And Another Thing: The Mop-Up Raw (Part III) 9.30.02
Posted by Hyatte on 09.30.2002
The retrospective wraps up... and the douchebag burns out
Here is the last part. From ScoopThis and anything notable done here at 411.
See if you can pinpoint exactly where I started becoming terribly bored with this whole thing.
The final Nitro retrospective will be up tomorrow evening.
WASTING MY LIFE!!! (part III)
-X-Pac went for the Bronco Buster. HHH moved. I blame the Glass Ceiling.
-Jericho was covered in red. Again, I am reminded of the few times I did my manly duty and muff dived into the “red sea”. Sick? Yes. Disgusting? You bet’cha. Necessary? Alas... yes... alas.
-Hey, how ironic is it that a guy who got in trouble for posting Bob Ryder’s phone number is now on a site called “411”?
-Blackman responds with a front thrust kick into the chair, which was positioned between the foot and Doggy’s face. Hence, said chair is propelled into said face. The scientific term is “Transferred Haberdashery”
-commercials. “Hollow Man” asks “What would you do, if no one could see you?” Umm.. write on the Internet?
-AT&T; apparently paid for Rikishi to jump off the cage, obviously in hopes that he kills himself in the process. Thanks to Discrimination laws and Civil rights... Obese people are the ONLY Race that can still be abused without causing riots. (Tough to riot when you refuse to get out of your chair and when everyone can outrun you). Do you’re Civil Duty people, beat up a Fat Body TODAY!!!
-The good news is... when you hang a fat person from a tree, the branch will always break... so you get to hang him several times! What used to be a five minute deal now turns into an all night lynching!!
-Lita comes out. Her pants are hitched down so that the crack of her thong was showing. This is what Wendy Richter fought for?
-Ross said that the Undertaker was undertaken (HAW) to a “Medical Facility somewhere in Austin”. Then he said that he never even FATHOMED THE POSSIBILITY that The UT would EVER need Medical help. (So... when Kane lit the Casket on fire with him in it... did that 5 ounce bottle of Bactine in the First Aid kit do the trick?)
-Jerry Lawler explains that the reason we see these Cockroaches all night is because USA has a movie called “They Nest” where Cockroaches live in people’s bodies and feed on what people eat. Then on Friday night, they get all dressed up, put on lipstick, adopt a Puerto Rican Accent, head out to the Rhode Island nightclub scene get drunk, and get picked up by drunken, self-loathing Internet Gods.
-Speaking of Kayfabe, I recently learned that two writers from the “PWI Family”, Liz
Hunter, the sexpot that every wrestler tried to pick up, and Matt Brock, the grizzled old
veteran who done it all and seen it all were actually total fabrications. I don’t know about
you... but this was a TOTAL SHOCK to me. I swear, I don’t know whether to laugh or
spend 5 pages reaming out guys like Apter and Saks for swerving me all these years.
-HH & the Letter between “G” and “I” came out with a fist full of Roses comes to the ring with a microphone. F-The Luchadors... Atlanta has been waiting MONTHS for a good, solid, 20 minute promo that feels like an hour!!!
-But when he DOES make mistakes, he admits it. For instance, he was out there tonight to admit to making a “very big mistake” (uh oh... he’s about to admit to being the guy who smeared Bacon Grease all over the rafters in St Louis... IT WAS A PRACTICAL JOKE, DAMMIT!!! HOW WAS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?)
-Steph stood in the ring and took the mic. She told HHH that he had “no idea how much you hurt me”. (Backstage, Ike Turner screamed, “WELL YOU AIN’T SEEN SHIT YET, TINA!!” Then took off his shoe and began running toward the curtain. X-Pac stopped him by throwing some of that “powder” he used in the last segment into Ike’s face. Ike began dreamily walking around and muttering, “Damn fine... damn sweet... damn smooooth”)
-Stephanie asked HHH how HE would feel if SHE was “bent over.. in front of some guy.. in front of Kurt Angle?” The crowd popped... as did millions of Cherry ass marks at home, I’m sure.
-as did I... dammit
-Summerslam spot where Chyna clotheslines this really fat guy on a beach... wow... which Wrestleline writer got THAT gig?
-Trish entered Hunter’s locker room to get ready for the match. Hunter threw her out. Usually, one waits until AFTER coitus before doing this.
-Scaia pimped himself and Wrestleline out over some new "Net Awards" deal. I checked it out and saw that I was nominated for a category. Since Scaia's the only moron who mentioned this, despite NUMEROUS names and sites up for an award... I will keep silent about it until I know it's a legit thing, and not some half ass scam of some sort. The funny part is, Scaia already sort of accepted the award and thanked the producers of Wrestleline for their hard work, like the true suck job that he is.
-HHH is LIVID at the sight of Angle hugging Stephanie... look at those nostrils FLARE!! Ooops, there goes someone's baseball hat... right up the damn thing.
