The Midnight News 09.09.02 

Posted By Hyatte on 09.09.02

Raw, Dreamer, a Hurricane in Hollywood, Bad Ass, The Rooster, Classic Ryder, Alexa's Back, Net Nonsense, 90's Quotes, Waffles, Comics, Flea, Luger, and Honky 

I'm Chris and this is the Mid(MORNING)night News. 

I don't have much to say here. Got some good leads on various ways to steal cable... I should be back up and running before all the Fall shows premiere. So that's cool. 

In the meantime, I've been working on a big project which YOU should start seeing the result of next week. I've dropped clues here and there in this column. You'll figure it out. 

That's it... let's jam.. 


What'll be on Raw tomorrow? 

Triple H and LOTS OF HIM!! 

Thank you. 


Tommy Dreamer's tears on Raw a couple of weeks ago were REAL TEARS... says the Torch Newsletter. He's always been a very emotional boy and seeing the final end of anything Hardcore sent him over the edge. He saw that last Hardcore match as the end to what he spent his career embodying. 

No one is mocking him for it either. It's well known that Tommy D believed in "extreme" and "The Bingo Hall" more than anyone else. 

Personally, I just think Dreamer was sad that he'll finally have to learn how to apply a headlock for the first time in his career. 


WINONA Ryder, that is... Torch Newsletter says that Hurricane Helms is currently wearing braces on his teeth ("Like Tom CRUISE!!!") because he wants to be PERFECT enough to get some work in Hollywood. He complains that he can't wear a mouthpiece in the ring because... well... it's kind of important to breathe in there... ya know? 

Let's hope no casting agent has seen Helms' promo-work. Poor boy makes Arnold look like Sir Anthony Hopkins. ("Step Back.... there is a HURRICANE.... coming.... through!") 


Smackdown's doing the Billy Gunn/Chuck Palumbo gay wedding this week. 

Whether it really happens or not, there is one fact that cannot be ignored... 

It's ALL been downhill since Gunn was out-wrestled, out-worked, out-performed, and out-WINDED by Chris Benoit a couple of years ago on PPV (I forget which one) 

Remember that nightmare? There was Billy, sucking for oxygen and completely drained of all energy trying his damndest to keep up with Benoit... who hardly even broke a sweat. 

Quite simply, it killed his career... now witness what he has to do now. 



You tell me, was someone trying to scam me into something here? I edited "her" name, just in case. 

P(delete)things (8:26:00 PM): oh you are man who write wrestling, yes? I am fan very much! 

Hyatte1com (8:26:52 PM): you, thank 

P(delete)things (8:28:05 PM): tell me I am valet in NY, very much I am want to be NWA or WWE. What do valet do become big star? 

Hyatte1com (8:29:00 PM): I have no idea whatsoever, sorry 

P(delete)things (8:29:29 PM): oh well I am thank you for be nice to me! 

P(delete)things (8:29:40 PM): other wrestling man will not talk to me I am so sad 

Hyatte1com (8:29:52 PM): not a problem 

That was it. I right away smelled a rat.... someone trying to lure me into a trap... probably one of Scaia's useless clowns. 

Gotta work MUCH harder to fool Hyatte, chumps... I am MUCH smarter than all of you. 


Every time Terry Taylor writes a column for Scoops, it's a treat. 

In his latest, he talks about how he agreed to help promote a small show in Jackson, Mississippi with Tommy Parker. Parker promised Taylor that he had the financing, facility, and talent and all Taylor had to do was bring the stars. 

Taylor called and snagged guys like Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Shane Douglas, Simon Diamond, Johnny Swinger, Larry Zbyszko, Scott Hudson, and Ted DiBiase. Hell, many of them, including Taylor himself, agreed to DRIVE to the show in order to save the guy some money... Zbyszko and Hudson both agreed to drive 450 miles to the show. Taylor and his partner paid to fly in, and were promised to be re-reimbursed for it. 

Well, he got to Jackson and called his wife to get his e-mail messages... Taylor's wife read one from Tommy Parker which said: 

To whom it may concern, 

My financial backer didn’t come through with the money promised. I have no alternative but to cancel the show. I have been fired from my job at the radio station and to complete the trifecta -my wife has left me. I am boarding a flight to Miami to secure funds to cover each one of your guarantees. 

I’m sorry. 

Tommy Parker 

Now Taylor's pissed... he paid $200 for a plane ticket and $75 for the rental. His partner paid $415 for his ticket. These guys are not SWIMMING in dough, kids. 

Taylor called the radio station that Parker worked at. He wasn't fired, he just took the day off. 

Taylor called Parker's home. Parker's wife told him she did NOT leave her husband and he DIDN'T go to Miami. In fact, he was right there "sitting on the couch, moping" as they spoke. 

So, after covering for his partner's ticket out of his own pocket, Taylor's wasted his time to the tune of $615 dollars. He has kept trying to contact Tommy Parker for an explanation, but Parker's ducking him like the scumbag that he is. 

Taylor wants to know what kind of douchebag would do this... and since HE can't reach him... Taylor asked if YOU could. 

So, he POSTED THE GUY'S CELL PHONE NUMBER!! 337-519-9626 at home or 337-365-3434 at work... if you are sick of WEASELS in this business as Taylor is. 

