Mop-Up Nitro 03.19.01 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro

So, it's adios, huh?

Yeah, I TOLD you this company was dead... I spelled it out quite clearly in an AAT from like... November. It was called "WCW Sucks And Here's Why". So PFFFTH. 

See, their biggest problem is that they acquired the STENCH of failure a long time ago. And once you get that stench on you, it is damn near impossible to get rid of it.

Sadly, there's a similar odor coming from the XFL these days.

And I WOULD have hyperlinked the column again... but Widro gets rid of old columns after a while. Prick.

Nitro (or: You'll MISS us when we... oh who are we kidding?)

-You know, right now, it's Wednesday afternoon. I'm dreadfully late. I'm not usually running the TV in the afternoons.

-What... in bloody blue F**K... is this Passions? Why is a young boy boiling an old lady in a cauldron? Why are two teenagers about to be sliced by a pendulum? What ever happened to Patch and Sweetness? The CHRIST IS GOING ON HERE???

-umm... I better split before I get drawn in.

-opens with the ENDING to I Know What You Did Last Summer, brought to you by Tylenol Theater. Almost poetic, wouldn't you say?

-credits roll. An Announcers announces that up next, an encore showing of the "Toughest Show On TV!" (Brother, you just said a MOUTHFUL!!!!)

-White lettering FILLS up a black screen, "In Memoriam DDP R.I.P. A Tribute by WCW Champion Scott Steiner". There is simply NO WAY IN HELL this is NOT an inside joke from the crew. It's simply can NOT be business as usual, could it? 

-Ah... and Taps is played... isn't that reserved for a death while serving the country? When did Page serve? During World War Two? (HAW!!! HAW HAW!!!!)

-Film of a Flag waving... juxtasuppo... juxapo... jux... overlapped with film stock of various trailer parks. Oh come now... Scott Steiner or Dallas Page which one do YOU think fits best in a trai... aw crap... 

-back to black screen and white lettering (perhaps the ONLY time we'll see racial harmony in WCW... HA!!!!) "...And Another One Bites the Dust". (See, THIS is cool, because not only do they get this ANGLE represented, but they also tip the hat to QUEEN being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame! GOD BLESS WCW!!!! YOU ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIENDS!!!!!

-Note: With Queen inducted, the number of homos in the R&RHoF; are now equal to the number of heteros! Michael Jackson getting in didn't hurt either.

-Schiavone's voice cuts in, calling this a "very sarcastic tribute". Hudson stepped in, "More like a very IRONIC tribute, Tony!" Tony was left momentarily speechless. Next week, these two guys have GOT to come to blows.

-WCW Greed was last night... Steiner won! I wonder who's up for the NEXT PPV? I CANNOT IMAGINE who's lined up?? *snicker*

-The world champ himself stepped out with the pudgy chick. She hasn't been fired yet? WHO THINKS SHE MIGHT SAVE THE COMPANY?????

-Tony announces that there will be a HUGE... a MASSIVE... a MAJOR... announcement from none other than ERIC BISCHOFF!!!! (Wouldn't it be funny if he announced that Vince McMahon has lost the pulse of the audience? I might just puke up my heart in hysterics)

-Both announcers agree that speculation has been running RAMPANT... actually, 99% of the world pretty much knows... only Bob Ryder is still steadfastly insisting that the Fusient deal is going off without a hitch. (That was one pissing contest that Keller THOROUGHLY trounced Bob on, wasn't it? Too bad... Bob's my boy! I LOVE Bob now. That's right.)

-Steiner was in the ring with that goofy head dress. Road Warrior Animal was with them. Flair too. The best thing about these next two Nitro is that we might just see Flair break down and weepingly blame the audience for not tuning in and taking away the company that he created. He's got nothing to lose... because IF Vince does get this company, it's a real coin flip to see if he uses Flair as the leader of the "invasion".

-actually... it's a decent chance, actually... Flair has always maintained a good relationship with Vince

-actually (deux)... it's STEINER who might say "F-It" and shoot all over the place. Luger too.

-Steiner got on the mic and said that he thought he'd be nice tonight and let all the white trash mourn the loss of our hero. (Jerry Springer died? When?)

