The Midnight News 10.28.02 

Posted By Hyatte on 10.28.02

Steiner, Steph, Taxes, Hardy Likes 'Em Young, The Rick In Love, One of the Worst Things I've Ever Done, Richard Harris, Quotes, the Torch V.I.P Thing, 1Bob, Smokers, Flea, Barnett, Comics, and Honky Gets Revenge 

I've recently discovered the internet wrestling community and has become a faithful reader of the 411 wrestling website's columns. I stumbled upon your Midnight news, and while utterly shocked by many of your jokes and claims, i couldn't supress a loud laugh as i was reading your work. Then i tried to track down your other work, which you were referring to. The recent Mop-Ups simply killed me. I rarely had so much fun while reading a piece of work. I also read the entire And Another Thing in a couple of days. I was fascinated. This was a brand new Hyatte, witty and insightful. Wrestling is still perceived, here in France, despit some glory days back in the 50's, as a goofy entertainement exhibition for ultra retarded young idiots, only watched by a handful of fans. Information and advice has always been VERY difficult to get. For exemple, only one shop, on the whole territory, sells wrestling tapes and DVDs. So i am always on the lookout for your kind of work. And it was probably the best i ever read so far. So for the insights, the information and the fun, from a faithful french reader, thank you 


Aww... see, the French have some taste... and what if they bent over and spread for the Nazis... so what? 

What? I can't have a f*cking POSITIVE e-mail up here? F*CK YOU!!! 

I'm Chris and this is the News. What little of it there is. 

Congrats to the Angels for beating big, bad Barry Bonds and the Giants. Both teams were wild cards and both teams fought very hard to make it there. Among the threat of a strike, obscene paychecks, and F-ing Steinbrenner... this was just the shot in the arm MLB needed... it's almost as if it was ARRANGED this way... 

In a related note, I have a baseball themed novella about half finished... those who know where to find it can look for that... and if you don't, there is a very good reason for it and don't f-ing ask!! 

This week, very little ACTUAL news and one GIANT story on another web guy that, if you are interested, will BLOW YOUR MIND. I'm serious... it's worse than that report I had on Scooter's Hollywood connection last Summer. 

Let's get this going... lots of typos await. 


Quick points: 

-I have written many a line over the past 5 years about f-ing (usually after killing) dead girls. It's all been on the web. I really should sue those WWE pricks for RIPPING ME OFF. 

-I heard Stephanie of Stern two weeks ago. I am convinced her appearance and what she said was designed specifically to get her over with the Stern crowd... and thus the audience who listen to Howard and watch wrestling. It's all part of "Operation Get Steph Over"... Michael Jackson would envy the calculated tactics used here. Don't fall for the hype. Or do... I don't care. 

-Steiner in the WWE... I love it. He's a f-ing nut... he'll start some trouble. He'll raise hell. He'll scare the shit out of everyone. It'll be a blast. 

-I'm guessing a big swerve at first and instead of HHH vs Steiner... they'll team up with Flair and that WWE Horsemen thing will kick in with Steiner adding more of the "WCW Flavor" to the mix. Then Vince will bury the whole concept because... naturally... if he didn't dream up the idea, then IT SUCKS!!! 

-When your back-up lap-top says "Operating System Not Found" every time you try to start it... that's never good, is it? I'm basically F-ed, aren't I. 

-The worst part is... when I finally take the thing down to get fixed, and if they do fix it... then I have to deal with a roomful of people seeing what I use for wallpaper. It may cost me an extra c-note just to keep them from calling the friggin' cops. Crap! 


I'm hardly even into this story anymore, mostly because it just shows how out "non-inside" I really am (and I say that with PRIDE, DAMMIT)... but this is a response to something I had in the last News column two long weeks ago. 

A couple of items about taxes & the IRS. But please don't use my real name or email address in your column. Call me Ms. Deep Throat if you want. ;-) 

An enrolled agent with the IRS, which is what Mintgiver said he is, is not someone who is actually employed by the IRS. An enrolled agent is someone who applies to the IRS for that status & meets certain requirements, in order to be granted a license as an enrolled agent. This is someone who knows a little more about taxes than the average 

guy on the street, but he's not qualified to be a CPA. How do I know this? How do you think? 

WWE treats all of their wrestlers as self-employed contractors. Read Lance Storm's commentaries or either of Mick Foley's books if you don't believe me. What Mintgiver said about WWE possibly withholding taxes from their pay because they may be employees is all wrong. Pro wrestlers have no health insurance and no retirement plan from their employers. They don't get paid vacations or sick days or holidays. They pay for their own transportation, lodging and meals while on the road. They pay for their own gear and costumes. They have to make their own income tax and Social Security (self employment tax) payments. 

I'm not guessing about this, I'm sure. Again, if you don't believe me, check out what Storm & Foley have to say on the subject, especially Foley. 


