The Midnight News 11.11.02
Posted By Hyatte on 11.11.02
Me & You, New York, Russo, Wrestling Quotes, Trish, A Fast Story, Scherer vs. Everyone, Scooter, Flea, Joanie Loves Who?, House Shows, Comics For Sale, Knowledge, Love Macking, and Salutin' the Veterans
is this a wrestling news website or a f*cking venue for u to rant?? just curious.
Rant? What homo "rants" anymore? That's so cliché. I don't "rant"
And the answer is... it's my column, I do what I want to keep myself entertained. Period.
Man, why do you have to be so cruel and horrible to people? I dont understand, what pleasure do you get from doing such spiteful things? I wish you wouldn't, I'm sure what you did was very hurtful to Rick.
Hurtful? Naaah. A little humiliating?? YOU BET'CHA!!
your nonsensical ramblings are even more f*cked up than that Eric Sczxewxsxexcxwxsecxski dude. 411wrestling has two "decent" writers and a bunch of jag offs who intentionally go OUT of there way to not talk about wrestling. i agree that there's more to life than wrestling but it is 411wrestling.com. either write about wrestling or go review the new Hanson CD for the 411wrestling "music" section.
B: Didn't I already point out how abused the word "ramblings" has become? Please people, buy a thesaurus!
C: Hanson has a new CD?
D: I'm just getting you people ready for THE MANIA!!!!!
Yeesh. I'm Chris and this is the News. I've been deep into writing other stuff lately, and want to get back to it. Plus I'm not feeling the fire this week.... so don't expect much and you'll get exactly that...
well... this is ME talking here... I'm INCAPABLE of doing anything other than high toned entertaining stuff.... I know... I know.
Let's start things off with a little reminder of sorts as to why this is MORE than just a rasslin' news thing... it seems some of you need it.
GOIN' OUT TO THE 5 %ERS OUT THERE, YO!!
Now, it seems that 95% of the readers out there understand and actually LIKE what I do... but about 5% of you seem to enjoy writing the HIGHLY ORIGINAL e-mail: "Shouldn't a wrestling column be about... I don't know... WRESTLING???"
Well, first of all... find a new way to express your thought.... I'm tired of seeing all you unoriginal people use your teeny, tiny wit by ripping off the Church Lady from 10 years ago.
Now, if you want rasslin' news.... go f*ck yourself. What possible news is there that I could possible offer a "fresh take" on? I'll be honest... I have no fresh take on Triple H's political power or Stephanie's incompetence or the Undertaker's refusal to sell or why Benoit hasn't been elected PM of Canada. I don't have ANYTHING new to add on ANYTHING. I'm not invested enough in the business to really give any anymore. I like the TV shows fine... but I'm not OBSESSED with it. I don't WANT to be the next Meltzer... I could give a flying f*ck about getting Keller-like respect. If it comes down to buying a rasslin' video or an adult video.... I'll go porn 6 days a week and twice on Sunday. I go to the message boards... I see the level of fagness that "Smarts" exhibit. I don't want any part of it.
Plus, what if I DID focus 100% of this column to rasslin' news? What the F*CK would I talk about? In his latest column, Flea did a good job of outlining the typical week in the life of rasslin' on the Internet. It runs like this (I added one extra point that he missed):
-Get ready for RAW
-Enjoy RAW for what it is
-Read Smackdown spoilers
-Read 3 days of how HHH is ruining the business
-Enjoy NWA-TNA for what it is
-Read half cocked rumors about NWA-TNA and marvel at all the FANS of this show, when a few weeks ago everyone said how much it sucks
-Wonder why Bob Ryder will not give us the inside scoop when he is right there to confirm or deny rumors
-Get ready for Smackdown
-Enjoy Smackdown for what it is
-Read 3 days of how lousy Big Show is and how Benoit should be champion
-Write a news report (2 if it’s on a PPV weekend)
I ask again... WHAT THE F*CK NEWS IS THERE????
None. That's why I mix things up. That's why I CONTINUE to mix things up. And that's why I will NEVER STOP mixing things up.
90% of the readers get this, and probably like it.... and I'm willing to be that if anyone IN the business reads this, they may enjoy the change of pace. I mean, come on... Scooter is f*cking BORING.
So save your net respect for someone who deserves such nonsense... me, I'll just keep putting smiles on people's faces, making Mondays a little easier for people at work, and continue to fascinate any and all women who can't understand why I don't act like the rest of you losers. So PFFTH.
NEW YORK STATE OF CRIME
This whole deal with the ex-manager of The World getting nailed on embezzlement charges shouldn't shock anyone, really. Jesus, when six out of every ten New Yorkers (especially those living in Joisey) claim to own and/or manage a construction company, you have to ASSUME some of them are lying.
