The Midnight News 08.12.02 

Posted By Hyatte on 08.12.02

Naked in Seattle, What's On Raw, Want To Wrestle for $$, Want to Write for $$, Borash Must Die, AIM Fun, Goldberg, Tarantino, Comic Books, Flea, and Some Indy Juice 

Um... I realize you're the top dog around 411 for some reason or another, and that everyone kisses your Scott Keith-hating ass in their news reports. But nonetheless, why don't you leave the fiction to people who have some vague idea how to write it, mmkay? 411 already has a great, UNIQUE writer in Joshua Grutman. They don't need you trying to play wordsmith alongside him with your formulaic, pretentious crap. Stick to talking about porn stars and celebrity gossip; it may not be Shakespeare, but at least it's original and authentic. 


He's right, from now on I'll be original, like HIM: The INVENTOR of "mmkay". 

We can handle our women just fine, this Canadian bashing shit just shows the ignorance and intelligence of our so called allies down south. Give it a rest. 

John Hinds 

Hey, Mexicans are neither ignorant NOR intelligent! 

I droped into 411wrestling to see what was going on in the wrestling world. What I got was your colum that I would expect on a porno site. It belongs in the trash - if that's the best you can do, quit. 

John Gollick 

Okay, I will. This will be my last column. I'm pulling a CRZ. 

Just one quick question Where can i find all your old Nitro and Raw Mop-ups? I cant find them anywhere on 411. thanx 

This'll answer that question. 

I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Since last week I shoveled the awesome. And Another Thing: Alexander Wept down your throats (and why shouldn't I? After years of crap from bad writers, you deserve to see something fresh), I thought I'd lighten up this week. Nothing serious. 

By the way, thanks for ALL the nice words. I know, I know. Sometimes, I even surprise myself. 

Been a good couple of weeks for me. Including the AAT above, I finished up a novella and blitzed out another 14'000 word short story in just under ten days. Those who know will know where. 

Kind of a slow rasslin' week this week. So I hit some stuff, then waste everyone's time. The hell, aren't we allowed to have some FUN once in a while, do I have to spend every waking moment analyzing and critiquing and exploring the depths of a professional sort-of sport? For Christ sakes' people... if I do that, I'd be no better than your average Smark... no, I'd still be much better than that, no matter what I did. 

Off we go... 


A few columns ago, I discussed how Seattle is a front runner to host the next Wrestlemania. Well, turns out they in. 

I also tossed in a lame joke that went a lot like this: Kevin Nash is reportedly very excited about this prospect. He already announced plans on getting injured just in time to spend WM weekend at Seattle's many fine strip clubs in lieu of working and signing autographs 


Ahem, anyways... "Loopback" (I don't know why) LIVES in Seattle and in between being jaded and depressed and ironing his flannel, he sent my this update about the Emerald City 

Surely you jest. Seattle sucks for strip clubs, my good man. The only places to go are Portland, OR head up to Vancouver, BC. Seattle has stupid liquor laws, so you can get drunk, or see nudity, but NOT BOTH DAMMIT. Canada allegedly has all the really attractive women, and Portland has the sweet, sweet booze, and no sales tax. The only thing Seattle has is the Lusty Lady, which is semi-famous. 

So there you have it. If you visit Seattle, be prepared to rub up against some redwoods in frustration. And I hear the heroin flows cheap and plentiful over there... like a magic brook of bubbling goodness. 

I'm just happy that Pearl Jam finally died out. Man, I was waiting a loooong time for those clowns to go down. 


The kids are getting PAID, muthafu**a 

The WWE has seen the future, and it involves blowing a ton of spots and making Trish look bad. 

Bautista, John Cena, Nidia, Linda Miles, Jackie Gaydar (Haw, best last name ever), Molly Holly, and Maven are all locked up with extensions. The TE kids are set to collect $52 K for year one, and around 78K for the second year. All the 'mental kids get a set sum at year one which is subject to rise or fall (bet on the latter, bet the RANCH) during the second and third year. 

Meanwhile, Road Dogg is learning how to love Ramon Pride noodles. 8 for a buck. You ain't going wrong six ways to Sunday on that bargain. 

Widro stole this off the Observer rag. Speaking of Widro... 


Whoops, gotta go! 

Widro on AIM, whenever he wants out of a chat but doesn't know how to say goodbye. 

WHOOPS...I love that... adds a little "oomph" WHOOPS... as in "I spilled coffee all over my keyboard!" Hey Widro, I dissed Scooter somewhere in this column... WHOOPS 


Taken from the newsboard earlier this evening: 

"Cable TV Preview For WWE RAW" 

Posted By Ashish on 08.12.02 

Here is the cable TV preview for RAW tonight: 

"The Rock returns to RAW from Australia." 

That's it. That's all there was. 

Come ON, ASHISH!! The HELL kind of report is that? 



In my never ending quest to report week-old news, out in Los Angeles, California two black guys broke into the Messiah’s home and cut off his thumb. The LAPD refuse to speculate if the attack was racial (You understand, the LAPD has had a rough couple of decades). Both assailants were over six feet and pushing at least 230 pounds. When asked for comment, the Messiah said, "I was too busy looking out for the Jews to care about two black guys." 

When asked to comment, one Rabbi said, "Well, if he really is the Messiah, he can sprout that damn thumb right back, can't he?" 

