The Midnight News 7.01.02 

Posted By Hyatte on 07.01.02

Goldberg, Hart, McMahon, The Von Erichs, Ex Smarkers, A Letter From a Terrorist, Keller Marks Out, Lesnar, the SAPD, Hollywood Juice, Rock Stars Who Use Cucumbers, Letterman, and Message Boredom 

Your KOTR Mop Up was wretched. Completely unfunny, and it didn't say a damn thing about the PPV aside from results that could be found anywhere. Do you just write these things for your own amusement, or do you actually have a fanbase? 

Rigel G 

A LOT of both, actually 

Hello, I'm Chris and this the Midnight News. This week, we play catch up, where I get to a lot of stuff I had to put aside for the last few weeks... I also have some message board stuff, TONS of big time Hollywood stuff, and rock stars with big dicks. Oh, and a rasslin' thing or two. No Plugs this week... because 411 spent Sunday doing some server thing... so we've been down all day and probably all night too... so I don't know who posted what. I'm sure Tom Daniels showed up with the Week in Wrestling... and plenty of show recaps... and maybe, juuuust maybe the Great Wesuke showed up. Ooh, cross those fingers. 

Let's start off with a pair of quick updates from the wonderful, all time high site hitting, Net Feuds. 50% of you love it, 50% of you hate it... this is for the HATERS out there... 


This will be quick, so relax 

I have been asked to tone it down when discussing Scott Keith. I was asked very, very nicely. I said okay. I did what I wanted to do... which was humiliate him and put a nice scar on this ridiculous online image guys like him take so much pride in. 

Besides... they said "tone it down"... not "stop". I'll never completely stop. 

Moral of this whole story: Be nice to me.... be verrrry, verrry nice to me at all times. Because if there's a way to do it, I'll bury you. And I'll never stop. 


Here's a tiny little denouement to Rick Scaia's part in all this... and a good reason why he is the guy I hate MOST OF ALL. 

Two weeks ago, Matt told me about how "The Prick" spouted off to him about how his site rules and 411 sucks and how he wanted his name out of it. I told you about it two weeks ago. 

Well, Matt was online, minding his own business when THE PRICK voiced his rage at him for telling me about it.... to wit: 


Then Mr. Cool blocked Matt off before he could say anything. 



Here are several tiny newsbits from the Torch newsletter that don't warrant a full headline. Plus I'm too lazy. 

Sean Stasiak has problems. He's depressed and paranoid and will tell anyone who listens about his problems. Still, the boys like the little freak and are trying to help him. 

Hurricane Helms is moping around. He knows it's almost over. 

Few wrestlers were impressed that millionaire Rocky has to say about things. He's set for life, they aren't. 

Vince Russo's book is nowhere near as hard on Vince as everyone thought it might be, in fact, it goes pretty easy on the guy. So the book isn't a huge factor in Vince's hiring of Russo... in fact, it could be a reason WHY he hired him. 

Russo was the one who initiated contact between the two, by the way. He wanted to see if he could come back. Russo’s actually a smart guy, within a year after losing his WCW gig, he was operating a profitable CD "Warehouse" in Atlanta. Either he misses the action, or his family wanted to move back to Long Island in the worst way (Atlanta ain't no fun when you're there full time). 

That's about it. 


Wade Keller has lost his mind. 

You know about the Jericho rant. It made it's way around the web already, so I don't have to post it. But let me say two things about it. 

1) He's dead on RIGHT. Every word. 

2) It proved once again WHY wrestlers should and do NOT address the internet readers. Because the Internet readers can NOT HANDLE IT. As SOON as Jericho addressed us, everyone... and I mean EVERY STUPID MESSAGE BOARD ALIVE started talking like Jericho was a regular reader. I saw open letters to Jericho... shows of support... flames... the whole 9. Basically, everyone freaked. See, we can only PRETEND that anyone knows we exist... and if someone actually admits to reading something.... we get defensive... and WAAAAY too filled with self importance. Suddenly, the number of experts who are MASTERS of judging workrates and what needs to be done MULTIPLY. It's quite a site... everyone suddenly puffing out there chests and saying, "Well, now that I've got your ear, Mr. Big Star Y2J, let me tell you why you are WRONG and I am right." Ugh... it was a sick display. Ask Lance Storm. He made a comment about that ridiculous DVD 500 shitfest and I saw morons spend post after post justifying themselves to an absurd degree. One guy even said, and I quote, "Hey, Lance!! Until you've been to NOAH or watched a few Michinoku Pro Matches in 1993, you have no CLUE what workrate is about!" I almost choked on my apple when I read that. 

But then the Undertaker gave an interview with the, and said that Austin was wrong for leaving. This is where the plot thickened as Keller didn't take kindly to UT's words... and since he was so encouraged by the fact that he drove Jericho nuts, he decided to go after the Big Guy. 

Mark Calloway has put himself above everything else. He has put his ego and pocket book ahead of everyone else in the company. Is it entirely his fault that ratings have sunk since he's been champ? By no means. Is he a contributing factor? Yes. Would his main event matches lately be tolerated if WWE had competition featuring exciting main events? No. Taker is benefiting from a monopoly situation, and that is hurting everyone else in the company. 

The insinuations are that Calloway is forcing them to keep the belt on him. 

This is the SAME Mark Calloway who has been in the company for 11 years... and the sum total of his few titles reigns don't even come close to a year. 

This is the same Calloway that was told last year, by Vince, in front of everyone, that they were dropping the UT vs Austin angle in favor of an Austin vs Jericho/Benoit angle. Basically told him outright that he wasn't making it happen, so they're going elsewhere. 

This is the SAME Calloway who suffered through mid card feuds with Kamala, Kama, Jake Roberts, and The Executioner 

This is the SAME Calloway who puts everyone over. 

