Mop-Up Bonus 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up Bonus

All right. Yes, it scored. Yes many people enjoyed it. So yes, I am keeping it going.

Lots of suggestions for the next series to recap. My only problem is that if the quality of the story is TOO good, then it'll be hard to make fun of. Not impossible, but hard.

Anyway, I'm fairly sure of what to do next. I'll tell you about it when I'm f-ing ready. Stick your thumbs up your asses and WAIT!

Written by Peter David (Who also write Star Trek books, and is bald and fat... think he gets laid?)
Drawn by Dan Jurgens and some Italian dick (only in reverse)
Inked by Joe Rubinstein and Paul Neary (same as above)
Lettered by Your Momma (so long as she's named Bill Oakley)
Colored by Your Pappy (so long as he banged Bill Oakley
Separated by Digital Chameleon, (some loser named "Leon" who wanted a cooler name)
Assistant Edited by Chris Duffy and Joe Momma (no relation to Your Momma)
Edited by Mike Carlin and Mark Gruenwald.
Published in 1996 

Chapter Two (or: Wonder Woman grips Thor's "Hammer")

-Page 1 opens with a HUGE splash page close-up of eyes, frightened eyes.... wide eyes.... amazed eyes.... eyes that say, "you mean.... my story is in the hands of a 40 year old bald TREKKIE???"

-Plenty o' boxes fill the page, explaining that once Axel Asher caught his Sister in their parent's bedroom playing with Dad's "gun". (Hey kid, that ain't water Daddy's pistol is shooting). Furiously, Axel ran over to her and YANKED the gun out of her hands!! (No, no... Daddy loves ME!)

-Anyway, Axel squeezed prematurely (Daddy didn't seem to mind) and heard a loud noise. He looked down to see blood running down his leg. His Sister remarked, "I thought that only happened to Mommy once a month?"

-Up until this moment, that was the single most traumatic moment of Axel's LIFE.... (well, that and the constant beatings he took at school for being named such a silly ass name! "Hey Ass Swell!!!! YA LITTLE HOMO!!!")

-This was, until.... his consciousness become cognizant of the first ever meeting between... umm... oh what the F**k is Peter David rambling about?

-So, Axel is disoriented.... being the entire nexus between two Universes will do that to you.... and a cop spots him weaving around like a drunk. The cop goes over to question him (HA!!! YEAH, RIGHT!!)

-Suddenly, ANOTHER cop approaches. One is from New York. The other is from Gotham. The New York guy never heard of Gotham. The Gotham guy has heard of New York, but isn't impressed (Gotham has winged bats, evil clowns, scarred ex-lawyers, and a idiot who run gangsters with a Ventriloquist’s Dummy. New York has Latrell Sprewell). The two cops start to bicker.... Asher starts to muse about how the city has gone down the "sewer"

-SUDDENLY.... (because there had to be an excuse for such a badly awkward segue)... a manhole cover POPPED out and out came Wolverine and Killer Croc! Two animals with BLOODLUST IN THEIR HEARTS AND VIOLENCE IN THEIR SOULS!!!! Ah, and one is a huge selling character while the other is a two bit Bat Villain used in-between Joker stories. You tell me who's gonna win.

-Croc: "Oh look! An audience to watch me tear you to bits!"

-Wolverine: "Good, they can applaud your final curtain!" (oh come ON!! I've seen better script writing on Nikki

-Meanwhile, who should be there but both Clark Kent and Peter (Damn Dirty CLONE) Parker! Both men are busy being reporters while wondering how to ditch the other guy in order to switch costumes and save the day. (How come no one ever just says, "Ooops, gotta pinch a loaf!" It's foolproof.)

-Meanwhile, Axel wanders off. We are told that he's always been a "roamer" (He dresses up like that Touched By An Angel chick?). He "roams" over to an ATM machine, but the thing keeps spitting out his card. Just as he's about to give the ATM's camera a full view of him committing a felony.... he sees a harsh glow come from an alleyway.... he seems to recognize the glow.

