Mop-Up Bonus: 04.16.01 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up Plus

So, if it ain't going to be about wrestling, then what? Well, I have a funny feeling a good chunk of you have an idea.

A few years ago, I discovered a unique little bond that many, and I mean MANY wrestling fans share, and that is a similar addiction to comic books. You guys LOVE them. Myself? I am at the point where really, I can take them or leave them, I usually make a pilgrimage to a couple of shops once or twice a year and load up on mass back issues and trade paperbacks. As a wannabe writer, I like the form and the challenge these comic book scribes have in telling unique stories under the tight restrictions that the big boys like Marvel and DC have. Rumor has it, Jim Shooter once decreed that every Marvel comic must have no less than 6 pages of fight scenes each issue, you try telling a deep, thoughtful tale under conditions like those.

The idea of doing a weekly Comic Mop-Up sprang a long time ago. Back at Scoops, I once tossed in a reference to Ralph Dibney DEEP in the Nitro recap. Well, wouldn't ya' know.... that small, tiny, throwaway line generated more response than ANYTHING ELSE that week. I got TONS of letters from people saying, "HEY, THE ELONGATED MAN!! I LOVE IT!!!". I was shocked, I didn't know there was such a mass of people who would catch onto such a B-character and the least known "Stretchy Guy" in the comic world. From then on, I'd try to toss a reference here and there, a couple of "Watchmen" shots.... maybe a line on John Byrne. Small stuff. I did a closer on comics that was well received, then did another one just recently that was VERY well received.... stuff like that.

So, I thought seriously about doing this over at ScoopThis, and even asked NoSex about it. Of course, since he didn't come up with the idea, he was all like, "well, forward me the text and maybe, if I'm feeling benevolent.... I MAY post it.... blah blah.... go read Lo Phat and learn from him, and remember how lucky you are that we took you aboard.... we wear black hats.... we are the BAD GUYS." I decided against doing it there, I actually wanted people to READ it.

So, with no more Nitro, I figured to give it a shot here. What the plan is to dig into my huge collection (8 long boxes, 7 of them jammed to capacity), take a book, or more likely a multi-issue storyline, and recap it.... page by page.... applying what I do in the RAW recap to the comic world. If I tried to "Mop-Up" the news and such, it would look too much like what Wizard does. If it takes off, great. Then I'll see about getting a mutual link to a big comic site and maybe let someone do a comic book weekly report on the top here. Report the news, new releases, and all that shit. If it doesn't take off, then we'll call it a nice try and I'll stop doing them. Cool?

Before I tell you just what my first recap will be, a couple of ground rules. It will be shorter than the RAW recap, because I have no desire to go back to 18 hour writing blocks. No closers either, that stays with the rasslin' column. I will only recap ONE comic book a week, so if I'm recapping a four part epic, it'll take a month before I arch into another storyline. I DO take requests, but I'm mostly (like 99.9%) sticking with Marvel or DC publications. Basically, you have a better chance of banging Neve Campbell than you do of seeing me recap Gen13 or W.I.L.DCats. Lastly, it will probably be more entertaining to you if you have the comic with you while you read this, so you can follow along.... but if you're at the office and don't really want your boss and co-workers seeing you with a copy of X-Men, I'm sure you can keep up.

Okay.... I covered everything, I guess. Let the great experiment begin, hang on to your Pog collection, fan boys.... because we are taking OFF!!!

And what better way to kick off this new thing then to recap the four part series that EVERY SINGLE FAN BOY had DREAMT about since time out of mind.... the most debated, drool inducing, pecker hardening event in the comic book INDUSTRY!!! No, not Spider-Man: Chapter One.... no no.... let us start things off with the ULTIMATE F-YOU TO IMAGE THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!!!!

Written by Ron Marz (His wife is Lucy Venuz)
Drawn by Dan Jurgens and some Italian dick
Inked by Joe Rubinstein and Paul Neary
Lettered by Your Momma
Colored by Your Pappy
Separated by Digital Chameleon, (some loser named "Leon" who wanted a cooler name)
Assistant Edited by Chris Duffy and Joe Momma
Edited by Mike Carlin and Mark Gruenwald.
Published in 1996 

Chapter One (or: But, where is Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew?)

