The Midnight News 09.30.02
Posted By Hyatte on 09.30.02
I Talk To Vince, I Yell At Dusty, Scherer Gets Hassled, The Greatest NBA Rivalry, Great Quotes, Widro, A Sweathog, Porn, More Porn, A Way To Get Laid, Bashing, and Two Kings
These "Best of Mop-Ups" along with the two bowls I smoked before I read them, and I am hap hap fu*king happy. PUT ME IN YOUR COLUMN!!!!
And I'm Chris this is the News. As usual... this week's column is PACKED with as little rasslin' material as possible. What could I cover that hasn't been scoured with a microscope anyway? Nicole Bass? How Smackdown rules? Boring. I have nothing to add to anything. I never claimed to be a journalist or a pundit. FEH.
In fact, I've already wasted precious space. We have to go now. Off we go.
THEY CALL HIM DOCTOR SPINNNNN
Lots of WWE stars doing interviews last week... and I ain't touching a damn one of them.
Why, because they're all the same... everything's cool, everything's fine... everything's great... everything rules. I love it here! The WWE is a great place to work! Hunter? Oh he's awesome!
Vince McMahon, however, takes the cake. He sneers, cheerfully, at all forms of media... especially those who DARE question ANYTHING even REMOTELY negative about his beloved company... and his beloved daughter.
So, since I am a Net God... with more stroke then EVER before (Alexa says we are leaving 1wrestling in the DUST and closing in FAST on prowrestling.com... BOYEEEE) I called WWE HQ and got Vince on the phone for an in-depth interview... this is what happened:
Hyatte: Mr. McMahon? Chris Hyatte from 411 wrestling... soon to be 411mania! care to answer a few questions?
Vince: Why is a RASSLIN' site interested in WWE Entertainment?
Hyatte: Because you are a RASSLIN' company?
Vince: No, we are an action/adventure/sports entertainment soap opera!
Hyatte: Mr. McMahon, it's clear that your audience would prefer to watch RASSLIN'... and since you seem insulted by that notion, they are leaving you in droves. Care to comment?
Vince: Look Pal, the first thing is you fans don't KNOW what you want until I tell you what you want? The ratings are pretty good given this loopy time of year!
Hyatte: How are they pretty good? Everyone has noticed the slippage? TNN is rumored to be very nervous about the continued existence of the show!
Vince: That is a bald face lie! You Internet scum talk big! I'd like to see you try what our Superstar Action/Adventurers do!
Hyatte: Scum? Me? Chris Hyatte? You've been talking to Trish Stratus, apparently.
Vince: I'd like to get you in the ring!
Vince: Then I'll show you what's what!
Hyatte: Vince, how about this penchant you have to deflect all questions with threats of personal harm?
Vince: I'd love to wrap my hands around your throat and teach you some respect... and MAKE YOU watch Raw
Hyatte: Speaking of Raw. It's known that the show is "you're" show. Could you explain why it's failing to maintain it's normal ratings?
Vince: The show is doing fine! I love the hard work each and every one of the Superstar Action/Adventurers put into the best damn sow on television
Hyatte: Are you worried that HHH is abusing his stroke?
Vince: HHH is a major star and if he could, he would tear your heart out and show it to you for such ridiculous accusations! I would help, too!
Hyatte: Mr. McMahon, any comments on your daughter's inability to con...
Vince: I've had just about enough of you. I hope I get you in the headlights of my Humvee and squash you like the microscopic piece of bug turd you are!
Hyatte: Vince, I am a fan of yours! I just want to see what you are doing to get out of this ugly hole you're in!
Vince: You and the rest of your ilk can go right to HELL.... hope you order No Mercy! The Undertaker is looking for payback against Brock Lesnar! Will Brock give him the opportunity? Or will he refuse to step in the Undertaker's yard!
Hyatte: Vince, can't you get Austin back? Vince? Hello? Hellooooo? Jeeze... everyone hangs up on me.... first Amanda and now Vince.
IF YOU WEEEEEL
Another promoter/legendary talker Dusty Rhodes did an interview. Nothing too notable other than he blamed the INTERNET for the current state of the business. Apparently, the Dream prefers we be nice and dumb instead of knowing TOO much about this seedy business. A MAGICIAN NEVER REVEALS HIS SECRETS AND NEITHER SHOULD PRO WRESTLING!!! SO SAYS THE DREAM!!! SO SAYS THE MAN!!!
Let me editorialize for a spell here.... Wrestling is losing it's ratings all over the place. WWE House shows... hell, the PPVs and TV shows aren't selling out anymore!
YET... Internet traffic is HIGHER than ever! You know what that means?
It means that while the CASUAL fan is bailing in droves... the "Smart Crowd" is growing by leaps and bounds. We ARE the audience, guys. Vince, Dusty, Jarrett... WE'RE your main crowd now. Yeah, that's right... the Net is NO LONGER the minority. It can't be... the numbers drop while our numbers grow. We are the MAJORITY. Learn to DEAL with it. Get OVER yourself. It's a fake sport... everyone knows it. We always did. Wasn't too hard to figure out. And learning insider info only makes us MORE interested in the product. It sparks debate... it's FUN to see. It MAKES THINGS MORE INTERESTING.
Does that mean you should LISTEN to the Net? Eh... most of us are idiots. No one should respect Scooter's opinion... or mine (well, maybe mine).... and if it weren't for whining most of the Net would be mute. But stop making the Net into a nifty excuse for all your ills. It's stupid, silly, and untrue. We just sit here and moan... IT'S THE BUSINESS THAT'S F-ING UP!!!
Case in point, Smackdown... everyone is creaming about that show lately. And ratings are pretty strong AND steady on it. Is that a coincidence? Yeah... RIGHT. Smackdown is giving the PEOPLE WHO WATCH THE SHOW what they want... and the people who watch the show, more and more, are ON THE WEB. And here's the big news... THE NET AIN'T GOING AWAY! We'll be around forEVER!