-It's the Old Bum with the funky cardboard box! The Old Bum screams, "THERE'S A UNIVERSE TO SAVE!!!! NO TIME FOR EXPOSITION!!!".... then he takes a swig of some MD 20/20.... 'cause it's always time for some BOOZIN'!!!

-Meanwhile, Thanos: Consort of Death (and one ugly mutha) gets a visitor.... a visitor named DARKSEID!!! Are they friends? Are they foes?? Oh, those c**k-teasing little bitches are gonna make us wait until NEXT month, because...

-We see Captain America throw his shield at BANE! Bane ducks. No shield?? Cap is SCROOWED!!

-Meanwhile, someone.... someone who looks like Rick Jones is in the Warner Bros. shop demanding to get his paws on the new Bishop "Poseable Action Figure" (i.e.: a DOLL!!!! THEY ARE DOLLS!!! IF YOU HAVE DOLLS, YOU ARE A LITTLE GIRL!!! GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD!!!) The WB store cashier has no clue what an "X-Men" is. Then the cashier offered to sell Jones WCW. Wow, even back then they wanted to unload the company. 

-Wolverine and Killer Croc smashed through the building and continued fighting.... all bad puns were gone because both men were in BESERKER MODE!!!! (Wolvie is what... 4 feet tall? He's a berserk midget. Oo, I'm scared)

-Up on a rooftop, Nightwing watched the fight and debated whether to run in and cause a screwjob.... we see a charged card behind him.

-And for no reason at all, Storm runs into Wonder Woman. Storm yells, "GODDESS".... WW smirks, "No, Amazon". We are cut away before WW can ask how a black chick can have such white hair. STRAIGHT white hair t'boot.

-Meanwhile, Bane is about to break Captain America's back. (Jeeze, learn another trick Paco!). What Bane didn't know was that Cap's shield had bounced off nine building, three street lamps, a flagpole, Stan Lee's iron toupee (*CLANG), rode a passing wind current, took the e-train to 42nd and Broadway, stopped into Blimpies for a Turkey on Rye, took in a showing of Cats, was mugged, took a cab, bounced off the Letterman studio, ricocheted off the Times Square Jumbotron, and came back to BLAST Bane right behind the head! A PERFECT THROW!!! Cap picked up his shield and quipped, "Now... no more backtalk from you!" (ooph.... no writer alive can make cap humorous)

-Meanwhile, Batman is stalking the Lizard. (But he's a tortured SCIENTIST, DAMMIT!!!) He whips around to see Nightwing fighting Gambit. Seeing how his track record with partners is about as good as his track record with his own parents, he blew off the Lizard and went to help his oldest former protege.

-ads: The Silver Surfer does NOT control the Power Cosmic.... it is the Power Cosmic that controls HIM!!! (The man flies through space on a surfboard.... ever stop to think about that?)

-ads: DC is a "Universe of Adventure" because Superman is there. Sadly, most fans would not give a flying crap if he never woke up from Doomsday’s whuppin'

-Back to action... the Bum and Axel are debating the virtues of duct tape when they SHOULD have been chilling out this f-ing glowing cardboard box. (No writer should EVER write that sentence). The box explodes.

-Both the Spectre and the Living Tribunal both agree that it's TOO LATE!!! 

-Meanwhile, Batman showed up in time to see Nightwing just recovering from a Gambit blast. Not wanting to admit that a douche in a trenchcoat punked his ass in front of his Teacher.... "Dick" muttered something about getting sucker punched. He assumed (hoped? Prayed?) that they were probably miles away by now.

-Not really.... just to make SURE that Nightwing knows that he is Gambit's bitch, both he and Wolverine jack the Batmobile and take off with it. (They must have saw the movie). To seal the deal, they drove off to Gotham to bang Catwoman, Vicki Vale, and the Huntress.... and to slap that chick in the wheelchair around too.

-to make matters worse, we see that the Mole Man has invaded the batcave. Batman, however is focused on finding out whatever happened to...

-Robin.... who was busy making time with Jubilee. They were on her bed, fully clothed.... Loser.

-Suddenly, a light envelopes... well... everybody. The Bum grimly states that after years of holding it together.... the "Brothers" have finally "noticed each other". he tells Axel to hold on and try not to go nuts....

