Mop-Up Nitro (Flashback February 1998)
THE TUESDAY MORNING MOP-UP (A recap of the Monday night bloodbath)
Bet'cha ass! I am Chris and this is the Mop-Up, a goofy little column designed by a goofy kind of guy that covers everything goofy that went down on Monday nights. My one motto in life is "Never let your kids play with Dusty Rhodes' kids!" Tony should have listened dammit....he should have listened. We got a lot to open things up this week, so let's get swinging.
I still enjoyed "Souled Out" completely....and they didn't even use Hogan (some cheered at that idea), DDP, or Davey Boy Smith. It kind of reminds you just how awesome WCW's talent base is. One thing though, AOL subscriber Chris Hughes wrote to me and claimed that Saturday's Bret/Flair match was an EXACT REPLICA of their 1992 battle in the WWF where Bret beat Flair for his first WWF title. I didn't see that match...so is he right?
Yes, that "Where is Johnny Rodz" sign seen at the Royal Rumble was made with me in mind. Greg McFadden, another AOL subsriber was the man who made the sign....and I thank him for it.
Many folks brought to my attention a news blurb saying that one of the VILLANOS was deported from Puerto Rico for missing paperwork. If you found this totally confusing,
allow me to translate.... The Villano in question was Villano XIX (The Persuader) who had business in Puerto Rico having SOMETHING to do with Jesus (pronounced HAY-ZEUS) of Los Boricuas. With his business finished, and with more than a few teeth missing from Jesus's wife and children (Villano XXII: the Dental Hygenist had given him a few "pointers"), Villano XIX was on his way back to Mexico, but Savio Vega made a few phonecalls to the Puerto Rican "Federales" to detain XIX for "questioning". Only the substantial power and string pulling by Villano XXXV (The Counter Intelligence) arranged for the "deportation". In other words....they had to smuggle his ass out of the country. All in a day's work for the "familia".
Lastly, it's time for some plugs. Check them out and tell them I sent you, because they are good stuff...
1) The Men in Pink and Black (http://www.voicenet.com/~cybrmook) Sure, there are wise ass sites all over the place that are genuinely funny, but to my knowledge, this is the only funny site that is run by GIRLS. Dawn and JoAnn have a great sense of humor, they are a couple of really funny babes. For a point of view on the feminine side, this is a quality site.
2) Chris Chappa's Wrestling Pool
Talk about an ambitious wrestling pool. Mr. Chappa has put together an extremely detailed and unique site which readers pick out actual wrestlers to play and the results come from Nitro and RAW results, as well as PPVs, Thunder, and just about everything else. It may be the best fantasy league on the net and is WELL worth you time. If you want to play for the month of February, the deadline to register is this Thursday...so GET GOING!!!
Oh yeah, one last little thing...if the Packers won the big game, I would have been on the street with a big sign that read "WILL RECAP FOR FOOD". I bet the ranch on the Broncos. I was soooo happy and relieved that I didn't even mind when Loser # 1 Jay Leno came on with his guest, Loser # 2 Jenny McCarthy. I didn't watch the thing of course, but I didn't care that it was on..THAT'S saying something.
Okay, enough about that, it's time to tend to matters at hand. Much like the Superbowl, it's time to check out the product and decide if it was the game...or was it the commercials that kept our attention (That chick in that Doritos commercial who did that split...I'm going to marry that woman). The good news is that last Sunday was a FANTASTIC game with great commercials. The bad news?....3 hours of Nitro and a taped RAW....stop the world...I want to get OFF. Anyway, let's see if there was anything funny going on this week...let's do it...
NITRO (or 3 Hours of THIS crap??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
-Oh yes, from here on out, Nitro will be a cool three hours long. To make matters worse, TNT will air a movie between the live show and the replay....which mean that I won't have the videotape of Nitro handy until 4:00 F'K'N A.M. Maybe I should start calling this the TUESDAY AFTERNOON MOP-UP??? Anyway...
