The Midnight News 6.04.01
Posted By Hyatte on 06.04.01
Distorted voices finally ''torted'', REVENGE, Nash, Honky, Thatcher, and more Message Board stuff than you can stomach.
Hello.... what a rough night I had! My thumb is sore flipping between 2 editions of Sex & The City, 6 Feet Under, Queer As Folk (for alpha males like me, it's like driving by the worst 17 car pileup imaginable.... impossible not to stare), The Tony Awards, a Jackass where a guy stuck his head in a small bucket holding a Jellyfish than pouring his own urine on his HEAD to neutralize the sting, and the E True Hollywood Story about Miami Vice. Oh, and Bobby Flay going mano y mano with an "Iron Chef". OH, and that guy who tried to jump over the Grand Canyon with his car on PPV.
Final tally: 1) Sex rules, I skipped 6 Feet, F-Don Johnson, that Nathan Lane is one funny homo, Jackass rules except now they are SCREAMING at us not to try anything we see on the screen at home, I think Flay won, The guy wimped out of jumping the Canyon (RIP-OFF), and I ain't Queer but MAN, some of those boys are HOT!
Huge news weekend to muddle through. Plus I get a little SWEET REVENGE. We also have some more Honky vs Nash action and a ton of message board quotes. Let's get to it.
DAMMIT, IT AIN'T BARRY WINDHAM!!! ENOUGH ALREADY
This really shouldn't have been a huge story, and it isn't.... but it is a big story and it could end up embarrassing the WWF a little.
Of course, this had to happen over on The Smarks on the week Botter did NOT take steps to get my AAT column syndicated while he was out playing Tom Petty all week.... nice going there, kid.
Anyway, someone sent Scott Keith an MP3 file which cleared up the voice of Sara "Undertaker's bride" Calloway's "Stalker". Revealing it to be Vince McMahon himself.
Now, seeing how the WWF probably realizes that no one, and I mean no one would approve of Vince inserting himself as the main Heel into another storyline, especially one that would so hopelessly out of character for even "Mr. McMahon".... I am sure Vince just did it as a goof. In fact, while I was scouring the message boards this week looking for good quotes, I read someone say that the McMahon's like to do voice work on their shows. One guy said that Shane is the one who does those Kai Entai "Indeed" voiceovers.
But, what showed up on The Smarks was reported on by both The Observer and 1 Wrestling. Suddenly, it became news.
Now, Vince could very well BE the "stalker".... maybe he's delusional to think that the fans would love to see him in an angle with the Undertaker. Chances are, no.
I see two different scenarios here. 1: The WWF had someone send the MP3 to Scott Keith just so he could "break" the news and get everyone gabbing..... it's possible. If this is the case, one wonders if SK was in on the swerve himself. Hmmm?
Or 2: The WWF got lazy and didn't even consider that modern technology allows people to filter out the distorted voice and reveal who the "true" culprit is. In that case, they were caught with their pants down. They have been BUSTED with their inner workings and will now have to be more careful in the future.... no doubt Vince is right now cursing out the Internet and the vile seeds from which it was born (that would be Al Gore, wouldn't it?).
Either way... a lot of people have been having fun with just who the "Stalker" is.... I included a few more amusing suggestions in the "Across The Boards" section at the bottom of this column (just so long as it ain't "Zeus", or the guy who tried to get the term "Jockass" over on the American people)
Incidentally, since Meltzer properly credited The Smarks for this, he moves up. Ryder also credited Keith, but also sniffed that he too got the same MP3. Keller took the weekend off from this, so HE loses a point. Scherer stayed quiet too, but since he and Ryder go hand in hand... he loses a point.
Scherer 1, Keller 0, Meltzer -1.
Ah, and if you thought Keith's ego was out of control BEFORE..... oh man.
HE DOES IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE
The dumbest man in wrestling right now is Jerry "The King" Lawler.
So, Jim Ross misses his "King" *coughhomohack*. He isn't having the fun with heyman that he did with Lawler. So, proving that he isn't just Vince McMahon's top "Yes-Man", he arranges to have Lawler over to Stamford where he, Ross and WWF TV Honcho Kevin Dunn can try to work out something that they can take to Vince and get Lawler's keister back on Raw, and get Heyman in the backstage where everyone says he would prefer to be.
