The Midnight News 8.22.01
Posted By Hyatte on 08.22.01
Numbers, The Score, Jim Ross, RVD, DDP, MTV's Sway, More Cool Hollywood Juice, and Honky Returns
Hyatte...I'm terribly upset! Whatever happened to us! You don't return my emails, or post my comments! I thought we had something special! But no, I guess you're just too busy with your little Yohann Trembley for me! Damn you Chris...The day I read my first AAT was the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!
Scott (Keith? Oh from my lips to God's ear!)
That's right... Scott!! Never any chicks... I never get this reaction from chicks,
So, what I have on tap for tonight is a whole bunch of news... some MORE Hollywood juice... and some answers to the question I asked about MTV's "Sway" character. Sooo, I thought I'd get to the wrestling news first, then move on into the fun stuff.... this way, you anal little pricks who just want yer wrestling stuff, you can scamper before I offend your senses or something.
Two quick notes: 1: The Guy who's "Undertaker Sucks and You suck too" e-mail I posted yesterday wrote back and admitted to being a bit abusive and mean to me and went ahead to explain his problems with Mr. Calloway in a very proper, well thought out e-mail... so either he saw his e-mail on the news and saw how mean spirited it was... or you readers gave him some hell. Either way, the air has been cleared and we both taught and learned something to and from each other.
2: The other day, I mentioned how Mountain Dew's "Code Red" soda kicked some serious ass... well, KAJenk1@aol.com recommends adding a little Tanqueray Gin too... no doubt for that extra kick. He also called me "my man".
Okay... that's all I have... well, except for this damn news thing...
The tally thus far...
The WWF has taken a significant lead.
CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY FOR THE INTERNET!
That's right, The Ross Report filed in a special mid-week column. Good Ol' JR should might as well had sub-titled the column, SummerSlam Ruled And here's Why! Yet, through the Rah Rah everything is great context, there lies some fine grains of SHOOTING!!
Se,, this is where takes off his "Good Ol' JR" black cowboy hat and puts on his "Jolly, but Feared Ol' Jim Ross".... make no mistake... JR makes grown men tremble in fear when he wants.
I should say that the whole theme of Ross' essay was "in-ring stories". He based all the matches on the stories they told.
He starts off by saying that SummerSlam was a... oh take a guess... yeah, that's right... a SOLID show. Funny, neither Ross or Scaia will EVER admit that a PPV was bad.... only one of them gets PAID to shill the WWF. Anywhoo, Ross gave the show a 6.5 - 7. He says it would have been higher, but the Big Show still needs to drop a few pounds. Dammit, Wight's bring the whole company down.
-Says that any opener to a PPV is important as it sets the table for the entire show. (Is it ALWAYS food with this guy?). He had the nerve to gall Christian's 54th run in "unique". Predicts that lance Storm will be one of their "stalwarts"! (AHA!!! SO STORM IS LEAVING THE ALLIANCE!!!! ROSS GAVE IT ALL AWAY!!). He also lied through his teeth about Edge and Christian FINALLY being ready for a pair of single pushes... yeah, okay. Sing us another song, you piano man.
-Admitted that the Internet was probably right for once and that the Big 6 man tag match would sucked... but MUCH to JR's... heh... "surprise"... is was actually quite good.
-Called X-Pac vs Tajiri an "extremely sound match"... which is odd since it was so quiet during the match that you could hear a pin drop.... I didn't hear any "extreme sound"... heh heh ha ha ha ho hoho BWAHAHAHAAA OH I KILL ME!!!
-Once again, JR demanded more Light heavyweight/Cruiserweight action!! Just to show that even Vince's right hand man has almost ZERO stroke within the company.
