And Another Thing: The Mop-Up Raw (Part I) 09.16.02
Posted by Hyatte on 09.16.2002
A look back at five years of Raw... and the evolution of a douchebag
I thought about a long winded intro... then decided f-it, let's just run the damn thing.
What you are looking at is part one of a three part retrospective of how I became known in these web circles. I spent a few weeks pouring over every Mop-Up I have (many were lost in the great crash of 2000) and pulling up the funniest parts. Well... sort of.
This is the Raw stuff... the Nitro part is posted in a different column. You'll note that the first few dozen lines don't seem very funny, or even smile-worthy. Relax, I got more confident as I went ahead. As I got more confident, the asshole started to show up. Hell, I didn't even bash my first web guy until the 60th column.
So, here's part one, from 1997 to...looks like 1999. If you want workrate, go f*ck yourself. There ain't any to be found here.
This is the only time I'll EVER do this, so savor it. You newcomers might get a sense of how I got my rep. You old timers can finally enjoy some great shit that Scoops had since dumped out. Or, you may get bored out of your shorts and ignore it. No problem.
Last thing... everything you are about to read was uncharted territory on the web. Everything you read was brand new back then... now it's business as usual on the web.
WASTING MY LIFE!!! PART 1
-Shamrock challenged Austin to a match that night. Austin accepted and Shamrock introduced a new catchphrase sure to sweep the nation, he told Austin that it was time to "knuckle up!" catchy huh?
-Sunny backstage with a pile of money, helping to push the sweepstakes promotion they are running. (remember: "It pays to watch RAW!") Sunny has a few bills stuffed down her belly shirt. Sunny mentions to Vince that she's going to take the moolah (money, not fabulous) home with her. Vince replies that he wasn't sure she was eligible, but they can "discuss" it later, (heheheheh Vince, you old hound dog you)
-NOD demand that Vince come up and interview them. Vince isn't exactly thrilled about this, but he does it. Farooq whines about why Vader gets to replace Ahmed, and not another member of the NOD. Farooq answers his own question by again, bringing up racial prejudice, (can't we all just get along? Dumb question...of course we can't)
-Savio Vega strolls down the ring, microphone in hand, and starts yapping about how he wasn't fired, he quit. Savio is wearing all white (he's a face again I guess). Savio promises revenge, to which Farooq replied, and this was classic, "If you want revenge, then why don't you get your JALOPENO PICKIN' ASS in the ring." (BWAHAHAHAAA)
-Pillman is in the ring waiting for Mankind. Vince announces that Pillman was fired as a broadcaster for beating up a fan on Shotgun Saturday (I saw it..it was hilarious) At this time, I caught a sign that was partially covered. The sign said, "Scoops su..." I can only assume that the full sign said, "Scoops sure is the best DAMN wrestling website going and the Mop-Up RULES!!" After all, what else could it say?
-Vince mentions to Ross that he guessed that it was hate that kept Kane alive all these years. (Funny...sleep, oxygen, and food usually keeps me going).
-Austin went on to trash Mankind a little, then he started in on how the WWF always screws him anyway. Vince tries to interrupt him on that note, Stone Cold says, "Shut Up Vince"...Vince gets angry and starts yelling, "YOUR OUT OF LINE...WE'RE GOING TO CUT HIM OFF..AND WE'LL BE BACK!!" Amazing, all the things Austin has said in the past, and Vince gets mad at a simple "shut up"?
-footage of the Boricuas driving into the arena with the top down, the stereo blaring, and some homegirls with them. The Homegirls could stand to drop about 100 pounds each. (Suddenly, I find myself wishing for the more subtle characterization of the Hispanic gang member that Konan provides)
-At this time, I took a break to watch Don Rickles on Letterman... That guy is hilarious.
-Hi! I'm Amy, Chris Hyatte's girlfriend. My dumb brother bet Chris that he couldn't eat 10 two week old burritos in ten minutes. Chris won, but now he is now praying to the "porcelain God"and judging from the sounds and smells he's making, he'll be praying all night long. Between pooping and barfing, my man is in no shape to write his column tonight. So you got me...lucky you. As I type this, I can hear him right now, making the most DISGUSTING sounds a body can possibly make! I'll tell you what, that boy better drink about 5 GALLONS of Scope before I'll even consider kissing him tonight....uuuuccck GROSS!
-Move a-side and let the man go through...let the man go through. This is the Mop-Up. I'm Chris, super bon-bonning through yet another week of chaos, carnage, and bad acting that is professional wrestling.
-The Truth Commission (minus the fat guy in the mask) were backstage to talk about the upcoming match with the LOD. The camera took a good, hard look at the big man (and definite breakout, if he plays his cards right) as the Commandant rambled on. Obviously, the Interrogator is the pony to bet on for the future..so long as he decides to learn some moves.
-So Owen is in the ring, and dedicating his victory to his brother Bret(somewhere, Bruce Hart went out, bought a new television, set it up, tuned to Raw, heard the dedication to Bret, kicked in the new TV set and screamed, "ONCE..JUST FREAKIN' ONCE! I'D LIKE TO HEAR YOU DEDICATE A MATCH TO ME!!!!! EH!!")
-Due to some complaints about the false news I reported last week, I am forced to make this retraction... ERIC BISCHOFF DID NOT DISCOVER THE MEANS TO TIME TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE!!!
-the story of Farooq's football career as Ron Simmons and his wrestling career as Farooq. Curiously, no mention of his WCW career is brought up....it's as if he wants us to forget DOOM??????????
-Once again, the Sultan didn't make a difference.
-Anywhoo, HBK continued to break Vince's jewels, (and HHH said "look out! He may fire us!" (Be careful HHH, Shawn is still needed...your not bro. Chyna is the only thing keeping you interesting).
-JewTangGee sent me an all caps letter proudly proclaiming that the true wrestling ICON was his pecker...okay dude, if you say so.
