The Midnight News 10.11.01 

Posted By Hyatte on 10.11.01

Mutiny From Within, Smackdown, ECW, Eddie, Someone Sues Ryder, John Candy, Vince Supports Terrorists, and a Born Again Christian Gets Biblical On My Ass 

Yeah, I was pretty happy with the Kid's edition too... nice to see I can still pull a sweet one out of my ass at my old, tired age. 

Two 411 staffers that I know of, and maybe more... wanted to do a parody of the Vince Russo "shoot" on Hulk Hogan from last year.. with them being Russo and me being Hogan. In essence, they are bitching at Widro to fire me. 

One of the staffers is... well, if I start on him, I may go on forever, I might also get really personal some more... make him go away for a few more months in tears. I'll let him just sit there and let the anticipation grow some more. 

The OTHER staffer is some guy named Stephen Martin, who is a "mod" on the 411 board.... that's all he does. He doesn't write anything... doesn't produce anything... he just hands out "warnings" to message board posters. Just hand out warnings like a good little Safety Monitor, and mind your own fu**ing business.... cumstain. 

It's not Josh Grut, either. Grut was invited to participate in the parody, and decided it was a pretty retarded idea. 


I'm only a small Heel tonight... too tired. So I'll use "crap" instead of "shit" 

Smackdown will be on tonight.... I'll be watching Survivor: Africa, so will you and you know it. 

Besides, I don't really care about why Stephen Regal turned against the WWF.... I might have cared, if he turned in a creative way, instead of the old "I'll pretend to be against Austin but then turn around and hit Angle" bit.... Jesus Christ... how many times are they going to use this "slowly I turn" method? No wonder the ratings are in the shi.. CRAPPER.... not to mention why I barely pay attention to the WWF anymore. 


RF Video says that the WWF have no plans to push many of the ECW wrestlers. 

Let's see... the Dudley's are huge, RVD is getting major, Spike Dudley has huge heat, Tazz is maybe the more "famous" ECW talent thanks to MTV... so other than Raven and Tommy Dreamer... who ISN'T getting a push already? 

Try this... it's not the WWF's duty to get ECW and WCW over, it's the former stars of WCW and ECW that have to get over as WWF wrestlers... just ask Buff. 


Scherer says that a supposingly clean and possibly sober Eddie Guerrero is back and ready to work. He'll be training in Ohio for a while to work out the ring rust. Let's hope the mullet survived rehab. 


Not since I posted his phone number a while back has anyone taken such delight in Bob Ryder's misery than Bob Barnett. 

Over at, Barnett claims that The wife of MECW's John Collins is threatening to sue Bob, Dave, and everyone else at 1wrestling for calling her husband a fraud. She says that's slander. I say everyone involved should be deported... preferably to outer Mongolia. That INCLUDES Barnett too, just for fun. 


It's true... and Pat Bowlingo has the proof.... 

Hey Hyatte, Tonight at the Smackdown tapings the WWF took away my sign that read: "Osama YO MAMA!!" Ridiculous eh? Bastards. Just thought you'd like to know. 



Picked this up from Scherer. The sheer geekiness of it is astounding. 

John sent this in. ... I am the owner of an adult sized WCW United States Title. I am hoping to trade this to somebody in exchange for an adult sized WCW World Heavyweight Title. If you are interested, email me at 

Jesus... and you wonder why I think 90% of you are fags. 


Remember John Candy? He was a comic/actor who was really fat. Quite funny too... at times. 

Well, he died of a massive heart attack a few years ago.... 

I just learned that when he died, rumors say they found 65 pounds of sh...crap in his intestines. 

65 pounds. 

Chew on that a'while. 


Sometimes, Uncle Hyatte gets really, really tired... and since Uncle Hyatte doesn't give a flying fudge about doing this anymore, he doesn't do many news stories anymore. Plus, there isn't that much news to report anyway. No one seems to understand this and they get mad at Uncle Hyatte for not being nice to them and making them feel like idiots. These people are homosexuals... they like to kiss other men. If you kids see them, stab them with a knife... or use that gun I told you to get in case Daddy gets mad at you. If you live in Dayton, Ohio... and if you ever see someone named "Rick Scaia"... well, he is the BIGGEST homosexual of them all... shoot or stab him as soon as you can... because he WILL touch you in a bad place.. 

Anyway, after all the news is reported, I like to talk about what OTHER los... 411 writers are talking about. This way, you, me, and EVERYONE gets to read them. 

Ben Morse talks about the things he likes about wrestling in The Mean. Give it a year, Morse won't care anymore either. 

Steven Schwenke writes a letter to Penthouse in his latest edition of 

Schadenfreude. If that doesn't raise an eyebrow... nothing I say to push it will. 


The Honky Tonk Man has a take on a couple of newsbits going around... here they are: 

On the return of Hall and Nash, titled Terrorists Attack The WWF 

That is just what will happen to the WWF if they for one minute, think of bringing Hall and Nash back to the company. There could not be more of a cancer in the lockerroom than these guys. This could be the worst Internet lie told or the biggest mistake by WWF. At this time, we cannot verify the truth of the matter. 