-Oh My... this Middleasia looks a LOT like Michael Jackson... for real!

-Oh... Steiner was referring to Dallas Page. He trashed him down, and ran down all the boys he's gunned down over the past few months. I should be thrown into Hell for putting the word "down" three times in one sentence.

-Steiner's "path of destruction" CONTINUED... destroyed those damn ratings, he did.

-Steiner used the term "white trash" 23 times in 3 minutes of talking. For the life of me, I can't quite grasp the point he's trying to get across.

-Ric Flair took the mic. He announced that he did not think, for one moment, that there was any doubt that Scott Steiner would not KILL DDP.

-Flair... to someone at ringside... "(Steiner) would eat you up in about 30 seconds, pal!" I'm just waiting for Ric to call a brother "Sambo" on live TV! COME ON NAT'CH!!! LET'S SPICE THINGS UP!!!

-Ric said that SOME people might have assumed that the Runnel's brood had stood a chance against the Flair/Jarrett combo... sheer nonsense... Jeff and Ric (now THAT'S morning radio team if I ever heard of one) kicked fat ASS and LOTS OF IT!! (Tony, "Now that's a DAMN, DIRTY LIE AND I WILL TALK OVER HIM TO SAY IT!!!")

-Ric said that they beat them because "we are simply the best thing going today!" (If he calls WCW the "greatest company with the greatest stars in the world today" I am going to KICK MY TV SCREEN IN!!!!!)

-Ric said that because he is a kind man inside (he's kind all right... kind of a prick, more likely), he won't make Du... the Big Guy come out and kiss his "Gator, Gainer TwostrepsfromtheGraver ass tonight" (I doubt Du... the Big Guy's lips could get by that lump on Ric's back anyway).


-ah... what can the WWF do? Sue them? Heh hoo hoo ho... haa haa haa BWAHAHAHAHAAAA

-Du... the Big Guy and his son showed up on the Fu... Turn... AO... big ass screen. Dustin had his arm DRAPED on his Dad's shoulder and stood behind him. (Heh... I knew the rumors about TEXANS were true)

-Du... the Big Guy... because he STILL rules... had some PREACHIN' to do...

-"Hey Naitch! Hey hey hey he hey hey. I think you got itALLLLLL wrong! 'Cause, at the pay per view last night, it... WAS Jeff Jarrett... KISSIN'... my big white ass! Andfurtherthan that... b'FORE you leave this buildin' toNIGHTYOUWHEEEL... be kissin' my big white ass tonight! Right heeya, in GATORCOUNTRY!! If you WHEEL MAKENOMISTAKE... about it! And I'll tell you somethin' else... Jeff Jarrett... was SULLLKIN' LAST NIGHT... he had this loooong face... you know whut I'mtalkin'bout.. and he hadalookof... FEAR.. INHISEYE.. and he looked like a big GIANT... HOSS... when I BACKED up... and he PUHHHHUUUCKEREDHISLEEEPS UP!!! *smooch smooch smooch* and KEESED those browny one eyes!! (Hyatte's note... EEE-F'N'-EEEW).

-Steiner had to act all that and challenge the boys to come down and jam.

-"HEY WAITTAMINUTE CHAMP!!! YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! And what you have arownd yo' waist i've had on my own three times" (Hyatte again: Grand Total: 136 days... not exactly a Reign of Terror) "I've GOTALLL THE RESPECT IN THE WORLD... for the world heavyweight champion! You not in this's not between me and you... it's bwet... 

-and I'm all done... Du... the Big Guy sent out Booker T to deal with Steiner. Even though his son was STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM!!!! YA' COULDN'T SEND DUSTIN OUT THERE, BIG STARDUST???? HE CAN'T GET A SHOT????

-Booker came out... thumped his chest (for real... not imaginary.. like I apparently do while little demons battle within my head for control... or something like that. This is what happens when people try to act smarter than they really are.)

-I wish Booker would get a haircut.... just looking at him makes my ass bleed.

-Steiner told booker that the last time, he beat his ass so bad he "forgot where the Barber shop was" (HAW!! Okay, Steiner connects! Give it to him)

-Flair high fived Steiner... Flair likes when people goof on black people, I guess. (RISE UP, PEOPLE!!!! BURN HIM DOWN!!!!)