-JR's quest for adjectives other than great and superb continues as he called the Jericho/Rhyno Match "hard hitting and solid". He went off on some Internet goofus who accused Jericho of being "lazy" with those two blown spots... (I hear Scott Keith already issued a press release announcing that Ross was referring to HIM and that HE is the "new Dave Meltzer"). He stated that Chris Jericho has ":never phoned in a match and always gives 110%!! (Yeah, why give HHH even MORE reason to keep him down?). He re-iterated what I said yesterday (by way of Scherer), any blown rope spots last night were NOT the talent's fault. He also noted that Stephanie was "quite wet" after Jericho kissed her (well, damn, who wouldn't be?).
-Naturally, he had nothing but praise for the RVD/Hardy match, but strongly hinted that the WWF may be shortening these type of spot fest matches so the talent can stay healthier, longer.
-Now here's the true test of shilling... this is what separates the men from the Ryders.... how does JR talk up the Undertaker-Kane/Page-Kanyon match?
-"The Diamond Dallas Page-Undertaker storyline did not take off like we wanted it to.
The storyline was unique in its presentation. Some people liked it; most people seemed like they didn't. So, going in, the tag team Cage Match was colder than it should have been. But I thought all four guys worked very hard. It's not easy working with an inanimate object like a cage. They took some extraordinary chances, doing things on top of the cage -- Undertaker standing on top of the cage -- and you're inches away from disaster when you do that. But they threw caution to the wind and took a lot of chances. I thought it was much better than some thought it might be going in. If it have gone any longer, it might not have been as good. So I thought the timing was good. We got out of it what we needed to. It allowed us to begin to close the book on the Undertaker-DDP saga. "
-"Some people liked it; most people seemed like they didn't." and that's the CLOSEST he'll come to pissing on any WWF storyline... unless there's a real fatso involved (*CoughTBSHack*)... then he'll flame it all to hell!
-If JR was a betting man, he would have NEVER put money on a day when two black men headlined a PPV!!! (That Ol' Okie Bigot shining through!).
-No, seriously, for his money, Austin/Angle was the best damn match of the card. He went on about how it "told a story" and didn't use high spots or suicide moves. It highlighted Austin's viciousness and Angle's determination. He declared Angle as the headliner for many, many years to come and praised Austin for going out there and blah blah blah even though he broke his hand and his back just a month ago blah bah blah. Then he reminded everyone that Eric Bischoff used to fetch him coffee and Vince Russo liked paying little boys to fist him.
-and of course, he cited the "body of work" that far outweighed the screwjob ending
-He also said that this was his sort of old fart wrestling... hard nose mat style. He mentioned Shawn Michaels as a guy who took too many risks in his day and now had to retire too young because of them.
-Indeed, Ross summed up that it was time to put "Wrestling" back in the ring and leave "Sports Entertainment" to that MECW crap!!!! He demanded a new slogan for the company! "The WWF: WE WRESTLE!!!!"
-Finally, he went to the Rock vs Booker T. Called the Rock a "prodigy" who still puts on a fantastic match even being on the shelf for 4 months. He further went on to say that the amazing thing is that the Rock isn't even at his best yet... he's still a couple of years away from REALLY hitting his stride! (and we'll ALL see that stride as he RUNS... no... GALLOPS to Hollywood after his contract runs out in two years)
-As for Booker T... Ross discussed how Booker was used, abused, and emotionally molested in WCW. He never knew who to trust there. But in the WWF! He is getting a crash course in ring psychology and overall technique. Ross says that Booker T has come a long way from that pitiful "WCW Main Event" on Raw against Buff Bagwell a few months ago, and everyone is thrilled with his progress. If he continues to listen and improve, and if his great attitude keeps going, Booker will one day be a significant player in the company.
-As far as their match goes, Ross says that they might have been better off having the Austin/Angle match up last, because it was that damn good... but the entire SS push was for Rocky's return and blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda squawkata squawkata squawkata see you on Friday and buy the Sauce when it comes out.
There you go.. a mid-week treat from GOJR
You should know this by now... but I just wanted to add a little something...
The new TNN show that SHOULD have belonged to the "WWF's WCW" (come on, wouldn't you like to see how they would do it?) will officially be called WWF Excess. Starting Sept 25 at 10 p.m. you'll get two hours of highlights, fresh promos, and Trish Stratus gamely reading off the cue cards and flashing that incredible smile of hers whenever she F's up.
