I’m sorry, but that was the worst article I have ever read on 411. I thought the e-mail from the guy at the beginning of the article was going way overboard, but man do I agree with him now. I wanted to read about the PPV, but then I had to sit there and listen to you rant on about Mark Madden and his mother. And that’s when I quit reading. All must have ballz! 

Christian Pirtle 

Come on…. the WORST article on 411? Obviously, this guy has never read “Voice of Reason” or “The Lyrical Stunt”. Clearly, he wasn’t around when Chris Mack replaced Dave Gagnon as 411’s resident comedy guy. No doubt, this fellow has managed to avoid the work of Ben Morse.

Yeesh…. this site has quite the history.

And I do NOT F**KING DO RANTS!!!! A “Rant” is an abused term used by fat abused Canadians who abuse their penises for being bad, bad BAD. I am an AMERICAN… and I have a good penis.

I am Chris and this is the Mop-Up. Yes, for the second week in a row, I am pounding out a 25 page column that many of you will bitterly complain that is too long. Why? Because a good chunk of you have only the attention span of the length of a typical comic book. Your heads hurt if you go too long without a picture. Well…. MAYBE IT’S TIME TO PUT AWAY THE X-MEN AND JOIN THE ADULT WORLD…. THE REAL WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!!!!!

Or…. maybe it is too long. I’ll work on that.

Before we get going, let’s touch on a note or FIVE! 

First: There was a Mop-Up last week. Many people read it but many people didn’t. Probably because no one cares about the WWA. Hey, can’t blame you. The column was also buried and was pretty much off the front page by Tuesday. So, it’s here, if you didn’t know.

#2: Ebert liked The Scorpion King for what it was. Roeper didn’t care for the clichйs or the “by the numbers” approach to storytelling. Roeper also smugly pointed out that he didn’t know breast implants and great dental work were available in Ancient Egypt. Both agreed that the Rock is better than Arnold. Smarten up, guys. Clooney left E.R., Caruso left NYPD Blue, Travolta left Welcome Back, Kotter and Rocky is only human. He’s gone as soon as he can.

Tres: Concerning the closer from last week’s Eruption PPV, I got this letter:

Hey if you want to see the extreme part of the illuminati/nwo spectrum, check out two things: 

– An author named David Ickye 


To sum it up, they think that all the leaders of the world (especially the queen of england and george bush sr) are part of an alien reptile race who have the ability to shapeshift into human form when need be. 

My favorite part of all this is “The Most Dangerous Game.” Dick Chaney is supposedly the master of this game. Some lady named Kathy O’Brien wrote a book on it. She claims that, to play this game, the reptilians would kidnap her and drop her off in the middle of the woods. The object was to be the first to find, catch, and rape her while in reptilian form. Go Dick Chaney! 

My roomate used to be all into this stuff.

Eric Shannon

Surrre… the old “roommate” excuse…. surrrrre.

And of course…. the author of the letter dealing with this subject just HAS to possess the last name “Shannon”…. of course.

Quatro: The Osbournes are popular for one reason and one reason only. Because it’s fascinating/heartbreaking to watch Ozzy shuffle around like he was 120 years old. Man, talk about feeble. It’s so sad watching the guy go out on tour, even though he clearly just wants to sit at home and rest. I WOULD say that Ozzy makes for a good anti-drug advertisement, but you know what…. Ozzy has consumed SO much drugs and SO much booze in the past 40 years that he really should have died 100 times over by now. Ironically, the guy is living proof that one CAN use drugs in moderation and live to tell the tale. 

That said…. I still giggle like a douchebag at the show. You KNOW that MTV asked the family to tone down on the curse words and you KNOW the family said that they would. Heh.

Gee, I feel so old… I remember the days that Ozzy Osbourne was so satanic, he was evil.

Bad news, MTV, who hasn’t had a hit like this in 21 years, is now proceeding to suck on the tit of the golden goose…. look out for “Puff Diddy: The Series”…. where I PROMISE the only white woman you’ll see will be his Jewish accountant’s wife. 

Finalmente: Like I said last week… I can’t start missing him if he doesn’t leave me alone.

Not sure if you noticed… 

The Roman Catholic Church has been under fire lately for alleged acts of perversion by their clergy members, mainly years upon years of pedophilia and homosexual behavior directed from the priests to the alter boys. This has brought unwanted attention onto the church and has appeared to cause a strong backlash throughout the religious community… 

Backlash, the latest WWF PPV will take place this evening in Kansas City and hopefully everything goes well, considering that Kansas City was the site of a very disastrous PPV event – Over the Edge 99, which was only notable for the death of Owen Hart… 

Owen’s death added to a long list of tragic wrestling deaths, which was increased by one more this past weekend, when Wahoo McDaniel died after a long period of illness. While those of us old enough to remember this great ring warrior are saddened by his death, many members of the Internet Wrestling Community may be too young to remember Wahoo in his glory during the 70’s and 80’s… 

But fortunately, the Internet is available to offer archives, so it is possible to relive Wahoo’s (and other legends of the past) careers. And while the Internet was made privy to Wahoo’s death, many longtime fans of Wahoo’s are NOT Internet savvy and had to wait to read of Wahoo’s passing in their morning newspapers… 

One paper in particular, the Orlando Sentinel, had a news byline of Wahoo’s death in the Sports Page of their Saturday edition. While most of the story was about Wahoo’s football history and family, a paragraph was dedicated to his wrestling career and featured “expert” comments from the most trusted source for wrestling history and commentary… 

The owner of 1wrestling.com… 


Six Degrees of Ryder Fakin 


Ya know… I missed those.

And I’m done. This week’s closer is the return of Across the Boards. Yes, I hit the message boards last week and came away feeling more like a homo than ever before. But I managed to snag a solid 50 quotes of varying topics and tones.

The recap… the Mop-Up, as it were… will be fast, I watched the show already… and it just didn’t click for me. When that happens, this column becomes a chore. I don’t like chores…. I left this site because it felt like a chore. So…. 

ooh…. and I have a very special guest in the column this week. He’ll be on hand to help me rate the matches. I think you’ll love him!


-brought to ME by “InDemand”… because I rule… no, really, they tell me I rule all the time. I’m not sure how they know… but they do. The freaky part was once they said, “InDemand, because you rule… and Scherer sucks”. How did they know?) 

-WWF Violators Beware warning. This show ain’t free so if you didn’t order it, you’re CRIMINAL SCUM!!!!!! 


-Umm… yes, I think YOU do. Losers. All of you are losers.

-I wonder… FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER OTHER THAN SIMPLE CURIOSITY… is there a black box for digital cable? Any help?

-WWF is a One World Nation… and if retarded dickheads like Jeremy Borash continue to put on crap like the WWA as competition, this will never change.

-Opening snazzy, heart charging, cockle warming, inspirational videoclip featuring…Hogan and HHH doing voiceovers…. talking about the importance of this match…. the career crossroads of their current lives. And Hogan only mentioned his match with Andre THREE TIMES! (how come he never mentions the 990 times he whipped Paul Orndorff’s Wonderful ass?)

-We are in the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, Missouri. Where more Canadian wrestlers have plunged to their death than anywhere else (there’s a billboard boasting this right off I-70: “Welcome to Kansas City: The (dead) Hartland of America”)

-The Raw team is handling announcing duties. And for the record I think the “brand extension” is the single best thing the WWF has done since buying WCW. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I haven’t been this excited for Raw every Monday for a looong time. 