Ms. Deep Throat ;-) 

Thank you Wendy O'Shalloran.... WHOOPS 


Two weeks ago, I said the following about Matt Hardy's current push (the headline was titled A Reason to Cheer, fear the sting of IRONY!!): 

Sometimes the good guys DO win... even in this nutty ass business. (watch, tomorrow Matt will be arrested as a kiddie porn maker or something) 

Well... some guy read that and JUMPED at the chance to tell me THIS: 

Somewhat ironically (or coincidentally? Fuck it...), this came about 2 days after a new female friend shared a story about Matt Hardy. She's a psychotic Matt Hardy fan, and met him at a house show a couple years ago. Apparently, he was quite, how should I say, "taken with her assets", to the point that he never actually made eye contact with her, despite talking to her for a good 5 minutes. 

This may not seem too odd or fucked up... with the exception of the fact that this happened a couple of years ago, and she just turned 18 *evil grin*. And, although quite cute, she does look young for her age... so you can imagine what she looked like a couple years ago. 

Look at that, Hyatte. You're a f*cking prophet. 

Moo. (Some weird jackass whose name you won't remember. Bet ya remember the "Moo" though.) 

I sure did. 


Me? Oh... maybe you should read this first: 


Oh... oh this is gonna hurt. It's also going to be longer than usual... but the pay-off is unbelievable. You may HATE me after you read this. I may lose a few readers. Widro may bitch at me too. 

So, a couple of months ago, I started wondering what could I do to a web guy that would really drop jaws? How could I take bashing to a whole new level? 

I had an idea. I started wondering how cool it would be if I could get a girl to seduce one of these phony ass web writers who always carried themselves like they were above normal humans. What if I could get a girl to expose just how dippy these boys actually are. 

And my God in Heaven... it worked. It worked SO well that the girl had to end it because he fell in LOVE with her... within just a few weeks. It was embarrassing how HARD he fell... it was so embarrassing that I started to feel bad and ended it before he REALLY made a fool out of himself. 


scaia? scaia is a nice guy. HE is the most normal human being in the scene. he's beyond the immaturity. Scaia blows away hyatte, eric, grut and flea's humorless, self-important shit any day of the week. 

One of The Rick's writers... a reader sent me this chat transcript. 

Bad news... the Rick isn't blowing ANYTHING... and apparently never did. 

I have this friend, a girl, who took my challenge to seduce the Rick. She tried to break down the hard built walls of OORick and turn him into a quivering blob of lovesick jello. She asked for an alias... so for the purposes of this story, she will be known as "Nicola Sixx". She's a hottie too, by the way. 

It was painfully easy. After just a couple of friendly IM messages (and someone PLEASE break it to poor Zimmerman that yes, OORick is Rick Scaia... he admitted as much to the girl AND claims that he lied because of "all the harassment". He also called those who dare contact him "mushrooms." Weeds from shit that keep sprouting up. He hopes that they will eventually peter out and leave him alone. After everyone reads this, I think it's safe to say OORick will be dealing with you mushrooms for a long time to come.), a little flirting, and one check with a mutual friend to make sure the girl was "legit"... the Rick developed a little crush. 

The only error my girl made was that she gave him her phone number too quickly... most of their chats occurred over the phone... 

But, just so you see how much of a PLAYA the Rick is... here is a very quick exchange AIM exchange: 

OORick: Hi :) 

Nicola Sixx: hi 

OORick: How's life, pretty lady? 

Nicola Sixx: Good, I had a massage today. 


Nicola Sixx: huh? 

OORick: ;) 

Nicola Sixx: Only on to check email, I have to pick my dog up 

OORick: Can I call you later? 

Dig those smiley faces... dig those winks. That's a MAN for ya. 

Now, it should be pointed out that Nicola is online ALL the time. She actively AVOIDED talking to the Rick. She hated him. He made her feel "queasy" was her exact words. 

Why? Well, during their very first phone call, you know, where you do your best to impress the girl? Ol' Rick divided his time between talking to her and watching the Sci Fi channel. Come on Rick... turn off Star Trek just once, WILL YOU PLEASE? 

Oh, and how do I KNOW she was telling me the truth? Because I now have Rick's phone number. Hey Rick, does 330-823-**** ring any bells? Is there a 6 and a 0 somewhere in those last 4 #'s? 

Oh, and yes, I called him too. I wonder if Ricky remembers THIS phone call: 


Is Rick there? 

This is Rick. Who's this? 


This is he, who's this? 

Okay, just making sure. 


Well, it's not like I had nothing to SAY to the guy. 

Oh, it's him all right. 

Anyway, the weeks went by and the Rick fell deeper and deeper in love. The phone calls got more and more "sexual"... but Nicola noticed that the Rick's idea of sex talk involved "lots of $5 words". 


"I want to lick you all over!" So says the Rick. This induced actual nausea in my girl. 