Well, they had their meeting. It was friendly, but nothing came out of it. Lawler told them that they "wasted a good first class ticket" bringing him over, because he was not coming back without his Wife, Stacey: "The Kat".
What a castrated, pussy whipped little MORON!!!
Is he so WRAPPED around this Princess's little FINGER that he can't SEE that they have GIVEN HIM A WAY to get close to Vince EVERY WEEK and TALK him into taking the Kat back... eventually? Instead of ragging on the WWF in every interview he gets near, he could actually get back inside and slowly WORM her way back into their good graces? At the very LEAST, he could have worked both of them into the WCW group? Sure, they say no NOW.... but what about after a few months? Jeeze, they brought the Harts back.... they brought Jim Ross back.... if he stayed close, he might have gotten the Kat back too... AND kept his dream job t'boot.
But no, he had to have the Kat back and have her back NOW. The King is Dead.... Long Live the Horny Old Man with the Trophy Wife.
Dumbass. Hey guys. Word of advice. If you never paid attention to anything I've ever said, heed this: No poon is worth your dream job! Not a one. Not Pam Anderson's. Not Carmen Electra's. Not the hottest Playboy/Penthouse/Hustler/Juggs Centerfold you've ever seen. Not the best Porn Slut. None of them.
Oh, and thanks to 1bob for keeping up with this story while Keller napped.
VENGENCE IS MINE!!! SAYETH THE KING!
Oh, I just LOVE it when I get to bite someone back on the ass after he tried to bite me.
Someone, I won't say who, but someone was a loser ass little pecker last week and blatantly ripped off a gimmick that I run here in the news column. If you read the last Midnight News double shot, you know exactly who I am talking about.
Well.... well, well, well.... to quote the great "Khan" in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (still the best damn movie of the entire series):
"Ahh Kirk.... my old friend. Do you know that revenge is a dish best served cold? It is very cold.... in (cyber)space"
So, because someone had to be an A-HOLE.... I present to you, select cuts from an interview I did NOT do with the Undertaker.... exclusively NOT for 411... done by "Hyatte"!!!
HYATTE: Moving onto wrestling, it's nice to finally see the woman tattooed on your neck. How do you feel having your wife involved in the storylines?
UT: It's pretty exciting, generally the biggest thing I am excited about is that we're gonna be able to spend some more time together. My schedule pretty much keeps me away from home all the time, and it's getting kind of old and tiring.
HYATTE: I'm sure this is a hard question to answer since you've been a part of the WWF for over ten years, but what moments or matches stick out the most?
UT: Sure. Probably first off was beating Hogan in '91 for my first title. One of my more favorite matches was the Hell in the Cell with Shawn Michaels. I thought that was one of my better matches even though I lost it. Of course, the Mankind era sticks out in my head as things I think will go down in history in our sport. My return with the new persona, and this past Wrestlemania... that was a pleasure to be in my hometown in such a historic arena, working with a guy who I feel is probably the best in our industry at this point, and will take wrestling to that next genre. I'm probably Triple H's biggest fan, professionally. I think he is head and shoulders, as far as talent and total package, ahead of everybody else. You may get some arguments in that aspect - a lot of people feel that The Rock is, which he is very gifted - I'm not taking anything away from him, but as far as the pure wrestling aspect of it, not so much the charismatic part, which is Rock's biggest attribute, I think (Triple H) eats, sleeps, and drinks wrestling. He puts back what he takes. He finished that match the other night which he tore his knee. That shows a lot about somebody's heart, what they care about. It's kinda the way I want people to remember me by, and to see somebody that has those values and believes that the sport comes before everything else.
HYATTE: You mention Triple H - is there anyone else, particularly with the younger guys, that you think has that same heart and those same positives?