-opens with footage from Souled Out where a very tired looking Roddy Piper gave up the 411 on the title situation.
-Tony, Heenan, and Zbyszko welcome us to the festivities...no sign of Tenay....but we couldn't be that lucky.
-El Dandy comes to the ring to fight the Ultimo Dragon. Tony sulks over the fact that the Giant is now near death because of what Nash did to him. About ten second into things, Raven's Flock show up and take their seats in the front row. Tony claims to have received a note informing them and us that the boys pooled their money and bought tickets to the event.....hmmm, I thought Nitro sold out only hours after tickets went on sale in every single arena? Utimo won the damn thing with that damn sleeper of his. Tony informs us that we will get some of the "GREATEST WRESTLING ACTION IN THE WORLD!!!!" (I'm not joking either) after they come back from a fresh set of...
-commercials, but not before Lex Luger is seen backstage promising a little payback for that Giant thing.
-Tony sends us to Chattanooga Tennessee for a live Nitro party with Mean Gene and the Nitro Girls. The fun was trying to spot the beer that some of the kids were no doubt hiding. Gene, who abandoned the suit in favor of a "hip hop partymeister" turtleneck and sportsjacket combo (he was probably getting ready to raid the nearby Sorority house), sized up the Nitro Girls better than I could have when he said, "The Nitro Girls are shaking....well, shaking their thing!" None of the girls looked all that comfortable....but then again, they never did really....let's just say they looked MORE uncomfortable than USUAL.
-Tony claimed that America was being over run with the NITRO FEVER....but added that a few viewings of RAW should take care of it...along with plenty of fluids.
-Brad Armstrong makes his way to the ring to finally end the deadly ARMSTRONG CURSE (which is a smaller strain of the NITRO FEVER). His first opponent of this new agenda is Bill Goldberg.
-The curse continues....Goldberg wasted the punk...and got a HUGE POP for his troubles. A fan from the fourth or fifth row flashed a RAW IS WAR sign....I give him 5 minutes before he feels the wraith of DILLENGER.
-commercials, but not before DDP is seen backstage promising a little payback for that Giant thing.
-Mike Tenay (Dammit!!! I knew we couldn't be THAT lucky) shows us footage of where Kevin Nash dropped the Giant on his head and neck...they replayed it and replayed it for the sickos out there.
-JJ Dillon magically appeared next to Tenay. The short of it is that from here on out...any use of the Jacknife Powerbomb is strictly prohibited...and if anyone DOES use it, then WCW will consider CRIMINAL PROSECUTION!!!!!!! (and if THAT don't work...JJ will use his connections to put the daughter of whomever uses the powerbomb into the White House Intern program....HOW'S THAT FOR SERIOUS?????)
-Konan comes down with Vincent to take on Jerry Flynn. Does anyone one mind if I skip this one? Didn't think so..
-Back in Chattanooga...Kimberly is now wearing a full body suit and a scarf....I guess some punks got a little busy with their hands....or maybe it was Gene. Anywhoo, Gene talked to the kid who sent in the tape to begin with. I didn't understand what he said...but he used the word "rush" a lot. Funny, I didn't see Geddy Lee around at all?
-Mike Tenay brings out Steve "Mongo" McMichaels for a chat. After reminding Tenay that he is not a football player and couldn't give a rat's ass about the Superbowl (Mongo must have lost a fortune), he went on to trash talk all these newcomers to WCW and informed them that they haven't wrestled until they wrestled in WCW.
-Out comes Davey Boy Smith...who claimed to be happy to be "finally in the WCW!" (Uhhh, wasn't he there once before...like...only about 4 years ago???). He also informed Mongo that "football" is a game where men kick around a black and white round ball...and not this pads, passing, and scoring touchdowns crap. Mongo was enraged enough to challenge DBS to a match for later that night...DBS said that this dog will happily feast on Mongo's bone. I couldn't make that up if I tried...
