The Midnight News 10.08.01
Posted By Hyatte on 10.08.01
Special Kid's Edition! Fun stuff about Kronik, The Gentleman, Hall, Nash, and Honky
Here's a concept for ya'
I will NEVER be fired from this site. Never, ever, EVER.
When I decide to stop doing this (and the time is coming, very fast), it'll be because I want to, I'll walk.
How'd that boycott go anyway?
Okay... now in all seriousness... it has come to my attention that this column is read by kids. Young kids. Some Dads like to sit with their young tykes and read stuff like this. You know, I never thought about that, really... that I am speaking to young children of all ages. How can I be so vulgar when there are little kids reading? I can't. It's not nice. I have to be sensitive to the family audience.
So, from here on out... the Midnight news will be "Family Friendly". Dads... I'm here to say that you CAN let your child read this with no fear of "adult language"... I WILL alter my tone to a more responsible level. I will help TEACH the children the utter poetry and beauty of professional wrestling withOUT sinking to gutter humor and course language. Kids... this news is for YOU!!
FIRST OFF... YOU KNOW... LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
Good news, gang! It seems that Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, formerly the WCW's "Outsiders", have talked with the WWF about coming back to full time work! Now, kids... both wrestlers are superduper cool... Hall is the one who used to say "Hey Yo", and liked to "punk you out!". Nash is the big guy who always helped Scott, and who always had a big smile on his face. Both men helped make wrestling WICKED cool. They've been away for a while, but now it looks like they are coming back. Isn't that neat?
Of course, Scott Hall has had some problems in the past. You know that beer your dad sometimes has after work or on Saturdays? That gold drink that smells real bad? Well, Scott sometimes drinks too much of that... and it makes him dizzy and throw up all over the place. He also sometimes liked to give himself a shot... yes, he was sick so he sometimes gave himself a needle! How dumb is THAT?? He doesn't do it anymore now. Kevin helped him stop drinking too much and giving himself shots. That's how cool a good friend can be. So always treat your friends right, and they will do the same.
Kevin doesn't have those problems, he just likes to kiss a lot of different girls who jiggle their boobies in dark, smoky rooms in front of men like your Dad who scream a lot and give them money. Ask your Mommy about that.
Those nice men at The Torch reported this. These men want you to go into Dad's wallet, take out that green plastic card, and write the numbers on a webpage so that they can send you a weekly news paper in the mail. Go right ahead and do it. Daddy won't get mad.
FIRST LENNON, NOW THIS
You won't remember him, guys... but a very popular wrestler from a loooong time ago (1986) has gone to Heaven to meet God. His name is Chris Adams... and his nickname was "The Gentleman". He used to fight the Von Erichs in Texas. Adams was usually pretending to be the bad guy, but in real life it was the Von Erichs who were the poopyheads and Adams was... umm... no, I guess he was pretty much a poopyhead too.
Adams was killed when a friend of his shot him with a gun after a big argument that turned into a fistfight.. See, when your Mommy and Daddy fight, they just yell at each other... then your Daddy gets mad and hits Mommy. Then Daddy hits you. Then Daddy touches you in the bad place. Well, instead of touching him, Adams friend took a gun and shot him. So no one was touched in the bad place. Remember that, gang. The next time Daddy gets mad, get a gun and shoot him. Bang. He'll never touch you again. Shoot Mommy too, while you're at it. She's a meanie.
SMOKIN' DOOBS IN OHIO
Nevermind that dumb title that makes no sense, this news story was taken from PWBTS.com.
You know those two big men who messed with Kane and the Undertaker? They were named "Kronik" (because they liked to smoke those funny cigarettes that the older kids sometimes like to puff on when no one is looking). Well, they were so BAD at their job that the WWF fired them. See, when you grow up, if you are not doing well at your job, your Boss will stop you from doing so. So it's always good to be the best at what you do and try as hard as you can.
OR, you can just make friends with those who DO good work so they can make your Boss keep you. This is what happened with Kronik.
See, after doing a bad job, the WWF asked Kronik to try doing a smaller job, just for practice. Kronik, who has the Undertaker on their side, wanted to stay in the WWF and do a sucky job. So, they left the WWF and wouldn't come back until they got their way.
See, Kronik signed a contract with the WWF. The contract is a piece of paper that says the WWF promises them to keep paying them no matter what happens. The WWF tried tried to pay Kronik for the contract, but the amount of money the WWF offered them was not enough. So Kronik gets to stay. They do have to work at that smaller company until they get better at their job, but at least they got their way.
The Undertaker is a big WWF man, and he got them into the company. So remember, if you are really, really nice to one of the bosses, you can work as bad as you want. Isn't America great?
