The Midnight News 11.04.02 

Posted By Hyatte on 11.04.02

Smackdown, Steph, Syxx-Pac, Lots of News, I Just Lied, Movie Quotes, Missy, Web Guys, Getting Screwed by the Sheets, Heyman, I Get Analyzed, Widro, Comics, and What To Play When Getting Your Freak On 

Are you *trying* to get booted off the site? That's a little worse than posting someone's phone number isn't it? Good lord. I thought even you had limits. 


Well, I DID stop it before he gave up some cybersex. 

God damn Hyatte, That was absolutely, the most wicked thing I have ever read. I wish you could have posted more of the conversations The Rick had with Nicola. How sad and depressing it is to see that the guy is so damn pathetic. Ive always beleived that if you have a way with words, you could have your way with women. Its basically messing with them on a psychological level: you grab them with your wit, and will them with you thoughts. If The Rick had any talent for writing, things probably wouldnt have goen the way they did. But this, once and for all proves exactly just how lame the guy is. 


Having confidence helps too... and for my low self steemy friends out there, faking confidence works just as well. Keep your butt nice and clean is a big plus too... beware the dreaded wet farts. One misplaced finger and WHAM... she's running for her car. 

What is it with you wrestling writers and your stupid fueds? It's pathetic. It's one thing if you go to Scaia's house or Keith's house and beat them up. But to do shit to them over the Internet is just sad. This is why we have an Internet: so people like you can have silly fueds. You're a grown man; you should act like it. Plus, you give men a bad name. 

Messing with someone's head when you don't even know them is pathetic. I seriously doubt you and Scaia or you and Keith used to be best friends. But physical violence is cool, because it at least shows your man enough to back up all your talk. It takes no guts to ask some chick to con someone into falling in love. However, actually beating the shit out of someone is much different. You act like a14-year old boy who thinks he "the man." I bet you're older than I am, yet you have no maturity. By the way, your stunt with Scaia was just sad. You weren't even man enough to push it to its limits. You put out this macho attitude, but apparently you're a pussy. 

P.S. Have YOU ever seen a clit (and I don't mean Jenna Jameson's)? 

Ryan LaRoche 

Yes, physical violence is the "mature" way to go. Much more COOLER too. 

I should note that this guy goes to UMass, so I invited him to meet me somewhere to show me how physical force is what grown-ups do... he pussied out. 

Yes, I've seen clits before. I did have a Mother, you know. 

Besides, there is no challenge in physical violence when I CAN BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ANYONE!!!! 

You know, you had like eight references to anal sex in(last week's) column. 

Jeremy Henderson 

No kidding? Eh... it's a gift. 

I'm Chris and this is the News. Let's go. 


You know.... first off.... let me tell ya' somethin... 

This isn't news. It's my opinion. Why the f*ck are you here if you want NEWS? F*cking loser. 

I don't watch Smackdown much. Sorry... Thursdays are all about Survivor, CSI, and the newly revitalized E.R., and I can't watch Raw because the sight of Trish Stratus just breaks my heart... ahh what could have been... what could have been. 


Anyway, I watched a little Smackdown on Thursday and... I think I have an idea (shaddup) why people seem to think it's the superior show these days. 

Sure, the rasslin' is superb, and the writing is standard Heyman (even the crap is oddly watchable), but what caught me about the show is how much FUN the rasslers seem to be having. There is an electricity to Smackdown that I could literally feel, even just sitting at home in a pile of Taco Bell wrappers with a bedsheet wrapped around my waist and drops of hot sauce congealing in my chest hair. Even with my time occupied by beating the shit out of my bird with a broom because HE WON'T STOP SCREAMING!! WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU F-ING PARROT!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!! I SWEAR TO CHRIST I'LL KILL YOU!! 

Anywhoo, the wrestlers on Smackdown are smiling wide and having the time of their lives. I imagine the moral backstage must be very high. Anyone who says that doesn't contribute to in-ring productivity is a moron. 

Maybe I'm just nuts. Maybe I'm just an idiot who can't recognize two days worth of post-production polishing and piped in cheers. Maybe all these message board kids are right and I... the smartest guy on the web... am wrong. Maybe everyone's just happy to be out of the shadow of Triple H, who is making life MISERABLE for everyone at Raw. Maybe I should just step in front of a train and f*cking end it all. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST END IT ALL RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!! THIS IS WRESTLING... THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!!! 



Lame, lame, LAME title. 

Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you about how many connections I have in the business, because I'm afraid doing that would make God punish me by turning me into a fat Canadian with three chins, a 1970's style TV anchorman's haircut, and a penchant for posing for my lousy, unreadable, completely unnecessary book backcovers with a dirty t-shirt and a scummy two day old growth of beard. (Yeah, I'll stick with Taco Bell, the bedsheet, and the hot sauce stains on my chest... and by "hot sauce", I mean REAL hot sauce, not a euphemism for semen... *cough). Besides, I really don't HAVE any connections, and that suits me just fine. 

BUT... in his recent, and apparently ENDLESS interview with Wade Keller for the Torch Newsletter, Sean Waltman has joined the list of EVERYONE in the business that I have exchanged brief words with that Stephanie McMahon, despite what most of you buttpirates literally SCREAM, is actually a nice, stand-up gal who really does listen to complaints and is always straight up with the workers. From ALL, and I mean ALL accounts now, Steph'll look you in the eye and be respectful. She really is NOT the prima-donna Daddy's little princess everyone makes her out to be. 