Get with the times, guys... we didn't open pandora's box, we just looked inside.
Oh, and to that WWE.com writer who blamed the net for his controversial "Shut Up and Wrestle" column.... FU*K YOU TOO. That's like Salman Rushdie blaming the people who bought The Satanic Verses for getting the Ayatolla to issue that death threat against him. Stand by your work or don't write it... nutf*ck.
SCHERER THE WEALTH
Dave poked fun at the fact that the WWE yanked it's job advertisement at HotJobs.com.
My theory is that they removed the HotJobs listing after word leaked out on the net, just to avoid what they might consider non-television (and theoretically unqualified) inquiries for the opening (ie the fans).
Yep, that says it all if you ask me. Why would you want people who follow and understand the business when they have never written for a soap opera!
Oooh, the wit... anyway... Randy 'the man' Ondrik read it and decided to explain the birds and the bees to Dave.... poor Dave always gets shit... Randy sent his letter to me because... well, where the hell ELSE is he going to send it? To your lame ass column?
Hi Dave, Please review: http://www.1wrestling.com/news/newsline.asp?news=10694 (careful of the popups.. they could crash your computer if you don't use a blocker like me)
Now, I'm no 1wrestling editor & I certainly don't claim to be as smart as a 1wrestling editor (REALLY FRIGGIN SMART), but I think it's quite obvious that the WWE pulled that job advertisement off of hotjobs because they were being bombarded with applications from 17-19 year old kids who were very obviously NOT qualified to apply, but insisted on wasting their (the wwe's) time by applying anyway.
Now again, I'm not a major wrestling website editor (webmaster?) but I find it curious that someone as respected as yourself in the industry (I mean holy crap dave, YOU are respected ALOT by almost everyone I know in the industry... honestly) would respond to such an obviously simple situation with petty rock throwing & name calling.
Once again Dave, I'm not a super mega-famous internet wrestling website editor, but I did take the time to visit tvjobs.com & find out what it was about. Imagine my surprise when I found out that it is *NOT* just [a] paid subscription service for those in the TV industry"(1)
Imagine my surprise, dave, when I found out that even *I* could freely sign up (I'm not even IN the TV Industry!!!), for membership. Imagine my utter heartbreak when I found out that there was a factual error on 1wrestling.com. Take this for what it's worth (considering I'm not a website editor), but I would suggest changing the above-quoted sentence to read: ...paid subscription service for JOB LISTINGS in the TV industry"(2)
Even though (as I have previously stated in this correspondence) I am not an editor for a monstrously successful wrestling website, allow me to put forth *my own personal* theory to explain the mysterious disappearance of a job listing at hotjobs.com:
1)WWE Places 2 advertisements for a particular job opportunity with their company on two separate websites. One of these websites is a free website located at www.hotjobs.com and the other is at a subscription (ie: open to *anyone* who pays for it) website located at http://jobsinsports.com/. It is important to note that jobsinsports.com does appear to deal with an 'upper' level of job hunters; featuring many management-level openings. Another important note is that hotjobs caters to anybody who happens across their website looking for a job (including the people who think "what the heck, I'm a shift supervisor at McDonald's, I'll send a resume Vince's way").
2)WWE Gets bombarded with thousands of resumes from every Tom, Dick, & Dave on the internet who thinks that since they are a wrestling fan (or website editor), they know how the business works, and they also know how to write wrestling Television! To hell with the prerequisites!"
3)WWE Decides to pull the advertisement that has gotten them so many underqualified applications that they can't weed through them in a timely enough manner to find any potentially good (read: qualified) applicants.
3-B) WWE Decides that it would be better to leave the job advertisement available at the website that restricts their members to people who are obviously very serious about getting a job, and (now this is just me taking a guess dave) are actually familiar with standard business hiring practices, including the very serious nature of 'prerequisites'. Oh yeah.. they also post the job at other 'membership' websites.
Why do I say they are obviously serious about getting a job? Well dave, If they are willing to pay the $50.00 registration fee (tvjobs.com) or the $29.95 monthly membership fee (jobsinsports.com), they more than likely are pretty keen on finding work. But I digress......
4)Dave @ 1bob decides that this is the perfect opportunity to sling some mud at the WWE. Although I am not sure exactly why, I will hazard a guess or two at the reason for the post:
a) Bitter for being turned down on numerous occasions when applying for a job to the WWE
b) Bitter because 95% of the IWC (and like the wrestling world in general) think you and bob are a couple of idiots
c) Trying to make yourself feel big and important by putting others down
d) Because you are OBVIOUSLY so biased against the WWE that you sometimes make stupid posts (like #10694), thus making yourself look like an idiot (see pt.b above)
Once again, nobody needs to remind me that I am not (and probably never will be) a wrestling website editor, and because of the fact that I'm not a wrestling website editor, I will ask you to excuse any spelling or punctuation errors I may have made. I did try to use some pretty big words (prerequisites, underqualified, etc.) as well as some pretty heavy duty punctuation (you notice that sweet ';' I used?) and since I am not a website editor like yourself, I can only cross my fingers that I didn't screw up too bad.
Take er easy,
P.S. Oh yes, I wanted to point out how funny it was when you posted the lariat in the wrong section the day after criticizing the WWE's lack of an editor. THAT was Gold!!
(1)Credit due to and given to dave scherer & his bad ass website www.1wrestling.com.
(2)Credit due to and given to Randy 'the man' Ondrik even though he is not a wrestling website editor
Thus far, Dave has yet to respond... but Dave loves responding to flames... so we'll see.
SHOWTIME VS PRIDE!!! ONE MORE TIME!!!
Not really... but I LOVE this story... pulled from the New York Times online site. It's about Magic Johnson's induction into the Basketball Hall of Fame... and who introduced him:
SPRINGFIELD, Mass., Sept. 27 - Magic Johnson began calling the people close to him with the news that he had H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS. On Nov. 11, 1991, one of the first people he telephoned was Larry Bird, his nemesis during the renaissance of the National Basketball Association during the 1980's.
