hey dickweed, keep with the comic recaps or else, I'll come to your house and have my dog rape your ass and then I'll make sure you never bag a woman again, I'll make you look like me. NOW, continue with the comic recaps or I'll be playing for reals, bitch.
Well, I gave it some serious thought and decided that I SHOULD finish the series here. Only two more issues. Then I'll bring the Comic Mop-Up back only occasionally. I'll do a series, bag out for a while, then do another one. After all, this is a Bonus, and by it's very definition, a Bonus cannot be ongoing. (Loophole!!!!!)
I do this because.... umm.... I don't know. I guess, deep down, it's just to say "F-You" to everyone who talks about how stupid a Comic Mop-Up is.... as opposed to talking about a non-sport where buffed, half-naked, sweaty guys pretend to beat each other up.
I just enjoy goofing on a medium and characters OTHER than wrestling for a change.
Okay then, let's begin anew. Start fresh. Pick it up from the top. Hold on to something, people.... because HERE COME THE SPANDEX!!!
The question is... is there too much me going around?
Of course not, I'm addicted to FAME!! I only hang with people who kiss my ass, and spit upon those who dare to "tell it like it is!"
In any case, a great idea is turning into a headache.... what with me being a newsguy every night and all. So, if I stay on the news for the future, this comic thing will be the first causality.
Widro tells me it's drawing roughly half of what the Raw Mop-Up does, which is pretty much what I expected, in case you were wondering.... and why on earth would you do THAT?
Okay, let's go... mee-ho
DC VS MARVEL: THE SHOWDOWN OF THE CENTURY
Written by Ron Marz (Who can't believe he gave his GL gig up to some dick from The Real World)
Drawn by Dan Jurgens and Claudio Castellini (call me crazy, but one of these guys is a dago)
Inked by Joe Rubinstein and Paul Neary (his arch enemy is Peter Afary)
Lettered by Your Momma (so long as she's named Bill Oakley)
Colored by Your Pappy (so long as he banged Bill Oakley... HOMO!)
Separated by Digital Chameleon, (Can contort his body into any single digit number)
Assistant Edited by Chris Duffy and Joe Momma (no relation to Your Momma)
Edited by Mike Carlin and Mark Gruenwald.
Published in 1996 (or 9661! My God, they are from the future?? They're here to KILL US!!!)
Chapter III (or: Now, here be the big GUNS!)
-splash page opener. It's Jubilee. The Marvel spunky pre-teen with mutant abilities, the bod for spandex, and a serious 'tude (I think I just explained every pitch for every new super heroine at every meeting ever in the history of comic books) is writing in her diary. Dialogue boxes fill us in. You can tell she's speaking from her own heart and not the voice of some chubby, over 40 male writer because she's writing in cursive and underlining the importantstuff. (I wonder if Lucinda Handwriting will translate on the submission board? I wonder if I botched everything up? I'm sure the answer is yes, yes, and YES, DUMBASS)
-Jubilee's diary is used as a narrative device to tell those coming in late with no money for back issues just what happened and what the stakes are. 11 heroes from both universes will square off and.... and....
-*sigh.... this is so stupid. I apologize for wasting your time, and mine. Comic books, I AM RECAPPING COMICS BOOKS!!! WHAT KIND OF DOUCHBAG AM I????
-oh, I have GOT to get out and get laid. Female laid.... none of that gay stuff anymore.
-okay.... a week's gone by. I've gotten laid.... not Female laid, but Rome wasn't built in a day either. Let's continue:
-Two GIANT double wide splash pages sum up the last two issues of this MAJOR COMICS EVENT!!! Thus far, DC has taken the lead with two phat victories over Marvel's 1. Yet, it was Flash and Aquaman over two of Marvel's B-players (yes, Namor is a B-player) while Thor triumphed verily over that Captain Marvel homo from the bought out Fawcett company.