-My only hope… that they trade Angle to Raw. Kurt Angle running around Ric Flair’s show bitching about being away from Vince McMahon every week would give me a boner. I am not gay, I swear, but I know I’d get hard. There would be so much potential with Angle on Raw. So friggin’ much. 

-Ross and Lawler are there… like I said. 

-we start off with Tajiri and Torrie coming out. Torrie is dressed as a Geisha Girl. We can only wonder how long it would have took Vince Russo, were he still there, to make Torrie whip out the “Me so horny” lines…. of course, “Me so horny” originally came out of Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket from the mouth of a Chinese whore… NOT a Japanese Geisha Girl…. but I doubt Russo would care. And yes, I wasted your time with this supposition only to show off my amazing intelligence. Jesus Christ, why do you think I got INTO this gig?

-Tajiri creeps around the ring with a sick, demented smile. This is the face that built the Civic you’re driving. Remember that.

-Kidman came out… and thank GOD they kept his old WCW theme music…. I always maintained that it was one of the best ones they made.

-A Jew vs a Jap for the attention of a blonde Trophy…. smack dab in the middle of America, no less. No joke here, I just like using the words “jew” and “jap”… it’s with LOVE, people… I assure you.

-Ross pointed out that it was in that very arena, last October, that Tajiri beat Kidman for that very title. (which explains why most of the audience spent the match looking at each other and asking, “Am I having an acid flashback?”)… and wondered if lightening is going to strike twice? (I guess damn near everyone else in the building, staff included wondered that too, judging by the way they kept looking up in the rafters…. cameras ready to click. I swear I heard one guy scream, “I don’t CARE what the Internet says, check the damn program again…. are you SURE Bret isn’t on the card?”)

-The men eye each other… then LOCK UP!!!!!!!! OOOOOOO, FEEL THE ENERGY!!!!

-Tajiri gets the upper hand… and foot (ha HAAAA!!!! True wit)

-Kidman hops up to the second turn buckles and gives Tajiri a Missile Dropkick. 

-Helping to A: Sow the seeds of a future storyline development and B: Re-write history to an INFURIATINGLY INSULTING DEGREE, Ross talks about how Torrie signed a contract to be in Tajiri’s corner… how she DIDN’T actually defy all odds and actually fall in love with him, but instead joined with him in a BUSINESS PROPOSITION.

-Tajiri with a flying kneedrop onto Kidman’s big ol’ nose. What made the move noteworthy is that Tajiri shrieked like a woman when he dropped. I only heard a woman shriek like that once before…. and believe me, I’ll never mistake battery acid for Astro-glide ever again.

-Tajiri tied Kidman up in the “proverbial tree of woe” (Ross’s words, not mine, but I’m sure Kevin Sullivan didn’t mind.) and slid into his face with his feet. Nice shot. Of course, I’m guessing that a good chunk of you snot nose punks don’t even KNOW where the term “Tree of Woe” originally came from anymore.


-Tajiri wrapped Kidman up backwards against the post…. shortly afterwards, he followed this with a “Tarantula”. Meanwhile, Ross said that Torrie hasn’t “smiled in weeks”. I will show the good sense to avoid any response such as “That’s because she hasn’t had a good dose of VITAMIN HYATTE!!!” Followed by a horny, cherry-ass chortle like “BOOYAAA”

-Kidman launches an offensive. Tajiri countered with a beautiful German Suplex followed by a magnificent Bridge ending with a superfluous pin attempt which resulted in a hyperbolic recap from a pathetic column writer.

-Kidman turned a powerbomb attempt into a Facedrop/Pin attempt.

-Shooting Star Press. No joy.

-Hard kick to the head. Joy.

-Kidman went for a powerbomb. Tajiri spat red mist in Kidman’s face right as he went up. Kidman went down, Tajiri sat on his face. He got the pin, got the belt, and got his ass violated by a big nose. WHO SAYS DREAMS CAN’T COME TRUE IN THE WWF????

-Afterwards, Michael Cole grabbed Tajiri and Torrie right at ringside. Tajiri yelled some stuff in Japanese. My Japanese may be a bit rusty, but I think he told the world that he won’t stop until he sodomizes Ed McMahon so hard that he screams “HIYOOOO”. He also said, “Scott Keith blows”… which I APPLAUD.

-So how do we rate this match? Well, it was a good one. A sold cruiserweighter, by God. I give it THREE JOKES!

-What do I mean? Well, I have as a special guest, HAL JOTSKY!!! Hal is the undisputed COMEDY KING OF THE OLD SCHOOL ONE LINERS!!! Oh yes, before Lenny Bruce, before Alan King, before Henny Youngman, HAL JOTSKY RULED THE CATSKILLS with his arsenal of pithy one liners and snappy put downs. Some of the material may not be, as they say, “politically correct”, but Hal has been in the business for 80 years and by God… he ain’t gonna stop NOW…. so because the match was so good, Hal will now honor us with THREE WILD LINES from his stand-up routine. TAKE IT AWAY, HAL!!! BRING ON THE YUCKS!!!

-Thank you, thank you! Oh thank you. Boy, I’ll tell you that Jap kid is a real treat to watch, Can he jump around or what? I tell ya’, I haven’t seen a Jap move that fast since the time Kodak had a buy one roll of film get another roll free sale! YOWZAA

-And then there’s that Hebrew, Billy Kidman. He’s a good looking kid, but not that bright. After the match, Tajiri took him to dinner. At the restaurant, he said, “sushi”? Well, Billy perked right up and said, “I’m a Jew. I’ll sue anyone!” HEY!!!

-Oh, I tell ya kids today… they just aren’t that bright. I was talking to Torrie the other day and asked her “How do you like the Slope?” Well, she looked at me and said, “I don’t know, I haven’t skied in a long time” BUTIGOTTATELLYA!!!!


-Moving on, we get a APA reunion backstage. It’s heart warming…. it’s bittersweet…. no I am NOT crying!!! My eyes are simply wet from years and years of radiation from wasting my life in front of the TV.

-Anyway, Bradshaw promises Faarooq that he’s gonna kick NWO butt. He also promises Faarooq that he will never let the NWO destroy the APA Office again. Should be easy, seeing how they just spent a bit of airtime telling us that the APA IS NO MORE!!!!!

-Hall and X-Pac come out. Let me set things straight… X-Pac does NOT suck. He does NOT blow. He is actually a pretty good worker.

-X-Pac is wearing Kane’s mask. What do you call a guy who looks like a ferret with a mask? Ferret Boy wearing a mask! BA-DUM DUM.

-that…. sucked

-Bradshaw stomped out. Okay, YOU pick the proper verb.

-The NWO surrounded Bradshaw. Bradshaw moved around the ring cautiously… trying to avoid the trap. WHO WILL SAVE BRADSHAW NOW??? (bang your head against the wall 5 times…. the effect will be slightly less subtle than the foreshadowing they have just shoved in our face)

-Ahhh…. Faarooq stomped out (again, pick your own f-ing verb) to save the day. THE APA HAS RE-UNITED!!!!! HOW COME THEY CAN’T YET MARTIN AND LEWIS CAN’T???? (well, other than the fact that Martin is dead)

-They hugged. Hall pitched a fit… their best laid plans, RUINED!!!

-Hall throws his toothpick at Bradshaw, and has a good laugh. I would ask if he’s been drinking again, but that would be too redundant.

