Mop-Up RAW 02.12.01 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW

"Hey douchebag, Nice "tribute" to Al Isaacs. Why didn't you just title it "How Al Isaacs' world revolved around ME"? I know you're supposed to be the "King of the Internet", but come on!"
Gonzalez, Art:

Well, it DID.

Howdo. This is the Mop-Up and I'm the
Stank Tramp. This is the fifth column written IN A ROW!!!! Which means only three more before I GET ANOTHER VACATION!! WHOO HOOOO!!!

Okay... the big news running around these parts is that there is no news at all. Kids, I have NOTHING to talk about. I've thought and thought and thought and still, nothing to open the column with. Sooo, I'll hit some plugs, talk about Ryder, and... I haven't the foggiest. I'll make things up as I go, I guess.

Well, this week's And Another Thing is another one of my classic "single subject" examinations with a way cool twist. It's a look at what's keeping Goldberg from being the number 1 star in ALL of sports entertainment. Once again, it will make you THINK!!. Hey, Bob Ryder says he likes them... so HA!

As of right now, I have no clue what the Closer will be about. I think it may be about comic books. You'll just have to go to the bottom of the Nitro recap and find out for yourself.

Let's get the great A1 wrestling site plug out of the way here. Good site, good people. 

And then there is the Edge. Last week, myself and Greg Dillard interviewed Bob Ryder for almost an hour. Ryder was talkative, open, and was friendly. I wasn't hostile towards him, but tried not to kiss his ass either. He seemed to have had a really good time, and even loosened up enough to call someone a "pathetic loser". So far, I've gotten 100% praise from all who saw fit to comment... thanks. Thanks to Bob for coming on and having a good time. 

The BEST letter I've gotten on the subject was from a "professional mic jockey" who was nice enough to say:

"You're far better at this than you have any right to be this early in the game though, particularly with the weeks off keeping you from getting a sort of creative momentum going. Being a really entertaining writer doesn't mean that you can be good in a radio setting and you're doing great. I may sound like a jackass saying that, or a suck up, but I don't give a shit because it's true."

No names, because he's a bit of a Net presence and I wouldn't want his friends ragging on him. No, it isn't Scaia.

I just felt like posting a NICE e-mail for once. Blow me.

On THIS week's Edge, assuming that there is one seeing how Dillard hasn't contacted me, Al Isaacs... my former boss, my old Scoops employ, the man whom I left COLD when I jumped sites a year ago... he's coming on to say goodbye and thanks to the readers, to explain why Remy Arteaga is NOT the Son of Satan, and to tell some great stories. I spoke to him over the phone a week ago, so it won't be the first time we've spoken to each other since I left. Also, if Greg can work the schedules out, Bob Barnett, the "pathetic loser" Ryder spoke about will be on to rebut Bob... probably call him some names... and tell a pretty interesting story about Vampiro and WCW. All in all, it should be a real blast of a show. Plus, I'd like to think that his Edge appearence juiced Bob up enough to launch another mini-tirade against Jason Powell the other day. 

So, if you missed the Ryder show... and/or want to hear this week's offering, go to Rantsylvania as soon as you're done this and check it out. With any luck, we will get the Edge's OWN website up ANY DAY NOW BECAUSE I STILL FEEL A BIT DOUCHEY SENDING PEOPLE TO RANTSYLVANIA!! I HOPE PEOPLE GET A LITTLE MOVE ON AND GET THE SITE FINISHED!!!!! 

Oz has only two episodes left... it's ends so goddam fast. The good news is that The Sopranos new season starts the week after Oz wraps ups... after the Sopranos does it's 16 episodes, Sex & the City should return... and maybe... juuuuust maybe, ANOTHER season of Oz for the Summer. God bless HBO, man... they know how to keep new shit going year round.

And we are just SEVEN WEEKS AWAY from Dick Scaia's big "APRIL FOOL'S DAY COLUMN where he will post fake news and try to convince you that they are real. Then he will let you off the hook at the end by screaming, "GOT'CHA!!" Seven weeks away. The Countdown continues.