This is the SAME Calloway who gives mid-card guys attention. Steve Austin chased Jeff Jarrett out of the company because he wouldn't work a program with him. UT let Maven be the guy to eliminate him out of the Royal Rumble. 

This is the same Mark Calloway who ONLY got the belt because Hulk Hogan's newfound steam didn't translate into enough ratings to let him keep the belt. 

This is the same Calloway that WOULD have dropped the title to HHH last Sunday, but the f-ing juicehead keeps getting injured from lugging all that water logged muscles around. 

This is the SAME Calloway that did an amazing transformation of his character... something very, VERY few wrestlers have the balls to do... and now is the coolest Heel the company has. 

Calloway HAS the title NOT for ego, or for desperation, or for PPV headlines. He HAS the title because right now, THERE'S NO ONE ELSE. He's holding it just until the company comes up with a better plan of attack. Austin's gone, HHH is injured (and is by no MEANS, a guaranteed top drawer), and Rocky is only part time. Lesnar is too damn young. And don't give me that Benoit crap. 

Oh, and this is the SAME Calloway who, as far as anyone knows, has never, EVER complained about his role in the company. For 11 years now, he's been doing his job like a professional. Why do YOU think HE'S the one the boys respect the most? 

No, Keller wasn't doing his job. He wasn't being a reporter. He was being a guy who hates the Undertaker and found an excuse to vent. 

Hey Wade... don't look now, but you're being a Net guy. 

Oh, and just so you know that Wade Keller is really... REALLY a smooth ladies guy: 

Molly is carrying a reasonable level of weight on her rear end. 

Oh, so smooth... oh Wade, I bet you say that to ALL the gals. 


Somebody must have sat Bill Goldberg down and said "Look genius... it's been a year since you did anything. Maybe it's high time you reminded people you are still ALIVE?" 

Goldberg, clearly listened to this person (perhaps his agent, Heimy Rothstein, gotta stick with yer own tribe) and went NUTS... sort of. 

First, he opened his own website... which promptly crashed my computer once I logged on. It's one of those sites that kick off with a long-loading intro with cheesy music and a few pictures... also a threat that if you wait out the loading process, you'll hear EXCLUSIVE NEWS about Goldberg and the WWE (basically, "I ain't coming until Vince CLEANS THIS SWILL UP... or personally hands me over a few mil out of his own wallet" 

The BIG news is that next week, Goldberg will hold a NO HOLD'S BARRED chat on his site. You, yes, YOU his adoring fans can ask him ANY QUESTION UNDER THE SUN (a free blowjob to the person who asks, "If you were around back then, would you have speared that Christ imposter right into the cross?") 

AND... (all this courtesy of the 1bob crew) Goldberg's offering his valuable time (I hear he has TONS of it) for lunch on Ebay... here's the info: 


Item # 1839332378 

Current Bid: US $1,525.00 

First bid: US $100.00 

Number of bids: 18 

Location: Houston, TX 

Payment: Money Order/Cashiers Checks. Visa/MasterCard. American Express. See item description for payment methods accepted 

Shipping: Buyer pays for all shipping costs. Seller ships internationally (worldwide). 

Seller assumes all responsibility for listing this item. You should contact the seller to resolve any questions before bidding. Auction currency is U.S. dollars ( US $ ) unless otherwise noted. 



This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you and a guest to enjoy lunch with former WCW World Heavyweight Champion BILL GOLDBERG - and support three worthy charities in the process. 

Goldberg, a cross-over mainstream superstar (Universal Soldier: The Return, Ready to Rumble, The Tonight Show, ARLI$$), recorded the greatest winning streak in pro wrestling history with 173 straight victories. The Man, as he is known, will make his first public autograph appearance in more than two years at the Tri-Star Collectors Show in Houston at the George R. Brown Convention Center - Hall C on Sunday, July 14th. 

Before his public appearance, Goldberg will have lunch with the winning bidder of this auction and a guest. Yes, you and a guest can sit and chat with Goldberg at this exclusive lunch. You can talk about his WCW memories, his possible future plans in wrestling, or whatever you want. You and your guest will be able to get Goldberg's autograph and have your photos taken with The Man. You will also receive two admission tickets to the Tri-Star Collectors Show in Houston. The winning bidder and his/her guest will need to be in Houston on July 14th and is responsible for all travel expenses to/from Houston. This auction does not include travel. 

This auction is brought to you by Tri-Star Productions, Inc. America's premier producer of sports collectible shows and memorabilia since 1987. Proceeds of this auction will go directly to three charities selected by Goldberg - Texas Children's Hospital in Houston (the largest pediatric hospital in the country), ARF (Tony LaRussa's Animal Rescue Foundation) and Save-A-Pet (a no-kill animal shelter in Grayslake, Ill.) 

Accepted payment methods: cashier's check, money order, Visa, MasterCard and American Express. Payment is due within five days of the closing of the auction. 

This is your chance to get to know one of pro wrestling's top superstars, obtain his autograph, have your photo taken with him, leave with memories that will last a lifetime ... and most importantly, help three worthy charities. 

"I look forward to having lunch with the auction winner. With proceeds going to three extremely worthwhile causes - Texas Children's Hospital in Houston, ARF and Save-A-Pet - the winner of this auction will know that his or her contribution will be well utilized. Bring on the bids and, to the winner, You're Next!" - BILL GOLDBERG 

Go here to bid 

All this activity... looks like ol' GB hired the world's lamest PRESS AGENT!! 


Ah, that whacky Bret Hart will do ANYTHING to get in the newspapers. 

