The Midnight News 

Posted By Hyatte on 06.10.02

Tyson/Lewis, The White Guy from the Kings, Jarrett, Scott Keith's Hollywood Connection, Priests, Rena, More Bad News, Spider-Man, and another Classic Closers 

Hello, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Crap, no time for set-up. Just dig right in. 

Except... in here is an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with someone just DYING to spill the beans on what a doofus Scott Keith is... we're talking INSIDE KNOWLEDGE, people. Grut was right... it's worse than you thought. 


How many times does Mike Tyson have to blow it before you understand that he isn't the man he once was? He hasn't been the same since Buster Douglas spanked him. 

Lennox Lewis by the eighth round. 

Me: last week. I told you so. Don't you EVER doubt my brilliance, homo. I am SO smarter than ALL of yous. 

I want to tip my hands off to Lennox for fighting a splendid match. Tyson, funniest mofo alive, and he doesn't even know it (which makes it funnier) 

I also knew that Buster Douglas was going to take out Iron Mike in Tokyo all those years ago. I begged... PLEADED with my Mother to allow me to fly to Vegas and bet every penny I had (close to $60k thanks to an inheritance)... she said no. 42-1 odds. 42-1 on Douglas. I would have been a MILLIONAIRE. 

Bitch... I'm glad she's dead. 

Obviously, Tyson was on his anti-depression meds for this fight. I knew we were going to deal with "calm Mike" when I saw him shake the ref's hand and thank him for promising to have a clean slate with him. 

Gotta like that "Wall of Security" that kept the fighters apart. I laughed. 

Other than the fight, I enjoyed watching the people in the first few rows that were in the camera shot the whole time. I ESPECIALLY liked that guy who was dressed like classic 70's pimp who kept standing up during key action sequences. The best part was all the white guys craning their necks around him to see what was going on. I was waiting... BEGGING for a fight to break out: "Hey, SIT DOWN!", "Whaaat? Sit on my dick mothafu**a! This is MY mothafu**in' seat, BITCH!" 

The Rock was there, sitting on camera in the... I'll say 5th row. His shirt was opened and he never took off his sunglasses. I'm sure he just finished boning Britney Spears earlier... in fact, I'll bet ANY MONEY Rocky got some of that white stuff. 

The McMahons were there... Vince, Shane, and Steph. Jim Ross was also spotted. I'm sure a lot more of the WWE crew showed up, but only Vince made it on CAMERA. 

And no... the Rock wasn't sitting next to Vince... which obviously means that THE ROCK HAS LEFT THE PROMOTION!!!!! ROCKY IS PISSED AT THE WWE AND NOW WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM!!!! STOP THE GODDAMN PRESSES!!! 

It's over... no more Rock on Smackdown... spread the word. 

Orrrrr... it could just be that the Rock got those choice seats because he hosted a pre-fight party along with Ms. Spears (oh, and I bet she got a bit o' that "spearing" that night... booyaaa) and was comped. All I know is that I imagined what it was like for Rocky... on top of the world... rock hard body... good looking.... putting the moves on Britney... oh baby... I did some jackin' last night over this.... I jacked, by Christ. 

OVER Britney... NOT the Rock... get your minds out of the gutter, faggots. 

I watch for different things, like the fact that the best part of the evening was watching two heavyweights bang heads in order to make a great night for boxing. No, not Tyson and Lewis, but HBO and Showtime! These two mortal enemies (these networks make WCW vs WWF look like a love-fest) had to meld together. HBO's Jim Brown got the emcee duties. Jim Lamphley covered the match (and thank CHRIST for that.... Steve Albert is a horror show with a rug that makes his brother Marv's wig look positively authentic) but had to deal with Showtime's Bobby Cryz (sp?) for a colorman. Cryz sounds like he was plucked out by random from somewhere in Brooklyn and handed a microphone... and he apparently graduated from Shaquille O'Neal's school of monosyllabic commentary. Props go to Lamphley for the tremendous will power he mustered to not laugh in Cryz's face.... he was close at times tho'... very, very close. 

Finally, the awesome Larry Merchant sat out while Showtime's Jim Grey handled the interviewing. Grey is a weird guy... he always looks THIS CLOSE to pitching a fit at all times... a very angry guy. I remember back when baseball players totally blew him off and refusing to answer his questions because he railroaded Pete Rose during an interview. That lasted a day... then MLB swooped in and cracked the whip on the players. Taking a stand is one thing... taking a stand against an interviewer from a network that helps pay your obscene salary is quite ANOTHER! Oh yeah, Jim Grey had plenty of talkative ball players the next day... veeeery talkative players. 

So, what did we learn? HBO rules, Showtime sucks, Lewis is the MAN, Tyson is your classic Bi-Polar case, The Rock hates Vince, The Rock has felt Britney's tits and other areas, Hyatte likes to jack off, and yes-there CAN be a profitable, big time boxing card without the involvement of Don King (although I'm quite sure he had his fingers in this pie in SOME way... he HAS to... he's that damn powerful. 


Hate to tell you, but Mike Bibby is NOT white! 

Mike Bibby is African-American, with two African-American parents: Former NBA All-Star Henry Bibby and his ex-wife Victoria! 


"Bibb-dogg" 's biggest fan 


Dude... hate to tell you, but Bibby was seen eating dinner with Jerry Seinfeld the other night. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU????? 