Al Isaacs letting people post other people's phone numbers on his site? WOW, times have changed. 

Speaking of which... 


This is from a couple of years ago... 1999 actually. Mick Foley's first book just came out and... well, something happened that cracked me up. 

It all started when Bob Ryder had THIS to say on the 1con: 

I'm having a hard time getting my hands on the new Mick Foley book. I had hoped to start reading it on the flight to Minneapolis, but Books A Million was sold out, and the airport bookstores didn't have a copy either. I guess that's great news for Mick. From all indications, he's got a runaway best seller on his hands. I'm going to try to find a copy in Minneapolis, and if not...I'll probably do what I should have done to begin with....order online. 

Okay... not bad. No problem. But a day or so later LOOK WHAT TURNED UP ON THE AMAZON.COM BOOK REVIEW LIST!!!!!!! 

Bob Ryder ( from All You can eat Buffet , October 28, 1999 

Mick Foley is a SICK man and a danger to society! Mick Foley finally lets us in on what the WWF is trying to do to today's youth! Turn them all into SATAN WORSHIPING FLESH FEINDS! The man is just plain sick and he should be eliminated from the gene pool before he reproduces any further! I am a long time fan of wrestling and own one of the Internets leading wrestling Its a really cool site with plenty of shilling for WCW (World Championship Wrestling). This is where Mick (then known as Cactus Jack) wrestled before he went to the WWF. In WCW, he had an opportunity to succeed and he just blew it! Mostly due to a lack of effort. Mick of course, does not mention this little fact in his book. Believe me when I tell you, I know everything there is to know about Wrestling and how it should be produced and delivered to the masses. If WCW is not involved, then it is a total waste of time and probably harmful! This book is just like Mick and the WWF. Its just plain obscene! Save yourself from the cost of this book and just send the money to me so I can buy a new set of Eric Bischoff knee pads! Or, just send me donuts! 



I posted that in the Mop-Up just a week or two after I posted Bob's home phone number and Scoops was already rip-roaring pissed at me. Upon reflection... it was probably overkill... BUT WHO COULD PASS THAT UP!! 

And Bob, of course, denied writing that review and blamed ME for doing it under his name. Of course it wasn't him... (or WAS IT???????) 

Later, Scoops began slicing my column to shreds and I had to leave... man... I was uncontrollable back then. What happened to me? 


Two months ago, someone showed me some results from Alexa is a site that's mostly a search engine... but offers reviews, ratings, and actually RANKS the sites in popularity on the web... who goes where? Alexa will tell you. 

411 did awesome two months ago... how did we do NOW? How did all these OTHER sites that think they matter do? Is this just me doing a little GLOATING? Bet'cha f*cking ASS it is!!! 

Now, for perspective... was ranked as the 1'929 most popular site on July 15. Two months later, they jumped up to 449. They have entered the Top 500. People are learning to live without the "F" apparently. WAS ranked #8,555. Two months later, it jumped to 7'610the place. It lept up almost a THOUSAND spots. WAS ranked #13,865... listen to this... in TWO MONTHS we JUMPED to 7,859 place. In 8 weeks we jumped SIX THOUSAND SPOTS!!! SIX THOUSAND!!! ALL BECAUSE OF THE MIDNIGHT NEWS!!!!!! ALL BECAUSE OF MEEEE (and that Flea clown... and... okay... I'm sure scooter helped... a little... douchebag) WAS ranked #125,754. Two months later... it DROPPED to #1,045,751 place. Yes, it's part of 411... but what this says is that no one... and I mean NO ONE cares about Scooter's mailbag. They all read him from THIS site, not the other way around. WAS ranked #13,355 and was more popular than 411... well, TWO MONTHS LATER, Raja lept up to #11,301. 2000 spaces... they are now officially 411'S BITCH. 

Speaking of bitches.... 

PW Torch WAS ranked 26,268. TWO MONTHS LATER... it makes a MONSTER JUMP to 13,897... it improved by about 50%. But still is NO WHERE NEAR us. HAW!! Send those newsletters to me ON TIME Wade... my microphone is MUCH LOUDER than yours. Observer WAS ranked 19,459... TWO MONTHS LATER, it improved to the 17,953 most popular site. The Torch is now AHEAD of Da Meltz. Congrats to them. WAS ranked #35,427. TWO MONTHS LATER it actually DROPPED a bit to # 36,307. Sorry Tito. Heh. WAS ranked # 81,640. TWO MONTHS LATER it made a BIG jump to 38,056 That's a MASSIVE leap. Good bode well for the promotion, either that or the net is slowly learning the sex appeal of JEREMY BORASH!! WAS ranked # 84,610. TWO MONTHS LATER poor Rick only reached # 80,245. Hey Rick, it's OVER... loser. WAS ranked #96,656. TWO MONTHS LATER CRZ's site OVERTOOK Scaia and jumped to a respectable # 59,602. Probably because I talk about him here. 

By the way, the MEGA site that all of Hollywood respects... yeah, well it's ranked # 12,951. 411 is more popular than Harry Knowles and company. Amazing. I am the new King of Hollywood. WHOA! 

Okay, now here are the rankings for sites that I didn’t cover TWO MO... erm, two months ago... where does YOUR favorite site stand? 

