The Midnight News 7.16.01 

Posted By Hyatte on 07.16.01

Buff, Lynn, Trademarks, That guy with the three H's for a name, pathetic message board segment, and American pride 


Am I, (and someone who wrote to me) the only ones who noticed that on Smackdown Thursday, WCW Ref Nick Patrick made only ONE clean 3 count for a WWF star against a WCW star? That star being Chris Jericho?



An interesting little set-up may be going down right under our noses.

While everyone is rejoicing that Buff Bagwell's been canned... and Internet noodleheads are screaming "IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME!!", some new wrinkles have formed.

FOR instance, JR's Ross Report remarked about "unfounded Internet rumors" concerning Buff.

AND RF Video reports that close allies to Bagwell are swearing UP AND DOWN that he was NOT fired by the WWF.... he's just "keeping his distance" until they bring him back.

Now, just imagine how much heat Bagwell would get if this is true... he's be the biggest heel alive!

Then, imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you saw Yoko Ono naked.


1wrestling reported that a US bankruptcy Court has ORDERED the WWF to cease and desist this ECW storyline as it pertains to the blah blah blah...

What happened is that ECW is in Chapter 7, which means that all ECW assets must be liquidated and dispersed among it's debtors... I think. You know, the God's honest truth is... I can't summon the concentration to follow this. 

In a nutshell... the WWF is pissing people off by trying to make money off something that is only allowed to be of any value to a group of "debtors". One of which being something called HHG, which Bob Ryder's Travel Agency is a part of. (Bob offers a disclaimer at the bottom of each update on this story... 

The WWF is also using trademarks and copyrights that do not belong to them. Which is almost exactly like the time Bischoff let Scott hall act a bit TOO "machismo" on WCW TV. The WWF sued their asses QUICKLY!!!

What will the WWF do to answer this court order? Well....


... they laughed at the demands and ran Heat with all the angles untouched and unaltered (oxymoron?). Steph DOES own ECW and old Bob'll just have to add 20 more Pop-Up ads to cover his court costs!!! (Dear God.... WHY HURT US VINCE??? WHY GODDAMMIT, WHY????)

They'll settle it in 5 minutes on Raw tomorrow simply by having Vince come up with a sneaky way to get ownership OUT of Stephanie's hands. Steph will turn around and say "Okay, I don't own it, but I am CEO..." everything will continue just as smoothly and Bob will be hosting Byte This by the end of September. Get ready for a scathing article from him called "TCW IS PORN" soon after. (or: "TWF", because for some reason, I'm brain farting on the name here)


Then again, RF Video threw out a hint that the WWF actually DID purchase the property rights to ECW trademarks! One wonders how that, if true, managed to slip under ECW Creditor and TOP wrestling reporter, Mr. Ryder? Raw will supply ALL the answers!

Eww.... I hate this feeling... the feeling that I've been suckered into NEEDING to watch Raw.... dammit.


Wondering why Jerry Lynn isn't a part of the ECW push? Or, at least will not be for much longer? Wonder why his push had slammed into an invisible stone wall?

Well, some of the big time WWF decision makers aren't all that impressed with him. His work leaves MUCH to be desired.

Word on the street is that Patterson said, "Bubby, I know Val Venis, I've entered Val's Venis... you are no Val Venis!!"

And God help you if you EVER find yourself on that particular "street".

RF Video was all over that.


Lots of sites covered it, but it's off of Scherer that I pulled the thing.

The "thing" is Triple H's Byte This interview. Normally, I'd blow off anything "Bytable", but his Hunterness actually had some interesting stuff to say.... For instance:

-His rehab is coming along better than predicted, but it still will be some time before he returns... like in the Fall. He won't rush it and will only come back when he is at 100%. No sense in re-injuring the thing as soon as he shows up... one simply canNOT keep white boy Canucks firmly against the glass ceiling if he's spending all his time in Alabama doing laps in the pool and humping the Boss's daughter... (wait... why can't he?)

-Apparently, he's not involved with the booking while he's away, because he says that he's enjoying being there and watching the show as just a fan.