So Bibby's is an African-American. I believe that. But COME ONNNNN. SOMEONE in that family tree has been mingling with a honky. There's a REASON cops don't pull him over while driving his new Lexus at 3:00 in the morning. 

Oh, and I was just joking with that Seinfeld thing.... Bibby doesn't hang with Jews. So he IS black!! ah HA!! 

All in good fun, kids... let's move on. 


Jeff Jarrett talked to... someone on... some radio show and.... umm... I forget who posted it. F*ck it, f*ck them and f*ck you. He's pimping the new NWA company... here are some choice cuts: 

On what he intends the NWA to be: 

what we're trying to do is put out an alternative product. And you guys down in the Carolinas, without a doubt, NWA was a stronghold there. That was wrestling. NWA is the foundation for wrestling. You know the new term came along a few years ago, Sports Entertainment. Well, really wrestling IS Sports Entertainment. And Sports Entertainment is wrestling. It's just a new fancy name for wrestling, but NWA dates back to the early 1900's and it really is the foundation for what all wrestling and Sports Entertainment is based on. So, you guys in the Carolinas, absolutely know your wrestling and what we really wanna do is put out an alternative product something the fans can tune into every Wednesday night and it's 2 hour commercial free of Non Stop action with plenty of T and A. 

So, obviously, the radio show was in hicksville... aka either North or South Carolina (like there's a difference) 

On who is signed to the company: 

I've done many interviews and when the word got out that Scott Hall was signed, I mean Scott, I've faced him in the ring many times myself, he's a controversial character, in and out of the ring, and he's signed. Ken Shamrock, the World's Most Dangerous Man, and with his success in the WWF as well as the UFC, he's a cross over celebrity and superstar, you've got Buff Bagwell. Buff has definitely had his ups and downs. I've spoken with Buff within the last 7 to 10 days and he knows he's got his work cut out for him. It's not gonna be easy. I mean he's done things in the past and Buff at times has been his own worst enemy. And so now it's time for him to step it up more than a few notches. And we'll see what he's got. You got "The Dogfaced Gremlin" Rick Steiner, and Rick as you know has won title after title, he's got a storied career, but it's gonna be time for him to step it up. But we also have Brian Christopher, just off a long stint with the WWF, he's gonna be there. The Vampire Warrior (Gangrel), God, the list goes on and on, there's gonna be 20 men, there's a superstar out of Puerto Rico called Gran Apollo, who has literally sold out stadium after stadium on the island of Puerto Rico. He's gonna be entered in the Gauntlet for the Gold. So there's 20 men, 2 men start every 90 seconds another man is added, when it gets down to only 2 men, it's gonna be NWA rules, so no over the top decision. The NWA title is up for grabs and it will be decided by pinfall or submission in the middle of the ring. We have alot of young talent signed. I wouldn't exactly call Jerry Lynn young, because he's definitely made more than a name for himself in ECW, but he's a superb talent, but Low Ki and A.J. Styles, we're gonna introduce them to the world in an unbelievable fashion because those 2 guys can flat out get it when they step into the ropes and I'm really looking forward to those guys getting the opportunity to show their stuff on a National and International platform. 

GRAN APOLLO??? I'M SO THERE DUDE!!!! Showcasing international talent? because that worked so well for Eric Bischoff? (actually... it sort of DID... damn, I hate when irony turns on me) 

On hiring those two FAGS... Lenny and Lodi: 

those guys have assured me that just because they have an alternative lifestyle doesn't mean that their wrestling is gonna be any different. They're expecting big things out of NWA/TNA and with Joel Gertner I guess you could say it's gonna be an explosive mix between the two. 

Okay, he's selling the gimmick... fair enough. what does he have to say about the other controversial tag team, Richard and Rod Johnson? 

You know I don't really know how their characters are gonna evolve, but man has their signing started some unbelievable controversy. I mean it's pretty amazing we have signed some of the best Independent talent on the scene, established stars, and all of the sudden word gets out that Richard and Rod Johnson are coming to invade the rings of NWA/TNA with Mortimer Plumtree guiding them, those guys I can assure you, their wrestling abilities will speak volumes. 

One question: Who the f*ck is Rich and Rod Johnson? And why should I care? 

Here's Jeff's reaction to the Russo question: 

Me and Russo go a long way back. We were friends before he started writing the magazine back in the WWF. I saw him rise through the ranks and then he went to WCW and we worked together there, and right now Russo is tied up in lawsuits and operates his own businesses so as far as having his hand in the NWA/TNA business, it's just goes to show you that people wanna believe what they wanna believe and if they get just a morsel or thread of a rumor they're gonna take it and run with it. And they wanna make it bigger than life. But the controversy that he has created just by a new product coming on the shelf, people wonder is Russo attached to this? Matt, you wouldn't believe the emails we've gotten on that situation. 

On Vince McMahon's comments about the NWA: 

everybody's got a difference of opinion and to me we're gonna be offering something that, there's been wrestling fans out there in the past that many WCW fans that didn’t switch over to WWF programming when WWF bought WCW, and there's wrestling fans being created everyday so we're putting out a product, virtually 2 hours of non stop action for under $10 when there's a lot of people that pay $40 for 3 hours, so in a month's time we're giving you more bang for your buck. 

Finally, what's the official word on this deal? 

