The Midnight News 09.27.01
Posted By Hyatte on 09.27.01
Hogan is a murderer, Smackdown, Kronik, Hart, 500 wrestlers, Savage's Stripper, the Biggest Net Nerd, O'Haire Gets Tuned Up, CRZ, and Joanie Finds a Job
Me thinks you went off the deep end. Are you that drunk on your own talent that you think your great? I mean I never see any other writer bash you why do you feel you need to bash them. Hang it up Hyatte you have not been funny sence the mop-ups ended now hang it up and go get a job at burger king/ Its about all you are able to do besides this. Oh and rember I like mustard on my burger and i do want fries with that.
No problem... just let me run to the can and jerk some semen into this too. Me thinks I like to bash other writers because they are, for the most part, self involved, self important, ego-maniacal, assholes. I am too, but at least I see this in myself and use it.
your news bull shity shit is about as cool as fruit by the foot. which let me tell you is some bad ass stuff
For the life of me, I have no idea if this is a flame or a compliment.
I'm Chris and this is the news. I wasn't here last night because... well, part of this new attitude I have is that if I don't want to do a column one night, then I damn well ain't doing one.
Also, in case you're wondering... the official opinion from Widro about this is that he does NOT want the news to become another version of the Mop-Up. "It's the last thing I want" was his actual words. My actual response was "feel free to fire me then". So that's where we stand. Widro's under the delusion that the site MUST have a serious news column like 100% of the other silly F-ing sites out there.... just having the best Newsboard out there isn't enough. I guess the goal is to be the next Rajah or something. The Lords of Pain, Widro... let's reach for the Lords of Pain level of credibility. If I really, really work at it... maybe I can be the next Mr. Tito. Hey, here's the next "Phat Midnight News!!" Ooo... OOO... how cool!!
For Christ's F-ing SAKES!!!
Other than that, Widro really is a good kid.... and he's rich... and single... snap this boy UP, ladies.... quick... because he is THIS close (my thumb and forefinger are very very close together) to switching teams.
Off we go... starting off with a MAJOR, ASTONISHING, NEWSBREAK!!!!
HOGAN PULLS AN OJ!!
This is an alarming breaking story.... a big 411 EXCLUSIVE!
Hyatte, I had a dream about Hogan last night. He tried to kill me. He had it all setup and made twins stab him so he had an alibi and then he had them stab me...Hes a clever sort.
Yeah, that's right... I am reporting PEOPLE'S DREAMS!!! DEAL WITH IT, LOSERS!!!
HERE'S WHERE I RUIN SMACKDOWN
Well, no... not really. No "spoilers".... just some teasers.... not because I want you to be surprised... just because it's quicker to slap up a couple of highlights....
Someone who gets crap for not jobbing actually DOES so.
We have a title change... two titles in fact.
Booker and test defeated the Undertaker and Kane for the WCW tag titles. SUCKAAA!!! I SPOILED IT ALL!!! I RUINED YOUR NIGHT!!!! NOW YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE TO MISS Will & Grace!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA
The Rock and Kurt Angle fight the Dudleys.... many, many comedic vignettes precede the match.
Two guys who everyone says suck fight... the smaller guy who, ironically, is said to suck the most lost.
RVD gets Jericho in a rematch for the HC title.
Hurricane Helm's gimmick is improved upon.
Bradshaw takes on Christian... all accounts say it ain't pretty.
The show is from Dayton, Ohio.... I hear Scaia was there in daisy dukes, a belly shirt, and holding a sign that reads, "JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A HOUSEMATE DOES NOT MAKE ME... OH WHO AM I KIDDING?" Yes, it's a long ass sign.
WITNESS THE MIGHTY STROKE OF THE UNDERTAKER
It's old news by a day.... but Kronik was shitcanned right before RAW because they really were as terrible as Nitro led everyone to think. Where are all the naysayers screaming that the Undertaker runs the WWF NOW??? THOSE WERE HIS FRIENDS!!! WHY COULDN'T HE KEEP THEM AROUND???? MAYBE THE UT IS NOT AS INFLUENCIAL AS EVERYONE SAYS???