-Thus begins a really lame explanation that these two brothers.... who looked like Shogun Warriors were pretty much "God" in their respective Universes. Gods who had no clue the other existed.... but, thanks to a Cosmic Shake-Up that literally TORE APART THE FABRIC OF THEIR UNIVERSES.... they finally noticed each other.... and they aren't too happy.

-So, because for them to fight would be pointless.... (why not just start a juicy Internet Feud???).... they decided to take 11 of their greatest champions and pit THEM against each other. Since even Gods don't want to see anyone get HURT (oye!! tell that to Job, tell that to Jesus, for Chrissakes) the winner only has to immobilize the loser for a few seconds in order for them to win. The Universe that has the most winners gets to remain. The loser gets handed to Top Cow Comics.... which is damn sure a fate worse than death.

-Why couldn't they just have the Beyonder and the Anti-Monitor team up to cause shit or something? It would have been SO much simpler.

Click Here For Part 2!!!

-The Bum and Axel discuss what they just witnessed. We are told that the box is actually a "shard" of the Big Brothers that were blown away during the Big Bang. The key word here is BIG. One of the shards is the cardboard box. Two other shards were the souls of the Bum and Axel. They were doorways between both Universes. Why can't cool stuff like that ever happen to ME? Why am I stuck here banging out these ridiculous recaps?

-Ads: Batman: Contagion is coming.... well, it came and went actually. After this, they got an Earthquake, followed by the long ass "No Man's Land", which, initially.... I just thought was the name of DC's first ever Dyke Villainess.

-Ad for Thor during the time he was turned into a Human, I think I'm the only guy who sort of liked that Thunderstrike dude.


-It was Thor vs Captain Marvel. Thor was in a silly new costume, no doubt courtesy of some artist who thought HE, and no one else, could re-mold a character, make it huge, and become a LEGEND!!!!!! (the costume lasted slightly longer than a condom on a virgin)

-They make introductions.... 

-Marvel, "Captain Marvel, with the strength of Hercules, the Power of Zeus, the speed of Mercury!"

-Thor, "pfffth.... Ni**a PLEASE! That ain't sheeit, and shouldn't you be a black female who had a brief run with the Avengers in the 80's before being shuffled off to the land of 'weak B-characters?'"

-Marvel, "Err.... and the virility of the guy who played 'Zorba the Greek'?"

-Thor, "Od's blood!"

-Thor and CM lock eyes.... then they decide on doing the only thing they can do....

-They pray. CM prayed to Zeus, Hercules, Apollo, Mercury, Achilles, and Solomon. Thor prayed to.... umm.... himself. 

-Elsewhere.... Thanos confronts Darkseid and asks him if he wants to bet on the winner between the Disciple of Death and the Lord of Destruction, (which one does Mr. Tito write for?)? Darkseid called Thanos a "pale imitation of me" (HEY!!! THAT'S WHAT I CALL EVERY SINGLE WEB GUY!!!!!!!)

-Meanwhile, Lois Lane notices that people are actually BETTING on which Universe gets the boot, she is shocked.

-Suddenly, two Scarecrows snag her and proceed to proof which one has the longest "straw", Peter Cloneker steps in and breaks it up. He helps Lois to her feet. Superman spots this in the air and wonders if he should be jealous. (dude, if this was real life.... not even Brad Pitt would be a threat to the guy)

-Meanwhile, Rick Jones and Snapper Carr debate over the Thor/CM showdown. Useless character: Thy name is Snapper Carr

-CM knocks Thor with a haymaker.... saying that they really should be talking the two beings into becoming friends. Thor responds with a hammer shot and that there's JUST NO TIME DAMMIT!!!

-Thor offers Cap a shot to forfeit. Cap boasts about having the power of Hercules. Thor laughs, "Zounds!! Dost thou know how many times Thor hath made Hercules cry like a Kitchen WENCH???"

-Cap throws an entire Ferris Wheel at Thor. The hammer takes care of it. It smashes back into CM. CM is buried.... and trapped. Not wanting to be immobile, he turns into Billy Batson (Bruce Wayne is his DADDY!!) to scuttle out of there.. Batson yelled "SHAZAM" again to switch back. Thor throws his Hammer into the coming lightening bolt. Big explosion.