-Booker, "First thingg"... (ARRGH... the reach of Nash is long INDEED!!!

-Booker, "Would you please... SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" (oh come ON... WHAT IS THIS??)

-Booker, "You knowww" (sigh... next week couldn't come fast enough) 

-Booker, "(after running down ALMOST every name Steiner lists as being his victims... except for Goldberg, oddly enough) Let me tell you somethin..." (FINALLY!!! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE IT!!! THE HOLY TRINITY!!! THE TRIFECTA!!! SOMEONE ACTAULLY USED ALL THREE PROMO STARTS!!! RUN THE TAPES, PEOPLE!!! SEAL THEM IN STORAGE!!! HISTORY HAS JUST BEEN MADE!!!!!!!)

-Booker reminded Steiner that for three weeks, he has conveniently forgotten to include Booker's name anymore... and.. my God I am so tired...

-Booker challenged Steiner and dared Flair to make the match. He told Steiner to "shut the Hell up again"

-He told them that the "real man" told him to tell them (whaa?) to be in that ring in ONE hour, and bring the belt with them... because there will be LOTS to talk about concerning it.

-Finally, Booker said, "Booyaaa, and I'm gonna get WICHAAA"

-Thus... maybe the single WORST promo EVER cut in the HISTORY of this sport... was finished. Leave it to Nitro to be the show that has it... they had two weeks left... they just COULD NOT skip town without adding THAT feather to it's cap, could they.

-You don’t get it... if you get out one or all of the TRIFECTA of "Let me tell you something", "you knowww", and "First off" in a single promo... it is NOT cause for celebration... it's a sign of LAZY preparation. Plus, stealing a Jericho line and finding something to rhyme with "booyaa" is... it's grounds for PURGATORY!!!!

-Having a "Scare the crap out of whitey" hairstyle doesn't help either.

-Tony spoke up... thoroughly confused. He sent us all... many of us grateful, to the night's first batch of...

-commercials. AOL: We just want to advertise... we never asked to OWN the F-ing thing

-EXCLUSIVE footage from "Greed" shows Page being loaded up and driven away in an ambulance. Although I MUST ask... if no one ordered the thing, isn't pretty much EVERYTHING "exclusive"?

-Animal and Buff overact and play up to a cameraman who is shooting a "documentary"... maybe now is the time I should announce that during my month away, I virtually paid ZERO attention to WCW. I haven't the foggiest clue why there is a home videocam shooting this, NOR do I know what they are bitching about... oddly enough, since this won't make much of a difference after next week... I have no interest in learning, either.

-Jason Jett (WHO?????) comes out. Does he love Rock and Roll? 

-Disco Inferno (or is it still "Disqo"... or did that go out with Madden too?) came out with Mike Sanders. I'll tell you right now... I am in no mood for this... so the moment ANYONE(sanders) says the words "Cheeze Whiz"... I am OUT of here!

-Dicko (heh) got on the stick and announced that when he held his index finger up in the air, he demands absolute SILENCE! I chuckled at the stern look on his face as he sold it.

-Ironic... Disco is one digit off from getting a crowd pop like that Steve Austin guy... but isn't that just like WCW? Always just SLIGHTLY off?

-Dicko introduced everyone to his new best friend... 

-Sanders jumps in, "former Commissioner, Mike Sanders"

-Dicko, "That's right!!" (Oh I hope Vince brings BOTH of them in)

-Then Dinkquo ran down his EX-best friend, Herr Wright. Honestly, I only vaguely remember them being together.

-He said that he will do what Wright couldn't... which is beat this kid, Jett. Then he held up his finger... which was ignored. Come on, it IS cute! DINF took off his shirt and the match as on

-JESUS!!! Jett is fast!! This might be a GOOD matc...

-OOOPS... I heard Sanders say "Cheeze Whiz"! Yeah, he had no mic. Yeah.. he was clear on the other side from the Announcers. Yeah... the Announcers mics are designed to ONLY pick up what they say into them. Yeah... I know it's virtually impossible for me to hear sanders say anything. IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! I HEARD HIM SAY "CHEEZE WHIZ"... I DID, I DID, I DID, I DID!!!!!! A PROMISE IS A PROMISE!!!!! SEE YA!!!