The Internet in general yawned over this news story. Who cares about an Indy slob? 

Former WCW Head of Security, Doug Dillenger, was scene in the area on the day this occurred. Nobody has made any connection to these instances until right now. I SWEAR I WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS, PEOPLE!!!! (I'mlying) 

WILL WRESTLE FOR FOOD!! (oral sex will be c.o.d.) 

Horrible, HORRIBLE title for such a cool story. I apologize to the party who must be under this header. Look at it this way: the headline will REEL THE BASTARDS IN, BABY!!!! 

Talk about one of the better ideas I've seen... ANYONE WHO WANTS TO WORK AS A WRESTLER, read this: 

Since opening it's cyber-doors on July 4, has become a quick contender in the world of "booking websites." To date there are 51 listings for wrestling talent on the site. We have talent of all shapes, experience, sizes, including one half of the Flying Elvis's tag team from NWATNA and former WCW wrestler, Tommy Gunn 

Unlike other booking sites collects no "finders fee" of any kind from people who have listings on the site. We don't even collect a monthly fee. In other words the site is free for wrestling talent and promoters to use. 

"Knowing that any payoff I get from getting booked is all mine makes all the difference in the world to me. Other places must think that there is alot of money in independent wrestling because the fee's they ask for is out of this world. To have a place for guys who don't have the experience and exposure of a Konnan or Disco Inferno is great!" This is just one of the many positive comments that are received from members of the site. 

One basic rule for all to remember. NO BACKYARD KIDS ALLOWED!!!! Get trained and then sign up. 

For more information and to sign up visit 

You want to quit f-ing around? You REALLY want to earn a living at this? Check out the site and give it a whirl. The site offers national and international placement. 

And thank me for the 411 (Haw! The wit) if you get work. The f**k... I slave for you people. 

On a similar vein... 


Being the head writer of the WWE means ol' Stufferfanny McMahon gets to pick and choose her creative staff... although rumor has it HHH has a small hand in it too. 

Anyway, while I was plowing through the message boards last week, I found this on the Classics board. It's a great look at what YOU can expect when you inquire about a writing assignment. Consider it a public service announcement: 

My name is Brandon Finch and I'm an aspiring writer. I live in Oklahoma City and I recently graduated with a Bachelor of Arts. I've been a fan of wrestling for over ten years. Last September I answered HotJobs ad for a writing position. In October I got a letter asking me to resubmit my resume and write two sample storylines. Then in January I had a telephone interview with Stephanie McMahon and WWE for a writing position. 

Even though I didn't get the job I was encouraged to apply again in six months. I was told by Ms. McMahon's assistant, Jennifer Hume that they don't say that unless they are interested. I have tried to make my presence known by submitting my resume and writing samples to various promotions like XWF and WWA. I'm on file for future reference with the WWA. The current situation with the XWF my aspirations have been diminished, but as always I will keep on trying. 

I submitted my resume to NWA/TNA when the site was first open. Even though I was informed to address my cover letter to Jeff Jarrett, it was Bob Ryder that informed me that no openings were available. I have corresponded with Jeremy Borash and submitted a few storyline and gimmick suggestions that have been met with a favorable response. I was told to keep it up as Mr. Borash informed me this is how he got started in WCW. 

I know for the most part none of you really care, but I just wanted to let you know it's not just the wannabe wrestlers that try to aspire to "make it". As the industry has been more open about the behind the scenes part of creating gimmicks and storylines, I know others like myself hope of being a part of the creative process. I just wanted to take this opportunity to perhaps have my voice be heard. 

Like those that aspire to be a professional wrestler I too keep on thinking that I can make it if only given the opportunity to show what I can do. 

Brandon Finch 

There you go. That's how it's done. And as a personal offer to Brandon: Dude, apply three more times, get nice and bitter, start your own column and 411 will SNAP YOU UP JUST LIKE THAT!!! Just bring the *'s and we'll give you the space. 


Hyatte, If you happened to see NWA-TNA Wednesday night, didn’t the backstage brawl between Jerry Lynn and AJ Styles remind you of the two girl scouts who had the barroom brawl in the movie Airplane? 


PS - Kevin Nash still sucks ass 

A) Jesus Christ, you're right 


Anyway, here are some Torch news, and opinions too: 

I still love Goldylocks, love her, love her, LOVE her. Her web site blows, however. 

Scott Hall won't be a round for a while simply because his contract ran out. All fingers point to him coming back, tho'... as his conduct and behavior have been excellent. Jerry Jarrett pronounced him as the "Son-In-Law thank God I never had!" 

They ARE, however, looking at ways to give Ken Shamrock the boot. He has no charisma. He's THE NEXT HHH!!!!! 

Many people think A.J. Stylez makes $800 a night. Low Ki makes $600, or so they say. 

A.J. also has t-shirts out... a first for the group. It says, "WWAJD?" on the front and "TELL GOD TO BLOW HIM FOR A WWE DEAL" on the back. Everyone has a price, people. Even YOUUUUU!!!! 

They also plan on turning A.J. heel. I'll tell you right now, no one will notice. 

When asked why they'll make him heel, Jerry Jarrett said, "Because then those F**king Dagos in New York will think the Sopranos kid is on NWA and order the damn PPV!!" 

