The Midnight News 09.16.02
Posted By Hyatte on 09.16.02
Self-Fellatio, That Was So Gay, AIM Fun, Nash, Scherer, Nitro Quotes, Prison Food, Hollywood Juice, The Popcorn Trick, Smokers, and Honky.
being a true believer in the "bingo hall" myself, i would like to clarify on some comments put forth in your recent edition of the midnight news. the tears were the tears of a man who busted his ass in msg for the first time ever. for a wrestler growing up in ny, msg is a dream come true. for you to condemn his behavior and make light of it is wrong. dreamer has tried harder than former ecw star to adapt and bring out his abilities, but for non-wrestlers like yourself to condemn him in such a fashion is reprehensible. you try going out to a bunch of fans who are just there to see two or three so-called superstars and entertain them. the smarks on the web become one embodied area, one that focuses on a narrow margin of things they enjoy, and nothing above it. i write for a wrestling weekly and try my best to fitfully review wrestling from a general perspective. i like all forms, from scientific to what can be called garbage wrestling and probably know more about the sport than all of you collectively. next time your cheering for your crippled crippler, who can do no wrong, or your move stealing Olympic champion, who can also do no wrong, remember that there are other wrestlers in the wwe who try to entertain you.
Don’t ever... EVER... even come within the VICINITY of calling me a “smark”
The stuff on dreamer you said was pure stupidity. He is as good as any mid-card wrestler and better then the GAAAAME!
Oy... it was just a little JOKE guys...
Here, read this ... my REAL opinions on the Dreamer...
I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News, the only Monday column that manages to fill up pages and pages without giving you ANY sort of preparation for the big time rasslin' week ahead. I don't how HOW I do it... I just do... and I'm very, VERY proud of myself for it. HEH!!
Real quick, memo to Eric After a day of nothing but non-stop drama, media induced heartbreak, and sentimentality slammed down our throats, it was nice to end the day with a cold splash of ice water to the face. Nice job. I needed the contrasting opinion. I'm not sure WHAT I would have done if my column fell on 9-11, but I don't think I would be QUITE as maudlin as I was last year.
By the way, 411 would have NEVER fired you for your comments last year. We stick BY our writers, unless they (well, me) rag on Scooter. (oo, irony)
BUT, PLUG (BONUS)
SEE THIS? This is part one of a three part Mop-Up Retrospective that will be running for the next three weeks. I've finally raped every Mop-Up I have for all it's value and posting the "best" parts for a final, definitive, one time only review. For those who've been with me since Scoops, it's a look back at how I grew into an all around asshole... for you newbies, it's your only shot at seeing why I'm kind'a/sort'a known. In other words, see what all the fuss is about. You may laugh, you may shake your head in disgust... whatever. Everyone seems to be doing this... I figure I'll just give you something that might be worth killing time over... for a change.
And if you notice a... recurring theme or two... well, let me just thank Patterson, Schiavone, The Villanos, Dillenger, Goldberg, Scaia, Bob Ryder, Dave Scherer, all the other web ninnies, and especially Mark Madden for being muses of mine at various stages.
Part one of Raw is up now. Part one of Nitro will be up later tonight (Widro's idea, not mine), and this'll keep going until I gut my legacy like a fish. Savor it now kids, 'cause it's all you're ever gonna get.
Now for some REAL (sort of) NEWS! There ain't much... but I gave it a solid go.
BAD MEAT IN THE CAN
You expecting a long winded essay on how the WWE should have treated the "gay storyline" and how I, Chris Hyatte, felt after seeing this?
You know, I'll spare you the misery. I won't even make the lame-dick cautionary note that even though I am NOT gay, I am a wrestling writer and MUST comment. I'll spare you that nonsense too.
All I will say is I had a laugh at the GLAAD people, who first CHEERED the WWE for what they THOUGHT would be a well handled, intelligent, sensitive storyline that will send the message to the masses that yes, gays and straights CAN get along... even in the wrestling ring...
Then they JEERED the WWE for throwing a cup of warm yogurt on the backside of the well promoted storyline and yanking ALL sorts of chains... without lube.
Now hey... I have enough problems getting laid myself... if you can find some inner peace and love... whether it be with man, woman, or sheep... have a party. You should be allowed to vote, get married, join the Armed Forces, and make fun of Canadians, just like everyone else. I'm all for it... I'm comfortable in my manhood. I don't care.
But good lord... why trust Vince McMahon? Why the hell is ANYONE surprised at this?
Ever hear of Adorable Adrian?
In the 80's, rough, tough New Yorker Adrian Adonis was a hard nosed rassler who was all man and a modest mid-card success, specializing in tag teams (Jesse Ventura and Dick Murdoch held titles with him).