-is it me or is EVERY recapper now "peppering" their work with sarcastic remarks?)
-It didn't take long for HBK. Triple H, Rick Rude, and Chyna to take some seats outside the ring entrance and hold up some hilarious signs...including, "I'd rather be in CHYNA", "Whose booking this crap?" "Vince, Take off the shoulderpads", and "Spank me Vince", (held up by Chyna...Lawler asked Vince what he was doing with Chyna and Vince mumbled, "I beg your pardon?").
-Before they break for commercials, Vince boldly bellows, "HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE CAIN"....suddenly, I an re-thinking my feelings towards Glacier.
-opening theme for RAW...fireworks, fans, fury..plenty of cool signs..such as.."I'd rather be in SUNNY" (too tacky), Who the HELL is watching Nitro?" (Lots of folks obviously), and "SCOOPS fears 411" (What? Please, those losers?)
-it is now 9:48 PM....RAW is WAR changes over to the WARZONE....WE ARE SCREWED OUT OF TEN MINUTES OF RAW IS WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE THEY!!!!!!!!!!
-The Headbanger's hit the ring to take on The "New Age Outlaws". We see footage of them on "Regis and Kathie Lee". Mrs. Gifford looked like she wouldn't mind sampling some of that young meat...neither did Regis for that matter.
-Raw opens with a dedication to the late Bobo Brazil: 1925-1998. You know, I had a small time share condo in Bobo, Brazil....it was a loaner from VILLANO LVII (The Real Estate Agent). I lost it in a flood (DAMN YOU EL NINO!!!!!!!!!!)
-Oh, of course not....but Double J came down....AND HE WAS RIDING JENNY
-Actually, he was riding a horse.
-Bob Holly and Bart Gunn made their DRAMATIC RETURN to the WWF by beating on
Mosh and Thrash...(y'know...I am "sloshed" and "trashed" right now....BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA...oh I kill me)
-Steve Blackman comes out and starts to be assaulted by a haze of DEADLY HORNETS!!! Luckily, he has his giant chopsticks (I could go for some Singapore Noodles right now) with him and proceeds to swat away. The hornets leave and the match begins...
-anywhoo..the UT went on to apologize for all the bad things he's done in his life...Running over the cat, breaking old lady Wilkes picture window, stealing from the church's donation basket, killing Kennedy, putting Nixon in the white house, giving Warren Beatty a career, that whole Disco thing, Voodoo Economics, Quayle, you know...the usual stuff that kids do.
-One thing though...Cole called Kane the "Embodiment of horror"..I only mention that because it was the SAME thing my girlfriend told me last week when I stepped out of the shower...(at least I don't smell like tun.........WHOOOAA, this is a FAMILY column...forget I said that!!).
-The Undertaker comes to the ring to take on Barry Windham...his entrance was longer than the match...and I ain't even fooling. Poor BW (I was a HORSEMAN DAMMIT!!!) went down in seconds....he left in a daze, ("What just happened? One second I'm in a nice push with Cornette and Bradshaw..the next second I'm jobbing to the UT???? Why Vince? WHY? I WAS THE WIDOWMAKER!!! I WAS THE STALKER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!")
-AND Dude Love said that Pat Patterson's dream will come true because it
will be HIS VOICE that calls out the name Dude Love.....Patterson mouthed the words, "But I did that last night?"...but Vince kicked him on the shin and whispered to keep his fat mouth shut....(which would have kept him out of trouble in the first place if
he......well...nevermind, it was a long time ago)
-Patterson and Brisco jumped on Dustin and started to attack...Dustin could
be heard screaming..."ABOVE THE WAIST PATTERSON..ABOVE THE F&^%$#@
-I have to bring this up....when Vince asked Patterson if he was up to a streetfight, Patterson grabbed the mic and told Austin that he heard Austin say that he "sucked"...well, Patterson paused a bit, then said, "I don't suck Austin, I BLOW And I'm gonna blow you until...." Vince quickly took the mic away before he could (thankfully) finish.
-In the end, Austin told them to go screw themselves...Patterson yelled, "Been there, done that"....which pretty much ended things.
-I'm happy to report that Dustin still found a way to get the letters FU on his personage.
-Brisco distracted Dustin long enough for Dude Love to win with the Mandible
Claw....which only helps progress the next exciting installment of "Operation: Get Dustin Over Phase III"
-footage from some Hospital where Kane and Paul Bearer were getting there DNA sampled....Kane had a ski mask on, along with a nice looking windbreaker...(Tommy Hilfinger has an exclusive deal with the bowels of Hell).
-I swear, my life will not be complete until Golga grabs the mic one day and screams, "I AM NOT A FISH"...let's hope that day comes soon.
-Then the UT left...with Vader and Henry left lying in the ring on their backs...looking like the end of the NASTIEST gay porno film EVER MADE.
-Grabbing the mic, Austin counted out $1200...and then handed them to the gentlemen on behalf of the "tightest son of a bitch in the world, Vincent K. McMahon" (Patterson brightened up on that sentence...saying "Damn right he's the tightest!!!")
-and some men in hoods walked out carrying a casket...Ross and Lawler said
that the JEWS were carrying the casket... why in God's name are JEWS carrying a casket????
-I should mention that Jacqueline had words with Tennessee Lee
-I should mention that Jacqueline smacked Tennessee Lee.
-I should mention that this caused Jarrett to jumped out of the ring and break them up.
-I should mention that I sometimes like to wear lipstick and pretend to be Liza Minelli.
-I should mention that Mero popped Jarrett in the "little double j's".
-I should mention that this gave Puke a win over Jarrett.