Finally... eh... someone just wants me to mention him more, I guess the constant plugs, links and praises weren't enough. Must be getting around time for another shutdown. Nevermind. I'm MUCH to self involved to take that bait. Ask anyone. However, if you would like to take your best shot at me, go right ahead. Just know that picking you and your "partner" apart will be a lot easier than you seem to think, and a LOT of people would like to see me do it, too. Listen carefully and you can hear them cheering. Let's not get too overly impressed with yourself, m'kay? 

And... umm... yeah, that's enough. I guess we can just get to it. Off we go... saddle up... it's time to rock. 

RAW IS WAR (or: But... where's the kendo stick?)

-opening theme. No recaps of last week. No stirring operatic music played over movie trailer-like clips... this is our punishment for blowing off the XFL last Saturday. 

-opening theme... oh, right... I said that.

-Fans, fireworks, fury... Jim Ross screams us a warm "hello" to the "Continental Airlines Arena" in New Joisey. (weren't they there like... a MONTH AGO??). Once again, I openly and loudly wonder where the air planes are... alas, my bird provided no answers... he just said, "F**K You"... (that, "hello", and "shut up" are the only words he knows... possibly because those are basically the only things I yell at him)

-New Joisey... home of the Nets... the Boss... mobbed up NYPD Cops looking for affordable suburban housing... and half-deaf Sheriffs who won't look the other way for much longer. (For every Joisey Sheriff, there's a IAD guy telling his assistant, "That cupcake's gonna restart the whole investigation!")

-"I gave you your chance, and you BLEW IT!!!"

-Time waits for NO quarter hour (huh?) as...

-Triple H and every white boy's fantasy comes out to cut an 80 minute promo. It is explained to us that the Rock will fight Rikishi tonight with each man repre... oh for Chrissakes, my head is hurting already.

-They hit the ring... Motorhead fades, but not before he sings that it is NOT the Game, but it's how you PLAY it! Heh... who needs Lennon anyway when we have LEMMY!!!

-HHH looked around slowly... looked at his wife, and told her "You knowww" (ugh... this will be Nash's legacy... this and a slew of bastard children)

-He called Jersey the "armpit of America", (Hey, I voted for Canada!), and that it's filled with people with blank looks on their faces (I'm sure they are still reeling from their Governor blowing them off for a cushy spot in President "W"s cabinet). HHH theorized that these faces came from their dismay over how miserable their lives had become. 

-The thing is, HHH now finds himself wearing a SIMILAR blank face... because, he tells his Wife, he cannot understand why her Father, HIS Father-in-Law, Vincent K McMahon would style his hair the shape of an upside down triangle (yeah! For God's sakes, why?)

-He also doesn't get this whole... Stipulation match between two hated enemies with each man representing the ... oh how DO I explain this clusterfrick? 

-answer... I DON'T!!

-SKIPPING past the rhetoric, we jump to HHH telling everyone that if and WHEN the Rock wins, he'll have a stipulation... oh yes, he'll have an IMPOSSIBLE stipulation that will pretty much GUAREN-DAMN-TEE that Austin will fall at "No Way Out" (and F-YOU, NWO!!!) Oh yes, the Game is AFOOT...(andalottanose).

-HHH referenced JR's recent use of the nickname the "Cerebral Assassin" and approved... claiming to be able to outwit Austin at every turn... indeed, Stone Cold's head will surely EXPLODE at the mind boggling stipulations that he will impose on the match when the Rock wins! (unless he somehow involves Austin's ex-wife, this is getting WAY oversold)

-HHH recognizes that all this will hinge on the Rock's success, so he warned the Rock NOT to do anything STUPID!!! 

-Which brought out the Rock. Rocky waited out his pop (Heaven forbid he get right to it)... then questions HHH's own brilliance. After all, Hunter took a "sacred vow of marriage to the biggest s(bleep)t in the Western Hemisphere". 