You'll also get a real live wrestler there to answer questions.
Now here's the kicker... they CLAIM to allow phone calls and e-mails... so the FANS will get to ask questions.
Well, will we get to SHOOT... or will the calls and e-mail be carefully monitored and edited kayfabe questions... (you know, like the e-mails that idiot Dusty the pussy used to put up all the time)
I think they will allow "shoot" questions for a bit... then, like on the old Livewire show, they will get one phone call too many from douchebags like the guy who once called Sunny "Tammy" and used locker room speak as if he's been in the business for 20 years. That's the only time I watched that show and the image of "Sunny" looking down at the floor awkwardly as the loser on the phone prattled on about "Chris" and... whatever else he talked about. Suddenly, they cut to Vic Venom who PROMISED that the new incoming WWF Luchadors will make a significant impact at the Royal Rumble. Man, if they can do THAT kind of show again... I may wa... WHOA... I WON'T WATCH IT!! I'LL BE OUT GETTING LAID!!!! BOOYA!!! (ohthankgodIcaughtmyselfjustintime)
If someone from the WWF is reading... here's some SERIOUS advice. Get Trish in skimpy outfits... show plenty of cleavage... and you might just get the "buzzed and horny" crowd just getting home from being rejected at the Nightclubs. I can TOTALLY see a half drunk ME watching Trish with my pants tossed across the room and my hand gently stroking... waiting for the right moment. Trust me... that's the way to go.
Oh, and I believe the official 411 Recapper of this show will be none other than "Mr Six Degrees of Ryder Fakin" FLEA!! Who is fast becoming my right hand man.
BANG!!! OW, MY KNEE!
Well, now things seem to be a BIT more logical...
Scherer said that not only is Dallas Page set to get some knee surgery, which was why he was squished so resoundingly at the 'Slam, but during that match, he also F-ed up his shoulder... so he'll REALLY be out for a while.
So, the way I see it... the last two squashes of Page are fully 50% punishment and 50% he's gotta go away for a while anyway.
YOU CAN'T SAY "DAMN, SHE'S GOT VAGINAL WARTS" WITHOUT "R","V", & "D"
Yes, the longest title EVER.
Jeff Kohl, ye radio dude with the silly nickname which I refuse to mention, did a show with Rob Van Dam... 1bob covered it. I shall provide some select cuts...
-RVD opens up by humbly admitting that he is NOT surprised at how quickly he got "over" in the WWF. Says that he always had a lot of fans all over the country... so it wasn't like he was unknown.
-He is prepared for the MUCH larger road schedule he is going to have in the WWF. He says that in ECW, he worked less matches per week, but the matches were so long and brutal that the quicker WWF matches, which won't be as messy, will actually benefit him.
-He says that the shorter matches in the WWF will be tougher on him mentally... he's used to having 30 minutes to showcase his every move.
-He says that he will need time getting used to not having creative control of his matches anymore... but being put in a hardcore situation with someone like Jeff Hardy right away helped ease the transition.
-Says that the idea of topping himself with each match is a "piece of cake"... said that after a 30 minute match with Jeff hardy he knew they could go out there for another 30 minutes and not repeat a single move.
-Says that he isn't worried about topping himself each match. Says that in the 5 years he was in ECW, he was amazed that they topped themselves at the ECW Arena every time out. He is convinced he can do it. Then he told a story about how Stan Hansen told him in '93 that he'll never last two years in the business with his wild spots. Well, who is laughing NOW, bitch??
-In a related report, when asked about RVD, Stan Hansen responded, "Hmmph, I thought that pony-tailed hippie was a faggot, anyway!"
This ends the wrestling news... now let's have some FUN!!
THE LEAD AND HOW TO "SWAY" IT
So, yesterday I asked... well, here's the excerpt from yesterday's news... Who is this "Sway" news guy and isn't it racist AND insulting to presume that black kids will ONLY listen to news if it's read off by an urban "Hip-Hop" Newscaster who doesn't appear to have any broadcasting training whatsoever?