-Opens with a big splash page of the Amazing SPIDER-MAN swinging through the streets on Manhattan.... well, through the SKIES of Manhattan.... and yes, we are told that it's Manhattan.... and no, the Editors did NOT think you were smart enough to know where Spidey was even though A: He lives there and B: Jurgens put the goddam CHRYSLER BUILDING in the background.

-Even though the Chrysler building is like.... a MILE high, and Spider-Man is clearing it, we can see people standing on the ground looking up. Yes, in the Marvel Universe, all skyscrapers are only 20 feet tall.

-Spider-Man, in his last "new" costume that they always try to put him in because the artists go daffy trying to draw those perfectly patterned webs all over his body, (F-ing Stan Lee), is swinging through the skies doing the one thing that EVERY super hero in EVERY Universe do.... having a deep, long conversation with NO ONE!!!


-No, he's SPEAKING, while swinging.... talking about how he LOVES this town and how GOOD it is to be back. He reminded the reader who deserted Marvel when DeFalco started putting silver and gold embossed covers on every piece of crap book and calling it a "special event" (which doesn't explain the month he put one of those covers on DARKHAWK!! There was NEVER a "special issue" OF Darkhawk.... except for the last one, 'natch) and soaking the kids for a good $6 a pop that the REAL Spider-Man won't be along for this epic event, oh no.... we get the CLONE of Spider-Man.... we get, BEN REILLY!!!

-One can only wonder how many read that the Clone will be in this and said, "Aw F**K me!" 

-Ben F-Ing Reilly.... I haven't seen a bigger blunder since Larry Hama created the ultimate black stereotype hero ever, Rage, and put him in the Avengers.

-in another bit of subtle anti-Semitism, you will note that the CLONE, took a Jewish last name.... ponder that for a while.

-oh, but for a WHILE the Clone was actually the REAL guy while the REAL guy whom we spent the better part of the 70's, 80's, and the early 90's with was in fact, the Clone. All I know is that one of them is a Jew.... AND I'M BETTING IT'S THE CLONE!!!!

-we flip to the next page, where Clony-Man swings low enough to spot a "grubby looking guy and a cardboard box" (in NEW YORK??? NOOOO WAY!!!!). He notes that the box is glowing. Spidey swings down to RESCUE THE HOMELESS MAN!!! YES, HE MUST BE SAVED!!!! HE MUST LIVE TO SPLASH MORE MUD ON WINDSHIELDS, THEN WIPE THEM CLEAN SO HE CAN ACCOST THE DRIVERS FOR A FEW SHEKELS!!!! 

-As soon as Spider-Jew gets too close, a ray of light from the glowing box zaps him (YEAH, where's your spider-sense NOW???? Clone Boy!!!) Spidey vanishes mid-sentence.

-Meanwhile, a young man is just around the corner from all this.... he follows the glow and asks the bum if he's okay. The bum wakes up from cheap ass Popov induced stupor, and starts fondling the cardboard box. He demands that the boy help him. The boy takes off, muttering that the last thing he needs in his life....

-CUT TOO.... to get tangled up with some crazy dude is finished and used as a nice little seque to....

-Spider-Man, all disoriented and caught in a rainstorm. (IT'S THE TEARS!!!! THE TEARS FROM A MILLION READERS WONDERING JUST HOW LONG THIS CLONE BULLSHIT WILL LAST!!!!). He asks, "Where am I"?

-Who should answer him but the JOKER!!!! Who says "No. No. No. The REAL question is WHO are you?"

-The Joker answers his own question, recognizing him as Spider-Man, commenting on his new wardrobe since they last "tangoed". Yes, I was just as baffled as you. How can the Joker remember that "Alternative-Universe" special where he and Carnage teamed against Batman and Spider-Man if they are going with the two separate universes story. The answer, the Joker is crazy, clinically psychotic.... nutty as a fruitcake.... he has access man, he can SEE!!!!!!!

-Oh, so Ron Marz f-ed up the script..... so what? The guy got to write the first issue of the ultimate crossover tale.... he probably had a load of Hershey squirts in his underoos just as he wrote that sentence.