This is why New York is the greatest city in the world, by the way. EVERYBODY either "knows someone" or "is connected" or "owns something" and if you gotta problem wit' dat... fugeddaboit!
New York.... where EVERYONE lays claim to inspiring The Sopranos
Anyway... the WWE is suing the guy.... or something. Meanwhile, The WWF is coming back for more blood... filing a suit for more damages over the years. In a released statement, the Brooklyn Brawler said: "Oh come on, I never TOUCHED any f*ckin' Pandas!! Not even the MALE ones!"
THE NEW YORK NAPOLEAN
I've been offline for the better part of last week (so my bitches would MISS ME!). So I don't know how much this was covered.... but I find it interesting and it's my column so f*ck it and f*ck you too.
Poor Vince Russo.... he tries and tries and tries to SEIZE CONTROL of these rasslin' companies and ALWAYS ends up out on his ass.
It started two weeks ago, when the Torch WEBSITE said that the NWA was about to be purchased by the Panda Energy Group and apparently, Vince Russo discreetly tried to convince the potential new owners to put him in charge, but that sly old coot, Jerry Jarrett pulled a few cards out of his sleeve and stopped the coup detat before it really got started.
BUT... ONE DAY AFTER the Torch WEBSITE reported this, the Torch NEWSLETTER arrived with the headline JARRETT OUT, RUSSO IN Obviously, Whacky Wade Keller and Jiggy Jason Powell decided that waiting for a confirmed story wasn't worth the IRE AND RAGE I would bestow on them if my newsletter arrived late, so they ran with what they had and, a day later, quickly changed the story on the website before we got the newsletters. Good for them... no sense risking MY rage.... everyone benefits from the favored nod of the Mighty King Hyatte
Meanwhile, no one else even TOUCHED this story... not Meltzer... not 411 (heh)... not Rajah.... not the Lords of Pain.... and not Al Isaacs... who seemed to retire for the fourth time.
Later that week, Jeremy Borash did his Ross Report Rip-Off and called the Torch a "bunch of lying, moronic, stupid faggots" for reporting such LIES AND MISTRUTHS... Powell of course, laughed it off and rebutted. Borash has never been anything even REMOTELY WITHIN THE VICINITY of credible.... and seems to be a world class douchebag with a skill at brown nosing that makes Bob Ryder go "damn". Basically, if Borash tells you that water is wet, you better dip into the ocean and make sure.
Now LAST week, it became official.... Panda Energy now owns the NWA.... Jerry Jarrett's simple, direct, rasslin' oriented vision is in firm control while Vince Russo's vision for a living, breathing trainwreck of controversial, nutty non-rasslin' booking will be kept under super tight reigns.... IF he wished to stick around.... which was a big question mark... seeing how he wasn't at the show two weeks ago and I don't think he was there last week either. (Jarrett has said that he hasn't seen Russo in the last three weeks)
Panda initially LIKED Russo... but Sean Waltman, Scott Hall, and BG James made it clear that they would be OUTSKIE if he was in charge. Jeff Jarrett did his best to play both sides of the fence.... but chances are, he would've stuck with the old man too.
Plus, Jerry Jarrett is so NICE
So, Russo does have an offer to continue working for the NWA.... but given his history of not working well with others.... and since being a lackey is not the way of a CONQUEROR.... the outlook is bleak. To be honest, few tears are shed, in or out of the business.
Jerry Jarrett gets to show the paying world that week after week after fukking WEEK of constant Jerry Lynn vs AJ Styles matches DO have a shot at taking down the WWE ONCE AND FOR ALL (Jesus Christ... really.... can we like... STOP THESE TWO FROM WRESTLING EACH OTHER??? God, Hogan and Savage didn't go at it this much)
Meanwhile, Flea and I are torn. Flea thinks Goldylocks is in her 30's. I think she is in her 20's and is just a heroin addict with an insatiable nympho-like need for anal sex. I want to bang her, Flea doesn't.
Russo swears he'll be back.... by God.
And SERIOUS props to the Torch for being the only news site/rag with the balls to report this story and stick to it (unless Meltzer had it too... I didn't pay attention)
1bob continues to have no comment on the matter.
Anyway, while I'm on the topic, let's get this out of the way...
Torch Newsletter arrived ON TIME last week. Wade Keller is on a ROLL.
BUT... no Bruce Mitchell... for like the 6th week in a row (I ain't counting those bullshit little PPV "roundtable" blurbs. Mitchell still work for the newsletter? Or is he too busy impressing 20 subscribers who signed up for that silly VIP E-mail thing? (No one I know gets it.) I hope Wade isn't under the impression that Pat McNeill's column is what brings new subscribers.