-Bradshaw slugs away. Man, I always thought hopeless drunks had a big beer belly…. Hall is friggin’ still ripped.

-Bradshaw with a big DDT. Hall rolls out and backs right into Faarooq. The punches fly. X-Pac shows up and gets some too. 

-Ross, “Bradshaw is a smashmouth sonofagun!” Really? I like “All-Star” too. Very catchy.

-X-Pac… showing a GOOD sense of humor… tries to get the crowd to clap for Hall. He was informed that he sucked.

-Hall brings on the offense. X-Pac sneaks in a stiff one that seemed to bang up his hand more than anything else.

-HEY!!! HALL BRINGS BACK THE OL’ PAINTBRUSH MOVE!!!!! I always loved when he did that.

-I still say (not that anyone was arguing with me), Hall has the BEST damn punch. SICK slapping of flesh.

-X-Pac started screaming, “COME ON SCOTT!!! YOU’RE THE BEST!!! YOU’RE THE BEST!!!” It… well, it was the opposite of “manly” and let’s leave it at that.

-Bradshaw got off the clothesline from HELL!!!!! 

-X-Pac egged Faarooq on with some crotch chops. My God… he really DOES still live in 1998.

-Bradshaw knocked X-Pac off the ring and into Faarooq’s arms. I SWEAR I heard Faarooq say, “A white boy? Fo’ me? Sheeeit, it ain’t even Christmas!” 

-Meanwhile, Hall snuck behind Bradshaw and rolled him up for the pin. I think this match was hampered more by Bradshaw’s limited ability than by Hall himself. Still, I am hoping that Hall finally convinces the WWF brass that he is worthy of some attention, because I think he still has a couple of great matches left in him.

-By the way… I will admit that I made it through the entire recap typing the word “Bradsawh” instead of “Bradsawh”… DAMMIT

-a two joke match, I’m afraid. BRING IT ON, HAL, BABY!!!!

-Thank you, thank you… boy how about that APA huh? I hear Bradsahw (F**K) is very, very smart with his money. Unfortunately, it didn’t run off his partner. Why, just the other day, I saw Faarooq on the street holding a sign that said, “WILL WORK FOR WATERMELON” HO!!!!

-WAIT… WAIT!!! NONONONO WHOOOOA Mr. Jotsky! Please… please. I can’t allow that!

-What are you talking about? The Colored people love my jokes! Why, just the other day I asked Booker T to pick the cotton out of my sinus pill bottle. We had a gay ol’ chuckle! 

-NO!!! STOP!!! STOP!!!! That was the two jokes!! Go away now!

-How do you stop five colored people from robbing you? Throw them a basketball. HOOWAA!!!

-Oh God!! I’m so sorry to the readers. I’m terribly, terribly sorry! The opinions of Mr. Jotsky do NOT reflect the opinions of 411 or Chris Hyatte. Please, let’s move on with my DEEPEST apologies.

-Vince McMahon and Ric Flair have a “scene” together that seemed to have no purpose at all… other than to get Vince some airtime. Oh, and to watch Arn Anderson overact whenever the camera turned toward him. (No wonder James Lipton is a raging drunkard… he has to live in a world where acting teachers are training people to mug ON PURPOSE!!)


-Trish Stratus came to the ring. While we weren’t looking, she has become a pretty good worker.

-Molly Holly came out… well, I suppose “came” isn’t the right word. We are supposed to believe that Molly has never “come”… yeah, okay. She used to work with Randy (busy hands) Savage and his stripper girlfriend. Odds are that this chick is about as untouched as Scaia’s buttcrack.

-Molly grabbed the mic and announced that “these people” don’t want their WWF woman’s champion to be a cheater or to flaunt their bodies around, No, they want their WWF chick champ to be “pure and wholesome” (yes, Moolah was always a huge draw in KC.)

-Molly ended up bopping Trish on the face with the mic, they fought a bit. Then Jazz came out and went right to work.

-Jazz tossed Trish around a bit. Trish fought back. No one screwed up a move too awkwardly.

-Trish with a pair of nice roundhouse kicks that gave the truly horny a brief glimpse of some serious camel toe.

-Trish with an upside down Scissors takedown. I am not proud of using the word “down” twice in such rapid succession.

-Jazz with a great powerbomb. Trish kicked out of the pin attempt.

-Jazz started choking Trish on the bottom rope. The funny part was watching Trish continue to sell the choke a full two seconds after Jazz let go. “ARRGH!! GAAAA!! ARR..oh, right!”

-Jazz turned a Trish Bulldog into a big Sidewalk Slammish move. Anyone ever own a Trish Bulldog? Great breed. Very obedient.

-Jazz slapped on the deadly STF. Trish fought for a few, then tapped clean. Jazz keeps the belt.

-After the match, Mark Lloyd (the new guy… thus the Net has instantly labeled him a goob… because we are ALL very, very jealous and YOU KNOW IT!!!!) tried to talk to Jazz. Jazz just breathed heavily and stared at whitey like he was from another planet. Sounds like my last 6 dates BOOYAAAAA!!!!!

-How about… umm… two jokes. It wasn’t much of a match, but you got to like how Trish has come along. Both gals, as well as Molly, are serious about the craft.

-Okay… two jokes. Hall, can you behave just a little?

-Absolutely, my good boy! Wow, that Trish is quite a gal! Look at that chest! If flotation devices like that were on the Titanic, then Leo DiCaprio wouldn’t have a career! WOWZA!!!!! 

-okay… wasn’t very funny… but harmless enough. One more.

-Not funny? Okay then. Boy, that Jazz is a mean gal huh? Last time I saw her smile was when her Daddy came home after robbing a KFC! HEYOOOO!!


-Oh relax sonny, the colored folk know a good joke. Except for the time I played a gig in Harlem. I said, “take my wife, please”. So they broke into my house and took her! Haven’t seen her since!!

-JESUS CHRIST!!! STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!!!!! Cover your eyes, readers!!! Go check out Keith’s report!! I’m sure it’s filled with bad reviews and advice as to how the WWF could fix things if they would hire him. 

-Video clip recalls how Paul Heyman creeped out Lita. I was creeped out by the bad acting. Heyman apparently learned how to emote from watching hours and hours of Stefano from Days of Our Lives.

-Backstage, Heyman tells Brock Lesnar that he’ll never have such a high profile squash match than right now, so he better damn well make the most of it.

-Am I crazy or when they show Lesnar’s face up close, he looks like he is getting his very first blowjob?

-Jeff Hardy and Lita come out. It’s well known that Lita banged up her neck something fierce while shooting a big part in the show Dark Angel. Of course, she wasn’t allowed to wear a neck brace. Ironically, Ross wished MATT Hardy a speedy recovery for HIS FAKE neck injury. See, Matt gets to relax at home but Lita HAD BETTER DAMN WELL WORK UNTIL THAT HEAD FALLS OFF THAT BODY!!!!! NO FREE RIDES FOR YOU, MISSY!!!! 

-and out comes Brock. Even a Canadian could see that this was the typical lamb to the slaughter deal.

-Ross calls Heyman a “pancake size fever blister on the lips of life”. Man…. that… that rocked.

-Hardy goes for it. A flurry of punches. It lasted about as long as it took for me to write “flurry”.

-Big high cross body by Hardy.

-Then the demonstration began. HUGE belly to belly suplex.