-I am VERY happy to announce that the Mop-Up will now be translated into German."Wrestling news! Wrestling fun!", currently the biggest german newsletter edited by Frank Lilienthal will now be offering the Kraut version of the Mop-Up. A fine fellow by the name of Stefan Matern agreed to all my demands (No editing, SCOOPS plug with every column) and I guess it'll all be good to go starting with this little F**ker right here. HOW Stefan is going to translate this is beyond me.....WHY he WANTS to is even more shocking. I'll have that German guy who writes for SCOOPS push it for a few weeks....then it'll be up to all you Aryans to get "Wrestling news! Wrestling Fun!" and start saluting your NEW Fuerer Welcome to the FOURTH REICH BABY!!!!....
-Vince was happier than Art Garfunkle after reading the reviews of "Capeman".
-Ken Shamrock comes to the ring with a camouflage t-shirt on...making it damn near impossible to spot at times...(Reminds me of the damn gooks back in Kwan Tree....We NEVER could see them coming).
-FINALLY...a voice of reason....Owen Hart comes out and says that Shamrock is a homo..or some other nonsense like that. Owen reminds everyone that he is a BLACKHEART and he once "saw him standing next to a record machine, knew he had to be 'bout seventeen, wanted to take him home, where we could be alooooooowhooowhooone, and I knew it wouldn't be long 'cause he was with me, YEAH ME, and he'd be movin' on and singing that same old song, YEAH WITH ME..."
-The LOD come to the ring without Sunny...Ross says that she's under the weather....(Is there a wrestler out there known as "The Weather"? Must be an Indy guy)
-One day I'll ask Al to send me all the e-mails Remy sends to him asking just who the Hell I am, what planet am I from, do I seek counseling, and where do I live so he can keep his daughter as far away from me as possible. Remy reads my stuff and weeps for the future. Weep on Space Cowboy! Weep on!
-Cole opened door #2......and clearly said, "OOOpsie...sorry Mr. Patterson, sorry Mr. Michinoku.....no, no Mr. Patterson...don't get up."
-Out comes Vincent K. (My Toupee is made from Bruno's back hair...THAT'S why he's pissed at me) McMahon.
-He took on Savio Vega. It went 3 rounds. After learning that he won't be taking down the big guy anytime soon, Savio spent all the rounds PASTING Brakkus all over the place. Plenty of stiff shots, plenty of blood from the Nazi's nose (Rumor has it, Vince may send Brakkus to WCW to take care of Goldberg...you know how the Germans "take care" of the Jews right? Here's a hint...that ain't Lysol "Cool Breeze" Air freshener that Goldberg will be smelling.) (Note: SCOOPS does NOT approve of Nazism, Religious persecution, or anything else that would cause any harm, lethal or otherwise, to another human being....except for Bischoff.....oooo, we'd like to stick an apple in his mouth, shove him in the oven, and broil his ass until it's Golden brown....and those Canadians could stand a beating too).
-We see the "Edge"..watching things deep in the nosebleeds (I SWEAR...if this clown comes on with a big Vulture on his arm one night, I am QUITTING the Mop-Up, get a penial implant, and becoming a Porn Star!!.......
-Y'know.....that's not a bad idea! F-It...F-these shows....F-this column...F-All of you! I'm OUTTA here....next time you'll see me, I'll be elbow deep into Jenna Jameson...GOODBYE YOU DUMB MARKS!!! I'M OFF TO THE LAND OF SILCONE AND HEROIN ADDICTIONS!!!!!!!!! I already know my stage name...the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!
-The Undertaker chokeslammed Funk out of his shoes....Ross and Lawler acted all sorts of surprised...(If you didn't see that coming from about 10 miles away and in the fog..then I hereby BAN you from watching ANY AND ALL wrestling on the grounds that you are MUCH TOO STUPID!!!! You have ten seconds to leave this site, and throw out all your PWI's)
-Actually....ALL of you should throw out your PWI's.....I outgrew those rags when I was about 13...right around the time I read a story about a PWI reporter following Nikita Koloff to a "Top Secret" Meeting with the KGB Officials in the Kremlin.
-Vince talked to Kane....and called him the STUPIDEST man he has ever seen in his life for giving Austin a title shot last week. Then Vince said, "But that's alright! We forgive a lot of people for a lot of things around here!" (Your Honor, the Prosecution offers Exhibit A: Mr. Pat Patterson).
-Blackman came out...saw the four men in the ring...mouthed, "Ohh no, I saw 'Deliverance' twice...I ain't no Ned Beatty and I ain't gonna be squealing like a pig." Rumor has it, Patterson started to (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) which would have DAMN sure been interesting to watch..in a real sick kind of way.
-Angle Development!!! Owen Hart came out and attacked Shamrock. He left with a smile on his face. Dan Severn walked to Shamrock, took a look at him, and said, "Buddy you're a boy make a big noise. Playing in the street gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on yo' face. You big disgrace. Kickin' yo' can all over the place. Singing We Will We Will Rock You. We Will We Will Rock You. Everybody We Will We Will Rock You." Then walked away in disgust.
-Then Vince said that if there was going to be any screwing done tonight Austin, it's going to be by me"...at which point Patterson (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) which really wasn't necessary for national TV..and damn right ILLEGAL in 32 countries.
-Shamrock wrapped Owen in a "Dragon Sleeper" variation (which I INVENTED over 15 years ago in my living room....on my Mother).
-Lawler is handed a note from the desk of Vince McMahon that said since body paint wasn't what we would call "clothing", Sable was to be disqualified. Jacky won. The only time Jacky celebrated harder was when Kevin Sullivan rolled off her for the final time.
-The thrust here was that Sable was there because of Vince...and Vince could snap his fingers and have a dozen bimbos and airheads ready to take her place at a moments notice...(Where is Sunny by the way?)
-I mean really. This is MY WORLD, JACK!!! I'm the show here. NOBODY can
stop me from speaking my mind. NOBODY...not even (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) if he SAW one.....so THERE!!!