UT: There's a whole list of guys that I think are very hungry. I don't think they've actually yet been given the opportunity to show their true heart, but there's a huge amount of talent that if shown the right way, could be the next Triple H. There's a guy out there who is still trying to find himself, but when I watch - you're talking about heart - is Prince Albert. He's still trying to develop his personality and his niche, but inside, he keeps his mouth shut, he asks the guys that have been there on top 'What am I doing wrong? Can you help me? Will you take the time?' That right there shows me a lot. Then, when you tell him something, he listens, and then he tries to apply it. Then he'll come back and ask you 'I didn't do it the way you wanted me to, did I?' He sticks out in my mind as far as a guy that's gonna have that kind of heart, and hopefully he develops the personality and niche that you speak of. I think that he has the potential to be a huge star someday.
HYATTE: I want to take you back to the 1998 Hell in The Cell with Foley. You're standing on top of the cell, you're live on Pay Per View, and you just threw Mick Foley through the top of the cage and onto the mat. What are you thinking?
UT: I'm thinking that he's possibly paralyzed. I'm thinking that I've just been involved in watching another man's career come to an end. He hit with such a violent impact that... it was amazing. Not many people know this, but he was out on his feet for probably a good five minutes after the match started again, after everybody got out of the ring. He was out, and it was one of those rare occasions where I was asking Mick 'Let's end this thing, ok? Let's go.' He just... I don't know if he was so out of it he didn't understand what I was saying, but after a while, he got himself together, and all the injuries he sustained in during that fall, and I went in with a broken ankle... I was pretty pleased other than the fact that he was severely messed up and a tooth went through his lip and ended up in his nose. I think that match is gonna go down in the annals of history as one of the most violent and grueling matches ever. I don't think anybody will ever top that match as far as that aspect.
HYATTE: Let's talk about the personas of The Undertaker, and how for the majority of your career, you were the dark, mysterious Undertaker, then a year ago at Judgment Day you came back on the bike with the blue jeans, bandanna, and all that. Do you like the new persona?
UT: The old school Undertaker is my legacy, and probably what I'm remembered for, and that part of me is still there and part of what I believe in, but I took that I think as far as I could take it. The novelty had pretty much worn off except to my true, die-hard Undertaker fans. To the fan in general, if you see gore and you see torn up body parts, after a while you're probably desensitized to it. Although the biggest thing is that I always tried to keep what I do fresh, and I evolved that character, and now it's evolved into what I like to call "Outlaw Josey Wales 2000." That's where it is right now. I don't try to insult the fans or try to insult anybody that watches what we do. The old school Undertaker is very much a part of what brought me to where I am. For years, I have led such a mysterious life - I didn't give interviews, I didn't do anything, there was always (the question) 'What's The Undertaker like outside of wrestling?'
The reality is that I'm getting close to the end of my career, these people that stuck behind me and wanted to see what I'm like, well, this is what they get. Other than a function like this, if you were to see me on the street, you'd see me in the jeans, a cut-off shirt, riding a motorcycle. It's fun for me. It's just me being me, and people are finally starting to accept it. I think it was such a shock for a lot of people for a lot of time - they didn't want "that biker gimmick." I don't look at it as a "biker gimmick" as I do as me being me. If you want to call it a gimmick, then so be it. It's just me fulfilling something that I want to do and ride the motorcycle out and do what I love to do best.
HYATTE: Do you remember the day you were first pitched the old school Undertaker gimmick? How did you react to that?
UT: The way I presented the character was left up to me. The original basis of the name, The Undertaker, and the look was based on the old western Undertakers with the long coats and the hat. That's all they had. Everything else was left up to me. That was my perception of what The Undertaker was. I came in an era where Vince McMahon was real high on the gimmicks, and I wasn't a gimmick guy then, and they kind of left me alone, and let me translate his vision into what I thought it should be. It's been a pretty successful adventure.
HYATTE: Were you happy to see the old WCW get bought out? Back in the Mean Mark days, you didn't get the big rub...
UT: Yeah, they told me I'd never draw a dime in this business (rolls eyes). They said I would never make it, and that I'd be a midcarder at best. You know what? Competition makes everyone stronger, so in that aspect, I didn't like it. But hey, if you want something to be a success, give it to the McMahons as far as wrestling goes. They'll turn that thing around and I think it's going to be great for everybody involved.