BUT (2)... this week's newsletter has no less than FOUR plugs for that aforementioned silly ass VIP thing. Exactly WHY is Keller jamming that thing down people's throats again?
A LIVE MIC = DANGER!!
Here... some RASSLIN' quotes for you.... make you nice and wet.... bunch of goofy ass cherries.
A real diverse selection here too. I'm all over the map here.
1) Some of these homeless people... I know they're homeless but... but they have nice cars!- Vince on the phone, telling Steph he's at a soup kitchen.
This is so fun, Mr McMahon- Trish Stratus
Who was THAT>- Stephanie
It was a homeless lady! She's had too much soup. They get giddy when they have too much soup!- Vince
2) You think you impress the Rock? Why, because a couple of months ago, you were down South, beating some Jabronie named.....JUVENTUD??- The Rock to Jericho
Who’s Juventud? You have any idea?- Lawler
NO clue!- Cole
3) What’s the matter Sid, can’t find any scissors?- Bischoff
4) You must be very proud of those, young lady, thank you very much.- Okerlund to a female fan in the seats who apparently flashed him
5) But that O.K., its outside the ring, Jess.- Tony Schiavone (speaking about how the Ultimate Warrior had used a chair outside the ring)
You're an idiot, Schiavone. Can you get a gun and shoot the guy, as long as its outside the ring???- Ventura
6) Well, excuse me Chyna, if that is your real name...- Kurt Angle
7) Oh yeah, dig it! Bret Hart is at the top of the Macho Man's intergalactic hitlist. Yeah, dig it!-Randy Savage
8) And Hulk Hogan, we comin' after you next, NIGGA!!- Stevie Ray, forcing both Booker T and Sherri summon the will of God not to crack up
9) I learned a lot from Magnum P.I.- Shane Douglas, Dynamic Dude
10) Terry Funk this time we separate the men from the boys. Wait no, this time we separate the men from the old bastards- Cactus Jack
11) I don't know what I'd be doing if it wasn't for cable television- Bischoff
12) Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll tell you what, if some of you have been kind of disillusioned by recent pay per views. Because they have been kind of predictable and kind of old. Well, how can you predict what's gonna happen when Sable and Luna get together at Unforgiven, In Your House? The clothes are coming off!- Jim Ross, during the days when WCW was kicking their ass
13) Have you been approached to be Sable's partner?- Ross
Well not WRESTLING wise- Lawler
Easy now!- Ross
Hey, I can't help it if I'm a love machine.- Lawler
14) The NWO already used you up, they already took your SOUL- Zbyszko to Bagwell
15) That's not dandruff, give me a break!- Okerlund to Rick Rude after rude brushed some stuff off his shoulder
16) Back in Oklahoma, Bobby, we called a match like this a slobberknocker Bobby- Ross
I thought that's what they called the waitress at the Tip Top cafe in Downtown Tulsa- Heenan
17) You know, if you want to be fair to Flair, you've gotta be fair and say that's heckuva robe. Only a man as fair as Flair, would show up at Wrestlemania- Heenan
WILL YOU STOP!!- Monsoon
18) Tell ya what Schiavone. Let's make a wager in the Superbowl for fifty bucks. I'll take the Cowboys and you take the Bills- Heenan
The Superbowl was two months ago. Brain- Schiavone
Who won?- Heenan
The Cowboys- Schiavone
You owe me fifty bucks- Heenan
19) Its the Total Package Lex Luger. What'cha squat Lex, what'cha squat?- Nash
20) Dad, I got beat up- David Flair
Who did it?- Ric
BILLY KIDMAN???- Ric Flair
Those last two break me up. How do you bust a weight lifter's balls? You mock them "WHAT'CHA SQUAT, LEX??? WHATCH'A SQUAT???"
And of course, Flair. BILLY KIDMAN???? HA... classic Nature Boy.... he's at his best when he used to look down on other people.
THE ADVENTURES OF MRS TRISH HYATTE
Hyatte1com: You know, I'm convinced that at any given moment, you'll realize what I tool I really am and say "That's it, this loser is out!"
Trish: I already know how much of a tool you are.
That's the last thing she ever said to me. Although she was surprised when I told her she was on the cover of a 2002 WWE Trivia book that I found at Borders the other day. Which is a sad testimony to just how much of your ass the WWE actually owns.
100 WORDS WITH... ??
"Flash Fiction" is an exercise used by writers to tell a story, with a beginning, middle, and ending, in as few words as possible. Usually, they use around 750 words as their max... but sometimes they REALLY test their storytelling skills by going for a 100 word limit.