-Wow... nice standing moonsault form this Jett kid... it oughtta play real well on the Indy circuit come 04/01/01 BWAHAHAHHAHAAAAA

-The kid won with a brainbuster. Some of the front row fans celebrated by playing their foam guitars... you know, maybe Steiner is RIGHT about these people?

-Good win for Jay Jett... meaningless as hell, but good.

-Remember... for the hell of it, they're gonna bring back ERIC for a MAJOR announcement to combat RAW's opening quarter hour. You just KNOW this was all his idea.


-The home videocam spotted Ric Flair and Jeff Jarrett conferring. Between the two of them, how many times do YOU think the name "Jim Ross" was mentioned and was immediately followed by a curse word?

-Shane Helms came out with a Cruiserweight belt and his own troop of dancing babes. Yeah, he's a hottie... he's banged them all. Douchebag!

-Tony boasted that Helms is a TEN YEAR VETERAN... but was only a singles worker for FOUR SHORT MONTHS!!! Well no WONDER Madden gave him to "HB2K" albatross to wreck his career with. 

-Helms hit the ring and had a microphone..."You KNOWWWW" (OH NONONONONO!!! FOR GOD'S SAKES, WHY???)

-Helms said that he "promised myself, my fans and my... and my FANS" (what fans? Who are these people? COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!! I DEMAND TO SEE THEE!!

-What they hell am I carrying on about?

-Helms said that he is NOW a Cruiserwight champion... and his career is now into OVERDRIVE! WCW WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!!! HE'S GONNA WORK HIS ASS OFF FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS BEFORE HANDING THE THING OVER TO ACCOUNTING AND... and... well, I hear Kentucky tobacco farmers are always looking for young, strong men.

-It's just so silly... it's surreal.

-Anyway... Helms said that he replaced Kidman in the match which he won the belt, so he extended a challenge to Kidman right now. Because the Cruiserweight division is ALL ABOUT SPORTSMANSHIP!!!

-Kidman is out. It seems like only a year ago he was immersed in a feud with Hulk Hogan... this is probably because it actually WAS only a year ago... 11 months ago to be exact... stupid ass.

-They had their match, which was a WONNNDERFUL exhibition of moves, agility, quickness, strength, and well, more moves. I'd LOVE to tell you all about it but... time, children... I'm running fresh out of it.

-Chavo Guerrero and Kid Romeo (WHO?????) ran out and for some reason, it became a tag match. I'm not sure if we had a winner. 

-We are just MINUTES away from BISCHOFF... PART 3! (or is that 4?)


-The home videocam found Lex Luger... down and OUT in a dressing room. (I suspect he just learned that the company he deserted and betrayed Vince McMahon for is going bye bye... hey, you would faint too if the only game in town hates your guts)

-Bam Bam Bigelow cut a classic promo on Shawn Stasiak and... why is David Flair's pregnant girlfriend with Shawn Stasiak? 

-Will we see Stasiak tonight? Oh, methinks that he was laid out right next to Lex in that dressing room.

-The Announcers get face time. I guess there's a yearly quota of the number of times the name "Bischoff" must be mentioned on WCW television... because, by God, they went to work FILLING the order!

-Luger accuses a mysterious attacker of assaulting him.. (heh... It ain't Patterson!!!). Then Steiner charged in and.. oy vey

-Oh, it was Animal.

-Tony announces that NEXT week.. at PANAMA BEACH... the "Season Finale" of Monday Nitro. Tony sounded awfully chipper, didn't he?


-Stacy Keebler comes out. I guess she's with Shawn Stasiak now? I guess Stasiak is repackaged... heh... HA HA HAA... AFTER NEXT WEEK, WE WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!!!!! DO YOU ALL REALIZE THIS????

-Keebler welcomed us to the "Shawn and Stacey Show"... why don't we get the ball rolling now and perform a mini-cancellation OF OUR VERY OWN...


-Have you noticed that so far, each commercial break is sandwiched between TWO AOL spots?

Click Here For Part 2!!!

-Flair... Steiner... and the Bimbo (ain't gonna miss her) are out. Terry Taylor was in the ring. there was a table set up, with chairs. Steiner threw some chairs about.