-Rocky says that he could not care less about these stipulations... he's got his own fish to fry... he's got Angle at the PPV, and inevitably, he'll be working the main event AS WWF champion at Wrestlemania... then it's OFF to Hollywood for a spell to film movies, promote The Mummy 2, and bang every white actress who gets within 20 feet of him! (I hear Sarah Michelle Gellar is signed up for sometime in May). So he's got other things on his mind.

-BUT... since the World revolves around the Game (funny, thought it revolved around Judd Hirsch?), the Rocky wants to talk about stipulations... oh no, not about the winner getting 5 minutes with Stephanie. Everyone's already had that (HAW!!! DUDE!!!!)

-No, The Rock was talking about new stips... stips for right now.. those being, HHH shuts his mouth and the Rock goes prepare for the match. AND if HHH refuses to adhere to sub stipulation A:, Sub-stipulation B will go into effect and the Rock will go into the ring now, make HHH produce the look of a lifetime as he (I, the Rock, him, whatever) takes his shoe and kicks it straight up your monkey ass! (Oh, like HHH hasn't worn THAT particular look before... yeah, okay)

-Stephanie, "Rock, you don't have the balls..." (see, she gets to say whatever she wants)

-Rocky cut her off and made it clear that Sub-stip A has been violated, so Sub Stip B is clearly into effect (in a roundabout way, this is EXACTLY how Vince got out of his contract with the USA network). He came to the ring to do his voodoo.

-Rikishi came out. Rikishi says "whoa" a whopping 7 times (you KNOW your fat when you have to verbally ORDER your legs to stop moving downhill... and they don't listen)

-Rikishi reminded the Rock that he still has to deal with him tonight... and UNLIKE the rock, Rikishi is happy to be in this match and represent Austin.

-'Kishi says that he WON'T "steer Austin wrong" (oooh)

-'Kishi says that the match will be a quickie... a real "hit and run" (aaaah)

-'Kishi says that his door is unlocked, his seatbelt is fastened, and he's ready to "kick your ass in high gear" (bleeeh)

-Austin's stick of all this "punning around" (BWAHAHAA... NOW THAT'S COMEDY!!!). So he storms out.

-Austin gave Rikishi a middle finger... he says that little jokes don't effect him, because... oh Lordy...

-Nutshell City: Austin will be at ringside to make sure Rikishi gets the job done. And when the match is over, he'll give Rikishi a beer, open it for him, toast the Bastard, then give him the Stone Cold Stunner... (well, why the heck would he RUIN THE ENDING??)

-HHH spoke up and said that HE'LL be at ringside too! He got nose to nose with Rocky (he had to leave the ring... *rimshot*) and told him that he had BETTER know his damn role and win the thing

-Just as HHH turned to warn Rikishi about something... Rocky popped him one. Rikishi popped Rocky one too. Austin watched. Austin got into HHH's face. They mouthed off to each other. Rikishi attacked Austin. BIG side kick. Both Faces were down. Rikishi left the ring. HHH laughed. Big sign seen that read, "WHY ME?" (um, because you suck?)


-commercials Why, on God's green Earth, would Hunter allow himself to be in a spot where he's shirtless and sweaty in a boy's locker room talking to another shirtless lad? (and why, on God's green Earth, would a certain confused lad who used to mess with me, parade around the Yahoo message boards and pose as a female? I kid you not... ask Luke Johnston about it)

-spot tells young teens that it's okay to pass on weed. What they DON'T tell you is that if you ARE in a group circle with girls and a joint is produced, the odds that you will get laid SKYROCKET!!! 

-footage of what just happened

-Eddie Guerrero comes out. I don't know why everyone says he's discovered the juice... her looks pretty much the same to me.

-Jericho comes out. He has no microphone. I guess he has to save his voice so he can make those inhuman grunts "HUWAAAH! MWOOOAAGH!"

-note to Dillard (and to see if he really reads these things): remind me on the show to do my killer impression of Jerry Lewis getting anally invaded while singing a Bob Dylan song

-of course, in this case, "killer" equals "bad"

-and yes, it is a direct rip-off of a very old Martin Short joke... though I doubt you'd remember it.