FURTHERMORE... Vince is the ULTIMATE boss and all decisions must be approved by him before they see the light of day. 

PLUS... she hates black people. 

AND Jews 

So there you go. Of course, none of this stops her from being the single worst actress to ever show up on screen since Pia Zadora. The very sight of Steph on TV makes James Lipton RUN, not walk to the nearest bottle of Scotch and drink himself into a bloody raging stupor until he starts running down Broadway without his shirt screaming, "THAT SILLY LITTLE BITCH IS WHY STELLA ADLER DIED!! STELLA KNEW, DAMMIT!! STELLA KNEW STEPHANIE MCMAHON WAS THE ANTICHRIST OF MODERN DAY THEATRE!!!" 

In other news, Walt-Pac told Wade that NO ONE, and he means NO ONE respects Brian Gewirtz. Vince only keeps him around because the kid has no life outside the business and is the only one willing to put in the time and hours that Vince demands. (Well, Scooter Keith would too... for HALF of Gerwirtz's salary... AND in Canadian dollars... but the WWE don't want him.) 


Just kidding, I have nothing... and my phone is shitting out on me, so I can hardly get online and look shit up. You're stuck with what I have. Go away if you don't like it. 

Here's some news... NASH IS GOD!! Thank you. 

Oh, here's some news... Stacey and Test's "Testicle" gimmick has potential to be HILARIOUS... 

Picture this, Stacey getting in the ring, going on mic and saying stuff like: 

"I will kiss the biggest testicle in this place!" 

"Let me see all the testicles in here!!" 

"I LOVE My testicles!!" 

Come on... this is a goddam GOLDMINE!! 

That ends most of my news. You're now stuck with my awesome personality, killer charisma, and OUTRAGEOUS humor!! 

Oh, and some movie lines... like THESE: 


You know... since the dawn of cinema there have been what... millions and millions and MILLIONS of movies made? Maybe close to a BILLION? Maybe? 

So WHY... for the love of F*CKING CHRIST... am I CONSTANTLY getting the "You sucked 37 DICKS?" line from Clerks? Are you people SUCH the stereotypical fanboys (and girls) that YOU NEVER WATCHED ANYTHING BUT KEVIN F-ING SMITH MOVIES? 

F*CK KEVIN SMITH!! You people... what the f*ck. The guy supports Ben Affleck... maybe the single BEST representative of every bad stereotype that makes up a Hollywood celebrity. He wears a wig, he mugs in his roles, he's probably a homo, he thinks he's an authority on EVERYTHING, and he's a beard for J-Lo. The man will ruin Daredevil next February. He will be worse than Dolph Lungren's Punisher. Him and Kevin Smith can both die, die, DIE... and take Scooter with them too. 

So, I get it... You sucked 37 dicks??... great, hilarious, WONDERFUL, LMMFAOROTMFF2002... MOVE ON, LOSERS!!! 


Jesus H. 

1) I'm the Anti-Christ. You get me in a vendetta kind of mood, you tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you.- True Romance 


2) Nah nah - George Jefferson hated white guys, UNLESS they had money for him. If they had money, he'd be like, "WEE-ZEE, FIX'EM A PLATE!" - CB4 

3) I wanna see more of you in the lab 

Fine, I'll gain weight- Real Genius 

4) I got three dollars says I can do five push-ups- Stripes 

5) I don't deserve this. I just built a house 

Deserve ain't got nothing to do with this. 

I'll see you in hell, Bill Munny 

(clicks back shotgun barrel) Yeah.- Unforgiven 

6) Lies, mistrust, deceit. This is starting to turn into a real marriage!-Face/Off 

7) I didn't say that. No sir, there are thousands of Indians down there. But this ain't the Washita River General, and them ain't helpless women and children. They're Cheyenne brave and Sioux. And when they get done with you there won't be nothin' left but a greasy spot. So you go down there if you got the nerve.- Little Big Man 

8) You know the worst part of being you, Hunt? Smiling like a fucking idiot every two minutes- Mission Impossible 2 

9) You want justice, go to a whore house. You wanna get fucked, go to court!- Primal Fear 

10) Point I'm trying to make is to be yourself. People don't like you if you are being yourself? Fuck em! Fuck em against the wall with handcuffs on and crazy glue on their lips!! 

Words to live by. 

Live by em, son.- House Party 3 

11) That girl was what? A freshman? 

She read at a sophomore level- Van Wilder 

12) Hey man, can I get one of those? (asking for a backstage pass) 

Not without a sex change and a blowjob- Rock Star 

13) Your name is Chance? 

Yeah, well, my momma took one.- Hard Target 

14) You shouldn’t cook when you’re drunk- Raw Deal 

15) The Sky by John Wayne. The sky is blue, the grass is green. Now get off your butt and go join the Marines- John Wayne on Laugh In 

16) At some point we must all pay for what we do. You pay now.- An Ideal Husband 

17) A hospital? What is it? 

It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.- Airplane! 

18) Well, Nukes scared, 'cause his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster?.... we need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present. That about right? We're dealing with a lot of shit.- Bull Durham 

19) How many husbands have you had? 

Mine or other women's? 




Yes, five! Husbands should be like Kleenex - soft, strong and disposable. 