"I want to stick my tongue in and out of your vagina" So says the Rick... an actual quote. Not "pussy", not "love hole", no... he had to be TECHNICAL. Nicola pointed out that at no time did the Rick talk about touching her clit... her exact words "Chris, I don't think he has ever gone down on a woman before, and if he did, he must have pissed her off" 

Poor guy. 

Poor Rick starting getting SO worked up... Nicola described the sound he makes when he's beating off over the phone... there is heavy breathing involved... some hard panting... and... I shit you not... the sound of fist against flab in a kind of sloppy slapslapslapslap Nicola said it was "like hearing a stuffy college professor getting off" 

The man is 28. 

Finally we killed it. She couldn't take it anymore and I started feeling a little bad. Originally, the plan was to get a cyber sex transcript and a photo of him, preferably nude... but neither of us wanted to continue. So she told him that she went back with her boyfriend... The Rick, of course, told her that she would be MUCH HAPPIER with him. 

Then Nicola told him that she only started talking to him to "get back at Hyatte" 

Well, the Rick flew into what Nicola called a "stuttering rant" about me that "lasted over five minutes". He called me "sick", he said I was "obsessed" (If I was I would have pushed for the cybersex), he said I "needed help". He even brought up Scooter and CRZ as OTHER guys who I constantly harass. Yes, even in REAL life, My Three Stooges band together. 

He said, and I quote, "Hyatte!!! He hates women!! You can TELL!!!" The girl said she had to bite her lip hard to keep from laughing in his ear. 

Now, want to know WHY I did this? WHY he deserves it? Because of what the Rick said next... 

Hyatte is nothing but a panderer! He is vulgar! He appeals to the lowest common denominator" 

I couldn't make this up if I tried. 

People... we share the EXACT SAME AUDIENCE... we ALL DO. Me, Him, Scooter, Keller, Ryder... trust me... THIS IS NOT A MASSIVE, DIVERSE AUDIENCE. So, if you read ME... essentially, you are scum and could not handle the highbrow opinions of the Rick. 

Yeah, well at least I know how to work the clit. I'm not afraid of the little man in the canoe, big boy 

The good news in all this? I can safely announce that the Rick is not gay. He might as well be, apparently... but he isn't. 

He also is not a Viking either... which makes his top secret VIKING web page even FUNNER to read in perspective. (I strongly doubt his claims of "taking wenches") 

So, we reach the end of this sad story of web love gone awry. Am I proud of what I did? hell yes, opportunities like this come only every so often... damn straight I'd go for it. 

By the way... what did Nicola Six get out of this? All she wanted was plaster mold of my pecker for seducing the Rick. "Women Who Love Guys Who Hate Women", on the next Montel. 

See, when you learn NOT to fear the clit, a WHOLE WORD opens up for you. 

OORick will never log on AIM again, I'm afraid. He'll certainly never trust anyone again. Heh... I love it when I make people DREAD logging on. HA. 

Next up, Nicola gets CRZ to cheat on his girlfriend... from what I'm hearing, he's pretty much RIPE for it. 

Oh, right... umm, Rick, Nicola wanted you to know that her battery did NOT run out. She just got bored. 

Quick, how many people REALLY, REALLY wish Rick re-starts "Ask The Rick" now? Aren't there about a HUNDRED questions who want to ask him now? HA!! 


This really isn't a column for kids... but what the hell, gotta grow up sometime, might as well do it reading me! 

Hi I'm Dexter Barr my email address is 

and I need to get in touch with eddy guerrero because him and my father arthur barr also last known as the lovemachine so if you could help me I'd be more then happy thank you for your time and help 


Dexter barr of age 13 

Eddie!! You didn't mess with another man's pudding thirteen years ago, DID YOU??? 


One reader sent me some quotes from Johnny Polo... who did color with Gorilla Monsoon for a "WWF Superstars Blooper Tape" or something. Of course, you ALL know who Johnny Polo eventually turned into, right? 

Yep, a JOBBER!! 

AND GAY!!! (if rumors are true) 

Anyway, let's kick off this latest edition with a few of these obscure exchanges between the great Gorilla Monsoon and the man who would be RAVEN!! 