-He wants to be involved with the business for the rest of his life (well, if he keeps pumping that unHoly amount of horse tranq in his tuckus, that'll only be 10-15 years) and would be open to a Commissioner spot when he does retire (oh, so they'll be working THAT gimmick for the next two decades?)

-Says he'll know when it's time to retire. Some guys wait too long. He said Flair waited too long, but understood because Flair was so obviously better than anyone else, right up until the end (well, Ric WAS pushing it once he started wearing t-shirts to the ring)

-Concerning Darryl, that Tough Enough big black kid with the lip, HHH would team him with Vader right away so Vader could give him the "rash" (DAMN these carny terms!!). says that Darryl acts like an idiot and has no heart or passion for the business (well, that worked for Goldberg!). HHH predicts that if Darryl won the contest, he'll last less than 5 minutes in the WWF locker room before getting beaten and embarrassed.

-As far as the new wrestlers go, he loves Tajiri and likes Palumbo, O'Haire, and Shawn Stasiak.

-He advises WCW wrestlers to "not be a Bagwell". He didn't think Bagwell would have lasted as long as he did. If the company didn't toss him out, the "boys" would definitely had.

-He likes the attitude of Booker T and DDP. So far, they are showing that they have what it takes to be WWF Superstars and have none of that famous WCW attitude. (WAIT!! So, they aren't "being a Bagwell??")

-That was it. Vince McMahon makes a rare appearance next week, where the letters "X", "F", and "L" will be BANNED from use.... not as a GROUP... and NOT SEPERATE!!

"So Vince, can you te... speak on the state of the WW... company?"


Names popping up for possible hiring into the ECW faction?
Well, RF Video says that dawn Marie is likely... as well as CW Anderson.

The Sandman? Doubtful. Apparently, no one in ECW, no one in WCW, and no one in the WWF is willing to speak up for him.

Not even Raven's Mom? Damn!


Since there was no weekend update, (Widro must've been too busy admiring his freshly colored magenta pubes), I'll hit you with the whole magilla of columns. Starting freshest to oldest....

First, this week's Sunday Night Heat show has been recapped, edited, commented on, and slept through by perennial 411 workhorse Tom Daniels. The man almost works as hard as ME!!! Well... okay.... a piece of 3 week old ratpoop sitting in a freshly raided crackhouse works harder than me.... but still...

Second, this week's 411's Showcase Commentary is a cool new way to look at the state of Internet Writing these days. Maybe I liked it especially after spending a few hours pouring through all the goddam negativity on the message boards... yes, that's probably the case. Anyway, Carl Malek offers the Generic Internet Wrestling Writer Quiz for you to take.... I DARE YOU 

I'm very pleased with the quality of the columns I'm getting... we have enough Showcase columns for the next few weeks. I'll let you know when to send new ones in.

Third, Craig Letawsky has a kick ass Ask 411 column up. I actually read the damn thing... and actually LEARNED SOMETHING I DID NOT KNOW BEFORE!!! Hey, NO ONE screws with me when it comes to Old School knowledge, so when Letawsky explained the Ronnie Garvin NWA title reign, it knocked me for a loop! 

Fourth The Mean is up. Ben Morse has written the column that HAD to be written... an in-depth investigation into the Buff Bagwell character. Can Ben find something... anything redeemable about "The Stuff"? Go and find out.

Fifth Jeff Gardner continues his controversial (i.e.: It's hated by some) Hanging Gardens Real World series. It's never too late to catch the comedy train.

Sixth... Josh Nason does a damn fine impression of Good Ol' Jr and riffs away on his parody of "The Ross Report". It's The Fight Club and it's still one of the most underrated columns on the net. I swear.

Finally... I MAY... MAY have a new AAT up this week. I am just about ready to do another "PWI Homage" piece featuring that nameless wrestling reporter and the adventures he has covering this whacky world of sports entertainment. You'll see it right after I do.

Okay.... it's not the same old, same old.... but it still is.... 

ACROSS THE BOARDS (well...not really)

Well... screw me.

My computer dead ass froze on me after one too many windows were running on my screen (hey, if YOU can find an easier way to stay in 8 different N.A.M.B.L.A secret chats at the same time, feel free to tell me)... so I had to reboot everything.