NWA/TNA - Total Nonstop Action, it's gonna be the world premiere at the Von Braun Center in Hunstville, ALabama on Wednesday June 19th and it's not only June 19th, it's June 26th, July 3rd, July 10th, every Wednesday night. On pap per view, 8 PM EST. call your local cable or satellite company for availability. They'll give you all the details. Every Wednesday night at 8 PM EST. 

I'm surprised he didn't add "BE THERE!!!!" 

On a side note: Widro announced that he will be PERSONALLY ('cause I ain't doing it and no one else wanted to either) be doing the recap... the AS IT HAPPENS, MINUTE, BY MINUTE recap.... the ONLY site on the WEB doing this!!!!!! Widro is very proud. 

Widro also announced that he now has a girlfriend and they DO get "sweaty". Widro is very proud of that too. 


Pulled this from a porn news site. I was doing research on something else... okay? 

Wrestling Association Disputes Gay/Porn Claims; Priest's Web site had young wrestlers in briefs 

Priests and altar boys are one thing. But priests and young wrestlers were enough to get the parishioners of St. Michael the Archangel Byzantine Catholic Church in Mont Clare, a suburb of Philadelphia, a little bit concerned. 

The Rev. Glenn Michael Davidowich, pastor of the church founded the Junior Professional Wrestling Association in 1999 and staged some matches in the church rectory. However when the Rev. Davidowich put together a website featuring young lads ages 16 to 30 in bikini briefs bearing such names as "Johnny Heartbreaker" the uproar was enough to get the good Reverend to voluntarily shut down after questions were raised about its content and purpose. 

Tony Karl, director and Webmaster, defended the association as "sports entertainment" and a legitimate fund-raising tool. In a statement, he said "unfair attacks and embarrassment" forced the Web site to shut down. "We are not, have never been, and will never be pornographic or sexual," said Karl who claims he found nothing wrong with the wrestlers' attire: "The majority of our wrestlers are athletes who are proud of their healthy and fit appearances, and feel they are dressed appropriately for wrestling entertainment." Karl also claims the association was a "makeshift attempt to mimic and spoof pro wrestling." 

The Web site's stated purpose was to raise money for Tomas Mejia, a California teen who was paralyzed and suffered brain damage in a 1994 auto accident. According to Karl, a priest in California, the Rev. James Curran, established a fund in 1994 to help pay the family's medical bills and formed a similar wrestling venture called Con Ganas Sports Entertainment which shut down last year. Except Mejia's mother, Marcela, said she has not received money from either wrestling organization. She said Rev. Curran did pay some of the family's bills several years ago. But Karl claims the association sent checks totaling $5,760 to the fund administered by Curran. And Davidowich resigned from the association he formed in February 2001 after his bishop confronted him with parishioners' concerns. 

Oh, I'm SURE it was ALL for charity. I'm SURE it was up front. All those young boys... in tights... skinny boys. 

Priest: "Well son, we need a name for you. Being this is a Church event, it should be one befitting the good name of God and all who serves him. Let's see." 

Kid: "Umm, how about Johnny Thunder? Thunder from Heaven, all that?" 

Priest: "Johnny Heartbreaker it is!! Perfect!!! Now come for your communion, boy!" 

Kid: "Yes father. Did you hide the wafer again?" 

Priest: "Aw hell yeah! Now come find it! And remember... using teeth makes Baby Jesus cry." 

Ever wonder what happened to the All American Jeff Peterson? That fellow who I bitchslapped in the news last year? He's rasslin' for THIS league. 

Oh shut up... I'M Catholic. I'm allowed to make fun. 


I get the Torch Newsletter... and like I said (my God, Ashish has possessed me!!) last week, it was a gift. I don't get the Observer newsletter... so I asked around. 

See, I have a theory on them... and I wanted to get some feelings on the matter... here's what I got. 

Don't waste your money on them. 

Maybe back around ten years ago... or as early as 3 years ago, the sheets had something. They had connections on the inside. They could spill all sorts of inside juice and make everyone smart mark crazy. Keller posts flashbacks all the time... and you can see the gobs and gobs of shit that would have been a secret if it weren't for them 

But now... WCW's gone and the WWE has an iron tight hold on it's employees. Vince tells them to keep their mouths SHUT... or ELSE! Well, now that Vince is the only REAL game in town... these blabbermouths are obeying his every edict. They are keeping their damn fool mouths SHUT!! 

So now... we get crap from the Torch about Dreamer getting mocked... and Dusty vs Lawler being only the second go-round ever between them. 

Meanwhile, a few people told me that the Observer is now nothing but editorial pieces. So, basically... you're paying for a few sheets of paper that you can get on the net for practically free. AND, any insight the Sheets actually DO report is ALSO covered on the Net... for free. 

So... why are you wasting your time? Let the subscriptions run out (unless you can't LIVE without Bruce Mitchell telling you that the WWF should hire Goldberg and let him beat everybody) and stick to the Web. F-it, stick with ME!!! I'm free and A LOT more fun then those self important homos. 

That was a public service deal from your good friend, Hyatte! 

SCOTT KEITH GOES HOLLYWOOD forabouttenseconds 

Apparently, Scott Keith used to brag about having a huge Hollywood connection as was going to be HUGE. Then, he suddenly stopped talking about it altogether. 

Ever wonder what happened? 