1) There's a lot of gutter garbage in Miami. Luckily I live in Palm Beach. It's an hour away but you would be surprised the difference 60 miles makes in the scenic beauty and class of people.- Johnny Polo 

You live where?- Monsoon 

Palm Beach Florida, Gorilla, you know that. You've been to my palatial estate.- Polo 

I've never been invited.- Monsoon 

Don't lie to the people, you've been there many times.- Polo 

I haven't had the opportunity to decline an invitation- Monsoon 

2) What does the R stand for?- Polo, talking about "IRS" 

I guess Repossess- Monsoon 

No it doesn't. What, Irwin Repossess Shyster? You wouldn't name your kid that. That's as dumb as naming your kid Gorilla Monsoon. Oh, never mind- Polo 

3) What do you think I could get for my singing skills?- Polo 

Close your eyes- Monsoon 

ok- Polo 

What do you see?- Monsoon 

Nothin'- Polo 

There ya go- Monsoon 

4) Mr. Fuji's waving the white flag with the red dot in the middle, that always incites the people.- Polo 

5) You see Ric Martel, you've gotta bring yourself to a realization. At Wrestlemania, when you and I enter into that ring, you're gonna have to be willing to sacrifice the next twenty minutes of your life, to accomplish something that on it's own is pretty difficult, but wearing a blindfold it's virtually impossible. You've got to defeat me, but more've got to survive me.- Jake "The Snake" Roberts 

6) This handicapped match has turned into a 2-on-1 affair!- Michael Cole 

7) There's no need to shout, Tony. I'm sitting right next to you.- Louis Spicolli on Nitro 

8) I'm about to go down to that ring and kick your teeth so far down your throat, you can chew your own ass out for pissing me off - The Undertaker 

9) I'm not in this cage to protect me from you ... I'm in this cage ... to protect YOU from ME!!- Chris Jericho 

10) What kind of matches are you gonna ask for next? A shark-tank match? Where the only way to win to stuff your opponent in a shark's mouth, and then pin the shark? - Kurt Angle 

11) He wore his tired ol' ass out!- Dusty Rhodes 

12) You know my saying that I have. You know "I'm the best there is the best there was and the best there ever will be!?" Well I'm thinking of adding a little whooo! to the end of it- Bret Hart on Nitro while he was feuding with Ric Flair 

13) Jeff Jarrett, I am the Master and the Ruler of the world, and you can't be the master of the master.- Sid Vicious 

14) The McMahons have been married for 34 years, King- Ross 

34 years?? That's longer than I've been alive- Lawler 

15) You like Kamala, don't you?- Heenan 

Yes I do.- Randy Savage 

Would you let him do your taxes? - Heenan 

I'd rather have Kamala do them, than IRS- Savage 

He saved me a packet last year. I paid 78 bucks, cash!- Heenan 

78 dollars?!?....With what you earn!!- McMahon 

I barely make it by, I'm supporting an orphanage in Fiji, you know!- Heenan 

16) That was an illegal move!- Monsoon 

No it wasn't!- Heenan 

Yes it was!- Monsoon 

No, it was a legal move, it was a Greco-Roman Hair Pull.- Heenan 

17) I KNOW who the Assassin is!!!!- Heenan 

Tell us, Brain! Who?- Schiavone 

He's the guy down at ringside wearing the mask!- Heenan 

18) A friend in need is a pest.- Heenan 

19)You don't have to yell at me! I'm not blind!- Heenan 

20) That's right, tickets are going on sale. Well don't get smart with me, I'll slap you in the mouth. Do you want me to knock ya down? I'll talk to you later mom- Heenan on his phone just before WWF Challenge went off the air. 

That's right, I wrapped it up with some choice Heenan lines. Gotta problem with that? 

Damn right you don't! Bitch! 

That Angle line cracks me up every time I read it. 


The following is from one of the best natural storytellers ever. 

1) Early in my career, I was working with an theater group in England. I was cast as "The Doctor" in Macbeth. The lead actor in the play, who played Macbeth the King, was very English, very British and had a snotty attitude towards the Irish. He would call me "Paddy" and "Mick" and he let it be known that he didn't think I deserved this very small part of the Doctor. I should have carried a spear and that's it. He was so rude to be throughout the rehearsals, you couldn't believe. 

In the middle of the play, in my one scene with him where the Doctor would come down with the news that the Queen was dead. Macbeth was to say "HOW GOES THE QUEEN??" and I would say, "The Queen, my Lord, is dead!". This was the cue into Macbeth's best, most important soliloquy, "She should have died hereafter. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time..." and the actor had been waiting for this scene. He was so excited to say it. And I thought, "Just wait until opening night... I'll get you." 

So, on opening night in the middle of the play I make my entrance. There is the actor, in his regal beard and shiny crown, looking full and alive and posh. With his full range he bellows "HOW GOES THE QUEEN??" 

So I look at him and say "Oh she's fine. She's terrific. She'll be up and about in about ten minutes. She's great!" And I back myself off stage and left him standing there. People in the audience say they could hear me in the back yell "Taxi!!" as I left the building. 

2) I had done 2000 performances of Camelot, playing the lead role of "Arthur the King". One performance, I had a scene with the actress playing Guinevere, we were sitting on a rock and my line was "Genny, have you ever wished you were not born a Queen?" and she was to reflect and say "Well, occasionally I do, Arthur." 

Well, on this performance I was very tired... so tired. So during this scene I looked at the actress and asked, "Genny, do you ever wish I was not born a Queen?" 