And I didn't save the whole Message Board file... F-Me.

Sooo, even tho' I REALLY REALLY love doing this for you all (*cough), I decided NOT to go through all six boards (well, 5.2 boards, the Shooters NEVER have anything really cool) and instead, I'd personally run down what the general topics of conversation were this week:

-"Invasion sucks"

-"WWF sucks"

-"ECW will suck in this story"

-"WCW never stopped sucking"

-"Thank God Bagwell's gone, he sucks"

-"Vince sucks"

-"I think Stephanie sucks, and I wish she'd suck me"

-"Raw sucked"

-"Smackdown sucked"

-"The Undertaker sucks"

-"Keller sucks"

-"WOL is dead, that sucks"

-"Ryder really, REALLY sucks"

-"Scott Keith rules"

-"No he doesn't, Scott Keith sucks and YOU suck for being in love with him, fag"

-"I'm not a fag, you're a fag... and you suck"

-"Everyone here sucks"

-"Hyatte said I'm a bad writer, that sucks"

-"No, you're a GOOD writer, Hyatte sucks"

-"Hyatte's plug sent me more readers than I ever dreamed!!"

-"Oh, right, Hyatte sucks"

-"Hyatte's Midnight News sucks"

-"I read Hyatte's sucky news every day"

-"You all suck"

-"Shut up and leave us to our expert criticism, you suck head"

-"This sucks"

-"Jap wrestling RULES"

-"No, Jap wrestling SU(deleted by Dean Rassasomething)"

-"Okita Ohisucky sucks"


-"CRZ's girlfriend SU(deleted by CRZ... poster was thrown off the forum)

-"CRZ's brother sucks!

-"I do not!"

-"411's Mods suck"

-"No, 411's posters suck"

-"It's safe to say that everyone who frequents the 411 Fan Forum sucks to some degree"

-"Goodbye, I QUIT!"

-"Benoit RULES"

-"Canadians suck"

-"But Benoit is a Canadian"

-"Benoit is the exception"

-"Can we please just all agree that everything about wrestling sucks because we aren't a part of it and McMahon barely acknowledges our existence and deep down we know we are all brain dead and clueless and NONE of us could run a successful wrestling company no matter how hard we tried?"

-"Yes... we can. It sucks, but it's true."

And that, my friends... is basically what the message boards were all about this week.

Ahh, the Internet... the best place around where a wrestling fan can feel guilty about being a wrestling fan.

Okay.... finally... for my American brothers out there... how about we top the day off by CELEBRATING our great country... our great heritage... and the fact that the great ME stood up and shouted "NUKE CANADA!!! NUKE THE WORLD" last Friday!!! The letters are black print on white text but the spirit bleeds RED, WHITE AND BLUE!!!


*note... if you are Canadian and thus, can't read, then WHY ARE YOU HERE?? No, really... I just sign off after this... so if a little USA pride doesn't turn you on, you can go now and know that you've missed NOTHING.

Hyatte for President of the U.S. F'N A.!!!!

Allen Carter 

You know what else shows how much your country sucks, hosers? America's greatest wrestler isn't a deluded crybaby that forgets he is, in essence, an actor...and we would simply LAUGH at the idea of letting him write a weekly column in a newspaper.

Cpt Dave

WELL SAID! I live on the Texas-Mexico border, and your speech made me want to go across the border to a Mexican Whorehouse and shove my American Dollars down a 17 year old prostitute's G-String and order her to ride me BECAUSE IT IS MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN TAKE WHAT I SEE FIT! God Bless America, God Bless George Bush (he's giving me $300 bucks) and God Bless Hyatte!

Baldo Carrillo, Jr

I just read your "Midnight News" report today. There isn't another person on earth (other than me, of course) I would want to express how I feel to be an American, than you. You described what a TRUE American really feels like. They are just afraid to say it out loud for fear of persicution. F**k every other country. F**k what they think about us. F**k them all. They are nothing without us. Right on, Hyatte. 