-MONSTER backbreaker…. THREE of them.

-Meanwhile, Lita kept discreetly holding her neck. Poor thing could barely move.

-It was reported that Brock Lesnar fired his agent, Barry Bloom, mostly because the WWF doesn’t like it when they have to negotiate with someone who actually has a brain and can see how bad they are getting screwed. I only report this because I am betting that at least one person out there just read this and asked, “Why did this guy have two agents?”

-Jeff hit a big Plancha. Brock went down. 

-Jeff with a jaw breaker…. followed by a leg drop on the nuts.

-Top rope. Swanton Bomb! Pin attempt!! Kick out.

-Hardy has a chair. Lesnar tackles him and heaves him up. Big Pancake Drop on the chair.

-Heyman screamed “DON’T PIN HIM!!! HURT HIM!!” So Lesnar powerbombed Hardy three times until Teddy Long killed the match. And so, Brock Lesnar meets the world.

-Well, it was a squash. And we didn’t get to see Lesnar do that Shooting Star Press that I keep hearing about. But unlike sayyy, Goldberg… we got to see Lesnar sell a little from Hardy. It wasn’t a 100% squash, just a 90% squash… which is THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

-Again. It wasn’t a match. It was a demo. One Joke. Hal, be nice.

-One joke… okay there. What’s with these kids nowadays? Like that Jeff Hardy, with his purple hair all done up nice and fruity in pigtails. If I met him in a bar I wouldn’t know whether to pull up a stool or turn the stool OVER!! HEYHEYHEY

-Okay… okay…. good. Thank you, Mr. Jotsky.

-I hear Jeff Hardy’s ass is like a doorknob! Everyone gets a turn!



-We are told as to where Raw will be for the next few weeks. The only commonality here is that I won’t be at any of them. 

-“Forceable Entry” is more than just a fun way of describing date rape. It’s also a hot WWF CD!!!!

-We are reminded of the current drama between Kurt Angle and Edge.

-Angle is out.

-Edge is out.

-Poop is out… well, gotta throw out these pair of Calvins… CHRIST

-Edge starts with many punches.

-Lawler proves that he has absolutely no clue by making a joke about Edge’s “nappy” hair.

-Angle bangs out a couple of big German Suplexes, then celebrates with a solid “WOO”

-BIG, LONG, TIME EATING REAR CHINLOCK FROM ANGLE. This company is taking the nostalgia trip a bit too far. No one missed these rest holds.

-Edge reverses an Angle Suplex and makes it an EDGE SUPLEX. Or “SUPLEDGE”!!!

-Edge climbs to the top rope. Angle catches him and hit a big Superbellytobellyplex. 

-Rapid Fire Dragon Suplexes by the Republican.

-The Democrat answers with one of his own! (come on… the symbolism is so OBVIOUS)

-Edge hits a top rope cross bodyblock ON THE OUTSIDE.

-After some jostling, Angle hits the Olympic Slam.

-It’s the ANKLE LOCK!! Which really should be called the “Angle Lock”… shouldn’t it?

-Edge rolled Angle forwards and almost hit a Sunset Pin.

-Angle grabs a chair. The camera is in his face, so we can all see him shout “F*ck Off” to whoever was sitting in the chair. You simply NEVER saw Olympic Champion Diver Greg Louganous use that type of language… no, he was a TRUE Role Model/Butt Pirate 

-Angle used that chair to hit Edge. Edge ducked. The chair hit the ropes and bounced back into Kurt’s face. Edge went for the pin. Kurt kicked.

-Edge waited for Angle to get up so he could spear him. Edge charged. Kurt PUNTED him right in the face (OWWCH). Another Olympic Slam and Kurt wins! Good match!!!

-Kurt leaves the ring and starts yelling, “I don’t suck!!! I just won!! WOOO” 

-Lots of near pins. Lots of action. I WOULD give this 5 jokes but unfortunately, Hal Jotsky had a nip of my bourbon and is a bit tipsy. So He’ll sit the next few matches out.

-HOLD ONN SONNY BOY. Whattaya get when you mix a Colored with a Homo? Why, you get the BIGGEST LYNCH MOB YOU CAN! HOOOOOOO!!


-Did I ever tell you about the time me and Art Carney F**ked Imogene Coca with a pool cue?? Boy, Sid Caesar didn’t get any pu**y for weeks afterwards.


-Tazz was at WWF New York and I’m sure he was delighted.

-Bun’cha folks told us who would win the title match. Surprising, quite a bit of foreigners.

-Y2J came out and cut a promo about how he was DEFINITELY going home since he was NOT on the card tonight. So REST ASSURED, he was NOT going to hang around. Oh no, he was GOING HOME. Gone! Bye bye. Don’t look for him. ESPECIALLY during the main event. He’s GONE. Gonzo. Hasta la vista, baby. Adios. No, really… he’s gone. Left early. You’ll never see HIS face for the rest of the night. In fact, we have a better chance at seeing the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ show up than we do Y2J!!!

-happy now?

-I liked the promo. You can never go wrong when you give Jericho a mic and more than two minutes of airtime.

-Undertaker comes in and cuts a silent promo on Ric Flair and Arn Anderson. Yes, he just stared at them.

-Wanna sum up the current Undertaker character in two words? Easy… “Clint Eastwood”.

-Eddie Guerrero came out. As far as I know, he’s the first and only man to ever base his haircut on a joke from The Simpsons.

-Need help with that one? Okay, here’s a hint… “I said trim those sideburns!!”

-RVD comes out. I am much too lazy to use his full name… so RVD it is.

-Lawler tried to defend Eddie’s reasoning by asking JR who was the first person in the WWF to use the Frogsplash. Jimbo threw a huge curveball by answering, “Well… D-Lo Brown!!” I chuckled

-Eddie allowed RVD to jab his fingers toward his shoulders one last time before commencing the match.

-Eddie went to work… kicking the hell out of the rat HIPPIE BASTARD!!!

-The guy with the Mullet against the Hippie. And the winner is… THE FANS!!!!!

-Eddie went for a massive Superplex, but wasted too much screaming something Spanish to the crowd. (I heard it was, “HEY!! I’M ONLY HALF MEXICAN!!! PUT THE GUNS AWAY!!!”). RVD was able to push Eddie off. Eddie flew into the top rope throat first while RVD dove right down to ringside.

-RVD with a Moonsault from the ring to the ground.

-RVD with the Guard Rail Guillotine.

-Lawler commented that “Latino Heat” could use a new “Mamacita”. Proving that the WWF sometimes forgives, but rarely forgets, Ross mumbled, “Yeah, and next time, let’s give him one withOUT a penis”. Oh that cold, heartless bastard.

-Didn’t Chyna bank her WWF-Free career on snagging a big part in Terminator 3? Did she get it? Or did it conflict with her appearances at various Monster Truck Shows? 

-RVD with the Rolling Thunder. Eddie got the knees up.

-Eddie with the Tilt-A-Whirl Backbreaker.

-Eddie with a Modified Surfboard. Then he turned it into a Pretzel Chinlock. Niiiiice.

-WHO SAYS RVD DOESN’T SELL???? I mean… look at the way he grits his teeth and shakes his fist after every bump!!! YOU SELL THAT MOVE RVD!!! JUST SELL THAT MOVE!!!

-Eddie with a Crucifix-type move.