-Buff comes out with Vincent. Tony told us that the NWO had arrived in different limos, and that Elizabeth was in Hogan's limo...with Macho NOT EVEN THERE!!!!!! (Does Tony KNOW that they are divorced?). Rick Steiner comes down to fight Buff....
-and so they did..
-After constant interference from Vincent, Scotty comes down and beats the crud out of him. As Rick went for the pin on Buff, Scotty throws Vincent into the ring and onto his brother. He jumps into the ring and keeps on pounding. The ref called for the bell, Scotty pushed the ref around, the ref fined him 5 grand, Ricky and DiBiase looked as if they were wondering if it was too late to get booked into Wrestlemania. Scotty stormed off, calling all refs a bunch of idiots.
-second hour fireworks signal only one thing...RAW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!!!!!!!!!
-oh yeah...I'm on the Nitro recap...okay. Bischoff and Nash come out to talk. Bischoff opens his mouth and makes a Bill Clinton joke, then claims to be made a "WCW target". Nash grabs the mic and claimed that the Giant looked him in the eye during the match and told him that he couldn't go anymore, so Nash threw coffee in his eyes to wake him up. Faking the tears, Nash compared the Giant to "Old Yella" and said that he wanted to put him out of his misery. Then Nash broke out laughing and bragged about what he did. He ended it by re-naming himself, "Big Sexy": The Real Giant Kevin Nash...(Somewhere in Memphis...Brian Christopher was NOT watching TV....he was making his 2000 trip to Graceland and could not see the show). Nash made a Chris Farley reference and Bischoff said goodnight...although you KNOW he'll be back.
-Wayne Bloom comes to the ring to take on Jim Neidhart....I'm still waiting on Tony's promise for some of the GREATEST WRESTLING ON THE PLANET!!!!!! Where is it Tony? Huh? Neidhart wins it after turning a top rope jump into a powerslam....for chrissakes.
-Tony pushes the very first Internet PPV experience called "Boston Massacre"...but it's held in Anchorage Alaska for some odd reason? What the FU&%??
-Tenay brings out Ray Traylor for a chat. Traylor's biggest problem (other than the fact that his best days were years ago), is that the NWO thinks that they are "better than everyone else". He went on to tell Mr. Bischoff that what the NWO "don't realize" is that the "thousands of people in Forte Wayne, Indiana, as well as the 50 million more back in TV land; some of them tall, some of them skinny, some of them fat, tall (again), some of them have stars, some of them can't hear, some of them can't see...but they ALL are better than anybody in the NWO." In the end, Traylor challenged Kevin Nash to a match. Why? Because Traylor MADE A VOW TO RIP THE NWO OF ALL IT'S TESTOSTERONE AND END THEIR TYRANNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRAYLOR IS THE MAN WHO IS GOING TO PUT AN END TO THE NWO ONCE AND FOR ALL BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BANK ON IT!!!!!!!!!
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Chavo Guerrero Jr comes to the ring to take on Psychosis. Tony takes a second to remind us that this night....with nary a shadow of doubt in his mind...has GOT to be the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-The match is the match as Syphillus and Chachi trade advantages. Psychoholic took a wicked dive from the top rope and onto the floor when Chaffing pushed him. As he followed that up with a real cool no hands somersault plancha over the top rope, Kidman breaks out a sign that reads, "KIDMAN: THE REAL LUCHADOR"....since it's better than anything YOU guys have brought lately (with the exception of anything with SCOOPS, Mop-Up, or Hyatte on it of course), I'll give it sign of the night honors. Joanie may love Chachi, but the bookers didn't...Psycho-not-Sid wins the good match.