I could not agree with you more, I am so f**king sick of heargin every country bitch about America. I mean, how often do you hear about Canadians rushing off to Columbia to help out earth quake victims? Never. But every time some second rate, third world, backwoods country gets f**ked up from some sort of disaster, we're always the first ones to help out. You know why? Because we CAN! No other country on earth has the ability to mobalize and assist like we do, because we are much more advanced than any other country in the world. And I'm pretty damn tired of hearing people bitch as us because we had slavery. I mean, yeah, it isn't right to hold any human as a slave, but it was also 150 damn years ago, and if memory serves me correctly, Canada is still in the Commonwealth with England, who started the slavery over here. Get over it Canada, every civilization in the world has owned slaves, and been slaves at one point in history. We're no worse than you because we aren't exempt from that. In closing, the only reason why we haven't overrun Canada yet, is because WE DON'T WANT IT! Who would want a country that is 50% frozen, useless tundra? Not I! And for the moron who said we couldn't take Canada in 1812, you weren't Canada yet, idiot, you were still a British colony


Hyatte.. that column was a f*ckin riot.. You did forget one thing that we do to Canadians though.. We steal their hockey teams and hockey players

Chris Cotter

After reading your last Midnight News Column, I am now proud to be called an American.

Shawn Collins

That was the most patriotic, honest speech I've ever heard about this country of ours. I think I'm gonna go get some blow and find a hooker, you've inspired me. GOD BLESS THE U. S. F***ING A. Thats another great thing about this country, we swear whether we need to or not, f**k what they think. Keep the words rollin


All I can say is, after your comments supporting America, you are God. And God just blessed America.

Jonathan Ramsey 

You did the impossible, Hyatte -- you made me proud to be an american. Now where do i find the anal-sex loving horny teenagers who will listen to Stern with me?


How do the Canadians get off saying "We entered WWII while it was almost done?" Hey morons, when we entered World War II the Germans had captured just about the whole freakin European mainland. It stretched from the English Channel all over to Russia. And we beat them back to Berlin (Although the Russians did beat us there) and we had also kicked them out of Africa, and we were island hopping and beating the Japanese at the same time, pretty much by ourselves. And then we invented the most powerful and groundbreaking weapon of all time and used it just because we COULD. There was a hell of a lot of fighting left by the time we entered the war in 1941. Which, by the way, ended in 45. Yeah, four years, we really just jumped on the bandwagon there.

Matt (address withheld by request)

Hell mother-f***ing yeah! Stick it to the walrus-eating, yak-sucking, reindeer-f***ing canucks! Get Canada the hell off our continent!

Mike Andrews

Ordinarily I wouldn't throw my two cents into this fun little conflict: I love my country, and because of this, I can understand people wanting to defend their own country's honor. But a typical thread in our northern neighbors' rants has been about us entering WWII when the fighting was all but done. As a History major, I'd like to retort with "What the F**K?!?!" Before the U.S. entered WWII, France belonged to Germany and Britain was getting hammered by German bombing runs. Even before Pearl Harbor the U.S. Industry was churning out weapons and ammunition for our Allies. And once the Nazis were put down, did anyone bother to help us in the Pacific theater? You can scoff at our Bipartisan politics. You can cringe and gasp at our crime and poverty rates. But never, /NEVER/ question our military might. No one kills stuff like America; it's a knack we have. It's especially unwise to put down America's military strength when your own country isn't known for having any real battles in their win column. For the record, we're still undefeated as far as wars go. Vietnam was a "conflict," and the Brits ran off after the War of 1812. God bless the USA!

Phil Tivis

Hey! If these stupid Canadians remember they haven't been a real country for even a hundred years now! America's got 225 Bay-bee! We also got Hyatte! FEAR THE POWER OF THE RED WHITE AND BLUE. F*ckin Frenchies. Get off our land!!!!! Remember, Austin...the AMERICAN...beat down both Chris Jericho AND Chris Benoit. Eat that people!

George Derry

Yes... eat THAT!

Golly... all this patriotism... it brings... a tear to my eye... 

Then again.... Canada isn't THAT bad! It's a pretty nice place actually... all tucked in down there.

I'm out, eh?

This is Hyatte