-Booker came out. He stayed at the entranceway. With a mic, he told Flair and Steiner that he had Eric Bischoff standing by and these two cats will be well advised to SHUT THE HELL UP (oh cancel it NOWWW... PLEASE!!!).

-Bischoff's voice came on, thanking Booker.

-Bischoff said that he wanted to be there tonight... but because he can't stand to LOOK HIS WRESTLERS IN THE EYE AND TELL THEM HE FAILED!!! He chose to go hunting in Montana.

-Bischoff said that as most of us probably know, he has been trying to purchase WCW outright and make it a competitive organization worldwide. (Umm... DIDN'T YOU ALREADY DO THAT??? WHAT HAPPENED THERE EAZY E?????)

-Recently, they hit some roadblocks... that turned into brick walls. Well, while he still has some stroke left... he wants to enact one more directive... something befitting this organization that very well may never appear on Turner television again. 


-Oh, and he will have a Night of Champions next week... where every single title WCW owns will be up for grabs! (So, Who's the NWA International champion again? Who is the Western States Heritage Champion? Who owns that National Title? Who has the Georgia title? What about the Six Man Title? Isn't there a Bunkhouse Championship? I INSIST on knowing who the US Tag team Champions are? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO IS THE BATTLEBOWL RING CHAMPION!!!!!!!! WHERE'S THE DAMN TELEVISION TITLE, ERIC??? WHO GETS THAT F-ING STRAP!!!!!! 


-Uncle Eric said that Booker T and Scott Steiner will sign a contract NOW and have a title vs title match for next week.

-Then, Eric practically got on his knees and BEGGED any and all former WCW champions to come on down and share in the moment. Yes, Hulk... he's talking to YOUUU

-Hyatte's note: I am firmly aware that the odds that Hogan reads this column are about as great as the odds that I will one day score a blowjob from Burgess Meredith. But one can wish, can't one?

-Bischoff also told anyone considering his invite to bring their boots with them too. (Aww, too bad Hall sold his last pair on e-bay for some China White.)

-Finally, Bischoff begrudgingly told Flair that while he does have the utmost respect for him... it is truly in his best interests this evening to "Kiss Du... the Big Guy's ass tonight!" (which makes no sense since Flair is C.E.O!!! THE HEAD CHEESE!!! THE BIG DEAL!!! THE TOP MAN!!!! COME ONNNN!!!

-Bischoff screws Flair again! Flair started to scream, "FIRE ME, I'M ALREADY FIRED!!! FIRE ME, I'M ALREADY FIRED!!!!"

-Oddly enough, Tony and Hudson ignored the FINALITY of the announcement and focused on the HYPERBOLE!!! Which really isn't odd at all when you consider how many times they've handled things weirdly.

-The contracts were signed... then Steiner freaked out and powerbombed Booker through a table.

-Booker recovered before Steiner could use his WHITE PIPE!!!!! (they never learn... right up until the bitter end). Booker got hold of the pipe... Flair got Steiner out of there. Steiner yelled into a mic. Booker signed his part of the contract, then got on the stic and CONTINUED the WORST PROMO IN THE HISTORY OF THIS GREAT SPORT!!!

-they stretched out the standoff... allowing the Announcers ample time to begin drilling the importance of next week into our heads. (Ahh... it's like nostalgia now... the days when Nitro was king and every week was a promotion for the next)

-commercials. I'm sorry, but the movie Tomcats looks to be the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE SINCE THE GODFATHER. Seriously.

-footage of what just happened. Meanwhile, NO AOL commercials during this last segment!

-Backstage, Buff tells Jarrett and Flair that Scott (maybe Rick) is responsible for attacking their crew. Jarrett and Flair were more concerned with Du... the Big Guy's ass.

-Kanyon fought Smooth. Right.


-yes... AOL SPOTS!!

-Du... the Big Guy and his son brought out the Burritoes... you really think THAT metabolism is quick enough to digest that in 20 minutes and produce the desired rectal effects? Maybe if he started eating them 8 hours ago.

-Rick Steiner fought Konan. N-word PLEASE

-In fact... for MUCH of the middle of the match, all Konan did was lie there and cover the back of his head. I knew these are the two worst workers in the world, but if THEY aren’t going to try, why should I?