He had a motorcycle accident... then to top it off, he had a STROKE. Now the left side of his body is paralyzed. (Now he's REALLY a half-ass wrestler) 

A Canadian newspaper did a story about what Vince had to say about all this.... and I got it through 

"Despite our differences of opinions, I respect him," World Wrestling Entertainment owner Vince McMahon told the Sun yesterday from his office in Connecticut. Vince isn't sure if the feelings are reciprocal 

"We're all saddened to hear of Bret's problem and I really wish him well." 

"Bret's contributions to the WWE are enormous and everyone thinks very highly of him." 

Despite the feud, McMahon said he wanted to speak to Bret when he was in town last month. 

"Bret was on one side of the room doing something and I was on the other and we never did manage to get together, though I did manage to wink at his son," he said. 

"When we left, (Hulk) Hogan said Bret told him he wanted to talk to me, too." No doubt to grab him by those wide lapels and scream, "WHY VINCE? WHY???" 

When asked for comment, Bret said, "Fwwuk Vinsh, I sahhh h'm phull da cort an triph my bikgh. Fwwuk h'm uph hish fwwukghin assh. He dighd 'dishh. Itgh washh VINSH." 

Meanwhile, 1con has an e-mail address, for real, that they SWEAR is a direct link to the man himself... so if you want to send your best wishes, e-mail him at 


Think the Hart Family has problems? Look at the Von Erichs! 

From the pecker of Fritz dripped a tragedy that screamed for a Shakespeare manuscript. Listen to this horrific run down: 

1959: Jack Von Erich was electrocuted. He was 7 

1984: David Von Erich died in Japan. We were told it was from a severe inflamation of the intestines... it later was announced that he ODed. David was 25... and was supposed to win the NWA title from Ric Flair later that summer. The best way to describe David is this: He had Bradshaw's physique and the ability level of Dustin Rhodes (when Dustin isn't f-ing around) 

1987: Mike Von Erich overdosed on Placidyl, it was intentional. He was 23. Mike had just come out of a long bout with Toxic Shock system and really never recovered. He didn't have much of a physique either. Classic case of being pushed out too fast, too soon. 

1991: Chris Von Erich blew his brains out with a 9 millimeter gun. He was 21. His push began at the age of ten when PWI threw him and his family on their cover and announced him as "The Kid Who Will Lead the Von Erichs Into The 21st Century" He checked out before he even had a chance. 

1993: Kerry Von Erich, one day after being charged with cocaine possession, committed suicide with a .44. He was 33. Kerry was NWA champ, was the WWF Inter-Continental champ, and was the most popular Von Erich of the lot. He was also a first rate junkie who was legendary for working matches while whacked out. Ric Flair's locker room legend (the kind of rep that REALLY counts in this business) was cemented by the way he could carry a damn near comatose Von Erich to 45 minute matches. Oh, and Kerry also lost part of his foot in a motorcycle accident a few years earlier (riding barefoot, wasted). It was, of course, downplayed by the family and those rat bastard Apter Magazines that refused to break kayfabe back then, but the truth came out after a few thousand people saw Curt Hennig pull Kerry's boot off by accident during a match, and out came a portion of what was once a foot. 

Then there was "Cousin" Lance... who had no true Von Erich blood in him. Theyb were just that desperate for family members. He lasted about as long as the last few breathes of WCCW gave way to a union with the AWA... then he quietly disappeared. 

Why bring this up? Because there is some good news from all this... from 

Super Stars of Wrestling presents the return of Kevin Von Erich in the Great American Rumble, at the Gladewater Rodeo Arena in Gladewater, TX on July 20th. 

Matches scheduled: 

Kevin Von Erich returns against Greg Valentine 

Konnan vs Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs 

Psicosis vs Slam Shady 

Iceman King Parsons vs Action Jackson 

The Great American Rumble is a benefit for the Great Hospice of Texas. 

Tickets go on sale next Friday, July 5. Ringside is $20.00. Floor reserve is $15.00 and General admission is $10.00. 

Tickets are on sale in Ace Hardware in Gladewater, and at in 

Cavendars Boot City and Video Zone in Longview, and will be available at the door the night of the show. 

It ain't much, Kevin stuck close to home, raised a family, and worked the occasional indy show. And he ain't letting his children anywhere NEAR this business. 

So, if you go... and you see him... thank Kevin for surviving... and learning 

Iceman King Parsons? The inventor of the “Butt Butt? GET FUNKAY!! 


Most of the times, he doesn't want to be bothered. 

But... pity the poor soul who catches the 411 owner in a good mood. 

Stone9Cold: "You don't know what a winzip file is? What century are YOU living in? Ha!" 

It's the most he's said to me at one clip in MONTHS 


But Jeremy Botter is... was. 

Long time ago, Jeremy Botter helped Scott Keith run the Smarks. He was also the one who brought me aboard for all of three columns. Then he left because his band, Burst was breaking wide (well, that and people can only take so much of the Netcop). He vanished.... stopping by once in a great while to keep his raving hordes of fans up to date. 

So where is he now? Well, he has a Blog site. And he revealed a STARTLING change of direction... 

Yep, things have changed around here. 

Have you ever gone through something where you just KNOW that what you are currently doing is not what you're supposed to be doing? When you just KNOW that God is speaking to you directly, and you'd better listen up and pay attention or else you'll end up traveling down the wrong path? 

That's exactly what's been happening to me over the past three weeks. 

Barring any incredible circumstances, I will be moving to Dallas in August to attend Christ For The Nations. It's a bible school, and there I will prepare for my life's calling of being a worship pastor. I've always known that I would do it someday -- I just figured it would come later in life, after I'd made millions with Burst and become a world-famous rock star. That's not the case, though, as God has called me to go into ministry NOW as opposed to whenever I feel like it. So, to that end, I have left Burst and am preparing to go back to college, a place I was never comfortable in the first place. But hey, there's something to be said for being out of your comfort zone. 