-Backstage, we see Stephanie pacing back and forth with her WWF Chick belt... now it's HER turn to wait for her mate. The question beckons, "How many cows had to die in order for her to fit into those leather pants?
-Another question... if the cows that donated their hides for her pants had "Mad Cow Disease"... will Stephanie catch a case of "Mad Vagina Disease"? Will it grow teeth? Tentacles? Tentacles WITH teeth?
-I'd still do her... even WITH tentacles with razor sharp teeth... like Wolverine, my pecker is laced with adamantium... I can take it.
-Fireworks and fans welcome us to New York, New York. In the famous Madison Square Garden... which is more oval than square... isn't even really NEAR Madison Avenue... and the only "plant" in this "Garden" is all the doobage that is no doubt being enjoyed in various stalls and locker rooms.
-ah yes... New York, where there are now an officially incalculable number of rats... all the size of a Chihuahua... they all travel in packs, and now CHASE people. Which tells me that I can NEVER live there. Jesus, I see a mouse and I'm on top of my chair screaming like a little girl.
-I once fainted when a spider crawled up my arm... if a pack of rats chase me, I may just drop dead.
-and if a pack of BLACK rats start chasing me... I'm throwing my wallet AND my girlfriend at them.
-Yes, Benoit won on Thursday... and yes, Benoit will win tonight... and... and... of this is so PONDEROUS man... so PONDEROUS (I want someone out there to use their F-ING brain and not have me come out of an Up-Tempo song with a DEATH DEDICATION!!!)
-News update: That fake tooth Benoit used a few weeks ago has been reported "missing"... Nancy Sullivan refuses to submit to a full cavity search.
-X-Pock comes out. Ross proudly announces that this night is the 17th consecutive sell-out for the WWF at MSG. It WOULD have been the 52nd consecutive sell out were it not for the time Vince went nuts and decided to ban anyone named "Schwartz" from entering the building...
-X-Pac went down... Rikishi looked out into the crowd. Lawler said that X-Pac was in a "precarious situation" Umm... no... a "precarious situation" is when you open your door to find that 15 year old (who swore she as 18 when you picked her up at the Mall) standing there holding a Pregnancy Kit with a big, fat blue stain in it's center and her Father next to her wearing Denim bib overalls with a shotgun in one hand and a Priest in the other while your wife is stepping out of the shower and your three young kids are asking you who these people are. My friends... THAT is a precarious situation!
-They come out. Stevie sez that Mayor Guiliani has done WONDERS with New York. It's much "cleaner, safer, and more acceptable for tourism". Well geeze... when your Police force starts jamming toilet plungers up the old ying yang as a means of rehabilitation, the criminal element tends to take notice and hightail it to Jersey for a spell.
-Not that I'm AGAINST the policy. By God... SODOMIZE EVERYONE!!!! LEAVE SPLINTERS IN THEIR COLON!!!!!
-Rocky kicks out of the pin. Ross asked God how Rocky could do that? A voice rumbled from EVERYWHERE, "Because it's fake, stupid!". The Hell is God doing watching RAW?
-Lawler backs down... somewhere in Hell Andy Kaufman would be weeping... if Satan didn't weld his eyelids shut (come on people... Kaufman laid down with WHORES!! He's roasting in Hell... right next to Hitler, Attila, and John Lennon)
-respect Lawler... or, as my little 17 year old flower-Amanda- calls him... "That 'Man On The Moon' guy?"
-UT grabs the mic and says that Bush's Social Security reforms and dedication to Education will coincide with the prospering and the growth of the Nation's tax surplus. TBS takes a mic and says Gore's stand on the environment and his support of the Right to Choose can only help continue the last few years of National Growth and low unemployment records. Ross groans and says, "Stop the damn debate!"
-Jericho's all set to fight. You can tell by the cute little sneer he has on his face.
-Oh right... right... and Polly Draper was a real babe! She looked exactly like my first real love Total slut bag who wouldn't TOUCH me. I left a dead Rat in her mailbox. Her Grandmother found it and dropped dead. THAT showed her!
-Oh you people have no CLUE the depths I will go... my past Online deeds barely scratch the surface. I scare myself at the level of joy I take in other people's sorrow.
-Once I saw someone get hit in the face with a line drive during a Little League game... I laughed for an HOUR!!!! Noting funnier than an Infant catching a 90 mph hunk of Rawhide in the mush right in the stroller.
-Once my Father's chair collapsed under his as he leaned back while the cable guy was installing our system. The Sumbitch wiped out and his head landed in the dog dish FILLED with Alpo. It took EVERY FIBER, MUSCLE AND OUNCE OF WILL I had to hold the laughter in. It strained so hard I actually popped a vessel on my forehead. Had headaches for a WEEK afterwards.