-Spidey still had no clue who the Joker was. He asked if the Circus was in New York. The Joker told him he was in Gotham, home of Flying Rodents and Murderous Disfigured Psychotics. (Plus, more copies of The Buzz on Professional Wrestling were sold there than anywhere else!). Spidey still had no idea what a "Gotham" was. He also was bright enough to question why a clown was standing on a building rooftop in the middle of the night.... and in the RAIN to boot! (because people who paint their faces white, paint a big red smile on their faces, dress in gay clothes, and love children are NORMAL???)

-The Joker said that he was going to blow the building up, but fireworks are pretty lousy in the rain. Instead, he thought he might go kill the Weatherman instead. (Ooo, ooo.... I vote for Al Roker!) he gives Spidey his card and jumps off the building. Spidey tries to save him but the Joker has a parachute, and floats away. Spidey looks at the card, it was a JOKER!!! (because it would look pretty damn silly if he screwed up and gave him the Ace of Clubs)

-speaking of the JOKER.... we jump ELSEWHERE and see someone ELSE holding a JOKER card.... only this card was GLOWING!!

-It was the X-Men, Wolverine, Storm, and Gambit.... fighting the Juggernaut for no good reason other than HE'S THERE!!! Wolverine has his bone claws out and is about to break them against Marko's UNSTOPPABLE, INVINCIBLE body (helloooo? I know it's an exciting time and all but can we please stay within the BOUNDARIES OF THEIR OWN CHARACTER GUIDELINES???)

-I guess not, because the Juggernaut quickly vanishes and jumps to the next page where....

-He punches a hole in a building!! The building is the Daily Planet! As Marko scratches his head in confusion, he eats a punch to the face.... AND GOES DOWN!!!!

-He looks up to see SUPERMAN tell him, "You're in the wrong place, Mister!" (heh, that's what my Mom used to say whenever I tried for a little anal)

-Yes, Superman knocked down the Juggernaut. Yes, the Juggernaut's power is based on magic and sorcery. Yes, Superman is vulnerable to magic and sorcery. Yes, not only should the Juggernaut have LAUGHED at the punch but he should have given Supes a Doomsday-like beating. Yes, DC is the company publishing this particular issue of the series. Yes, DC is biased. Yes someone in DC thought Superman should have a MULLET haircut. Yes, you are a homo.

-commercials.... well, ads. DC's "New" Monthly series, Batman & Robin Adventures makes DC "A Universe of Adventure"

-Also an ad for the new Spider-Man, "It's time to show the world that there's only one friendly neighborhood Spider-man. And for the first time in years. It's ME!" (Yes, and you damn near killed the franchise.... douchebag.)

-back to the story, the Bum has the cardboard box all taped up, and starts to muse about how he doesn't even want to THINK about what would happen if "the two of them got together" We say hello to ironic foreshadowing as....

-the damn box explodes (no wonder's he's homeless, he can't even keep a hunk of cardboard together).... the bum starts to freak.... what madness will be unleashed on both our unsuspecting planets??? 

-Captain America vanishes while fighting Hydra on Ellis Island!! The poor bastard's only a year away from having Liefield put a damn flag on his forehead. 

-Wonder Woman saves a Cop from a collapsing bridge. While WW is straining to hold the bridge up, the Cop is reaching his hand up to her chest to try and score a feel off her yams. This is why chicks would NEVER make cool super heroes.... 

-The Hulk.... smart like Banner, built like the rampager, but with the attitude of Joe Fixit, is zapped away while camping with his wife, Betty. 

-Superboy is whisked away from a beach surrounded by babes in hot little thong bikinis. Sort of like when the alarm shocks you out of a really nice dream. Now, switch hot babes in thongs with hot GUYS in thongs and then you're entering Dusty the fat, bitter vagina's REM territory. 

-Is there any such thing as a comic chick with b-cups? Even Aunt May has been seen packing 36 Cs

-You will note that even surrounded by these hot babes, Superboy is sporting no noticeable wood.... even with super tight spandex on. Hmm.... maybe he IS Dusty.

-In Deep Space, Lobo is cleaning house. Before HE gets zapped away, he pulls off a great line to one of his intended victims.... 

-Lobo: "Nobody calls Lobo a six-toed Czarnian Tree Sloth an' lives to tell the tale!"