-Ross ran down the night's line-ups. Billy Gunn WORKS tonight!!! On reflex, I switch to Nitro.

-damn, that Flair... he is such a no-good HEEL!!!!

-back to work... it takes 6 seconds for the first inhuman groan, "SHWUUH!!!"

-Eddie bounces around from some hip-tosses. Jericho leans him against the ropes and chops him a few times. Eddie gets pissed and resorts to fisticuffs!! (Latin Temper!!! That's what eventually caused Chico Santana's downfall!)

-Eddie locks up the arm and WRENCHES DOWN!!! (the boy's just ACHING for a 15 year long feud with Greg "The Hammer" Valentine)

-Jericho hits a Superplex. More chops and PLENTY of grunts... HUUCHAA... NAAAHUUU

-Jericho hits the running Bulldog. Lionsault lands on Eddie's knees.

-Crowd chants "EDDIE SUCKS" (there isn't an Indy wrestler alive who wouldn’t DIE for a chant like that). Eddie is thrown into the corner, he does a little handstand on the top turnbuckle, then drops down and goes for a headscissor/hurracarana... Jericho blocks it and gets in the Walls of Jericho. This is what passes for Luchadoring in the WWF, by the way

-who should run out but the returning X-Pac! Who attacks Jericho and wails away! Lawler screams, "THREE MONTHS!! THREE MONTHS HE'S BEEN ON THE SHELF, THANKS TO JERICHO!!!" (hmm, and did Jericho make him quit Rage Against the Machine, too? Why not blame Jericho for ALL the world's problems!!! DID JERICHO KEEP THE BLACK MAN FROM VOTING FOR GORE IN FLORIDA TOO???)

-X-Pac's music played... X-Pac screamed incoherently, then left with a big sneer on his face. (because that look worked SO WELL for Kanyon)

-Meanwhile, a big Limo pulled up. A beaming Vince McMahon stepped out with Trish Stratus AND Ste... WILLIAM Regal. (A Brit and an Old Fart who's been juicing for decades... somehow, I doubt Trish needed to swallow a Birth Control pill after this ride). This was apparently enough of a cliffhanger to send us off to more...

-commercials. The XFL was on last week, and pissed off Lorne Michaels. GOOD!!!

-some idiot babbled on about why the XFL is so great. I'm reasonably sure he was drunk.

-JR told Lawler that Kurt Angle called Essa Rios a "tequila swilling thief". Lawler failed to see the problem. Apparently, Angle accused Rios of stealing his T-shirt and selling it for some Tequila. 

-Heat footage proved once and for all that there is at least ONE person willing to job out cleanly to Angle.

-backstage, Edge and Christian told Kurt Angle that they plan on hunting down Carson Daly and kick his ass. Where were these morons when Simon Rex, and Idalis were ruling the network? WHY DID JENNY McCARTHY GET A FREE PASS??? Christian told Angle that Carson was the one who was "the monotone guy with no charisma"... Angle said he was handsome. (that monotone guy with no charisma got Jennifer Love Hewitt's lips around his shaft... respect MUST be paid)

-Michael Cole showed up and informed Angle that Essa Rios just challenged him to a match. Angle asked "what's Spanish for 'know when to quit'?" (um... HO DE TE!!! HO DE TE!!! Mi Madre trabajas es un ho de te gringos americanos!)

-Angle told Cole to tell Rios to find a Mexican "homie" for a tag partner and take him on in a tag match. E & C liked the idea, but announced that they had UT and Kane booked for tonight with the winner getting some title action against the Dudley's... so they're busy.

-Angle was left alone to mutter, "Essa Rios... FEH!!!"

-meanwhile, Rikishi was digging into his gym bag. HHH stopped by to ask him to lay down for Rocky tonight. (well, it was a bit more detailed than that) Rikishi says that he don't lay down for nobody! (so says the man who NEVER wins shit!!!) and even though these two guys go waaay back... now is the time for Rikishi to look out for Rikishi.