A1Wrestling that big site Janitor is so damn proud of and willing to defend at the drop of a hat? It's only the 68,441th most popular site. Tsk, tsk, tsk. See what happens when you get snotty with me, boy? 

The Death Valley Drivers that Jap heavy message board who actually think they have influence over anything? Well, they show up at # 135,161. They ain't shit. 

The Other Arena that OTHER message board who REALLY think they dictate the course of wrestling? They do even worse than the DVD kids and are ranked at # 146,901. 

The rankings for these two loser board site is clear... ZACH ARNOLD IS THE OPPOSITE OF POPULAR... plus he's fat and his teeth are brown. 

Al's Wrestling Scoops Nothing against Al but... well, they are the 869,158th most popular site. Sorry Al. You should have listened to ME and not Remy Artiega... I would have led you to the PROMISE LAND. 

FINALLY... is the 2,847,123 most popular site. And apparently, he recently (some say FINALLY) came out of the closet. Didn't work for Ellen... maybe THIS time around? 

I WOULD thank all the kids here at 411 for their hard work, but they never thank me... so F-them. Just know that EVERYONE here has an important role (sort of)... and no one makes this site big on their own... not even Widro, Ashish, me, or Scooter. It's a group effort. 


I'm going through my Mop-Ups for a big retroactive look back and noticed how many word for word quotes I have down. Now, I'm not like one of those losers who transcribes everything, I was always the sort to hit all the big notes and let the audience figure out the rest... 

Anyway, so I have all these way cool quotes from back in the day... great quotes that I think will take you back... shit you probably forgot about. These are some funny quotes. 

How ironic... I spent weeks asking for these quotes when, really, I had them stored on floppy the whole time. 

So, let's go back and see some great quotes from Raw: 

BUT FIRST... let's start off with a pair BONUS NITRO quote, two of my favorites!! 

What the hell happened to that sweet little RASSLIN’ show we were doing every Monday? Where’s the DOG when you need him the most?- Kevin Nash 

I was fighting Brody in Singapore..and the natives were restless while you were in the front row, eating popcorn and saying, "MY GOD, THAT'S THE NATURE BOY!- Ric Flair to Bret Hart 

Awesome... now let's hit it... I've numbered these bad boys so you can distinguish the one liners from the exchanges: 

1) Mr. McMahon is the most honest, straightforward man that I have ever worked for - Jerry Lawler 

More honest than Jerry Jarrett?? How dare you!- Jim Ross 

2) Now we don our GAY apparel- Ross, when Goldust was dressed as a Christmas tree 

3) I feel a little uneasy watching her hang more balls on him.- Ross, watching Luna hang ornaments on Goldust 

I'm not worried about his balls!!- Cornette 

4) I'm trying to do something nice for all my fans and your sitting there with your fat old jelly stinking self!!- Goldust to Santa (Vader) 

Is he talking to Santa or his nearest relative?- Ross 

5) Davey Boy will be out for a while getting minor knee surgery- Jim Ross, covering for the Bulldog's rehab. 

Oh, the old phony knee injury? I know that one well Jim.- HBK, having fun 

6) WhOOOOO What a FLUSH!!- Road Dogg 

7) JR, there's nothing I hate worse than a motormouth manager- Cornette 

8) You people shut up and listen to what the Rock has to say and you might educate yourselves!- The Rock 

9) Will you look at those NUTS!- Ross, after HBK and HHH mooned the camera 

10) He flew out of the ring like he was shot out of a cap gun!- Lawler on Max Mini 

You used that line last night...HENNY!- Ross 

11) Welcome!! To the greatest fan participation event on television today!!!- Vince McMahon 

12) Oh great, another Godwinn. Just what the WWF needs.- Vince McMahon 

13) What are they wearing? They look like idiots!- Lawler on the Headbangers 

Yeah, it's almost as silly as a grown man wearing a CROWN!- Lawler 

14) That's an order, that's an order", the only thing Slaughter orders is a bunch of damn cheeseburgers!.- Steve Austin 

15) the epitome of freedom of expression...This is RAW and we are live!!- Ross 

16) He comes from a family of wrestlers, his Daddy was the great Lynn "Kojack" Shelley- Jim Ross on Eric Shelley 

So his father was bald too right?- Lawler 

Oh, no kidding!- McMahon 

You're right on it, King- Ross 

17) MARK HENRY IS HANDLING THE BIG JOHNSON!!- Ross during a mark Henry/Ahmed Johnson match 

18) Honky Tonk Man could beat anyone in this building!!!- Lawler 

What are you? His Cousin??- Ross 

19) I not embarrassed to be with other women! So long as I don't have to drop them off at school- Lawler shot back 

20) "No Hold's Barred"!! It should have been called "No Profits Allowed"- Jim Ross 

25) Because Vince McMahon knows....that when Kane and Mankind are locked inside the Hell in the Cell...that I'm going to...I'm......well I'm gonna get my ass kicked aren't I? What kind of an idiot would step into the same cell match that nearly cost him his life? Well Philadelphia, you're looking at that idiot right now! You see, I've got a plan, and it does not involve stepping inside that, just like Hell in the Cell at King of the Ring, tonight Mankind is gonna walk up to the top the cage! And if I can put Kane through that cage or off that cage....well, I've got a surprise for that big burnt bastard...7'000 thumb tacks! I'm gonna turn him into, the world's largest pin cushion! So Philadelphia, if all this goes my way...well, we're gonna make a little history tonight......and if things take a turn for the worse won't be the first time I had my ass kicked in Philadelphia!! And either way, I truly do not give a damn!! So Kane, later tonight...I'll see you in Hell! Have a nice day!- Mankind 

I love that Foley promo. 