Well, I went straight to the source and asked... and got an EARFUL in return. Get ready, because this shit may just change your mind about the Netcop. It's lengthy, but every word is WORTH IT: 

Hyatte1com: Who are you? 

IceCold242: Matt Martisek, young, budding screenwriter 

Hyatte1com: and you produce movies? 

IceCold242: I have one in production, but I prefer screenwriting 

Hyatte1com: How long have you been surfing the wrestling sites? 

IceCold242: Hmmm... doing the math... 5 years 

Hyatte1com: and what made you start contacting Internet Writers? 

IceCold242:Just one, before he got real screwy, then I contacted others to get the word out basically and to background check him 

Hyatte1com: and who was the first writer you contacted? 

IceCold242: I wrote a letter to Scott Keith asking him if he has ever been interested in going into the film business... he said yes, so I gave him a job that really doesn't do much to see if he had what it took... 

Hyatte1com: So you reached out to Scott Keith. What drew you to him? 

IceCold242: He was subtly reaching out to the community, complaining about having no future. I felt bad and he had a decent track record, so I figured, why not, if he is willing to learn. 

Hyatte1com: You established a bit of a relationship with him on AOLIM? 

IceCold242:No, through the telephone 

Hyatte1com: How long ago was this? When? 

IceCold242: Last May 

Hyatte1com: Okay... and what was your first impression of him during the phone call... how many calls did you have with him? 

IceCold242:A few, little by little his psyche came raveling out 

Hyatte1com: But at first, he seemed cool? He had his shit together? 

IceCold242: Not really, just like a workhorse. Seemed like someone that would take order and direction easily 

Hyatte1com: ah... and what were you offering him, initially. 

IceCold242: Just a chance to make sure what was in the script translated into film... he seemed like he just wanted a shot into the biz, I thought maybe I could help him. 

Hyatte1com: was the script about pro wrestling? 

IceCold242: Hell no, none of those movies are good... It was about a detective investigating his wife’s kidnapping 

Hyatte1com: okay... and you offered to fly him to where you would shoot?Chicago, I believe? 

IceCold242: Didn't. I said he would have to get to everywhere on his own and would get paid a rate fee of 200 bucks a day. 

Hyatte1com: so how come he didn't go? 

IceCold242: Because I found out his lying and sleazy and incredibly nerdy ways. It was like if Urkel got evil. 

Hyatte1com: whoa... what makes you say this? 

IceCold242: Well, first and foremost, the man thinks every idea he has is golden and has never heard the word no, except from his date at the junior prom. 

Hyatte1com: so he started rattling off ideas to you from the get-go? During that first phone call? 

IceCold242: Yeah. His ideas about Goldberg saving a corrupt planet that masks itself as a pro wrestling organization. I wish I was making some of this up. 

Hyatte1com: what others surefire ideas did he have? 

IceCold242:His ideas all included making the "GREAT WRESTLING MOVIE", now come on folks, is there ever going to be such a thing? 

Hyatte1com: Ouch... and I understand that he refused to listen to your advice on his golden ideas? 

IceCold242: Yes. He knew he was right in his head. He doesn't like any other opinions but his own. 

Hyatte1com: you say he's a liar... when did he lie to you? 

IceCold242: He lied to everyone saying he doesn’t apply for the WWF and that he has a life outside wrestling and that the community loves him. I have a friend that writes for the WWE, he loves it and he told me that the man (Scott Keith) who claims to have never ever applied for them (to his loyal fans), has actually applied online multiple times. 

Hyatte1com: MULTIPLE times??? 

IceCold242: 4 times I believe was the exact amount. 

Hyatte1com: This past year? 

IceCold242: Yes all this past year. SO he tells his fans he is way above the WWE and would never apply. Directly lies, thinking “who would know?”. 

IceCold242: Chris... you know what? 

Hyatte1com: yes? 

IceCold242: He claims to have not read your columns... remember this is a man who used to own the website you delivered columns on (TheSmarks)... well he was obsessed with you and CRZ... he reads every column and wonders why people don't like him 

Hyatte1com: he wonders why I am so popular or why he isn't popular enough? 

IceCold242: he thinks you guys are even 

Hyatte1com: and this kills him? 

IceCold242: he thinks you are slanderous. He thinks you guys aren't real reporters and are slanderous and spewing libel back and forth. 

Hyatte1com: but he thinks he is a real reporter? 

IceCold242:yes, who speaks the truth. this is even though he has 0 connection to the business and lives vicariously through Dave Meltzer. 

Hyatte1com: would you say he is actually jealous of me and CRZ... but me in particular (ahem) 

IceCold242:I think he is very jealous that people believe you two. 

Hyatte1com: believe us two? 

IceCold242: He thinks you guys are fictitious in your ways. 

Hyatte1com: How did he conduct himself towards you? Did you ever get a sense of a humble, "normal" human being underneath all the "Netcop" stuff? 

IceCold242: No, he isn’t humble and he is actually loud and obnoxious. Told me never to talk to you. That’s why I have. 

Hyatte1com: really? Why did he ban you from talking to ME? 

IceCold242: Probably afraid that I would find a more qualified person for the job and someone with more passion and a better mind for business. That is all speculation though. He never really said other than the fact that you would lie. 

Hyatte1com: hmm.. and since you've known me (almost a year)... have I lied about anything to you? 