-Backstage, Shane McMahon tries to calm down a FURIOUS Chris Benoit. Benoit is SO mad he RIPS his shirt off (ONCE again... I PROMISE you.. some fat slob in that Rhode Island audience just LOUDLY announced that Benoit "ain't got shit")
-Ross got steamed, "I know what's best for MY kids, pal!!!!!" (and if his kids don't agree with him, Good Ol' Jr has a wood paddle with their NAME on it, by God!!!)
-He tags in Jeff. Jeff runs at Bull. Bull ducks. Jeff sees him ducking and says "Well by God I'm going to beat the everloving shit out of the air above him anyway", and swings. Take THAT, oxygen!
-We leave too, right to the "Friendly Tap". The Biggest Irony of them all. Here I am... the Internet Hooligan... with Wrestling's (possibly) most popular hangout spot a mere TWO MILES from my house... and I REFUSE to go over!
-Why? What am I going to do there? GAPE AT THEM LIKE A MARK??? Ask them if they heard of me? Oh PLEASE!
-Out came Sticky Balls Foley (ever try eating Cotton candy and scratching yourself? You'll end up with sticky balls too, amigo)
-NOTE: I missed the first few minutes of the show for personal reasons... my Dog was run over in the street and was mashed. My poor dog... who never hurt anyone... the only friend I really have. Now he's gone. He died, whimpering in the street. Alone.
-okay... I'm sorry. I know you don't care. All you want are your crappy little homo jokes and stupid little wise ass remarks. You don't care about me or my pain. Screw you Hyatte, just make us laugh. Fine. I will. PATTERSON IS A FAG!!! HAHAHAH HOHOHO HEE HEE HEE.. like that? Happy now? My F-ing DOG IS DEAD AND ALL YOU WANT IS STUPID BAD JOKES. I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!! YOU CAN ALL DIE!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!
-I come in just as the fireworks go off. It's Vietnam all over again. Ollie Stone has just purchased the rights to this opening theme. Tommy Lee Jones will star as the pyro guy. Expect lots of cross cuts. Oh I'm rolling now.. funny funny funny...
-my poor dog... he was all I had. F-the girlfriend. She never licked my fa.. well, she did.
-Unconditional love... my dog loved me unconditionally. Some A-Hole took my friend away from me... but you want a column... HEAVEN F-ING FORBID I MISS A COLUMN.
-The suckiest part is... the one person who could make me feel better lives 2000 miles away, somewhere in Florida. NO, NOT MICASA... GEEKS!!!
-Where are they? Greensboro, North Carolina... Flair country. Yippee skippy...
-How can those fans be so excited? DON'T THEY KNOW MY DOG JUST DIED????
-WWF New York is LIVE and SMOKING!!! I bet a New Yorker ran over my Dog... F-ing scumsucker
-I guess Foley did some pre-show bit that I missed while I was scraping my DOG OFF THE ROAD!!! It should be a law of nature... no pet should have to die without their owner there to comfort them.
-I wonder if that F-Face driver blew his horn before crashing into my Dog? Probably not! I am going to hunt him down and strangle him with his wife's clitoris.
-Backstage, a worrisome HHH is looking for any Limo that might have his wife in it. X-Pac came up to him and asked if Hunter has seen a White Duck wearing a kilt running around looking for a bottle of White Vinegar and a tube of Crest. HHH took one look at X-Pac and said, "Sean, you have GOT to cut back on the Crystal Meth, bro."
-HHH was on the stick and said that Angle excels at playing the "ignorant jackass". Hunter assured him that NOBODY plays the "ignorant jackass better than Angle"... (WHAT??? excuse me, but let me quote Vincent K. McMahon... "Steroids? Not in the WWF, pal!" Sorry, but Vince is STILL the H.I.J.I.C)
-Hunter whistles, "Whoop Dee Doo"... which is what I am SURE you scum buckets said to your computer after reading that my DOG HAS BEEN RUN OVER LIKE AN ANIMAL!!!! Well, okay, he WAS an animal... BUT HE WAS MY ANIMAL DAMMIT!!! MINE!!! HAVE YOU NO HEART??? HAVE YOU NO SOUL???
-Backstage... Chyna and Eddie Guerrero watched all this. Chyna felt bad for HHH. Eddie said, "Don' feel bad for Treble Aitch, Mamasita!! Feel sorry for ME! Tengo un chica with a nueve month periodo NADA!!!" (Yeah? Well who will feel sorry for ME!!!!! My Dog's dead and Casey Kasem isn't dedicating ANY up-tempo song to him!!!!)
-Vak went right ti wirj ib XCgyt... I'm sorry, I have tears in my eye... my Chihuahua is gone... his name is Chico... WAS Chico
-Edge and Christian limp out... all banged and bruised. Ross reminds us that their TLC match last night blew everything else he's ever seen in his life away (Umm... Jim? Windham... Dr Death... Starrcade... Western States Heritage title... Williams takes one in the jimmies... spends 20 minutes recovering... Barry takes a header... Williams rolls him up for the win... how DARE you compare.)