By the time the Lakers-Celtics rivalry had receded into memory, Johnson and Bird had forged a friendship. The game that made them enemies on the court and played into every cultural stereotype would bring them together in ways a white child from rural Indiana and a black kid from urban Michigan would never imagine.
"I just remember we were both crying," Johnson said, recalling the moment he told Bird his career was over and his life was in jeopardy. "He didn't say much, because that's who Larry is. But he told me, all choked up: `You hang in there. You're going to beat it.' There wasn't a lot to say, but it meant the world to me. That's why I wanted him to introduce me."
Johnson was inducted into the Naismith Memorial Hall of Fame tonight, heading one of most impressive classes in the past two decades. Alongside him was Bird, his presenter and partner in time. They told their homespun tales of competitiveness to a sold-out gathering at the Springfield Civic Center, talking about their careers, lives and legacies.
"I was going to write a speech but then I wanted to say something from my heart, but he broke it so many times I didn't know if I have anything left," Bird said.
Bird told New Englanders and all Boston Celtics fans, "It's time to lay down your weapons; it's time to move on."
He remembered walking out of the Forum in Inglewood, Calif., after the Celtics had beaten the Lakers and saw Johnson getting into his car. "I could see the pain in his face," Bird said. "How hard it was to lose that game and I said to myself, `Suffer baby, suffer.' That night he probably didn't eat, he probably didn't sleep. He probably shut off the lights and thought about losing. I know, I've been there."
Johnson gave a stirring speech. He thanked God, "because 11 years ago I didn't know whether I'd be here to accept this honor." He looked at Bird and said: "Larry, you're just what a basketball player should be. I'm glad I got to know you not only as a player, but as the man that you are."
At the end of the ceremony, Johnson challenged his old rival to a game of checkers, even a game of HORSE. "But we better play PIG," Johnson said, "because HORSE is too long for us."
A maestro with the ball, and perhaps pro basketball's greatest showman, Johnson could not have directed a more festive weekend.
"Well, we're back together again," Johnson said today at a news conference as a half smile crossed Bird's face. "It's a true blessing that we not only became the players we wanted to become, but that we also became friends."
They both used the word hate when it came to their rivalry in the 1980's, when they met in the N.B.A. finals three times. But it was more in relation to their mutual feelings about losing to the other, how they had become each other's standards.
The personal feud thawed in 1987 when they filmed a Converse commercial together, in which Johnson traveled to French Lick, Ind., Bird's boyhood home, and befriended the Celtic who used to haunt his dreams. They have remained close ever since, catching up with each other in retirement at least a few times a year.
"It's funny how God blesses you with someone in your life, like a Larry Bird," Johnson said. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime situation, that we could have each other in each other's lives and we're able to do the things and accomplish the things that we accomplished."
See... that is class.
And how about Magic? The man takes a tragedy.. a major blow and works WITH it... he FIGHTS the bad and uses his influence to become a successful businessmen... opening movie theaters and Starbucks franchises in urban neighborhoods. All with a wide smile.
Yeah, your kids cheer for that wife beating, spoiled little asshole Allen Iverson. Yeah, Kobe knocked up his underage girlfriend and was forced to marry her. Shaq makes bad movies and worse rap CD's and whores out his fame (although to be fair, Shaquille O'Neal does give a LOT of time and money to charity and local schools). THESE are the new stars of the NBA... THESE are the role models of today.
Man... we need more Magic in our basketball. A little Celtic Pride wouldn't hurt either.
Just a nice story I thought I'd share.
A LIVE MIC = DANGER
You know, I've been thinking... why limit this stuff just to RASSLIN'? I mean, eventually I'm gonna run out and have nothing to use except the 300 fu*king suggestions for line where HHH said well, I'm bi- a lot of things, but lingual isn't one of them...Wait a minute... (Do you people even READ these??)
So, get those brains working and start sending me your favorite lines from MOVIES AND TV!!! Let's open this up.
BUT... I will warn you now... if I get one... JUST ONE e-mail with the line Show me the money!!, I SWEAR TO CHRIST I will CANCEL this f**cking bit and NEVER RUN IT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM again!!! I do NOT want popular lines... I want COOL lines that border on obscurity... time is of no concern... it can be a flick from the 30's right up until something you saw on Scinemax last night. Same goes for TV... I don't care if your grandpa recalls a lines from Uncle Miltie's show in 1950... if it's cool, I'll take it.
I expect you to be drooling at this idea... I expect no less than 500 lines clogging my mailbox by the time Eric's double columns shove me off the front page.
And of course, I'm still open to rasslin' quotes too... just please check the archives to see if your killer line hasn't been used already.
For this week, no themes... I'll just grab a couple from my files and throw them in. Here we go...
1) We are WCW Monday Nitro...and WE ARE MAKING THE RULES!!!!- Schiavone
2) Well, there was a cat from the Emerald City one time that was quite a phenom, but I don’t know what happened to him- Nash, on other rookie phenoms... talking about "OZ"
3) Brain, we haven’t seen Tito Santana around lately!- Monsoon
I saw him last week, he was pumping gas in Jersey- Heenan
WILL YOU STOP!!!- Monsoon
4) The Undertaker knows no boundaries... only creatures... of which you are not.- The Undertaker, getting completely lost in a sentence during a promo for the unedited European version of the "One Night Only" Pay Per View
5) Hulk Hogaaaaaaan! Beef... Cake... Bah-Baaaaaaaah!- Zeus
6) You're quagmired in a sea of hypocrisy... and engulfed in a river of lies! - Bob Backlund
7) Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don't want to play cards with me, because I'll cheat. Ok, I cheat. You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play black jack? I got two of those too. You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too.- Jake 'the Snake' Roberts, dead drunk at the Heroes of Wrestling pay per view
8) Gotta hand it to Edge and Christian for showing a little class and... well class my... that's not Matt... Good God Almighty!- Ross, after realizing that two Hardy midgets came out instead of the real thing
9) Let me explain something to you asswipes- Russo
Listen up, Madden!- Hudson
10) You wouldn't buy a used car from Fuji?- Ventura.