May I just say, how DARE that redneck call Italians "Dagos"... scumbag!! They are to be called GUINEA, HAIRY ASS, WOPS and that's IT!!! 

If I may be honest... Can someone PLEASE, rape Jeremy Borash's ass with an AIDS infested Rattlesnake with a lead pipe shoved down it's throat and leave the goddam thing in there while Jeremy is bound, gagged and left naked in the middle of the motherf**king Florida EVERGLADES??? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?? I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM. 

Love Goldylocks tho'. Jason Powell can't understand why they fly her in to Tennessee every week. Jason Powell can't understand smart women and their appeal. This should surprise NO ONE. He spends most of his nights with a MAN NAMED WADE... good God, should I spell it OUT FOR YOU, PEOPLE! 

Torch = FLAMING??? It's right there. 

Oh, and kill the TNA fags. Alan Funk is the opposite of talented. Plus, they give loving, manly homosexuals a bad name... they also give Roy Orbison looking dykes a bad name too. (those bitches scare the piss out of me) 


Hey Hyatte, just thought you might like to know. Saw Rick Scaia on AIM a few days ago, and although I don’t have a actual copy of what I said, I think, if i wrack my brain, I might remember it.....ah, yes: 

OORick signs on at 9:46:35 PM. 

mino: f*ck you OORick 

OORick signs off at 9:46:38 PM. 

keep up the good work 


Maybe the funniest thing ever. WHAT'S THE MATTER RICK? CAN'T HANDLE BEING UNLOVED???? 



Goldberg has been spotted!!!!! 

Pushing a handy, dandy work out deal where it's cables and wires and it offers maximum resistance and all that. It's a piece of shit that ol' Bill seemed to be just inches away from breaking apart. 

He is the worst actor! Compare his work with Hogan's Mr. Nanny and GIVE THE HULKSTER THE OSCAR!!! IT'S THE MOST FUN MOVIE YOU'LL EVER GO... TUTU!!! 


Forced filler? I'll do a two thousand word Leno monologue next week and make the entire audience run away. I'll call myself "Uncle Chris" and jam my fake coolness down everyone's throat. That sound good? Didn't think so. 

1) XXX: Gross: $46 mil... After the huge blow outs this summer... poor Vin looks positively limp. Anyone stop to think that maybe we LIKE James Bond? 

2) Signs: Gross: $30 mil Going pretty strong. Only a 40% drop 

3) Spy Kids 2: Gross: $17 mil. That's not good. Could the magic appeal of Antonio Bandares be FADING???? 

4) Goldmember: Gross: 13.1 mil. Two weeks ago, this movie made 75 million. Look at that drop. 

5) Blood Work: Gross: $7.2 mil. There was a time Clint could sell two hours of him licking used Q-Tips. Alas... alas. 

And let's hand over a cool 5.1 million to Master of Disguise. Dana Carvey made himself a nice, profitable little film for the summer. Bully for him. 


By the way, Terry Taylor's column over at Scoops is consistently one of the most interesting reads on the Web. A few weeks ago, Terry talked about wrestling Ric Flair in the kind of in-depth manner that losers like me can only guess at. Last week, Taylor talked about life under the book of Dusty Rhodes. An awesome column and you should all be reading it religiously. There's more insight in one of his columns then there is in 1'000 Midnight News and 1'000 Torches and a 1'0000 "Rants" I'm not bullshitting you either. You will not be disappointed, unless you only read stuff that pisses on the business. 

Free plugs galore, baby. 


Yes, another bitchfest at everyone's favorite whiny hippie.... 

No, NO of course not. ("Why is Hyatte being like this?" Flea: "How should I know? Ask him!") Instead, this is about Quentin Tarantino!! 

True Romance? rocked. Reservoir Dogs? Oh please. Pulp Fiction? Only created a new genre. Jackie Brown? Had it's moments. Even that first five minutes of Natural Born Killers, the only thing he takes credit for, is a cult classic. 

Now we get Kill Bill... his latest, now shooting. 

No irony here, just straight up, balls out, slash and dash action with blood, gore, funk, and MAJOR props to Sergio Leon and Kurasawa. Lots of swordsplay, lots of chop suey karate... lots of nifty ass dialogue... TARANTINO IS BACK, BABY!!!! And it's Uma Thurman kicking some SERIOUS ass. Female's are gettin' it DONE!! 

Why am I reporting this? Easy. I read the script. It's posted online. I don't know if it's legit... but you read it and tell me if it doesn't smell completely like Tarantino's work. 

And it's 222 pages long... because whoever posted it is a moron. 

I wanted to include a sample from the script, see if you like it then I'll show you where to get the whole deal. 

The following is a sequence somewhere in the middle of the flick, but towards the end of the second act. It cut it up into two digestible parts, Uma Thurman plays "The Bride", to give you a visual reference: 

KILL BILL: An excerpt: 

On her belly, Hattori Hanzo sword in sheath in hand, she crawls across the desert floor towards Budd's trailer. 


Somewhere in the vast outdoors a cat jumps on a rat. Their fight makes a LOUD racket. The Bride stops and buries her face in the dirt. 

From inside the trailer, we hear the needle being lifted off the phonograph. 

From a distance we see: The shadowy figure of Budd looking out the window of the camper. The Bride keeps her face in the dirt. 