-Ross proved that he does his homework by reminding us that RVD was only the fifth man to win the IC belt at Wrestlemania. He knocked off the names Bret Hart, Rick Rude, Chris Benoit and Rick Steamboat. WAIT!!! I just flipped through my copy of The Buzz on Professional Wrestling and IT says that Sting, Rick Steiner, Carlos Colon, and Alice Cooper have ALWSO won the IC belts at WM!!!!!! SO WHO IS TELLING THE TRUTH AND WHO IS A DUMB ASS LYING CLUELESS F**KNUT???

-Oh, and I STOLE the book… ONLY so I could have a good laugh… shoved it right under my jacket and walked out, thank you very much.

-JR announced that RVD was fresh out of energy…. well, other than the last ebbs he used to GRIT THOSE TEETH AND SHAKE THAT FIST!!!! SELL THAT MOVE RVD!!! SELL IT LIKE THE PRO YOU ARE!!!

-Eddie went for the Frogsplash. RVD caught him.

-Hard… and I mean F-Ing HARD powerbomb by Eddie. RVD barely kicked out.

-Eddie tried to use the belt. RVD stopped him and knocked the ref down in the process. Eddie with a nasty neckbreaker… then hit the Frogsplash. He got the pin. Eddie won the belt!!!

-Jeeze… seems like it was all Eddie there. The moral of the story: Kids, do drugs and drink plenty of booze… and you TOO can be brought into the WWF and given a belt right off the bat!

-It was a bit plodding, but a strong effort with lots of good bumps. How about FOUR JOKES!!! Let’s see if Hall is in any condition to…



-Why don’t sharks eat colored people? Because they mistake them for WHALE CRAP! HUZZA!!!!!


-Wait… did I ever tell about the time me and Jackie Gleason stripped Paul Lynn naked, poured melted butter on his asshole, and through him into a room filled with Colored people? Three weeks later, he was found walking down Melrose muttering, “My name is Kareem Mowheat” My name is Kareen Mowheat!” 

-That’s ENOUGH!!!! THAT IS ENOUGH DAMMIT!! Ladies and Gentlemen. I am stopping this. Hal Jotsky clearly has had too much to drink and not enough sensitivity lessons. He is through with this column and I will NOT accept this ignorance!! I am truly sorry for this. 


-THAT’S IT!!! 


-okay… Mr. Jotsky is gone. Again, my deepest apologies. Let’s finish this recap.

-Trailer for the Scorpion King. Thank GOD it was a hit… because no one needs the Rock to show up on WWF TV screaming, “Hey Jabronies!! You better go see my movie, or I’ll come to your house and BODYSLAM YOUUUUUU!” (a marketing ploy which did absolutely no good for No Hold’s Barred)

-Ross thanked each and every one of us for making the film a huge hit…. yes, thanks to us, the Rock is now SO out of here once he is contractually able (and I bet there are a couple of Lawyers who would LOVE to examine Rock’s WWF contract with a magnifying glass.)

-It’s like this… you can work the road 200 days a year and have smorgasbord of chubby ring rats with crabs… or you can have a foursome with Neve, Jennifer Love, and Laura Flynn any damn night you want. Where you going?

-It’s Austin! It’s the Dead Man! It’s the Nature Boy! It’s a VIDEO!!

-A bit early for this match… I guess they think it’s gonna be a barn stormer… a head banger!!! A heart stopper!!! Then give up the tag match so the audience can rest up for the main eventer.

-Out comes Flair. he didn’t say anything tonight, but if he gets micwork on Raw tomorrow… I PROMISE you, he will say something about tearing up St. Louis with Bruiser Brody and Harley Race…. and maybe a Brisco or two. (and if he’s REALLY on fire, he’ll tip his hat towards the late, great Wahoo McDaniel)

-Out rides “Take”

-Out comes Stone Cold

-Out goes pureso

-Bell rings. Off we go.

-They go nose to nose. Austin starts yacking. UT stays quiet. Now I KNOW someone in the company, and I’m sure it was Heyman, who said, “Make him a Heel Clint Eastwood!” It’s so perfect! I am so proud of myself.

-Right about now, people are getting pissed enough to write me an email and bitching at me for such a long column. I am so skilled at this that I know exactly when I’ve gone on too long.

-They lock up… exchange tackles. UT stays standing and even bounces around a little cocky-like. Austin responds by coolly going to the corner… checking his imaginary watch, then doing a couple of push-ups. Made no sense, but fun as hell.

-BIG right hand by Austin. UT goes down. Austin is clearly pleased. He drops to his knees, walks over to UT and gives him the finger. So far… I’m enjoying it. Classic match psychology.

-Austin wants to lock hands. UT reaches over… fingertips almost touching… OOPS, Middle finger. Crowd goes nuts. 

-Austin with the armdrags… goes to work on the upper arm!! I didn’t know there was a demand for the return of the Ringmaster… BUT SCREW IT!!! BRING ‘IM BACK!!!!

-UT goes to work. Let’s see who keeps their rag on longer, UT or Hogan. You keep time… I’m far too busy.

-UT works on Austin’s arm. The crowd keeps themselves amused by performing various shadow puppet shows. (on paper… unfunny… but try to imagine these two working while the audience are making shadow eagles and I swear, you’ll be in hysterics)

-Austin with the Lou Thesz Presz. Followed with a big clothesline over the top rope. 

-Someone screams, “YOU SUCK, UNDERTAKER!” UT tells him to go fornicate himself. Crowd reacts. Most heat of the match.

-The tussle outside. UT FINALLY gets the upperhand while the lowerhand continues to fondle his balls. (I’ve ALWAYS wanted to say that)

-Austin fights back. UT is over the rail and into the seats. White people applaud and laugh along with their children as they witness this unspeakable violence first hand. HAVE WE BECOME SO JADED?????

-Austin goes for a piledriver. UT backflips him over. Many people in the front row express TOTAL SHOCK. Guys… it’s only a damn show.

-Hall and X-Pac come out. They choose to watch. Crowd gets excited and in unison, explains to X-Pac that he sucks. Which is why I think they were sent out there… to get the crowd going.

-You think… if X-Pac and Kurt Angle ever had a match, everyone’s head would collectively explode?

-So far, Flair’s biggest role has been telling Taker to take this nonsense back into the ring.

-UT with a big Guillotine Legdrop

-UT goes to work on Austin’s leg… and the audience’s patience. (Heh… I liked that line… haw)

-Austin fights back. It doesn’t last. The crowd comes dangerously close to chanting “BORING”

-Several pin attempts. Many chinlocks. Quite a few suplexes.

-Austin goes for the Stunner. UT shoves him away.

-Austin starts to punch. Crowd gets the “WHAT”s going. Net jackoffs are busy whining about the abuse of “What”. See, their problem is that since they don’t leave their homes (no doubt, due to being unable to squeeze out of the door and Jerry Springer isn’t showing up with a crane), so they don’t go to the shows and cannot understand that “What” is a lot of fun for the audience. It gets them involved. They have fun and Austin has fun with them. It’s all about making the House happy. DEAL WITH IT!!! MAY “WHAT” LAST FOREVER!!!!!

-UT goes for the Tombstone…. nope.

-Flair goes down. Flair is wearing ruby red shoes. From what I hear, he was seen earlier clicking the heels of those damn things relentlessly and chanting, “There’s no place like WCW in 1989, There’s no place like WCW in 1989” Poor shlub.

-Flair, UT and Austin all go down.