-Louie Spicolli comes to the ring carrying Scott Hall's 2 tag belts, Larry fumes about how he would like to take Louie on a one way trip to "Larryland". Scott Hall comes to the ring and does his little poll that I always get a kick out of...this week, the crowd was more for WCW....although Hall didn't hear it that way. Hall went on to verify that Dusty Rhodes is part of the "Black and White Express" and that Spicolli wants to join. Turns out this match is a test for Mr. Spicolli....seeing how most ECW stars are treated in WCW (Raven notwithstanding...is that even a word?)...I wouldn't hold my breath. Spicolli's opponent is Juventud Guerrera. Guerrera meets Hall on his way to the ring, and Hall extends a hand....Juvee refused. The match is on..
-and it is cut away when Randy Savage pulls up in his rental car....mad as Hell and not taking it any more. After having some problems opening the trunk of his car..(he kept missing the hole with his key...which kinda/sorta is why he got divorced), he ripped it opened, grabbed his bag, and took off...looking for some answers.
-Back to things in the ring, Spicolli is letting Juvee (uggh) know that he ain't no Luchador when Savage runs into the ring and attacks Guerrera. After piledriving him, Savage grabs the mic and demands Luger to get out there and give him a rematch. He told the NWO that he didn't want any more help from them. As he continued his rant, dumbass Spicolli tapped him on the back. Macho knocked him out for having dared interrupt his line reading. Luger didn't come out...
-But the NWO did. Hogan, Hall, Nash, Bischoff, Buff, Konan, Norton, and Vincent in force (Okay...Hennig is in Japan with Chono, Muta, and that other guy....where is Syxx again? Why, he's on the European leg of his band's tour...he is the lead singer of "Rage Against the Machine" you know!). Bischoff ruined everything by talking. Savage claimed that no one in the NWO cared about his Souled Out loss to Luger. Bischoff gave the mic to Hogan, who explained that even though they occasionally have disagreements, he and the rest of the NWO still get along....and that they tried to help him at Souled Out because he wasn't looking all that good out there against Luger. Hogan finished by saying that if Macho didn't want help, then they would leave him alone. Savage said that was what he wanted, but he had three things to add. First: That the Luger match wasn't over yet. Second: They were not all that co-ordinated when they got there to begin with. Third: Hogan looked much better when he had the belt around his waist. Bischoff flipped out and Hogan reminded everyone that he beat Sting twice and should be rightful champion. Bischoff suspended all believability (as he always does) by getting in between Hogan and Savage as they were about to go at it. Savage slipped out of the ring and grabbed a chair. A little more jawing wrapped things up.. (you know, I just realized...Hogan ALWAYS HAS TO HAVE THE LAST WORD!!!! Check for yourself if you don't believe it).
-More crap from Chattanooga. They broke out a limbo stick. I swear I saw one guy puking in the back....They played a game called "Pin the tail on the Nitro Girl" (illegal in all 49 states, except for Texas) and they judged a Crow look-alike. Kimberly looked liked she was mentally filling out her resume and sending it to Titan Towers.
-Raven was sitting in the corner as the Flock ran around the ring. Mortis came down to jam. Mortis started it off by dropkicking Raven right in his "little raven eggs". It was a funny thing to see.
-Mortis tossed Raven around a bit, and sort of owned things. Then Raven vaulted over the steel steps and kicked him....twice. Things went back and forth and Tony made a little stink about how Raven's Flock was quietly sitting there. A DDT won things for his Raveness. Better than expected match.
-Wrath comes out to fight DDP. Page looked like he would have rather have been in Chattanooga, keeping an eye on his woman. Anywhoo..the match is the match, with Page wearing BLACK rib bandages instead of white ones. The crowd EXPLODES as he gets in the Diamond Cutter and wins the match. He takes off in the seats.
-Wrath and Mortis had some words for reasons that I didn't catch. Looks like there is dissention in the ranks.
-Fireworks as the third hour arrives. After Souled Out and two hours of this...I AM SICK OF WCW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think that I am alone here either.
-Tenay brings out Bret Hart. I thought for a second that Tenay would ask the burning question, "Why Bret? Why?" Bret thanked Ric Flair for a great match and hoped that there was no hard feelings. Hart went on to reveal his true agenda for coming to WCW...are you ready?