-Raw opens with a backstage shot of Steve Austin banging on Vince McMahon's dressing room and demanding entry. Silly man, doesn't he realize that NO ONE may enter Vince's room during the pre-show prep? That rug has GOT to be properly placed to insure that it catches the FULL light of the house......(there's a reason Brisco is always squinting y'know)...and then....there's the weekly challenge of getting Patterson's pants back on....("But Vince, I feel so FREE!!!!!!!")
-Austin opens the casket....AND OUT COMES THE CORPSE OF VINCE MCMAHON SR. VINNIE'S DAD IS MOSTLY DUST AND BONES NOW...AW GOD..THEY DID IT. YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!! YOU'VE STEPPED OVER THE LINE NOW!!!! WHAT'S ON NITRO?
- Wait a second...the corpse of Vince McMahon Sr. OPENS HIS SKELETAL MOUTH
-"BISCHOFF IS A HOMO!"
-.....then he TOTALLY disintegrates into a pile of dust.......
-Anywhoo....Austin calls out for Vince and demands someone to fetch him another beer....
-Out comes Pat Patterson.......oh for the love of.....HIS FLY IS STILL OPEN.....GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY....PATTERSON IS OUT OF CONTROL!!!!
-Then out comes Gerald Brisco.....who is squinting so hard, he bumps into Patterson.....now we see WHY his fly is open.....Oh Lord No.
-Austin asks for jackass number 3
-Out comes Commissioner Slaughter...meanwhile, Patterson is mouthing the words..."Jacking Asses? Then I'M your Huckleberry!!"
-Finally, out comes Vincent K. (Hey baby, stare deeply as a twirl my toupee around and around...you are getting VEEEERY sleepy...now take off your blouse....DAMMIT PAT..NOT YOU..WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!) McMahon. They make their way to the ring.
-Brisco holds the ropes open for Vince..with his ass facing Austin. Stevo says, "Well isn't that special"...this caused Patterson to scream, "YOU WANNA SEE SPECIAL TEX? YOU WANNA SEE SOMETHING SPECIAL????"..Then he took his(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) which caused ONE grown man at ringside to faint......I can't blame him..ESPECIALLY after he incorporated the Applesauce.....GROSS!
-Venturing off the well beaten path for a moment......maybe I'm showing off my ignorance (God knows it's not a new concept in this column), but I just want to say that to me...your standard average suburban whitey....there is NOTHING I find more terrifying than when a black guy braids his hair. I don't know why....it just scares the piddle out of me....alas..that is MY cross to bear and nobody else's. Bald guys? Doesn't bother me. Afros? Nope. The Scorpio "fried, dyed, and laid to the side" look ?....uh uh. Braids? Completely petrified!!!!!
-This is it....Cole knows the deal here...he has to deliver first rate sound bites, quotes, and hard answers from the wrestlers....his job, family, house...his ENTIRE LIFE IS ON THE LINE!!!!!! First up for the new, improved, Take No Prisoners Michael Cole is Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman...GO GET 'EM MIKEY!!!!!!!!
-Shamrock yells something incoherently and starts breaking stuff in a rage...Cole runs away like a girl. His children are having sleep for dinner tonight.
-I THINK that this is wear they showed a spot for Droz's World....with a kid saying, "Hey, if he hurls, then he's cool!"...couldn't agree with you anymore son....couldn't agree with you anymore...ALL HAIL MALE BULIMIA!!!!!!!!! IT'S GOTTEN ME OUT OF MORE THAN A FEW JAMS, BY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Sing badmouthed Americans for having no "pride, class, or morals"......how dare that SUMBITCH SAY THAT WE HAVE NO PRIDE!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE SO MUCH PRIDE
THAT IT SQUIRTS OUT OF OUR ASSH&^%*
-As for class or morals....can't argue with him there.
-then he said that we were "lazy, fat, and in poor physical condition"
-umm....gotta agree with that too...but it's just too damn bad that WE RULE THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE THE REST OF THE GLOBE PISSING THEIR PANTS
BABY!!!!!! WE SAY JUMP AND THE REST OF THE WORLD SCREAMS "HOW HIGH" OH MASTER!!!!! IF THE REST OF THE WORLD WAS ONE BIG HOOKER, WE WOULD BE GETTING FREE BLOW*&%S FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!!!!!!! USA, USA, USA, USA!!!!!!!
-UT WHIPS his head around in a bit of melodrama that would have William Shatner say, "Damn, That....Is....Over....ACTING!"
-Anywhoo.....Vince was happy because he was right the whole time and the Brother's were indeed in...."cahoots"...(Thanks to Vince..."cahoots" is now the most used word in all the chat rooms.....the SECOND and THIRD most used words are "Hyatte" and "Sucks"....the FOURTH most used word is "Who?")
-THEN AFTER that...the OTHER burning question is..."Vince McMahon: Friend or Foe?" And Vince damn sure wanted an answer by the end of tonight....roughly around the time that Goldberg comes out.
-shot outside the arena...a big balloon statue of Austin has been erected....speaking of erected....I SWEAR I saw Patterson climbing up the balloon's leg wearing a miner's hat and carrying a pickaxe......looks like Pat is going spelunking in them thar caves
-Kane and the Undertaker come out....Ross says that "No single human being on this EARTH, can get through those two!!!" (Oh really JR?? Haven't you heard of the phenomena known as GOLDBERG?????? GOLDBERG WOULD SPEAR THROUGH
THESE TWO DOUCHEBAGS SO FAST THAT YOUR BRAIN WOULD EXPLODE IN TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH HIM!!!!! DON'T FU%$ WITH GOLDBERG ROSS....HE IS THE KING OF THE JEWS!!!!!!!!)
-Mankind grabs a chair and tries throwing it up on the roof...he missed twice...on of the chairs bounced down near Lawler......Lawler jumped higher than his 14 year old girlfriend's father when they first met.
-Kane's ass was COVERED with thumb tacks.....word has it that it took about 6 men...INCLUDING Vince and Brisco..to keep Patterson from blitzing out there and playing "Connect the Dots"...and Pat had NO intention of using a pen, pencil, or even his hands...