-at the 5 second mark, the Hardys ran out and cleaned up. The took off their shirts... the girls screamed, as did quite a few guys (homos). I wonder if Chico screamed when he was hit? Why... oh why?
-He mouthed off to Ross. Blackman tossed him a trashcan. Tazz caught it and said, "Gee, thanks Steve... never got a gift before! Maybe I should try to be nicer to people? maybe I should start making friends? Would you be my fr..."
-Blackman kicked the can and Tazz went flying, I heard him yell, "AH CRAP!!"
-Angle observed his handiwork with approval. Chyna knelt next to both men. She gave no indication as to who she was more concerned over. Nobody is concerned over me. Oh no, I only lost a dog.. a cherished pet. F-me... F-the clown. just keep dancing Hyatte... Keep dancing your little hacked up dance. PERFORM HYATTE!! PERFORM FOR US!!!
-Ross brags that 40'000 people have registered to vote by way of the WWF. I can just imagine Tom Brokaw saying, "And in a shocking development, 10% of the voters have picked Debra's Puppies as the next President. NBC News has no clue what to make of this!"
-oh, and my dog did NOT die. I just wanted to see how many of you wrote an e-mail to me before finishing the column. Chico's alive and well and licking Alpo off my pecker as I type.
-Ladies and Gentlemen... I give to you, the official PATTERSON JOKE OF THE WEEK!!
-Mick took Kurt towards the back to "speak to the authorities" (I believe that's code for "Sponge Bath with Pat")
-And so ends another thrilling installment of the official PATTERSON JOKE OF THE WEEK!!
-in honor of my deaf audience... I shall now recap this Table match with the Acolytes in sign language!!
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-thank you. The Mop-Up: Friend to the Deaf
-well, how can I type if I'm moving my fingers and hands?
-Chyna steps out... DEMANDING that you treat her like a woman! (Okay then... YOU CALL THIS PIG STY CLEAN????? WHERE'S MY DINNER??? GO GET MY BELT SO I CAN TEACH YOU MANNERS!!!)
-As the Ref... wait a second... here I am, honoring my Deaf readers while my BLIND readers are ignored?? How DARE I...
-Here, in honor of my Blind readers... I will finish this segment in BRAILLE
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-There... only my blind audience can run their fingers across the sceen and enjoy my unique outlook!
-The Rock was on MTV Video Music Awards. Chyna too. Not to be outdone, WCW booked General Rection to be on "Willy's Cable Access Gab Show" in Southern Peoria! I heard Rection promised that WCW is breathing down the WWF's collective NECKS!
-Test came around and backed Stephannoyme into the ring... he followed. Test put Stephanie in Powerslam position (familiar turf for Ms Thang's head, I wager).
-The Rock finds the Undertaker and lays it out for him... "Look, we ain't brothers, we ain't partners, and we ain't friends... but if Benoit or Kane get away with that money, you're gonna be sorry you ever met me!" UT turned away, spat out a wad of chaw, and responded, "I'm already sorry!"
-Next week, I'd LOVE to see a "Hee Haw" skit where Kurt Angle and 3H face each other in a tight closeup and sing, "WHERE, WHERE ARE YOU TONIGHT? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALOOOOONE? I SEARCHED THE WORLD OVER AND WITH YOU I FOUND TRUE LOVE. YOU PAAAACKED YOUR BAGS AND *PFFFFFTH* YOU WERE GOOOOONE!!" Then they break out laughing... now THAT would rule.
-of course, since it was the 70's since I saw Hee Haw.... the rib is that after they sing "YOU PAAAACKED YOUR BAGS AND".. they stick out their tongues and let a raspberry loose. Then, they'd usually giggle like yokels.
-ROY CLARK IS GOD!!!!!!!!!
-Chicago... home of Pizza you need a SPOON to eat!
-Hey Chicago! I CAN BEAT UP YOUR ENTIRE CITY AND EVERYONE IN IT!!!!
-Hey Chicago! CARLTON FISK SPENT MOST OF HIS CAREER THERE... THEN HE RETIRED!!! GUESS WHICH TEAM HE ENTERED THE HALL OF FAME WITH??? THE BOSTON RED SOX!!!! PUDGE SEZ "F-YOU CHI-TOWN!!! I'M COMING HOME!!!"
-Chicago... how many people dropped dead from the heat this Summer?
-AL CAPONE WAS A BUTT HUMPER!!!!!!!!
