 all over again. This was the most anticipated match of the year... so it had better be GOOD!!
The match went 11 minutes. It was classic Hogan. First he controls, then he puts over Satan for the middle act, When the Ref went down, Hogan took the cue and started to "Hulk Out". The fans were in a frenzy, pumping Hogan up as he "hulked" out over Satan's clubbing forearms.
Suddenly, Randy Savage charged out and climbed to the ring apron. He grabbed a mic on the way and yelled into it, "HOGAN!!! I'VE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME FOR THIS, OOO YEAH!!! FREAK OUT, FREAK OUT, NOW I GET SOME REVENGE FOR BEING YOUR BITRCH ALL THESE YEARS!!!" Savage threw down the mic and charged the ring. Him and Satan beat the crud out of Hogan, then Savage laid him out with the Flying Elbow. Savage shook awake the Ref and ducked out of the ring. The Ref saw Satan pinning Hogan and counted one... two...
Satan left the pin and stood up. Schiavone was in a stupor. "What... WHAT IS HE DOING??" Savage held out his arms in confusion and yelled, "What's the matter with you?"
Satan stood there, smiling. Hogan calmly got up. Walked over to Satan, poked his finger lightly on Satan's chest. Satan fell down hard. Hogan pinned Satan and retained his title. The fans, the Announcers, Savage... they all freaked. Satan lept to his feet and shook Hogan's hand. They hugged in triumph. Tony, "WE WERE... WE WERE SCAMMED ALL ALONG!!! WE WERE SWERVED FROM DAY ONE!!! DAMN THAT HOGAN!!"
Hogan grabbed a mic and screamed, "TWO YEARS AGO I STOOD IN THIS VERY RING ON THIS VERY DAY AND TOLD YOU TO STICK IT!! TWO YEARS AGO I STOOD IN THIS VERY RING AND TOLD YOU THAT I KNEW HOW TO DEAL WITH DEVILS!!! YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME!! WELL, BELIEVE ME NOWWW!" Then Satan grabbed the mic and said to Savage, "Sorry, Macho... but I don't deal with Hogan's LEECHES!!!!!" Savage, being the idiot that he is, attacked both men. He finished the night in a Hospital bed.
The Internet was 99% against this, citing it was just Hogan getting in good with Satan for another excuse to stay on top. 1% applauded Bischoff for his "breathtakingly ingenious storytelling." Guess who said it.
Rumor now had it that Jesus was NEVER signed by WCW. Bischoff himself went on the Jay Leno show and told the world that Jesus is ready and eager to get going... Eric is "just waiting for the perfect moment!"
The Nitro following Bash at the Beach had Hogan explaining that they had planned on this since day 1. Satan acknowledged that Hogan really was "God". Hogan said that the NWO and the FGWO would now form into one group called the GDWO ("God Damned World Order"), because Hogan was SUCH a terrible heel that he "damns" everyone to follow him into the valley of shadow's death... or what not. Most of the NWO and the FGWO piled up into the group, including Dillenger and Bischoff, who joined forces with gleeful aplomb. The only two hold-outs were Hall and Nash. Later this month, they officially disassociated from Hogan and Bischoff and went back to their "Outsider" routes.
Also this month, WCW's Lawyers' finally managed to bleed Ric Flair's wallet dry. So he decided to come back in a tearful in-ring ceremony. After being introduced by Arn Anderson, Flair came out in a full Tuxedo. He weeped a bit at the huge pop, and acknowledged a sign that read, "FLAIR IS THE REAL JESUS". After thanking the crowd for their kindness over the years, Flair began to rail viciously against Eric Bischoff. Flair ranted about Bischoff treatment of legacy, history, and of the Horsemen. It was the best damn promo he ever cut.
Suddenly, Bischoff came out with a microphone. He screamed, "THIS IS MY SHOW FLAIR, AND YOU'RE THROUGH!!" Flair screamed, "YOU'RE A FRAUD, YOU'RE A SCAM, YOU'RE A NO-GOOD, LYING, SONOFABITCH!!!" Then Flair started to yell about how much he hates his guts!! "FIRE ME, I'M ALREADY FIRED!! FIRE ME, I'M ALREADY FIRED!!"