She looked at me for a second... and she began to shake violently. Her eyelashes started to fall off her face. So I quickly ad-libbed and said "Well, that's why you and Lancelot are having an affair, right?" 

Richard Harris: 10/01/30-10/25/02. The man devoured life. We should all have such an attitude. 

The British have a fantastic habit of taking the best from you and throwing the rest out 


Okay, for those, who are arriving late the party, a recap: 

The following folks were named as being seen sparking the Marlboro’s.... 

Lex Luger, El Gigante, Jason: The World's Sexiest Man, Andre the Giant, Paul Wight, Ricky Morton, Yokozuna, Rick Rude (although he probably quit by now), Nick Patrick, Tommy Rich, One of the Hebners...the one who screwed Bret at the Survivor Series, One of the white Dudleys, Superstar Bill Graham, The Sandman (DUH) Jim Duggan (in High school at least), Jimmy Snuka, Shawn Michaels (at least when he's drunk), William Regal, James Vandenberg , Gene Okerlund, Philip Lafon, Kane, Brian Christopher, Road Dog, Pat Patterson, Jake Roberts, Balls Mahony, Van Hammer, Scotty Riggs, Edge, Senator Atsushi Ohnita, and Randy Savage 

Rena Mero is an occasional smoker. Shawn Michaels is too. Debra and Jerry Lynn MIGHT smoke....Francine MIGHT smoke too. 

...and the two guys who elicited the MOST response...which tells me that they are BIG TIME chain smokers.. John Kronus and Jim Ross. 

Here are some guys who have been seen chewing I have been dipping Copenhagen for over a decade I consider these guys my brothers in spit: Terry Funk, Kurt Angle, The Undertaker, Steve Austin, Rick Steiner, Dusty Rhodes, Dustin Rhodes, Rick Rude (again, chances are that he gave it up by now) and the BIGGEST chain chewer of all time.... TAZ 

Tammy Sytch and Chris Candido have had their share of problems, and I'll pound nails into my pecker if Missy Hyatt isn't a smoker. Have you HEARD her voice? Sting smokes too. 

Years ago, someone was at a party with Shawn Michaels and Road Warrior Hawk, and... well... they were both seen smoking (AN EXTREMELY NASTY SUBSTANCE) from a can... and it wasn't the mary jew wanna either... (once again, this was a LOOOONG time ago and both men have changed their ways and have SEEN THE LIGHT... and it COULD be bullcrap too... so no suing!) 

Rob Van Dam once asked someone if they had any pot on them. Tommy Rich BLEW OFF a fan in order to get high too. Someone claimed that Brian Pillman and Steve Austin shared a doobie with a friend of his during their brief stay in ECW. 

Jimmy Snuka is said to be a HUGE pothead, and recently fessed up to being a coke fiend. Scott Hall has been known to be up to no good too 

So, we are up to date... now let's add A LOT OF new names to the list!! 

Harley Race smokes... no shocker there. Terry Funk, Gene Kiniski, George "The Animal" Steele, and Ray Stevens have all been spotted. 

Road Warrior Hawk smokes. Jack Brisco used to smoke, but has since quit. 

The Iron Shiek was once spotted POUNDING the butts in an airport. 

Michael P.S. Dok Hendrix Freebird Hayes is a butt fiend (and he likes to smoke too.. BA-DUM DUM) 

Ted DiBiase smokes? HELL YEAH!! 

The late Adrian Adonis and Dan Spivey smoked and smokes 

Old school WWF jobber Baron Miquel Sicluna enjoys a nice pipe. 

Former 411 writer Dave Gagnon saw Sid Vicious/Justice smoking and pounding donuts in Montreal a few years back. 

Now this is startling.. CHRIS BENOIT CHAINSMOKES??? NO WAY!!! 

I got another report of Rob Van Dam enjoying the mary jane... on this occasion he was joined by Sabu. During an Australian tour last year, Road Dog told AN INTERVIEWER about how he Bob Holly and Steve Blackman shared some doobage on a road trip. 

Well, here's something positive... Terri Runnels... or whatever her last name is these days is a staunch ANTI-SMOKER and WILL lecture you on your disgusting habit if she smells it on you, or spots you smoking. That's nice. 

Benoit? WOW... rumor has it, Scooter Keith just bought a carton of Pall Malls in Canadian Unity. 

Remember... I'm counting on YOU to keep me informed of who's doing what and why and how much and, most importantly, how f-ed up they are. 


With so much space devoted to the Rick's lovelife this week... I'll make this quick. 

No Torch Newsletter this week... since Keller wasn't doing much bragging about it anyway, I'm assuming this is an off week. 

But, as far as the Torch V.I.P. e-mail to ONLY newsletter subscribers go... don't waste your time. Unless you REALLY need to know what Pat McNeil thought of Smackdown. I'd go so far as to call it a rip-off, but it's free. Just don't get the Newsletter in order of having access to it. For Christ sakes. 