-yes... AOL is in da' house.

-Buff grabbed Rick and asked him outright if he was responsible for attacking... umm... people. Rick made like a river in Egypt and DENIED...

-err... for some reason, that worked perfectly in my head.

-Lance Storm and Mik... well Storm said that "sooner or later, those tag team belts will be OURS!" (heh, better be SOONER, dude!!)


-Flair got rid of the cameraman after agreeing with Jarrett over something.

-Team Canada came out. Storm got on the stick and said, "If I can be serious for a minute..." (It'll RULE if next week he says, "F-It" and moons the camera!) he said whatever he had to say. Mostly that tonight he and Mike start their "road to tag team gold"... and promised us that "it wouldn't be a long road" (no DUUH)

-Palumbo and O'Hare come out. It's pretty cool that they won cleanly over Buff and Luger last night. (Right?)

-Was this for the straps?

-I don't think so.

-Palumbo starts shoving Storm around. Storm was in... and took a beating from O'Hare

-Time passes... O'Hare BURIED Storm with a MASSIVE DDT... tags in Palumbo... Storm gets bounced around.

-O'Hare tries to whip Awesome... Awesome reverses it... Awesome whips O'Hare now. Meanwhile, Palumbo whips Storm... so Storm and O'Hare are heading towards each other. O'Hare TAKES STORM'S HEAD OFF WITH A CLOTHESLINE THAT WOULD MAKE BRADSHAW SAY "DAMN!!" Wild move.

-Awesome runs into a boot. O'Hare climbs the top rope. Storm shoves him off. Storm grabs a chair. Palumbo kicks it deep into his face.

-Awesome gets another chair and BLASTS Palumbo with it. Running Powerbomb. Awesome and Storm win the match... but no titles


-NO AOL spots.

-Jeff Jarrett comes out. Tony calls next week, "One of our most exciting Nitros of the year, no doubt! (Umm... it's still only MARCH!!)" He also brought back some old school Tony and said "Maybe one of the GREATEST NITROS IN HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!" (eh, why not?)

-Ric Flair came out.

-Flair got on the stick and said that he came out there because he is Ric Flair, he is good to his word... and he will make the proper decision as the CEO of WCW. So, he asked "Dirty" Du... the Big Guy Rhodes to come on out and let's get this over with!

-It's Dustin that came out. Flair told him to take off... this doesn't concern him.

-Dustin said he ain't missing this... he introduced his Father.

-That plagiarized theme music... damn them.


-Flair had a fit. Du... the Big Guy had a mic and said that this was "Silver Dollar" his "Meeeeuuule" (You honestly don't expect me to transcribe crap THIS late in the game, do you?)

-Silver Dollar chowed down on those burritos... so the "smell's gonna be goooood, bayyyaby" Du... the Big Guy ordered Flair to make a decision and come on down.

-Flair said that for the good of the company, it should be Jarrett doing the smooch.

-Jarrett refused... they argued. They WERE ABOUT TO FIGHT WHEN... 

-Dustin got too close and they BOTH attacked him!! IT WAS A SWERVE!! A SCREWJOB!!! A MASTER STROKE OF BRILLIANCE!!! MY GOD, HOW CAN THEY LOSE THIS SHOW?????

-Du... the Big Guy hit the ring... which meant Flair and Jarrett had about 5 minutes to tune of Dustin.

-Du... the Big Guy did his Bionic Elbow routine... hooray! (I'm really tired, folks)

-They fought a while... moving towards the Mule.

-Yes, Flair and Jarrett ended up kissing the mule... not that they were even in the VICINITY of his poop chute. But oh well.

-Heels were disgusted. Faces were cheered. Tony pushed for next week... ANNND.

-The show ended.

Jesus... I FORGOT how time consuming this was. Sorry about that.

It's tough to care about a show with angles that will more than likely be non-existent next week.

Raw, though... ROCKED!!! Very lively.

Next week, I'll treat Nitro with some dignity. I'll even explain why I find it so hard to be fair to it. It'll be a mini-AAT for the closer. 

A LITTLE dignity... I'll send it off with some righteous ball breaking too.