IceCold242:Of course not. Outstanding human being. I am going to name my kids Chris, after you. 

Hyatte1com: Heh.... okay... I'm confused... what was the one moment that made you decide that Scott was a nutcase? 

IceCold242: I didn’t like him at the start actually. Lets say there is a meter of how much you like someone, 1-100. Well he started at 60 and just went straight down from there. I just stopped talking to him. He was crazy. Telling me how he would run things. How Test is wonderful and Chris Benoit is his REAL God. That is nuts enough for me. Cliff Clavin had more personality and common sense. 

Hyatte1com: okay... and what did you think when he started bragging about knowing you in his column? When he jumped the gun and say that he was "going Hollywood" and he was officially on the inside after just a phone call or two with you?? 

IceCold242:That just irked me, I told him to shut up about it. Then, he wrote on the Delphi website that someone found for me, he was bragging how he finally made it and was going to be huge. He said he was in "Hollyweird" and was going to be huge. After two phone calls, which were basically interviews. 

Hyatte1com: Who told you about the Delphi message? 

IceCold242: I cant say who. 

Hyatte1com: *coughCRZcough 

IceCold242: cough 

Hyatte1com: okay.... did you end all relations with him then? or is there more? 

IceCold242:No, but he kept trying to get in contact. So I just finished writing my "masterpiece" and e-mailed him to tell him how amazing it is and how I am in "Hollyweird"... what a fruitcake. 

Hyatte1com: do you have the e-mails he sent? 

IceCold242: No, they were from a while ago and with the AOL mail system, if it isn’t today, it isn’t ever. 

Hyatte1com: Damn... he's lucky... so tell me, who else has he trashed? 

IceCold242: Loves Scaia (of course, two wine cooler drinkers who like it without the wine), Shannon he bashed, but who hasn't, the wonderful 1Bob himself, as Andy Richter says his favorite news source the Torch he claims fabricates news and Meltzer, well he wants to have his kids. 

Hyatte1com: What did he say about Sean Shannon? His former web partner? 

IceCold242: He was a nut and tried to screw them all out of money. 

Hyatte1com: and Ryder? 

IceCold242: Thinks he is a WCW droid, now NWA 

Hyatte1com: Did he ever brag about being contacted by anyone from WCW or the WWF? 

IceCold242:Yes, all the time. But I have friends in the industry, he is a joke. The Mop-Up ends up on Vince’s desk, the Rants end up on Crash Holly’s Dashboard in his rental car. 

Hyatte1com: It seems to me that all you ever talked about was wrestling and his role in it. Ever talk about girls? 

Hyatte1com: like regular guys? 

IceCold242: Dave Meltzer? Man or woman? 

Hyatte1com: Dave is a guy... (I think)... so he doesn't count 

IceCold242: Then no, though he claims he has friends. Not sure how many, but I am sure a man with a couple of stubs for fingers could still count them on one hand. 

Hyatte1com: did he ever talk about a girlfriend? Or does he live with Mom and Dad still? 

IceCold242:He lives with a man, a roommate, from what I know. 

Hyatte1com: did he admit to you that he was a virgin? 

IceCold242: I don’t think there was much admitting that had to have happened. 

Hyatte1com: so he DID say he was a virgin? 

IceCold242: No, I didn’t ask, don’t really want to think about Scott Keith and sex, I would rather see the Comic Book guy and Agnes Skinner again. 

Hyatte1com: what does he do for a living? Surely he told you 

IceCold242: He told me, but I didn’t really care and forgot, but it is some minimum wage job. 

IceCold242: The other thing is, he subtly mentioned that the only way I would make it is if him and I worked together. I needed his talent. He was saying that as a team we could get far. We needed to stay a team. 

Hyatte1com: ah... but he made it look like YOU would be the barnacle to HIS whale ass... and not the other way around? 

IceCold242: I was his blowhole... that’s what it was. Now I finished my new script and I invite anyone to read it and tell me it is no good. I can guarantee people will like it. 

Hyatte1com: It is very good. So, from your viewpoint, assess this man's character. 

IceCold242: Just your regular Star Jones. Gossiper, sleazy, man who wants to get ahead by crushing those behind and a consistent liar. 

Hyatte1com: When was the last time you spoke to him? 

IceCold242: I think the end of the last year. And hopefully never again. Though I have a feeling that is about to change. 

Hyatte1com: how can it? He doesn't read me 

IceCold242: I can tell you how this next week is going to go: No comment... he will just ignore it, but when the message gets bigger and bigger he will claim someone else told him. 

Hyatte1com: ah.. yes. Standard ploy. Well sir, anything else? 

IceCold242: My whole point is, whatever opinion I have about Scott Keith is just that, opinion. But, what I am mostly telling you is fact. That’s what this audience needs to realize, the facts about Scott Keith. The 411True Hollywood Story 

Hyatte1com: and the fact is that this guy took a great opportunity to learn something... instead he pissed it away because he insisted that he knew better than YOU, the guy who offered him the shot in the first place 

IceCold242:Right, that’s what I am saying. People don’t have to listen to my opinion. Listen to the facts though. Another fact is, you can never believe anything he writes. It is like the Enquirer of wrestling. He speaks HIS truth, no one else’s. I encourage people to read Bob Barron before reading him. When he writes, he uses all his little metaphors and smarmy ass comments. What does that have to do with wrestling? I mean for God Sakes, he is the Rex Reed of wrestling. 