Of course, I was referring to the black guy on MTV, who seems to ONLY do reports in late night.... hmmmm?
Anyway, I got TWO responses with solid answers... one went into detail and the other... well... the other made sense too.
First, the sensible response:
I might be able to answer a little of that MTV question you had. That Sway guy on MTV used to have a really big hip hop show that was broadcast around the world called "The Wake Up Show" with his friend, King Tech. It has since been discontinued because the radio station wanted him to play more commercialized hits and he wasn't having that. They even have CDs out with artists that visited the show. He has been a big influence on hip hop and has helped bring to mainstream artists like Eminem and Tyrese (yes, not hip hop) to the forefront. If you listened to hip hop, I guess you would know who he is. He's been around for awhile and I guess that's why he's credible as a person to bring hip hop news on MTV. And as for racist? I don't know. It's not like you see the country channel putting black folks on there. =) It's all the same.
Yes, that sounds right... knowing this, I think we ALL can watch "Sway" piss on Tom Brokaw's years of training in the medium with no problem. The man obviously has cred.
Now, here's the second response... and in many ways, just as legit:
Hi Hyatte- Just a response to your questions about MTV. I don't work for them or anything, but as someone who sometimes uses the Internet, I think I qualify as the worlds biggest expert on anything that I say. Anyway, MTV likes black people and puts them in a lot of the stuff they do because black people are cooler then white people. Not all black people are cool and not all white people are lame, but on average, the 10%+ of the population that is black is thousands of times cooler then the white people. For justification, I give you rock music and rap. Not to mention teen fashion for the last twenty years.
Alas... he's right too.
And... I vow to one day use the phrase, "but as someone who sometimes uses the Internet, I think I qualify as the worlds biggest expert on anything that I say."
HAWHAW HAW!!! Did this kid just sum up the entire Internet collective mindset or WHAT????
Thank you guys! I have been "swayed"... word to yo moms and YO!
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS HOLLYWOOD REPORT
Yes, it's back!!! This time, YOU can be a part of it!!!
First, a couple of addendums from yesterday... courtesy of a pair of readers...
Hugo explains why Ben Affleck is NOT gay and has a story as proof!
Here's a little more on Affleck.
He was here in Montreal filming "The Sum of All Fears". This lasted four about 16 weeks. Now, MAYBE he's a homo. I cannot confirm that, but I find it doubtful.
I have a few friends that were working with him all this time. Affleck was ALWAYS drinking. Big time. And lot's of coke too. But most of all, the guy f**ks women ALL THE TIME. One night, he spent 10 000$ in Montréal's biggest strip club. I don’t have to tell you he left with 6-7 strippers. And yes, that night, he was with Damon.
He also fucked 4-5 girls that were working with him on the set. And in bars....... sh*t, ALWAYS leaving with AT LEAST one girl. The guy is not in rehab for nothing.
So, maybe he's bi, maybe most of these girls were f**king him in the ass. Either way, he's one hell of a babe magnet.
There you go... Affleck is a girl humping MACHINE.... thus he is probably not gay... but he still should DIE DIE DIE!!!
AND... Hector wrote in explaining ANOTHER sort of known secret about Hollywood...
I'm not writing to you tonight to kiss your ass, rather to let you in on another little secret about Hollywood. A secret which I’m sure you're very familiar with. You see, Hollywood is like little Israel, you have to be a Jew to be part of the privileged. Check out the local community college scene out here in LA. You have nothing but a sh*tload of cute Midwestern girls that think that talent is actually going to get them somewhere. I think of these poor people as L.A.’s Palestinians.
So maybe I sound like Hitler..so what? Its the damn truth! But I'm sure you were already well aware of this fact. In anycase Hyatte, keep up the great work.
Well, I think we all knew about the Jew thing... but this guy has the BEST analogy I've ever heard!