Next week, Nitro quotes... if you have any, send them.. just don't bother if they are less than a year old. 


Trish Stratus owes John Ramsey some money. 

After a Raw in Richmond, Virginia last January, some of them headed over to a "greasy-ass Waffle House" for some chow (named "PAT'S" BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA OH I STILL GOT IT!!). 

Well, poor Trish apparently pulled the ol' "Chew & Screw" routine and skipped out on the $11.50 dollar tab!! She was being harassed by horny "autograph seekers" and wanted to RUN BACK TO THE HOTEL TO SEE IF HYATTE DID A COLUMN YET!!! So she bailed. 

Rather then see a full scale riot break out, Ramsey paid her tab. F-That, I would have watched the fists fly and try to get into the registers during the confusion. 

Now Ramsey wants his 11 pigs BACK... he will HUNT TRISH DOWN TO THE EDGE OF THE WORLD TO GET IT BACK!!!! 

Jon also told me that Brock Lesnar pounded down over $20 worth of eggs, waffles, and chicken breasts! 

When I told Trish about this, she laughed, called it a "scam" and then said if I ever bothered her again she'd call the police... she also said that "Scott Keith rules" to REALLY stick the f**king knife in... heartless bitch. 

It's okay tho'... it's all right... because come our Wedding night... I plan on giving Trish MY version of "Chew & Screw"... heh heh ha ha HA... mwahahahahahahaaaaa 


Got my copy of The Torch Newsletter ON TIME this week. In it, they dedicated most of the issue to Drafting wrestlers for THEIR individual promotions. 

The funny part is... Wade Keller, Pat McNeill, Jason Powell, AND the readers all universally made Kurt Angle their #1 pick. 

Bruce Mitchell also wrote up his own draft... it was supposed to be "funny"... it was... truly... UNREADABLE. What's UP with this guy? He CAN be a good writer... but lately, he has been PATHETIC. 

Still, the rest of the newsletter was highly enjoyable. And UNLIKE Meltzer's mess of a newsletter that he brags always runs between 20-30 thousand words... The Torch has none of that Japanese crap that NO ONE other than a few losers really cares about. If you have to buy a newsletter... go with.... well, let's see how consistent they are before I promote.... keep it up Keller, baby. 

Elsewhere in the Newsletter... Keller wrote this: 

Finally, my apologies to callers of the TORCH Hotline the past few weeks who have gotten no answer. Due to the Worldcom/MCI debacle (MCI was our carrier), we have suspended the TORCH 900 Hotline indefinitely 

Aww... you mean we no longer have the treat of listening to "news updates told in a casual, relaxed manner in the luxury of a conversational medium?" No more "enhanced, anecdotal settings that allows us to go deeper into a story than print will allow?" AWWW. 

Hmm, did ANYONE notice that the Hotline was disabled? Didn't se it pop-up in a message board anywhere. 

Wade also pulled the Hotline ad from the website... damn... I kind of like reading the way he promoted the thing (as you can tell above if you read it too). 

The Internet killed the Hotlines... THE DIRT SHEETS ARE NEXT!!!! 

Hotlines haven't been the same since Samuda left the Net. 


I hardly read comics anymore... I'm too far behind to bother to play catch-up. 

Lucky for YOU... Jesse Baker still loves the stuff, and loves me, and loves the idea that I report what he tells me... so I'm turning this forum over to him... where he sent me a FULL report that you might like. It's about aborted comic storylines and (unless he just yanked it from another website), he worked hard on it. Take it away, Jess: 

In Wizard #132, they ran an article about the top ten storylines that never saw the light of day or to be aborted before they could be finished/played out. The list contained the usual suspects: the issue of Swamp Thing where he meets Jesus, Neil Gaiman's Miracleman run, The Last Galactus Story, and the original Avengers/JLA cross-over but omitted a bunch of storylines that never saw the light of day or where aborted do to politics. 

Here are several of these storylines for your reading enjoyment: 

The Super-Marriage Gets Postponed 

Superman’s death in Superman #75 was a major event in the history of the character, but ironically another major event had been originally planned for that issue. The plan by DC was to have Superman #75 be the issue in which Superman and Lois Lane would finally be married once and for all, but the launching of the “Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman” television series on ABC forced DC to abort the wedding storyline on the belief that the marriage would hurt the show, which would revolve around the working relationship between Lois and Clark and the sexual tension between the two. 

In the wake of this massive change in direction of the character, the idea of the “Death of Superman” storyline came to be and went on to revive not only DC but interest in the Superman character himself. 

Editorial X-Men Nightmare Part 1 

Several issues into his run on Uncanny X-Men, Steve Seagle shocked readers by having Jean Grey done the Gold/Green Phoenix costume and causing her husband Cyclops to wet himself out of fear that Jean may be back on the road to one day becoming Dark Phoenix again. 

This subplot unfortunately was dropped after three-four issues as Jean was suddenly rendered powerless as a side effect of the Psi-War two-part storyline in adjectiveless X-Men and sent into exile with her husband for an entire year before being brought back to the X-Men book. 