-Chicago... full of posers and wannabes
-My advice... take the hot chick... hit her over the head with a log a few times.... THEN F-her and blow a load all over her precious face... then let your friends take turns. Then tattoo "I Like Penis" across her forehead and dump her off at her Father's front yard. That'll teach her for being so high and mighty!!! THAT'LL KNOCK HER OFF HER HIGH HORSE!!!!
-This brought out Chris Benoit... who stands as much a chance of winning on Sunday than Scott Keith does of selling more than 50 copies of that book.
-Edge and Christian came out. Tazz admitted that these boys are as funny as Hell. (Where in the Bible does it say that Hell is a hilarious place to be? Come to think of it, there's nothing that says "Heaven" is a barrel of laughs either! You know, my Mother PROMISED me to try to get a message to me about what Heaven's like after she died... lying bitch. Haven't heard from her YET!! She must be too busy blowing the Apostles!)
-Rocky says that there are few things in life that bring on a "gut instinct"... like when you see a Fly, you swat it (Or pull it's wings off... or put it in the microwave... or mix it into your Grandmother's oatmeal and call it a raisin... or drop it in your Girlfriend/Wife's chooch and see if the bitch feels ANYTHING down there.)
-Austin came out. He gets in Mick's face. Mick tells him that he is NOT Vince McMahon, so there is really no need for them to become adversarial here. This is the WWF... they do NOT rehash old gimmicks!!!!!
-Then they brought out a giant egg in the entrance way and Foley screamed, "YOUR ATTACKER IS IN THAT EGG, STEVE!!! GO GET 'IM!!!" (Dear God, no...)
-Austin says that he called "Cleo" on a psychic hotline and asked if she knew who the killer was. She didn't, but she DID pass a message on from Owen Hart saying, "I'm NOT sorry I broke your neck!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA PFFFFTH" Oo, those damn Harts
-E & C tied Blackman up in a "Tree of Woe"... it sounds waaay more creepy when James Earl Jones says it (you youngsters have NO clue, do you? But everyone over 25 is nodding their heads and saying, "Bet'cha ASS, Brother Hyatte!)
-Ross screamed, "TRIPLE H HAS JUST DROVE HIS ELBOW THROUGH KURT ANGLE'S HEART!!" He said this twice. Not once did he explain how HHH could do this without either killed Kurt or even breaking the skin.
-We see Coach all set to interview "Rikishi". THAT'S the Coach? Wow, I think Craig T has spent a wee bit too much time in the tanning booth!
-Benoit, "Everyone is SICK AND TIRED of hearing aboot his marital problems with Stephanie. There comes a time when you have to SEPERATE business from your personal life!!" Then he announced that Kevin Sullivan hasn't been able to achieve an erection since PN News was on the scene. Then he bragged about how wet Nancy gets. (Jeeze... kick a Devil Worshipper while he's down, why don'cha).
-The Little X-Peccer has a mic and says, "So let me get this right!"... the funny thing was, he held the mic with his LEFT hand. (oh... OH... that just SUCKED... I... I... I apologize)
-Lawler said that "Conquistadors" stood for "Warriors"... Ross shot on Jimmy Hellwig by sniping, "There ain't much demand for Warriors these days! Especially for ones wearing those ridiculous outfits!" (expect a full, 9 page response from Hellwig on his website by week's end)
-Lawler commented about how Angle stood up to HHH's recent accusations... Ross mumbled something about "alternative lifestyles"... Lawler, "Right... ag fay... or something like that"... Ross then screamed, "WHEN WILL AIDS FINISH THE JOB AND KILL ALL THESE BONE SMUGGLERS??????" Lawler awkwardly tried to change subjects and commented on the weather. I think Jimbo is having a breakdown.
-moments ago, Rock + Rikishi = The type of soap opera drama usually reserved for Telemundo!
-Lita got Trish's shorts off... Lita wins. TOTALLY UNNECESSARY close-up of Lawler acting like this is the first time he ever saw a half-nekked girl (AKA: the "Wrestleline Impression")
-They are at the Fleet Center... named after the "fleet" of people who left the Celtics high and dry after Larry Bird retired. You couldn't fill the Fleet Center for a Celtic game even if they offered free b-jobs from Red Aubach, (take out his dentures, and you're sitting pretty)
-StephanieMcMahon pops out of the car too. She's very sick. Must be food poisoning. Man, nothing worse than bad meat in the can.
-Rikishi orders Tony Garea to go find the Rock and tell him to come see Rikishi or else Rikishi will go FIND him... and visibly frightened Garea walked away muttering, "I've jobbed out to chunks of stool tougher than this loser!"
-UT grabbed a mic and told Regal that he "talks funny"... (Isn't this the same guy who once rambled on about how TBS proved his worth by wearing a jacket made out of someone's flesh in the desert a year ago?)
-At the WWF New York. X-Pac is quietly drinking beer when he runs into Torrie. Torrie slaps him across the mush for blowing her off while she recovered from her faceli... err... shoulder surgery.