You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies! 

Flies are where men are most vulnerable! 

That's right!- Clue 

20) Ho ho ho. Patel? Ravadam Patel? What, what, how am I gonna make a living on these deadbeats? Where’d you get this from, a morgue? 

Look, I’m… 

Oh come on, what’s the point? What’s the fuckin’ point in any case? I gotta argue with you. I gotta knock heads with the cops. I’m bustin’ my balls sell your dirt to deadbeats. Money in the mattress. I, I come back, you can’t even keep the contracts safe. I gotta go out an close… Fuck this shit. I’m gonna go out and re-close last week's stuff. 

No, no, no. The word from, Murray is, leave ‘em alone. He needs a new sit he’ll go out himself. 

Murray's gonna go out? 

Yeah, he’ll be the president of the company just come in from out of town. All right? 

Okay, okay, okay. Give me this shit. 

I’m givin’ you three leads. 

Three? No, I count two, John. 

There’s three leads there. 

Patel? Fuck you. Fuckin’ Shiva handed this guy a million dollars, told him sign the deal, he wouldn’t sign. And the god Vishnu too and… Fuck you John. You know your business. I know mine. Your business is being an asshole. I find out whose fuckin’ cousin you are, I’m gonna go to him and figure out a way to have your ass. Fuck you. I’m waitin’ for the new leads.- Glengary Glenn Ross 

Glengary Glenn Ross... written by David Mamet. DAVID MAMET!!! NOT KEVIN F-ING SMITH!!! OKAY??? OKAY??? 

That last one was for ME... it's my antidote for all this Kevin Smith shit. I needed to get the taste of 37 dicks out of my mouth. 



I don't know WHY I'm doing this... Missy hasn't agreed to give my yank a pull as payment for the plug. But what the hell... go here to this... professionally built site (*snort)... to pay for a ticket that might get you a weekend in Reno with Missy. What? You afraid of a little herpes? Pussy! Plus, the site FINALLY added ACTUAL BUTTONS so people can click and... you know... ORDER themselves a ticket to enter the damn thing! Way to go! Only took two weeks too! 

But the REAL interesting stuff comes from Missy's Vixxxens webpage... where all sorts of shit has been going down (heh... Hyatte breaks out the PUNS!) and a civil WAR has broken out over the past month. 

Now, Monday nights at the Vixxxen chat boards is usually Missy's night... but a few weeks ago, it was Tammy and a couple of the others who worked the chat... and they were very pissed at Missy. Tammy began talking about how they are going to overhaul the site and make it into a totally new one with ALL of the girls... EXCEPT for, as Tammy called her, "one crazy crackwhore"! To emphasize her point, Tammy ran down the list of girls who would be part of the new site... and left out Missy. 

The rest of the chat was spent tell everyone who showed up how all the problems with the site, as well as the dwindling membership of the fans, all falls squarely on the shoulders of the site's owner... MISSY. She's to blame for EVERYTHING! She ignores suggestions, dismisses the youngsters, and treats everyone like dog poop. One of the girls said that if was the WWE, Missy would be Triple H!!! (My God!!! That's BRUTAL!!!) Basically, the message they sent was clear: THE WRESTLING VIXXXENS SITE THAT WE KNOW AND LOVE WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!! Dear God no! 

But don't pull a Kurt Cobain just yet! Cut to a week later... an agreement had been reached with Missy and Tammy and the girls would be staying on! Everything was the same and all was right in the world. 

Except, Missy was banned from ANY group Vixxxens shoots for the foreseeable future... Tammy had banned her from one the previous week, which made Missy skip the chat, which made everyone go off on her, wich made this little crisis a reality. 

And, as far as I can tell, the only reason WHY they reached an agreement was because Missy wouldn't let the site's OTHER owner have his laptop back... or something like that. I swear, this is all true. 

Anyway, everything was back to normal... but WHAT HAPPENED? My "Inside" Vixxxens source wouldn't say. He knew there was something deeper t this story, but didn't know, or refused to say, what it was. So I took a shot and asked a couple of other people... just out of curiosity. I had a feeling this was a whacked out story. 

Well, this is what I got... it seems that Missy had given Tammy some "ecstasy" without Missy knowing. It was made clear to me that Missy enjoys doing things like that... (which, in all honesty, gives me a MAJOR erection of epic proportions... but that's just me) and considers it a harmless joke. 

Well, Tammy wasn't laughing. I guess she had a bad reaction to it. There might have been a trip to the hospital from this... I'm not sure. In either case, Tammy wanted Missy's chooch cut off for the act... and the other girls sided with her. So that's what happened. 

What makes me laugh is I keep thinking back to Missy's appearance on A Current Affair about ten years ago where she played the innocent ingenue who was HORRIFIED AND DISGUSTED with WCW for taking a blow-up photo of her in the ring with her nipple exposed and hanging it on an office wall. Girl knew how to milk that lawsuit for all it was worth, by God! 

I realize this isn't really NEWS, news... but you know what... WHO CARES? 

And now that's TWICE I helped send people to the sexlotto site to give you money, Missy... where's my REWARD??? Let's go already! Jesus. Ryder and Scherer ain't exactly chatting you up like this, you know! 