The figure of Budd at the window, seems to dismiss the sound he heard for what it was -- a rat meeting its end at the claws of a cat. The curtain closes again. The needle is placed back on the phonograph. 

CU The BRIDE: face in the dirt...One Mississippi...Two Mississippi...her eyes look up towards the trailer...All's clear...She begins crawling towards the trailer again. ...She's now right outside the trailer home...We can hear the sound of Budd sitting in a chair rocking back and forth. She hears the sound of a screw top unscrewed...The sound of pouring in a glass...The sound of a glass being laid heavy on 

a table. 

Crouched low on the balls of her feet, she, with great care, slowly and silently unsheathes her Hanzo sword. 

Through the bottom slit in the door, she sees the distorted image of Budd's feet on the floor. She slowly rises...removes her black stocking cap...blonde hair falls around her 

shoulders...sword in right hand...left hand grabs the front doorknob... 

QUICK as a Texas lizard on glass -- She brings the sword's handle down hard on the door lock -- EX CU Cheap Lock Busting. She flings the front door open... 

The BRIDE'S POV: Brother Budd sitting calmly in a rocking chair, moving back 

and forth to the Texas twang on his turntable, cradling a DOUBLE-BARREL SHOTGUN aimed right at The Bride. 

SERGIO LEONE CU: The Bride Blinks. 

Both barrels BLAST in our face. 

The BRIDE standing in the doorway is HIT SMACK DAB in the chest, and PROPELLED THROUGH the AIR BACKWARDS. Landing hard on her back in the dirt. Budd casually rises from his rocking chair and lifts the needle off the phonograph, cutting off the music. Then with shotgun in hand, stands in the doorway of the trailer looking down at The Bride. 

BUDD'S POV: The Bride laid out in the dirt below him -- Sword separated from her grasp -- Bloody mess down her front -- Groan from her throat. Budd steps down from the trailer onto the dirt, standing over The Bride. 

BUDD: "Bet your sweet ass that don't sting like a bitch." 

More groans coming out of The blood splattered Bride. 

BUDD: "You done got a double dose of rock salt, right in the ole tit. Now not havin tits as fine or as big as yours, I can't even imagine how bad that shit stings..." 

He lowers down on his haunchers, over her. 

BUDD: "..But I don't wont to neither." 

The Bride, hurting and incapacitated from the shotgun blast, still nevertheless defiant, SPITS a gob of bloody saliva, right in ole Budd's face. 

Budd, gob of spit running down on his cheek and nose. The cowboy removes a red bandanna from his back pocket, and wipes away the goo. Then his eyeballs go down to the spitter. 

BUDD: "Now I know when it comes to a rock salt burn, you're feelin pretty much like a expert bout now. But truth be told, you ain't felt all rock salt's got to offer till you took a double dose in your backside." 

With the help of his cowboy boot he rolls The Bride over onto her stomach, exposing her butt. SNAPPING the barrel closed, he takes aim and FIRES both barrels -- EXECUTION STYLE -- right into her keister. 

The Bride does the one thing she has yet to do with any opponent during the movie up till now. Her head rears back and she lets out a SCREAM! 

BUDD: "That gentled ya down, didn't it? Yep...ain't nobody a badass with two barrels of rock salt dug deep in their backyard." 

THEN... Almost mercifully, the man once known as "Sidewinder," sticks a syringe in her arm, dropping her unconscious. THEN... Knocking down a swig of Jack Daniels, he removes a small silver cell phone from his pants pocket, raises the antenna, and presses one button on the panel. 

INT. ELLE DRIVER'S GYM - NIGHT: The six-foot tall, long-haired blonde with the codename "California Mountain Snake," is doing a savage boxing workout with her COACH. This is one white bitch who can kick some serious F*CKIN ass. With one mighty blow from her huge right arm (synched to the sound of a CAR CRASH), her boxing Coach buys the farm. Elle on cell phone. We cut Back and Forth. 

ELLE: "Bill?" 

BUDD: "Wrong brother, you hateful bitch." 

ELLE: "....Budd?" 

BUDD: "Bingo." 

ELLE: "And what do I owe this dubious pleasure? 

BUDD: "I just caught me the cowgirl, ain't never been caught." 

This gets Elle's attention. 

(edited for space constraints) 

CUT TO: OVERHEAD SHOT - EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT We look down on a spooky Texas graveyard... Tombstones...Graves...Dirt...Low-hanging fog. This could be the opening shot of a Texas zombie movie. We also see TWO MEN WITH SHOVELS (one which is Budd, the other which is ERNIE) digging up a grave. Budd's beat-to-shit pickup is in the shot too. Its headlight beams shining on the two men. And last but not least, The Bride, bound and gagged, lying in the flatbed f Budd's pickup. 

The BRIDE she begins to come to from the shot in her arm. Some dried blood lies caked around her wounds. Rope binds her wrists tightly together in front of her. A big leather cowboy belt is wrapped tight around her cherry brown cowboy boots. Her eyelids flutter open...and she sees stars. A giant, black Texas night sky full of them. She has no idea where she is. She turns her head to the left and sees, Back window and Cab of truck. She turns her head to the right and sees, Hatch Gate to flatbed. She listens...she hears, Crickets...The sound of Two Men Digging...One of the Men says something to the other in Spanish... 