Can YOU guess the author of the following?
A Knock At The Door.
At this hour? Phyllis grabbed her broom, “Who is it?”
“I lost my key, Phyll.”
“Bernie?” She opened the door. “Bernie, why aren’t you dead?”
“I got better.”
“Better? From bein’ dead?”
“Hear those fireworks tonight?”
“Ugh, awful things.”
“Fire in the sky, blood from a babe. Presto.”
“What’s that stench?”
“I have a new God now. Want to meet him?”
“No I do not. You need a bath.”
“I need a brain,” Bernie licked his lips. “Mind if I eat yours, my loving bride?”
Later, the newdead Grandparents visited the rest of their family.
Here's a hint... it ain't Stephen King.
There ain't no prize for the correct answer, so don't get too excited if you recognize the work.
I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS: THE DAVE SCHERER STORY!!
NIKOWWF... or, as he offered as an alternative, "Juan", sent me a series of e-mails exchanged between him and Dave "I Love My Fans" Scherer. Juan had found something on 1bob that he didn't like and vocalized his opinion. Really, he didn't flame the guy... and Dave didn't flame back... but the rage was simmering... oh yes, it was SIMMERING.
I love this kind of stuff... Dave ALWAYS snaps at people like this...
Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 11:32 AM
Subject: WWE Mistake
Wow, Dave another update saying WWE.com made a mistake guess they are not all professional like your site. Oh wait, I've never seen anyone bootleg tapes on their site. Wait, don't you regularly post items in the wrong place, or post broken links? Where are the updates for the 1wrestling website screw ups? Come on, the WWE BASH OF THE DAY is lame. Report the news. Juan
Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 12:55 PM
Subject: re: WWE Mistake
Hey Juan, when I have a multi-million dollar company behind me, you would have a point. If you want to be a blind fan, go for it. Every business loves people like you.
Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 01:25 PM
Subject: re: WWE Mistake
That's unfair. I'm not saying don't point out bad booking, lame storylines, bad PPV's, company politics, etc. I'm saying that you looking for website mistakes to report every day is lame. I'm not a blind fan. I'm also not a fan who strives to be a nitpicking critic. I hate the Kane storyline. A website mistake I couldn't give a rat's ass about. If you can't see the difference, then you are not trying.
As well, one of your co-owners is involved in a company that routinely makes mistakes than make the WWE's mistakes look like nothing. Yet, they coverage of them is somewhat less. Why is that?
Hey, hypocritical owners of websites with influence are great too. Every business likes its shills too.
Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 03:45 PM
Subject: re: WWE Mistake
I don't look for mistakes. If I did, I would do numerous items a day. When you have a mistake like that on your splash page, only an idiot wouldn't see it as a story and a major problem. If you are an idiot, then I understand.
Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 04:05 PM
Subject: re: WWE Mistake
You called me an idiot. Nice retort.
The reason you don't cover NWA is because you don't want to say anything negative about them. If that is not hypocritical I am not sure what is. Can a sports writer decide he doesn't want to cover the Yankees because one of them is a friend of his? If that fact makes you upset then you can send me another email calling me another name.
You are quite possibly in my opinion the second most influential writer on wrestling today. Yet, you pick and choose your points and your moments. That's bad. You should be more than that. Sorry, just my opinion.
I will waste no more of your time.
Sent: Monday, October 14, 2002 04:45 PM
Subject: re: WWE Mistake
There is where you are wrong. I cover national promotions. There is only one left. All I know, or care to know, about TNA is what I see on TV. If you actually read my column, rather than slinging mud, you would see I have ripped them as badly as any other writer on the net, so your point is BS.
Your point about the sportswriter is BS as well. the Yankee beat writer doesn't cover the Jets.
And, I never called you an idiot. Reread the sentence.
Poor Dave... he's been battling philistines like this for YEARS!!!
SYXX-PAC EATS (AFKA) CHYNESE
Little thang here... Torch Newsletter reports that Sean "1-2-3 Syxx, X-Pac, Syxx-Pac" Waltman is currently dating Joanie "Chyna, From-The-Pages-Of-Playboy, I'm Really Feminine, Appearing At a Monster Truck Show Near You" Laurer. Could this be real love? Could this be permanent? Does this put either Waltman or Joanie in the category of "not gay, just a little curious". The Torch refuses to speculate.
MY THREE STOOGES
The damn mushrooms that have INFESTED the Rick's backyard continues to grow:
Kanism: what does the OO stand for?
Kanism: is it when you are sticking it to the girls...they go..."OH OH RICK!!!!"
Kanism: or is it the guys?
Kanism: you stick it to the guys, dontcha?