Two columns ago (that would be three weeks back), I asked for people to write to me and bitch about getting royally F*CKED by these newsletters. I am doing this to prove just how willing web people are to cater to these unprofessionals and forgive them for treating the audience like shit. Pack of drones.... SHEEP... all of yous. 

Anyway, here's the first BIG time example of how the dirt sheets F*CK you: 


About 4 years ago the only avenue for me to get tapes of ECW, etc... was from RF Video. They ran ads in the "PWI" mags, so I ordered from the ads. needless to say they sent me the tapes, as well as a catalog. in that catalog was an order sheet for the Wrestling Observer. Now mind you, this was for me before that tried and true "internet smart-dom" period, so i decided to subscribe to the Observer through the RF catalog. the price was f*cking ridiclous; like 30-40 bucks for 8 issues, but I subscribed anyways..... 

Now, you may be expecting me to say that I got my issues late, or I missed an issue..... but here is the case 

I NEVER GOT ANY ISSUES.... I don't know if it was a problem with RF Video f*cking up and not sending the check to Meltzer, or Meltzer just plain taking my 

money, but I sent them money, and got nothing in return..... 

Now, I'm not sending you this as a plea to get my money back; I'm over the loss of cash; in fact, I later got internet access, and truly believe that print newsletters don't mean shit in this computer world, and I was thankful to view writers like you who were giving me entertainment FOR FREE... but I figured I'd share that with you as a testimonial as to 

how newsletters f*ck the kids over 

thanks for reading, 

Joseph w 

This isn't the ONLY complaint about the Observer... someone tried to order ME the Newsletter as a gift for years of free service (on the NET, homos... I didn't blow the guy) and never heard from Meltzer. 

The hell, Meltzer... what an douchebag. What a scrub. GIVE THE GUY HIS MONEY BACK, MELTZER!! YOU CHEAP ASS SCUMBAG!! 

Every week he promotes his newsletter by saying "We've got" this and "We've also got" that... what he should REALLY say, if he wanted to be honest, is "We've got YOUR MONEY AND MAYBE, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, WE'LL SEND YOU SOMETHING!! IF WE DON'T, YOUR PROBLEM, NOT OURS!!!" 

Meanwhile, not only has the Torch Newsletter arrived ON TIME last week... but every issue they MISSED has been sent to me in a giant bundle. That's all I ask... as a subscriber... to have the item THAT I PAID FOR arrive in a timely fashion EVERY WEEK. 

So, it seems to be the Torch Newsletter is the SUPERIOR Dirt Sheet around... and Wade Keller is the one who TTRIES HIS DAMNDEST to be a professional. I STRONGLY recommend that if you are going to get the sheets, get the TORCH NEWSLETTER... Dave Meltzer is a fiend, a hack, and will HAPPILY F*CK you up the ass without ANY lube. You want my opinion, there you go... Meltzer cannot be trusted... Keller at least tries to EARN your repeat business. 

Now watch next week as I find a reason to turn it all around. But at least I'm open about it. 

If YOU have a newsletter bitchfest you want to unload, and if you have the BALLS to go up against big, bad, scary Dave Meltzer or Wade Keller (yeesh...get a CLUE, kids) let me know 


While digging through my closet looking for... well, what the f*ck business is it of YOURS what I'm looking for?? Piss off. 

Anywhoo... I found an old, old OLD book of Dave Letterman Top Ten Lists from his NBC Late Night days. So, I figured f-it... let's run a couple: 


10. Having to cross I-95 

09. Being mistaken for Shelley Duvall 

08. Hopping induces vertigo 

07. All the red tape involved in getting a liquor license 

06. Finding out your date is just a furry pink house slipper 

05. Can't we get someone bigger than Bob Barker as an anti-fur spokesman? 

04. Drunken phone calls from Santa reminding you that the kids really love him 

03. When the Gambinos won't give you a lousy week to come up with the cash 

02. Jewish kids who own BB guns 

01. Ticks in your fur the size of jelly beans 


10. Put finger in cheek; make cork-popping sound 

09. Pretend to "sweep up" spotlight on floor 

08. Say "Nighty-night" and put head on desk 

07. Reveal which news stories of the evening was the fake one 

06. Lick lips and say, "Mmm-mmm, time for pie 

05. Give coded message to "Li'l Newshounds" fan club 

04. Wink and say, "Pour the gin, Lydia, I'm on my way home." 

03. Hurl sweat-soaked scarf to female fans 

02. Light big cigar and say, "Ha-ha! See you tomorrow, suckers!" 

01. Feed carrot to CBS News bunny 

I should've made a huge presentation out of this... but naaaah. 

Dave rules. Dave ruled yesterday, Dave rules today, Dave will rule tomorrow. Leno can eat poop and die. 


Well, the Rick did probably the wisest thing by biting the leather and taking the hit as quietly as possible. But anyone with half a brain could see that his updates last week were CLEARLY from a pissed off, humiliated guy trying real, REAL hard to pretend that everything was normal... and not doing a very good job of it. 

Nicola Sixx told me that last week, she received one hang up after answering her cell phone. It was a first for her. She doesn't think it's a coincidence. Hey Rick, welcome to Dumpsville... population: YOU! HA!! 

Now, CRZ once again opened his mouth and LIED his ass off about whether it really was the Rick. He claims that the phone number I claimed to have wasn't Rick's. It should be noted that this isn't the first time Zimmerman defended his buttbuddy with such a dumb ass lie... 