-Mark HENRY, on the other hand......well...this was right up his alley.....Maivia ordered him to get jiggy wit' the bitch..
-Henry started flicking his tongue and got ready......I.....umm..I mean Chyna.......uhh....oh my God......
-ummmmm.....I'm having these....errr....flashbacks......ummm I was 23........doing time in prison for tax evasion......ummmm....c-block....NO...NO.....D-BLOCK....
-I was in D-Block......washing the floor.....when the "King Niggaz" approached me......they ummmmm errr.......one of them was called Z-Smooth.....he had braids.........oh God..they held me down........Z-Smooth told me to do something...but I...I.....I....
-Shawn Michaels ran in...chaired Henry...tossed the IC belt back to Maivia...offered the chair to Chyna..she took it with reluctance......she was pissed....
-No skinny guy with a pony tail saved me....it was a bald guy...with tattoos...his name was...was.....I don't remember....he was part of the "Latin Kings"....
-he saved me from Z-Smooth and his gang...they never bothered me again......but I had to pay for the protection...Lord I had to pay....
-at night.......when the screws were having lunch.....I had to repay the favor.....oh yes...I had to repay
-oh man.....I....I....I had blocked all this out.....now it's rushing back.......I...I...I need a breather.....hang on....
-Much like the NBA.....it is the FINALS of the Brawl For Al (AL???? WHAT'S WRONG BUDDY? WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME WHY THEY ARE FIGHTING FOR YOU????? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? DO YOU HAVE A DISEASE? CANCER??? OH THAT'S IT ISN'T IT? AL HAS CANCER...OH WHY????WHYYYYYYYYY?? TAKE ME LORD...SPARE AL AND INFECT ME INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!)
-Some guy who’s name I can’t recall on RSPW called me, among other things, a “childish twit just begging for attention”. Well DUUH...if you want people to read your stuff on the Internet, you better DAMN WELL ATTRACT ATTENTION!!!! YOU FUC*^%$# IDIOT!!!!! WHAT A DUMBASS!!!! If you don’t want attention, then why are you writing anything in the first friggin’ place? Douchebag!
-Speaking of wanting attention, the absolute FUNNIEST part of this whole thing came from none other than the “Parody Master from Canada”, who posted letters from kids who speculated that Al let me try this because they were “really getting to him”!!! I can’t believe the guy STILL thinks Al is concerned about him. You are a non factor.
-Besides, that “several page spazzfest about STC” that I wrote about him chased him off the net for 6 months. HE may want to forget about that little tidbit, but I haven’t, and neither have the readers. Now go post this up in your letters and have something cute to say about....and make sure the response paints you as the scrappy innocent fighting against the “Evil Empire” that is SCOOPS...and do some more “Pussy Rants”...cause they are really, really funny.
-Then Vince degreed tonight as “Stone Cold” Steve Austin Night (Hey, Goldberg gets all those cool religious holidays off....why bloody NOT?)
-Out comes Road Dog and Bad Ass to their usual pop. Roady Doggy made me PHYSICALLY FRICKIN’ SICK by referring to himself as the “Dizzog” (Oh God...now the chat rooms will be LOADED with geniuses naming themselves the “Dizzog”...and they’ll be screaming, “DIZZOGS IN DA HIZZZZZZZZZOOUUUUUSE”. Ugh.....faggots.
-Austin is seen outside driving a Zamboni Machine right through a fence, and right past some scurrying policemen...(why didn’t they just start shooting? A Zamboni is a LETHAL WEAPON!!!! Draw your guns and POP A CAP IN AUSTIN’S ASS!!!!! Bischoff would have gave you a high paying job! Hell, Bischoff would have given you his daughter!!!!)
-BUT...Vince is a benevolent soul and knows a good quarterly ratings spike when he sees one...he decided to make UT and Kane team up in a handicap match against Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and the Rock later on tonight. (Show of hands, how many people think that Vince booked that as soon as he heard that Hogan was fighting Hart tonight?? Put your hand down Scherer...I can’t see you....moron.)
-Upon being called a freak and a retard, Kane and UT cornered Vince. UT told Vince that they were NOT Handicapped...they were handicapable (I heard that line used on Diff’rent Strokes decades ago...I’ve been waiting ALL THIS time for the right moment to use it).
-Michael Cole talked to Ken Shamrock....Shamrock hates Detroit, hates what happened to him at the PPV, hates UT, hates Kane, hates the Rock, hates Mankind, hates the chair that Mankind used on him, and hates all things that a guy who is well on his way to a heel turn hates.
-Venis and Terri were in the ring, doing stuff that’s illegal in 39 states and at Dave Scherer’s house....
-Such is the bitter, bitter irony of Dustin Runnel’s life....a tough Texan with strong wrestling roots and a dad who coined the term “Bunkhouse brawl” can ONLY get heat when he dresses like an ambiguous fag.......alas.....alas.
-Vincent K McMahon, Gerald (Ol’ Squinty) Brisco and “Hopalong” Patterson mosey into a Texas bar. Brisco and Pat are gussied up to look like cowpokes.....and you better believe Pat is looking to do a lil’ “poking”. The went to the bar and Vince asks “toots” if she has seen Steve Austin around. “Toots” says that she “reckons not”.....Vince gets all snotty with her. She picks up a bat and “reckons” that she may be forced to shove it somewhere where the sun ain’t gonna shine. Patterson’s hat jumps about 2 feet up in the air. Vince grabs them and leaves......Pat has time to ask where the nearest “Dude Ranch” is located before being whisked away.
-The Rock is on the cell phone with Vince.....he’s fretting about Mankind spending all his hard earned cash. Vince blurts out that this is what Ted Turner must feel like.