Absolutely NOT!- Monsoon
11) Just...just what do you think you're doing?!- Vince McMahon: after Randy Savage had ran down to the ring and placed a beating on Steamboat then ran up to the broadcast spot
Commentary!- Savage screams like only he can
12) I was pretty impressed with how she wrestled... but I'd rather see her box.- Nash on Gorgeous George... (this is why Nash is GOD)
13) Buchanon is so damn big. He weighed in today at about 3 and a quarter. It’s all muscle!- Ross
What size is his head?- Lawler
I don’t know. I didn’t get into that.- Ross
(silence as Ross possibly gives Lawler a little ear full off mic)
You think it’s funny that I prepare for a broadcast?- Ross
I just... ha ha... can’t imagine...- Lawler
What did YOU this afternoon? Go to a MALL?- Ross
... eight and three quarters...heh... eight and three inches head... WHO CARES?- Lawler
Well, YOU call yourself a King. That’s what I’m saying, WHO CARES?- Ross
(Ross was clearly in a huff as Lawler tried to change topics)
Speaking of heads, what do you think is going through Vince’s head right now? What do you think HE’s thinking about?- Lawler
Something evil. Something sinister..- Ross
Why do you keep...- Lawler
Something to make the Rock and the Undertaker’s life a living HELL.- Ross
Why are you so NEGATIVE? What has Vince done to YOU?- Lawler
Fired me twice. Anything else you want to go into?- Ross
Remember when he invested everyone’s pension plans at the racetracks?- Lawler
I loved... ABSOLUTELY LOVED that last exchange. Priceless.
WIDRO: INTERNETIONAL MAN OF MISERY
After I posted the Mop-Up Raw Retro last week, Widro sent me this:
have to have a talk about posting... i'm not entirely sure why you posted a major new thing during ppv coverage... as of right now, you are not allowed to post anything directly to the site anymore... i am extremely upset
Isn't he cute? Later on, he said that it was just because Unforgiven was so crappy that he was in a pissy mood. All was well again and we went back to our usual routine where I griped about how he and Ashish didn't praise my greatness enough and he completely patronized and humored me.
But I waited for the time to get a little REVENGE... and last night... I GOT SOME!!
Hyatte1com: I'm going to ask you a serious question
Hyatte1com: do you remember you're first blowjob?
Hyatte1com: What was his name?
Hyatte1com: HAW HAW HAW
Hyatte1com: now say something Widro-ey... 'cause this is for the column
Widro: if it wasn't for the hits, you would have been canned months ago
Hyatte1com: nah, that's Ashish
Hyatte1com: Ah Widro... guys our age have the world by the tail!
Widro: Our age?
Widro: You're 36
Hyatte1com: The F*ck I am!! I am a spry 26
Widro: You were 29 three years ago!
Hyatte1com: WHOOPS!!! GOTTA GO!!
I logged off before he could respond. 36... how dare he. Little squirt.
VENGENCE IS MINE, SAYETH THE HYATTE!!!
I am... SO gay.
The Torch Newsletter showed up ON time last week. It occurred to me that Wade ONLY hustles the newsletters out fast when he's particularly proud of that week's edition... when it's a standard, ho-hum, by the numbers edition... he mails them out when he's friggin' good and ready. We NEED SOME CONSISTENCY WADE... LIKE REAL MAGAZINES!!!
Bad news... not too much real juicy news was in there last week, although Powell and McNeil both had pretty good columns... and Keller made me laugh by covering the PWI 500 and completely blowing off every Japanese guy on the list. God bless 'em.
Meanwhile... when Meltzer's proud of HIS newsletter... it's JUMBO size, when he's REALLY proud of it, it's JUMBO SIZE THAT'S ABOUT AS LONG AS A SHORT NOVEL!!! When he's not too impressed with what's in there, he just reels off the word count... which I bet is a LIE anyway... Meltzer knows no one will actually COUNT the motherfukka.
That's about it.
WELCOME BACK SCHWEINHUND
Since Screech was on the NWA show a couple of weeks ago... and made a geeky ass of himself by bringing a personal assistant with him... and since Screech once pounded the snot out of Horshack on Fox a few months ago... I thought I'd tie nothing up together and give you THIS:
Just a note for future Screech vs Ron Pallillo (Horshack) references. I live in NYC, and a couple of years ago Ron Pallillo was doing a one-man Off-Broadway play about the trial of Adolph Eichmann. My brother and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to take in this tour de force, so we went to check it out. There was one bizarre aspect that Pallillo had added. He created a scene where Eichmann was jerking off to newsreels of the concentration camps. Now we looked at each other and just shook our heads. It was as if Horshack felt that he couldn't put enough heat on Eichmann by simply using the truth--that Eichmann was responsible for the liquidation of millions. But if we show him jerking off, then everyone will think he's an asshole, unbelievable.
Wow... that's hardcore... that's the METHOD!
I hear Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington, while playing Idi Amin on stage, actually eats an audience member to show that he's really, REALLY a cannibal.
I also hear Gabe Kaplan... when he was doing his "Groucho" show, actually shoved cigars up female chooches ON STAGE... not for any character device, but just because Gabe hates women and saw it as an excuse.
Oh, and Travolta might be a fudgepacker... and Kelly Lynch is a beard. But that's just a rumor... I'd ask Russo for confirmation... but he never answers
THE HEDGEHOG WAS 501
The only time when Stu Saks and his PWI kayfabe lovin' magazines become semi-relevant is when they throw darts at a wall and knock out the PWI 500.
Umm, no... I'm not listing them... are you out of your mind?