-Are you sure??? It's a big one???
-okay..here we go...Bret's true purpose is to....BECOME THE WORLD CHAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew you would be as shocked as I was.
-More SH&% from Chattanooga. The Nitro Girls looked miserable. Geno went into a long litany of upcoming WCW events, then signed off for the night...I swear I heard him say, "We're going to keep this PUPPY going all night long!" Oy Vey!
-Saturn came to the ring to challenge Booker T for the TV strap...and so he did..
-One thing of note...after Booker T went down pretty hard, Heenan deadpanned, "That's how Okerlund is going to leave Chattanooga." Other than that, the match was longer than usual, and ended with a Flock interference. Martel charged to help save him...and he did (ummm, where is Stevie Ray?!?).
-Mike Tenay brings out Chris Jericho for a chat. Jericho spoke over a rousing chorus of "FAGGOT FAGGOT" and went on to praise himself. He claimed ignorance of doing anything bad to Rey Mysterio Jr.....I claim ignorance to the rest of the interview...I had to go pee.
-Mongo came to the ring to kick a Brit back across the pond. Davey Boy Smith came down, and deftly avoided a charging Tenay, who was coming to ask him the burning question....."Why Bret? Why?"
-So this was DBS's debut on Nitro. Mongo owned it for a bit, Bulldog owned it for the rest. The running powerslam won the match....and soccer is proven to be better than football once again.
-Nash comes to the ring with a cup of coffee in hand. Who is he fighting again? I forget!
-Oh yeah...IT'S RAY TRAYLOR BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOAD UP THE VCR KIDS, THIS IS THE FIRST STEP IN THE FINAL DECIMATION OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW BEGINS THE TWO..TRAYLOR WORLD ORDER!!!! IT'S GOING TO BE A BLOODBATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NASH IS SO DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-maybe next week. Nash throws the coffee in his eyes and Jacknifes Traylor about 4 seconds into it. WCW officials come out in force and Nash ends up handcuffed (Oh for God Sakes!!!!! THAT'S STEVE AUSTIN'S OCCASIONAL GIMMICK!!!!!!! Let's say it together people....MY GOD THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Nash screamed "ATTICA ATTICA" as he was led away...I doubt many of Nitro's audience understood the reference. It's funny, Shawn Michaels took a Jacknife on an announcer table two years ago...he ended up winning the match. Either Traylor is a complete P*SSY, or they grow them tougher in Titan land.
-Scott Hall comes out for the last match of the night (THANK JEEZUS H CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!). He grabs the mic and started back in on Zbyszko. He told Larry to "wander off to the tarpit with the rest of the Dinosaurs" (HUH? I thought WCW was where the dinosaurs were?!?) Larry hadn't been this enraged since his last divorce, and tried to make his way to the ring. He was stropped by Doug Dillenger (Who may be the AntiChrist...I'm still researching). This mess was more than enough ammo for Tony to break for...
-Zbyszko was gone as Luger came out. The match began...
-and ended when Luger put him in the rack. Savage showed up and chaired Luger. He threw Hall out of the ring. The bottles started to fly. He climbed the top rope and elbowed him. He went for it again. Sting came down from the ceiling and kicked Savage in the head while he was still in the air. Schiavone and Heenan screamed that it was the second coming. Sting almost tripped over the top rope as he landed. He ran in and banged Savage around. He put him in the Scorpion Deathlock. Hogan came out and grabbed Hall...waving goodbye to Savage as they left. That ended things.....F'K'N FINALLY!!!!!!!
I'm sorry if this gets the WCW fans pissed, but a 3 hour PPV, then a 3 hour NITRO!!!!!! is too much. I am not being biased when I say that I truly hope that RAW kicks their ass here...and not because RAW is better...but because I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh crap...I can get used to it I guess. I can get used to just about anything. It was a decent show, not too great, but okay. Let's see what RAW is up to this week.
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