-Thor sees that Batson is out. Thor wins. But his friggin' hammer bailed out on him (must have went to meet Cap's shield at a Bath House or something)

-Actually, it landed in front of Wonder Woman, for no discernible reason or explanation. Nope, she was just there.

-WW reads the inscription on the hammer, "Whosoever Holds This Hammer, If He Be Worthy, Shall Possess the Power of... THOR" (yes, even Asgardians know the dramatic value of the three dot pause.... and they used COMMAS!!!)

-WW comments about the "subjective" nature of how only "He" can be "worthy" Why can't a GIRL be worthy? (ahh, shaddup, you bitch!). She reaches down to touch it. Energy engulfs her. She screams, "ARRRHH"!!

-Ads: Domino thinks Cable is just right to lead X-Force. Ultimately, Marvel went with Warren Ellison, (for a while, at least)

-The Legion of Super-Heroes makes DC a "Universe of Power". That book still on the stands?

-Elsewhere, Aquaman and Namor begin THEIR fight! Aquaman keeps ducking Namor's punches and making humorous asides about Namor's fairy ankle wings. Namor retorts that perhaps Aquaman lost his hand from patting himself on the back too often?

-Aquaman says that they are too evenly matched, so why don't they settle this fight with a good game of Scrabble? Namor points out that the letter pieces would just float off the board since they are in water and all. Then Namor slugs him.

-Meanwhile, Flash is making Quicksilver know that not even Marvel would even ATTEMPT to sell Quicky as his equal. Their fight causes an oil tanker truck to swerve out of the way and upturn.... the truck explodes just as a young kid hops out of the cab looking for his Poppa. Flash saves the kid and his sister. Quicksilver uses Flash's distraction to pummel him with a hundred million blows! (Fast little prick). As he stood over the obviously IMMOBILIZED Flash, Quicksilver took time to get guilty over taking advantage of the Flash while he was saving a couple of kids. (right.... a whole Universe at stake.... who cares about a couple of brats?) During this reflection of guilt, Flash recovers and wastes Quicksilver. The score is tied 1-1

-More meanwhile, Aquaman wraps Namor up with his detachable hook hand (great way to fondle babes from across the club). Aquaman announces that the cord is unbreakable, but he does like Namor's hair. (*COUGHfaggotCOUGH*) Namor calls him a "blonde buffoon". He says that no cord can restrain the true "Scion of Atlantis" (try using THAT line on the babes).

-Aquaman says that he's done "plenty of SIGHIN' in Atlantis too".... Namor calls him an IDIOT!

-Suddenly, a Killer Whale Free Willy's out of the water and lands right on top of Namor. Aquaman salutes him, saying that Namor's whole problem was that he was too noble to cheat. (plus he screams, "IMPERIOUS REX" all the time, like a Douche)

-The score is 2-1, DC!

-Meanwhile, at the Daily Planet, Lois Lane and Peter Parker both think the other is trying to get a little booty off each other before one of their Universes goes down. The Kingpin shows up and tells these two to get cracking! He does not approve of "Lollygagging".... (and God Bless YOU if your "lolly" is big enough to "gag" her). he announces that he has purchased the newspaper and things will take a different direction!!! (Tomorrow's headline, "GUESS WHICH SUPER HERO IS A BLIND ATTORNEY???)

-Final splash page.... Thanos and Darkseid are ready for a throwdown. Wonder Woman is now "Thor Woman".... and the two Gods are waiting for their outcome. Part Two is OVER!!! CAN YOU FEEL THE 5 YEAR OLD DRAMA???????

-Ads: Kingdom Come makes DC a "Universe of Heroes". Now THAT was a miniseries.

-Captain America will DIE for his country.... and he'll be an American Citizen again if it KILLS HIM!!! (Or, he can just move to France and kick around Batroc 7 days a week just for the hell of it!)

-The book ends. Next time, all the heavyweights start jamming.

I've got nothing to say.... I haven't even WATCHED RAW yet, gotta go.

This is Hyatte again.

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