The storyline was supposed to have led to the founding X-Men being attacked by a huge army of aliens who we would learn had taken it upon themselves to stay in our solar system after the events of the Dark Phoenix Saga and monitor Earth so that they could make sure that Phoenix never returned. When Jean started dressing up in the Phoenix uniform and started showing an increase of power, they decided to unleash their forces upon the Earth to find Jean and kill her now, before she could become a threat to the Universe. 

The storyline would have ended with the X-Men fighting back the alien hordes and saving Jean, but with the price of Cyclops being driven temporarily insane after the aliens find a way to sever his psychic link to Jean Grey. 

The storyline was dropped do to the ever popular editorial interference of Mark Powers and Bob Harras, who wanted to streamline the X-Men roster and reinstitute the Pre-Mutant Massacre line-up of the team and saw Jean Grey as being expendable in terms of her roll in the group. Excalibur had just been canceled so Shadowcat, Nightcrawler, and Colossus were to be returned to the X-Men while everyone save for Nightcrawler, Rogue, Wolverine, Marrow, and Storm were to be cut from the book and sent into limbo. Seagle and Kelly begged that they be aloud to use Phoenix that they could do Seagle’s storyline (with the Cyclops going crazy bit removed) but was then told by Powers and Harass that Phoenix was off-limits and then given an outline of stories (going from the return of Gambit two-parter to the Search for Xavier biweekly storyline to the Magneto Wars) that Mark Powers had wrote up and told point-blank that these were going to be the storylines that were going to be used in Uncanny and adjectiveless X-Men and that Kelly and Seagle’s only job was to flesh out the storylines with dialogue. 

Kelly and Seagle stayed on for several more months before quitting the titles out of protest for their treatment as fall-guys for Mark Powers' crappy story ideas... 

Cosmic Reset Button Reboot Blues 

Before Paul Jenkins and JMS were hired by Marvel to write Amazing Spider-Man, Howard Mackie was given the nod to man the flagship character’s two titles, which had been rebooted with all new number ones to boost the book’s failing sales. 

While many fans like to consider the Clone Saga the worst period of Spider-Man history, the Clone Saga was no-where NEAR as bad as the first 18 issues of the rebooted Amazing Spiderman and Peter Parker: Spider-Man. Howard Mackie was one of the small clique of editors/writers at Marvel who were friends with Bob Harras and who got high profile assignments as a result of their connections and as a result landed the job as head writer of the Spiderman books while the rest of the writers were out of work. 

But Mackie was not totally allowed to go hog-wild with the books though. Harras gave Mackie a ton of demands in terms of the direction of the Spider-Man Franchise: Mary Jane was to be portrayed as an obnoxious bitch so as to make readers hate her and then to be killed off so as to grant Marvel the return of the swinging single Spider-Man. Jill Stacy, a creation of Mackie who was the cousin of Gwen Stacy, was to be made a major member of the supporting cast and to be portrayed as a possible love interest for Peter and for her to be written as if she was indeed her deceased cousin. And finally Harras wanted it constantly mentioned and referred to by Peter and Mary Jane were young and not a bunch of thirty year olds who had lived more than most people that age could ever possibly live. In short, Harras wanted a young and single Spider-Man and Howard Mackie came up with the most horribly conceived storyline to get Peter this way. 

The plot was simple: The reboot would begin with Peter living the good life. He had a penthouse apartment, a wife who was a world famous model (Mary Jane had been previously blackballed from modeling a decade earlier by rich stalker), a dream job at a scientific research company, and was financially set for life by way of his wife’s career. 

Spider-Man, who had been picked on in school, his uncle killed by a crook who he could have arrested earlier, had his girlfriend murdered by his best friend’s dad, and who had spent most of his life living from paycheck to paycheck that he got selling his Spider-Man pictures finally had everything going for him. 

And therein lies the storyline, as within a year and a half’s time, Peter would lose everything: his wife, his house, his money, his dream job, the respect of his friends, and be hounded by an obsessed 14 year old who has the nerve to tell Peter that he was meant to be with her only days after his wife was killed. 

Mackie’s plan was to take Peter to the brink of despair and have him attempt to take his own life at the same bridge that Gwen Stacy was killed at. Before he would jump though, Peter would give a long-winded speech to himself about how miserable his life was and how he wished he could go back to “simpler days”. Then out of the blue The Shaper of Worlds (one of the many cosmic beings running around in the Marvel Universe) would show up and offer to use his God-like powers to make Spider-Man’s wish to return to “Simpler Days” a reality. 

With a blink of an eye, The Shaper of Worlds would warp reality and turn Peter Parker back into a teenager and reset life around him to the way it was when Peter was a teen. For Spider-Man, his supporting cast, and his rogue gallery, time would be reset and they would find themselves living the same lives that they lived when Spider-Man started out as a hero. The rest of the world would be unaffected save for those in Peter’s inner circle of friends and enemies and that none of them would remember what had happened before The Shaper of Worlds had reset their lives. This storyline thankfully never came to pass. 