-Robin sneaks up on Jubilee and interrupts her mid-entry. He says that waiting around on Jubilee's school grounds is driving him nuts and asked her if she'd like to go for a "walk".... maybe have a snort of some "Batjuice".... then he can show her how he uses his "Batstaff" (heh heh heh horny little teenage STUD!!! Even with the end of the Universe calling.... Robin's angling for some BOOTY!!)
-Jubilee agrees, after all, she's used to Brits with half their face and chest missing.... and Hispanics with 6 extra feet of skin on their body. A guy with the mutant ability to wear a small mask around his eyes without anything holding it up is a friggin' DREAM DATE!
-They take off, and quickly vanish....
-SUDDENLY(!!!)... they appear at what seems to be a giant balloon warehouse. Robin yells, "GREAT!!! YOU COULDN'T WAIT UNTIL I MADE MY MOVE??? YOU COULDN'T WAIT A F-ING HALF HOUR???)
-They realize that it's time for their fight. They don't REALLY want to do it, but these damn end of the universe plots are SO nitpicky.
-They kiss each other, softly.... well, Jubilee kisses Robin. Robin stands there dazed.... Robin is too used to hanging around guys named "Bruce".
-Jubilee unleashes a BARRAGE of pretty globs of light! Robin leaps out of the way.
-Jubes comments how unfair it is that she has powers and he doesn't. Robin wasn't too worried
(come on, pretty globs of light? Talk about LAME)
-Robin vanishes in the dark and stalks her. He throws his cape aside to distract her. Jubilee is distracted.
-BOOM, Robin warps his Lariat around her and ties her up. Jubilee screams, "ARGH!!! I HATE THESE POP-UP ADS!!".
-He secures her, asking her if the rope's too tight. She's pissed that he didn't even have to land a PUNCH. Robin laughs that he was never planning on punching her (heh, wait until they get married!)
-some more flirtation ensues. Because when a guy in a mask hog-ties YOU.... of COURSE you get a little horny.
-ads: The Sovereign Seven invades Gotham City. DC Universe is a "Universe of Adventure". (and trying to find all the back issues of THIS mercifully canceled "Chris Claremont goes to DC" series at any local comic shop is an adventure all to itself!)
-Hawkeye spells it out for us. "Thor's human. Cap's on the run. Iron Man's a kid. Knew it was gonna come down to me to bail everyone out." Now THAT'S cool promo for The Avengers.
-Elsewhere, it takes two pages for the Silver Surfer to take out Green Lantern. Claudio Castellini goes nuts with his overdrawn rendition of GL's space glider/supergun/knight-like armor. No wonder the punk lost.... Guy Gardner would have just BLASTED THE SILVER DOPE WITH SHEER WILL-POWER RAGE AND THEN TAKE A CRAP ON THAT SURFBOARD!!!!! GUY GARDNER DON'T F-AROUND WITH THIS DETAILED CRAP!!!! THIS IS WHY GUY GARDNER RULES!!!!!
-Elsewhere, (well, in Gotham), Elektra takes Catwoman to school. This is the lamest pairing in the whole series. Really, Catwoman should have won after Frank Miller hijacked the page and erased Elektra out of existence, screaming, "I KILLED THIS BITCH!!!! HER DEATH GAVE DAREDEVIL, MORE CHARACTER THAN STAN LEE EVER DID IN 20 YEARS!!! DON'T SCREW WITH MY HANDIWORK!!!!"
-Of course, Marvel MADE Miller resurrect the character briefly.... it's why he left the company.
-Thus far, the score is MARVEL: 3, DC: 3
Away from the fighting, we go to some heady SUB-PLOTS! Ben (Soon To Be Dead Clone) Reilly hits on Lois Lane. Lois shows him her engagement ring that Parker never even noticed (yeah, RIGHT!!!). Clark Kent pops up and says that he is Lois's fiancé. The Clone slinks off, ashamed.
-Parker goes into the Planet's darkroom, where he mutters, "Snobby, high class c**t, thinks she's too good to go out with me bet her snatch smells like tunafish!" (whoah.... testy).