Speaking of closers, here you go! 

I'm gonna do you fatsos a favor here and straighten you out a little. Now, if physics and logic and statistics are correct... many of you are overweight... most probably are GROSSLY overweight and I'll bet a good chunk of you are total hippos. Hey, it's okay. You know, you aren't alone. America is fatter than ever. Most of us are porkers. I was... a few years ago... but I got my head together and made a few realizations about life and bad eating habits.

See, for me, my parents were both fat... so each week, it was a fight to see who could consume the most groceries in the least amount of time. I learned that I had to eat fast or else I'll lose a shot at second helpings... and I had to sneak into the kitchen to grab a few snacks or else my a-hole Father or slob Mother would gorge on them, themselves. This was my childhood... rejected by everyone... teased... marauded... assaulted... violated... daddy.. please... no... it huuuurts...

a-hem... anyway, then, right around 25 years old, I realized that it was time for a change. Now, I would cheerfully welcome a major heart attack to take me away from this life, but with my luck, I'd get diabetes... which is no fun. Plus, my knee was starting to hurt... and a bum knee is no fun either. Plus, it was high time to start getting laid WITHOUT paying for it in ten minute increments... so I went about losing weight... and dropped a good 80 pounds in a year or so. I did it through the one word you fatasses loathe to hear... EXERCISE!!!

But NOT a diet... I don't do diets, and neither should you. Diets are for housewives... diets don't work... because they set you up to think, "Okay, I'll follow this for a while, lose weight, then go back to my regular routine and like magic, it'll stay off!" No, no... all wrong... you'll gain it all back and it'll bring friends with it.

See, what I learned... what you fart machines need to learn is that you can eat damn near anything you want, you just have to eat LESS. You have to learn that if you buy a carton of Ice cream... you can eat a dish of it for dessert... then put it away and know that it will be there tomorrow. Fat people are all about consuming as much as they can, as fast as they can under some delusion that there will never be any more. It's revenge against the rejection you've gotten your whole lives. Food never rejects, you can eat as much as you want and there will always be more. Unlike some heartless c**ts... and evil parents whose names I won't mention.

In short.. you weak ass pussies... you whiny little crybabies... grow up. Stop feeling sorry for yourselves! Stop putting up this wall of fat around you so no one would want you and thus, can't get close enough to reject you and break your heart. Tear it down... rejection is not tragic.. it'll happen... you'll survive! DEAL WITH IT!!! Because it will not happen ALL THE TIME... and wouldn't be nice to feel a hand that isn't yours go down your pants for once? How about the fact that you can even SEE what he or she touches? Look, millions of people know how to eat normal and stay trim... there is ABSOLUTELY no reason why you (unless you have serious medical problems) cannot eat anything you want and stay trim... just set your head together.

But first, you have to lose weight the proper way AND learn how to eat smart. No diet needed... it's just a simple matter of thermodynamics... if you burn off more than you take in, you lose weight! It's also a matter of metabolism... right now, your metabolism is so used to taking the crap you eat, usually in one monster sitting, and storing the majority of it as fat. You have to get your metabolism going the way it was supposed to. It's supposed to be working all the time... 24/7. So, first I show you HOW to lose weight and redesign your feeding habits... then it's up to you to condition yourself to do it for the rest of your life. It's not hard... it's not scary... and the results are cooler than ANYTHING you can imagine!

Okay, first, you need to develop routines and habits... as opposed to BAD routines and BAD habits. So, you should make up a set menu and stick with it for one week. The same three meals a day for 7 days straight... then the next week, you can make a NEW menu, and stick with THAT one for 7 days straight. It's easier than having a variety of stuff to choose from, because then you won't have to think about what you're gonna eat tonight because when you do think about what you'll have for dinner, you Cows will inevitably make a beeline for Pizza Hut. Make a menu and stick with it for a week... or two... or three... or forever if you want.

Here... here's two menus for two weeks... this'll get you going.