How do I know the number is real and the "Rick" the girl targeted was the real Scaia? Well, if YOU REALLY AND TRULY want to think that there could be someone out there named "Rick Scaia" who has decided to IMPERSONATE a internet WRESTLING writer on AIM AND over then phone... and one who JUST HAPPENS to live in the SAME EXACT STATE as the Rick... well, you go right ahead. Believe CRZ's unbelievable line of bullshit there. 

As far as the number goes... tell you what... click this and THEN decide. 

Meanwhile, I guess I should start calling this "My TWO Stooges" because CRZ has decided to quit this net thing, drive to New York, and drag his silly c*nt of a girlfriend back to California to live together... and probably get married. Seems that poor ol' Zim was getting more and more burnt on the net thing and decided to bail. 

Back when I considered him my FRIEND, he LOVED the net... then he decided to open his yap and talk shit about me to OTHER people... instead of taking it right to me where I MIGHT have listened. Stupid f*ck... he deserves every bit of stress I ever gave him. F*ck him AND f*ck his silly c*nt of a girlfriend. I'm sure I helped him decide that the net was no fun anymore. I'm sure I helped him decide to bail. Another one I helped chase away. He is keeping his weinerville board opened... let's hope his supporters don't spend the next three months speculating on when their "hero" will return... like the fans of Opie and Anthony are doing. 

Thing is... his site SKYROCKETED on Alexa... by tens of THOUSANDS of notches right as I started talking about him. Any popularity his site had is because of me. You REALLY think that 10 year old "There's so and so... and he's WALKING" gimmick of his was bringing them in droves? Of course not. It was because of me. 

So of course, he thanks Scaia for the love. Man... the day any one of these motherless f*cks actually have the balls to thank ME for making them interesting will be the day my head finally explodes in shock. 

So be a stranger, Zed... and good luck with the girlfriend... ho, HO! It actually should work out nicely... there's only one set of hairy balls in that relationship and the one with the tits has them. Jesus... JESUS, poor shmuck's gonna end up hanging himself with his own hair. 


Jeeze... seeing how I've been so rough on OTHER people, I decided to let someone break ME down for a change. I ain't afraid to admit that sometimes, Emperor Hyatte is wearing no clothes. 

I received this letter a few days ago. I'm sure the author was fairly sure I wouldn't post it: 

As I am an AIM profile junkie, I check everyone's profile seven times a day. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!!! As of 5:43 PM EST on October the 15th, Hyatte1com's profile reads -- 

"Please, please, PLEASE do not bother me with nonsense. Please, please, PLEASE do not bother me every time you see me on here. Please, please, PLEASE accept that sometimes I want to be left alone. Please, please, PLEASE love me. I am crying for human contact. I am a pitiful shell of a man. I am...I... I am weeping like a prison bitch." 

This profile sums up quite nicely the double edged sword that is fame, be it that of a movie star or the minuscule recognition that comes with being a Internet Wrestling Personality. In this profile, Chris Hyatte both admonishes his fans for harassing him online and cries out for their love and attention at the same time. He does this with his words and with the VERY FACT that he wrote them. 

Hyatte loves fame. He needs it, in whatever dose he can attain it. Writing for a wrestling web site is NOTHING. It is the equivalent of being an extra on Saved By The Bell, like one of those twin girls that was always freaking on, or that Moose guy...or was it Ox? Anyway, the same amount of people will walk down the street and say "hey, there's that fat girl Zack brought to the dance" as have Hyatte1com on their buddy list. Every fanboy who tries to converse, insult, or worship Hyatte is a tiny orgasm in his pants. 

But he is entitled to his privacy. He is entitled to sign on to AIM and talk with friends and family, meet girls who like naughty chat, etc. He should be able to sign on as Hyatte1com and not be harassed by idiot wrestling fans who want to know why the site's not working, or the Mop-Up isn't posted, or if he'll start a radio show with the Scotsman (PLEASE HAVE A RADIO SHOW WITH THE SCOTSMAN). No one should have such a lame life that they could devote large amounts of time to some web writer they don't even know...except for guys who just got fired four days ago and have a girlfriend but she's at work till F*CKING 8 O CLOCK...they're still cool. 

So why, then would Chris Hyatte even POST his AIM? Or at least not just make a secondary SN to use for "being Hyatte online"? Why use his one and only SN that all his real friends know as the SN 13 year old dorks and 30 year old virgins can contact him with? (I'm 22 and have a hot girlfriend so F*CK OFF) I mean, is Hyatte1com really only a special "Wrestling" SN and he actually expects not to get messaged by his readers when he uses it? 'Cause that would be GAY. So why? 

Because he's a sad, lonely man, like all those addicted to fame. Like all the has-beens who turn to Celebrity Boxing, or Boot Camp, he needs his limelight. That's why he came back after "dying"...that's why he encourages douchewads to write gay shit to him by posting them in his news reports (that's called enabling). Without some kind of daily reminder that he's special, he falls into a pit of lonliness and frustration. Because no matter how succesfull you are in at home, at work, or with women, none of it matters; unless some jerkwad, who spends half his days on Everquest and the other half on 411's message boards, knows your birthday. 

When is your birthday, Chris? When is it? 


Ian "Last Name Withheld On Request" 

Nevermind when my birthday is. 