-HHH, "Can't you help a Brother OUT, man?" (WHAT?? N-WORD PLEASE!!!)

-Rikishi refuses. HHH seems to accept this and gets up to leave. He picks up a briefcase and prepares to "brief" all over Rikishi's "case"! (Oh, I am just CRACKLING, this week!!)

-Suddenly, Haku walks out of the bathroom and speaks gibberish. HHH puts down the briefcase and exits. 

-Lita and the Hardys were on their way to the ring. Ross screams, "MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH!!!". 


Click Here For Part 2!!!

-The Hardy Boyz and Lita come out.

-Chris Benoit, Saturn, and Terri Runnels comes out. Note how Benoit gets HUGE graphic lettering while Saturn and Terri are stuck under his name almost like an afterthought. That's right, grab a pen, grab a piece of paper, and JOT THAT DOWN!!!! NOW!!!

-The men started to go at it. Dean Malenko came out and observed at the entranceway.

-things settled down and Saturn proceeded to go to work on Jeffrey, stopping briefly to get a kiss from Terri. Ross told them to get a room, preferably Motel 6 (that plugging GENIUS!!!)

-Hardy hit Saturn with a Corkscrew, then tagged his brother. Matt skillfully kept both Radicalz at bay.

-Matt got his hands on Terri, tagged in Lita. Lita hit Saturn with a Hurracarana. Saturn paused long enough to mutter, "whattaIdotodeservethisshit?" before flipping over and selling the move (My hand to CHRIST, he said this... I think)

-Lita snagged Terri in a Downward Twist of Spiralling Fate (there are actually marks out there who get pissed when I do this), then hit a Lunar Assault form the top rope and scored the pin.

-Malenko came down the ramp. Saturn gave Lita a backbreaker. Malenko bitched at him about it. He helped Lita up, then clotheslined her right back down! The James Bond music played... Malenko smiled sickly. When Lita eventually turns Heel and hooks up with Deano, wouldn't this tell the audience that abusing females is the best way to win their hearts? (YES, YES, YES, AND AMEN, MY BROTHERS!!!!)

-E&C; were on their way

-as were the Undertaker and the Kane


-The Dudley's come out to join the announcers. Everyone but Ross said, "WHAZZZUUUP". 

-E & C came out. The obligatory staredown/trash talk with the champs went down.

-Kane came out alone. 

-The Undertaker rolled out to Limp Bizcut's "Rollin"... now if they REALLY had some balls, they would have used that song, "Butterfly"... ("you're my butterfly, sugar... baby!!") I doubt I would make it through a single entrance without going into hysterics.

-The match got going with some pounding of the lily white boys.

-Christian was tossed out. UT followed him and tossed him back in (make up your MIND, douche)... UT mouthed off to the Dudleys... well, the Dudley's mouthed off and UT just stared at them, no doubt thinking, "I miss the days when I fought giant dipshits in muscle costumes!"

-Meanwhile, Edge clobbered Kane with a chair. Buh Buh yelled at the UT, "YOU'RE BROTHER JUST GOT HIT WITH A CHAIR, YOU DUMB SONAFAB(bleep)CH" (HAW!!! LINE OF THE NIGHT, RIGHT THERE!!!)

-Kane kicked out of the pin attempt. Things settled into a traditional tagger.

-The Ugly Boys tuned on the Pretty Boys. UT chokeslammed Christian. Edge broke up the pin.

-and of course, the Dudley's wound up getting involved. Why else would they be there? A veritable RIOT ensued. Bells rang. Haymakers thrown. Ross screamed so loud he actually vomited, but swallowed it back down quickly. We see that Buh Buh, much like Kidman, wears TommyBoy jeans (waiit... I thought only homos... wore... oh my God!)

-UT and Kane ended up in the ring. The Dudley's ended up on the ramp. E&C; ended up in the nearest Joisey strip club getting lap dances from very turned on dancers. (Hey, I'd f-them too... and I'm not even gay!)