Week One:

Breakfast: Two egg WHITES (because those yolks are loaded with bad gunk). Put some freshly chopped onions or peppers in them. Two slices of FAT FREE cheese works too. Make a nice omelet... using PAM pan spray... perhaps a splash of tobasco... give the dogs a jolt. A dish of oatmeal... like a cup and a half... now dump a small cup of FAT FREE yogurt in the oatmeal. It'll cool it down and make it nice and tasty. Have some 1% milk to wash it all down. BOOM... a good, clean, NORMAL breakfast. Once you drop your pounds, you can put the stupid yolks back in, if it makes all warm and toasty inside.

Lunch: A big bowl of salad. Lettuce, sliced tomatoes, chopped peppers. Onions. Cucumbers. Cook up two more egg whites, dice them up, and throw them in there. Not a HUGE bowl, but a good size bowl. Salads are good... you can eat tons of it. After the salad, eat an apple, or a banana, or an orange. Any type of fruit

Dinner: Hamburger or Chicken, or Tuna Helper is a great meal and not as fattening as you think. Cook up a batch, it's very easy. Throw in some frozen veggies in the pan as it cooks... broccoli, asparagus, green beans. Scoop a solid plateful, like maybe half the pan. Eat up. Now, take the REST of the pan and throw it into tomorrow’s salad! Boom! You're all set for the whole week.

You want snacks? Fruit, carrots, celery. Something healthy. 


Breakfast: Pour a cup of milk into a blender. Add two scoops of protein powder. Now throw in a handful of blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, or cut up an apple... or an orange... or any sort of fruit. Buy some more of that yogurt and dump a cup in there if you want. Put in one spoonful of creamy peanut butter (natural, if you have any willpower... but if you NEED that Skippy lard... okay then). Blend it up nice. You won't BELIEVE how much there will be to drink. It'll take care of you nicely.

Lunch. Boil up (or grill) two hot dogs... TURKEY hot dogs, you fat homo... cook a can and a half of baked beans (NO pork for you, chubby). Cut up the hot dogs. Mix the two. Toss in some onions for a nice kick... or some garlic. Eat. Have fruit or a veggie to finish it off.

Dinner. Buy some healthy soup... (avoid clam chowder). Cook it nice. Make a tuna sandwich (F-this fat free mayonnaise... a sensible dollop of normal Mayo ain't gonna kill you). Use wheat bread. Throw in some nicely chopped celery in the tuna and top it off with a slice of fat free cheese. Or have a turkey sandwich. Load up the mustard. Hell, even a roast beef sandwich is okay. Finally, make a SMALL salad to go with it. Dump the rest of that can of tuna you made into it, or slice up some of that turkey. How about that? A three course meal! You're eating NORMAL!!! Have a glass of wine too... or a light beer. JUST ONE!

That's it. That's all there is too it! Each week, mix up the menu. Check out that fat guy who lost a million pounds off the fat free Subway sandwiches. Pick one of those up for lunch or dinner. I hear they are pretty cheap. Another good meal is a bowl of rice, with a can of shrimp and a two cups of peas all mixed in. Nice grain bagels... make an egg white sandwich. Small bowl of Grape Nuts and milk. Yeah... thems the stuff

And drink a gallon of water a day. When you're pissing out nothing but water, your system is clean. 

Now, as far as exercising goes... make a tape or a mp3 disc of kick ass music, bring a walkman with you... and start WALKING... because your heart will explode if you attempt to sprint, blubber ass. What they say is true... much like a car that you haven't started in a while, you have to EASE your heart into activity a little before you floor it. Walk briskly... with a little music in your head, it's pretty fun. Do it at night... LATE at night... that way no one can see you and laugh at the fat bastard sucking wind as he waddles down the road. plus, sometimes you pass houses and you can hear couples banging each other. After two weeks or so, you can jog a bit. So long as you go fast enough to get the heart beating and some sweat flowing. 

Of course, if you are a black guy... walk during the DAY... because we ALL know what cops think of when they see a black guy jogging down the road in the middle of the night. 

That's it. And don't expect instant results. This shit takes time. Give it a month and you'll start seeing results. Two months and you'll really see results. Next thing you know, it's half a year and you've lost one of your chins! It goes by fast... I SWEAR!! If you start now, by Thanksgiving, you can give yourself a break and chow down with the family.


See? Listen to your Uncle Hyatte. I have the answers.

F-the Zone


Now excuse me... I have this sudden urge to sign up with AOL

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