-Austin goes for the pin after the Stunner. He tries to wake up Flair. Flair looks at him blankly. I swear, I read Flair’s lips… I SWEAR, He looked at Austin and said, “Geiger? Bob Geiger? Holy shit! The slippers WORKED!!” I SWEAR, that joke was much funnier in my head.

-UT attacked Austin while his back was turned. He also hit a big chokeslam. Austin kicked.

-UT grabbed a chair. Flair didn’t let him use it. Austin got in a low blow.

-Austin went for another Stunner. UT shoved him into Flair. UT used the chair RIGHT on the upturned hands. (really, can you blame him?)

-Stone Cold kicked out again!

-Austin on the offensive. He grabs the chair. Flair fights. UT kicks the chair right into Austin’s much. UT goes for the pin. Austin’s foot was on the ropes. Flair counts to three anyway. UT wins. The NWO walk off. (I tell ya’, they were there only to get the crowd going). Austin was screwed.

-Yeesh. You know, I hate agreeing with dickbags like YOU…. but this match isn’t going to win UT any points. It just didn’t work. There was something wrong. It… it was not good. It stunk. They just went through the motions.

-Hell, Austin’s Wrestlemania match with Hall was better, but I always rather liked that match anyway.

-After the match. Austin clocked UT and proceeded to drink. We were spared the festivities in exchange for….

-The Coach pulled Flair aside and showed him a video replay of Austin’s foot on the rope. Flair’s could say only one thing, “aw shit.” Which was funny. I laughed. 

-various commercials.

-Chuck and Billy came out. Apparently, they are now managed by WOLVERINE!!!! THE X-MEN AND THE WWF ARE JOINING UP TO GET BUSINESS GOING!!!!

-Well, look at those sideburns. 

-Maven and Al Snow come out.

-Long story short…. the most notable part was when Maven showed off his ANGER by jacking himself at Chuck and screaming “COME ONNNN!!! COME ONNNN!!” 10 seconds later, he was pinned. 

-Oh, and JR said that C&B were pissed that they were missing Queer As Folk. Of course they were. Man, that Brian is a DREEEEEAM.

-no, seriously, he is very, very hot.

-Hogan vs HHH: The VIDEO!

-Jimi is on. Hogan is out in ruffles. Nope. That red & black just loses all points he had with me. Nothing says “outdated” like bright, primary colors.

-HHH is out. Suddenly, it’s Jimi Hendrix vs Motorhead. And there isn’t a soul alive who would pick Lemmy on this one. Jeff Hardy had a better chance against Brock.

-They stare down each other. Now I’m pretty sure that HHH is going to try to top the Rock’s handling of this match.

-The doo-rag’s gonna stay on. It’s the only way Hogan will look like a stud. Just like I said last time, when the rag comes off, he ages 25 years.

-Hogan points his finger at HHH, then jabs it into his chest. HHH just looks at him. Hogan loudly grumbles, “Damn, doesn’t ANYONE read my notes??” (I’ll rip myself off a BILLION TIMES if I want!!!! F-You!)

-They lock up. HHH shoves Hogan away. 

-take the above sentence and place here. Add the word “again” to the end.

-Repeat the top…. except switch “HHH” and “Hogan” and add, then Hogan posed and roared defiantly at Father Time. IT’S THE 80’S AGAIN AND MY ONLY RESPONSIBILITY IN LIFE IS TO NOT BITE DOWN ON DADDY’S PECKER!!!!!

-HHH want the Test O’ Strength. Hogan obliges. They go at it. Hogan goes down to his knees. I will say RIGHT NOW… if either one pulls a move where he lays the fingers against the mat and then stomps them with his feet… I will END THE RECAP RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH OLD SCHOOL I WILL TAKE!!!

-Fortunately, neither man tries it. HHH DOES pout Hogan in the overhead wristlock… which is the only move EVER designed specifically so the guy on the receiving end can rear back with all his might and throw the guy giving the move across the ring.

-of course, Hogan turns the wristlock into a headlock. Totally pissing on my brilliant observation. Thanks a heap, Terry.

-HHH backs Hogan in the corner and slaps him across the face.

-Off came the doo-rag….suddenly, HHH is fighting Anthony Quinn.

-HHH beats Hogan down in the corner

-Hogan fights back.

-Hogan corners HHH and mounts the top rope. He punches him ten times. The audience counts along. If you are looking for a reason why I would report this, I’m afraid I have no answer.

-Things go outside. Hogan takes firm control, including a suplex.

-Back in the ring, HHH takes the lead. He goes for the Pedigree, but Hogan countered.

-Is it me, or does HHHH seem more “methodical” since his return. And, of course, when I say “methodical”, I mean slower than an orgy of fat people

-HHH goes to work on Hogan’s knee. Thus began HHH’s slow, deliberate, METHODICAL assault on Hogan’s knee. Ross quickly assured us that while the audience was BOOING HHH, he was really doing NOTHING ILLEGAL (well, except for steroids) and was still the BELOVED FACE WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE!!!

-Sooo, he works on the knee for a bit, which is the WWF’s way of keeping a match with Hogan going longer than his usual 20 minutes.

-at one point… Ross declared that Hogan was “in his late forties”… HE’S 53!!!!!! 5 F-ING 3!!!

-and to think, it wasn’t too long ago when JR was LAUGHING at the old coot.

-HHH with the Figure Four and he uses the ropes for leverage. Ross was at a loss for words, but still SWORE ON A STACK OF BIBLES THAT HHH WAS A FACE

-HHH with a Sleeper Hold. The Ref lifted the arm three times. HHH screamed, “Not my arm, you idiot!! Lift HIS!!!” The Ref did. On the third lift, oh, you know what happened.

-Hogan fought back. Punches. Boot. THE LEGDROP!!! I AM A REAL…


-Jericho knocked out the Ref and chaired Hogan. Hogan went down. Y2J yanked the Ref in there and tried to wake him up. HHH wasn’t having any of this and aced Jericho out. Ross spit all over himself putting HHH over as a Face.

-HHH went back on Hogan. Hogan started to Hulk Up. (In this context, it’s fun. But when he charges the Smackdown ring and starts doing it the second he hits the ring and Jericho and Angle doubleteam him, it’s kind’a lame)

-Hogan with another boot. Another legdrop. HHH sits up. Hogan misses.

-Pedigree. Pin. Out comes the Undertaker to stop the count. (he ain’t stupid… it’s either lose the title match because his opponent is fu**ing the Boss’s daughter or maybe win the title because everyone is waiting for the audience to get bored with the Old Guy again) He chairs HHH. He rolls Hogan on top of him. Hogan fights back. Hogan knocks the UT out of the ring. (it’s amazing to see just which wrestler UT really sells for)


-Hogan WINS!!!! HOGAN WINS!!!!! HOGAN WINS!!!!

-Hogan… wins? Again?

-HHH is bloody. He grabs Hogan’s attention and stares at him. His face trembles in that HHH way. He sticks out the hand. Hogan takes it. Thumbs up. HHH is off to Smackdown. Hogan is off to Raw. We are off to bed.

-This doesn’t bother me. I’m sure many of you morons will be pissed. I’m sure Scott Keith will be so upset that his boyfriend will have a hell of a time getting his pecker through that uptight ass. But you see…. this is only the retirement tour. One last go round for the Hulkster. One last trip. Do yourselves a favor… do NOT listen to bitter “columnists” who wish they were more respected in the business. Just do what yer old pal Hyatte is doing… just sit back and enjoy the last ride. ‘Cause it ain’t gonna last.