-Then Mark Henry shows up and tries to get Debra, the whitest white girl since Marcia Brady, to git jiggy with the “dark side”........somewhere in Minnesota, that blood vessel re-appeared on Mongo’s head....and started to throb. Funny thing is, Mongo wasn’t even watching RAW at the time....he just.....knew.
-Jarrett and Hart attacked Henry....later, they were seen burning a cross in front of Henry’s locker room.....WAKE UP WHITE PEOPLE
-If you want to hang someone, let’s start with old fart web guys who claim to be neutral while collecting a paycheck from one particular company and goes on weekly rants about how the competition is too graphic....not to name names...of course.
-The Red Rooster is a hate mongerer.....well, I’ll be damned.
-back in Texas, Patterson musta sniffed some peyote and was feeling “curious” about the other side of life...so he saddled up to some philly and put the mack groove on her,“Ma’am, you look purtier than Jason Priestly just out of the shower. The girl kneed him in the nutsac......and thus, we can officially pronounce any lingering heterosexuality within Pat’s soul as dead as the Macarena....Time of Death, 9:47 p.m.
-Droz beat Kurrgan.......then he tried to sell him some heroin
-I’d put more energy into this, but to tell you the truth, I didn’t even watch RAW....I am just reading about 9 other recaps and pasting together my own interpretation.
-I’d like to officially welcome Rich in KC BACK into the Scoops fold. You know, when I first started with Scoops, Rich was pretty much the most popular columnist on Scoops outside of Al. I was this green little recapper and Rich was the BMOS (Big Man On Site) whom everybody liked and respected. Then he vanished for a while....but now he’s back...so I’d like to officially welcome Rich in KC back....good to have you back, sport ;)
-Of course.....there has been some changes in his absence......changes that I thought I’d like to point out, just in case he was unaware. All the faces that were here when he was last here are gone.....no more Bambi, no more Sean Chea, no more Dan Murphy, or James Lawton....or especially Rich’s personal friend, Katie Prodigeoul.....or whatever he friggin’ name was.....Spiffy is still here...I think....I’m not sure. But one thing remains the same....I’m still here....and...while you were gone...I suddenly got a wee bit more popular....a wee bit more important to the site......so you remember this, Mr. In KC.....things have changed a little bit since you took off......and you are no longer the number 2 man around here at Scoops....oh no...oh no my friend....I AM! I am the new Sheriff ‘round these parts, bunky!!! And your success here will be dictated on the FAVORED ENDORSEMENT OF THE MIGHTY HYATTE!!!! MANY OTHER SCOOPS COLUMNISTS HAVE SIMPLY VANISHED OFF THE SITE AND OFF THE WEB ON MY SAY SO, BUDDY BOY!!!!! AND THE OTHER SHAMELESSLY SUCKLE MY BOOTY IN HOPES THAT I KEEP THEM AROUND FOR ONE MORE WEEK!!!! SO GET THOSE KNEEPADS ON AND BREAK OUT THE LIP GLOSS...BECAUSE UNLESS YOU GROVEL AT THE FEET OF THE KING....YOU MIGHT FIND YOUR SECOND GO ROUND HERE A BIT LESS WARM!!! GOT THAT??? SPARKY????? IT’S A NEW DAWN AT SCOOPS AND YOU HAVE STUMBLED INTO THE ERA OF HYATTE!!!!! GET USED TO IT!!!!!!
-UT hit the ring and told the Big Bossman that he’s going to meet his “maker” and the “Lord of Darkness”......(Lord of Darkness? I guess Vince managed to get Tom Bosley to be the guest celeb for Wrestlemania this year!)
-Vince asked what the Hell Ross thought he was doing...Brisco had no clue, Pat said that Ross was the “ugliest face he ever came across”.....the way I figure it.....about half of you got that line right away......................
-............and the other half are getting it right......................about.................
-The rest of you are morons
-Vince called over Terry Taylor (racial bastard) and told him to go relieve Jimbo of his duties. Taylor took off.......then Vince ordered Patterson and Brisco to go keep an eye on the Ministry...Pat asked which eye............again..half of you got it right away...and the other half....right about......................................
-The rest of you are imbeciles
-Ken Shamrock comes out looking like he was just bitched at by Alanis Morrisette in one of those songs of hers...(girlfriend..get OVER it)
-Goldust came out with Ryan and the Blue Meanie.....Shamrock plowed through Meanie and went right for Goldie......Lawler commented that Ryan was like a roller coaster in that EVETRYBODY gets a ride (Alas, poor Sunny...we hardly knew ye).
-Test came out with Chyna and Shane McMahon....."Test" may be the dumbest name ever....well, right after High Voltage, Lenny Lane, and Christopher Robin Zimmerman
-UT is the “Soul Chaser” on the next exciting installment of “Poltergeist: The Legacy”...no plans on watching it...but I really can’t think of a better suited wrestler for the role.....although rumor has it that Bischoff tried to get Ernest Miller to read for the part.
-commercials...including one for WRESTLEMANIA XV.com.......BOY, I sure hope some unsuspecting kid doesn’t hit the wrong buttons and stumble onto Online Onslaught....that might turn him off to wrestling for GOOD!
-speaking of signs...what was UP with that sign that read, “PROPS TO BIDDLE”....could they be referring to former SCOOPS columnist Ross Biddle? The dude who wrote something like 3 columns, then quit the gig by claiming that there “was no more originality left on the net anymore?”
-What’s the difference between Pat Patterson and a Refrigerator?
-A Refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out of it.
-from what I’ve been told, the real Zimmerman isn’t really ........well, let’s just say female “racks” aren’t high on his list of “priorities”......he IS from San Francisco after all......and considering who he writes for.....geeze....need me draw a diagram?