Actually... I don't think anyone accused the UT of that... now that I think of it.
Anyway, rejoice... Brian Adams is gone again... and we never got a chance to hear him say, "Why don't you drink a big cup of SHUT THE HELL UP!!"
THE HART FOUNDATION
RF Video says that Jimmy Hart is going to start a new promotion, with the first taping set for November at Universal Studios in Florida. Kevin Sullivan and Brian Knobbs will be there, but Hart is more interested in young, hot boys to light a fire under the company and probably light a fire into Hart's sphincter (he's an awfully femmy "cat"). Of course.... that's all speculation on my part... totally... not a shred of proof... Hart could be the biggest stud this side of the Mason Dixon line... he might have a huge shlong that the ladies love. He could also be as gay as a french waiter.... so could you... so could I... LET THE MAN LIVE HIS LIFE!!!
RAW IS... A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR?
Because everyone's so hyper-sensitive, the WWF will drop "Raw is War" and from now on... it'll just be RAW. They will also change the December PPV "Armageddon" to "Payback". For God's Sake... why?
I say, go the other way... change "Raw" to "Pluck the Balls of the Ragheads" and "Armageddon" to "NUKE POLAND"... bet'cha no one will notice. Well, Ryder will fire off a blistering essay condemning Vince for the move, but that would be it.
500 REASON TO AVOID BUYING PWI
PWI, still reeling from the ascension of the Internet, has revealed it's big list of the top 500 Wrestlers of 2001... even though there is still 3 months left in the year.
Here's the top ten.
1. Kurt Angle
2. Steve Austin
3. Chris Benoit
4. Keiji Muto
5. Booker T.
6. Triple H
7. Scott Steiner
8. Mitsuharu Misawa
9. Chris Jericho
#11 is the Undertaker, by the way... now run to the message boards and cry like a woman.
Obviously, the DVD "Playas" have creamed their shorts seeing how TWO Japs are in the top ten.
Right around #269 is where any recognizable worker goes away and no name Indy workers from Bumblephuck, USA fill up the rest of the 230 or so slots.
Check out these silly names...
331. Johnny Kashmere
332. Biggie Biggs
333. T. Rantula
334. Mr. Ooh La La
335. Drake Dawson
336. Dean Champion
337. Dusty Wolfe
338. Curtis Thomson
339. Ricky Harrison
340. Ty Street
341. Rico Casanova
342. Lord Zoltan
343. Skull Ganz
Sad news.... "Spiffy" Sean Styles is no longer listed.... too much time putting up pix of him banging an alleged woman!
AWW... and there is NO sign of The All American Jeff Peterson. I guess his Uncle doesn't have THAT much pull!
You DO realize that there is no way in HELL the PWI people paid much attention to this list... especially the last 400 or so... it's all names out of a hat, kids. That's won't stop you from debating, arguing, and fighting about this list for the next 5 months... but F-it.. I guess y'all have to talk about SOMETHING!.
Oh, and here are the last eleven names... I am willing to bet that these names were all made up.... Stu Saks said "Screw it" and started creating names just to fill the slots...
490. Mack Truck
492. J.W. Boss
493. The Hussla
494. Jeff Starr
495. Superstar Steve
496. Dango Wynn
497. Sean Royal
498. Supreme Lee Great
499. Bill Mudd
500. Pepper Parks
Oh COME ON!!
Oh, and finally... MAJOR props to #483... The Japanese Pool Boy. Maybe the best goddam wrestling name EVER!!! The Japanese Pool Boy... BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
THE STRIPPER WITH THE LOBSTER CLAW
If you saw the video from a year back, then you’ll understand the reference... if you didn't... well, Gorgeous George's vag looks a bit like a lobster claw... uncooked. Feel free to imagine that.
Anyway, both Scherer and The Torch reported that Gorgeous George is now dancing in clubs under the name "Stephanie Sands, Who Formerly Wrestled as Gorgeous George of the WCW".
While, that's not really NEWS... what IS news is that BOTH Scherer and the Torch stated that this news came from "Torch Reader/Lariat Reader Luke Johnston"... who runs the Shooters web site... and yes, the Shooters also splashed this news on it's front page.