What I DID do is pour over the list and pulled out the names that could VERY EASILY be names of well paid... well hung porn stars. Male porns stars.
Why didn't PWI list any female wrestlers? The F**k... I'm sure Trish Stratus and that other girl... the injured one.. the really built exotic number... umm... oh what is her name, the nice slice of dark meat... damn, I forgot... anyway... I'd match those two against some of these guys. WHY NO GIRLS, SAKS?? YOU HOMOS AFRAID OF WOMEN????
Anyway... give me a friggin' break... those PWI perverts pulled some of these people off AVN News... or maybe Blue Balls:
16. Shocker, 56. Lance Storm , 69. Tarzan Boy , 77. Atlantis 102. Negro Casas, 123. Villano III (The Jizz Guzzler), 155. Shark Boy, 192. Matt Stryker, 195, 239. B.J. Whitmer, 259. Justice Pain, 272. John Rambo, 290. Boomer Payne, 292. Colt Cobana, 293. Vance Nevada, 303. Max Justice, 306. Nick Mondo, 311. Monsta Mack, 327. Mr. Ooh La La, 339. Johnny Swinger, 348. Ace Steel, 353. Natrone Steele, 366. Dino Divine, 381. Hardcore Kidd, 382. Romeo Valentino, 386. Sean Stylez, 392. Larry Destiny, 396. Mark Mercedes, 399. Dirk Ciglar, 408. Giant Singh, 409. J-Rocc, 410. Eric Everlast,
412. The California Kid , 414. Nova Cain , 417. Major Havoc, 422. Spazman Anthony 426. Boogalou, 432. Rollin' Hard, 439. Johnny Maxx, 442. Johnny Handsome, 451. The Codfather, 453. Flex Fenom, 454. Leslie Leatherman, 461. Stamp Lickage, 463. Roman,
464. Nikki Strychnine, 488. Buck Wylde
Now come on.... look at this fruity list. Mr. Ooh La La? Major Havoc? STAMP LICKAGE???
Sean "Spiffy" Stylez? He's still around? Jeeze.
Negro Casas... "Black Houses"... BWAHAHAHAAA
By the way... looking at all these big dickish names... I suddenly feel the need to give YOU geeks something to drool over.
Since you and I BOTH know you ain't ever getting laid (shout out to THE RICK!)... consider this a public service... or "pubic"... heh heh heh.
James Waikle told me about what www.explosion-toys.com is peddling:
Adult Film Superstars Figures [Pre-order]
Shipping in December 2002. Each stands approximately 6" tall. Each features removable costume to reveal anatomically correct body underneath! Choose from Jenna Jameson, Julie Meadows, Kylie Ireland, Midori, Houston or Nikita Denise.
Go there and you'll see a couple of dolls posing... and the look on their faces pretty much resembles the look the real life girls would make if they saw your small-dick, sweaty fat ass heading towards them full steam ahead.
Jenna J... that gal gets her boobies EVERYWHERE. Girl knows how to WORK IT.
Screw it... while where talking about poon... let me seque to a story where YOU, John Q Virgin... can actually get LAID... for REAL... with... guess who...
CLASS!! THY NAME IS MISSY
I'll say this for Missy Hyatt, the girl walks it like she talks it.
My man who has a membership into the Vixxxens site hit me with this info...
Missy has announced that she will start doing "hardcore" pictorials IF... IF... she gets 5'000 more subscribers to the Wrestling Vixxxens site. Might be fun to subscribe, only so if she worms out of it... I can raise holy hell.
But that's not the big deal... THIS is:
Missy is going to open a site called www.sexlotto.com. (it ain't operating yet, and I guess the addy might change) and she's holding a lottery. You'll have to buy a ticket... but it might be worth it.
The winner of the lottery will spend a weekend... alone... in Reno, Nevada with Missy. Just the two of you. For two whole days.
I didn't see the announcement... but apparently, Missy pretty much guaranteed that if the winner has ANY sort of game... they are getting sex.... and a LOT of it.
Okay... the years haven't been kind to Ms Hyatt... but she's still got the body... and for Chrissakes, she's obviously a goddam wildcat in the sack.
Hey cherries... it's your dream come true... A SURE THING!!
I'm buying a ticket... I'll buy 100 if I can. Just to tell the story here. Yeah, and because... well... a few years ago I used to spank my monkey to her regularly. I'm going for it. Who cares if she has a disease or ten.... I ain't looking to live that much longer.
Better yet... YOU buy me some lotto tickets too... come on, don't you ALL want to see King Hyatte bang Missy? Wouldn't that be fun?
I'll keep you informed. As the story develops... because THIS IS NEWS, DAMMIT!!!
MY THREE STOOGES
MoeFugger: hey I heard from Hyatte that you are a gay homosexual....is
MoeFugger: good answer!!! I give it a thumbs in the middle
OORick signed off at 5:03:57 PM.address in Delaware:
nymgame: butt plug?
nymgame: butt plug?
nymgame: butt plug?
OORick signed off at 10:45:12 PM.
Why doesn't he even TRY to talk to them? I usually talk to EVERYONE... no matter what they say.
Picked this up off the Torch... Blowjob Bethel had this to say:
For any of you newer columnists out there who are really trying to judge whether your column is a success or not, let me give you a helping hand. Once you do something, and it moves on to a major site or two, and everyone on the planet starts accusing you of ripping you off, you can pretty much take it to the bank that you are doing a good job.
Umm, no... if everyone on the planet is calling you a rip-off... it usually means you are a rip-off... the fact that people, who generally don't really gibe a rip shit, all shout in unison that you're a rip-off... then that means you are a BAD RIP-OFF, you dumb f*ck... face it.