OORick signed off at 10:44:18 PM.
That's fun... but let's give the Rick a week off. And since poor CRZ is probably now spending every waking minute listening to his future bride moan about the world, I'm sure he's much too consumed with the idea of swallowing his hippie hair until he chokes to need any extra abuse from me.... so he gets a week off. Besides, I caused his little wienerville groupies to build three different threads about how horrible I am in just a week (little advice, kids... in case you didn't notice... ignoring me NEVER makes me go away... EVER.... ask the Rick about that)
No, this week, we focus on Scooter Keith! 411's VERY OWN... oops, I mean The Smarks (a separate entity!! COMPLETELY independent!! Yesiree.... they don't need 411 at ALL... nope) VERY OWN rebel without a sensible diet plan. Something happened a few weeks ago that I had to put off because of all the stuff with the Rick and CRZ... so this is a bit late... but who cares? It's still funny.
So, a few weeks ago, I offered Scooter- who fancies himself a talented writer- some clean, innocent, dare I say FRIENDLY advice about using the WAAAY out-dated reference "color me (adjective)" to show off how hip and irreverent and damn FUNNY he is accomplishes quite the opposite... hell, I didn't even point out that it was also a gimmick I stopped using three years ago, only I knew how to do it with irony.
Anyway, did Scooter accept the advice? Well, I HOPED he did. Unfortunately, as I went on with my life, HE decided to LASH OUT and MAKE A STATEMENT OF HIS OWN... I don't know exactly what he said because I don't read him.... but these e-mails told the tale:
You read Keith's latest feedbag? I think someone colored him gay.
Seems little scooter is attempting to grow a set and "Respond" to your criticism of his use of the phrase "Color me...", its actually pretty gay, but whatever. its in one of those feedbags he just did.
Oh, ho ho! Why, that wacky Scooter Keith! In response to you're condemnation of "color me . . ." has decided to put that phrase throughout his recent "Feedbag" (ugh) dozens and dozens of times! Oh my, what a genius! "He doesn't like my outdated lingo? I'll show him! I'm going to use it . . . every other sentence! Take that Hyatte!" And of course, since he doesn't read you, he must've used his magical precognitive skills to
know what you are saying! I'm going to write another sentence with an exclamation point! I'm the (!) Goldberg!
Gee so shocking. You mention Scooter's color me impressed comment, and magically the next news bag he does (Color me ready for more Q&A;!). Uses the phrase "color me ****" about a zillion times. But, I thought Keith said he never read your column?? You don't think he lied to us do you? Whatever will I do in a world where Scooter Keith is dishonest????????
You've finally officially gotten under Scott Keith's skin. After doing a great job of just ignoring your remarks for a good year, he's finally written something that proves that it does bother him.
Needless to say, I was disappointed.
See, instead of taking the advice in good form, he decided to make it a point to state that he does NOT respect me opinions and quite frankly, he thinks NOTHING of what I have to say. He is a REAL WRITER by God... not some... some vulgar HACK who DARES admit to enjoying Kevin Nash's mic work.
Scooter, Scooter, Scooter.... first of all, writing rasslin' reviews doesn't make you a good storyteller. It makes you a good recapper. I am a good storyteller... anyone who's seen my shit agrees... even when I BEG them to honestly trash my shit, none of them really do. There's a reason I don't let it out in the open... it's in a secret place where people who's opinions I VALUE can only see it. Wanna settle this once and for all and match up a short story against a short story? How about two of them? Three? Five? Ten? Do you REALLY want to put that ego of yours on the table? Honestly, I'm not sure I want to either... but I have more confidence... I'll do it.
Of course, I DO have Alexander Wept AND The New Backyard Wrestler AND The Road AND the Road's Sequel AND those two Jesus is the WWF AND WCW available for anyone to read. What do you have? World Hero Wrestling Federation or something? Please. I even have ANOTHER wrestling themed story coming before Christmas. I promise... it's not about super heroes in the ring... and it's not about Goldberg saving the world from an evil wrestling promoter.
Scooter... my little, issue-ridden, more-jittery-than-a-whipped-puppy, buddy... go to a bookstore one day and walk around BEYOND the wrestling shelf.... see all those books, both paperback and hardcover? There and hundreds of thousands... MILLIONS of them... all competing for the same wallet.... right now, you ain't good enough to compete with 98% of them (I figure I can compete with about 40% of them... but I'm constantly working on my craft) and I see zero originality in there either. You need all the help you can get. Take it from your better.
Oh, right... you're PUBLISHED already... guess what, I am too... and not from rasslin' either. Means nothing until you can make real, bill paying money from it.
Stop being a snotboob.