Satan came out to join Eric. He took Bischoff's mic and asked, "Times have changed, old man!!"
Flair, "The ride might be old, but it still has the longest lines, Pal!! WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOO"
Satan, "Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?"
Flair, "I know you buddy!! You offered me a deal back when my back was broken!! I turned you away then, and I'm turning you away now!! WHOO WHOO WHOO WHOOO"
Satan snapped his fingers and Flair was suddenly turned into an Anteater. The Anteater scurried around the ring a bit, then jumped out. Dillenger pounced on it with a giant sack. He carried the writhing sack backstage, and outside... letting it go out into the night to begin it's new life. The Anteater vanished in the woods. Because no one thought the Insurance company would buy this story, WCW allowed Flair's wife to tell Met Life that her Husband dropped dead from a Heart Attack during a House show. They filled a casket with 230 pounds worth of rocks and held a mock funeral... closed casket, of course.
After Dillenger released the Flairnteater, Bischoff held a mop out to Arn Anderson and asked, "Don't you have work to do?" The audience sobbed in sympathy and pity as Arn got out of the ring, grabbed the mop, and headed to the backstage stalls. He tried to take off his Tux, but Bischoff wouldn't let him. Arn could never make eye contact with anyone ever again.
What do you get when you mix 5'000 bikers, one Prince of all that is Unholy, and a WCW PPV? You get one PPV that was canceled mid-way through the opening match after the bikers stormed the ring in force and a gigantic brawl erupted. The few people
who ordered it were re-imbursed.
September and October
WCW fell into a bit of a lull here. Hogan and Satan dominated the company. Bischoff smiled brightly. Savage lost every match he was in. Sting worked sporadically. Fall Brawl had Hogan and Satan win the tag titles from Hall and Nash after Satan baited Hall with some high end cocaine and the poor shmuck OD'ed in the ring. Nash was so concerned that he was easy pickings. Coincidentally, Hogan and Satan learned that Nash was badmouthing both of them to each other for months. So they started badmouthing Nash to
Bischoff. His booking suggestions started to find themselves ignored. Nash started to glom around with Page soon after.
Bischoff promised the press that Jesus was coming soon... very, very soon. The press said, "We won't hold our breath."
Halloween Havoc had Hogan, Bischoff, and Satan defeat Nash, Page, and Sting after Page fell to a Bischoff boot and was pinned cleanly. Seeing how Page was booked in almost every single PPV main event that year, he let his Boss pin him with a huge smile.
Another footnote that came from this period was that Scott Hudson replaced Mark Madden as main color man. It didn't take long for Madden to try to suck up to Satan backstage. Satan turned him down flat. Feeling scorned, Madden started taking inside shots at Satan during broadcasts, "Well, we all know that Satan knows how to take a fall! Remember that bump he took after God threw him out of Heaven, Tony?" "You know what they say about guys with big horns Tony, they really BLOW in the sack!!" Finally, during one Thunder, Satan and Bischoff came out and entered the ring with a mic. Satan invited Madden to enter. When Madden refused, Bischoff ordered him to enter. Madden finally did.
In the ring, Satan said, "You got a big mouth on you, don't you?"
Madden replied, "I'm a Heel, so of course I do"
Satan, "You are no Heel, you are an Announcer! A big, fat, disgusting Announcer!!"
Madden turned beet red. Satan looked at Madden and said, "You've got a big belly on you too, boy. Do you know what Irony is?"
Madden said no. So Satan said, "Well, get ready to LEARN!" and kicked Madden square in the gut. Madden doubled over in pain and started to wretch. Finally, he vomited a huge pile of partially digested food... bread, hamburger, pizza, chocolate, peanut butter, all the crap. Pretty soon, there was a good, solid steaming pile of gunk on the mat. Satan snapped his fingers and said, "Dinner TIME!!" The pile of food shivered, then jumped on Madden. Madden tried to scream, but the puke filled his mouth... fans grew sick as the vomit turned to acid and burned Madden down to nothing... then the puke flew up and soared out of the building. Satan proudly screamed, "HEY LOOK, MADDEN WAS EATEN BY HIS OWN DINNER!!! THAT'S SOME IRONY FOR YOU!!" Satan and Bischoff left. Schiavone and Tenay both agreed that it was one Hell of a poetic end for the big guy.