Why do I care? Easy, because a few years ago, for zero reason other than because he just HAD to put in his two cents, BlowJob said this about me:
I guess since Hyatte can't figure out other ways to be a racist, and re-tell the old jokes again on the Nitro report, Al decided to give him a shot at the news for some reason
Oh, I forget NOTHING, bitch... Raw meat, pink juicy and blah... no wonder you're BlowJob... must love the cock
Finally... let's have fun with CRZ... and his mouthy c*nt of a woman:
Could you guys start taking your 411 obsession to the 411 message boards? It's really starting to make you look even more life-deprived than you normally look.- CRZ, getting mad on his message board
Yes, by all means, please stick to the topic the board was MEANT for... sucking his balls and sucking them WITH LOVE.
But don't think all that sucking will win you his RESPECT... one poster there, named Jubuki, who is VERY vocal about what a useless tool I am for having DARED rag on his boy... well Jubuki was banned by CRZ for the weekend for something probably harmless, but bad enough to earn his ruler's rage. Poor guy. CRZ will let you in, but not TOO far in... always at arm's length... he's the boss... he's the emperor... respect his authoritah... you are all bitches in CRZ's world. Fear him.
Jubuki was so heartbroken that he contacted ME and gave me something juicy... something very secretive... very hush hush. Something very private...
Namely, CRZ's girlfriend's top secret Personal On-line Journal!!! That's right. A journal she NEVER boasts about!! Oh yes, come and read her talk about the misery of her life... how she cannot stand the slugs of humanity who dare breathe her oxygen.... it's your standard, pretentious, "I-Am-Woman-Hear-Me-Roar" spiel. Filled with such oh-so precious titles as the boys are like babyfaced girls, would you like some of my tangerine?, spurtability, won't you come and save me, gotta get us to the shore, it's a long, long way, oh no, old spice, if you skate it would be great, and retrovertigo.
There is good news for our hero! Apparently, his silly c*nt of a girlfriend has finally quit her job, and is FINALLY going to make the big move to California, presumably to be with her man FULL-TIME... 24/7... forever and ever and ever... CRZ will get his gal LIVE AND IN COLOR every day... no escape... he gets BITCHFACTOR in his ear FULL TIME....
Run, Chris.... run like the wind... you poor bastard.
HAW... thanks to Jubuki for this. You can contact him on AIM under the Screen name: SteveCusackFaggy
THE MAN WHO WOULD BE... OH, WAIT... HE ALREADY IS KING
There's a story I heard about this lady who works in a bank in New Hampshire, whereJ.D.Salinger has a safety deposit box. And every year he'd go in with a wrapped box. And if you've ever worked in publishing, you know what an 8-by-10 box is- it's a manuscript. So she said, "Are those books you're putting away?" and he said yes. And she said, "Are you ever going to publish them?" And he looked down his nose at her and said "What for?" And it's one of those stories where you gotta say, "If it ain't true, it oughta be."- Stephen King, on what he plans to do after he "retires"
King recently confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that after he wraps up the Dark Tower books, he will never publish again. While millions of wannabe writers start frantically typing away their novels to take over the hole that will leave the horror genre... wannabe BAD writers (I'm looking at YOU Scooter), I thought it would be a perfect time to update and repost a classic closer from the days of ScoopThis. It's an overview and ranking of King's work. It's a long one, updated with most of his work since I first wrote it.
Since I am in such a Literary Frenzy over the guy, I thought I’d list some of his best stuff, in my view. Of course, with this column being what it is, I’ll tag on some of his horrible, do-not-go-NEAR books of his that truly blew. Get your Library cards ready kid... time to do some REAL "booking".
Because of the wide variety of his stuff, I’ve categorized this list into three parts: THE BEST, THE GOOD, and PURE CRAP.
The Best: Books everyone should read, Horror fan or not, because they are truly excellent page turners.
1) The Stand: It’s a Masterpiece. King balances SEVERAL characters quite nicely in the overwhelming job of orchestrating the end of the World and the scattered few left behind. The one problem with it is the villain, Randall Flagg. You never really get a sense of who he is or what he can do. One chapter he’s seemingly unstoppable, and the next, he’s vulnerable. People say that King can get too wordy with his work, but in a book like this, every word he writes is important. Good stuff.
2) The Shining: The movie sucked. Both of them. Stanley Kubrick practically made Jack Nicholson a monster from the opening reel. The TV mini-series was watered down for the family. In the book, we see Jack Torrance get seduced not by the Ghosts of the Hotel, but by his own shortcomings and inadequacies. He starts out as a family man, and ends up a monster. It’s also the SCARIEST book he has ever written. Anyone who remembers being a kid who was finally allowed to stay home alone at night when their parents were out, will read this and remember how much you peed your pants when you heard noises coming from the cellar, coming from the dark.
3) Firestarter: Not so much scary, but it’s one hell of a page turner. I love stuff about the "dark" side of Government, the stuff nobody knows about.
4) Misery: Quite simply, you can not put this book down. King hasn’t written a better character, a more detailed character, than Annie Wilkes. People always talk about when she hacked off his foot with the ax, the part that gets me is when she sliced off his Thumb, then put it on top of a Birthday cake.
5) Eyes of the Dragon: It’s his best villain, Flagg the Sorcerer. It’s a deviation from the norm, a horror tale set in the times of Kings, Queens, and swashbuckling. I’m amazed nobody made a movie out of this yet, because it’s also the flashiest thing he’s written too. Plus he has the tone of the times down, including dialect.
6) The Tommyknockers: His hero, Jim Gardner, is probably the most tortured protagonist he’s ever created, I'm convinced he's King's idea of a modern day Hamlet. Gardner is a loser, and a raging alcoholic who spends much of the book sloshed out of his mind. Yet, he is also tragic, because he knows that helping his only friend dig up the Spaceship is the only way he can stay there and try to figure out a way to save her, even though she doesn’t want to be saved. It might be my all time favorite.
7) Skeleton Crew: It’s a selection of short stories. Of all his collections, this is the one with the fewest clunkers in the bunch.
8) Different Seasons: Four tales, three of them made into movies. The Fourth one, Breathing Method, is really quite boring. Of the three, The Shawshank Redemption is really the first story that was surpassed by the movie in terms of quality. Apt Pupil is my favorite book of the four.