This time, right now, is MY TIME with my Father, the God who created me and loves me and has forgiven me of everything I've ever done. I am learning to be honest, trusting, patient, and most of all GODLY for Him, and he in turn is preparing me to be a minister, a man of God, a husband and father, and so many other things. So yes, this is an exciting time, and I look forward to the fall and to the next phase of my life, whatever it may bring. 

Grace to all of you, 


Posted by JeremyBotter at June 26, 2002 03:21 PM 

See... dealing with Scott Keith will make you go NUTS 

He also said that he'll be forming a band that will sing Gospel... and to not make checking his site a regular visit, he hardly post anything new. 

Meanwhile, Don Becker, the guy who actually OWNED (owns) the Smarks for time, he showed that he stays in touch with his former site mates (Becker also posts on Sean Shannon's woe-am-I home site from time to time) 

You couldn't have done this sooner? I would've had you officiate at my wedding... well, if you were Episcopalian, anyway, and I don't see too many of them in Texas... :) 

Good luck! 

Posted by: Don ( on June 27, 2002 10:15 AM 

Hey, I wish him well. I've got no problems with Botter... or Becker for that matter. They were always NICE TO ME... 

But... you know... God doesn't call you. God doesn't single anyone OUT. YOU, for whatever reason, turn to God. You call HIM. Usually, then you use Him as a crutch, an excuse. You become a drone, spouting off His word while losing your own identity. It's like the Borg. You change your entire person. I've seen it, it's scary. I hope Botter keeps things in perspective. 


This was in the Torch newsletter a few weeks ago, but I didn't have time to get to it until now. 

In a flashback section, Keller discussed the 1992 ascension of "Cowboy" Bill Watts to head the WCW product. He also ran down the new laws that Watts put down for all WCW athletes. Since humility has never been the Cowboy's strongest suit, he got all biblical with his new credos and called them: 


1) Wrestlers cannot use ring posts or barricades 

2) Wrestling outside the ring is discouraged 

3) No low blows; first offense is $1'000 fine, second offense is $2'500 fine, third offense is $5'000 fine and a breach of contract; wrestlers who receive a low-blow are encouraged to no-sell it. 

4) All wrestlers are due at the arena at least one hour before the start time or face fines 

5) Missing an event except for emergencies are a breach of contract 

6) Wrestlers who are injured are still expected to attend live events so the fans can see them, other than a crippling injury 

7) Taking over a p.a. system during a match is discouraged, as is cursing or lewd gestures 

8) Fraternizing between heels and babyfaces in public is NOT ACCEPTABLE, including traveling to and from the arena, in restaurants, and even gyms 

9) No guests are allowed in the dressing room 

10) Each wrestler is allowed only two comp tickets per event for friends 

Plus, as Mick Foley pointed out in his first book, Watts made everyone stay until the very end of the card... so the poor curtain jerker couldn't have the primo rats all to himself for the first two hours... he's have to compete with the Flairs and Lugers of the world. 

Jeeze... what year is Bill Watts living in? Oh... right... 1992. 


Someone sent me this e-mail.... might be a scam... probably a joke... but it's creepy all the same: 

Dear Sir, 

I am EJEMBIE GODCHUMAC the Personal Assistant to the son of late Head of state Mohammed Abacha. I have in my possession the documents of US$35.5M (Thirty five 

million, five hundred thousand united states dollars) which the late head of state, gen. Sani Abacha, approved to be paid into the account of a private company in Lebanon. This company was recommended by Mrs. Sani Abacha who is also a Lebanese, before the sudden death of our former head of state. Therefore I have seen this as an opportunity of my time and have decided to make an alternative arrangement towards the diversion of the fund for my selves. Note that the first phase payment has been made since last year. Having received approved for the last phase of 1998/99 national reconstruction scheme projects, I need your kind assistance providing either your company or personal bank account where this money will be transferred. 

As a matter of urgency, type this application and e-mail it to me on the above address with your phone/fax number, without hesitation. Again try to type the application below with your company or your personal letter headed paper. 




Sir, Applications for the change of bank Account for the transfer of US$35,500,000.00 with contract no: FGN/NRS/914/98. 

Owing to the sudden death of the head of state Gen. Sani Abacha and other unavoidable circumstances, I/We write for the cancellation of my/our bank account in Taiwan. 




A/C NO: 09954441 

It is my/our pleasure that your ministry and other concerned authorities should direct my/our payment to this new reliable bank account. 

BANK NAME/ADDRESS: ........................ 

ACCOUNT NO: ............................... 

BENEFICIARY: .............................. 

BANK TELEX,TELEPHONE & FAX NO: ................. 

I/WE look forward to receiving a satisfactory reply of my or our application. 

Thanks for your consideration. 

Yours Faithfully, 

(your name and signature ) 

As soon as this application is written , e-mail it to me for prompt procession as this fund is awaiting instructions from the relevant authorities here, for further credit to your nominated bank account. For providing your personal or company's bank account, (You & I) shall discuss and agree on how much you will collect from the total sum when it enters into your account. 

I expect your earliest response via e-mail. 

Best Regards, 


Pretty funny joke, if it is a joke. The person who gave this to me also sent a copy to the FBI... or so he says... I may be the one getting goofed on. 

Ah well. 


No, not BOB... Winona Ryder is in the #1 box office movie. Adam Sandler's Mr. Deeds made 37.6 million this weekend. Lilo & Stitch made 22.2 million, Minority Report stayed strong with 21.6 million, Scoobie Doo is shutting down with 12.2 mil, and The Bourne Identity closed the top five out with 10.8 million. 


People have been noticing that Brock Lesnar has an earpiece on his right ear. 

It COULD be because Brock has a SCORCHING case of "Cauliflower Ear" 

You get that when your ear is constantly rubbed and ground and yanked around. When it gets to a certain point, the ear just balloons in size and needs to be drained because fluid can build up inside of it. It's a HUGE pain in the ass... and it hurts SO much. 