He's right on all counts, other than the fact that I FULLY realize just what kind of loser ass "fame" I have here... which is to say WHAT FAME? How can I be addicted to fame if I never had any? It's like, how can someone be addicted to black penis in their mouth when they never had the pleasure? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!! 

Besides, black penis semen tastes like broccoli... it's really gross. 


As I referred to above, the endless Torch interview with Syxx-Pac rolls on... Keller asked da' Pac to dis anyone he feels like dissing.... and the subject of Paul Heyman came up. 

Walt-Pac revealed that Heyman, as brilliant as he may be, is essentially a king bullshitter and a dishonest individual and is "fooling no one" (well, DUH... that ponytail and hat combo is SO OBVIOUSLY a ruse to hide his bald, Ryder-level head.) He went on to say that Heyman is FAMOUS for talking shit behind people's back, for general lockeroom politicking, and for trading pushes for sexual favors.... to which Keller shouted (in ALL CAPS) "AHA!! SO THAT EXPLAINS DAWN MARIE!!!" (Kidding! I'm kidding!! I'm a jester! All lies and fibs!! No suing!) 

More to the point, and to cap off the topic, Keller and Waltman had this exchange: 

Keller: Are there people who defend Paul? Are there people who say: "No, no, none of this stuff is true. It's all blown out of proportion because Paul told me this and it made sense." 

Packed Sean: I never F***in' heard one. I've never heard one person defend him and say he is honest 

So far, this interview is tough to get through. Waltman swears a LOT and Wade seems hellbent on looking like an "insider" so Waltman will respect him. Still, the l'il guy ain't bullshitting. He's speaking his mind. 

Thought you could get this far without any "real" news? Thought it was all plugs and nonsense that you could skip through? HA!! HYATTE SCREWS YOU UP AGAIN!!! 


From 411's new Movie Section!!!. 

Here's the top movies... reviews are hyperlinked for easy access: 

1) The Santa Clause 2: - $29 million ($29 million). That's ten million more than what the first flick opened with. All I remember is how much Tim Allen used to bitch about putting on that fat suit and he SWORE he would never do a sequel until they rectified the discomfort. I'm sure they did... with TONS OF MONEY!!! 

2) The Ring: $18.5 million ($64.9 million). This is a hit... and from what I hear... it is one SCARY mothaf*ck 

3) I Spy: $14 million ($14 million). Jesus Christ... who's toe does Eddie Murphy have to blow in order to get another MONSTER hit flick? I say he should go back to stand-up and re-learn what made him funny. 

4) Jackass: The Movie : - $13.1 million ($42.5 million) Johnny Knoxville swears there won't be a sequel... JUST LIKE Tim Allen swore he would never put that damn fat suit on again. At least 411 got a review up. 

5) Ghost Ship: $6.57 million ($21.3 million) I have nothing to add... other than getting Leo to do that cameo as the ghost was really, REALLY cheesy. 

In other movie news... Melissa Milano has signed to star in the film Jack's Ass: The Movie. Ron Jeremy has agreed to do a cameo. 


Hyatte1com (5:05:07 PM): Widro, I have a complaint. 

Widro (5:05:10 PM): You? NO! 

Hyatte1com (5:05:21 PM): What's this headline in the newsboard about "Interesting Notes about Kevin Nash's desire to comeback in time for Wrestlemania"? 

Widro (5:05:35 PM): I know, I posted it. 

Hyatte1com (5:05:37 PM): Well jeeze, all it was was how Nash wanted to comeback in time for the big wrestlemania payday! Every wrestler wants to work WM. What's so newsworthy about that? It's not really news 

Widro (5:05:44 PM): It will draw 10'000 readers 

Hyatte1com (5:05:51 PM): But it doesn't belong in the newsline. It's NOTHING. 

Widro (5:06:35 PM): 10'000 readers will flock to it. 

Hyatte1com: (5:06:43 PM): BUT IT'S NOT NEWS!! 

Widro (5:07:36 PM): They are flocking to it as I speak 

Hyatte1com (5:07:49 PM): So, 411 is all about quantity and absolutely NOTHING about quality anymore? 

Widro (5:07:59 PM): Well, we let YOU continue to post, don't we? 

Hyatte1com (5:09:02 PM): HEY!!! I MADE THIS SITE AND YOU KNOW IT!!! 

Widro (5:09:35 PM): Oh look, Scooter just posted another retro rant. Gotta go read it! Seeya! 


About once a month or so, Jesse Baker will list the comics YOU should be reading. If you have any problems with that, you can e-mail him where he will happily tell you to go shove The Silver Surfer's surfboard up your ass. Baker ain't gonna put up with your fan boy ass. 

Bakers’ Dozen: 

GI Joe: The most consistently written of the current wave of 1980s Toy Nostalgia books, offers a lot of the fun of the Marvel GI Joe comic book without dumbing it down for new readers. 

New X-Men: For every hypocritical storyline Morrison writes (Cassandra Nova-Xavier and Dark Phoenix: The Sequel No One Wanted To See), he puts out two storylines that actually take the X-Men into a new direction (like the reopening the school with a huge student class instead of a small circle of students, the White Queen becoming second-in-command of the school, Xavier coming out of the closet as a mutant, and Jean Grey and Cyclops’ marriage falling apart). 