Then he got really fat and Vince wanted to boot him... but he was under a stiff contract, so Vince tried to encourage him to quit by changing his gimmick into "Adorable Adrian"... an ultra- fat muumuu wearing fagola who was made to drool like a dog over buffed out studs like Randy Savage and Paul Orndorff. He took over "Piper's Pit" and made it into "The Flower Shop" and used the forum to basically humiliate himself week after week. He did fashion shows, wore make-up, and lectured Elizabeth on womanly acts such as curtsying and "serving her man". A big, fat, sloppy queen... that was "The Adorable One". And Jimmy Hart was there as his Manager... and Jimmy wasn't exactly balancing the scales of "feyness" and "machismo" either. Jimmy had his own issues.
By the way, "Adorable Adrian", for a while, was the top Heel of the WWF too. That's right, the Gay Guy was a Bad Guy.
Eventually, Adrian's contract ran dry and Piper was brought back to put him out to pasture. He ran to the AWA, fatter than ever (due to stress) and ready to prove his MANHOOD... it never quite took. He was killed in a car wreck a little while later. PWI had to break their own little kayfabe and tell anyone who read that Adonis was as straight as a boner with an real life family too. The WWF made no acknowledgment. None that I could remember, at least.
That's what gays are to Vince, and wrestling in general. Jokes. Parodies.. Goldust, The Beverly Brothers, hell, even the Genius. Lenny and Lodi in WCW. How about that idiot Kwee Wee?
So, this is an OUTRAGE? Bullshit. It's friggin' TAME compared to what they've been up to.
Besides, Smackdown was a real hoot. I loved it. Bischoff RULES!!!
ME AND AIM
Sometimes... sometimes I just can't handle people... and I turn up the "douchebag-meter".
The following exchange is all true... it's lengthy, but stay with it. It's fun.
Matt The Rat: hey
Hyatte1com: I have no response for that.
Matt The Rat: oh sorry are you that hyatte dude
Hyatte1com: depends... are you that Mat the Rat dude?
Matt The Rat: i am
Hyatte1com: My GOD!! I'M SUCH A FAN!!!! I LOVE YOUR WORK!!!
Matt The Rat: my work?
Hyatte1com: the way you sneak around houses and fields, eating cheese and ducking hungry cats and owls... what skills scaring women silly
Matt The Rat: lol i never do that is a nickname but my real name is matt
Hyatte1com: your kidding?
Matt The Rat: i read your work for 411wrestling and i want to know can i be a writer/ranter
Hyatte1com: well first, we don't hire rats
Matt The Rat: is a nickname hyatte gave to me by my mom and second i'm handicapped
Hyatte1com: second, "ranters" are usually homosexuals...and we do NOT hire homosexuals
Matt The Rat: i'm not gay eather
Hyatte1com: how old are you?
Matt The Rat: 26
Hyatte1com: okay... what's your handicap?
Matt The Rat: i have cerebral palsy very mild
Hyatte1com: so you can walk and talk and work?
Matt The Rat: well i walk and talk but work i tried when i was in this program for disabled students in high school they can't find one for me
Matt The Rat: and also i know my wrestling stuff ask me anything
Hyatte1com: okay.... what was Bob Sweetan's finisher?
Matt The Rat: is bob sweetans in the 60's? if so i know 80's thru today
Hyatte1com: okay.... where does Bob Backlund live?
Matt The Rat: he live in ny or nor also bacland is a great champion right next to hogan in wwf now wwe also if wwe needs to come back ditch the split because the split is hurting the fans and also low ratings'
Hyatte1com: what's Bret Hart's favorite color?
Matt The Rat: pink by the tights he wore in is singles push and blue the original color of the foundation before pink
Hyatte1com: Bret's favorite color is purple or mauve
Hyatte1com: what color was Rick "The Model" Martel's kneepads?
Matt The Rat: i beleve it was blue or white
Hyatte1com: here's an easy one.... how long was Jericho's hair when he made his WWF debut... using the metric system, please
Matt The Rat: metric i say 54 inches long or longer in his wcw sint it was long for the added bonus Jericho’s bodyguard is raplhus
Hyatte1com: 76 metric inches
Matt The Rat: ask me about the IVhorsemen
Hyatte1com: okay... name them
Matt The Rat: ok the originals are ole,arn,flair,blanchard the luger,then sid i beleve roma sting,windham,jarrett,michmichel,pillman benoit,malnko and henning in 97 before joining the nWo
Hyatte1com: wrong, wrong WRONG
Matt The Rat: what? i got all of them
Hyatte1com: Famine, Pestilence, War, and Disease are the Four Horsemen
Matt The Rat: i meant in iv horsemen of wrestling
Hyatte1com: oh... oh
Matt The Rat: hey look some wrestling things i know and also the wwe(wwf) should be WCW
Hyatte1com: Matt, you got every answer wrong
Matt The Rat: i know but i follow wrestling thiugh since 86
Hyatte1com: how many times has Savage pinned Hogan?