Of course, Wade's BIG selling point is Bruce Mitchell's "Mojo" Mop-Up for BOTH shows now. Let me explain something to you guys. When I did the Mop-Ups, I needed a full day to do a column worth anything. Even if I could type 100 words per minute, I needed the time to make every lame Patterson joke as potent as I could. These guys who hand in "funny" recaps ten seconds after the show ends... they're not even trying (or, in the case of someone like Scooter, they are convinced that they actually possess a sense of humor). 

What I'm saying is... take it from me... I don't care if you're Robin F-Ing Williams or Jerry Seinfeld or Howard Stern... it takes effort to be funny. People who produce "hilarious" recaps as soon as the shows end are full of bullshit. Or they have old Mop-Ups on their desks and are just using my stuff. 

Mitchell can be funny, he's also a good writer... but those Mojo recaps are wastes. 

By the way, one of Scaia's writers called Mitchell "the most illiterate pre-teen at the Torch"... Mitchell is in his 30's and spends his days as a school teacher... which probably means he is more ahead in life then YOU are, stupid. Try to learn SOMETHING about the guy you are bashing. 


I realize many, MANY people are horrified by the whole necrophilia angle but this is, by far, the best commentary on the matter that I have read. Simple, direct, and to the point. 

But, can he bang a stiff? 

So the WWeeeeee goes out and hires future liver recipient Big Poppa Pumped Full of Roids. He can talk, but barely walk. 

I can just imagine Steiner and Cripple HGH having graveyard orgies while Ross tried and sells it as cutting edge entertainment. Maybe they can have a dream sequence set in the future when both are in wheelchairs, battling for the hottest corpse at Hollywood's Forest Lawn. 

The WWeeee has just about crapped out is signing ready made stars. They inquired twice about a star in another country, but that star didn't mark out for the soap opera fed. 

Their developmental guys are soooo far away. Cena got another facefull of ass on the overseas tour Thursday night. 

The future head of a publicly traded company goes on Stern and admits she's up for a sphincter invasion by her boyfriend. 

Nice honesty-but not what stockholders want to hear. 

Especially when they've already taken it up the ass from Vince, as the stock has lost 2/3's of it's original value. 

Wrestlers on both brands are bitching about payoffs. Rey Jr is one of the few that's happy as he's making $$$ on merch. 

Kevin Dunn, a morbidly obese company man, watches the soaps and then transfers the most radical ideas to the shows. Unfortunately what works with trained actors in storylines aimed at housefraus, doesn't work with wrestlers acting for 15-19 year olds. 

What a mess. 

Yeah I know-Barnett, say something positive. 


This sucks. 

Bob Barnett. He can usually be found here. 


Over at 1wrestling, a pair of items caught my eye. Both of them displayed the inherent personalities of the two chief muckety mucks, Dave Scherer and Bob Ryder. 

First up is Dave, from the site's usually very good (gotta admit it, although they don't have the mighty LETAWSKI like we do!) Ask1wrestling section. 

The question asked was why the WWE has a Media ban. here's what Dave had to say: 

I would love to ask WWE what the Media Ban is all about, but they won't answer because of, well, the Media Ban! Seriously, yes the timing was very curious. I can tell you that many in the Toronto wrestling media felt used by WWE since they gave the company huge press leading up to Mania, and then were kicked to the curb with the rest of us after they got what they needed for their biggest show of the year. 

All the ban really is for WWE is a way to cut off access to wrestling reporters who know what they are talking about whose questions the company doesn't want to answer. WWE has done this in the past but this time, they said they did it because we were, in essence, untrustworthy. 

These bans always coincides with the company going into bad times. I feel the company saw that they were sliding and they used the ban as a way to cut off reporters so that they wouldn't have to answer hard questions. It's easy to send Jim Ross on a conference call when ratings are high and everything is selling out. But, when business falters, WWE has always been a company that tries to control how things will be reported and when things started sliding, they couldn't do that anymore. 

As of right now, WWE has something of a bunker mentality and an adversarial attitude where the wrestling press is concerned. It's obvious with the shots that they take at us in places like the Ross Report, in some of the commentary and in promos like the on Triple H did this week. I don't see them suddenly making nice with us, but I would guess they will be very accommodating to the mainstream media (who don't know what question to ask and cover it more as fluff than substance) when it comes time to help them push Mania in Seattle. 

Frankly, the ban has had a minimal affect on us. The only thing we no longer get are the monthly conference calls, access to interviews on our own and any cooperation from the office. They also used to give us TV ratings but once those numbers sliding, that stopped as well (which is probably another reason for the ban). They haven't impeded me from being able to do my job one bit. 