-Meanwhile, J Jonah Jameson CHARGES out of his office and screams that the Hulk and "some freak named "Metallo are fighting each other down town. Clark Kent is on his way.... SUPERMAN is on his way!!!! (I can't believe I just wrote that)
-Elsewhere, we are back at the alley with the homeless guy and poor Axel Asher. The Bum explains that both of them are just.... just.... you know, I honestly have no clue what this guy is babbling about.
-The rub is that Axel accepts his role as being owned by TWO different companies, (which means he'll be seen about as frequently as Howard the Duck and Ambush Bug). He is now one of the "shards" of two universes.... he is now the GATEWAY between two universes.... he is now..... ACCESS!!!!
-and yes, he gets his very own spandex outfit. Even Gods understand the value of marketing.
-The Bum drifts off, telling ACCESS that it's up to HIM to save two Universes! (hmmph.... kid's stuff. I saved 5, just last week.)
-ads. The Hulk is caught between being a reasonable, sensible human being and being a RAGING, UNSTOPPABLE BEAST WHO JUST WANTS TO SMASH PUNY HUMANS!!! Who says a comic character can't evolve over the years?
-DC: A Universe of Wonder! Featuring Orion vs Darseid of "The New Gods". One wonders how they can justify reviving this "new Gods" nonsense over and over. I mean, Darkseid IS cool and all.... but Orion is a douchemonkey. That Lightray fella seems to be a little "swishy" too.
-Far, far away.... a travesty is about to take place.
-Wolverine and Lobo start duking it out at a Space Bar. Only in comics do guys talk nonstop about how tough they are in the middle of the fight. (well, in wrestling too, but comic characters aren't calling out spots. Wolvie isn't screaming, "ROUNDHOUSE SLASH!"
-Lobo hits Wolvie with his bike chain. The hook buries itself deep. Wolverine plunks it out and laughs about his "healing factor"
-COP-OUT ALERT, COP-OUT ALERT! Dan Jurgens, who drew this particular fight, knew damn well that the winner was a sham.... so he had them topple behind a bar. Wolverine’s hand reached out. Wolverine popped back up. Wolverine sucked on a cigar. Wolverine wins. Now, there is no way in fraggin' HELL that Wolvie could have taken Lobo out.... especially since he has bones for claws and not adamantium.
-Lobo is IMMORTAL FOR CHRISSAKES!!! HE MADE A PACT WITH HEAVEN!!!!
-Fan boys blew it.... for the first time they actually got to blow something and it was a Canadian midget
-Meanwhile, Wonder Woman has Thor's hammer.... and an immediate understanding of what she has become.
-Since any mutant luck is invariably bad luck, Storm shows up to fight Wonder Woman with the powers of Thor. Storm looks into the panel and asks, "Did Claremont come up with this impossible task? Goddess, give me a friggin' break!"
-WW, because she's as dumb as a box of rocks, decided to drop the hammer and fight Storm clean. After all, even with two Universes at stake, FAIR IS FAIR!!
-Storm electrocutes the chick into unconsciousness. She deserved to lose.
-ads. "Kingdom Come" makes DC a "Universe of Power". That's a hell of a series.
-Marvel uses the Angel to sell "The X-Men". Dude, they could have stuck Obnoxio the Clown on the ad and it wouldn't hurt sales of the mutant book one bit.
-actually, it would have helped jack up sales.... Obnoxio RULED.
-In Greenwich Village, Two clones go at it. One of them won. It took three pages. Who cares? They're CLONES.
-Now HERE'S the big one. Superman intrudes on the Hulk bashing away at Metallo (how do you make a cool villain into a lame second rater? Take away his Kryptonite "heart")
-Together, they dispose of Metallo with one punch, barely even paying attention to him. Next thing we know... *FWASHHH*
-They are transported to the Grand Canyon. So as to not endanger innocents. (as if these Shogun Warriors REALLY cared).
-The Hulk decides to get right to it. He shouts, "IT'S ON!” then quickly writes an editorial on how the Superman sucks now.
-Superman responds with another "editorial". Then another, then another, then another. The Hulk screams, "NO FAIR!!! THIS WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE A PAIR OF EDITORIALS!!! IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO KEEP GOING!!!!"