-Victim: "But I didn't call..."

-Lobo: "Doesn't matter!!! Ya might have LATER! So I'm gonna kill ya ANYWAY!!"

-HAW! Great line!

-In Westchester, The X-Men try to figure out what happened to the Juggernaut. The Beast says that he calibrated the temporal and sub-space whoozitchacallit and did a few other things that the lazy ass writer stole from Star Trek: The Next Generation and ultimately stated that the Juggernaut simply vanished. Wolvie was more than happy to see him go. Professor X, being the caring little nitwit that he is, wanted to know MORE! Before the X-Man did something FOOLISH, like clear up a dangling plot line or two that they've had cluttered about since the 80's, Wolvie, Gambit, and Storm all VANISHED!! Leaving Xavier, Cyclops, Marvel Girl, and the beat to stand around and moan, "We've been with Marvel since the 60's and this is our ONLY appearance in this crossover! We're ALWAYS getting F-ed over!! This SUCKS!!!!"

-ads.... The Thing says, "Bring on Doc Doom! Bring on the Molecule Man! Heck, you can bring on the entire Yancy Street Gang fer all I care! Stretcho's back! And clobberin' days are here again!!" (See, for a while, Reed was off the FF book for a while and Sue became leader. Then they brought back Lyra, Ant-Man, Nathan Richards, Kristoph Von Doom, and an Older Frankin Richards and totally screwed up the mag. During all this, the Avengers were running around with no cap, no Thor, and no Iron Man.... plus the Spider-Man clone saga was underway. AND YOU WONDER WHY THEY FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY????

-DC is a "Universe of Wonder".... yes, you wondered how they COULDN'T become number one during this dark, dark period in Marvel history.

-back to the story, Green Lantern, Elektra, the Flash, Thor, Aquaman, and just about everyone else in the big fight were zapped away.... all in two quick pages.... because let's face it, no one gave a flying fudge as to what Quicksilver or Captain Marvel were doing before getting taken away. 

-meanwhile, Bullseye found himself in the BATCAVE.... holding Robin hostage with a KNIFE!!! Batman was right there, "If you hurt the boy.... I am your worst nightmare. I am the BATMAN. (N-word PLEASE!! You're the tramp who got his back snapped by an idiot on steroids)

-Bullseye wasn't impressed, (characters who have been written by Frank Miller are RARELY impressed). He starts referring to himself in the third person as he demands answers from Batman before he starts cutting himself some prime chickenhawk. 

-Robin shows that he's no Jason Todd by ELBOWING Bullseye in the throat and scampering away. Batman throws his bat-a-rang. Bullseye catches it and throws it back. (LOOK OUT BATMAN!!! HIS POWER IS HIS SUPER AIM!!!! LOOK OUUUUT!!)

-Bats hears MY warning! (I RULE!!) and ducks.... he launches in and CLOCKS Bullseye with a left uppercut. Teeth go flying and Bullseye goes down, whimpering, "you hit.... even harder..... than.... daredevil....". He's out cold. 

-Bats chastises Robin for making a move and risking his life against this guy. Robin responded that he felt Bullseye's lap stiffening against his boy wonderful tush (Robin ain't no FAG!! Bullseye IS!!!) so he had to bail. They both start to wonder just what is going on when...

-Robin vanishes. Batman shouts "ROBIN!! Then says, "Tim...". Too late, he's gone! Batman mutters, "If this is the Joker's doing.... I swear, THIS time I'll kill him.... no, no, I REALLY MEAN IT this time! No!! Seriously! Well, maybe not... NO!! I MEAN I WILL!!"

-Robin, meanwhile, lands on the bed of Jubilee, she of the Generation X team. Jubilee and Husk see him pop in. Husk asks if "Jubes" was expecting a Boy to be delivered. Jubilee says "nope", (oh what sparkling dialogue) but she did like his fashion sense. See, Jubilee also wears yellow and red with some blue.... she also wears a trenchcoat.... in her bedroom.... in the middle of the day.... with no bad guys anywhere NEAR the base. Think she's still a virgin? Hell, she could be a writer for Wrestleline.