LOVE it when Dave tries to play the Hero.. FIGHTING the good fight to get the INSIDE SCOOP on the business... against IMPOSSIBLE odds. Fight on, Brother Scherer... FIGHT FOR ALL OF US!! FIGHT FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T FIGHT BACK AND SHINE THE LIGHT OF TRUTH!!! 

Next up is Bob Ryder. Who commented on the necrophilia angle: 

History has a way of repeating itself, and the WWE appears to be well on it's way to presenting the kind of sleazy show that helped them win the Monday Night Wars. The sleaze will probably boost the ratings, but this time there might not be much of a core audience left when it's all over. 

But on a lighter note....the corpse carried Triple H to his best match in years. 

Now that may be the funniest thing the man had ever said. No joke. Thank GOD he pointed out it was on "a lighter note"... probably saved himself from a billion e-mails screaming, "HEY!!! YOU SUCK!!" 

Eh, who am I kidding... I'm sure he STILL gets a billion e-mails like that. 

In other news... Alexa says 411 is pulling away from EVERYONE... and some people are starting to PANIC!! 


From 411's new Movie Section!!!. Which is turning out to be WILDLY convenient for me... (although why put a Scooter "Oz" DVD "Smark" review in there... which sort of ruins the entire IDEA of the site, is beyond me... but Scooter needs to be kept happy... unlike me, who usually asks for nothing.... except love and respect (Ashish called me an idiot last week... which is as close as it gets. Widro and I usually have nothing to say to each other if it doesn't involve complaining about other 411 writers.) 

Here's the top movies... reviews are hyperlinked for easy access: 

1) Jackass: The Movie: $22.7 million ($22.7 million). GOOD!! The movie is what it is and what it is AWESOME. 

2) The Ring: $18.8 million ($39.7 million). Watch a videotape and you die a week later. So long as it's gay porn, I'll STILL watch it! (F-It, I had a good run) 

3) Ghost Ship: $11.7 million ($11.7 million) Starring Clooney's E.R. girlfriend. In a couple of years, she'll be starring in the flick Ghost Career 

4) Sweet Home Alabama: $6.4 million ($107.2 million). Every decade needs a Julia Roberts-like star... here ya' go. 

5) My Big Fat Greek Wedding: $6.3 million ($177.8 million). The amazing thing is... there is no 411 review of this movie yet... it's only the biggest shock hit since Blair Witch. No, we get Scooter talking about prison sex. 

Meanwhile, Punch Drunk-Love continues Paul Thomas Anderson's career. He annoys me to NO end... a pretentious flake... he's Rick Scaia with success and adoration. 

What the hell happened to Abandoned? Jesus, I want to do Katie Holmes so hard. I can't WAIT for her full frontal sex scene... the girl's a player... she'll do it soon enough. 

While I'm on the subject, let's sashay nicely into a brand new feature that will surprise everyone, especially the author... 


This week, Flea reviews Jackass: The Movie 

If you liked the TV show, you'll like this. 

Flea: The Internet's version of Rex Reed. 

Good Lord. 


Jesse Baker has another Midnight News Comic Book Report. Since no one complained the first time I ran this, he gets another dance. (And since this is MY column, I'm the only complainer I'm going to listen too... unless Trish Stratus decides to talk to me again to specifically tell me to lose the kid, then it's gone) 


Savage Larsen Part 1 

On his official website Erik Larsen gave his two cents on the Neil Gaiman/Todd McFarlane lawsuit. Erik has been an extremely vocal supporter of Todd, going as far as becoming Todd’s de facto cheerleader in terms of defending Todd during the whole sordid ordeal. You can read his comments here and bask in Erik attempting to paint Neil as the bad guy and Todd as the poor victim in the entire feud, or read the following exert: 

From what I've been told, Neil wanted his DC contract matched and he lied about what was on that contract in order to get more than he deserved in terms of both money and ownership (contrary to what Neil might have you believe, if you "create" medieval Batman at DC comics you don't get to own it IN ANY WAY--not even a tiny percentage). THIS was why Todd backed out of the Miracleman trade--he found out that Neil's contract would NOT have given him any partial ownership of "derivative characters”. Todd was lied to. 

Savage Larsen Part 2 

For those who’ve always complained that Savage Dragon is so complicated and convoluted with its numerous storylines and casts of hundreds, Erik Larsen has FINALLY decided to put together an “Idiots guide to the Savage Dragon” in the form of the “Savage Dragon Companion”. 64 pages long, the Companion gives out a detailed synopsis of the Savage Dragon series up through the recently published issue #100 and biographies for most of the major characters. Best of all it’s $3, which is quite a deal given how most books similar to this are given $5-$12 price tags by their publishers. 

Savage Larsen Part 3 

Larsen has also stated that he plans to collect Savage Dragon #76-81 into a Trade Paperback entitled “The Savage World”. Marvel at the beginning of a highly masturbatory two year storyline that was supposed to bring in new readers and boost sales but instead made them go down even further than they were before! 