-Vince wrapped things up by introducing the special guest referee for the WM match....with the typical Vince growl that he usually saves for those times when he catches Patterson prancing around backstage in his “Little Bo Peep” costume (“DAMMIT PAT!! Venis doesn’t have your sheep hidden in his pants!!!!!”),
-D-Lo is now a FACE....a righteous BLACK MAN standing in the face of the TYRANNY of that REDNECK Jarrett and that FILTHY CANADIAN Owen Hart....I TOLD you Teddy Long would eventually make his presence felt.
-Of course...Long doesn’t exactly approve of D-Lo being assisted by a WHITE WOMAN while a beautiful, strong Nubian princess like JAQUELINE is just twiddling her thumbs doing nothing...but Teddy knows...it’s all about baby steps.
-Backstage, we see members of the Corporation welcoming Paul Wight to the WWF, Patterson gave him the once over and asked, “My, oh my...you are a BIG one aren’t you? Tell me...do you like hot tubs?”
-Val Venis came out with Ryan Shamrock......a guy named “Val” and a girl named “Ryan”?? Jesus, why can’t parents names ALL their children proper names to go with their genders? Like for boys, a masculine, macho, SOLID male name like “Chris” and for girls...a feminine, sexy, SOLID female name like.....err....ahh.....“Chris”.... err... f-ing parents... I HATE YOU BOTH!!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE.
-Say...how is Ventura doing anyway? Is Minnesota still there? Or did it succeed from the Union yet?
-I’ll say this....Mabel is one SCARY looking hombre...puts braids in his head, a beard on his face, and I’d SWEAR I was once his wife in C-Block a few years back.
-So, Bart Gunn was back.....Bob Holly had a title....Steve Williams tough guy gimmick is totally ruined.....Jim Ross still can’t say Bart Gunn’s name without cursing.....and Hyatte still can’t get laid without going to the ATM......so it goes.
-Sable RIPPED her hand away and said....”Look you NUT, I am sick and tired of you harassing me! Don’t you get it? You can never be like me!! You’re just a wannabe, just like all of them!!” (Ironically, I’ve said those exact words to just about every single SCOOPS columnist here)
-Mankind performed his version of the “Corporate Elbow”....Cole called it “Mr. Elbow”...I called Cole “Mr. Schiavone”
-Vince implored any of us who “had a squeamish stomach” to leave the premises and go over to Nitro....where the only thing that’ll make you squeamish are appalling angles, horrifying acting, and Tony Schiavone’s chins.
-Cole once again referred to Wight as “Big Nasty”.....which is a direct rip off of “Big Sexy”...MY GOD!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!! BUT......”Big Sexy” is a direct rip off of “Big Daddy Cool” MY GOD!!!!!!! THE RIP OFF EVERYTHING TOO!!!!!! BUT.....Nash is simply ripping off something that he used to use before.....but Wight is just using a variation of something Vince made up in the first place...but Nash......Vince used......Bischoff.....sucks......MY GOD I DON’T KNOW WHO IS RIPPING OFF WHOM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? MY GOD!!!! I DON’T KNOW IF “WHOM” IS PROPERLY USED IN THAT CONTEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Why has Owen taken to wearing his shirt 24/7 now? Are ALL the wrestlers getting their bitch tits sucked out now?
-I feel for my brothers....because I am a BLACK MAN IN A WHITE MAN’S SKIN!!!!!!
-Yo, yo, yo....I know what it’s like to be playa hated.......word to your mother.
-Vince gave Mankind a punch as the two held him......I think we have just found Mankind’s opponent for Wrestlemania 15......and really, moreso than even Austin...who better deserves to hand Vince his ass other than Mick Foley?
-well...okay...maybe Bret Hart....but that ain’t happening.
-oh okay, perhaps Bruno Sammartino....but it ain’t happening either.
-Jim Crockett? Yeah..okay...him too. Verne Gagne? You bet'cha.
-It’s like my daddy always told me...stay away from the flying chooch.....words to live by.
-The NEWLY EVIL Undertaker came out...dressed as the same old dork.
-I meant to ask this last week......exactly who is Road Dog blowing? I mean, this guy’s push hasn’t stopped even once in the past year plus!! Meanwhile, Brad Armstrong just learned that he will get to pin the Disciple on next week’s “WCW Worldwide”.
-Patterson and Brisco were busy getting Vince his coffee. Apparently, Vince likes his coffee like he likes his jobbers....PITCH BLACK. (Hey, the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ never caught a break..not once).
-Out came Ryan Shamrock......looking like she wanted some. Lawler called her the “World’s Most Dangerous Sister”....funny, I thought that distinction belonged to Oprah?
-Black and white shot of a house with the name “Cleavage” on the mailbox....looks like they’re getting ready for another tried and true BIT destined to send Bob Ryder running for his keyboard in a fit of offended rage and archaic morals.
-there isn’t a chick on this planet who would want to be Hyatte.....trust me, I asked them ALL.
-There's ANOTHER HYATTE SIGN!!! How about that CRZ?? How about that Scaia??? How about that Rich In KC? Now you all suck!! All of you...every last one of you!!!!!!!!! Hey Sushi X, YA’ BIG HARDON!!!! I DON’T PROMISE THEM PICTURES ON MY WEB PAGE!!!!!! I DON’T HAVE TO BRIBE THEM!!!!!! I GET THEM BECAUSE I AM THE KING OF THIS GODDAM PUNY LITTLE WEBBY THING!!!!!!!!! I GET THEM BECAUSE I RESPECT THE READERS!!!!! I GIVE THEM A LITTLE SOMETHING MORE!!!!! SURE IT’S LATE, SURE IT’S POORLY WRITTEN...BUT CHA’ KNOW WHAT? IT SPEAKS TO THEM...NOT AT THEM!!!!!
-THE MOP-UP IS THE PEOPLE’S COLUMN!!!!!! THE MOP-UP..IS.....IS....MY GOD..THE MOP-UP IS THE NEW BIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I have NEVER seen a Scaia sign on TV..and he’s been on the web longer than Al Isaacs even...what does THAT tell you?