And lastly, Kevin Chubey told me about this site... it's a site that dishes the dirt on almost EVERY Hollywood star in neat, tidy paragraphs... they even do it in Alphabetical order.
Now, I really DON'T want to link the site... because I'd LOVE it if you just stuck here with me for the posting... but it's not fair of me to do it. Unlike the naughty definition site, which just uses known definitions, this guy actually puts a whole lot more effort into his site... so I have to be fair.
So the site is called... umm, I don't actually know the name per se... but you can go
HERE and see for yourself... try not to burn through ALL of them... let ME surprise you a couple of times, okay?
By the way, all this gossip I've been doing... whether it be on wrestlers or actors... it's just that... GOSSIP.... none of this is proven, or dead on balls truth... it's just assumption and "well, I heard from his brother's girlfriend's Doctor that" hearsay... so it's PROBABLY true... but it's also a bit false.. okay?
Now the site offers a couple of guidelines to help you make sense of all this...
FOD means Friend of Dorothy, a.k.a. a gay man.
L______ stands for lesbian.
B______ stands for bisexual.
Okay, here we go with EIGHT big names...
Berry, Halle. Formerly married to wife-beater David Justice, and formerly abused by one of her men. "Temperamental" (read: difficult to work with). Formerly a very pricey kept woman. Linked to Prince Albert of Monaco, Kevin Costner, Spike Lee, Eddie Murphy, and Wesley Snipes (reportedly the one who beat her and rendered her near-deaf in one ear).
Brown, Bobby. All-around a-hole. Married to and merkin for Whitney Houston. Linked with Madonna. Wife-beater and generally abusive towards women. Slut, alcoholic and drug addict. Most likely riddled with every sexually-transmitted disease so far discovered. Unpleasant personality. Some of the worst humanity has to offer.
Bush, George. "Glad-handing sack of sh*t." Prissy and sanctimonious hypocrite. Had long-time affair while married to Barbara Bush; hired his mistress as State Dept spokeswoman. Also reported to have enjoyed the favors of "party girls."
Carrey, Jim. Unpleasant man, simultaneously rampantly insecure and hideously conceited. Extreme hypochondriac. Didn't make it through high school. Has been known to act extremely childishly on-set. Has sexually harassed numerous actresses. Linked with Lauren Holly, Ashley Judd, Courtney Love, Linda Ronstadt, and Renee Zellweger.
Carson, Johnny. Jury is still out on whether he is a manipulative, cold, creepy jerk, or simply a clueless and stupid innocent who was overly-well-protected by his handlers. Wife-beater. Hires working girls to sit on his lap and call him "Daddie." Linked with Ann-Margaret, Angie Dickinson, Morgan Fairchild, Sally Field, and Mamie Van Doren.
Gellar, Sarah Michelle. Recovering anorexic. Prefers to go out with men less famous than she. Has grown too impressed with herself. Has hair extension because of the damage all that dyeing has done to her hair. Either "bitchy" and "imperious" or simply too take-charge and aggressive for fragile egos. Linked with David Boreanz (whose marriage she helped destroy), Matthew Perry, Freddie Prinze Jr., Jerry O'Connell.
Gershon, Gina. Got her role on "Snoops" by nailing David E. Kelly. Linked with Gillian Anderson, Beck, and Lenny Kravitz.
Judd, Ashley. "A cold fish." Hypocrite who slept with anyone she thought would advance her career. Heavily surgically augmented; "gobbles more antidepressants than you can imagine." Neglects her pets. Linked with Michael Bolton, Jim Carrey, Robert De Niro, and Matthew McConaughey. Tends to be with her costars.
There you go... and there's SO much more.
Aw Johnnie... say it isn't so!
Bobby Brown? Yeah, that's believable
Jim Carrey? I totally see that.
Sarah Michelle Gellar? Once she told a reporter who asked her if it was hard being a "bitch" in that Cruel Intentions flick, "No, see, I'm an actress so it's my job to play parts like that!" OH, she was SUCH a snot.