The reboot was a complete and utter failure as fans rejected the stories as well as the revelation that Mary Jane was being purposely written to be a selfish bitch so that she could be killed off at the end of the first year of the title. The storyline of Mary Jane’s death was the kink in the plan, as fan reaction was so negative that Mackie’s cosmic reset plan was shelved and was removed from Peter Parker: Spider-Man in favor of Paul Jenkins. 

In his first issue on PP:SM, Paul Jenkins openly resolved the horrible downward spiral storyline with a single-issue story that had Peter visit Uncle Ben’s grave, vented about how bad his life had gotten, and ultimately reaffirming his faith in life and humor through flashbacks of how he picked up his sense of humor through his interaction with his uncle. 

Mackie’s days were officially numbered when JMS was signed to write Amazing Spider-Man and he was quickly tossed out the door after just two years writing Spider-Man. 

Organic Steel Diamond Blues 

Grant Morrison’s first storyline for New X-Men hit a big snag when he discovered that Colossus (who was to play a major roll in the storyline's climax) had been killed off several months earlier. In response Morrison rewrote his storyline, replacing Colossus with the White Queen (who conveniently gains armor power in the form of a diamond hard second skin that she can change into with just a thought). 

Thank you Jesse. As for me, I'll go back to the books when they bring back Rocket Raccoon AND NOT A MINUTE BEFORE!! 


Jeff Jarrett did a RASSLIN' radio show in Ohio because the NWA isn't exactly setting the world on fire... yet. 1bob had the goods. 

Jarrett says: their legal problems are behind them and they now FINALLY ready to EXPLODE... after only 2 months on the air, it's time for the RE-LAUNCH 

Jarrett says: if you want to start a new promotion, you HAVE to "try things in order to be successful!!" Then he announced that on September 18th it'll be two hours of watching Mike Tenay and Don West play Scrabble. MY GOD!!! THE VISION!!! 

Jarrett says: Vince Russo is good at character development and interviews, but actual in ring scripting was never his strong suit. (Ironically, Russo NEVER answers my AIM messages... but he doesn't block me either... so I don't bother him much... I know he's smiling at the goofy things I send him. He's on ALL THE TIME, man. He's on NOW, in fact. Don't even ask, I ain't giving it up. Let the man work in peace. 

Jarrett says: Sharkboy WILL BE BACK!! WHEW... praise Allah 

Jarrett says: poor WWE developmental guys who were cut, like Mike sanders, are still not legally able to even DISCUSS coming aboard at the time. Poor Mike is "S.O.L" and you know what that means... wa, wa, WA, WA!! (sorry, been staring at old Mop-Ups all weekend... oh, and getting TONS OF PUSSY!!! OH YEAHYEAHYEAH!!!) Of course, Sean Waltman will get in... the company needs star power like Scaia needs hot, lubed cock. (i.e. DESPERATELY) 

Jarrett says: coming soon TNA MERCHANDISE!!! You put out a Goldylocks blow up doll and I'm THERE, DUDE!!!! 

Jarrett says: The NWA is STRONGER THAN EVER AND WAS IN NO DANGER OF SHUTTING DOWN!!! Then he announced that the next 6 shows will be held on Bob Ryder's boat. 

Jarrett says: Jerry Lynn's skill and experience has been INVALUABLE when it comes training the youngsters. Still, the brother needs to DROP that lame-ass 80's haircut. Dude... I know van hammer, I watched van hammer... you ain't Van hammer 

That was pretty much it... 


Low Key got into a scuffle with Tammy Sytch, of all people at a USA Pro Show. They scuffled over a seat at first, then Candido broke it up, then THEY almost got into it. Then they scuffled again later and Low Key threw a chair at her. He missed her, but hit another wrestler. 

While the idea that Low Key would not give up his seat to a woman (should be the other way around, by God! GOD BLESS ANAL SEX!!!) most wrestlers were just pissed that Low Key didn't "respect the code" and give his chair up to someone who has been in the business LONGER. Ugh... THIS SILLY, SILLY RASSLIN' CODE!!!! THE BIBLE IS EASIER TO FOLLOW! 

Apparently, Low Key is an all around punk. He pulls shit like this all the time. He's the X version of SCOTT HALL!!! HE'LL BE AROUND FOR DECADES!!! 

This was all in the Torch Newsletter. 


As I'm going through the Mop-Ups, I found this... 

Now, most Nitros blew... I think you knew that, and this Nitro was no exception... 

In Spring, 2000 WCW Nitro held their annual "Spring Breakout" show. This year, it was held JUST BEFORE Russo and Bischoff took things over and changed everything. Kevin Sullivan was booking his final show... 

The match you are about to re-live (unless you bail-out, asshole) featured Ric Flair and Lex Luger with Elizabeth ("Team Package") vs Sting and Vampiro. As I was going over the recap, I remembered just how fun it was. Everyone stayed loose... no one cared... and they all had FUN... ESPECIALLY LUGER... might have been Luger's finest moment. 

Of course, this being the Mop-Up's recap... it's not a blow by blow recap... what kind of fag do you think I am? 

From my archives (also on ScoopThis... good luck dealing with that mess) 

-Sting and Vampiro came out to no music and got right into it. It’s a TEXAS TORNADO MATCH AND THE STAKES ARE TOO DAMN HIGH FOR MUSICAL BULLSHIT!!!!! 