Yes... I am quite happy NOT to have left my house, NOT drive down to wherever that Golf tourney was and NOT talk to the guy. Just so YOU can have this exclusive interview that REALLY HAPPENED... just not with me. If you want the... *cough* FULL interview, it's easy to find out which site the interview originated.... if you just apply logic and check out the last Midnight news column.
See, it sucks when someone steals your material, doesn't it?
Not that the Honky Tonk Man's material is really "mine".... but his webmaster told me he liked what I was doing. So F-YOU!!!
Okay.... now that I've made sure I'm not violating any copywrite laws.... let's move on to...
HONKY VS NASH: ROUND 3
Much like the Stalker's Voice deal, this little brouhaha is shaping up to be rather huge. I know 1bob did most of the work here, but I'd like to think I had something to do with getting this thing recognized.
Anyway, when last we left these two, Honky Tonk Man had just had the last word, with a special cameo appearance by Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Honky laughed off Nash's cheap shots and called out Nash about not paying a certain sum of money he promised to donate to the Pillman Fund.
Nash now responds, directly to 1 wrestling:
There has been a great deal of conversation online about a contribution that I intended to make to the Brian Pillman Memorial Fund two years ago. Like other wrestlers, I appeared at the show without charging for my appearance, and I told the crowd that night that I would be donating $20,000 to the fund. I had every intention of doing so.
Because $20,000 is a substantial amount of money my accountant advised me that I needed to verify the non-profit status of the fund in order to claim a tax deduction for the charitable contribution. I asked for, but never received, proof of the charitable status of the fund.
Making a donation of the size I intended to make is not like Dropping $20 in a jar, it is a significant transaction that has to be made in a certain way.
I remain supportive of the cause to raise money for the Pillman family, and am still hoping to be able to make the contribution, but I need to be provided with the appropriate assurance of the charitable status of the fund.
After the Pillman show I worked shows promoted by Marty Adams, who along with Les Thatcher was involved in the Pillman show. I was to be compensated $10,000 for the shows and received a check from Marty Adams that bounced and was never made good. You can imagine how I would be hesitant to make a donation to the Pillman Memorial Fund without assurances that the money was going to the right people.
Gee, for a guy ragging on Honky's "single wide" in Arizona, he's suddenly acting awfully tight with his money.
This is like the time he last fought Mysterio on Nitro, at first he laughed the little bugger off, then after a few dropkicks and takedowns, Nash got serious.... Nash got mad.
Still, he had time for a little levity, concerning comments made about him from Jake Roberts:
Jake made those comments? It's nice to know he's still alive."
Honky Tonk Man, obviously having a ball taking Big Sexy down a few pegs, rubbed it in a little:
Nash has responded again. This time to answer the charge HTM made concerning Nash stiffing the Pillman Family Fund. HTM called Nash out on this one. It was a donation he stood before the public and swore to make. He now admits he never made the donation and is claiming some B.S. reasons that do not hold water. Got you Nash!! You have been out of touch with the real world. Being Bishoff's bitch might be the only world you know. Us guys out here in the Chevrons and the single-wides will nail your ass. "Fake" a word you like to use to demean the wrestling business is not the word to describe how you buried yourself on this one pal.
And finally.... throwing his own two cents in.... the promoter of the Brian Pillman Memorial thingy.... Les Thatcher:
In light of Kevin Nash's recent statements to 1wrestling.com in regards to the Brian Pillman Memorial and the HWA, I felt the need to clarify our position on some things.
Every year the HWA turns all profits from the Pillman Event over to the Brian Pillman Memorial Fund. Me, nor anyone with the HWA or the wrestlers that have been so gracious with the time by working the event, have personally ever made one penny as EVERYTHING is given to the fund.
And while I probably should, I do not know the non-profit status of the Fund nor have I ever asked. My only concern each year has been to honor Brian and assist his widow and children as well as put on a memorable and entertaining show for the fans. I think we have done that and I look forward to the next event coming up August 9th.
