(Part 1 not available on Wayback Machine as of this writing - http://web.archive.org/web/20010215101557/http://411wrestling.com/mopup/headlines/92.shtml)
(Part 2- 91.shtml)
Mop-Up Nitro 02.12.01
-Steiner backed into the corner, no doubt preparing for another dose of PAIN!!!! Shane Douglas crept up to the apron and waffled him with his cast. Steiner was stunned. Dustin popped up and hit him with a DDT... the Ref woke up. Dustin got the pin. Hudson screamed, "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?? YES, YES!!!!" (aw, shaddup!)
-Dustin left, watching the replay of the Shane interference on the FusientTron. He also saw that Animal and Rick Steiner were busy enacting revenge on Shane Douglas. He went back in to help... and was trounced.
-Steiner placed a chair over Shane's GOOD hand, climbed the top rope, and jumped on it, perhaps breaking that one too. (has ANYONE worn an arm cast more than Shane Douglas? I mean, other than that silly plastic thing that both Owen Hart and "Ace" Orton used? And don't forget that leather brace that defined "Iron" Mike Sharpe's career! Mike Sharpe... now THAT was a jobber who was almost a superstar)
-Backstage, Scott Steiner and Ric Flair watched the tape of Nash with David. Predictably, Steiner threw a tantrum... (Johnny Rodz he AIN'T)
-Flick Stripper came out with a microphone, (oh sweet Moses, no)
-He told us "dumb Americans" that this was "his house" and he "built this house" and if we were very good, he will give us a taste of "Prime Time". None of this deviated from the fact that he looks exactly like Todd Bridges
-Kidman came out... his name representing the inner struggle ALL males go through
-Chipper hit Kidman before he could even enter the ring... Kidman fought back. He got Pepper out and hit him with a baseball slide.
-They fought a while, Kidman tried a cross bodyblock (only it's called a "Cross Body DIVE" when it's a cruiserweight match) but totally missed and rolled out of the ring.
-Fluck theSkipper went for a Superplex, Kidman fought it and made it a sit down Powerbomb... the camera was close enough to show us that Kidman wears TommyBoy jeans (waiit... I thought only homos... wore... oh my God!)
-Several pin attempts followed, mostly on the part of Kidman. Crapper hit a huge backdrop, then waited for Kidman to get up. When he did, Spanker hit a MASSIVE ARM BAR!!! (oy). He tried for the "Leg on the head/big flip over/hit the befuddled opponent with a move designed to end the match" finisher (Oh, eat my wad)... Kidman moved around and turned it into a "Kid Crusher" (9 out of every 10 pedofiles swear by it). He scored el victorio.
-Jeeze... ain't a good night for the Black man... one HELL of a night for Bobby Walker's attorney... who must have about three legal pads FILLED with notes by now. (This company is about as unbiased as it is drug free, children... wake up)
-Okerlund had Hugh Morrus... who tried like Hell to convince us that fighting the Wall at Superbrawl was NOT a step down in his career. (key word is "tried")
-Steiner and his Chubby Bim attacked a WCW Employee for not knowing where Nash is. He NEVER learns.
-Flair is on the phone to his wife, who suddenly is very worried about the kid whom she did NOT pop out.
-Video package sold us on Kanyon and Page.
-Remember, Spring Breakout is COMING!... Party Gras is COMING!! According to my current betrothed, I haven't been able to get her COMING in several weeks. Lousy cooze.
-Shawn Stasiak took on Chuck Palumbo. I'll start caring when their WAY COOLER partners come out
-They never did.
-Next, or later... Steiner v Nash with David Flair's LIFE at stake!!!! (couldn't they just kill him anyway?)
-Dallas Page came out. Charging off course and running through the crowd
-He hits the ring and grabs a mic. "YO!!" (aw man... he ain't supposed to reference Hall... STOP PIDDLING ON THE RULES, DALLAS!!!!)
-He promoed his match with Jarrett, calling him a "Chosen Monkey" (isn't that how Howard Cosell got fired off Monday Night Football?) among other things.
-Page discussed Kanyon, discussing how Kanyon stole Page's look, book, gimmick, moves and music! AHEM... NIRVANA!!! SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT... I REMEMBER KURT COBAIN, AND I CARE!! (well, no, not really) WHO'S STEALING FROM WHO, AGAIN???
-Page ran down Kanyon some more... promising to get him over with the crowd no matter WHAT it takes. He even called Kanyon a "monkey" twice! (well... at least there's a grain of TRUTH there!)
-Jarrett came out... he hasn't been heard from in a couple of weeks (unless he got mic time on Thunder... but who watches THAT?)... so, naturally, he had two weeks worth of "Slapnuts" to get out... which he did, with VIGOR!!
-Kanyon ran out and tried to ambush Page. Page caught him with an elbow. Page took him out with a Diamond Cutter. Jarrett popped in and guitared him. You can splice together the rest of the story.