-Madden whined that Sting and Vamp wrecked his favorite part of the program, Luger’s pose down. See, you would NEVER hear Heenan say that! Jesus, you would never hear PATTERSON say that... publicly. 

-Sting took Lex over to the Hotel swimming pool. Tony screamed that they didn’t even have lights for this. Which means that A: They wanted an air of spontaneity , or B: Sullivan just wanted to screw with the production one last time. 

-Elizabeth threw something at Sting, but that something broke apart, either way, it was a screw up. She threw up her hands and walked away disgusted. 

-Luger was backdropped into the swimming pool. Come on, it’s the high point of every Spring Breakout. Let’s take a time out from trashing the show and just enjoy a good laugh over someone going in the drink. BWAHAHAAAA 

-Okay... good. 

-Meanwhile, Vampiro had Flair’s leg tied up. Madden called it a "Figure Four". Madden gets less talented each week. 

-Back to the pool, Luger beats on Sting. A waiter carrying drinks walks by. He was taken by surprise. The waiter walks away laughing. Luger hits Sting with an empty beer keg, turns around, picks up the waiter, and TOSSES him into the pool. It took him 5 years, but Lex has FINALLY done something cool on TV. 


-Sting hits Luger in the face with a bowl of dip. 

-Meanwhile, Flair and Vampiro has spent the last 10 minutes on the mat wrapping up each other’s legs. Let’s be nice and say Flair was just being a pro and allowing Luger and Sting to take the spotlight. 

-Sting and Luger were both covered with gunk. Madden remarked that Lex has more fat ON his body than IN his body. Nice one... seriously. 

-They continued to fight on the beach. Flair and Vampiro decided to settle their end with a game of Tiddly Winks. 

-They were going into the Ocean. Luger went in it first. WCW Cameras were right on cue and left 90% of the action in pitch blackness. Nitwits. 

-Sting pinned Lex after a piledriver. Lex ended up in whatever body of water they were near. Gulf of Mexico? 

-One of the most enjoyable matches of the Sullivan Regime. 

Not much... but I liked it. I remember seeing Luger stop, look at the waiter, then throw him in the water for no reason. I laughed my ass off. 


Nuuk (8:19:53 PM): did the Billy and Chuck proposal segment give you a hard on? 

Nuuk (8:20:47 PM): I sure got one, woooo-wee! 

OORickPrevious message was not received by OORick because of error (8:20:48 PM): User OORick is not available. 

Blocked him right away. Rick HATES not being loved... scars from high school, and college, and yesterday, and a minute ago 

Someone in CRZ's little universe is mouthing off about 411's Music Section. 

OK, I usually prefer not to point and laugh at gay websites in public (as opposed to people, which I do all the time) and I'm sure I'm really late to the party on this one, but sometimes things are so pathetic that you really have to share them with the world. 

Has anyone else noticed that 411wrestling is now "reporting" on MUSIC? Hahahaha oh my God and I laughed and laughed. If it wasn't the crib of the MTV report on Linkin Park ("credited" to VH1, who get their news secondhand from MTV, HELLO) that a gajillion people read already like they were breaking news or some crap, it was the freshly published review of the Red Hot Chili Peppers album TWO MONTHS after it was released. TWO MONTHS (again in all caps). I wouldn't have cared to read it two months ago, what makes them think anyone would want to read it NOW? That is what I call having your finger on the pulse of what is HIP with the KIDS. Bravo. 

Maybe you all did notice but just didn't care. I wish I couldn't care! It's just so dumbfounding and unnecessary and I still laugh and laugh. 

It's from CRZ's girlfriend... 

Well, I guess poking fun at a idea that's just at it's beginning is easy... and how dare Widro and Ashish for trying to branch OUT a little huh? How dare they try to take advantage of 411's big audience by doing something unique. 

Let me tell this silly little c*nt what GAY really is... 

GAY is when your boyfriend orchestrates his entire "anniversary" and encourages people to write special columns designed only to kiss his ass. And if someone should turn DOWN this offer, they get a snotty, "Fine, YOUR LOSS" e-mail. That's gay. 

GAY is when your boyfriend closes his site down just to see all the people dedicate a message board thread to how wonderful he is and how he'll be missed. Then come back and say, "Gee, I didn't know it would stir up SUCH a ruckus"... it didn't... other than in your mind. That's gay. 

GAY is when people on that thread knock 411 for being "not too original" then name a few other sites but NOT Slash... which is nothing but hyperlinks and lame ass commentary from people no one else would allow to write for them. That's gay. 

Finally, GAY is when your boyfriend and his loser, even LESS talented brother make sure that his loser silly c*nt girlfriend is protected from ANY heat or flames on his message board. Go ahead, go to wienerville and flame the bitch... you'll be booted off and banned within the hour. Everyone.. and I mean EVERYONE on that board whom I talk to thinks the girl is an annoying, numb-headed shrill... but they have to put up with her or they'll be thrown off. That's SO GAY. 

Got that, Sweet Tits? Mind your own f*cking business. 

By the way, I do NOT "look to start feuds"... I say what I want. If people wish to respond, great. If not.. won't stop me one bit. Nobody can beat me in a feud as it is... so actively looking for them is silly. 


Not sure if you noticed…. 