Uncanny X-Men: Chuck Austin provides X-Men readers with an alternative to Chris Claremont’s hack writing with Uncanny X-Men, which has its distinct early 1990s retro style. 

Peter Parker: Spider-Man: Forget Black Panther. Forget Spider-Girl. Forget Captain Marvel. This is the most underrated title currently being published by Marvel Comics. Paul Jenkins outdoes JMS and Brian Bendis in terms of his handling of Spiderman and it’s a crying shame that this book doesn’t get the respect that it deserves. 

Stormwatch: Team Achilles: Military humor, guys going around with big guns, and enough political cynicism to make you forget that Transmetropolitan has stopped publication. 

JSA: Multi-layered storylines, a group that is a mixture of veteran super-heroes, rookies, and a semi-reformed villain, complex subplots, and villains ranging from an H.P. Lovecraft-type Insect God, Alien Warlords, an evil sorcerer from beyond our reality, and the disembodied brain of an evil scientist who wants to enslave humanity. 

Amazing Spiderman: After a crappy start with the whole “Magic Spider of Doom” storyline, JMS has started producing some decent storylines for Amazing Spiderman, making the serious quite readable. 

The Filth: Grant Morrison at his filthiest and his most outrageous. A series based around a recently retired member of a secret organization that polices the world and targets threats to humanity that defy human comprehension. 

Savage Dragon: Now that the highly masturbatory parallel Earth storyline is over, Savage Dragon is looking to be restored to a level of readability, especially since Larsen has resolved the bulk of the long-running storylines that had rendered Savage Dragon practically inaccessible for new readers. 

Ultimate Spiderman: While it has its’ share of problems in regards of it’s writing (most notably Brian Bendis’s habit of stretching out his storylines for ungodly amounts of time), the book represents a fun and light-hearted throwback for Spiderman fans who miss the interplay between Mary-Jane and Spiderman and back when Marvel actually cared about developing Peter Park’s personal life and not simply paying lip service about developing it. 

The Avengers: The original is still the best, even if Marvel decides to put its marketing muscle behind it’s style over substance, overly-politically correct Ultimate Marvel doppelganger comic “The Ultimates”. 

Weapon X: Obscured X-Men related mutants (both good and evil) forced to work together as a special black operations team who answer to a hideously disfigured figure called “The Director” who spends his days plotting scheming to use his army of mutants to enslave all mutants under his control. 

Simpsons Comics: With the actual Simpsons TV show being heavily hit or miss these days, the show’s comic book counterpart remains remarkably consistent and funny unlike the television version of the show. 

Excuse me? Hit or miss? The Simpsons?? Ni**a PLEASE... still the greatest show on TV. 

This is the second week in a row Jesse has the word "masturbatory" and "Larson" in the same sentence. For those of you keeping score. 


Pat Brower TAKES ON 

Velocity and lives to recap the tale 

Eric Stibbons COLLIDES HEADFIRST INTO Confidential and smiles the whole time 

Chris Pankonin recaps Heat. The boy does not have any passion for this. 

Tom Daniels explores the Week in Wrestling with a fine toothed comb. Yes he does. 

Jim Vanderhorst blames YOU, yes, YOU for Paul Wight's career. It is NOT the Big Show's fault, it is THE INTERNET'S I knew it 

It's always good when Blake Norton shows up with a column. He's just as sick to death with this nonsense as you are, only he's better at putting his thoughts into words 

One of CRZ's abandoned writers finds a home here at 411. His name is Robert Ortega Jr and he calls his column The Smackdown Lines. I'm sure it's just spiffy. I didn't have time to read it. 

Okay... given the events of the last couple of weeks, I decided to forgo the usual stuff and revisit something back the Mop-Up days. You'll love it. 


Consider this a public service announcement. 

A few years ago, back when I was on Scoops and Isaacs would at least be nice enough to answer my e-mails (Jesus, I hope you aren't blaming ME for anything) I ran this closer. Then I re-ran it at ScoopThis... but who but the bravest of souls read me THERE?. 

The premise is simple... I realize a lot of you jackoffs need help getting sex... hell, a lot of the jackoff web guys you jackoffs READ need help too (exhibit F-ing A: The Rick. exhibit F-ing B: Scooter. exhibit F-ing C: CRZ). 

Oh f-it...I'm no Brad Pitt either... and I'm only sporting a 5 inch pecker. I need all the help I can get too... WE ALL CAN. 

Anywhoo... this was met with HUGE success... and, in light of the Rick's EMABARRASSING love life, as exposed by moi last week... and in light of CRZ making the biggest mistake in his life by banking the rest of his life on some annoying c*nt whom no one but him can really stand (as far as I know, at least... but I'm pretty good at making character assessments) 

Anyway... read this... print this... absorb this... and thank me for this. I'm trying to help: 

From 1999 and 2000: 

Okay you little monkeys, this is the moment you’ve ALL been waiting for....based on YOUR suggestions.....culminated and condensed from HUNDREDS of suggestions....and because you ALL need a little trim in your pitiful little lives....heat up those printers kids.... you've fed her, took her to a "date flick", put in your precious time, hard earned money, and had to listen to them gab on about how tough their life has bee Now it's time to get PAID muthafu**a. So how do you set the mood? What song do you put on the CD player? What record? How do you look SMOOTH?? 

No, NOT BRITNEY... you hardons. 