Matt The Rat: none
Matt The Rat: ok 2
Hyatte1com: 47 times... Andy Savage pinned Syren Hogan 47 times in over 23 porn movies that they have performed in together
Hyatte1com: I'm sorry, Matt... you are not 411 material yet... Go to another site and practice your craft then come to us... give it a year
Matt The Rat: well what about this how about i will rant about survivor
Hyatte1com: why does 411 need a rant on Survivor?
Matt The Rat: well because to kept track what's being happing and also i know million dolla champions for the show
Hyatte1com: that's not an answer to my question
Matt The Rat: cause i wi ll rant about survivor my favorite show
Hyatte1com: once again... not the answer to my question... why do we need a ranter on Survivor?
Matt The Rat: because i want to be the first non wrestling ranter
Hyatte1com: I thought you said you weren't a homosexual?
Matt The Rat: i'm not gay also i like show outside of wrestling survivor is the game i like to see to my point of view
Hyatte1com: but, Ranters are homosexuals... and you keep saying you want to be a ranter...
Matt The Rat: well is scott keath a coulmns or a ranter if i want to do this i want to be the dennis miller of rants
Hyatte1com: you're off to a flying start
Matt The Rat: thanks
Hyatte1com: gotta go... later
Matt The Rat: you 2
Ugh, I can be such an asshole.
Thank Bloody Christ for that.
To show I am half nice, I corrected 35% of his errors.
HE'S TOO SEXY FOR HIS QUAD
Beating EVERYONE to the punch, I am the FIRST to announce that part four of www.kevinnash.net 's Rehabbing With Kevin Nash is up and... err... UP!!
This time, Nash talks about Eric Bischoff coming to the WWE!
He thinks it's "surreal", but good.
That ends the EXCLUSIVE Kevin Nash interview for this week. I'm sure Ross Forman is saving the GROUNDBREAKING, EARTH SHATTERING, stuff for the FINAL installment.
BUT, I'd like to say something... something to all you dickheads who poked fun at Nash’s thin, scrawny legs... the SAME people who made fun of Kane's smaller body.
Umm.. how many muscles... BESIDES your peckers, have YOU pulled?
Factor in this painfully simple concept... if you tear a muscle off the VERY BONE... you cannot move it... not even an INCH... much less lift a goddam weight. How, the BLOODY ASS F*CK are you able to maintain a well defined, cut, toned muscle if you cannot WORK IT OUT?
Oh, but what of Nash's OTHER leg? What of Kane's OTHER arm... tell you what... shred a fu**in' muscle, then you tell me how eager you are to hit the friggin' gym... you lazy ass computer staring monkey f*ck.
Look, Nash is easy to goof on... I'm not blind to that. He can be a goof and he has earned the nickname "Big Lazy"... but smarten up and do NOT rag on him, or Kane for not staying HUGE after a major injury... Jesus H... that's just retarded.
And besides, there's no sense in using steroids until the damn injury is healed.
How can you hate the man who once said, Where's the Dog when you need him the most? Lord knows I can't.
The following defense has been brought to you by Chris Hyatte: The Last Nash Fan & and the Most Popular Wrestling Web Columnist Among Females. (It's true too!! BOOYA!!)
PECKING OFF THE ROOSTER
So, I was tooling around 1bob, enjoying the site... soaking up the news, happy that I haven't done anything to get Bob mad enough to sue me lately when I end up right here.
It's Ask1W... a fine little column that either Dave Scherer or the other guy does... usually, their answers are pretty informative.
Well, one reader asked Dave just who was writing WCW programming at the end, and what happened to those writers. Well, Dave ran down the list, and included Terry Taylor.
As to what Taylor was up to these days, Scherer... Mr. I KNOW EVERYTHING... had THIS to say...
(Terry) Taylor works occasionally with indy groups. Other than that, I don't know what he is doing.
WHAT?? The Rooster is HERE!! He's been online for MONTHS! He actually contributes FREQUENTLY!! It's not that hard to look, Dave... it's a frickin' CLICK AWAY!!
I mean, JESUS... I'm not pushing the site or his column just to push it... but if Dave is one of these "experts" people DEPEND on, shouldn't he know this stuff? ESPECIALLY, easily CONFIRMABLE stuff like this?? It's sort of, you know... his responsibility... I mean Jesus, his got that girl Georgie there who keeps track of ALL the sites the wrestlers show up on... couldn't he simply ask her?
An honest mistake? Or is Dave being Dave? I refuse to judge. Just remember that most spell checks translate "Scherer" into "Schemer". Coincidence? Irony? I plead ignorance.
THE MESSIAH GIVES ROB BLACK THE FINGE.. ERR... THUMB!!
When two big black guys bust into your house and slice off your thumb, what do you do?
Why, you cut a PROMO!!!
In Philly, CZW hit the ECW Arena to RETAKE the building, and the state, and the hearts of those who care (both of you) from those no good digit extractors XPW and that slimy guy who bangs porn stars Rob Black!!!