Dr. Jeffrey Geiger (played by Mandy Patinkin) was a character on Chicago Hope, a long running critically acclaimed television series. Now, I never watched the show but I have to respect that they would name one of their top women characters to play someone named after a man… 

Other women who play like men are the Chicago Bears, a long suffering team doomed by mismanagement and poor choices. It seems as though that they are cursed by the ghost of Walter Payton, whom was not allowed to score a touchdown in his one and only Super Bowl appearance, in lieu of a big fat gimmicked character known as the "Refrigerator", who managed to steal all the glory… 

Another Big Fat Gimmicked character was Yokozuna, who reigned as champion of the then WWF, while Vince and the booking staff figured out which direction they wanted to ride into the future. Eventually (and very later on) the belt was put on Stone Cold Steve Austin, which led to new prosperity and riches for the World Wrestling Federation… 

As directions would go, around this time WCW was sinking into oblivion, unable to handle the onslaught of the WWF's juggernaut, all the while there front line staff was attempting to put on an air of "it will be all right!" Nowhere was this more evident than their Internet Wrestling talk show… 

Which was titled WCW Live and was hosted by the "Number One WCW shill" at that time… 



Flea, who's one "degree" short and clearly has never seen The Princess Bride... one of the worst friggin' editions of Ryder Fakin' EVER. No wonder his wife cheats on him. 

And I GET IT... your BIRTHDAY is a day away... stop dropping HINTS... people, e-mail a happy b-day to the prick. I'm more concerned of when his DAUGHTER'S birthday is... heh heh heh. 


Pat Brower is all about Velocity 

Brad Jennette is all about Heat. 

Eric Gibbons is all about Confidential 

Miss Galatea is all about Lesbians on Smackdown. (I hear that, Sister) 

Jim Vanderhorst is all about Gay People (in a GOOD way, the fruit) 

John-Peter Trask is all about tracking the history of the WWF World Title (Good piece, too) 

I'm all about making this section very quick this week. 

No wonder the Smarks are ranked in the MILLIONS... they never PRODUCE ANYTHING. 


The webmaster got me in. Now, HTM is charging only $4.95 a month for you to get in. They've got chats, message boards, commentary, and Honky will be interviewing people too. They just posted one with Bobby Heenan. Give it a shot. 

It's been reported that Honky was invited by the WWE to be a part of the gay wedding on Smackdown. Here what Honky said about it: 

Around 3:00 pm AZ time I got the call. WWE was the caller. They wanted to see if I would be interested in a "cameo" appearance at the Smackdown tapings in Minneapolis this Tuesday. 

Despite rumors flying wild on other sites, they made it very clear this was a one shot appearance. I never asked for any details concerning the appearance and I never asked for long term employment. I gracefully declined the offer due to other commitments with my son, who is one of the top golfers in the state of Arizona. 

HTM's webmaster, Ryan (nice guy, by the way) also told me that Honky was asked to take a guitar shot. HTM didn't have a problem with that, really... it was just a matter of timing. 

Here's a some good ol' fashioned NASTINESS... he needs to do more of this: 

Fans, it has come to my attention that a "Brand X" website has now commenced its own version of the HTM Website's copyrighted ROSS REPORT TRANSLATIONS. The author of the bogus translations has a name starting with the initials of the following words: Dick Sucker. This wannabe has tried everything to avoid acknowledging the HTM Website and if he ever did so it would make Lawler's momma cry like she did the day The Kink was born alive. In keeping with his upright ways Dick Sucker has taken the direct but jealous approach of blatantly ripping off the HTM Website. 

FINALLY, HTM makes an observation, or two: 

Maybe it is just what I see, but does anyone else notice how HHH is trying his damnedest to look and act like the Ultimate Warrior. 

Bischoff and Nash are assholes, so is Flair 

YEAH!!! THAT'S THE MAN!!! HAW!! To the POINT, baby! 

I SHOULD be done now, right? How about one... more... thing 


I have an idea here... tell some horrible racist jokes... with a small twist... witness: 

What is the most confusing holiday in the (CANADIAN) community? 

Father's Day 

What is yellow on the outside, (CANADIAN) inside, and makes you real happy? 

A bus load of (CANADIAN)s driving off a cliff 

What do you call a bunch of (CANADIAN)s running down a hill? 


What do you call two (CANADIAN)s having sex??? 

Monkey Love 

What do you give a black (CANADIAN) after she had an abortion? 

$50 crime stoppers award 

I had a (CANADIAN) friend once.... but I sold him! 

I have an (CANADIAN) in my family...He's just hangin' out. 

What do you call 1000 (CANADIAN)s in the ocean? 

An oil spill 

What do you call a 90-year-old (CANADIAN) man? 

Antique farming equipment 

Why don't (CANADIAN)s like taking aspirin? 

Because they have to pick through the cotton to get to the aspirin 

How do you find the fastest (CANADIAN) in Mexico? 

Roll a quarter down the hill 

Why do cars in (CANADA) have such small wheels? 

So they can drive with handcuffs 

Why do (CANADIAN)s always have a whole bunch of mousetraps set up around their house? 

Cuz that's how they get their dinner 

How do you blindfold a (CANADIAN) person? 

With dental floss 

Horrible... horrible... I apologize... on the eve of 9-11 too.... I'm ashamed... ashamed 

Ashamed I didn't think of this bit years ago. 

I kept the news until 10 in the morning for this... heh 

This is Hyatte