And there you go. You BLEW it, f*ckface! He was going to get you in... give you a shot... but you were so STUPID!! You wrecked EVERYTHING for yourself... DUMBASS. Silly twat.... this arrogant web guy thing is supposed to be a WORK... not reality to justify your pathetic life. Stupid, Stupid, STUPID ASS canadian cumstain. 

Like ANYONE would follow your orders and not talk to ME! Unlike you, I'm a cool guy! Now YOUR Hollywood connection is MINE. 

And if you want a copy of Matt’s great screenplay, E-mail him. He’ll also entertain comments, questions, and flames. 


When I need stuff to goof on, I always run to Rena Mero's website (find it yourself, jerkweed). She does not disappoint. 

On the site, there is actually a members club where YOU, yes, YOU can sign up for and get the REAL scoop on how great and wonderful everything in Rena's life is... even though her fan base must have dropped to single digits by now. 

I'll cut in throughout this announcement. 

We are very proud to Announce the Rena Mero Gold Card Club! 

RENAMERO.COM is pretty cool (who says? I demand evidence!!), but we realize that for some fans, it's just not enough Rena! (wrong again, crappy site is PLENTY of Rena for us... trust me) If you are a fan who would like to forge a more in depth relationship with the lady who's all that and more, we would like to invite you to join the Rena Mero Gold Card Club. (In-depth? So, she gives anal?) 

When you join the Gold Card Club, you'll be put in a different league.(The JUSTICE LEAGUE!!! Can I be the space monkey, Gleek?) On the Gold Card Message Board, you'll be communicating with other exclusive Gold Card Club members. (If it's more than two, me and that homo Scaia, I'd be shocked) You'll also be able to download the OFFICIAL Rena Mero Screen Saver for free. (But, I can get so many fake naked photos of her without going anywhere NEAR this club? ) 

The Gold Card section will feature special offers and the hottest pictures of the world's hottest woman (Eliza Dushku?) - and it will be yours to peruse at leisure. But best of all, you'll have access to Chats with Rena herself, or her personally-selected representative! (WHAT??? WE GET A REP?? SOME DUMB BIMBO TO FILL IN FOR THE REAL DUMB BIMBO?? WHAT A RIP) Get to know her live! 

Why the Gold Card Club? For Rena, her true fans are more than just fans - they are family (Just stay away from her, you loser maggots!!). The nominal fee for membership will allow her to create the safe environment necessary for real personal interaction with her 'extended family' (Hey, I'm a fan... can I borrow $50 thousand bucks, Aunt Rena?). Of course, Regular Members will also see a continued improvement in the site - they are still as important as ever. But if you want more, become a Gold Card Club member. It's only $9.95 a year, and it will place you right in the center of the Rena loop! 

My God... my holy F**king God. Please... PLEASE someone grow the balls and write to me and say YOU are a member... she can't have any... it's IMPOSSIBLE. No one is that sad. No one. 


Someone reported that Kurt Angle showed up on a WHACKY radio show in Atlanta and said he wanted to shave his head anyway, so Vince turned it into an angle. He's definitely fighting Hogan at The King of the Ring too. 

The curious thing was that Angle said that he would be working a program with a "new" wrestler soon... he wouldn't say who, just that he was NEW... 

I'm thinking Maven... he's still new. 


Bad News Allen is STILL ALIVE... and he's been training those sewer rats to one day act as his Gestapo and keep the other farm animals in thrall!!!! Damn you, Orwell! 

Bad News now goes by his real name, Allen Coage... and he lashed out on everyone's favorite canadian bitch... SCOTT KEITH... oh... I mean BRET HART 


I just read ‘Stu Hart, Lord of the Ring’, the biography of one of the greatest wrestling promoters that ever lived. I have a great deal of respect for Stu. I think he's a great guy, he's honest, trustworthy and very modest. His book brought back a lot of memories of when I was working for him in Stampede Wrestling. 

His children contributed to the book as Stu is on in years and couldn't remember every detail. Which brings me to this month's opinion. 

Bret CRY BABY Hart let it go already. Enough is enough. I am so sick and tired of the whining and whimpering about losing that WWF world championship belt to Shawn Michael's in 1997. Oh boo hoo! Whining and whimpering about how Vince McMahon screwed you. Man get over it! That was 5 years ago. Shut the hell up already! 

Bret is suppose to be an intelligent person, he saw first hand how Vince screwed Stu out of his territory. Yet CRY BABY is still singing his song “Oh poor pitiful me, oh woe is me” 

Bret get it through your head - you DID NOT earn it. It was GIVEN to you. It means NOTHING. You didn't have to train hard or defeat anyone for real. You didn't win it because you were the best - you won it because the promoter PICKED YOU. You're not 5 times world champion you're 5 times PROMOTERS champ - NOTHING MORE. If it was a shoot CRY BABY Bret you wouldn't even make it into the ring unless you were on the tear down crew. It's a WORK man- not a shoot! It's ENTERTAINMENT you suck ass. It's show business!! GROW UP!! 