The first Nitro of November was standard fare with two exceptions. The month's PPV, World War Three, was to feature a huge, three ring, 60 man battle royal. This time out, the teams would be clearly defined and everyone in the GDWO against everyone NOT in the GDWO. The Announcers cooked this up as a ticking time bomb, ready to EXPLODE!!
The other exception was that all the slots for this battle royal were accounted for, except for two. The Announcers hyped this up as a HUGE mystery, and spent every solid minute of WCW airtime debating over who those two mystery wrestlers could possibly be.
World War Three had a respectable undercard, and a wild title match between Hogan and Nash that ended with Satan interfering and causing the DQ. Nash was tuned on, but not badly enough to keep him out of the Battle Royal.
The Royal was 58 people spread out in three rings fighting away until only 10 remained from each. After 30 minutes of sluggish brawling, the entire roster of the GDWO were the only ones left. Bischoff got on the stick and said that there was now way he would allow his team to start slugging it out, and declared the Battle Royal over!! Schiavone screamed, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LAST TWO??? WHO WERE THE LAST TWO???"
A blinding light came out from the backstage... music no one has heard in AGES came out... bold, triumphant, stirring music....
Schiavone, "COULD IT BE??? COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?????"
GOLDBERG stepped out, allowed himself to be bathed in bright sparkles... then marched to the ring. Following behind him was someone else... someone in a long, white robe.
Someone with flowing brown hair, sharp features, beard, mustache... and a peaceful smile...
The announcers were too focused on Goldberg, who entered the ring and speared everyone in sight... much to the total BEWILDERMENT of the Internet, after each Spear,
Goldberg paused to look sharply into the camera, and the entire GDWO stood there like idiots and allowed it.
Finally, it was Goldberg alone with Hogan and Satan. They moved in on the big guy. The fellow in the white robe reached in and yanked Satan out of the ring. Satan fell to the floor, got up and yelled, "WHO WOULD DARE???" He took one look at the guy and moaned, "Aw shit!" Satan turned tail and ran out of there.
Goldberg speared Hogan and gave him the jackhammer. He pinned Hogan. The audience went berserk. Tenay reminded us that this was NOT a world title match. The show ended with Goldberg back in WCW and the long haired fellow in the robe at ringside, smiling brightly. Tony barely had time to off-handedly remark, "Who is that, anyway?"
The world rejoiced, sort of. FINALLY, Jesus made his WCW debut. Yet, why did it take Bischoff 11 months after signing him to finally bring him in? Both Christ and Satan's contracts were up on the last day of the month? What was Bischoff THINKING?
The folks at Turner were wondering that too. For you see, although they came very, very close a few times... even with the Son of God and the Angel of Darkness on the roster, Nitro was never able to quite beat Raw in the ratings. Internet scribes... well, one Internet scribe... well, Bob Ryder... who declared that Vince McMahon controls the ratings and vowed to launch a full-out investigation to prove it. The Investigation is still running to this day. Just ask him.
The first Nitro after World War Three opened with Goldberg coming out with his new friend. Goldberg got on the stick and said that although Hogan's title would be nice, he decided that a certain Evil Creature from the bowels of Hell would be a more fitting target for his return back. Staring hard into the camera, Goldberg rasped, "SATAN... YOU'RE NEXT!!!"
Goldberg's friend took the mic and said, "You know, lot of people have been running around here saying that they are 'God'... well, I'm here to say that there is only ONE God, and more importantly, there is only one SON of God... and that is..."
Hogan and Satan came out with Bischoff. Satan got on the microphone and yelled, "You shouldn't have come here, kiddo!!! This isn't the place for you. You're a man of PEACE!!"
Hogan grabbed the mic and said, "Lemme tell ya' somethin' Braah!! You might think you know pain and agony from that little crucifixition thing a few years back, but if you mess with GDWO business, baahther... you'll really know what being forsaken is all about!!"