-either that, or Hogan has brilliantly maneuvered himself right to another title run… just like he did countless times in WCW and just like he did right here last decade. If so, the man is a sheer genius.

-Plus, they are keeping Jericho in the main event picture, even though word was no one thought he scored as Champ (I personally think the line of bull about how they HAD to put Stephanie into the picture because Jericho was a lousy champ was just that… a line of bull. Furthermore, I think the REAL truth was that they made up that line of bull just to cover for the fact that Stephanie was a lousy addition to the title picture. Finally, I think that this line of bull was devised, created, and leaked to the “press” by none other than Stephanie herself)

-On the downside. The whole show was not good. Probably the worst PPV they’ve had in a while. Just, nothing really clicked. Austin and the Undertaker was pretty much a nightmare. 

-On the upside… I think this recap was one of my smoothest. Well, after that unfortunate business with Hal Jotsky. Again, I apologize for him. 

This is the closer

During the brief run of the “Midnight News” (which was a pretty good motherf-ing gosh darn column, if you check the archives) one of the more popular features was the weekly look at what the message boards were saying. Honestly, the physical work of scouring these friggin’ boards was a giant pain in the ass. It’s tough to find interesting stuff when everyone is a moron.

Still, people liked it. So I spent the week running through the boards yet again and found a good 50 quotes that weren’t half bad. Hell, it was a lot easier than usual. I went to four boards: this one right here at 411 (loser central), CRZ’s wienerboard (better than I remember), the A1 board (a bit too serious and boring) and the Lords of Pain board (the most interesting topics turn up here). I stayed away from the two most popular forums, DVD and TOA, because the DVD “Playboys” (nigga PULEAZE) are so into their little geekoid universe that I have no clue what they are talking about and the TOA board, I’m convinced, are just the same ten people (including CRZ, who appears to spend more time there than at his own forum) making roughly 2’000 posts a day. So I didn’t go there. 

And of course, I bookended the closer with quotes concerning my favorite topic… moi 


“Hyatte coming back is about like Kriss Kross coming back to do Jump 2002.” 

“It would be great if Ross and company sold Brock’s nuts as his achilles heel. Superman had his kryptonite, Samson had Delilah, and Brock fears the nutshot. Even better would be a program with Ric Flair. Imagine the sheer beauty of a 20-minute match with Flair directing his offense at Brock’s groin area.” 

“All three hardy boys suck. It’s true it’s damn true!!!”

“If you people knew so much about wrestling, then why arent you involved in some capacity instead of sitting in front of your computer with your chips and fruit punch” 

“I am. I’ve got a show next week in Georgia”. 

“Kane with Rocky and Hogan. ‘It doesn’t matter if you’re ready!!!’ I swear I’m going to say that at work some day.”

“I don’t see why people are making a big deal out of this… RAW still had good ratings. So the Osbournes have a higher rating, everyone and their mama is watching that show now because it’s got huge hype.” 

“Looks like you two ass clowns wish you were Hardy Boys also. Did I affend you by insulting a puro tag team? The only thing pure about them is they purely suck. But you Hardy fans are the best at that, just dont choke. Chew it thouroghly and don’t swallow pre-mature.”

“So your the one from Northern Kentucky with the virgin bum? Joking…joking..In advance I’d like to apologize to the citizens of Kentucky & the Kentucky Tourism Board.”

“Lesnar and…A NINJA?Its the perfect combo they are both totally mammals and they both go apeshit and destroy small towns becuase someone dropped a spoon.” 

“Xpac… I don’t mean to sound gay but I don’t think he has a dick. I mean when u used to do the bronco buster they would zoom on his crotch and I noticed to my dispise that he has almost no package.” 

“Turns out old Shawn is a maniac from the planet Stasiak, and is apparently on crack…”

“I’ve dreamed of it for years: Scott Hall and Justin Hawk, giving each other fall away slams until JR’s palsysized shank rose from the depths of despair, and flopped out onto the announcer’s table. This match should last 30 minutes, and the person who gives the most fall away slams is the winner.”

“Woah woah woah, what about the Transformers thread, we have to spread the legend of the Transformers onto the youth of today. Your not a Transformers hater are you? Are you more or less than meets the eye?” 

“The big problem was that he was tyring to stay face or at very least not seem like a heel towards Hogan. HHH works best when he’s pissed off and he was trying to make sure he didn’t heel himself (most likely b/c he’s gonna turn heel before long). He went out and gave the type of promos Rock was giving putting over Hogan and it just didn’t come across well.”

“Thats like asking me which I like better: Tits or ass, ITS NOT FAIR!”

“in other TV related news….ally mcbeal got cancelled…..BWAHAHAHAHA….i’m sure vince is relieved. To make this wrestling related…..Xpac sucks.”

“So long as HHH is there, nobody will get a fair shot in the WWF. I hope Hogan outmenuvres him politicaly, and squashes his ass at Backlash. I hate HHH and I always have and will, no matter what. The guy wouldn’t know what a ‘job’ is if it shot him in the head.”

“Could you imagine how much hotter the feud would have been if Y2J was allowed to cut ONE promo on HHH in the same vein as last week’s one on Hogan?” 

“im sorry Who headlined WM18? You sure it was Jericho.. I thought it was Steph and HHH”

“Go back to listening to the Smiths, you poof you” 

“Well, Mr. Zimmerman. Who the hell do you think you are? I heard about you banning cobrawolf and tigershark because you thought they were the same person. Well, I’ve got news for you: I’ve learned that tigershark is the name that cobrawolf’s wife used to log in. How dare you! And another thing: I posted something earlier about who’s the better African wrestler: Kamala or Abdullah? Then, you remove my footnote from every one of my posts. If you think that I’m joking around, think again, little man! You are the biggest racist in this forum, and I will not stand for it. I shall take my business elsewhere, and you and every single one of your buddies on this group can kiss my African ass!!!!!”

“Hi Mr. Keith. Glad you could take time out of your busy schedule helping to “run” TheSmarks.com and writing this alleged screenplay of yours to come up with a bad gimmick and post on here. How’s your big ol’ gut these days?”

“Eventually, according to Linda McMahon from the last investor’s conference call, the crews will have totally separate PPVs (there are 16 total PPVs earmarked for this year, so perhaps September will mark the first double-show month).”

“But thank you 1Bob, my life can go on now that I know that Excess could undergo a ‘radical change.'”

“But just for the record, since entering the WWF, Chris Jericho has been… 1. Hardcore Champ 2. Euro Champ 3. IC Champ 4. Tag Champ 5. WCW Champ 6. First ever undisputed world champion. He has beaten Kane, Rock, Austin, Benoit, Guerrero, etc..etc…etc. I wouldn’t be too frustrated if I were him.”

“WOW! You made it all the way through SmackDown!???! I thought I showed willpower by quitting smoking last weekend, but you have gone above and beyond the call of duty.” 

“If D-Von can make the tele-evangelist gimmick work and Bubba continues with his strong work then a lot of us are going to be eating a helping of crow for wondering what the WWF was doing when they split the Dudley Boys up.The day they meet in the ring…. What a pop. Could I make that first sentenance any longer?”