Plus, like scar tissue, once you get Cauliflower Ear, you KEEP getting it... until it finally never goes away. 

So the ear piece could be a brace for his bad ear... or maybe he is deaf... or at least "near deaf" 

Just something of interest. 


According to the San Antonio Police Ten Codes, it would be a 10:52 

Lord knows, I've been guilty of a few 10:42's in my day... but the sad part was I was ALONE for them. 

So when you go to a WWF show, be the COOLEST kid there and hold up a sign reading "AUSTIN 10:55" Because that's what he was charged with. 

If YOU ever find yourself in San Antonio, and want to get a 10:22, make sure you do a 10:21. Then, when you pull a 10:06, be sure that it's a 10:09 and not a 10:08, or else you might end up a 10:30 and then they'd call a 10:14 on your ass. And that would end up being a HUGE 10:50. 

Thanks to Edsel Watkins for the heads up here. 


I'm fresh out of rasslin' news... 

From the site that's never opened anymore... it's always blocked... here are some MORE little tidbits of juicy gossip concerning YOUR favorite stars: 

Stallone, Sly. Underendowed, and has a taste for prostitutes. Hard to work with. Crudely hit on and was humiliatingly dissed by Uma Thurman. Once dumped his wife via Fed-Ex. Linked with Pamela Anderson, Naomi Campbell, Farrah Fawcett, and Janine Turner. Starred in soft-core porn film. 

Thornton, Billy Bob. Dumped his wife (who he abused both physically and emotionally) like a load of three-day-old shrimp once he got famous. Recovering anorexic. (There are conflicting accounts as to who is to blame for Thornton's divorce of his first wife; either he is physically and emotionally abusive or she is a violent psychopath and habitual liar) Drug user. Has a pathological fear of antiques and dirty silverware. Linked with Laura Dern and Angelina Jolie. 

Nicholson, Jack. Insane. Physically abusive towards women. Reportedly enjoyably zany half the time and incredibly insufferable the other half of the time. Reputed drug user (enormous quantities). Slut; reportedly competed (competes?) with Warren Beatty for most women rogered. Regular at certain Hollywood brothels; likes multiples. Grew up believing his grandmother was his mother and his mother was his sister. Linked with Drew Barrymore (at a very young age), Candice Bergen, Lara Flynn Boyle, Faye Dunaway, Anjelica Huston, Jessica Lange, Madonna, Michelle Phillips, Meryl Streep, and Margaret Trudeau. 

Pitt, Brad. Hygienically challenged. Hard to work with; was horrible on the set of Devil's Own. Used to wear a chicken suit for El Pollo Loco. Reportedly broke up with Gwyneth Paltrow over her refusal to service him orally. Reported heavy drug use. Plays both sides of the field. Has herpes. Has wandering eyes (and other body parts). Linked with Jennifer Anniston, Nicole Appleton, Geena Davis, Robin Givens, Juliette Lewis (while she was only 16), Robin Givens, Demi Moore, Julia Ormond, and Uma Thurman. 

Reno, Janet. If rumors are to be believed, a part-time dominatrix. Reportedly a repeat DWI offender who was never arrested because of her power. Linked with Donna Shalala. 

AND... because I want to overload you with nonsense and make you sick to death of me... I ALSO went to and picked out some choice selections from the famous Penis Chart. You saw it on VH1... it's where groupies write in and tell the author about the sexual habits of today's top rock stars (and a shitload of 80's hair metal names, too). I couldn't resist listing a couple... 

Jon Bon Jovi / Bon Jovi: Back in the day Jon was a huge slut but he's chilled out a little. Jon has an average size cock and like a lot of guys prefers to receive oral than give it. He has good rhythm though and will even wear 2 condoms if you ask him to. 

Gary Cherone / Ex-Van Halen, Ex-Extreme: Gary is so small if somebody saw you sucking his dick it would look like you were smoking a joint! Word has it that he is a lot like Freddie Mercury, on and OFF the stage. 

Zack De La Rocha / Ex-Rage Against The Machine: Now he is excellent in bed, though he has really ugly, curly-haired crotch and balls, but his oral and finger skills make the hair ordeal worth it. C*ck is about eight inches in length, about seven in girth. Loves doggy more than any other position, and seems to be obsessed with playing with a girl's hair. Has a thing for olive skin and dark hair ... overall, solid 9, and he takes care of you after the fact. 

Fred Durst / Limp Bizkit: Fred is an average joe, or should I say an average Fred. Nothing too big but nothing too small. He loves to eat p*ssy and loves to get oral in return. He's a little on the kinky side and he really loves the freaky girls. Likes to see naked girls all around him, which is probably why he hangs out at the Playboy Mansion. 

Billy Idol: He's no Leviathan, but he definitely knows what to do with the 6" he has. He likes you to put on a show for him, and make sure you leave your stilettos on. He's the type that will feed you strawberries from the nightstand and might growl during sex. He's also drunk a lot, so be warned. 

Marilyn Manson / Marilyn Manson: The "GOD OF F*CK" has nothing to be bragging about! Our source said he was a very lame lay, had an average c*ck, and lasted all of 2 seconds. Poor Rose McGowan! There are some nude photos of him and Twiggy in the Gay Porno mag Honcho, so I'm sure somebody on the Internet has the photos if you really need to see his mechanical animal. Also fooled around with Jenna Jameson. 

Twiggy Ramirez / Marilyn Manson: I have no idea who would want to f*ck Twiggy! He looks like he hasn't taken a shower in 3 years, and on Howard Stern I saw him picking his nose like it was going out of style. Not only that, but he has a small dick and it's frequently limp due to excessive cocaine use. 