-Cole asks Angle if he found a tag team partner. Angle said that Rios was so lame that he could grab ANYONE for a partner and coast tonight. To PROVE the point, he asked a nearby woman if she would like to partner up with him. She answered, "HUUUH"?

-Raven dropped by and asked when the woman was due back at the home. (Lawler reacted). With a voice MUCH higher than what he usually uses (he must have his nut vice on), Raven volunteered HIS services to Angle for tonight. Angle accepted. They took off.


-footage of what just happened. Are they halfway through yet? They must be.

-Last Thursday, the old broad was voted off the island. I'm waiting for that VERY annoying Actress wannabe "Jerri" to get the boot. That gourmet Chef can go too.

-Moments ago, Billy Gunn screamed and "the Coach", Coachman, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK IS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD???" (well, cranial fluid... A-DOY!!)

-Vinnie Mac was on the phone... promising to give his wife a "Valentine's Day she'll never forget" (I smell KY)

-Michael Cole BARGED in on Vince. Vince BARKED at him for such a CRUDE interruption. Then he said that all three tag teams in the last segment will have a triple threat match at "No Way Out". Then he threw Cole out. 

-HH came out, (the other "H" was taking a dump) with her Highness. Ross plugged Chyna's book... which isn't exactly burning up the charts. (I thought Oprah would have been all over this thing)

-OOPS... I'm wrong... the book is number 3 on the NY Times best seller list. I was thinking of "I'm Next" 

-The "One" came out. They started swinging. 

-Much as I HATE to follow general Net consensus... I have to do so now. The match went a while. Hunter won. Gunn blows. 'nuff said.


-This Sunday, at 10 am... YOU can watch the exclusive "making of" the Rock's new hit single, "Pie"... oh no, not a VIDEO... you get to watch the Rock SING (speak) the song in the STUDIO!!! ONLY on TNN!! I'd rather stick to my original Sunday morning ritual... which is trying to sleep in between running to the toilet every ten minutes to puke out stomach bile.

-Cole worked his ASS off tonight... grabbing Essa Rios just in time to see the Big Show come up and ask him if "Angle fell for it"... TBS was happy with Rios response. 

-X-Pac came out. 

-Scotty John Gotti came out with his partner. It was a one on one match.

-5 seconds into it, X-Pac tried a Bronco Buster, but the aforementioned partner stopped it.

-3 seconds after that, Hotty hit the Worm.

-oh, I'd say... around... 220 seconds after that, Hotty (yeesh, can I FEEL any more gay) took a bad bump and worked an injury. X-Pect grabbed a mic and said that he waited three months to come back and kick someone's ass on "Worldwide TV"... (he wants back in WCW and wants to work a WORLDWIDE???) So he told SOMEONE to get on out there and tangle with him!

-Grandmaster Sexay (yeesh 2, yes I can) took him up on the offer and attacked. The new match continued.

-Jericho ran out just a minute or so later and attacked X-Pac. Ross screamed, "RETRIBUTION IS A COLD, COLD LOVER, YOU SONAFAWHORE!!!!!" (Jesus Jimbo... who pissed in your Special K?)

-Suddenly, a bald kid ran out and chaired Jericho... Ross went overboard and shouted, "THAT'S... THAT'S... THAT'S JUST INCREDIBLE!!!!" (no, it's a run-in, douchebag)

-The pair celebrated... I was informed that his NAME was "Justin Credible". Lawler said, "Shouldn't he be in ECW?" Ross added, "He once was the ECW champion!!" Then Ross said that Paul Heyman is a brilliant genius who can ride his daughter doggy style whenever he wants to! (now THAT'S a way to get Heyman in the booking team, dammit!)

-for the record, while "Credible" is a damn fine prospect... Rhino is the REAL pony to bet on. The kid is young, massive, and DAMN SCARY.

-The Heels left, triumphantly.

-Kevin Kelly was next to the Rock's dressing room. Waiting. Why is this shot on EVERY SINGLE RAW now? 