But: Ross, if it is you pushing for this, then Vince needs to ram your Bell's Palsy medication up your ass. When you bring Hall and Nash back into the fold, that is where your next Bell's attack will be. 

Give me a F***ing break, they are as old as Flair. Hell, put them on a nightly deal and get some young guys over on their decrepit asses. Nash said he doesn't mind putting over young talent. He did it with Rey Mesterio, so he says. Bullshit! 

Hall is sober, more Bullshit. Leave a 6 pack of Old Milwaukee or a bottle of MD 20/20 wine laying around and see where it goes. Better yet, make it a couple of "Doobie Brothers." 

The first thing I would do is piss test these job boys for everything other than preparation H. I would test them everyday or even twice a day. I would make sure they both had seats on the plane beside the shitter so the could get their daily intake of Bishoff as they traveled. I would have them work the popcorn match for 30 minutes every goddamn night with nothing but wrestling holds. Up and down, no kicking, no punching, no hair pulling, no gimmicks, nothing but asshole and elbows. Think they would stick around? Hell no, they are too damn lazy. 

I wish I was there for this one. Hot damn, I wish I was booking this one!! All I can say is Bradshaw get ready son, you got some work to do. Beat the F**k out them, they will quit the first night. 

As Ringo Starr says, "Got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, cause you know it don't come easy." Hall and Nash, they havn't paid any dues. 

And here is what he says about Chris Adams: 

Chris Adams was shot in the chest Saturday night by his x-roomate Boo Ray. Boo Ray worked for North Dallas promoter Tom Lance. Boo Ray and Adams had a drunken altercation at Boo Ray's mother's house. Boo Ray pulled the Sat. nite special and Adams did the job. Bang,Bang, you're dead. Adams and his long ago disappeared partner, David Manning, owed me $300.00 from a bad deal in the Bahamas 8 years ago. Guess I will have to go to heaven or hell to collect on that one. If the boys want to fight, you better let them. 

The man can hold his grudges... wow. 


Finally.... let's post some letters, just for the hell of it. 

Uncle Chris, what do you call when mommie has her head between daddies legs while he's sitting on the pottie making grunting noises? 


Well Johnny, she's slurping from his crazy straw. One day a girl will slurp from yours... make sure you poop in the toilet then make her drink from it afterwards. 

You're a fag. I used to have a lot of respect for you but now shit's just ridiculous. I've been reading 411 for about 3 years now and you're the biggest fool I ever read, and the really gay thing about it is that's exactly what you want people to think. I used to have a lot of respect for you, and for a long time you were the only thing i read because you column had everything in it. Now when ever I see your name I just think about how gay you've become. I'm never wastin my time a on you again. Bitch. 


I'm pretty much doing the same thing I've always done... so when exactly did he USED to respect me? 

I recognize the wrestling news has been bland of late- but c'mon the paragraph or so of stuff you put on the web today is pretty distasteful. Get you act together, your columns have not measured up to the bar that you have been setting. Get back on with the good stuff. 

What good stuff? Seriously... what f-ing good stuff? You idiots never make sense. Eat me, dickhead. Start paying me and I'll measure up to my own "bar"... the HELL does that MEAN anyway? What bar? 

You know, 411 used to be an incredible sight, but then Ashish stopped posting and your sorry excuse for a human being started wasting space with your filth. Do you even like wrestling? Yeah, you've accomplished your goal. You got a rise out of someone. But worse off, you've taken what was a great place to get information on one of my favorite indulgences. 

Maybe you are starved for attention, Maybe you have no friends, Maybe your 450 pounds and no one likes you. Maybe you just need love and forgiveness. Maybe you need Jesus. 

Before you go spouting hypocrisy about Wrestling and Christianity being on opposite ends of the spectrum.....take a look at some of the greatest Christian wrestlers out there......STING, Ted Dibiase(sp?). 

John 3:16 For God so loved, HYATTE, that he gave His only begotten son..... 

Hope you find what your looking for! 


Oh boy, another Bible humper. At least the Jews don't get so self righteous when I rag on them. These Born Again Christians are almost as scary as Bin Laden's extremities. 

Christians who constantly use God as a crutch... yeah, a CRUTCH... are just like Alcoholics, or Gamblers, or Drug Abusers... they can't handle their lives on their own... the way God WANTED... so they use the Bible and Christianity to browbeat people they perceive as non-believers or sinners into "salvation". Just like they think they were. 

Excuse me, but this is where I set off a shitstorm (slowly I turn...) and really piss some people off... 

You are bigger frauds then John Collins... and thou shall burn in the lake of hellFIRE for thy presumptions... to know what God wants... to PRESUME to know God.... what arrogance. Satan is delighted by your actions... he wants you to keep them up. In Heaven, Baby Jesus is crying. False followers... thou art making a mockery of what Jesus died for. 

Go back to the bottle... or the needle... or the OTB... because then at least you aren't fooling yourselves any longer. Self Deception is by far, the most pathetic form of the art. 

God Loves me! Not you! 

Okay... now excuse me, because all Hell is about to break loose here. 

Oh, and he's off by about 225 pounds 

This is Hyatte