-Elsewhere, Steiner found Nash's hiding place... but No nash and No david (oops... and I am too lazy to hit the backspace button... but NOT too lazy to tell you that I'm too lazy to hit the backspace button... go figure... why am I channeling Zimmerman all of the sudden?)
-Steiner sees a monitor and sees Nash walking with David. Looks like it's MATCH TIME!!
-Nash came out with David Flair firmly in grasp. Didn't this gimmick bomb out when the Warrior tried it with Beefcake?
-They got in the ring, Nash knocked him down. Tony expressed sympathy for David.
-Flair came out and uttered Nash's name 4 times. He begged for his Son back.
-Kevin gave him a Powerbomb instead. Hudson yelled "GOOD NIGHT!" Millions switched to RAW (heh... still cracks me up... and me alone, probably)
-Ric screamed in empathetic agony... Scott Steiner came out and the PPV preview was ON!!!
-Nash attacked on the outside. Holy Crap... he actually started off the match WITHOUT THE KNEELIFT!!!!
-They got back into the ring... Steiner was punked into a corner... kneelifts galore... (ah, we're back to normal!)
-The big guy tossed the other big guy around. Elsewhere, Flair loaded his son into a Limo and ordered his crew to "kill Nash, NOW!!"
-Meanwhile, Steiner assumed some control. He kept it awhile.
-The crew ran out to end Nash's life. Miller, Dustin, Page, and AL ISAACS ran out to keep them at bay!! (Wow, he IS connected!! I NEVER should have left him)
-Nash fought back and gave Steiner a sidewalk slam. Big Boot... off came the straps...
-Ric Flair came out... he hit the ring and assaulted Nash. Nash no sol... oops, he'd rather I not mention his name anymore... REFUSED to sell the blows (so much for that legacy). Nash booted Flair and Powerbombed him. The Ref had already DQed the match.
-Steiner hit Nash in the leg with his pipe. He worked on the knee a few times. The fans chanted for Goldberg's name. Steiner stalked around and told them to shaddup.
-The show ended.
Well, that was a quick show!
I didn't mind either show actually. I suppose, if push came to shove, I'd lean towards RAW... yeah... Raw wins. I guess. It's only my opinion. It means nothing.
We close with a little f-ing around. It seems that your standard, average Wrestling fan also reads comic books. The great question is "Why"?
Well, obviously the answer is that like wrestling, comics offers the reader a new universe for them to imagine themselves in... where they are tough, good looking, powerful, famous and get dates galore. In short, both mediums offer an escape from the miserable doldrums that is Life as a Loser.
Don't sweat it, though, I'm right there with you. Unfortunately, I haven't picked up a comic book in months... and only JLA at that. I am SO out of the loop, it isn't even funny. I guess I outgrew them, maybe. I don't know, I just feel like a douche walking into a store and loading up on back issues... I'm 30 FOR CHRISSAKES!!!
Anyway... I thought I'd use this time to take some popular comic book characters and tell you what I would do if I got to write their monthly. In short:
IF I WAS BOOKING THIS CRAP:
-Superman: The toughest thing about Kal El is that he's been around for so long that practically everything that can be done to him already has... Hell, he's been KILLED. So, I would try to increase the humor quotient. Superman isn't a funny guy, he's good humored, but hasn't really been perceived as a guy who can laugh at a situation. To that end, I would do story arcs featuring funny villains. The Toy Man, Bizarro, The Joker. Mxyplyx I'd make Superman the straight man. On the serious side, I'd also explore his alien genes and heritage... perhaps making Lex Luthor device a way to ignite certain genes in Superman's body that would screw up his values. The "Evil Superman" has long been Batman's greatest fear... I'd try to make it happen. Superman has an invincible body, but his mind is all too fallible. Braniac could help there.
-Captain America: Easy, I would focus on the fact that Cap is 100% human with no real powers or technical abilities. I'd throw every high powered Super villain I could at the guy. The Juggernaut, Doctor Doom, Dormannu, Thanos, Apocalypse. Emotionally, Cap has had his patriotism, his virtues, and his beliefs challenged already. I would work on testing his physical prowess against guys who would laugh off his shield. That would be a way cool way to explore his determination. I'd also send him to an alternate earth where he was the Nazi Ruler of the world. Oh, and the Red Skull would jump to another clone of Steve Rogers too, making him an eerie mirror image for Cap to fight.
-The Avengers: Wipe away the old team and do it "JLA" style. Cap, Iron Man, Thor, Spiderman, The Hulk, Doctor Strange, Storm, and Shadowcat. Bring in all the big guns for wild, impossible story arcs and deadly foes that only they could stop. Including two X-Men would help add females to the roster AND it could written as an overture to show that Muties are there to help. My first storyline would have the Psycho Man from the "Innerverse" marshal his entire army for an assault on Earth... now, with the "Innerverse" being a microscopic universe, he could have billions and billions of high tech soldiers able to "enlarge" themselves anywhere they wished to go at a moment's notice. That's major.