-Meanwhile, Superman flies towards the Daily Planet, with FOUR FREEDOMS PLAZA standing behind it, and LEX LUTHOR'S BUILDING behind THAT. Of course, in any given comic Lex's building would be anywhere from right next door to clear on the other side of the Daily Planet. The damn thing is a MUTIE!!!!

-Clark Kent is in the building as J. Jonah Jameson, new publisher of the Planet, is demanding that he get cracking on his story. Lois Lane is there to once again establish herself as the most sexless chick in ANY comic universe (she is NEVER hot). 

-Interesting, on the wall in one of the background is a framed Newspaper that reads "JAPAN SURRENDERS!".... The Japs surrendered? When? And why? What does DC have against the Japs? Well, other than that Jim Lee prick, but he's a Chink, isn't he?

-Clark reminds Jameson that the Planet is a non-smoking building. He's got that right, Lois Lane is NOT a smoking babe.

-Yes, I'm just as lame HERE as I am when recapping RAW

-What the Hell, in a nifty little CROSSOVER of my very own, how about we do the comic book version of the great CARNAC!!!! 

-And now it’s time for a visit from.... a traveler from the East! The All-Knowing, All-Seeing. Mystic, Sage, Soothsayer, and Peter David’s personal Masseuse.... Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s plane! It’s really a plane!! the plane is going to CRASH!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!! No, No, I’m joking, please welcome, CARNAC: THE UNCANNY!!!

-Thank you, thank you.... whoops *fwip, crash*

-Are you all right, oh Great One??

-I am fine.... I tripped. Get on with it!

-I hold in my hand three envelopes! A mutant with the power to detect sealant glue can tell that they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a jar in a compartment up the Vision’s ass since noon today.... NO ONE knows the contents of these envelopes, but YOU, Carnac.... with your non-mutie, non-meta, born on earth powers of deduction shall announce what’s inside! ARE YOU READY, OH GREAT ONE??

-Carnac is ready! I demand absolute silence!

-Often times, Carnac gets absolute silence.

-The first envelope

-the FIRST envelope.... hermetically sealed.... up the Vision’s ass.

-*Carnac places envelope on forehead.... Meals on wheels


-Meals on Wheels


-*rip... poof*

-What do a tribe of Cannibals call Professor Xavier and Barbara Gordon?


-May your only daughter fall in love with Northstar!


-May Kevin Smith give you a 100’000 word script for a 22 page comic book!


-The Second Envelope

-The second envelope!

-*Carnac places envelope on forehead.... Mark Waid’s leftovers


-*rip.... poof*

-What do you get when you bang Devin Grayson?


-Thank you, thank you

-I hold in my hand the LAST envelope

-audience roars with approval

-May your life depend on Rob Liefield making a deadline

-May you’re girlfriend accuse you of being quicker than the Flash

-May the Thing get laid before you do!


-Give me the last envelope

-The LAST envelope!

-*Carnac places envelope on forehead.... Stan Lee’s toupee, Reed Richard’s finger, and Rebecca Romaine Stamos as Mystique.

-Stan Lee’s toupee, Reed Richard’s finger, and Rebecca Romaine Stamos as Mystique.

-*rip.... poof*

-Name three things you want to yank off!!!


-Thank you! I am Carnac!


-okay, back to business.

-Jameson tells Kent that he'll smoke when and where he wants to. And not to call him Chief. Now it would REALLY be cool if Jameson started to carry on about the "Superman menace".... but no one is allowed to badmouth Supes. No one.

-Lois explains to us that Jameson was the "Mysterious Publisher" who took over the Planet and forced Perry (White) out! All in the space of 30 MINUTES!!! 

-Clark sits down to write his story, he draws inspiration from a picture of Absorbing Man fighting Steel. (Ha!! Creed could knock the chrome off Steel's armor! MARVEL 1.... DC 0)

-ads. Green Lantern visits Gotham just so Batman can waste time telling him what it takes to be a hero. This makes DC a "Universe of Power!"