-and, for the record...CRZ doesn’t care....because I made his ass more famous than any plugs from his bosses...he’ll admit to that too.
-Sable asks if we were ready for the Grind......why on Earth would she be plugging an MTV Dance show from 100 years ago hosted by that loser from the first “Real World”...Dan?
-By the way, Marc Mero is STILL with the company...you don’t think those floors at Titan Towers stay shiny all by themselves do you?
-It’s the Undertaker and his Ministry......which, of course, leads me to ask...”If this is a Ministry, then what does a Full Size "stry" look like?”...oh come on...it’s humorous..in a cute kind of way.
-The Ministry surround the ring (no Acolytes though.....they must be busy now that Magneto is back) and surround Sable.
-UT enters the ring and walks up to Sable.....Sable cowers a bit. UT told her to “fear not” (why do only demons, Hellspawns, and cultured, super intelligent terrorists that Bruce Willis is always shooting the only ones who say, “Fear not”?)
-Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Patterson had wandered over and saw all those security hunks knocked out...if you listened closely and blocked out Vince’s wailing, you could hear Pat scream, “SWEET LIBERTY!!! IT’S CHRISTMAS AGAIN!!!!!!!!”
-Test came out.....it took about 10 seconds for Wight to destroy him....thank God.
-Wight said that “Everything is going to change. And THAT is the last word!”...well, first of all, that is NOT the last word...according to Webster’s, “zymurgy” is the last word..it’s a noun...it means “applied chemistry dealing with the fermentation process, such as brewing”
-Shamrock is patrolling the backstage, looking for Stephanie McMahon.......someone might want to tell Kenny that a full grown girl would NOT be in Patterson’s dressing room....so there is no point in looking there.
-Sable came out.....followed by Nicole Bass....you think there is a Maxi Pad big enough to handle Nicole Bass? My guess is that she uses a roll of Bounty and a rope.
-By the way...to any and ALL Hackers out there...I, Chris Hyatte, have nothing but the UTMOST respect AND fear for you and your hard work and messing up sites. I would take a bullet for each and every one of you fine people.....I will NEVER badmouth you..and I will ALWAYS stick up for your line of work if the need arrives....by God...HACKERS ARE WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ‘ROUND!!!!
-So, you have me on your side...you also have my respect...and you scare the crap out of me...so PLEASE...leave me and this site alone....please..I’m a sad, sad person..this is the only thing that makes my life bearable...don’t take it away from me...please. Go mess with Sean Shannon again...give that fat heart of his an attack!
-Vince said that they were going to do it the Undertaker’s way. He would hand over all ownership of the WWF to UT in return for his daughter. Brisco woke up from his standing nap and asked Vince if he could even trust the Undertaker? With a depth of overacting that I haven’t seen since I last saw Heston scream “Get your filthy hands off me, you damned, dirty, APE!!” Vince looked at his two boys and said, “I guess I don’t have an alternative, now do I? But if that son of a bitch.....in any way.....has harmed Stephanie.......”. Oooo..the drama....the drama.....
-I woke up the next day on the bathroom floor naked with my head covered in partially digested Nachos Bell Grande, my wrist aching, and my ass bleeding. I also had a tattoo on my shoulder that read, “IT’S RAINING MEN”. Happy now? You got the whole, disgusting, story now......you could have stuck with the rooftop story and been perfectly happy, but NO!!!!!!
-Patterson and Brisco came out to Hulk Hogan’s old “Real American” song...for some unHoly reason...I am sporting the biggest boner of my life right now!
-Anywhoo....Lawler and Ross had fun with this...Lawler seemed to recognize the song...Ross drolled, “Hey bruther!”
-it’s a “Cleavage” segment......all I know is that I heard the word “Split Beaver” on National TV and it caused me to faint for a good 3 minutes.
-Billy Gunn is an “Ass Man”....as his song tells us. He also likes flat chested women...but “Flat Titty Man” wasn’t as catchy
-According to JR....X-Pac’s feet are Harvard Law grads. They lived in the same dorm room as Stan Lane’s feet....(there’s a little old school reference for you old farts to chew on.)
-Hey, now that he’s almost a lawyer, will Bob Ryder hire Mike Samuda for representation the next time someone slanders on him in their column?
-Of course, I have nothing against fat asses...Sean Shannon's mom had a MONSTER booty and I had no problem raping it to shreds...HOOFAAAAA
-Ross made it LOUD and CLEAR that even though The Godfather is a PIMP...he’s more of a Michael Keaton/Henry Winkler type of pimp...and NOT a bad momma jamma playa who gets his bitches high on crank then beats them up if they didn’t bring enough money in. He’s a GOOD chooch peddler!
-ak... women. Here’s a lesson for you kids....USE THEM OR BE USED!!!!!!! “True love” is dead...you got to train them.....your house, your rules.....beat them down, wear them down...treat them like crap....they will ALWAYS come back for more...F-ing ALWAYS!!!!!! Now excuse me while I go rub my weenie with my hand.
-Dan Marino was seen in the crowd.....he never did get to buy Joe Montana that Pepsi (HA!!! Try to figure that one out...JUST...YOU....TRY!!!!!!!!!)
-by the way, I seem to remember Bob Ryder saying that Raw had officially “bottomed out” when they were pulling “2”s a year and a half ago.....not to blast him for his UNBIASED opinion or anything but.......does this mean that Nitro is now “bottoming out” too? Someone should go and ask him.
-Michael Hayes is in a 6 man tag team match??? With no Buddy Roberts??? WITH NO TERRY “BAM BAM” GORDY???????????? (My God!!! Kerry Von Erich is spinning in his grave......so is Fritz.....so is David.....so is Michael......so is Chris.....so is Lance......so is Gino Hernandez......so is Kevin’s career......so is Rick Rude...good Lord...did ANYONE survive World Class Championship Wrestling?)
Next week... things get worse