The Messiah said those two "jabronies" just "couldn't get the job done"! He also said that he and John Walsh challenge Black and the two thumb chopping HEEL BASTARDS to an America's Most Wanted Handicapped Death Match!! The loser gets there peckers chopped off... while listening to Shane Douglas cut a drunken three hour promo on how Scott Hall made him look bad in Germany and screwed his career.
The Messiah finished by sticking out his thumb and screaming, "HOOOOOOO!!" Some crazy fan threw an old foam Sabu hand at him and knocked the thumb clean off again. Damn those ECW lemmings. The Messiah shouted, "IT'S OKAY, I'VE GOT NINE MORE!!" The crowd popped. All was well in Philly.
In a word... oy gevault
PWBTS reported this, but they did a little fibbing a couple of weeks ago with that Funk/Douglas fight that no one else confirmed... so I'm dumping salt all over this mother. But Bob Magee's a really nice guy.
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
Well, last week I ran some great bits from Raw, THIS week, as promised, here are some classic, funny moments from Nitro, and at least one from WCW in general...
BUT FIRST... let's start off with a pair BONUS RAW quotes, two of my favorites!!
Bonus 1)We are gathered here today to join Stephanie Marie McMahon in Unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness!! Will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon, accept the purity of Evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your Master and your spouse?- Paul Bearer
Bonus 2) Pat Patterson was waiting in the wings, looking to get into the back door!! The door wasn’t opened!!- Ross, commenting on backstage action
never stopped him before- Ross finished
Awesome... now let's hit it... I've numbered these bad boys so you can distinguish the one liners from the exchanges:
1) We've had wrestlers against wrestlers, now referees against referees? Maybe next we'll have announcers against other announcers?- Schiavone
I never liked Tenay- Heenan
2) I didn't even know Kimberly had an Action Figure!- Hudson, after someone pulled out a blow-up doll on Nitro
3) Every fan around the world wants to see the Harris Brothers go up against Kronic!!- Schiavone
4) Since the dawn of time, and carbon base lifeform has pulled himself out of that primitive puddle of slime, mankind has become the dominant species on the planet Earth. Goldberg has proven that we have reached the EPITOME OF EVOLUTION and tonight, he gets his chance to win the ULTIMATE, the Heavyweight Championship of the World!- Larry Zbyszko
5) and I would say it's a hundred percent. Everybody loves Goldberg. Everybody respects Goldberg- Schiavone
6) Hey, you want to ask me a question? Go ahead and AX me!- Bret Hart to Booker T
7) Giant, I'm gonna kick your a...I'm gonna kick your BOOTY!- Sting, getting WILD
8) You know what? My LOVERBOY tape is gone too!- Jericho, after accusing Lenny Lane of going through his gym bag
9) You shut up before we unplug your dialysis machine old man!- Nash to Zbyszko
10) The Nitro Girls are shaking....well, shaking their thing!- Okerlund
11) UN-RE-CRE-ATE-ABLLLLLLLLE- The Ultimate Warrior
12) NOTHING........NO MAN.....NO OBJECT.....NOTHING CAN STOP....MENG!!!!- Schiavone, 5 minutes before Meng jobbed out to Goldberg
13) I wanted to talk and you interrupted me! Go home!- Heenan
Go home?- Schiavone
Go home!- Heenan
I DON’T LIVE IN CANADA!?!?- Schiavone
Get out of here!- Heenan
I’m not going anywhere! I’m staying right here!- Schiavone
Well then you’re dumb!- Heenan
14) You are nothing but the DAN QUAYLE of WCW!!!- Roddy Piper
15) You’re absolutely RIGHT Tony! The folks at home may not se it, but DJ Rad REALLY brings an energy to Nitro that you can only experience by being here LIVE!- Mike Tenay
16) Charles Robinson, has become the first referee without pants!- Schiavone
17) The best part of Nitro is what happens during the commercials!!- Bischoff
18) SHOW YOUR TITS!!- Fans
I would but it’s awfully cold out here guys!- Nash
19) Steve Austin is one of the best promo guys in the world, but he can’t do one thing I can do in the ring.- Goldberg
20) Vince McMahon is AFRAID of "Assault on Devil's Island"- Eric Bischoff
21) Arn Anderson is a "walk behinder", and when you're a "walk behinder", 'The view never changes baby, the view never changes baby, THE VIEW NEVER CHANGES!- Dusty Rhodes
22) Nitro...WCW...don't need no stinkin' WRITERS!!!- Piper
23) ELBOW, ELBOW, WHO’S YOUR DADDY SILVER KING???? HE’S GOT THE PINATA!!! CANDY, CANDY, CANDY!!!- "Oklahoma" Ferrera
24) Boy, that Juventud! He was a great defensive lineman from Tijuana State!!- "Oklahoma" Ferrera