As far as Kevin not being paid for his appearances with us last year, this is the first I have heard of it. Marty Adams promoted various events with for the HWA last year and was responsible for booking Kevin Nash and others such as DDP at the events. Marty handled the talent fees and I was under the impression all had been taken care of. In regards to Marty Adams, we ended our relationship in November of last year due to a difference in business philosophy. He has not had anything to do with the HWA since that time nor or there any future plans with him. It's my understanding he no longer has contact with anyone in the wrestling business.
I plan on trying to get in touch with both Kevin and Marty in the next week to discuss the
situation and to find an answer to the problem.
Although I can promise that all money received by me and the HWA that was supposed to go to the Pillman Fund has done so, if Kevin are anyone else would rather make their contribution directly to the fund and to Melanie and not go through me, they can send it to:
The Brian Pillman Memorial Fund
P.O. Box 43
Walton, KY 41094
So, Honky gets props for taking the fastest mouth in sports entertainment down at his own game.
Thatcher gets props for being classy in all this.
Nash gets NO props.... Nash got what the television set got when a drugged out Elvis didn't like what he was watching. *BANG* "'Cilla!! Get me some fried banana sammiches!"
For those of you wondering just what the hell happened to Billy Gunn and his big push, well one of those questions can be found right here at 411's big href="http://411wrestling.com/tvreports/headlines/46.shtml">Heat and Jakked recaps. Once you've read these recaps, the answer to the second question should be made crystal clear.
Column wise, Ben Morse showed up with another installment of
The Mean. This week, Justin Credible gets put under Morse's philosophical microscope.
And we have our second installment of 411's Showcase Commentary. This week's guest columnist, Smitty, offers a unique view on the state of the business today, and what changed it. It's thoughtful, smart, compelling, and completely different from last week's guest. Give it a looksee.
Now, if you want to submit a column for next week.... send it to me.
And finally, before I call it a night, it's time for the weekly thing that has the net by the balls and won't let go....
ACROSS THE BOARDS
"Making love to a hot woman is like eating a KFC, when you're finished with the Breasts and Legs you have a greasy box to stick your bone in..."
"I was a high school wrestler, and the move to do to females is the double grapevine...they'll come in about ten seconds..."
"YES MOULIN ROUGE YES Voulez vouz coucher alex marvez Benoit" (Hyatte's Note: This may be the funniest goddam thing I've ever read online)
"Lance Storm didn't screw Perry Saturn, Perry Saturn screwed Perry Saturn."
"I am very drunk, I just split up with my girlfriend, I was with her six years, I only just found out today she's a BITCH! RAW was fantastic!!"
"I'm banned from the Smarks Forum! Apparently, they support the free exchange of opinion, unless it's critical of them or their site. In that case, they ban you. I feel privileged to have been banned from such an institution."
"Just because some people don't actually find Japanese or Lucha entertaining, that makes them fu**wits, I guess, huh?"
"Lord of the Rings: New Line has signed a major agreement with Burger King, but details are under wraps. Just something about it doesn't seem proper. And please no jokes about onion rings."
"But he's Big Sexy, dammit! Even his turds are cool."
"First Sean Shannon, then DDT Digest hangs it up, and John Petrie takes off, now CRZ is stopping his act? Did I miss something?"
"Vince McMahon is now the most hated man in Canada next to the occassional hockey player that knocks the occassional Canadan hockey team out of the playoffs. That changes twice every year."
"AND PLEASE stop talking about 'the smarks'; not everyone is the same, which you're proving just now by disagreeing with me. I'm so sick of that label being used I can't tell you."
"Most Smarks say that."
"But what of Scott Taylor? Will he be One-Cool?"
"Then again, wouldn't it be a very Russoerian twist if it turned out to be Linda? Imagine the storylines there... *shudder*"
"Rats! You stole my answer! It's either him or Repo Man. Repo Man was there to steal Undertaker's bike"
"i love it i have been waiting for the day HHH the so called game gets injured it was only a matter of time you could say HHH game over well i have said that Alreadty
ahhahaahahahahahahaha basically this is a new topic HHH sucks Goldberg V HHH anyday the winner Goldberg all the way but i heard that he has accepted a buyout from aol i dunno i havent read the wwf wcw news today but i Am gonna now adios"
"Don't Nash and Honky realize the way to get real heat (and a prime spot in the new WWF/WCW) is to criticize the DVDVR 500?"