At this point, Goldberg got on the stick and said, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA... this guy is NOT the Son of God!! This guy is NOT Jesus!!"
Jesus grabbed the mic and said, "Umm, Bill... yeah I am."
Goldberg refused to believe him. Hogan, Satan, and Bischoff walked away laughing. They faded away for commercials just as Goldberg was leaving the ring shaking his head. Jesus was following him saying, "No, I really am. I swear!"
Later on in the show, Goldberg was trouncing the crap out of Billy Kidman, all the while screaming, "HOW DARE YOU TURN YOUR BACK ON US!!! HOW DARE YOU BUY INTO THIS CRAP!!!" Kidman was turned into a bloody snotrag. Jesus came out to try to calm Goldberg down. He grabbed a mic and entered the ring. He layed his hand on Goldberg's shoulder and gently said "Bill..."
Without looking, Goldberg kicked out with a massive side thrust kick. Jesus's head ROCKED back. He spat out all the teeth that were on the left side of his mouth. Jesus went backwards up air, flew through the ropes, and crashed on the cement floor, the back of his head landing in a solid thud. Goldberg yelled, "SCREW YOU, FALSE PROFIT" and left the ring. The show ground to a halt for 45 minutes as Jesus was loaded up into a stretcher. Even without the mics on, Jesus was heard to yell, "GOLDBERG, WHY HAS THOU FORSAKEN ME?? WHY BILL, WHY??"
Later that week, it was reported that Christ sustained a huge concussion and would need massive facial reconstruction. Bischoff accused him of faking the injury and Fed-Exed him his official release from WCW. Keller reported that Page, Hogan, Satan, and Goldberg all ganged up on Eric and convinced him that Christ wasn't worth it. On the Internet, Bob Ryder wrote, "WCW paid this guy for doing nothing for almost a year and he pays them back by faking some silly injury? He should be crucified... AGAIN... that is, if he ever was to begin with!! Lying turd!"
Starrcade featured Hogan vs Dallas Page for the WCW heavyweight title. Goldberg took on Satan in a "Loser Leave Wrestling and Return to Hell" Match. It was almost common knowledge that Satan's contract was up after that night. Bob Ryder said "this is anyone's match!!"
As soon as Goldberg entered the ring, Satan stood in the center, held his arms out, closed his eyes, and said, "let's get this over with". Goldberg squashed Satan inside of 10 seconds.
Hogan and Page worked a semi-furious 12 minutes, then the GDWO ran out and screw jobbed the thing into a big Hogan DQ. After the match, Hogan got on the stick and announced that he was "God", now more than ever and since Satan is gone from WCW, they might as well bring back the NWO name. The Announcers screamed, "THE NWO IS BACK!!! THE NWO IS BACK!!! WE ARE IN FOR ONE HELL OF A NEW YEAR!! WCW IS BACK!!!"
One year later Jesus was interviewed by Dave Meltzer: Here are select passages from the transcripts:
Meltzer: Why did Bischoff keep you off camera for most of your time there?
Jesus: I don't know. I tell you Dave, I was ready to go from day 1.
Meltzer: Do you have anything to say to Goldberg?
Jesus: Yes. Get used to warm weather!
Meltzer: Anything to say to Hogan?
Jesus: Yes, don't make plans for February 6th, 2010.
Meltzer: Anything to say to Bischoff?
Jesus: Yes. You're an idiot.
Meltzer: During that year, with Satan working full time and everyone knowing that you could show up at any time, Nitro still failed to beat Raw on Monday nights. If they brought you in sooner, do you think you could have turned the company around?
Jesus: I'll tell you Dave. I helped part Red Seas, I turned water into wine, I took one fish and fed an army, I walked on water, and I came back from the dead. But when it comes to dealing with the egos, the headcases, and the astonishingly selfish paranoids in that locker room. I have to say... with all honesty... that there may be some miracles that not even
Jesus Christ can perform.
Meltzer: Thank you Jesus. Thank you so much.
And so it goes
This is Hyatte too