Color me amused
I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED THIS WEEKEND
From 411's new Movie Section!!!.
Here's the top movies... reviews are hyperlinked for easy access:
1) 8 Mile: - $54.46 million ($54.46 million). Hey, I saw this! It's just Rocky re-told 27 years later. But the climatic rap battle was real gnarly, dude! The producers were smart and didn't have Eminem load up on dialogue or a lot of "acting"... instead they let the guy use his eyes... and it was pretty effective. If you learned anything from this film, you learned to STAY THE HELL OUT OF DETROIT!!! Man, that's a sad, scary place.
2) The Santa Clause 2: - $24.1 million ($60.1 million). That's only 5 million less then what it did LAST week. That's big.
3) The Ring: $16 million ($86.1 million). I haven't looked... did any wannabe funny wrestling scribes (and of course, I mean Scooter) make the obligatory "joke" about how watching (insert WWF Video here) will also kill you in 7 days? Oh, OH the hilarity!! Dear God.... these web wrestling guys are SO FUNNY!!!
4) I Spy: $9 million ($24.7 million). I think God is just making Eddie Murphy pay for that Harlem Nights ego-stroke by stripping him of his skill.
5) Jackass: The Movie : - $7.2 million ($53.3 million). You know, no other movie has ever made me laugh harder more times than this one. My favorite was the scene where Bam Magera's old man sits down in the can and starts reading the newspaper.... then Bam runs in, wails on his ass, rips off his tank top, then runs out. After yelling at his son for a few seconds, the NOW SHIRTLESS father simply sits picks up the paper again and resumes his business.... like nothing happened. Yeah, that's my favorite... but there are about 20 OTHER segments that run a VERY CLOSE second.
Meanwhile, Femme Fatale bombed. GOOD. No one wants and/or needs Rebecca Romaine (sp? Who cares?) Stamos to be a star.
In other news, look out for the smarks.com to offer their version of The Ring for you're purchasing pleasure. This one is a home movie where Scooter watches wrestling videos and from time to time digs his finger into his little ring and draws brown mustaches on Triple H and Trish Stratus. I hear that at one point, Scooter drops a load in his knickers and uses it to give Jim Ross a full beard and glasses. He's available, ladies... AND desperate!
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
The following excerpt is from a real life phone call between myself and Flea. Every word is true.
Flea: Christmas is coming, soon.
Flea: I think I'm going to rat out this bullshit about Santa to my daughter this year.
Hyatte: Emily? Isn't she like, nine?
Flea: She's seven.
Hyatte: Seven? Why ruin the magic of Santa to a seven year old?
Flea: Didn't I tell you what she did to me on Halloween?
Hyatte: Probably. I forget.
Flea: Little brat decided that she wanted to hang out at the mall with her friends on Halloween rather than hang out with me.
Hyatte: So? She wants to be with her friends, big deal.
Flea: So? I'm gonna break her heart and tell her exactly where her presents come from!
Hyatte: What? BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE WITH HER FRIENDS??
Flea: She's gonna pay for doublecrossing her old man.
After that, I cracked up for a good five minutes.
I swear, this really happened.
THE HALIFAX HOUSE!!!
Interesting happenings went down at a recent Raw house show deep in the bowels of Nova Scotia. Things went smooth and steady.... until something happened that Jim Ross FORGOT to point out. Luckily, Brad was there to spill the BEANS on this potentially HIHGLY EMBARRASSING evening:
First off there were a few wrestlers that were standing in the back of the arena during the show (Hurricane, Tommy Dreamer, Jamal and Rosie, were the ones I noticed) and there were kids going up to them for autographs and they refused because they were too into watching the excellent D-Lo vs. Raven match that was going on at the time. I thought this was kind of shitty seeing as how most of us paid up to 50 bucks for a house show and they can't write their goddamn name on a kids program that they purchased for a
Cranky wrestlers? Nothing new there. PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE seeing how the house was probably 1/3 full.
At the end of the show The Fink stayed out and signed autographs, took pictures and shared stories with maybe 100 people that were left in the arena, Fink was a class act. Then two very pissed off men, Tommy Dreamer and Bubba Ray Dudley walked over signed three autographs and said they had to go.
Okay... wrestlers can't be expected to be sunny and cheerful EVERY FRIGGIN' NIGHT... everyone can have a bad evening.
The matches were about tens times as good as anything that has been on t.v. as of late.
Well, no cameras... no stress... no time limit. These guys are in the business for the joy of it... they WANT to turn them out and experiment.