"If Ryder made the same mistake, you'd be all over him. But I guess it's ok if Dave does it? Not even a retraction by wo.com....just 'disregard that story' from Alvarez today, several hrs after Scherer found it to be a fake story."
"I've finally realized from reading wrestling commentary on the Internet is that smarks are the most deluded group of people I've ever seen"
"CRZ is a puke and all his followers are maggots."
"Wait, if Eddie turns Lita to his way of doing things (like cheating to win), does that mean she's gonna produce a fake accent, grow a mullet, and get injured every six months? And maybe get in the shower with a couple of hos on GTV?"
"Ya ever wonder what sorta masochistic pleasure 12 year olds get out of sneaking on to their dad's computer and metaphorically screaming "I will NEVER get laid" to total strangers on Internet discussion boards?"
"How many times is this that we've recreated Montreal? What's next, maybe Vince and Austin will gloat over Benoit's loss by bringing out a phony Benoit midget on Smackdown?"
"But I do love Rocky's ability to oversell. He can make the Bossman Slam seem painful."
"WCW could have run a 2 hour free porn of Pamela Anderson getting fu**ed up the a$$ and it would have drawn a 2.8 rating because most people would think WCW was once again teasing something that would never happen"
"Oh, and that Shawn Michaels. What a jerk THAT guy was. Faking all those injuries just so he wouldn't have to Job. In fact, he even faked being hospitalized on a few occasions, that's how damn lazy he was. Even after retiring he continued to see doctors and spinal experts, just to avoid Jobbing if he ever does come back."
"Of course! Nash is a YOUNG LION,BAY-BEE! those blonde highlights? REAL!
and he wears FUBU, doesn't he? I bet he drops in to say hi to Trick Daddy when he goes to visit Scott Hall in florida..."
"(Stephanie) looks good about 20% of the time. The rest of the time, she's having a really bad hair day or looking like a big chunkball."
"Kevin Nash saying, 'I never had a problem doing a job' has GOT to be made into an exhibit in the Straight-Faced Bulls*it Hall of Fame."
"I think it was probably Chyna stalking Sara. We all know how she loves to spank other
"How 'bout (Naming Bischoff's new 'MatRats' promotion) 'The I can't believe how freakin' lame it is to hire a bunch of fourteen year old kids to pretend to be Mortal Kombat characters in an attempt to corner the nearly non-existant fifteen year old girl wrestling fan market' Wrestling Federation?"
"Shut up, you gay a$$ motherfu**er."
"Hey, after you destroy a man's family, the least you can do is offer him ringside seats as you re-enact the time his son got shafted. That Vince, nothing but class."
"You have a shift button! Use it for the love of Christian!"
"Punctuation and grammar is overrated very "
"Maybe it's the Big Show's dead father, raised from the grave by Paul Bearer and the Big Bossman."
"You are all wrong, We all know that it is the Black Scorpion returning to seek revenge, or Shockmaster"
"F**k Bagwell. He's had enough chances already and deserves to languish in Indy Hell for life."
"You didn't like Hogan, yet you liked the waste that was Ed Leslie? Okey-dokey."
"You know how Billy Kidman comes across as a whiny little kid on the mike and most people on this board could probably kick his ass? Well, take away the wrestling ability and that's X-Pac."
"Me, I think it's a plot by the Illuminati."
"My favorite ECW moment was when they declared bankrupty. HA! I kid of course."
"And honestly, I would rather be called the S-word by a million internet folks than have to deal with another real world person asking me if I know wrestling isn't real."
"And thank you so much for your help, that post was so informative and not a cheappost at all or anything just like 99% of all the other posts by you"
"Jake also goes on to make fun of Jericho. What is Jake's beef with Jericho? Is he jealous that Jericho isn't working indie shows for crack?"
"The real question is how long Keith will staff a columnist that writes better than he does."
"A Fan - Who has to watch his spelling because one of his poorly quotes ended up on 411. F'N Hyatte."
"In closing, you are a failed lesbian."
Right. And that does it for me.
"poorly quotes"? Heh.
This is NOT Widro too.