25) Here’s what’s going to happen. I told you at the start of this business. That they would manipulate you. They would knock it away. They would do anything to get me and you right here. Real life. They want to talk about my divorce to your Mother. They want to talk about your Brother and Sister. They want us to spill it. We’re not doing it. What we are going to do, because you think you’re Mr. Big Man now. You want it? I used to come home. You were six years old. You were wearing my boots! Here’s the deal, at the Great American Bash, pick out your favorite pair of my old boots. Because, YOU... DAVID FLEUHR...MY OLDEST SON... will wrestle RIC FLAIR... NOT YOUR DAD!!!- Ric Flair
Come Great American Bash, you better be ready to wrestle your SON! The one you left back in Minneapolis for so many years!- David
You know how many guys... Dusty Rhodes... Sting... Lex Luger... Harley Race. You know how many guys have told me to get ready? I LOVE GETTING READY!! I just didn’t want, this moment to COME! But you keep pushing it, so it’s going to happen!- Ric Flair
I’M READY!!! I’M READY, DAD... TO KICK YOUR ASS... AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH!!!- David
THEN DON’T WAIT!!! IF YOU’RE READY... DON’T TALK ABOUT IT! GET UP AND DO IT!! REMEMBER THIS: NOTHING IN LIFE! NOTHJING YOU EVER DO, IN YOU’RE ENTIRE LIFE, WILL MAKE YOU ANY HIGHER, WILL GIVE YOU A BATTER BUZZ, WILL GET YOU CLOSER TO REALITY, THEN WRESTLING RIC FLAIR... AND NOT YOUR DAD... AT THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH!! -Ric Flair
And here’s how big it is to me. You’ve embarrassed me. You’ve embarrassed your family. Here’s how big it is to me... if ,by the grace of God, I don’t care how it happens, if I lose to you... I will retire from this business for the rest of my life. That’s how big it is to me. If I lose to YOU, you EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR FAMILY... if I lose to YOU... I will retire from this business forever!!!"- Ric Flair
A great moment... of Russo's few during his WCW run
I'D KILL FOR FREE FOOD
Texas... F-around in Texas and you will pay.
But they'll be sure to FEED you before!
I did this before, and no one complained... so I'm doing it again!! Hey, I like it.
Here are what some inmates ordered for their final meal before Texas made them ride ol' sparky. I WAS going to point out what they did to earn a painful death, but it turns out, they were all murderers. And a few armed robbers.
Prisoner #999082... Tony Walker killed 09/10/2002: French fries, five pieces of fried chicken, and three Dr. Peppers (THREE DR. PEPPERS??? Clearly, Tony planned on giving the guards some MAJOR mopping up after he rode the lightening.... or maybe he hoped to short out the electricity?)
Prisoner #759... Eliseo Moreno killed 03/04/1987: Four cheese enchiladas, two fish patties, french fries, milk catsup and lemon pie (Milk Catsup? Ugh... those nutty sociopaths are so GROSS)
Prisoner #916 ... Richard Beavers killed 04/04/1994: Six pieces of french toast with syrup, jelly, butter, six barbecued spare ribs, six pieces of well burned bacon, four scrambled eggs, five well cooked sausage patties, french fries with catsup, three slices of cheese, two pieces of yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing, and four cartons of milk (Now THAT'S how you do it... chow down, big daddy
Prisoner #999178... Toronto Patterson killed 08/28/2002: Six pieces of crispy fried chicken, four jalepeno peppers, four buttered buttermilk biscuits, chef salad (with bacon bits, black olives, ham, and Italian dressing), six Sprites, and white cake with white icing (I just love the name. I plan on naming my child--male or female-- "Toronto"... Toronto Hyatte-Stratus! Yeah! That's right, I'm taking HER name... you would too, loser!)
Prisoner #667... Ramon Hernandez killed 01/30/1987: Beef tacos, beef enchiladas, jalapeno peppers, salad onion, hot sauce, shredded cheese and coffee. (Now, Ramon here knew the score. If he was NOT going to die, he would've been in for one HELL of a fiery bowel movement off this crap)
Prisoner #714... Jeffery Barney killed 04/16/1986: Two boxes of frosted flakes and a pint of milk (looks like Jeffery was hoping to relive some happier, more innocent times... alas, I doubt Tony the Tiger gave the poor bastard much hope... damn Tiger)
Prisoner #804... Ruben Cantu killed 08/24/1993: Barbecue chicken, refried beans, brown rice, sweet tea and bubble gum (bubble gum is not permitted under TDCJ regulations) (You ever try to wipe after swallowing gum? Once I ate an entire packet of Big League Chew and spent a two friggin' hours on the can wiping at the mush... trust me, the guards weren't gonna put up with THAT shit ((bet'cha cherry ASS that pun was intended)))
Prisoner #678... Chester Wicker killed 08/26/1986: Lettuce and tomatoes (Because impending death is NOT and excuse to let your figure GO!!)