-Hulk quickly sends Supes flying with a right cross. Supes gets up and gives him a good squirt of heat vision. Hulk screams, "AAGH"
-Hulk slams on the ground, making it shake. Supes stumbles. A panel ago, Supes was hovering in the air. Now he's on the ground. CAN WE HAVE A SMIDGE OF CONTINUITY PLEASE??????
-Double flying punch into the Hulk's maw.
-Superman delivers a speech about how he can not lose his Universe, or the woman he loves. his arm is cocked. The friggin' Blob could have gotten out of the way in time.
-Hulk took the punch and went flying. He lands hard. He ain't getting up. Superman wins.
-The argument still stands. Strength vs Strength, the Hulk still schools the old fart. It's the HEAT VISION that gives him the edge.... yeah, that's right.... the HEAT VISION.... prick.
-ads. Marvel shills the Punisher years before Garth Ennis treated him right.
-DC shills some 5 year old chats online. DC is a "Universe of Heroes" I'm sorry, but Mark Waid is NOT a hero. Neither is Ron Marz. John Byrne? Maybe.
-The score is... Marvel: 6 DC: 4. DC NEEDS this match if they have any... chance.... of.... HEY!!! WAITASEC!!! IT'S OVER!!! DESTROY THE DC UNIVERSE!! MARVEL JUST WON!!!! IT IS SO OVER!!!! NO NEED FOR ANY MORE FIGHTING!!!!
-Batman vs Captain America! (It's like the Lakers fighting Sacramento for games 5, 6, and 7 after sweeping them out in 4 anyway. Jesus)
-They are fighting in the sewers. Cap sticks out like a Scaia at a strip club. Batman uses the SHADOWS and nails Cap from above.
-Cap slugs Bats back with his shield. He kisses Bats ass by talking about how evenly matched they are. Bats refuses to return the compliment. (He is SUCH a hardon)
-After some fighting, they pause to catch their breath. Batman does admit that they could go at it for hours... perhaps DAYS before someone gives up. Cap informs bats that he's been around since the 1940's (great, ironic line, "I know you weren't around then..."). Bats tells Grampa to save the stories for the old folks home. Let's finish this.
-Suddenly, water spurts out from a pipe. The water gushes out between them. Cap throws his shield. Bats throws his batarang.
-The shield misses, the 'rang knocks cap right on the head. The water engulfs both. Bats realizes that Cap is sinking and dives in after him.
-He grabs him, and carries them both up a ladder and onto the street. Cap admits to losing the fight. Both men are exhausted....
-Which, of course, does NOT stop them from striking a HEROIC POSE as they wait for something to happen.
-Access charges out! Seeing two heroes from two Universes, he grabs them and drags them into the alley. It's everyone's only CHANCE!!!
-At the Bum's behest, a nervous Access puts both hands on both men's chest. Bats and cap begin to glow.
-The cardboard box is about to explode. The bum screams, "NO, IT'S HAPPENING!!
-See, the battles are over and only ONE Universe is being spared.... but not the WINNING Universe.
-One Universe is being eliminated. But not the LOSING Universe.
-The Shoguns are settling their contest their OWN way.... they are fusing with each other. MELDING into one, co-existing body.
-They will start over from scratch. Re-make everything from the beginning.... merging.... combining....
-Look closely at the second to last page, and you can see Hal Jordan in the corner yelling at the unified being, "HELLO!!! COULD YOU MAYBE BRING BACK COAST CITY??? MAYBE??? HELLOOOOOO?"
-end Chapter three.
next week, as well as the fourth part, I will recap ALL TWELVE AMALGAM STORIES!! YEP, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM SHALL GET MOPPED-UP!!!
I'll do it with a broom shoved up my ass, so I can sweep up my house while I'm at it.
There is actually MORE on the next page. No, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!
Click Here For Part 2!!!
By clicking this page, you have doubled my hit count.
GOT'CHA AGAIN, SUCKERS!!!!!!!! PFFFFFFFFFFFTH
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