We've all had to put people over. I had to put Macho Man over in MY home town, at Madison Square Garden in front of 22,000 people. I didn't give a shit. All I cared about was getting paid. I didn't sulk even though I'm a legitimate Olympic Bronze Medalist in Judo. I put Bret over in the middle of the ring many times. As did many other wrestlers who could have kicked his ass within 3 minutes if it was real. They didn't cry and whine - “oh woe is me”. I've always believed, that if I was a promoter and I gave Bret a choice - 5,000.00 a night to lose every night in the first or second match OR 100.00 a night and he gets to have the Belt - Bret and his ego would pick the latter. 

CRY BABY Bret whined in his newspaper column every other week. According to Vince McMahon CRY BABY whined to him at Owen's funeral about being screwed. CRY BABY didn't mention Owen, CRY BABY whined about how Vince destroyed his (Bret's) career, his marriage and his life. Then CRY BABY had to whine in his father's book. The book is Stu’s life story not Bret's. The book is to honor Stu. His kids all contributed in honor of their father. CRY BABY Bret's contribution ruined the book, CRY BABYcontribution was more whining about the loss of that stupid ass belt. 

Look at the opportunities you were GIVEN. You traveled the world, had a toy made in your likeness, you were on the cover of magazines, had appearances on television shows and movies. You made a lot of money, you never have to worry about where your next meal is coming from like so many unfortunates out there. Your bitterness has no merit, if anyone has the right to be bitter it's Dynamite Kid. He devoted his life to wrestling. He revolutionized wrestling. He was the greatest wrestler to ever hit the mat. He gave everything he had and more to please the fans and the promoters. What was given to him in return? He now sits in a wheelchair and you don't hear him boo hooing. He didn't leave a millionaire like you did. He lost everything and he's not whining “oh poor pitiful me.” It's a phony meaningless belt, not earned by ANYONE who ever wore it. All the boo hoos and whaa whaa’s aren't gonna change that fact. There are more important things in life. To be able to watch your children grow, your siblings, your father, good health, to see the sun rise and set... 

Bad News Allen 

Wow... rough. I'd play Devil's Advocate and offer a retort but... well... Bad News is big, black, bald, mean, a street fighter, and has a black belt in Judo... ARE YOU NUTS! Just reading the damn thing I almost threw my wallet at the screen, twice! 


Man, I love to mix these things up. Anyway, a trip to Grayhaven magazine ( was where I found this bit of news I KNEW you'd like. 

The average Marvel book sells over 50,000 units per month 

The average DC book sells under 25,000. 

Marvel books sell twice as fast as DC books. 

Wanna know how bad the "Clone Saga" f*cked up Spider-man? 

So bad that sales for Amazing Spider-Man dropped from 400,000 per month to 48,000. 

Wanna know why J. Michael Straczynski is Marvel's current God? 

Because in one year, he TRIPLED the sales for the comic. Almost alone, he saved Spider-Man. 

I don't even get comics anymore. Is Captain Carrot & His Amazing Zoo Crew still around? 


Ain’t here. Go ask Flea why. Maybe he needs me to personally ask him each week for one. Does little Flea need to be coddled? I love you Flea! Hyatte loves you! 


I started this... or RE-started this last week. I listed a bunch of rassle-folk who've been caught lighting up the butts. Then I asked if you could contribute anything.... well, we got some: 

Sting smokes. The writer even sent me a photograph proving it. 

What up, Hyatte? A few months ago, in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Robert Gibson asked my friends and I if we had any weed. I don't know how well known his weed smoking is, but there ya go. He also refuses to let the mullet go, even though he has almost no hair on top anymore. But he's cool as shit. Peace. 

Thad Martin 

Which reminds me... Ricky Morton is like a chimney too. 

Hey, great column! A friend of mine was at summerslam 2000 and one of his girl friends was outside smoking and Ivory bummed a smoke off her. Ivory then told her all about her days in GLOW. Thought I'd add. 

Thank you sir... 

A bud and I were wandering around outside Skyreach Center last week before RAW and saw what was at least circumstantial evidence of RVD's legendary fondness for the green. We were standing by the below-ground-level entrance to the building. We could see a bunch of people down below: the Fink, Lillian and a bunch of techs, as well as RVD. After a few minutes, Van Dam took the stairs up to ground level and wandered off into the parking lot. We could see his feet as he stood behind a panel van for a few minutes. When he came back around the corner, he was doing up and adjusting his fanny-pack. Obviously this isn't hard evidence, but what the hell else would he be doing out there? 


I don't know? Masturbating? 

I was sitting at a table in a nightclub here in Florida about a year ago and Test was there. He sat by me and asked if I had a lighter. That doesn't necessarilly mean that he smokes, but come on, what do you use a lighter for other than partake of the cancer stick? Hey, there's a column in and of itself right there. 

Chris X 

Well no Chris X... maybe he was getting a lighter to impress the babes with the VERY gentlemanly act of lighting her cigarette FOR her? Maybe Test got some that night thanks to YOU? That does NOT count. 

As always... help me out by e-mailing me. I ain't following the boys around... I need Marks like YOU to do it for me. Together, we'll BAG these people!!! 


Daniels shows a very good sense of humor (I never HATED you, stud... I think I am pretty clear on the people I REALLY can't stand) and pops up with another The Week in Wrestling. I don't know... seeing how it's Monday... shouldn't it be called LAST Week in Wrestling? Just a thought. 

Velocity, Confidential, and Heat are all here... by Pat Brower, PK, and Jacob Ziegler--respectively. Yes, Jacob Ziegler... 411 does hire Jewish people. Why are you so shocked? 