-Rocky walked out and cut a very quick promo on Rikishi. Kelly looked inexplicably stunned. (it's fun watching that second chin quiver)

-Elsewhere, Al Snow was busy dressing up as Mankind, with a sleeveless flannel shirt over a shirt and tie. 


-A replay of tonight's activities concerning Jericho, Pac, and Credible 

-Mansnow came out. Ross admitted to "loving Mick Foley"... Lawler asked why doesn't he MARRY Foley. Ross bitched about all these laws prohibi... oh UGH... talk about LAME

-Snow took the mic in his Socked up hand and said that he is staging a protest. He said that Vince McMahon may be carrying on about "fairness", but in reality, he's actually more interested in SCREWING! 

-No, not screwing Al Snow... and no, not talking about screwing Trish Stratus, he was talking about screwing Mick Foley!

-Snow said, "Mick Foley may be a fat, goofy, foul smelling man, BUT HE'S MY BEST FRIEND AND THESE PEOPLE LOVE HIM!!!" (The crowd hesitates... almost as if to say, "we do? Oh, right.. we DOO... FOLEY, FOLEY FOLEY!!")

-Snow's mic went all screwing... Lawler asked if he was under water... Snow grabbed a new mic and said that the screwing of Mick Foley simply was NOT fair!! (neither is the CONTINUAL milking of the buttf-ing of Bret Hart, by the way)

-Snow says that even though Mick Foley was fired... he lives THROUGH Al Snow... and vows to SIT IN THAT RING and wait for Vince to come out and ADDRESS this issue!!! He wished Vince a "nice day"... then began a chant of "Foley".

-Vince came out and marched to the ring. He YANKED the mic out of Snow's hand! (Bet'cha he does that breathless GROWL thing!)

-Vince, "How dare you make reference to me screwing ANYBODY!! Anybody who knows me knows that I'm all about one thing these days... and that's FAIRNESS"

-Vince says that for the record, not that it's anyone's business, Trish Stratus and he are "just friends" (because they have SO much in common!)

-Vince says that Snow has to go... and if he doesn't, Vince will remove him personally.

-Snow didn't budge. Vince took off his sports coat. Just as things were going to get interesting...

-Willie Regal comes out... he grabs the mic and asks, "why does everything around here always end in violence?" (same reason why every airflight he takes has to end with him defecating on the drink cart, I guess.)

-Regal tried to play Goodwill Ambassador and reminded Snow that without Vince McMahon, sports entertainment as we know it would not exist! (Plus, at least 4 Von Erichs would STILL BE ALIVE!!!! Do the Math yourself, if you don't believe me!)

-Regal pointed out that Vince makes many charitable contributions and also works with Inner City kids! (he gets a percentage of every dime lifted out of every wallet!)

-Also, Trish Stratus is Regal's girlfriend, not Vince's.

-Regal said more... I just noticed that Snow padded up his middle to get Foley's fat stomach into the character. I like that.

-Vince came from behind and crotched Snow. Regal dropped the mic and went to work. Snow was tuned on. Right after they left in victory, we got a replay. Right after that, we got some...


-a replay of the replay. Replayed.

-Vince and Regal watched the replayed replay of the replay on a monitor. Austin stormed in and bitched at Vince for this silly, convoluted Stip Match. He said something about... about... actually, he totally blew the line... and was so pissed that he cursed out loud. Vince covered for him. You don't get to see such a flub all the time, kids... CHERISH THE MOMENT!!



-highlights from the XFL weekend, in case you missed the games... (and apparently, half of you did! HEE HEE!!!)

-At WWF New York, The Cat celebrated her body. Meanwhile, Steven Richards watched this... each member of the RTC took turns hissing in his ear about how this matter needs dealing with. Richards whispered that this WILL be dealt with, even if he needs to do it himself... and it'll be for her own good. By far, the creepiest promo they have EVER cut.

-TBS and Essa Rios were on their way.

-Raven told Angle that he doesn't want to F-with the Show. Angle had other plans.


-Angle and Raven were out.

-The Big Show came out with Essa Rios. TBS made moves towards Angle while Raven attacked Rios and the match was on. What happened to the Show's hard-on for the Rock, anyway?