Prisoner #822... Robert Madden killed 05/28/1997: Asked that final meal be provided to a homeless person (a Madden that actually TURNS DOWN a meal? No shit?)
Just remember... if YOU have to go... and have a choice, go for the gas... clear the lungs, bend down, let the room fill up, take a deep breathe and BOOYA... you're offering St. Peter the best prison blowjob you have in you for a ticket into the gates.
All this talk about death makes me... wishful. Those lucky bastards.
Nope. No newsletter showed up on time.
So far, in the three weeks I've been doing this tally, the Torch has given me prompt, professional, timely service TWICE and has failed to satisfy it's customer TWICE...
50%. Wade's batting .500. I guess come renewal time, I'll have to give Meltzer a shot and throw my hefty influence towards him.
They've got PLENTY of time to impress me... I'm REALLY, REALLY want to kiss their ass here. I swear.
Now, a retraction.. last week I bashed Bruce Mitchell's newsletter column where he did some sort of ULTIMATE fantasy draft. I called it "pathetic" and "unreadable".
Well, on a second look, I now see that I was wrong. It was actually quite a good read and Bruce even threw in a lesson about how the WWE, despite all their crowing about being modern and "better than ever" are still treading on well familiar territory. A very good column.
The BAD NEWS... Bruce's silly ass essay on the website about HLA and the Bill and Chuck wedding where he did nothing but incessantly shoehorn jokes about "not being gay himself" was a ridiculously amateur narrative device that failed to make his point. I expect someone from Online Onslaught to come up with that slush, not Bruce Mitchell.
THOSE NUTTY CELEBRITIES
If you've been with me a'while, then you know how I like to visit the The A-List gossip site and plunder it mercilessly. You've probably gone there and memorized all the info too... so you're sitting there thinking: "F*ck Hyatte! F*ck him up his f*cking ass! I saw all this already!"
Well, yeah, you did. And you should. I didn't do the work here, I'm just promoting it. But, if you didn't go check it out (or found that it's ALWAYS down for one reason another), then you'll like this...
Connery, Sean. Arrogant and self-satisfied sexist. Abuser of women. Never graduated from high school. Wears a toupee. Notorious tightwad. Requires a penis pump to function with women. Linked with Ursula Andress, Brigitte Bardot, Kim Basinger, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Gena Rowlands, Lana Turner, Shelley Winters, Lana Wood, and Catherine Zeta-Jones, who impressed him with her oral skills.
Hayworth, Rita. Betrayed her Latino heritage and became kept woman of and unpaid prostitute for Howard Hughes--all to stay in Hollywood and be a star. Victim of child abuse. Linked with Kirk Douglas, Glenn Ford, Aly Khan, Peter Lawford, Victor Mature, Robert Mitchum, David Niven, Tyrone Power, Anthony Quinn, James Stewart and Orson Welles (who did not treat her well).
Pope Paul VI. Wasn't just a Pope; was also a Queen.
Pope Pius XII. Morally vile; anti-Semite who deserves as much moral condemnation as it is possible to give for his contemptible and inexcusable actions before and during WW2, when he could have helped the Jews of Europe but did not. Is, if there's any justice, burning in Hell as I type this.
Tyler, Stephen. Recovering drug addict; penchant for oral sex (giving) has led to std on his tongue and throat. Throws tantrums backstage if caterer screws up.
Wood, Elijah. A very nice man.
Welch, Raquel. "Evil to the core." Breast implants and "silicone from the ankles up." Very difficult to work with; prima donna wannabe. Linked with Richard Burton.
And, since this is all about filling spa... I mean HAVING FUN... let's check out some feuds that are going down... (according to rumors!!)
Kevin Spacey vs RuPaul (RuPaul wants Kevin to come out of the closet)
Eric McCormack (Will) vs Debra Messing (Grace) (He's well-liked on the set. She's a shrill, humorless, self-important shrew who thinks she's above such things as palling with crew members)
Bruce Willis vs Richard Gere (Willis didn't want to act next to Gere because Gere wasn't "manly" enough. Gere heard of these comments)
Charlie Sheen vs Rosie Perez (CS said that her voice would drive him to heroin)
Hugh Grant vs Tom Cruise (Grant was scornful of Cruise appearing shirtless on magazine covers. Said it wasn't 'manly.' I couldn't make this up if I tried)
And that's it... all the guy does is sort out all the tabloid gossip and organize it. Takes a lot of work for the guy... God bless him... boy saved my lazy ass more times than I can count.
THE JARRETT JOUST
Best I can do... closest I could come to relating it to "The Ross Report"
Jeff Jarrett went on Wrestling Classics and SWORE he wasn't promoting anything... then went ahead and promoted the shit out of the next NWA PPV. Eh, they need it, baby.
Syxx-Pac will be there.
Scott Hall will be there.
Jarrett is "curious" as to how to "Truth"/Lynn title match will go down.
Road Dogg will be there.
Disco will WRESTLE!!
Mike Tenay will be DRUNK!!