Meanwhile, Jim Vanderhorst Marks Out at some of his favorite moments. He dedicates the column to Josh Grut. One day, I'll dedicate a column to finding out who the Hell is Jim Vanderhorst and why wasn't I notified of his hiring? I don't care if I was retired at the time... I NEED TO KNOW THIS STUFF!! 

Finally, The Great Wesuke shows up with a column. He has the whole diatribe from the Ultimate Warrior in full. Good, saves me the effort. 


This CLASSIC CLOSER was from 2000. From the ScoopThis days. At the time, no one was sure who the new President was... so I weighed in with MY prediction: 

Closing things out with some high brand COMEDY!!! Let's pretend that you actually run into one of the listed wrestlers and actually grow the nutsack to ask a question or two. Show the world that you are the coolest cowboy to ever wear an Austin 3:16 shirt by asking them THESE questions... 

Note: In order to fully enjoy this crap... try to imagine the looks on their faces as you present them with these probes... 


-Is Mr. McMahon in yet? 

-Has a drunken Scott Hall ever pawed your breasts? 

-Is it true that there is at least one suicide attempt in this office every Tuesday? 

-You do realize that you're back on the Unemployment line the moment Patterson finds a young stud, right? 


-What's your problem with Germany? I hear it's beautiful this time of year? 

-If I sneezed, would you say "God Bless You" or "Gesundheit"? 

-Are Ovens your Kryptonite? 


-How bored are you? 

-Nice dye job. How old are you again? 

-If Scott Hall deserves to be wrestling, does that mean Jake Roberts deserves to be President? 

-You know, first off, let me tell you something... 


-Hyatte or Zimmerman? 

-When are we going to start seeing some of those Trump cards you promised to keep throwing down on the WWF? 

-Who's to blame for this third failure as WCW Head Writer? 

-How many whole grapefruits can you fit in that mouth anyway? 


-How many times do you hit your bitch in the mouth to get her lips to swell like that? 

-Do you realize that the fans are laughing at you? 

-Who are you trying to scare when you go over the rail and go after someone? We know you don't have the guts to do anything. 

-How much has 'roids shrunk you balls? 


-Psychologists say that men who speak in unnecessary, over-verbose words are just compensating for impotence and general penile dysfunction. Any thoughts? 

-Is there any part of you that realizes it's over? 

-Dooshbagsezwhat? (note: I KNOW this is a BLANTANT Stern rip-off, but of all the people in the business... the Warrior CERTAINLY deserves this) 

-If I am inflicted with a mountainous protuberance in my rectal cavernous maw, would it prove beneficial to seek and confer with a Medical liaison that is familiar with the patented specialties that encumbers discerning and disallowing the continued occurrence of such an alarmingly agonizing malady? 


-Aren't you dead? 

-Did you push Owen off the rafter just to show that cocky bastard Bret what it feels like to lose a Brother? 

-Why is it taking you two decades to rid the world of that Towel Jockey, Skandor Akbar? 

-Does Dok Hendrix crank call your house at night and laugh at you? 


-How can I be talking to you when you are dead? 

-Is there a Heaven for Black people only? 

-Was your character created because the White man wanted a black guy who acted like a lap dog? 

-Are you waiting for Greg Valentine to die so you can finally get that Wrestlemania re-match? 


-Ever see Richard Pryor freebase cocaine? 

-How's Christina Applegate in the sack? 

-How much do you charge to paint houses? 

-Dude, McMahon won't be calling. You can start eating salads now. 

There... these are the questions you NEED to ask. Okay, so they weren't ALL questions... but even some STATEMENTS can... can... oh suck me. 

I'm out of here. Say hello to the "W Administration"... someone keep an eye on Gore to make sure he doesn't hang himself. 

The man spent is entire life striving for the White House. Worked his entire life on being the ultimate politician... and he was stopped by a bumbling Frat boy who makes Dan 

Quayle look like a Mensa member. 

God bless America! This is why we totally ROCK!! 

Of course, if Gore DOES win, I'll just pulled a Scaia and claim to have been screaming for a Gore win for the last 6 months. 

He really does shit like that. It's pathetic AND laughable at the same time. 

One more thing to the Administration who's President came in a 21 year old Intern's mouth (among others), then stared the Public in the eye and lied about it... 


Here's hoping George W turns out to be a Hell of a President... just as a big F-You to you Gore supporters who were dreading this day. 

Seriously... just relax. Everything will be just fine. 

This is Hyatte 

And that does it. I'm wiped. 

Man... unless I'm off by a billion, this column just gets better and better. I'm ROCKING. 

And if you're bored? If you just sent me an e-mail screaming about how much of your oh-so-precious time I wasted... GOOD!! THAT'S WHAT I LOVE TO DO!! 

Next week, an Interview with CRZ's girlfriend (she's in New York, HE'S in California... it's coast to coast HILARITY) either that... orrrrrr an Interview with Glenn, Rick Scaia's boyfriend. Heh... haw... I'll bury them ALL. 

Eric takes the brunt of the week. Josh preps us for the weekend, and Ashish bats clean-up. I say it's the best damn weekly line-up of writers you'll find. Certainly the most diverse. 

Just so you know, I am venturing daaaaangerously close to Mop-Up numbers in terms of column length here. I have to work on that. 

This is Hyatte