Spiderman Relaunch postponed 

Marvel’s big Spiderman reboot, originally planned for the beginning of 2003 has been delayed until the summer of 2003 do to various scheduling difficulties. J. Michael Straczynski and Kevin Smith have informed Marvel (who plans to make the Spiderman titles the centerpiece of their much hyped “18 Issues a Year” scheduling plan that they wanting to put into effect in 2003) that do to various Hollywood projects that they are currently working on, they need some extra time in order to get their scripts written, as Marvel has informed the two that they have to have a certain number of scripts submitted before Marvel will start soliciting and promoting the relaunch. Further complicating things is Paul Jenkins, who is set to helm the relaunched “The Spectacular Spiderman” ongoing, has decided to use the delays in Smith and JMS’s schedules to take a break from writing to marry his longtime girlfriend and take an extended honeymoon while Smith and JMS get their books in order. 

The current shoot date for the relaunch is summer 2003 with the following writing scorecard for the books: 

Amazing Spiderman (unclear at the moment if it will be rebooted with a new #1 or continue with the current numbering: Kevin Smith 

Spiderman (new title): JMS 

The Spectacular Spiderman (new title): Paul Jenkins 

Meanwhile, Marvel has given Peter Parker: Spiderman (Jenkins’ old Spiderman title, which was set to be canceled by Marvel as of issue #50 in order to make room for the revived Spectacular Spiderman book) will continue publication with Zeb Wells (who wrote the slanderously anti-MTV Peter Parker: Spiderman #42-43, which had a mentally unbalanced Sandman eating up Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Mariah Carey in order to stop them from singing) as the book’s writer. Wells is currently signed to do nine issues of PP:SM, though that could possibly change if sales for his issues are good. 

Jesse Baker. He's such a nice kid. I tell him to go away on AIM and he goes without even saying goodbye. Very polite too. He pays proper respect to the King of the Net 


Pat Brower blows through 

Velocity, Eric Stibbons burns through Confidential, and Chris Pankonin blitzes through Heat. I'd say more but... I just don't care right now. (not that apathy ever stopped me BEFORE) Meanwhile, Brad Jennette must really be dead. 

Tom Daniels mashes into another Week of Wrestling. 

Not one, but TWO Smarks show up, one here and one there. Double the Scooter brown nosing! 

I'll save what I was going to do this week for next and wrap things up nice with another check-in with the Man They Call Honk... 


He's here, he's mouthy, and he knows what's right, what's wrong and isn't afraid to say it. Try it for a month it's only $5. He also does shoot interviews and holds chats all the time. 

Word got around last week that Jerry Lawler posted ANOTHER update on his site... Honky wasted little time jumping all over it: 

Lawler states: 

"on to North Carolina. I got over here at about 9:30am and had to be in a lawyer's office at 10. I was through with what I had to do by 11:30am and the whole thing was pretty much a wasted trip. My flight home is not until 7:30pm so I am just killing time until then. I may tell you all about this crazy North Carolina legal situation someday, but right now it's too stupid to even talk about." 

HTM's Take: Wish we had the scoop on this one. You legal minds should know how to come up with something that is going on in the North Carolina legal dealings. 

This guy has spent a fortune on lawyers during the span of his career. And those commentaries that seem to show up all over the net where he cries over his long lost tramp and the time he packs his bags, what time he leaves home, what time the fucking softball game is, come on, shut the F up! 

And here, Honky gets even with a promoter and is in full crow!!: 

Tom "Shithead" Lance the notorious check bouncing Texas promoter finally got f*cked back by yours truly. Yep, HTM got this f*ck. I was within 6 days of the expiration date of the bad check this sorry asshole gave me back in May. I have carried it to the bank diligently every week since it bounced. Every week they told me he didn't have enough to cover it. Yesterday 10/24 I sent my son to the bank with that stinking, sorry assed crumbled up check. He said, "Hell dad that damn thing isn't any good, I've carried it a dozen times." I told him I just had a feeling about it and we had one last shot, try it again and if you cash it you can keep the $247.00. Low and behold he came back and said it was cashed. I thought he was kidding, since he likes to play around with me, but he pulled the wad out of his pocket and said, "What do you want me to do with this?" I said keep it, it's yours, just give me enough for a 12 pack of Grolsch! 

Last words to you Lance, F*ck you and the horse you rode in on you sorry son of a bitch. And by the way, we still have a hold on your Texas bond. You can't get another one and you can't run anymore shows you piece of dog shit. 

Grolsch? That sewage? Yeesh! 

Okay... I'm leaving. The 411 All-Stars carry your sorry asses through the week. Then I come back... probably with a few e-mails... just a guess. 

If you learned ANYTHING this week, learn this: The Clit is your FRIEND, people. Your FRIEND!!! Be nice to it, and it will even SMILE. Ignore it and... well... douchebags like me end up hearing about it. 

This is Hyatte