-other than VINCENT K. MCMAHON!!!!! Ever the pitchman, Vince comes out proudly showing off the new XFL FOOTBALL HELMET!!!! THERE ISN'T A 300 POUND LINEMAN IN THE WORLD WHO CAN PUT A DENT IN THAT SUCKER!!!!
-Oh...wait... it's just his hair.
-Angle says that as the official WWF Representative to the United States, he is officially severing all ties with the state of Texas. (if a few more Aliens get in there, he won't have to. With Possession being 9/10 of the law, this state is fast becoming "The Republic of Mexico")
-Austin leaves. Angle fumes. Oxymandias plots. Rorschach investigates. Dr. Manhattan stews on Mars. Hyatte loses everyone with an 80's reference that practically defines the word "obscure".
-Ross, "this is the single worse thing to happen to the tag team titles in the HISTORY of the WWF!!!!!" (WHAT? Oh really? Two words, one ampersand... "Earthquake" "&" "Typhoon")
-Bob "Hardcore" Holly, who charged the ring and attacked Angle. He paused for a sec, looked at "Molly" and asked, "Who the F**K are you supposed to be?" (Jeeze Hardcore, did you even GLANCE at the goddam script?)
-Christian and Edge (Oh no, I'VE BROKEN THE SACRED RULE AND MISORDERED THEIR NAMES!!! NOW I'LL NEVER GET INTO MARK HEAVEN!!) come out.
-Test came out with Trish. At ringside, Trish ignored a front row sign that read, "I'D LAY DOWN FOR TRISH!!" Judging from the thinning hair and the gaunt body, this dude would lay down for her, mow her grass, wash her car with his tongue, and fellate her pet Pekinese for a kiss on the cheek. P-whipped BUTTFACE!!! BE A MAN AND STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!!! FOR GOD'S SAKES!!! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO???
-oh crap... I forgot to run to the Jewelry store and pick up a necklace for Melissa. Tomorrow is the 5th month anniversary of the day we first talked over the phone for the fourth time. If I don't give her something to commemorate it, she'll kill me.
-Ross, "Kane is a BITTER SOUL... a MORBID, MISERABLE, HUMAN BEING!!" (Plus, he apparently used to recap ECW for Wrestleline)
-Luke Johnston once told me that Rick confessed to him that he really didn't like being "restrained" by Wrestleline and how he admitted to sort of sucking now. Luke asked me if this fact would change my opinion about him. Oh yeah, the guy who left a high profile, well paying gig at SCOOPS so he could be himself would REALLY respect someone who DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS to do the same? Yeah, F-ing RIGHT.
-Debra whispers something in Mick's ear... sources close to the company (well, Chris Williams) told me that she said, "Hurry up, Mick... my period just started and I forgot to pad up". (ugh... same shit happened to my Mom all the time. One minute, we're at the Mall loading up on new Dickies for me to wear to school, the next minute, she's thrusting her crotch out at hapless store clerks and hosing them down. (The bitch didn't just mense... she mensed with the THUNDER!!!). Luckily... I turned 16 the very next year and was able to go buy the Dickies on my own!
-Foley then announced that since Rikishi didn't use a sledgehammer on anyone last week, he's gonna put the big guy in a number 1 contenders match aginst the Rock tonight HEY!!! I didn't hit anyone with a sledgehammer last week (unless you count my penis)... where's MY title shot?
-Mick said that these fine people in Iowa did not roll off their daughters a few hours early just to come to a show that did NOT feature a WWF title match... oh no... they are getting their full money's worth tonight.
-Then Christian pointed out that the Undertaker just showed up on the monitor. The UT spat out a huge wad of chaw spit once he was fully facing the camera... which he was probably holding in UNTIL he got the full camera shot... because he is a FRAUD!!! And because he is a POSER!!! THOSE ARE FAKE TATTOOS TOO!!!!!! HE'S A TOTAL PHONY, BY GOD!!!!
-Albert grabs her hair from behind and yanks her down (Daddy?) Trish tags in Test. Test relishes the opportunity to beat up a woman (heh, he must write for Wrestleline on the side... I know I'm beating the joke to death, but F-it, it's a personal favorite)
-Hardcore dropkicked Albert and pinned him... off a simple dropkick. No fancy Mexican moves. No dazzling jap moves. Just a hell of a dropkick. I... I... I'm not quite sure how to react.
-Molly is a very pretty girl.
-Trish is one hot bitch
-To put it another way... I'd let Molly give me oral. I'd do Trish hard up the bum using only my spittle as lubricant.
-Speaking of getting nasty... I was at the girlfriend's pad last week... and I was walking around barefoot. I stepped on an errant piece of broken glass and it was a good size gash. Instead of weeping and sobbing, I used my razor sharp wit and brilliant comedic skills and broke out into a damn fine impression of Bruce Willis in Die Hard. She roared with laughter. Then she mended my wound and things got sweaty. Moral of the story: keep them amused and they'll let you do whatever you want to them.