9) Desperation: King mixes in horror with a HEAVY dose of religion. One kid loses his whole family while pulling off miracles, and one old writer finally finds his own salvation. Plus, the part where the Monster takes over the boy’s mother’s body is a GREAT twist.
10) The Green Mile: Buy it as a whole, not in serialized form. Another one where the movie gets it right... but the fact that top level actors were involved helped that cause quite a bit (come on, how good would the movie be if... say John Travolta or Bruce Willis played the Tom Hanks role?)
11) Bag of Bones: I’m a sucker for first person narration, and I believe it’s his first book that almost qualifies as a genuine mystery. You learn as the character learns. It’s hard to put down a book like that. It sometimes gets bogged down in prose, but that's my only complaint. The scene where the protagonist is struggling in the lake while someone throws heavy rocks at him is exceptionally vivid.
12) Christine: Again, I love first person narration. Can’t get enough of it.
13) The Bachman Books: These are those four short stories lumped into one huge book. "Rage" was okay, "The Long Walk" was outstanding, "The Running Man" was outstanding, and "Road Work" is something I could never get into. Three out of four ain’t that bad.
14) Everything's Eventual: These recent shorts were all written within the last few years, where I personally feel King has been at his creative and literal peak. I offer these stories as proof. Oh sure, there are a couple of misfires... but the ones that are good are really, REALLY good. By the way, three of them, Lunch at Gotham Cafe, 1408, and In the Deathroom were originally part of a cigarette themed audio-collection. I recommend you pick that up just to hear the pure joy in his voice as King tells his stories.
15) On Writing: Good, great essay on how he does it. I really can't say it's a "How To" manual, because there isn't really ANY easy to follow directions that can be made into a guideline, but he does offer solid advice. Wannabe writers should read then part about building your own "toolbox" and then go for it.
The Good: (Books that are more for the die hard fan. Most of which are really solid stuff, but none kept me up until the wee hours turning pages despite the time.)
1) The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: The good part of this book is the creature that keeps visiting the little girl, lost in the woods. He writes this Monster as some sort of Demon Beast. I couldn’t WAIT to see it when it finally comes out. In the end, I was disappointed. Still, it was a short book, with nary a sub-plot to be found. It's the perfect book to read on a long trip.
2) The Regulators: The fun part was how the characters from "Desperation" were the characters in here, with the same antagonist, yet in a different tale. It’s not as good as "Desperation", and all of the religious aspects were jettisoned.
3) Thinner: Nice premise, but too slow at times. Plus the ending was ambiguous.
4) Four Past Midnight: Four stories here. Of the four, "The Sun Dog" was the best. "The Library Policeman" was the worst. "The Langoliers" and "Secret Window, Secret Garden" fell somewhere in between, especially since I got the twist at the end of "Secret Window..." right away.
5) Night Shift: Another collection of shorts. Just a few more clunkers in here than in "Skeleton Crew". It was his first collection, so I assume many of the stories were written just as he was getting the hang of it.
6) Nightmares and Dreamscapes: His final series of shorts. The first half dozen or so stories really rock the house. There is some vintage King in there. The second half is pretty cruddy, though. Many stories I can’t even look at.
7) Pet Semetary: It’s creepy stuff here, man. Really creepy stuff. Easily, King's most tragic book. There isn't a single happy ending to be found in here.
8) Carrie: It’s his first book. It’s solid stuff, but mixing in the narrative with "selections" from various books and transcripts about the girl and what she did really ruined the pace of the story. Later on, King said he did that intentionally, to fill the book.
9) Needful Things: When I first read it 7 years or so ago, I hated it. I just finished re-reading it, and while it’s a bit short on actual Horror, it is a mighty good set of quick character studies, as well as being a pretty tightly woven storyline. King has major balls using Elvis Presley as the sexual fantasy of two fat ladies, I wonder how he got Graceland to approve it.
10) Gerald’s Game: A girl gets handcuffed by her husband to a bed, then the Husband dies. The psychological reflections she goes through gets boring, but when she sees that figure in the shadows at night... and what that figure actually turned out to be... well, that’s the price of admission right there.
11) Insomnia: Eh. Too slow at times. The man's got balls tho', basing the book around a senior citizen.
12) It: WAAAAY too slow at times. A lot of boring characters, and let’s face it... it is too long.
13) The Dead Zone: It’s good, but it’s one of his earliest books, and it kind of shows. Plus, we never see how the antagonist, Greg Stillson, could get away with being such a psycho, yet still be on his way to the Presidency.
14) Cujo: The part where the dog stakes out the woman and her son in the car is gripping. The characterization of small town life is fantastic. However, the whole Haunted Closet sub-plot makes no sense and doesn’t go anywhere. Also, the sub-plot with the Mother of the dog’s owner deciding whether or not to leave her husband and take their son with her just seems like King was looking to fill out the book.
15) Hearts In Atlantis: It's really a collection of long-form short stories, but it plays like a full novel. The first story is great (don't let the lazy movie fool you) as it focuses on a boy losing his innocence just as the country was about to do the same. The second story does the same, paralleling a bunch of college kids blowing off classes and studying over an obsession with a card game with the country's reluctance to fully address the Vietnam mess. The last couple of stories serve as "morning after hangovers", dealing with recovery, guilt, and remorse. It would be in the BEST category, but I found that after one reading, I was set. Great books you can read over and over.
16) Dreamcatcher: King's first full length wham bang novel in a few years. Starts off good, but he spends too many pages on one particular situation... especially with the parts where two sets of characters were traveling across Maine during a blizzard. Great villain though, Kurtz, who King sums up beautifully in one sentence, Dreamless since childhood and thus unsane.... You gotta LOVE the "shit weasels" though... nasty little buggers.
Pure Crap (Stuff so bad, I could barely finish it.)