THEN... She hears one of the Shovels HIT something buried... The Two Men speak to each other in Unsubtitled Spanish... THEN... We hear them Lifting something heavy, we might assume is a coffin. The Bride however knows not what to think. BOOM...They set it down. She hears boots approaching the flatbed, The crunching of leaves leading in her direction... 

TILL... With a CLANG and a SCRAPE the latches on the Gate of the flatbed are Yanked Out, and it lowers open with a CRASH. Revealing Budd, looking down on her. 

BUDD: "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey." 

The grabs her by her collar, and yanks her out of the truck. She FALLS to the dirt HARD. Once in the dirt, The Bride sees an Old Coffin that's been dug up. Next to it is a brand new pine box coffin, straight out of "Fistful of Dollars." And a freshly dug grave, with a pile of dirt next to it, in front of an old tombstone that reads; "PAULA SCHULTZ." 

Budd and Ernie stand over her. The Bride just GLARES up at the two tormentors, with the only weapon she has left, the contempt in her stare. Budd turns to Ernie and says in SPANISH, subtitled in English; 

BUDD (SPANISH): "Look at those eyes. This bitch is furious. You grab her feet, I'll get her head. (ENGLISH) Got anything to say?" 

The Bride knows how these fiends derive satisfaction, and she won't give it to them. 

BUDD (SPANISH): "In America white women call this the silent treatment. (laughing) And we let 'em think, we don't like it." 

The two fiends laugh, then bend down to lift The Bride and carry her over to the pine box. She struggles with her bound legs and arms...Both men DROP her to the ground. Budd whips out a can of mace from his pocket. 

BUDD: "Hey hey hey, wiggle worm, look at this." 

He holds the can of mace spray by her eyes. She stops. Her eyes go to the nozzle of the spray can, then to Budd. 

BUDD: "Looky here bitch, this is a can of mace. Now you're goin underground tonight, and that's all there is to it. But, when I bury ya, I was gonna bury you with this." 

He removes a flashlight from behind his back and turns on the beam. 

BUDD: "But if you're gonna act like a horse's ass, I'll spray this whole Goddamn can in your eyeballs. Then you'll be blind, burnin, and buried alive. So what's it gonna be sister?" 

Her eyes move to the right, indicating the flashlight. 

BUDD: "You may be stupid, but at least you ain't bloody stupid." 

The two men lift up The Bride, and carry her over to the pine box and place her in. Budd puts the flashlight inside. He picks up the pine lid, and is just about to place it over the coffin... 

WHEN...He locks eyeballs with The Bride...her eyes hold his for as long as she can, THEN...he places the lid over her face, closing the coffin. THEN...with a hammer and nails the two men seal the coffin shut. 

INT. PINE BOX Dark, excerpt for the cracks of light seeping through between the lid and the box. However with each nail pounded in, more lights is cut off... TILL...the only light left, is the crack by The Bride's head. The last hammered nail obliterates that light source. The Bride lies in TOTAL DARKNESS. 

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT. The two men lift the pine box, and set it in the grave. Budd scoops up a shovel full of dirt... 

INT. PINE BOX EX CU HER FINGERS turn on the flashlight. CU The BRIDE LIT by the flashlight beam... BAM...a shovel of dirt has just landed hard on the lid, making The Bride jump... 


...More dirt. She reacts again. 


The dirt just keeps falling, the bams becoming softer with each new shovelful. The Bride is starting to perspire...her breathing becoming more rapid and panicked...her heartbeat begins to echo inside the pine box. We've never seen her like this before. 

She's starting to lose it...She lets out a SCREAM...She SCREAMS again...Her bound-at-the-wrist hands move to the lid...She pounds on it...Her bound feet kick up at it...She starts to cry...She's getting hysterical...Her fingers begin clawing at the wood lid...TILL... They're ripped open and bleeding... Leaving Blood Trails on the wood. TILL... She exhausts herself. All this while, she's been screaming the words we can't even imagine coming out of her mouth; 

THE BRIDE: "Help me." 

BOOM... there ya go. A teeny, tiny taste of what's to come. 

Wanna read the whole thing? I have to tell you, if he pulls off even half what this script is saying, we are in for a treat. It's so visual, you'll want to see the movie MORE after reading the script. 

Here you go. Now admit it, this is MUCH nicer than ANOTHER "Top Ten List Of Things The WWE Can Do To Improve" column, or do you LIKE homo little * ratings? 


HAW... F*ck you 

1) Hire Me 

That's all I've got. Oh, 2-10 hire all my enemies so I can fire them... in fact, hire Scooter FOUR TIMES IN A ROW so I can fire him FOUR TIMES IN A ROW. 


You folks are doing GREAT with sending out those quotes from days gone by. Keep it up. It'll be a rocking closer in a couple of weeks. I've got a SHITLOAD, already/ 

BUT, I'm hoping for more material PRE-1994 and back. If you can't go back to the days before 3:16, then I'm fairly sure you'll just send me stuff I already have. 