-Dean Malenko comes out and trips Gunn up. He attempts to distract the ref. Gunn catches a running Eddie (Heh... I gave Madden's Mom a "Running Eddie" the other night... bwahahahaaaa)
-Rikishi and the Rock were ready. One will win, one will lose, and one will gorge out on Cheesecake afterwards. I could close my eyes and randomly bang my erect pee pee on the keys and still type out the answers...
-in fact... hang on a sec...bvc m n b b b m *+-mm/ hailsatan
-there... OH MY GOD!!! MY PECKER'S POSSESSED!!!!
-I was wondering why I've been pissing pea soup for the last two weeks.
-They stare down each other in the ring. Tight closeups on their faces. Ross asked what could be going through their minds? (My best guess... Rocky, "Play my cards right and Austin will get full blame for the ratings dip!" Rikishi, "I still have pieces of porcelain in my ass from that F-ing collapsed toilet!")
-Mick Foley is walking around yelling and searching for "ANGLE!!! ANGLE!!!" There was no angle to be found. (HA!! Typical! I can name about a solid 20 mid-carders who should be running around screaming, "ANGLE!!!! PLEASE, I NEED AN ANGLE!!!”)
-UT shouted "OLD SCHOOL", then climbed to the top ropes. No, "Old School" would be if "Cowboy" Bill Watts ran out and screamed, "Hey boy, that there is illegal NOW!"
-Fans, fireworks, mayhem. In the crowd, I caught Martin Sheen drunkenly knocking some mark out, then stumble about silently screaming in pain... oh, the horror, the horror... way in the nose bleeds, we see a naked Pat Patterson tell an amazed mark, "You are a Messenger, sent by Grocery Clerks, to collect on a bill." My God.
- Ross runs through the injury list thanks to the utter HENIOUSITY of last night's HitC... Rikishi has a ruptured spleen, (and thank bloody Christ we managed to survive the 90's "Seattle Grunge Era" without ANY band named "Ruptured Spleen" popping up).
-Angle ran down his opponents in that cage... Austin's pop was loud... the Rock's pop was louder. In MEMPHIS??? HILLBILLY CITY??? I think we can expect the locusts to arrive anytime now!
-The Rock came out... with a bandage on his head. A clearly visible FLESH COLORED Band-Aid... alas, the struggle continues
-Edge grabbed the mic and called Rocky "Freddie McFriendless" (HEY!!! That was Remy "The Slammer" Artiega's suggested name for me when I first joined SCOOPS! I think, deep down, he always resented me for turning that down... "Hyatte? What kind of stupid name is that? You'll never get anywhere on the Web with THAT name!")
-As the Radicalz music played... Dean stood over Lita, picked her head up, and planted a kiss right on her mush. Then he threw her head down and smirked triumphantly. Ross screamed, "SHE WASN'T EVEN CONSCIOUS!!! SHE WAS OUT COLD!!!" (Ahh, memmmmorieeees... like the pages of my miiiiind.... I miss College!)
-Jesse Ventura encourages us to take our Dads to an XFL game so he can be reminded what he loved about football. What if dad loved football because it made him forget that he was stuck with a wife and annoying child who kept him down for the last 18 years? WHAT IF YOUR DAD WAS A FIRST CLASS A-HOLE??? (Man.. that "Cat's in the Cradle" song didn't just speak... it spoke the TRUTH!!!!)
-UT also said that if he had possession of a rat's derriere, he most certainly would not give it up in exchange for the continual Commissionership of one Mick Foley.
-Elsewhere, Patterson tells Vince that Mick Foley was trying to ruin the company from the INSIDE!!! Vince snidely mumbled, "Oh, but you hitting on every young stud that ever signed a development deal... that little powderkeg didn't cost me a few mil to keep quiet at ALL, did it???"
-Kevin Kelly is at Stone Cold's dressing room door. "So, how does it feel to be Steve Austin's entranceway for the night?" No answer. Damn, snobby-ass door!
-Snow knocked about some unfortunate bystander... then dumped Raven into a cart and rolled him into the Fed-Ex truck. Raven was nice enough to physically leap out of the cart and propel himself into the truck (DAMN YOU, INERTIA!!)
-Steph grabbed a mic. They traded facial expressions. I hope all Muslims switch over the Nitro... because HERE COMES THE HAM!!!!!!
-Off topic... do you really think Allah would CARE if you tried a single slice of bacon? It's delicious stuff! Crispy... greasy... naturally salty... it's very tasty! Go ahead... try one. I asked Allah... he's cool with it.