-The Fantastic Four: 15 years ago, John Byrne brought the FF "back to basics" with stories that were both exciting, yet character driven. We haven't had much of that since. I would take the Human Torch, the arrogant stud, and have him defeat Dr. Doom soundly one on one. Doom vows revenge, attacks Johnny anew, and beats him within an inch of his life. Then, Doom BRANDS Storm on the chest, forever leaving a personal reminder of who's bitch he is. Storm gets all F-ed up as a result. The beauty here is that since the brand is on his chest, Storm can wear his uniform over it for years and years and not mess with any trademarks. I'd also re-establish Ben Grimm as THE toughest bad ass in the Marvel Universe. It's been a loooong time since the Thing has won a fight on guts and pride. I'd screw with the Reed/Sue marriage by having Reed be tempted by some chick... since it's always Sue who is flirting with Namor.
-Captain Atom: Who? He's a B-player in the DC world, only showing up during world crisis’s. But, he has a great history and a decent character to play with. I'd bring him back and have him lead a Government "Super Human FBI" group consisting of The Changeling (the green kid from the Titans who changed into all sorts of animals), a black girl who can read and interpret anything within seconds, and my own personal creation, a sarcastic dude known as "Fourth Wally"... who is SO cool that I don't even want to talk about him for fear that someone reading might steal the idea. This group would check out all sorts of cool stuff, think "The X-Files" for fan boys... and they would encounter a lot of established characters.
-Guy Gardner: Give him a ring... give him his attitude back... AND LET ME HAVE AT HIM!!! I SWEAR TO CHRIST, THERE IS SO MUCH POTENTIAL THERE!!!!!
-Batman: Three words: Doomsday hits Gotham. Five more: And no Superman in sight.
-The Hulk: Quite frankly, I'd just sub-contract Peter David to write the thing. No messing with that success. Padguy RULES!!!
-Spiderman: The boy's hurting for business, because of that damn Clone saga that HAD to have caused a few firings. John Byrne thought to start him over from scratch, but it didn't pan out. Now they are re-telling his origin and making him even younger than before, because of the comic's inane idea that somehow teens will relate to them. Look, I never ONCE thought of Peter Parker being my age when I was growing up... I thought he was older. I thought they were ALL older. I would take Spiderman, kill the personal tragedy for an while, and focus on telling 2 or 3 issue story arcs. Dave Micheline once put Spidey against the Juggernaut for two issues that was some of the best damn scripting I've ever seen. Only two issues... in and out. I'd up the wiseass quotient, pad up the supporting cast, offer nice sub-plots that don't go for years, and do what JM DeMattius did a few years ago with "Spectacular Spiderman"... I'd explore the psychology of the Spidey's awesome Rouge's Gallery... what make them tick. I'd do what Byrne did with the FF 15 years ago and bring it all "back to basics".
-The Punisher: Garth Ennis has helped re-invigorate the franchise. I would piss on all that and try to see what life would be like for Frank if he decides that the war is finally over. I'd open it up with him running a bar in Key West, dyed blonde hair, overweight, and a raging alcoholic. I would also bring back "The Rev", a way old religious sort who had the mutant power to heal people of their wounds. Well, for whatever reason (Jigsaw, probably), Castle would pick up a gun again and re-start the War... but the Rev would join him to try to heal his inner rage. The series would then became an exploration of Castle's ability to function in the world amid all the crime, murders, and evil. I think I could make it work.
That's enough out of me. Now, feel free to write and comment, but for God's sakes, don't tell me to check out The Authority, or Astro City, or Gen 13, or any other of these non-Marvel and DC titles. I don't even BUY comics much anymore... I don't even pick up Wizard. I expect one day to walk into a store with about a thousand bucks and make some owner very happy... but until then, DON'T TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD BE READING!!!!!
And if some of my ideas have already been used, forgive me, I'm out of the loop.
Yes, I sometimes imagine these story arcs... usually in bed, they help me drift to sleep. They also help me concentrate on not climaxing after banging her for 30 seconds. Once, I crafted 4 whole issues of Green Lantern and made her explode 3 times. 47 minutes, non-stop. Try that, motherfu**as.
I plan on NEVER making a child, for reasons just like this. Look at me... comics and wrestling. There is no WAY the Hyatte line is going to continue. I'm the last branch of this bloodline... and it's ending here. My family tree did nothing... accomplished nothing... waste of oxygen... that's it.
I hate my father for soiling my mother with his seed. F-YOU! LOOK AT WHAT YOU PRODUCED!!! SOME LEGACY!!
Oh, and by the way, Happy Valentines Day. I hope you all get some anal action.
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