Here we go with the ULTIMATE list of songs to play while you trying to WORK THAT THANG!! 

BUT FIRST.....(heh)...the previous idea here was to list all the SONGS....but I canceled that concept for a few reasons: 1) If you want to be any sort of stud, you’re not going to stop mid-groove and change CD’s; 2) Any “compilation” tape will make you look like you were planning this....if you REALLY want to look cool, it has to look like these CD’s are in your player ALL THE TIME...not just for seducin’; and 3) Trey Conway’s head would explode if he had to post the entire laundry list. So if your suggestion isn’t on this list, tough tittie. Everything is listed into three categories: THE ALBUMS, ANYTHING BY, AND HONORABLE MENTIONS...I’ll explain the third when you get to it. 

Oh yeah, at least two clowns said to let HER pick the CD’s....well, why don’t you let HER snip off your nuts and give you a shot of estrogen too while she’s at it? P-whipped little suckers. 

NOW heat up them printers: 


ANYTHING BYS (self explanatory I think) 

Anything from Miles Davis, Orbital, Portished, Prodigy, The Crystal Method, Ben Harper, Goo Goo Dolls, Fuel, Sugar Ray, Leonard Cohen, Sublime, Molly Hatchet, Grand Funk, P-Funk Parliament Funkadelic, Dean "F**KIN" Martin, Barry White, Marvin Gaye (BIG TIME VOTE GETTER), Tom Petty, Melissa Etheridge, Otis Redding, Seal, Prince, Danzig, Cirque du Soleil, and Nine Inch Nails 

THE ALBUMS (CD’s...Cassettes....MP3’s.....or even 8 Tracks ((but you might have major problems if you’re still using 8 Tracks))) 

Anything by Garbage, a BONUS addition from me. Shirley Manson’s voice is sexy enough to get the mood going and strong enough to give her that feeling of power. I got some anal a few weeks ago because Garbage got her going.. 

"Shaft" by Isaac Hayes 

“Gentlemen” by The Afghan Wigs 

Kid Rock's “Devil Without a Cause” 

“Mixed up” & “Disintegration” by The Cure 

“Dazed and Confused” & “The BBC Sessions” by Led Zeppelin (Oy Vey) 

“Greatest Hits” by Journey 

“Slowhand” by Eric Clapton 

“Mr. Smith” by LL Cool J's (Anything by LL really..but hit the “repeat” button on “Doin’ It”) 

"II" & "Cooley High Harmony” by Boyz II Men 

"12 Play" by R. Kelly 

“Pulse” and “Dark Side of the Moon” by Pink Floyd 

Al Green's Greatest Hits. 

"Usher Live" by Usher 

"Jar of flies” by Alice in Chains 

"MCMXC" by Enigma 

“Toward the Within” by Dead Can Dance. 

“Urban Hang Suite” by Maxwell 

"Love Deluxe" by Sade 

HONORABLE MENTIONS (These are either very long songs and at least one suggestions that had the audience split) 

2 LIVE CREW (lots of votes...but also lots of people saying that this crap ain’t fly. I say this is the sheeeit you want to play when you just feel like grinding away and banging her head against the wall while you’re at it!) 

Charles Mingus's "Cumbia and Jazz Fusion" it's 27 minutes long and runs through a big sections that sounds like jungle tribal s**t...(NOTE that’s what the voter said...not me) 

Indagodanavita (I KNOW I spelled that wrong..) by Iron Butterfly 

"The End" by the Doors ( if played while she’s drunk) 

“Paradise by the Dashboard Light” Meat Loaf (chicks love this crap) 

“Strokin" by Clarence Carter 

The 15 minute live version of "Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. They melt 

on this song. 


“If you are alone with a chick while Elvis Costello's "Alison" is playing and 

still don't get laid, you might as well turn your penis in.” 

There you go. Everything you need to be the ULTIMATE MACK DADDY, BABY!!!!!! Try them on for size and tell me how it went....and you had BETTER THANK ME FOR THIS!!!!! Well, actually you did when I ran this last time. Others decided to be a moron and send some suggestions AFTER THE FRIGGIN’ THING WAS POSTED!!! I cheerfully invited those people to swallow Bleach. 

By the way, keep them CD’s clean. Nothing wrecks the mood more than when the thing starts hiccuping. 

Think Scaia will thank me for this? Hell NO! 

Okay... as an updated side note... I have found that you can get a LOT of mileage and have a LOT of fun if you add a little Screamin' Jay Hawkins into the mix. ("I put a...SPELL ON YOU!! Which means... YOU'RE MIIIINE!!") 

And Sinatra still works... believe it. 

And if you can't get her going on Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight"... then you have serious problems, yo. 

Have any more? I'd like to keep this going. 

You're welcome... and in a moment of clean honesty, I'd like to add that I needed this list just as much as everyone else did. So there. I am just a big a loser as any of you. 

Journey's Greatest Hits... GAH... you may omit that one from your "Must Buy" list. No respectable MAN has ANY business having the ability to have "Open Arms" fill up your home with a push of a button. Dear God... even homos would say, "Honey, that's lame!" 

"LOOoooovin' Yoooouuuu... with OOOOOOOPEN ARRRRRRMS!!"... oh... oh... my ass is clenching up right now as I type. Get that salami AWAY FROM ME, DAD!! 

Bleh.... followed closely by Feh. 

This is Hyatte