-The Undertaker met up with the Rock. They stared at each other, nodded silently, then they both started to walk. Whether they know it or not, they just perfectly re-enacted something the gay community calls an "SUAF" ("Shut Up And F**K")
-HUGE sign that reads, "Lita, I'll Feed Your Need"... yeah, but what if she needs to cuddle? And gab away? THEN YOU'RE STUCK!!!!
-commercials. Spot for the movie The Gift... or The Film Where Katie Goes Topless or The Film Where Katie Gets One Step Closer To A Full Frontal Nude Love Scene That'll Have Rumors Flying That There Was Actual Penetration OR The Blowoff Raimi Film Before Spiderman. I'll wait until all four movies come to cable.
-Kurt Angle came out. Staying at the ring entrance, Kurt first told Stephanie that he was very, very disappointed in her. Padding his belt, which was wrapped around his middle, he said, "You blew it, Babe!" (yeah well... let us in on a new secret).
-Angle admitted that HHH was good... that he was the "Game(-ah)"... but if you want to talk about games... well, "Donkey Kong himself, has a better shot at taking the title than you do!!" (believe it or not... there was a time when a game that was basically you jumping over barrels as you walked up a series of ramps was once considered the greatest friggin' thing since the Television).
-BY GOD!!! BACK IN THE DAY, MEN WERE MEN, WOMEN KEPT THEIR YAPS SHUT, AND "PONG" WAS ALL WE NEEDED!!!!!!!!
-The Undertaker rolls out on his bike to Limp Bizcut's "Rollin'"... which is all well and good, but UT looks damn silly telling Rocky to "get better beats and get better rhymes"
-Funny, just as Fred Durst says, "Put your hands UP!!" UT reaches for the sky. The Ref tried to discreetly tell the big guy that he wasn't being mugged.
-Rikishi rolls out... on NO bike. He rolled halfway down, stood up, and shouted, "WHO TRIPPED ME, GODDAMMIT??"
-Angle challenged Hunter to beat someone on "natural ability"... The crowd, "Whooooooooah"... I haven't heard anything so prolonged as the time Richie took apart Fonzie's bike in order to get the Fonz to adapt to life as a blind man.
-Quick, here's my impression of that tearful moment... *cough*... *ahem*....
-CUNNINGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM
-thank you... no, please... sit down... too nice, too kind.
-Jericho is out back... walking... but casually nursing his shoulder. Looks like head writer Stephanie's been reading the book, "Scriptwriting Made Easy" and just reached the chapter: "FORESHADOWING: YOUR PLAYFUL LITTLE FRIEND!"
-All you need to know here is that HHH owned Angle's ass the whole way. And that Steph and Trish got it on for a respectable amount of time. After rolling around with each other a bit, Trish hit the bulldog on the Princess. HHH had enough of punking Angle and gave Trish the Pedigree. He rolled Steph on the girl and Steph wins again. She always wins. If she was in WCW, her name would be "Hulk Goldberg".
-QUICK... what's the last thing a child sees before the Pedofile kills him?
-answer: My collection of "Barney" tapes! BWAHAHAHAHAA BOOYAAA!!! I'M BACK BABY!!!!! THE MAGIC IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!
-Ross on HHH, "What he must be thinking??" (umm... best guess... "my dick is 9 inches long!"... ALL well endowed males have their exact measurements running nonstop in their heads... or so I'm told)
-The Undertaker and Kane walked out to Limp Bizcut's "Rollin'". Kane moved in. Then he moved out. He put his hands up. Then he put his hands down. He backed up, he backed up. then did the hokey pokey and turned himself around. UT smiled and said, "now THAT'S what it's all about!"
-Lita was walking.... actually, she was sashaying... I've seen struts like that before... it's says, "You know you want it, White Bread! Keep dreaming!" (oh yeah?... I've got some fast dissolving pills that evens up the odds VERY quickly... oh yes... keep flashing that bod, red... keep it up. One day... one day soon, you'll get a taste of "Vitamin Hyatte"... oh yes... indeed)
-And just like that... we got us a "First Blood Match" for Thursday... the First Team to get chased out of the building by Brian Dennehy loses!!
-We FNALLY see those "EVIL, BEDWETTING INDUCING, VICIOUS, EMPTY, SOULLESS eyes that Austin had after the HHH beatdown. Quite frankly, my Mother made those same eyes every time I had to tell her that the condom ripped
-err... okay... almost a minute of black screen and no sound... hookay... umm.. err...
-.. umm.. OH... *slaptoforehead* OF COURSE!!! black screen... silence!!! The WWF is celebrating BLACK HISTORY MONTH!!!!! YES!! FOR WITHOUT TV, THERE WOULD BE NO BLACK HISTORY!!!
-The Kat got on the mic and said that the "human body is a beautiful thing and should NOT be wasted on layers and layers of clothes" (obviously, she didn't make the Wrestleline Christmas party last year)
This is Hyatte