-Daredevil says that "I know all about your hidden guns. I know your knives before they're ever pulled. I know your arsenic lies before they squirm free from your sweaty lips. I know all this and I'm not afraid, You may have escaped the law, but you won't escape me. The man without fear is back!" (feh, just get a skank to bat her eyes at him and he'll melt like ice cream in the Gobi)

-Back to the story, Various crossover battles are given the one panel treatment as Clark Kent bangs out a column. He gets through one sentence before referencing Superman. (and we're supposed to believe that no one HAS CAUGHT ON YET???? BOTH MEN START WEARING MULLETS AT THE SAME TIME AND NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON OTHER THAN BATMAN FIGURED IT OUT?????)

-As Kent waxes journalist poetic, we see that the Green Lantern went at it with the Green Goblin (GL would kick arse.... DC 1, Marvel 1). Bane pounding on Captain America's shield (Marvel 2, DC 1), and Daredevil knocking the Riddler off his feet. (3 to 1, Marvel)

-We also see Batman mucking with Venom. Bats would figure out a way. (DC gets a point)

-Shazam dealing with Doctor Doom (YOUR ASS!!!!! DOC DOOM RULES!! Marvel 4, DC 2)

-The Punisher is FIGHTING Deathstroke, they are shooting uzis at each other.... yet neither man scores a hit.... (Punisher is God, Marvel 5, DC 2)

-Demon vs Ghost Rider (neither wins because they both SUCK)

-J'ohn J'onnz and Firestorm go at it with the Thing and the Human Torch. Poor Ben and Johnny, they are the first FAMILY of Marvel and they get reduced to this one panel for the entire series. J'ohn is Mr JLA and HE gets wedged in with a numbhead who once OWNED the 80's comic scene but was dicked around with too much.

-Dr Strange, in a femmy 80's part-down-the-middle hairstyle and a 70's leisure suit is getting all trippy with the Starman kid.

-Hawkman and Angel, and She-Hulk and Supergirl all make an appearance. Angel is the worst. Hawkman is even worse than the worst. Who cares about Supergirl and She-Hulk ain't squat with John Byrne writing her.

-Superman is fighting Annihilus.... how did the Negative Zone get in there? And Spider-Clone is fighting the Man-Bat. 


-Thank you

-Clark wraps up his sizzling editorial just in time to meet the Planet's NEW photographer....

-Peter Parker (OH THANK GOD HE'S BACK!!), who quickly tells Clark that his REAL name is Ben Reilly (aw crap). They meet and shake hands. Reilly and Kent agree that whatever's happening.... it's too big for either of them.... (AHA!!! SO RON PERLEMAN IS THE CAUSE BEHIND ALL THIS!!!)

-SEGWAY CITY BABY..... to really grasp it next page, one of those double splash pages where two characters are doing the same thing at the same time, that be musing over the Universal happenings that are presently unraveling the blah, blah, blah.... It's the Spectre and the Living Tribunal.... AND NEITHER OF THEM KNOW JUST WHAT DO DO!!!!

-Last page, both beings fear that something is terribly wrong. As we see two OTHER beings.... one mostly in blue but with splashes of red and the other in mostly RED with splashes of blue are about to TOUCH fingers.... therebye BREAKING through their respective Universes and.... yadda yadda yadda.

-The scariest part is that these two new beings look EXACTLY like SHOGUN WARRIORS!!!! MY GOD!!! THE JAPS OWN NOT ONE, BUT TWO UNIVERSES!!!! THEY DIDN'T SURRENDER!! IT'S ALL A RUSE!!!!!

-ads. Wolverine says, "For years I've been fighting to tame the beast inside me. Why'd I even bother?" (Because, Healing factor or not, those Gerbils can BITE! Wolvie.... ya' little Canadian fairy) 

-Kingdom Come is coming to the DC Universe, "A Universe of Heroes".

-Both Mike Carlin and Mark Gruenwald get some page space to talk about how cool this all is. Interesting, in the third paragraph, Gruenwald says that if you voters don't elect the Hulk to beat Superman, he will drop DEAD!! You little bastards should have listened to the man.

-Then we get some stats on all the big fighters. I ain't recapping this. Too wordy.

The book ends. Next week, part TWO!!! Unless I am universally crapped on for this.... then there won't be ANY more of these and I may take another month off from RAW and AAT just for good measure. Just to spite your little dickfilled asses.

Closer time. This week I thought I'd.... oh yeah, right. I forgot.

Bite me, Fanboy. 

Make Mine 411!!! 

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