No, this isn't news either... it's just another reason why those who know Luke Johnston think he is a complete tool.
I will delete any mail Luke sends to me concerning this without even reading it.... (and believe me, it's coming)... so don't bother.
Some site... one I cannot mention because I'm too ashamed of admitting that I went there, reported that Sean O'Haire was spotted at the RSF Mixed Martial Arts Event in Savannah, Georgia on Saturday Night. He ended up being thrown out by police.
It seems O'Haire stated a big fight in the seats and ended up getting his ass WHUPPED by a punk who was at least "100 pounds lighter" than him. O’Haire seemed to be drunk... but he might have just been woozy from getting his ASS WHUPPED BY SOMEONE 100 POUNDS SMALLER THAN HIM!!
When asked how he allowed a small fry to kick his ass, O'Haire mumbled, "I thought I was back in WCW and Russo wanted to me to put him over!"
VAGUE CRZ AOL MESSAGE TO ME OF THE WEEK
Then he left.
This WTC thing really must have gotten to him... he's freaking out. I think his fans should all write to him and ask him to put his thoughts about what happened on screen... he really needs to vent his frustrations... the man seems to be cracking up.
In Josh Grut's A Wrestling Tale, he tells a tale of how even a wrestler can help people deal with a pair of jets soaring into the twin towers. He also gives the only known eulogy by a wrestling columnist of a famous musician. I am no longer Josh's hero... by the way. That honor goes to Ron Gamble now.
Craig Letawsky answers your questions in another installment of
Ask 411. I wonder if Craig's glad his housemate didn't disturb his sleep when the jets hit the towers? Jesus, I hope Craig doesn't even have a housemate.
In between wondering if keeping me around is still worth the headaches, Widro still manages to hire new writers with ridiculously hard to pronounce last names. This time, Daniel Benovitz comes aboard as 411's offical Top Ten guy!
The Tornado DDT (ugh... whatever happened to the cool column names, like Spilled Milk?) is Daniel's pilot column. He lists the Ten Greatest Wrestler Storytellers of All Time! Give it a shot.
Time for a Take is Joe Rivett’s latest column, this time Joe and the readers take a deep look at... at... looks at... at... Jesus, I totally forgot.... but I DO remember enjoying it... no, really. I SWEAR!!
TAKE US HOME, JOANIE
The site belongs to the Artist Formally Known as Chyna. I thought it might be fun to see how SHE reacted to the events of the 11th. Well, with her September 13th post... she did NOT disappoint her legions and went RIGHT to announcing that she found AN ACTING JOB!!!
Thank you all for your e-mails inquiring about my safety. I am indeed safe and sound, and like all of us I am mourning the events of this week. This is a time for friends and family to spend time together and be thankful for our good fortune. My thoughts go out to everyone who has suffered as a result of Tuesday's multiple tragedies.
Okay... show of hands... who out there was concerned for HER?? Let's see them... who even gave Joanie a second of consideration that Tuesday?
Then she dove into her big announcement:
BIRDCAGE PRODUCTIONS PROUDLY PRESENTS
MY Darling J U D I T H
A Comedy By Norm Foster
AT The Living Arts Centre
4141 Living Arts Dr.
Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
December 18th, 19th & 20th - 8:00pm
tickets go on sale Saturday September 15th (tentative date)
available at the LAC box office - (905) 306-6000
for more info visit us at href="http://www.birdcageproductions.com">www.BirdcageProductions.com.
or call the Birdcage info line at (416) 703-8155
staged by special arrangement with Christopher Banks & Associates
You know... no joke... Mississauga, Ontario, Canada is really just a small stepping stone to BROADWAY!!
It won't be long now before Joanie is the next NATHAN LANE!!!
or... God willing... she becomes the next LIZA!!! She's already tailor built to be the biggest star in the gay community since... well, Nathan Lane and Liza.
Y'know... I'd actually PAY to see Joanie, all fat and bloated drunkenly lip synch The Theme to New York at Yankee Stadium.
Heh... screw the destruction and tragedy... Joanie needs to PLUG!!!
Who said she doesn't have balls?
Okay then... I'm off.
How do you like me NOW???
This is Hyatte