Sometimes, Uncle Hyatte gets really, really tired... and since Uncle Hyatte doesn't give a flying fudge about doing this anymore, he doesn't do many news stories anymore. Plus, there isn't that much news to report anyway. No one seems to understand this and they get mad at Uncle Hyatte for not being nice to them and making them feel like idiots. These people are homosexuals... they like to kiss other men. If you kids see them, stab them with a knife... or use that gun I told you to get in case Daddy gets mad at you. If you live in Dayton, Ohio... and if you ever see someone named "Rick Scaia"... well, he is the BIGGEST homosexual of them all... shoot or stab him as soon as you can... because he WILL touch you in a bad place..
Anyway, after all the news is reported, I like to talk about what OTHER los... 411 writers are talking about. This way, you, me, and EVERYONE gets to read them.
Actually, not many people wrote anything tonight. Carlos Mahuad (MOO-Hard) watched the latest episode of Sunday Night Heat and wrote down everything that happened for those of you who missed it. If YOU want to know what happened, read this
Pat Brower did the same this with another TV show called Jakked. If you want to know what happened because you didn't see it (probably every last one of you) read this.
TAKE US HOME, HONKY
Now kids, some wrestlers get old and no longer are able to work for a big place. So, when this happens, they usually get very upset and grow to hate everyone. You know how your Daddy mentions his Boss’s name, then says a bad word? Well, when he gets real old, he'll be saying this about his fellow workers too.
The Honky Tonk Man is an old wrestler who likes to talk mean about other wrestlers now. Grown-ups like me find him funny as heck, but if you don't understand what he's talking about, it's okay.
This is what he had to say about "The One" Billy Gunn:
"The greatest pure athlete in the WWF." Those words of Jim Ross keep ringing in my ears, especially after watching this "great athlete" tap out of Lance Storm's submission hold last night on Smackdown. This was the only match I watched because I wanted to see if Gunn might be getting a little push, instead, I think "the boot" would be the term to use. Gunn was, and please let us forget this disaster, "Rockabilly" when I was his manager. I knew they had the wrong guy for this one, but a "career killer" as he so eloquently said aloud when I came into the backstage area at this past Royal Rumble. My response was quick and to the point, aloud, and in front of all to hear, "Billy, I can't kill something that is already dead."
See, he likes to say mean stuff about people... but really... the people deserve it.
The Honky Tonk Man also looks like Elvis Presley. Elvis is a singer who your Grandma probably wanted to shake her boobies at. Ask her to show you what I mean.
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES
Before I stop writing today, I thought I'd explain to you guys something that you probably always wondered about, but were afraid to ask.
Have you ever heard noise coming out of Mommy and Daddy's room? Ever sneak out of bed and go peak in to see what they were doing? Well, if Daddy was on top of Mommy, he was probably stabbing her with his pee pee...
Yes, he was POKING his pee pee deep inside her.... he's done it a lot of times... so much so that Mommy now has a little slit under her belly that is ugly as Hell, but will never go away. (It's damn tasty too)
If Mommy is screaming, CALL THE POLICE!! DADDY IS HURTING YOUR MOMMY!!!! DADDY IS HURTING HER IN THE BAD PLACE!!! DADDY IS BAD, BAD BAD!!!
In fact, I will tell you a couple of different ways Daddy can hurt Mommy... so when you call 911, you will be able to look like a big boy or girl and tell them exactly what daddy is doing. So read this and learn what these mean, dirty things really are.
The Chili Dog: This is when Daddy goes poo poo on Mommy’s chest, then he rubs his pee pee between her boobies, which smears the smelly poop all over her. Mommy will smell like poop forever... and you will never get to hug her again. DO YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN??
Hot Lunch: This is when Daddy poops right in Mommy's mouth, and she eats it. How can you kiss Mommy ever again? MAKE THE POLICE STOP THIS!!
New York Style Taco: Remember what I told you about Scott Hall drinking too much and getting dizzy? Well, when Daddy gets too drunk, he gets dizzy too. If Daddy gets dizzy and you see him rub his face against Mommy's bad place, where she was stabbed... wait until he throws up all inside her stab slit... then tell the police that Daddy gave Mommy a "New York Style Taco"!!
The Ram: This is when Daddy stabs Mommy's butt. He keeps stabbing and stabbing and stabbing... back and forth, back and forth... each time he stabs her, her rams her head against the wall... this helps Daddy stab Mommy deeper and deeper. Mommy will have a big headache and will get mad at YOU. It's your fault!!! She will SPANK YOU!!! THE POLICE CAN STOP THIS!!! CALL THEM AND SCREAM, "DADDY IS RAMMING MOMMY IN THE BUM BUM!!!! HELP ME!!" The Police will come and everything will be okay! I promise :)
Okay Gang... I have to go now. Next time, we'll play "Hide the Salami". This is where Uncle Hyatte has a very special treat in his pocket and you have to go find it. Lots of fun.
The rest of you can go drink pee...
This is Hyatte