1) The Talisman: King wrote it with Peter Straub. Ironically, half of the book is a great read, and the other half is rather crappy.
2) The Dark Half: The premise was incredible. Much like his real life where some fan figured King out to be Richard Bachman, and tried to blackmail him with it, this played on the same path. Yet it just didn’t work. I’ve tried three times to read it through, and all three times I quit. It’s not a horrible book, it just doesn’t have... it.
3) Dolores Claiborne: Never read it, never will.
4) Rose Madder: Wife escapes from an abusive husband. Abusive husband goes after her. Wife hires a demon in a picture to take care of Husband. Or something. I read it once, or tried to. Virtually unreadable.
5) ‘Salem’s Lot: Ugh. back when I was a teenager, I thought this book was incredible. I read it again recently. It’s a mess. The main characters are basically pussies, the Vampire does things which are never explained. The plotting is sloppy, the pace is way off. It’s a big mess.
6) The Black House: I'm currently reading it, or trying too. It isn't grabbing my attention so far. 100 pages in and I still find my mind wandering as I skim through paragraphs. That's not good. Still, I trust the authors and will keep going.
As for the Dark Tower series... I decided to wait until next year, then buy all of them and have one big blast. It'll be fun reading King tie in elements from his "straight" books into this fantasy series. Looking forward to it.
There you go, my walk into Literary waters. I don't know, the description of From a Buick 8 doesn't seem too appealing... but we'll see.
Okay, so it isn’t Melvin. So it isn’t F. Scott Fitzgerald. None of these books are going to be the next "Catcher in the Rye". Who cares? They are FUN! It’s entertainment that will spirit you away from the doldrums and miseries of everyday life. Eat me AND F-You
I think he'll publish again. Call me crazy.
All this talk of writing makes me want to bang out another short story or two. Those who know, and care, keep an eye out. (And if you don't know, don't ask)
Well, of course... first thing's first... the final Mop-Up Raw Retrospective is posted. The last Nitro retro will go up tomorrow... where I promise TONS of bashing of Mark Madden's Mother.
This is Velocity care of Brower, This is Heat care of Jennette, and This is Confidentialcare of Gibbons. Jesus, the Austin story AGAIN?? How many times are they going to run that thing?
Josh Nason calls Vince McMahon an Idiot! He has a point there, too.
It's good to see Daniels and other 411 writers branch out and do music columns... especially since they clearly enjoy writing about something different. Daniels talks about music and , of course.. what's Weak in Wrestling, and BOY is there a lot to cover.
Hey Look! A Smark not named "Scooter" decided to show up!. Joey Bower posts another manifesto! This week, he has a chat with a real life GAY GUY!!! I think... at least that's what he told me
Honky gets a week off as a personal favorite of his pays the net a rare visit... hold onto something because the King is holding court...
TAKE US HOME, JERRY
For the first time in EONS, Jerry "The King" Lawler has updated his site. It ain't pretty. Here is the condensed version:
First of all, he invited people to... well, I'll let him say it:
So feel free to e-mail me at JERLAWLER@AOL.COM with any comments or questions you may have. But please don't bother asking stuff like, "King, will you please send me Stacy Keibler's e-mail address," or "King, will you tell Triple H that I said he sucks!" Because I really don't have time for that kind of stuff, plus I don't want to get into anyone else's business, if you know what I mean.
Okay... then he talked about his book, what he's up to... then... then... well, then things get sad.... heartbreaking even:
July was a pretty rough month for me for a couple of reasons. I still can't believe it's been a year ago, July 13th, that my wife Stacy left me. One year and two months she's been gone, and sadly, I still miss her as much today as I did the day she left. I know that sounds hard to believe, but I have had a really tough time trying to get over Stacy. I still remember a lot of the e-mails I got from people last year saying things like, "You'll get over her in time...." or "It will hurt less and less as time goes by....or "One day you'll find someone new and you'll forget about Stacy." Well, to me, a year is a pretty long time, and I was hoping that by now it would hurt less, and that I would be over her, but that's just not the case. Stacy is still in Florida. We talk on the phone from time to time and I have even gone down there to seen her a few times, but nothing good has come of it. We are not officially divorced yet either. That is still in the works. I guess I haven't been rushing the divorce proceedings because I was hoping for some sort of reconciliation but it is one of those situations where she says she wants us to be "friends," but that is all she can offer me.
BUT... is there maybe a NEW love in The King's life? The King seems to think YES!
If you visit my website very much you probably have seen a photo or two of a young lady named Joni. She's the one that my webmaster dubbed, "The King's hot new babe!" Well, actually Joni has been a Godsend to me. She came along when I was really at my lowest and provided me with some much needed companionship and understanding. It seemed that she had been through similar circumstances a few times in her life and she knew exactly what I was going through. I met Joni last November, on Thanksgiving to be exact, and since that time, we have spent a lot of time together. She has worked with me as my valet on many independent wrestling shows, and it kept me from having to make so many of those trips alone. She has been with me at times when, had I been alone, I would have been the most miserable person on earth. Times like last Christmas. Christmas was always such a special time of year for Stacy and I, and I don't know if I could have made it through it alone. Thank God Joni was there for me at Christmas. She's been a great friend...she's tried to help me through this whole Stacy situation with patience and understanding. She knows I am not over Stacy and she doesn't put any pressure on me or try to rush things. She just says, like everyone else, "It's going to take time."
Ahh... the King moves on... yet will he be able to put the HURT away? Or is he scarred forever?
This... my friends... is why I will NEVER allow myself to fall in love. Just spread them legs and Hyatte will be just fine and dandy.
Can't wait to hear Honky's take on the situation.
Thanks to Rusty for this.
Next week Across the Boards returns. I would have had them this week but I ran long.
Over the week, you get Eric, Grut, Mr. Intensity, The Guy Who's Proud to Be Named After a Bug That Lives on the Asshair of a Dog, and then I'll be Back. It's the 411 All-Stars!!!!
This is Hyatte