Here... more TASTES... MORE TEASES... MORE APPETIZERS.... to make you laugh and pump ya' up... here we go: 

What are you gonna tell me, Schiavone?! You can shoot someone outside the ring but it’s OK as long as it’s outside the ring?! You know…YOU’RE EVEN DUMBER THAN MONSOON!!! I THOUGHT GORILLA WAS THE STUPIDEST GUY ALIVE!!!- Jesse Ventura 

I have to hand it to you, Bret Hart - your feet are the smelliest there are, the smelliest there were, and the smelliest there ever will be.-Lawler, after losing the Kiss My Foot match 

You know why there were only 220 Mexicans at the Alamo? They only had one car.-Bobby Heenan 

I once again would like to give this award to somebody who's taught me everything I know, and has had me down on the mat more times than I could possibly remember--no Sunny, not you, sit down!- Shawn Michaels 

If my head was another 2 centimeters to the right, I would have hit those monitors. I probably could have died. But hey, at least I'd get the Kaboom of the Night.-Mick Foley 

You think you're tough? (spits on the ground) Well pick that up!-Jimmy Jack Funk to a backstage interviewer 

... all the Mexicans from Mexico--Sid Vicious 

Slap me!-Ken Shamrock to his 'sister' Ryan, in the loudest, clearest called spot ever heard. 

We need cheese and midgets!!- Al Snow, campaigning to be commissioner. 

I'm like a tea-bag brewing in a sea of insanity.-Foley (Cactus Jack days) 

You talk about how the WWF is screwing you, how Vince McMahon is screwing you, well son I ain't bringing a condom to the ring.-Steve Austin talking about Bret Hart 

I hear X-Pac isn't very popular in the back.-Jerry Lawler 

What? Everybody likes X-Pac-Jim Ross 

Are you kidding? People have to get in line to hate!-Jerry Lawler 

Ric Flair! The Macho Man says don't buy any unripe bananas! 'CAUSE YOU WON'T BE AROUND TO EAT 'EM!- Randy Savage 

You know this is my second favorite song-Bobby Heenan, in reference to Tito Santana's entrance music 

Oh, I'm afraid to ask. What's your favorite?-Gorilla Monsoon 

All the rest are tied.-Heenan 

This mind's man...excuse me, this man's mind -Sid Vicious 

It truly boggles the mind. 


The Torch Newsletter is saying that Mike Sanders is blaming Paul Heyman for losing his WWE Developmental deal, claiming that he was sandwiched in between the war between Kevin Nash and Heyman. He is also saying Heyman was envious of his announcing skills since he tried out as a WWE announcer while Heyman was filling in for Jerry Lawler last year. 

He also blames the Internet for ignoring him, "Here I am, one of the most productive, useful workers around, and everyone ignored me! I mean, NO one of substance paid attention to me!" In an odd bit of irony, he cites 411 wrestling as one of his favorites sites. Go figure. 

Hey, I liked the guy. 

There was no reason for this story. Other than it bleeds perfectly into THIS one... 


A little bird dropped me a line about some action, and some action going down over at the HWA (Heartland Wres... oh, you know the friggin' place, probably better than me). I'll focus on the action heh heh heh... ho ho ho... 

These nuggets are right from HIS (or HER...ah haa! a clue!) letter: 

-a couple of the developmental guys are married, but that doesn't stop them from porking other women, no sir! Since the wives don't move out to Cinci, the boys are all alone, and when the boys are all alone, they get lonely, and the rats come calling. 

Workers have RATS?? Get OUT!!! 

Now he names a couple of names.... since I don't want to get anyone in TROUBLE... (from what some people tell me, I'd be STUNNED at who reads this column... I would too, really. I figure you're all 16 years old). 

-(former WCW star who's two "partners" are in the WWE), when he was still under contract, was slamming a rather ugly (great bod tho) Hispanic chick on the side. It was pretty funny because he would take his rat out to restaurants during the week, and then when his wife flew in 2 or 3x a month, he'd take her to the same restaurants, sometimes the day after he took his rizzat. A lot of the boys are waiters, so he was seen quite often by many of the boyz. His wife BTW is OK, you'd think he could do better tho. She's anorexic skinny w/ bleached blond hair, kinda attractive, maybe a model. (former WCW star who's two "partners" are in the WWE) is a model as well, so maybe they met at an agency. 

I've done that... taken the girlfriend and the "F-buddy" to the same restaurant during the same week. Hey guys, 'fess up... isn't it the COOLEST? Oh man, you feel like such a "playa" 

-(A Guy I never heard of. First name rhymes--appropriately--with "Pants")- he's married to an absolutely stunning Tejano lady, gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. She is a real sweetheart too. They have a kid, who comes to all the shows and he is adorable. The wife reminds me of that singer Selena, or mabe Catherine Zeta Jones. Just a knockout. So who does "Pants" slam on the side? A f*cking repulsive beast who works in the gym a lot of the boys work out at. A nasty skinny Arab girl with the sex appeal of a dead raccoon. How Lance can bone her is beyond me, its like going from Elizabeth Hurley to androgynous "Pat" (from SNL). I guess he's just a horny mofo. 

-The Island Boyz- These guys not only are huge, but they will be HUGE stars. They can go, they have a good look, and they come off the top at least once a match. Flying 340 and 390 lb. Samoans-how can you go wrong? And they're nice guys too. 