Goldust was the most over face of the night, followed by RVD who hit all his spots in a good match against the very hated Rico. The women stepped it up a notch in a tag match between Trish and Jackie vs Molly and Victoria. Jericho and Christian were very entertaining against bubba and Jeff Hardy in the main event. Jericho got put through a table that was apparently made of steel as it didn't even budge the first time then barely cracked the second time. Ouch!
Goldust was OVER?? You nutty Nova Scotians!
The moment of the night goes to two kids (probably about 12-14) who jumped in the ring after the main event when the two teams were brawling down the aisle, and TOOK THE TAG TITLES and ran off with them. Security was going crazy realizing they fucked up majorly. From what I heard they got out of the building before they were caught. About 15 minutes later a security guard returned with the belts in hand.
BOOYA!!! Now THAT'S wild!!! That's cool!!
Could you imagine how many Internet erections would sprout if those two kids discreetly put the belts for sale? I once was banned from CRZ's wienerville board (under a disguised name) for pointing out on a thread about what kind of fake belts do people have that possessing a fake belt isn't exactly... umm.... studly. (my favorite response "If a girl bases her feelings about you on what you have hanging on your wall or on your mantle, then that's a girl I don't want any part of!") Imagine if the opportunity to own a pair of REAL belts arose? Oh man... the entire TOA band of losers would pool their money and share it... I KNOW they would.
Man... I LOVE that story.
What did we learn from this? House Shows are apparently better than tv, most wrestlers are pricks, and security sucks in Halifax.
Thanks, Brad, Antigonish, Nova Scotia
Thank you Brad.
I haven't been online much all week... if this story was covered already elsewhere... don't bother to tell me... I don't care.
Meanwhile, Triple H used a fight in the seats during a house match with Kane in Philly to wring some improv on the mic. He told the crowd to knock it off so he could work and then demanded that they "throw the bitch out". God Bless HHH... GLASS CEILING MY ASS!!!! HUNTER KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN!!!!!!
GETTING BAKED ON COMICS
Jesse Baker had a HUGE story about the dark side of MARK WAID.... and a damn GOOD story too... but I ran out of space and poor Jesse got bumped until the next column. Instead, I choose to use this space for this:
I'm thinking about unloading all of my old comics... about 2-3000 of them. No backboards of plastic covers here... they are dog eared, missing covers and thoroughly read through.... I'll ship them all to you for just... $1500. That's right... a BARGAIN AND it's shit you can read while you keep your IMPORTANT comics safe, boarded, wrapped, and sealed away from harm. We're talking all the big league Marvel and DC stuff from the 80's and 90's.... except for my Spider Man line... them I gave to a kid with leukemia. That’s right... I have a conscious! I have a SOUL.
The kid died. I cried. I also laid the ol’ Hyatte pipe to his mother. Then she cried. I cried more. We both cried. Five inches of Hyattus Maximus does NOT temper the pain of a lost child.... alas... alas.
My mission this week, to hit everything and make Eric happy!
Pat Brower does Velocity or does Velocity do HIM? You decide.
Eric Stibbons recaps Confidential in about 6 short paragraphs. He also threatens to kill himself. Basically, he's acting as miserable as CRZ did right before I ran him off the web for good.
Chris Pankonin recaps Heat and feigns interest in Raven's secret, master plan. He's not very good at feigning jack shit... I saw right through his ruse.
David Murphy defies convention and gives us the GOOD things about Raw He also calls Nowinski a "big star in the making" and gives a homework assignment. Who is David Murphy and why wasn't I told of another new hiring?
Ooooh, you lucky monkeys... you get not one but TWO Smark News Center... umm... guys to read! Neither of them is named Bower, Scotsman, or Shannon (side note: Sean's web blog site will make you laugh... then when you realize that the intention of the log is NOT to be funny, you'll laugh harder)
Josh Grut takes a break from openly ripping me o... I mean PAY HOMAGE to me in his news column to do a long-form column which eulogizes and puts to rest his ongoing gag about Lance Storm getting fired Funny stuff and Josh is a funny man. My small part in getting him on the site full time is something I'm very proud of. We're better off with him...
AND Flea (I could feel the e-mail coming)
Speaking of which, Flea already plugged Ortega... so that's all set.
FINALLY.... Ashish is so hopped up and JACKED about the 411 Interactive Music Poll that he asked me to talk it up... and believe me, Ashish NEVER speaks to anyone unless he HAS to. You can go vote for the song you want and... and... well, it's like TRL with Carson Ashish. The COOL thing is that each song listed has a link where you can go read the lyrics... wow.... I didn't know the line "Pat Buchanon could have stopped 9-11 from happening" is in Avril Lavign's "Sk8ter Boi".... damn, was she ALWAYS so political? Damn... take THAT Britney!