Trent Reznor / Nine Inch Nails: On a scale of one to 10, Trent is an 8. An average size dick, but a good fuck. He'll f*ck you like an animal. He loves dildos, candles, hot wax, blindfoldes, etc. 

I figure, this will infuriate those of you who never liked me to begin with, and put a big smile on those who love me. 


While we are in the motif... I got two things on Ben Affleck... the very worst kind of celebrity there is. 

First, Jesse Baker (who used to TRASH me on Delphi... until my charisma converted him) sent me a HILARIOUS parody of the Daredevil poster. It's a real trip. See for yourself 

Second, Affleck, a HUGE Red Sox fan, got a little too full of himself while in the booth during a red Sox/Blue Jays game. Now the Sox are pissed... 

From the IMBD... DB.... from a friggin' movie site... 

Red Sox Fire Back At Affleck 

Players from Ben Affleck's favorite baseball team have lashed out at the movie star over comments he made about them on national TV. The actor was a guest commentator on Fox's coverage of the clash between Affleck's heroes the Boston Red Sox and the Toronto Blue Jays last week. Affleck shocked the regular sports pundits on the show by criticizing players, especially Red Sox pitcher Rolando Arrojo. Second baseman Lou Merloni told the Boston Globe he didn't like how Affleck said the Sox had made "a mockery" of his career by sending him to the minors several times. Merloni said, "What's really a mockery is Affleck's last four movies." The actor also criticized Trot Nixon for not hitting left handed pitches well, prompting Nixon to say Affleck's acting, "is just as bad". Nixon ranted, "Matt Damon made you what you are, slick." 


No, I mean, how DARE they!! Affleck is a MOVIE STAR... he is an expert of EVERYTHING!!!! What a brain dead goof. 

Scoobie mangled The Sum Of All Fears by about 20 million dollars... and ol' Affleck had a three day weekend t'boot! 

Ben Affleck, the living, breathing reason why stars have generally bad reputations (pompous, dumb, self absorbed, lazy) 


This has nothing to do with anything... but I LOVE Dave... and it's my f-ing column 

Got this off actually, I got it from aint-it-cool. 

NBC Tried to Get Letterman Back 

LOS ANGELES - NBC, which has had some trouble programming its first hour of primetime in recent years, thought it had hit on a solution last summer. 

The solution's name was David Letterman -- the same man the network let go in 1993 after naming Jay Leno to replace the retiring Johnny Carson on "The Tonight Show." Letterman, then the host of "Late Night," subsequently moved on to CBS and "The Late Show." 

The idea, conceived by NBC Entertainment president Jeff Zucker, was to turn the 8 p.m. hour over to Letterman every weeknight except Thursday, when "Friends" airs. 

Rob Burnett, head of Letterman's production company, Worldwide Pants, tells "The New York Times" that he listened to Zucker's pitch, but it never got very far past that. Letterman's contract with CBS stipulated that he couldn't negotiate with anyone until 2002. 

"It was a very smart idea," Burnett says of Zucker's proposal. It would have saved NBC a lot of money, shored up the network's weakest prime-time hour and likely given Leno a ratings boost, as his biggest late-night rival would have been on the same team. 

Burnett was pretty sure, however, that Letterman wouldn't go for the idea. "We chatted briefly about it," he says. "Dave had a good laugh over it." 

Ever notice that ALL the critics LOVE Letterman and HATE Leno? Ever notice that Letterman won 4 Emmys in a ROW for best show, while Leno is rarely (if ever) even nominated? 

Ever notice that even though Leno wins the overall ratings (and he rarely wins by much anymore), he never gets credit, respect, or applause? Hell, those standing ovations he gets at the beginning of each show are a nightly excercise in manufactured nonsense. You think his audience is doing it ON THEIR OWN? 

Ever notice that so long as Dave's on at 11:30, Dave will always be the King, no matter what? 

NBC notices. 

God Bless Letterman. 


Nope... none to give. 411 is down. 

But, to whet your appetites for the Across the Boards that are right underneath, I give you this... 

I found this off an MP3/CD mixing website... of all places. I was directed here by a message board site that I cannot plug because the guy who runs it is a writer for Scaia... and if Scaia is a fat assed pole smoker, then his writers MUST be too (simple logic there) 

Anyway... this is what a REAL flame thread is about... and the best part... they are all BRITISH!! Enjoy: 

OLDoMiNiON on Monday, 15th April 2002, 19:17: Shut the f*ck up you ungreatful sod!! if you don't like it not getting updated sometimes (and i am sure there is a good reason for this), go and make your own site!!! 

ENuff on Tuesday, 16th April 2002, 18:43: i bet u wouldn't be so aggressive if we met in real life u coward. N.B. tell ur mother i had a great time last night. 

OLDoMiNiON on Tuesday, 16th April 2002, 22:03: i would kick your arse from here to eastern yemen you stupid git...i'd size you up, and if you are anything less than 6ft5 and 300lb i would knock you to the ground (which seems fairly likely) my mother said you were crap, and that your dick is the size of a rats nipple, she said she put some viagra in your coffee, but it made no was still as limp as an african tribes womans left breast!! so bring all you got! meet me in Salford if you want and we can have a brawl.. 

ENuff on Wednesday, 17th April 2002, 19:52: well i don't give a damn if she didn't like it as long as i did. N.B. probably she didn't like it cos i gave her 2 pounds instead of the 5 pounds we had agreed on. 

ENuff on Thursday, 18th April 2002, 20:34: i guess i'm not making myself clear. i don't give a F*** what she thinks. if she was someone i cared about, it would upset me if she thought i was lousy in bed, but she's just a prostetute who i had a quick f*** with, then left. now do u get it?? 

repeater on Thursday, 18th April 2002, 21:58: Sort it out tossers. No one is interested in your childish bollox. 