See, not all gossip is BAD... or even really GOSSIP 

-Steve Bradley- how they could let him go is beyond me. HE's a great heel, he has that natural asshole aura about him, and he's gold on the mic. And the wwe has a huge shortage of heels! Its a perfect fit. Watch- he'll go home for a year, juice up like all the other 5'10 guys (Jericho, Benoit), come back looking like Johnny the Bull, get signed and then pushed right away on TV. Oh yeah- wait til you see Bradley's triple moonsault-off the bottom rope, off the middle, off the top, done in quick succession. 

Okay, good. Good points for an up and comer 

-BTW, Johnny TB is not the sharpest knife in the drawer and a kinda shitty worker-can't really "go", has to be led from spot to spot and can't improvise. Of course, he did start out at the Power Plant, so maybe its not his fault. 

Heh... too true, too true. 

Remember, even though I tried to hide the names, none or all of this might be true or bullshit. Pick and choose what you like to believe. 

Of COURSE the guy (or GIRL) is legit. He (or SHE) ended the letter by saying "Later Gater" Could do without those “zz”s jammed in some of those words, though. 

Which reminds me, I LOVE that new Gatorade spot that plays on WWE programming. Old white guys getting FUNKY. 


Since people with zero imaginations, when looking to really flame me, usually resort to comparing me to "Comic Book Guy" (no goatee, full head of hair, six feet, 215 pounds. Yup, the mirror image), I figure I might as well do some comic book news from time to time. 

Recently, over at Grayhaven Magazine, there has been a multi-part series on marvel's secret plan to reboot their ENTIRE line and make every hero 19 year old troubled teenagers. It's called the ULTIMATE LINE! Stared with Ultimate Spider-Man and is ending... who knows? 

Now, nothing's official yet, but one of the writers is slowly leaking evidence that Marvel is heading in that direction... including a listing of the Ultimate line vs the "Marvel Traditional" Line in terms of sales. You might find this interesting. If not, scroll down. I won't be mad. 


New X-Men: sold 106'000 units 

Ultimate X-Men: sold 95'000 units. 

Avengers: sold 54'000 units 

The Ultimates: sold 107'000 units 

Amazing Spider-Man: sold 96'000 units 

Ultimate Spider-Man: sold 78'000 units 


New X-Men: sold 104'000 units 

Ultimate X-Men: sold 95'000 units. 

Avengers: sold 53'000 units 

The Ultimates: sold 103'000 units 

Amazing Spider-Man: sold 93'000 units 

Ultimate Spider-Man: sold 78'000 units 


New X-Men: sold 104'000 units 

Ultimate X-Men: sold 95'000 units. 

Avengers: sold 54'000 units 

The Ultimates: sold 103'000 units 

Amazing Spider-Man: sold 99'000 units 

Ultimate Spider-Man: sold 84'000 units 


New X-Men: sold 103'000 units 

Ultimate X-Men: sold 94'000 units. 

Avengers: sold 53'000 units 

The Ultimates: sold 102'000 units 

Amazing Spider-Man: sold 99'000 units 

Ultimate Spider-Man: sold 84'000 units 


New X-Men: sold 100'000 units 

Ultimate X-Men: sold 93'000 units. 

Avengers: sold 51'000 units 

The Ultimates: sold 99'000 units 

Amazing Spider-Man: sold 97'000 units 

Ultimate Spider-Man: sold 83'000 units 


New X-Men: sold 99'000 units 

Ultimate X-Men: sold 93'000 units. 

Avengers: sold 51'000 units 

The Ultimates: sold 102'000 units 

Amazing Spider-Man: sold 99'000 units 

Ultimate Spider-Man: sold 92'000 units 

Man, those are spooky numbers. The Avengers are getting their asses WHUPPED. The punk Spidey is moving in on the original. And the "New" X-Men are feeling the heat too. 

Now, Grant Morrison writes the New X-Men and... well, apparently, Marvel is trying to bust his balls. 

Phil Jimenez, who may be a high profile GAY artist (ugh, how does he sharpen his pencils? NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!) was hired by Marvel to draw the New X-Men to ignite boosting sales and piss off Morrison. 

See, Morrison used to write--created, in fact--The Invisibles for Vertigo. Well, the only time The Invisibles sold was when Jimenez drew it. Morrison, who's ego is rather massive, HATES it when someone credits Jimenez with any success The Invisibles may have had. So he's resentful 

Morrison's preferred X-artist, Frank Quietly, is pissing off Marvel because he works so slow that normally, they need a fill-in artist to finish. They can't fire him because they want to keep Morrison reasonably happy, especially since they'd like him to launch the Ultimate Fantastic Four book. So Quietly got the boot and Jimenez is in and Morrison's FURIOUS!!!! 

This is... so gay. WHERE'S JOHN BYRNE??? HOW COME BYRNE AIN'T KICKING ASS AND SHOWING THESE PUNKS HOW IT'S DONE??? (that is a rhetorical question, so don't answer) 

I refuse to buy a single comic book again until they bring back Dazzler 

You may thank Jesse for this info... good luck hunting him down. 


not sure if you noticed... 