Hermie something will be there.
But the big news... Dustin "Screech" Diamond WILL be there and will DIRECTLY CHALLENGE HORSHACK TO A REMATCH... even tough he won the first time... beat the crap out of the poor slob, quite frankly....
This time, he wants that OLD HISPANIC BASTARD EPSTEIN!!!! HE'LL PLOW THROUGH EVERY SWEATHOG AND MR. KOTTER AND THAT DAMNED OLD FOSSIL PRINCIPLE UNTIL HE REACHES HIS DREAM.... HIS MECCA... UNTIL HE REACHES.... TRAVOLTA!!!!
Me, I just want to see Goldylocks do one of those cool interviews were she listens to the promos being cut while staring at the camera with a look that screams, "The holy F**K am I doing here? Where's my goddam AGENT?? I am the KID ROCK of Grrl Rock and I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!! One night, I NOW she'll offer oral sex to Carson Daly on air in exchange for a slot on TRL.
We need the alternative, kids... buy the PPV... don't depend on recappers.
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY
Not sure when I did this, all I remember is that it was during Nitro. I was bored trying to recap some silly match (probably a Konan fiasco) and decided to gibe you kids some pointers on how to get "some"... booya... still works today, so heat up 'dem printers:
-Oh God, I.. I can't handle this anymore... Let's instead FINALLY get around to describing the POPCORN TRICK!!!
-Yes, I got this off Stern... which means SOME of you probably got it off Mancow, Opie and Anthony, or some other douchebag a few days later. In any case, I shall outline it as easy as possible... just know your alphabet A,B,C
-A: Take your date to a movie... HER choice.
-B: Buy a large tub of Popcorn. EXTRA butter (gotta lube up that bad boy!!)
-C: Sodas are optional
-D: Find a seat in the back.
-E: Wait until the lights go down for a while
-F: Reach in under the Popcorn tub with a knife, a pen, or even your car keys and puncture a nice hole on the bottom.
-G: Place Tub on your lap
-H: Lift Tub a little and unzip.
-I: Obviously, do NOT wear underwear
-J: Fiddle with your thing a little... prime the pump.
-K: Insert into that hole.
-L: Move tub around periodically to keep the blood pumping. The anticipation every time she reaches in should help too.
-M: Try paying attention to the movie. Make it a challenge
-N: Start shoveling in the popcorn to kill it before she gets full.
-O: Eventually... she reaches in and ... hello there
-P: Remove tub... bend her over the front seat, bang the crap out of her. The butter makes everything nice and smooth for a little anal.
-Q: Go home happy.
BOOYAA.... wait 'till I try this number on TRISH!!
MY THREE STOOGES
Nuke: dude you suck...
Nuke: update your frickin site man...
Nuke: You are Hyatte's bitch
OORick signed off at 11:16:59 PM.
According to "Nuke", The Rick lasted 9 whole minutes. God Bless him.
And as a follow up to last week's little missive on a certain silly little c*nt... from a reader who, among a SCARY AMOUNT of others, were jumping for joy that someone finally told her off... (names of which are withheld because they still post there and would like to remain doing so)
GAY is also getting your IP address banned from Weinerville for daring to poke a bit of harmless fun at CRZ, who we should all bend over and lube up for because he saves our souls with his recaps.
GAY is getting your IP address banned from Weinerville because you dare to criticize CRZ.
GAY is also banning people from Weinerville for posting on CRZ's old EzBoard after the move.
GAY is CRZ's girlfriend's legendary catchphrase of "OMG. Shut Up. All Of You" and then getting banned from WV because you dare to call it her catchphrase.
Yep... that's gay all right.
F *ck 'em, I'm done with this. I imagine most of you are bored by now.
THE GREAT WRESTLING SMOKE-OUT
Okay, for those, who are arriving late the party, a recap:
The following folks were named as being seen sparking the Marlboro’s....
Lex Luger, El Gigante, Jason: The World's Sexiest man, Andre the Giant, Paul Wight, Ricky Morton, Yokozuna ,Rick Rude (although he probably quit by now), Nick Patrick, Tommy Rich, One of the Hebners...the one who screwed Bret at the Survivor Series, One of the white Dudleys, Superstar Bill Graham, The Sandman (DUH) Jim Duggan (in High school at least), Jimmy Snuka, Shawn Michaels (at least when he's drunk), Steve Regal, James Vandenberg , Gene Okerlund, Philip Lafon, Kane, and Randy Savage
Rena Mero is an occasional smoker. Shawn Michaels is too.
...and the two guys who elicited the MOST response...which tells me that they are BIG TIME chain smokers.. John Kronus and Jim Ross.