OLDoMiNiON on Saturday, 20th April 2002, 00:21: enuff - it is a sad sad thing that you need to hire out a prostitute for a good night repeater - yeh, you are right, stop speaking shit enuff and get commenting on mix's...when russ gets time, he will update the site, give him some slack 4 fuck sake. 

ENuff on Saturday, 20th April 2002, 13:48: i agree that what we're doing is childish, but all i did was comment on the site not being updated, then u jumped in 2 defend as if it was ur father who i had commented on!!! 

And that was it... I swear to Christ... I am laughing so hard at this. It kills me. HEY!!! SORT IT OUT, TOSSERS!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA Kick your arse from here to eastern yemen... HAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

Oh dear... now to what YOU kids are mouthing off about 


You all love it. Brush with fame and all that. Although how this exactly makes you FAMOUS is beyond me. 

Anywhoo... this time around, I went to the Lords of Pain site, the DVD Board (redefining depressing), a stop at tOa, and finally, I went to Online Onslaught... where the Rick says "I'd like to think that OO skewers a more intelligent audience"... yeah, okay. Keep in mind, the dumber quotes here (as well as the ones with the most misspelling), are straight from him. No, I did NOT have to search very long or very hard for them either. 

"Hey Fellow Wrestling Fans!!! I was just wondering if any of you have heard when Steph will be back. Thanks." 

"The South shall rise again! But then we'll have a couple of beers and fall asleep on the recliner...." 

"i've been a proud smark for 8 years" 

"I find it hard to bring together your statements about the WWE, wrestling in general, and yhen your lack of knowledge as to who 'Goldberg' is. It appears to me that you are attempting to provoke a flame and, in such an attempt, being bloody annoying." 

"Ummmm, I can't remember who Bob Ryder is. Who's Bob Ryder?" 

"WOW, AREN'T YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! If the commercial shows like 10 clips of Rey wrestling, and at the end shows Rey's mask... who the f**k else could it be? Of course it's Rey Mysterio, Jr." 

"Dude it totaly was Goldberg. Couldnt you tell???????" 

"You whitebread 13-year-olds actually deserve what Jericho dished out. There's nothing worse than a buncha alleged "wrestling fans" negatively critiquing a match that obviously had truckloads of effort, care and emotion wrapped up in it. If you didn't like the match in the context of the show for x, y or z reason, then that's OK. But to diss the guys for lack of effort or the fact that it didn't look like an earlier match one or two of the participants had sometime ago, shows a lot more ignorance that any of you realize. What Jericho shouldn't have done was voice his displeasure the way he did, which is already opening up a Pandora's Box of socially-challenged cyber-bellyachers with too much freetime on their hands." 

"Eric Bishoff is a pea-brianed asshole who is power hungry and wants total control over everyone." 

"I really hope Nash and HBK get fired, HBK has no use unless he wrestles anyway, and Nash has no use unless he doesnt..unfortunatley we have nash wrestling and michaels not." 

"Terry Funk - pretty sure he was in NWA" 

Hyatte's note: Yeah, he was only NWA WORLD CHAMPION... moron 

"So how much wrestling do you have to do to then be worthy of analyzing matches? Does being in training count, or does it have to be a whole match? David Arquette has wrestled. He's a former world champion. Should we replace Meltzer with Arquette now?" 

"When the ratings started falling last year, people began writing about that, and it was a sign of things to come like people were "wanting" ratings to happen. Sorry, but I dare anyone to not do the job of these performers, but what about the writers? These people are expected to come up with 300 hours of original programming a year. But, we bitch when a feud last too long or not long enough. We bitch if a match is too short or too long. We bitch if someone is talking too long, but bitch if our favorite performer isn't allowed to talk. It's amazing" 

"Is Hunter and Steph still getting divorced? Or am I not supposed to remember that." 

"The New World Order of today--much like it was in 1997--is best suited for the political-minded punch-and-kick masters such as Nash and a useless Shawn Michaels. Guerrero would only serve as the designated jobber for the team (perhaps making X-Pac much more lithe with the massive weight relieved of his shoulders) and be subjected to standing next to Nash in every promo so "Insecure Sexy" can remind everyone watching that he's really, really tall." 

"No amount of acting school is going to save Lance Storm's dull ass personality" 

"F*ck the selling, GIVE ME *MORE* MOVES!" 

"One should also note that Triple H won't job cleanly to Kurt Angle but HULK F'N HOGAN will. What a world." 

"I hope they are not betting on the cartoon clown steroid freak Brock Lesnar." 

"I am sick and tired of people who say that Foley should come back. The man has given you his heart and his soul, he has nearly DIED for you at KOTR of 98 just to entertain you ppl and you just wantto ask him to comeback, hey did u ever think that maybe just maybe he's not fit to wrestle anymore, did u think maybe, just maybe he's not in the mood to risk injuries again? He has writtn two great autobiographies, ppl who want Foley back read them nd ask yourself if you had done all that would u still want to come back? Leave the man in peace." 

"I only agree to the part where you said you were gay. That part was true." 

"the higher power angle was not as bad as the Dungeon of Doom angle where Hulk searches through the Amazon to go find Kevin Sullivan and his master." 

"Your right, i hate's boards they don't allow u to do shit, it like a high school fourm or someting, so don't use it peeps " 

"I don't know why so many on this board are not fans of and cannot appreciate Stephanie McMahon. She is entertaining, good looking, and intelligent and has proven time and time again that she is one of the key players in the success of the WWE." 

"Wrestlers shouldn't be rating their own matches." 