Let's close things out with something HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH RASSLIN!!! CAN YOU HANDLE IT???
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY...
Here is a classic closer from the days at ScoopThis... ah, what a fun filled, happy time ("No NoSoul, I love you.. really.. you are a true genius... yes you are... yes, yes")
STUFF I KNOW THAT YOU DON’T:
-Mary was only 12 years old when she gave birth to Jesus.
-Gay men give the best oral sex. (let’s not be predictable and ask how I know this, okay?)
-Some Whales have 2 small, undeveloped legs inside their body.
-Cancer is simply the multiplication of cells. The problem is that the brain never tells the cells to stop multiplying. That's all Cancer really is.
-If time travel would EVER be possible, then we would have been visited by someone from the future already with a warning about some impending disaster.
-The one thing that every religion has in common is they are all opposed to suicide.
-The average Rolls Royce owner owns a fleet of no less than 6 cars.
-The suicide rate of cities where Gambling is legal is twice that of cities where gambling is not legal.
-Next time someone tells you about an amazing Palm Reader they just saw, explain to them that those lines on the palm really are just scar tissue created because babies do not have the strength to open their palms flat. Then punch them in the face.
-Joan of Arc was a Hermaphrodite.
-2/3rds of the world's gold comes from a small region in South Africa
-Almost no one ever gets murdered in Sweden
-If the human population continues to increase at the present rate, by the year 3500 there will be enough humans to equal the mass of the Earth . By the year 6800, the total mass of flesh and bones will equal the mass of the known universe.
-The only country in the world where no one is born is Vatican City
-Why are the two fingers on each side of our hand smaller than the middle ones? Because they used to be melded together. The Index finger is longer and stronger because we’ve use it more than any other digit. We also used to have one big toe split from the rest of the foot.
-Shoes were made to fit either foot until 1850
-You're more likely to be attacked by a Cow than by a Shark
There ya go.
Oh what the hell... one more thing...
WHOLE LOTTA LOVE!!
Okay... you picked her up, dated her, wined her, dined her, and have the right music to woo her... now it's time to do the nasty.... need some MORE help? Ugh, losers...
Anyway.... here are some easy, fun, and awesome moves to show her that you, yes, YOU have that groove thaaaang... daddio!
1) Magic Bullet (aka "The JFK") - Slip a blindfold on a chick while she is giving you oral. At the same time, have a friend come behind her and pleasure himself behind her. Let em rip at the same time and nail the broad with goo from both sides of her head. She will always question if there was a second shooter or just a magic load.
2) Seal the Envelope - When hooking up with a really drunk girl and she passes out before you cum, turn her over and blow your load all over her ass crack. When it dries, it will seal her butt cheeks together and she will have to pry them open the next day - hence, sealing the envelope
3) Angry Pirate - This is where you proceed to perform a "Houdini" on a girl. With exquisite aim you launch your load into her eyeball. You then swiftly kick her in the shin and run for the nearest exit. As you look back over your shoulder, it will look like you are being chased by a one eyed, one legged "angry pirate"
HA!! I love that one! "ARR!! YOU LITTLE DICK BASTARD!!! ARRR!!!"
And for a hilarious BONUS...
Scooter Pie - When one of your friends passes out drunk... you and your friends take turns rubbing your bare asses up and down his face
HA!!!!! SCOOTER Pie.... HOW APPROPRIATE!!!
We done yet? Naah... in the spirit of the great VETERANS day, how about my personal shout out to the men and women of AMERICA who risked life and limb to protect not just their country... but OTHER countries who prefer to hide under the beds... in other words...
What is hard and long on (CANADIANS)? ?
How do you starve a (CANADIAN)?
Put his food stamps under his work boots.
How do you get a (CANADIAN) outta your house?
Throw a quarter out
Why don't you run over a (CANADIAN)'s bike?
Because it might be yours!
NOW, we're done.
For the third consecutive election, the sheep who live in my state has fallen for the magic of the LONG dead notion of "Camelot" and has put Patrick Kennedy into office. Patrick F-ing Kennedy. If Christ Himself ran for Congress here, we would still re-elect Kennedy.
Ugh.... I'm SO happy to be getting out of here soon.... to a land where the sun never stops shining, where the pools never close up, where the A/C never stops running... and where the bikinis NEVER stop being paraded about.
AND WHERE NOBODY IS IMPRESSED WITH THE MOTHERF*CKING KENNEDYS!!! "Aw, John John died? Too bad. Let's eat!"
A year away... so close... yet so far.
You know who's coming this week.... I don't need to go over it.
See you in two weeks... or maybe not... I might decide to take another one of my famous sabbaticals.... just so you know.
This is Hyatte