Here are some guys who have been seen chewing tobacco...now I have been dipping Copenhagen for over a decade now..so I consider these guys my brothers in spit: Terry Funk, Kurt Angle, The Undertaker, Steve Austin, Rick Steiner, Dusty Rhodes, Dustin Rhodes, Rick Rude (again, chances are that he gave it up by now) and the BIGGEST chain chewer of all time.... TAZ
Tammy Sytch and Chris Candido have had their share of problems, and I'll pound nails into my pecker if Missy Hyatt isn't a smoker. Have you HEARD her voice?
Years ago, someone was at a party with Shawn Michaels and Road Warrior Hawk, and... well... they were both seen smoking (AN EXTREMELY NASTY SUBSTANCE) from a can... and it wasn't the mary jew wanna either... (once again, this was a LOOOONG time ago and both men have changed their ways and have SEEN THE LIGHT... and it COULD be bullcrap too... so no suing!)
Rob Van Dam once asked someone if they had any pot on them. Tommy Rich BLEW OFF a fan in order to get high too.
So, we are up to date... now let's add some new names...
Well, sort of... I found these in an old Mop-Up and never bothered to incorporate them in the master list... so let's fill some space and RECTIFY
Brian Christopher, Road Dog, Pat Patterson, Jake Roberts, Balls Mahony, Van Hammer, Scotty Riggs, and Edge have all been caught smoking!
Debra and Jerry Lynn MIGHT smoke....Francine MIGHT smoke too.
For you Jap fans... Senator Atsushi Ohnita is a chain smoker. I'm sure you care.
Someone claimed that Brian Pillman and Steve Austin shared a doobie with a friend of his during their brief stay in ECW.
Jimmy Snuka is said to be a HUGE pothead, and recently fessed up to being a coke fiend.
Jake Roberts?? DAMN!!!!
Oh, and Scott Hall has had his fair share of... "issues"... yes, and Santa doesn't exist either.
Remember... I'm counting on YOU to keep me informed of who's doing what and why and how much and, most importantly, how f-ed up they are.
I think I'll sock everyone and NOT plug the Mop-Up retrospective.. again.
This is Velocity, This is Heat, & This is Confidential. Done by, in no real order, Jennette, Gibbons, and Brower. Better them than me.
Josh Nason burns up a speedy Fight Club that ponders the career of X-Pac. Josh proves that the old adage "less is more" can be true sometimes. Quick and no bullshit. Satisfying stuff
Jim Vanderhorst is outraged over how the Gay People are being treated I'm sorry, but I think the t-shirt with the big tongue + the box = HLA is hilarious... sue me.
Daniels decided that there WAS no "Week in Wrestling", so he just debated whether the WWE had "Jumped the Shark" it's the Cheapest Heat on the market
Jacob Ziegler avoids all this homersexshule controversy and simply runs down his list of Stars who should have been champions. It's a nice change of pace.
I hear the Smarks are all on strike until Sean Shannon comes back and brings Jeff McGuiness with him. I'd take it a step further and wait until Scooter lures Tom Actuary out of the wilderness and back to cyber-civilization too. Either that, of the Scotsman ran them all into hiding.
TAKE US HOME, HONKY
The webmaster got me in. Now, HTM is charging only $4.95 a month for you to get in. They've got chats, message boards, commentary, and Honky will be interviewing people too. $5, you cheap pricks... gibe it a chance for a months... do it in honor of the outraged gay people THE WORLD OVER!!!!
Just a few quick bits this week. First, Honky gets wind of ANOTHER jerk-off promoter with a big mouth and no $$ to back it up:
Tom Lance promoter in Texas as Superstars Of Wrestling has bounce more checks. This time to Kamala. Lance has also stiffed the buildings and the charities with bad checks. He is one sorry assed son of a bitch.
Now here are a pair of Ross Report translations... something he likes to do from time to time:
Ross: Congrats to Fit Finlay and his wife, Mel, on the birth of another son.
Translation: Fans, maybe one of these days Fit Finlay will finally figure out what is causing all those children. While that may be doubtful it just could happen. He thinks it is from eating my barbecue sauce because I told him that the last time. He also rubs it on his head because I also told him it grows hair.
Ross: Shelton Benjamin, when properly introduced on TV, is going to evolve into one helluva wrestler.
Translation: Shelton Benjamin will do just fine if we don't screw up like we have done to scores of others. I am still trying to figure out which idiot around here let Ron "H2O" Waterman go.
Honky, or Ryan, should talk to Terry Taylor about ANOTHER promoter who weaseled out of things after people already invested personal money into a show.
Alright... I'm out of here.
I realize... there wasn't much news in here... but it was a dead week... aside from all that gay stuff.
Eric handles the hard news... Grut offers a little Thursday levity... Ashish does a mean Brokaw impression on Friday, and Flea continues to get cockier and more "inside" on Saturdays (what the hell does "idear" mean?) If there's a PPV next week, I won't be around.. if there isn't, I will be.
Mop-Up Nitro Retro will be up by midnight tonight... Mop-Up Raw Retro is up right now. I promise at least ONE smile... and maybe a laugh... maybe.
This is Hyatte