Hyatte's note: Neither should anyone I've ever read on these damn boards 

"I'm trying to figure out when I singled you out and 'flamed' you. All I did was took something you said, and disagreed with it. You singled me out, and insulted me... THEREFORE as per LoP's board rules, I move that Canucks be banned. Those are the rules right? This isn't the 'Asylum', it's the WWE Forum. No flaming allowed. I take offense to his flaming." 

"If fans didn't like Jericho, he wouldn't have gotten over in Stampede, he never would have gotten to WAR from there, and then to ECW, and so on. All performers owe their success to the fans, at least to an extent" 

"Yeah, I'm sure Chris Jericho reads tOA! SIKE! HAHA FREAK GEEK!" 

"I dont know if it's headache that i have right now...but did i read someone wan't to know when Stephanie McJugg's coming back to television. My guess is about 15 seconds just before Triple H is about to win back the Undisputed title. God my headache just got worse just thinking of her screeching." 

"How about we say, 'F*ck WWE for making Rey wear the mask. How DARE they!!' As for the lucha 'tradition', it's entertainment. People in Mexico need to get a grip. Aren't you just happy to see Rey Rey hobble around the ring?" 

"Bret never infurred that Shanw was gay he was reffering to him being sexual frustrated to my understanding. Playgirl magazine is a magazines built for women to look at exclusively hense the title. And I dont have any idea what you're talking about with Tammy Lynn Sytch. As far as I can remember Sytch was still happily with Chris Candildo. I don;t know if youre trying to start bullswhit or if you think you heard something from a bunch of dudes playing video game." 

"As I have said before - you MUST remove Stephanie from the head of the writing team. If Vince will not have the guts to do this - as his recent cave in shows, then maybe Shane will stop biting his tongue and give his real views. With any luck that will tip the scales and Steph can go bye bye. I should point out that I actually rate Steph as a booker - BUT her opinions are being heavily, and unavoidably, manipulated currently due to her relationship habbits." 

"I think Luger's best carreer move was during WM8 where he was working for the WBF" 

"the rock is the best thing to happen to the wwf since...ever. he is gonna be much bigger than hogan assuming no unforseen circumstances. he jobs more than any top superstar and is FAR better than all of them except perhaps austin, ESPECIALLY HHH. him making movies is GOOD for the wwf and he did not walk out like everyone has reminded you of on this thread and he's back so know your role" 

"This is not to even mention old Michinoku Pro, which threw out spotfests so much better than (NWATNA's X Title match) that it's like comparing Please Please Me with Revolver" 

"Chris, my son, look at the ratings. Look at how business was when you are were on top. You are telling people to stop watching and take up bowling, dammit Chris most wrestling fans bought the shoes and the shiny three-holed balls months ago." 

"No they shouldn't push Raven. He sux. They should be pushing guys like Mark Henry, Maven, or Hardcore Holly!" 

"The titles you win don't determine how good you are. Billy Gunn has won more WWF titles than Chris Benoit, does that mean he is better? Uh, hell no." 

"Triple H is the only person who comes close to being "The New Hogan", but not in the good way. HHH is "the new Hogan" in that he doesn't give very meaningful interviews, relies on a limited and very basic moveset, has an incredible physique and limited mobility, has either a decent or bad match depending on his opponent, and seemingly never loses. I won't even get into the backstage politics" 

"Hell, No one was there to see it. Debra could've ran at him with a knife or something. No one is saying. Steve ain't saying. You never know. I'd hit a chick if she went after me first. Forget this macho-BS, if she's doing the shooting, maybe she needs a receipt" 

"It occurs to me (and has probably occured to others)... The WWE probably wanted to put an interview up on their site where a Big Name wrestler puts Austin in his place. But both Taker and HHH wanted to do it, since whoever did would get the same "biggest name" bump that the Rock did when he did the live dressing-down on RAW. So they *both* did it, and now there are two nearly-identical articles up at, one with Taker's name on it, and one with HHH's. Doesn't that seem silly to anyone else?" 

"When Death sleeps, it dreams of you" 

"stephanie is horrible at writing wwe storylines... she needs to be shot" 

"oh i almost forgot another thing about, they are a bunch of taliban-like pussies that want to control us and control what we type, i like OO because it is an American Fourm, where we can say any damn way we please." 

"Now, I hope that for the next 3 weeks the fans will stay absolutely quiet when he is in the ring. No pops, no heat, just dead silence..." 

"You mean Shawn Michales used to wrestle? The only thing I have seen of Michales is his stuff in the nWo, which obviously requires him to talk more than wrestle? Its good to know that he used to be a major player in the WWE. Now that I know of his past contibutions to the WWE I am now even more eager to see him wrestle!" 

"shut up and try to argue with someone who gives a @#%$ bye bye then ta ta" 

"During the Lesnar vs Van Dam match I heard a slight Goldberg chant. Why would the fans be chanting that? It just seemed wierd." 

"From what I saw last night, it looks like Batista and not lesnar is the next Goldberg. Lesnar doesn't have the 'fierce' facial expressions needed to be portrayed in such a role. It's doubtful it will work for him." 

"I've got indy booking experience and work cheap. I'm young, got a good head on my shoulders (155 IQ), and have a unique perspective to offer. You'll be hearing from me every week." 

"You know what WWE really needs....Eric Bischoff! I think Paul Heyman is doing a terrible job. I don't think he was ready for his job. thereis too many people for Paul to take care of. Eric is used to that many people." 

"I am sooooo sick and tired of all these marks (sorry I refuse to use the made up name 'smarks') who want to go on websites and message boards and critique matches. If you have never been in a wrestling ring you don't know what you are talking about so do us all a favor and SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!" 


Oh God... too funny. 

Eric slams headfirst into the week, where the REAL news goes down. Grut has the July 4th gig... and he MAY be drunk. Ashish keeps the weekend nice and updated. 

Your dick's the size of a rats nipple!! TOSSER 

HAW... too funny 

This is Hyatte