I have to say, the Lyrical Stunt is growing on me. Not only does Art Martinez do some goofy rhymes, but then he has the readers contribute... hilarity ensues.
Here's a sample reader rhyme... on Goldberg:
Hi my name is Willy Goldberg and i currently choose to have no job
Gimme until my contract runs out
Then I'll be a 370 pound fat slob
For the time being I'll collect my Time Warner check and play with my knob
If i see that punk Gillberg Ima swing like I’m Ty Cobb
Come on... if you can't see the humor in that... especially if it's unintentional... then you have issues.
Congrats go out to Craig Letawsky, who debut's a NEW column alongside his old one. Yes, not only will Craig do the Ask 411 column, but now he's doing something he calls the
Apparently, I "allsuck" - whatever that is column! Oddly enough, the teaser for his Ask 411 column is the exact same as the title of his new one... and vice-versa! Also odd, Craig seems to be looking to break the record for longest e-mail hyperlink inn Internet History... the FUNNIEST thing is that Both columns seem to be the exact same... I don't know... I just plug what I see!! GOOD FOR YOU CRAIG!!!! KEEP IT UP, TIGER!!
Finally, Ron Gamble's World According To Ron is up. Widro tried to sneak this one by me, posting late at night while he KNEW I was doing the news. Creep!. Anyway, Ron has some fun this week by goofing on a fake news item he found in a mailbox, talking about his upcoming 12th wedding anniversary, and talking about that wrestling related column that everyone's creaming their pants about over at ESPN.com.... I WAS going to talk about it, but seeing how everyone from Scherer to Meltzer to Keller to Jablomee is carrying on about how a REAL journalist has DARED to write about SummerSlam WITHOUT cracking on it once... I kind of was turned off by the whole thing.
It IS a good column tho'... especially the part where the writer sort of admits to checking out a message board once or twice.
I hear Scott Keith already issued a press release announcing that the writer was referring to HIS message board and that HE is the "new Dave Meltzer".
Okay then... with everything wrapped up, I guess we can go and... oh my God, i just realized... it's been DAYS since we paid a visit to...
TAKE US HOME, HONKY!!
It seems that someone at the Honky Tonk Man has learned how to super-impose faces on pictures... so they've been having fun with that lately... but Honky still knows that we love to hear him goof on people...
At a recent show, Droz was backstage meeting and greeting. He was said to be a bit appauled at Sean O'Haire and Chuck Palumbo in particular for not introducing themselves to Darren. A WCW road agent came to the defense of Palumbo and O'Haire by saying the two have the feeling of "not being worthy" of walking up and meeting certain high-profile talents such as Undertaker and Triple H. Both of whom they have had problems with being un-social before. Now my two cents. If these guys feel not worthy, then what in the hell are they doing taking a pay check? What are they doing in the WWF? Who in the hell trained these guys in such backwoods bullsh**? Not worthy? Your dam right, with that attitude they need Bradshaw to beat the hell out of them until they understand professionl courtesy.
And on DDP:
DDP is said to have both a blown out knee and shoulder. Looks like there will not be too much return on that investment. Dallas, you should have stayed on the Time-Warner gravy train. Those dam stockholders didn't care if you continued to rape them. I said in an earlier news post a few weeks ago, the signing of DDP was a mistake. He brings nothing to the table. Diamond Dallas you are injury prone now. They shoot lame horses. Welcome to the over 40 crowd. Hope Kimberly is ready to step up to the plate cause your days are numbered. Out of sight, out of mind. Bye Bye
Brutal... eternally brutal.
Well I'm all set... so I'll leave you with this... something to think about...
Want to know what Stephanie will be like once Vince dies?
Watch Any Given Sunday (AGAIN... because the movie rules so hard you've seen it dozens of times already). See the Cameron Diaz character? That'll be Steph. Shane will end up being the guy everyone talks to... Steph will be the cold ice queen. I can feel it.
You've had enough of me... feeling's mutual, assface.
This is Hyatte