“I think the best moment was in the late NWA/ early WCW days when the Four Horsemen (Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, STING, and Tully Blanchard(?)) were on stage being interviewed. Flair was talking about what it meant to be a Horseman. He passed the mic to Double A, who at least twice commented that ‘the Horsemen never claimed to wear white hats.’ The whole time Sting is nodding and flashing the Horseman sign (four fingers). Sting gets the mic talks about what it means to be the elite of wrestling and gives a Stinger Howl. Blanchard gets on the stick makes a few comments, and hands it back to Flair. Flair makes a short closing comment about Sting not being Horseman material and he, Anderson, and Blanchard beat the holy hell out of Sting and leave him crumpled on the floor. The segement ended with the commentators wondering ‘what the hell just happened.'”

“The Triple H over-push is beyond ridiculous. If he’s not behind it, Vince must truly see something in Hunter that the paying fans don’t. The guy isn’t really that over, and isn’t any kind of draw, yet is consistently put over everyone else in the promotion.”

“I’m fairly certain that Rico Constantino was a contestant on American Gladiators back in the mid-90s. Now THAT was a show that kicked ass back in its day.”

“The thing is that each of the women fill a certain archetype. Molly is the damn cute girl who you think if you just were a bit cooler or more relaxed or whatever that you could get her. Stacy is the incredibly hot girl who wins prom queen and only goes out with the star QB. Trish is the gorgeous but kinda slutty girl who goes out with a 45 yr old investment banker when she’s only 22. Torrie is the 4 sport girl who goes to the gym and embarasses you and goes out with guys who like to shop at GNC. Terri is the once kinda hot woman who hangs out at the local bar who you’d still sleep with, but you wouldn’t much like yourself for it in the morning. Lita is the punk chick who hangs out with weird guys with lots of tattoos and piercings. Ivory is the hot older woman who you’d love to sleep with, but you know better than to ask her. So lots of us dig Molly because she seems to be so close yet so far away in our worlds…I think anyways.”

“Well the WWF is sponsoring Ozzfest this summer. There supposed to have alot of the acts on WWF programing. Ozzy said he would love to perform Iron Man on Raw. But that would be the greatest marketing move ever. Ric Flair makes Ozzy Osbourne guest WWF commisioner for a show. That promo alone would probably pull a 20 share.”

“Please, for the love of God, kill this thread now. Before everyone goes hysterical over rumors and innuendos and shadowy non-stories about possible WWF lockeroom turmoil which will no doubt lead up to Scott Keith bragging about being the one guy who pointed out that HHH’s abuse of power led to the creation of the WWF Glass Ceiling which is why Benoit will never, ever be Undisputed champ. Please, let’s not do this.”

“What? Did everyone get tired of bashing Undertaker, Austin, Boss Man, Hogan, Hall, Nash, Test, Stephanie, HHH, Rock, RVD, Hardyz, Booker T, Albert, Rikishi, Y2J, Edge, DDP, Vince, Billy & Chucky, Big Show, Brock Lesnar, X-Pac, etc… that now you have to look to Hardcore Holly?” 

“It’s kind of hard to buy into Rico being a ‘pretty boy’ OR gay when he’s wearing John Sebastian’s old Woodstock sideburns. There’s no ‘stylist’ on god’s green earth who would look like that.”

“Apparently, (Tammy Sytch will) be starring in her own porno courtesy of WrestlingVixxxens.com. I think we can safely say that Good Ol JR won’t be returning any of her phone calls any time soon.”

“I think they should have returned as “Scotty 2Tall Hall & Grandmasta Big Sexy” can you imagine them dancing with rikishi?” 

“Was I the only one cheering during Jericho’s promo on Smackdown? I was a little surprise the WWF let him point on the huge flaws with Hogan’s shot at the title ie he is a has been, he hasn’t beaten anyone and HHH shouldn’t even be wrestling him. I know Jericho has probably been saving that promo since he left WCW”

“Well maybe if it was live then Vince could get away with it. He could say something about how he didn’t know that Trish was going to suddenly eat Stacy out live on national television. Or he could say that Trish slipped and her face just sort of fell there for a very long time.” 

Click Here for part 2

wrestling / TV Reports 

Mop-Up: Backlash (II)

April 22, 2002 | Posted by Hyatte 

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Continued from page one:

“So what? Rock’s legs are bigger than his own arms. Hogan’s legs are bigger than his own arms. MY legs are bigger than my own arms. It’s pretty much accepted that legs are bigger than arms. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here.” 

“i went to wrestlemania 18, and if u sat on the floor u were allowed to take home the limited edition chairs. I think its just the big 5 ppv’s that u get to take home the chairs” 

“After the tag match Owen/Bret vs. Quebecers – Owen attacks Bret’s leg after the match for not tagging him in. So while Bret is wheeled down the ramp on the stretcher Owen cuts the classic HEEL promo on the old video wall, and tells Bret that he shouldnt have been so selfish and to tag him into the match. Then comes the classic line of all time – ‘And that’s why i kicked your leg out of your…leg…’ He was trying so hard too, i must have watched that 93 times that night.”

“I love how (Bob Holly) has had less character development in the last 3 years than X-Pac. They should change his name to Baldcore Holly” 

“Hey wasn’t JR the one who managed to confuse Buh Buh with D-Von for like 6 months? That was him yeah. Could it be that Ross is too old for this shit? SHOULD WE REPLACE THAT FAGGOT HICK WITH SAY… OH I DON’T KNOW JOEY STYLES?”

“Lesnar is just another rendition of Mike Awesome. Sorry, but, in six months, he’ll be feuding with The Godfather.” 

“you are hella stupid. You are posting inane @#%$ just to bother people, in retaliation for the fact that God cursed you with an inordinately small penis. Cease this activity immediately.” 

“My one friend who’s a nice guy… but man he can be really dorky. Well he was even more drunk than I was and he was kind embarrassing me. He kept on doing the RVD pointing thing in line at the 7-11. Like everything he said would be a three part statement so he could do the R-V-D pointing to it. ‘I’m Thir-sty!’ ‘Large Slur-Pee’ and so on and so on… god it was pissing me off. Anyway… I got my RVD cup too.”

“I’m sick and tired of everyone bashing the Big Bossman. He’s done some of the best angles ever in the WWF. Remember the nightstick-on-a-pole match with Nailz? Or what about his early days as a plain ole cop? Or, after he became the prison warden from Cobb County GA, the match with him and Undertaker in the cage? He’s got one of the coolest theme songs in the WWF. “Hard Times.” Is that a perfect description of the hell he puts opponents through or not? Who doesn’t remember what he did to Al Snow’s dog? And in disagreement to what a lot of you have said, the Big Show-Bossman feud was great, up until the ridiculous part where he dragged the coffin. I thought it was a pretty emotional feud that was great. Again, after the coffin thing, it got unbearable, but my point has been made.” 

“I’m, curious, at what point did you finally say to yourself, ‘Screw it, I’m never getting laid anyway.’ Or am I in some alternate dimension where babes actually are turned on by the sight of fake wrestling title belts on the bureau?”

“Ahhhh. Hyatte’s back. Now, how about being a doll and typing up some news I’ll actually give 2 shits about?”

Ahhhhhh…. asshole.

Well, I’ve decided that I’m more of a one PPV a month sort of guy…. so if the WWF DOES start running double PPVs, I’ll have to start flipping coins. Of course, that’s assuming that the WWF sticks with the “Extension” long enough. Who knows? Not I.

I leave you now with a thought on absolutely nothing.

This is Hyatte.