-Things settled down and positions in the corner were taken. Rios got to shine by mixing it up with both Raven and Angle.

-Raven tried a powerbomb, Rios sort of shifted momentum on it and scored his own bomb.

-The Show was tagged, and went right for Angle. Angle jumped down... Show followed... Angle jumped in... the Ref told him to get back into the ring, or into his corner... or something... regardless, Angle Olympic Slammed Rios, then Raven pinned him. Raven was chokeslammed... no he wasn't... Angle busted that.

-The Ninja chick came out with a cart filled with gimmicked mayhem. They went Hardcore on TBS. A 2x4 sent him to one knee. He got angry. NOW Raven was chokeslammed. My God... I do believe that the Big Show is FINALLY getting... dare I say... yes I dare... OVER!!! FINALLY????

-Rock, Rikishi, HHH, Steph, Austin all of whom will be joining us very shortly.

-XFL spot. If the ratings drop ANY further... I expect to see a HUGE "Tug-of-war" on Smackdown before long


-HHH came out with his arm draped around the Princess. Honestly, they looked like they were just boning each other for the last 45 minutes.

-Austin came out... AND NOT LAST!!!!! (oo, I hope y'all are recording this moment!! It's the Haley's comet of the rasslin' scene!)

-Rikishi came out. The Rock followed. All the white men assumed their positions and the match got going.

-well, actually, HHH tried to give the Rock some instructions. Rocky popped him one. This is what happens when I don't watch the show until I and recapping it off a videotape.

-Rikishi tried for an early Rock Bottom... Rikishi blocked it. Rocky did manage a DDT. Rikishi kicked out of the pin.

-'Kishi with thrust kicks and... well, A thrust kick.

-Rikishi tried to jam Rocky into the steel steps. Rocky blocked it and jammed Rikishi instead. Rikishi hit HHH's water bottle that was on them. The bottle went flying. I blow past move after move after move, yet I have to recap a WATER BOTTLE SPOT???

-Hunter did get involved... throwing Rikishi into Rocky, who went over the guardrail.

-'Kishi threw Rocky back into the ringside area.

-Back in the ring, Rocky absorbed RIKISHI'S MASSIVE POWER MOVES!! (ie: I hit the Fast Forward button for a bit)

-Rikishi tried to give Rocky an assfull. The Rock clotheslined him. Spinebuster! Near pin.

-Both men were laid out. HHH entered the ring and rolled Rocky on top of 'Kishi. Stuff kept the Ref occupied.

-Austin got in there and reversed things. The Ref turned and counted. Rocky got the arm up.

-Austin and HHH got nose to nose (Hunter had to go to New York! CHA-CHING!!) Stephanie got in the middle and tried to push them apart. Austin pushed her back (AND GRABBED SOME TITTIE T'BOOT!!!!! BOOYAAAAA!!! THE BIG STUDMONKEY!!!)

-Steph slapped Austin hard. Austin made a move towards her. HHH got back in his face.

-Meanwhile, Rocky hit the Rock Bottom and won... cleanly. HHH laughed at Austin.

-HHH hit the ring and raised Rocky's hand. Rocky attacked him. Rikishi attacked Rocky. Austin thought it over, and charged, Ross SHOWED HIS TRUE COLORS and screamed, "NO AUSTIN, DON'T HELP OUT THE AFRICAN!!! REMEMBER YOUR ROOTS, DAMMIT!!!!" (That... Fat... Okie... BASTARD!!! WCW HAS MY PERMISSION TO BRING BACK OKLAHOMA AND BRING HIM BACK NOW!!!!!! ROSS HAS GOT TO PAY!!!!)

-Austin focused on Rikishi and gave him the Stunner. He got up and bumped into HHH. The faced off again.

-The show ended. 

Eh... I can go either way with this week's offering. If Nitro rocked, it'll win. If it bombed, RAW wins. (ahem... don't bet on the first one)

Maybe I'll give it to the dogs?

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