Bruce Springsteen recently released a new album, which to some, is a continuation of a long line of thought provoking songs and lyrics, while to others, is a great big pile of steaming New Jersey shit, something that you can never escape, only prolong 

While New Jersey is best known for Springsteen, it is also known for a who's who list of wrestlers, among which are Bam Bam Bigelow and DDP, better known as Diamond Dallas Page 

Not far from New Jersey is Al's Diamond Cabaret, one of the most famous "adult clubs" in the Northeast, well known for catering to an exclusive crowd as well as featuring the finest exotic dancers on the "strip club" circuit 

Exotic Adrian Street once graced our screen as a character who "pushed the envelope" as far as "gay" characters go, much like Billy and Chuck are doing today, not to mention Lenny and Bruce, who are currently mainstays in the NWA-TNA 

The NWA-TNA, of course, owned by Jerry Jarrett and allegedly financed by many different people, once of which (allegedly) is 

The owner of 



Flea, who really hates Bruce... and will tell you to go blow a rhino cock if you think different. Go ahead, try. 

By the way, I won't get his CD, not my musical taste... but doesn't it feel nice to have Bruce and the E-Street band back on the airwaves? It's like... "okay, NOW things are back to normal" 

Flea called me a "cocksucker" in his column. What an ungrateful bitch. Wait 'till I get my hands on his young, seven year old daughter.... mwahahahahahaaa... I'll make a woman out of her QUICKLY. 


Well, there's this. If you get bored. 

Pat Brower recapped Velocity. And he also declares his love for pudding. The F*ck is wrong with these people? 

If you can't stand the 

Heat then get out of Brad Jennette's way, goddammit. (Yeesh, lame by even my standards) 

You know, I once banged a Indian girl (not native, a dothead) named "Bacoj". I used to call her my little "Bacon". I just noticed that "Bacoj" spelled backwards is "Jacob" and Jacob Ziegler recapped this week's Confidential. I think it means I banged Jacob's mother... which probably means I'M YOUR DADDY, JACOB!!! WHO'S YOUR DADDY???? 

Jim Vanderhorst banged the living crap out of a bottle of Pepsi and liked it so much, he put "Pepsi" in his AOL screen name. He's Canadian. 

He's also comparing Wrestling to Comic Books Hey, what does The Clone Saga and the Undertaker have in common? Neither one ever sold a f**king thing BWAHAHAHAHAHA 

Daniels spares a glance at the week in wrestling and discusses this trend of "Born Again Virgins". Hey girls, if we need a snorkle to stay in there a'while, you ain't foolin' JACK SHIT 

Blake Norton makes one of his semi-regular visits and tells everyone the damn truth about HHH We're lucky to have him. 

Hey look, a Smark column!. The Great Wesuke fills a column up with various nuts & bolts, shits & giggles. Could someone explain the name to me? 

And now... let's blast off with a few words from the greatest wrestling/Elvis impersonator of all time... 


The webmaster got me in. Now, HTM is charging only $4.95 a month for you to get in. They've got chats, message boards, commentary, and Honky will be interviewing people too. 

I say, try's only $5. In fact, Flea's running a contest for a free pass.. I told you he'd spring for it. 

Think being a well known superstar is easy? Think again... 

Honky Tonk Man to press charges against XWF promoter 

HTM is set to file Bad Check charges against Texas promoter Tom Lance. HTM spoke with the Texas Attorney General's office last week and was informed by the authorities that Lance has violated Texas penal code 32.41 for knowingly passing a bad check. If convicted of the charges, Lance could get several months in jail. 

Lance is an independent East Texas promoter who runs shows under the "Superstars of Wrestling" name. He has been involved on a few occasions with the fledging XWF. Lance was the PR (ass kisser) man for the XWF Texas events that were a complete failure. 

Lance wrote HTM the bad check for payment of airfare. HTM went to the airport to fly to Texas last month. He was turned away at the gate and was told Lance's credit card payment had bounced. HTM had worked for Lance several times and thought he could trust him to repay the ticket money. HTM paid for the ticket and made Lance's show. 

Lance was apologetic about the credit card scam and proceeded to write HTM a hot check for the plane ticket. 

Lance knew full well the check was bad when he wrote it. He had hot checks bouncing from a show a few weeks earlier in Lawton, Oklahoma. HTM found out about the hot checks from the Oklahoma promoter who was also stiffed by Lance. Lance did not have the guts to call HTM in advance to say the check was hot. When HTM confronted Lance ten days later, Lance said he was taking care of it and would get a money order out that day to cover the check. 

After another six days, HTM confronted Lance again. Lance said he was having some financial trouble but had sent the money the day before in the mail. Lance lied again. He never sent anything. Now we have no choice, Lance is going to jail. I hope to have him arrested before his next show. 

On an end note, Lance told HTM he had three more dates coming up, but since I made a stink about the bad check, he couldn't use me anymore. 

F*ck you Lance. I would never work for you again. I don't give a shit if you run 100 shows. How many checks will you bounce next time? Where did you get the money to run the shows if you can't pay your bills? Some of the money is mine and I am going to get it if I have to follow you to hell, you sorry f*ck. It is guys like you who make it hard on the "good" indy promoters. They should get together and kick your "check bouncing ass." 

I only wish he would shout: "You fu*ked with the wrong Marine!!" I love it when he does that. 

Oh man... I have gots to bail. 

Think Aerosmith will "surprise" the MTV VMA awards by singing and playing back-up to Eminem on that "Dream On" song he samples? Does a bear shit in the woods? 

Think Bruuuuce will turn it up that night and show these kids how it is F**KING DONE?? Bet your sweet, cherry ass he will. Get ready, come August 29, school WILL be in session! 

This is Hyatte