The Midnight News 5.25.01
Posted By Hyatte on 05.25.01
Got some news. News you need. Including a startling revelation about Pat Patterson. Yeah, you'll be clicking in.
Hello. Tonight, I believe it is safe to say that I'm am drunk. Yes, it is rather an underestimation to keep it like that. It's safER to say that I am blitzed. Wrecked. Sluttered. Hammered. Faced. Expect nothing and lots of it. You know you're seconds away from a coma when you can actually feel the world spin on it's axis. I didn't even get laid off this either.... not that I could.... damn thing just lies there when I'm in this state.... a dead white worm with dirt caked around it from years of... yeah, definite candydate for the "too much info" file.
Oh, and I am doing this news report without pants and with a large pineapple wedged in a very bad place. Who else other than Wade Keller can make THAT claim?
SMACKDOWN (SMACKUP) THAT'S THE WAY WE LIKE TO...
It was on last night. It was killer. The WWF is BACK.
Just dont espect every show to be as bad (street talk for "good") as tonight's 4 tag team thing was. They just can't kill each other and themselves like that all the time. T'was just a stop gap attempt to plug up all those critics screaming about how the product sucks.
Still, Heyman knows what he's doing. Notice how everyone got a good 5 minutes of rest before getting back into it? Yet the pace never let up once? That's an ECW specialty.... why do you think they always had run-ins? ECW's biggest problem was that their workers were usually rookies, or at least youngsters who didn't know how to move within the big spots... that's why ECW matches were usually spotfests.... that's not a problem with the WWF kids. They're all old farts.
HER CHOOCH REEKS OF AWESOMENESS
Christian is getting hitched today to a German Girl named Denise. Edge is the Best Man. Many WWF people will be there. A Christian is marrying a german girl? Bet'cha Paul Heyman ain't gonna be there.
Please.... don't send the new couple any ovens for a gift.... they have PLENTY.
HHH (HUNTER'S HOSPITAL HUPDATE)
He had surgery.... it went well.... they hope to get him back in half a annual. Which means the prick'll be back in 4 months in one of those big surprise deals that'll shock the world and make you all mark out like little girls at an O-Town concert. They know their audience.
GOLD IN THEM THAR BERGS
Sources whisper in the shadows of deserted parking lots that SOME WWF wrestlers actually want Goldberg to come aboard and that it would help the business. They are sharing these feelings with Vince McMahon. The problem is, Brother Berg wants to get PAID. The kind of cake that Vince ain't willing to cough up. You know the rest of the details about GB's econominal situation with AOL.... no sense in going on about it.
RF Video is the one responsible for this.
NEXT WEEK, YOU WILL BE MARKING OUT
Scherer isn't 1005 confident with this, but he said that there is talk that WCW talent will start showing up on WWF TV as early as "this week".... since Smackdown came and went with nary a Flair in site, I guess Dave meant NEXT week.
Either way.... I forgot what I had to say.
'BOUT F-ING TIME
The Hart Family will erect (HAW... sorry) build a website dedicated to Owen Hart. There will be photos, memories, all kinds of stuff that will chronicle his too short career.
This will definitely be a fan participation site. They invite fans, co-workers, and friends who have memorabilia of Owen to contact them at Owen@StampedeWrestling.com. If you have tapes too, let them know. (Just don't send a pix of Owen reading your WOW column.... like that classless douchewad NoSoul did when the guy died)
Hell, even the WWF is contributing stuff.
The official site is set to open next week, but until then, you can go to an Owen message board at . StampedeWrestling.com
You know what.... I may be an a$$hole but I'm not an F-ing A$$hole.... so I'll just leave this at here without further comment.
Sean McClusky did Smackdown. It's right Here
Tom Daniels has a new Cheap Heat. It's right Here too.
I'm sorry... I usually talk these things up more.... but I am currently typing with one eye tioghtly shut.... when I use both of them I get two screens and 20 fingers. Plus I have the hiccups, so I'm promised a trip to the divine altar of ye God of Porceline
Stop submitting stuff for the 411 Guest column. We are past the deadline, creeps.
HTM gets another night off.... but here's some words from another old schooler...
HE'S A SUPERSTAR, THAT IS WHAT HE ARE
From the site of Superstar Billy Graham:
On Pat Patterson:
I was totally out of control, I was full of drugs, and I was just spewing out lies. And out of nowhere, I uttered the words that have haunted me, literally, for years. I said, on national television, that I had been an eye witness, in an arena, watching Pat Patterson having sexual contact with a WWF ring boy, who happened to be a minor. At that moment, I had descended to a level lower than a beast, brother. I had lied. That was a lie, it was not true. It was a very evil thing that I had done, and I knew it as I said it, I knew I was lying, and it was evil, you know? And I, I just could not live with this lie. And, I've always felt that if you say a lie about somebody in public, then they deserve an apology in public. That's the way I've always felt. But, I've had no way of doing that, up until now, with the internet. So, I know this apology won't reach everyone that heard the lie about Patterson, but, this is the best I can do. The internet is the best I can do publicly to apologize to Pat. And, Pat, I'm directing this to you right now. I do apologize to you, right here, right now. I pray that you will accept my apology, and I ask for your forgiveness.
My God.... does this mean.... after goofing on him all these years... Pat is.... actually.... STRAIGHT????
Of course.... he AIN'T.... or maybe he IS? Nothing's been proven... all speculation and rumor.
Anyway... it's been fun. For you. For me, it's been a heroic work of patience and concentrication. You will never know how long this took me.... and how many typoes there were in here. I just don't care anymore man... I don't just care.
Imma off for the weekend. Be back Sunday night with news, message board deals... and I'll introduce ya to 411's first ever guest columnist. I'll also have sex with yo mommas. TRY STOPPING ME!!!!!!
This is bad... I thunk I'll be spending all day today yakking up stomach bile. Hell, I even yak up Pepto Bismal when I'm really rolling.
God Bless captain Morgan and Coke.... the good cap'n takes all the pain away