The Midnight News 11.25.02
Posted By Hyatte on 11.25.02
HBK vs Hogan, The McKids, Russo, Movie Quotes, The Warrior Shrugged, The Torch, That Nutty Scaia, That Silly Scherer, Hippie Nuptials, A Dirty Net Secret Revealed, Austin, HHH Fears Michele Branch, Widro, Message Boredom, and a Whole Lotta Crap
ohmigod, ur so funny!! even though u say bad things about girls ur still funny. y dont you swear? is it like a religous thing? im a girl and u seem cool. sorry if my english is bad. i hate english. its such a dum language. anyway, rite me back.
ur the best :):):):)
Oh come on.... that's a guy trying to fool me. People, I'm so much smarter than that... give me some CREDIT, PLEASE!!
I'm Chris and this is the News. Jammed packed nonsense is the order of the week, why, if I was Dave Meltzer I'd call it a MEGA-JUMBO-SIZED EDITION THE SIZE OF A SMALL NOVEL... but I ain't... and don't want to be... that's ANOTHER 411 columnist.
Anywhoo.... let's get to it.
NO LOVE FOR THE BALDING HEARTBREAKAA
No, I'm not talking about David Lee Roth either. I'm talking about Shawn Michaels.
Obviously, with his SS title win last week, the WWE is trying to recreate that nostalgic surge that happened when Hulk-A-Mania briefly resurfaced earlier this year. It's their bid to get people loving the product again.
Yeah but... the problem is... Hogan was a superhero. He really was... to us at least (and anyone who says different really has no true understanding of what it means to be a fan... either that or they are too young and their opinions should be blown off because they know nothing... either that or they are a web moron desperate for credibility.... either that or they are Canadian... or any combination of the 4.) Vince McMahon in the 80's made it easy for the fans: Hogan was the hero and anyone who f*cked with him (and thus, US) was the villain. Sure, even the hard-core fans got tired of the act after a while, but who WASN'T on their feet marking out like a faggot when Hogan legdropped Andre and kept the belt in Detroit?
Shawn was never the hero. He was too cocky for that. He missed too many matches, surrendered the belt without getting pinned too often, and had no natural microphone charisma. And this is BEFORE the Internet spilled all the secrets (actually, not ALL of them... you'd be amazed at how well the business still keeps things nice and hidden). Shawn never CONNECTED to the audience in a personal way... oh sure, he was a THRILL to watch, maybe the most creative sonafabitch of his time (If it weren't for Mick Foley, it would be HIS fall from the near-top of the Hell in the Cell roof that would still be in all the videoclips)... but were we EMOTIONALLY attached to HBK like Hogan? No f-ing chance.
The last HBK title reign won't... can't last that long, unless the creative team has a huge, MONSTER story to go with this angle, it'll be chalked up to another misfire. Christ, they guy can't even thrill like he used to. The back won't allow it.
They should have given either Jericho or Booker the belt. Then let them hold it until Kevin Nash comes back and KICKS SOME SERIOUS ASS!!! BIG DADDY SEXY COOL DIESAL THE GIANT KILLER CAN SAVE THE WWE!!! AND MAKE KILLER, HILARIOUS INSIDE PROMOS WHILE SHOVING A BROOM UP HIS ASS AND SWEEPING OUT THE RING!!!!
Nash... God love the bastard!
RUSSO RULES AND HERE'S WHY
Heard a interesting tidbit that Vinny Russo is partnering up with my old boss Al Isaacs for some reason... possibly for Al's Smark cartoon deal. I have neither verified nor confirmed said information received second-hand... and I have no plans to (Russo didn't (which is to say he NEVER) answers my IM's... but he doesn't block me either... so he likes me. (Hell, he sort of reminds me of my father in that respect... the old bastard never talked to me either.... f-ing dad... why ain't you dead yet?)
Anyway.... Russo is the talk of the net ONCE AGAIN (well, in as much as the NWA is the talk of the net... which it rarely is)... by revealing himself to be the KKK MR. WRESTLING 3 guy after EVERYONE said he was all but done and finished with the NWA after them damn panda took it over and Jerry Jarrett pulled a few trump cards out of his ass and outplayed the New York Napoleon (Man, why am I channeling Flea all of the sudden? Or am I channeling Tom Zenk? Or is it Hunter Thompson?). "Russo was FOILED AGAIN!!" we creamed... and screamed too. "WHEN WILL HE LEARNED THAT THE NET IS 100 TIMES SMARTER THAN HE COULD EVER BE?????" we cried.
Yeah well... guess what.
RUSSO SWERVED US AGAIN!!!!!!!
Gotta give him credit.
Meanwhile.... hey nitwits, while you're busy bitching about him (and this week's Across the Boards segment below offers AMPLE evidence), chew this over... more people are talking about LAST week's NWA PPV then ever before... save for the first one. Jerry Lynn and AJ Stylez going at it 900 f-ing weeks in a row hasn't come CLOSE to the publicity a Russo walk-on has generated.
You are ALL his bitch. MARKS!!! Russo has you by the balls.
Bravo Dad... err... Vince!
WHERE'S UNCLE CHARLIE WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
The Torch Newsletter briefs us on the doings of the McMahon siblings.... the kids may be richer than God Himself, but they ain't all right...
Stephanie is perceived to be a "know-it-all"... now, no one accused rasslers of being able to build rocket ships, but Stephanie seems to enjoy being an authority on EVERYTHING, no matter what topic... dog grooming, tushy wiping techniques, building a practical automobile from an old toaster and a deck of playing cards, why inventing a perpetual motion device would actually cause Uranus to explode and how to successfully rise up the corporate ladder in record time... among other things. (Actually, makes me wonder if Stephanie owns and operates an independent wrestling website). Most rasslers find it annoying... Triple H has yet to comment.
Meanwhile, Shane is really playing up the whole "spoiled, obscenely rich" rapscallion that is so popular in movies and on soap operas. He hangs out at PPV's and the following TV shows, then disappears for a month. He talks to the boys, hears out their problems, and shoots daggers at HHH.
He does NOT like Hunter's growing political power... he sees it as a possible SIEGE, DAMMIT!!! He is currently consulting old Shakespeare plays to see how best to dispose of the usurper ("Kill my own MOTHER by making her swallow hot coal? Okay Billy, if you say so dude") He ain't too happy with Steph either... no reason really... just because both she and her boyfriend are "RUINING EVERYTHING, GODDAMMIT!!!! IS MY F*CKING FATHER BLIND?????"
FORGET IT JAKE... IT'S... IT'S...LINE?
Okay, okay... GOOD... you had three weeks and NONE of you sent a single Kevin F-ing Smith quote. Maybe one poor sap sent a quote from a Tarantino flick.
Nice to see you all know how to read and COMPREHEND.
Ya know.... if this served as any solid barometer, it's clear that your typical Wrestling fan's favorite movies are Death to Smoochy, Army of Darkness, and Real Genius.... go figure.
1) Don't move, or I'll fill you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!
What does that mean?
I don’t know-Three Amigos
2) Dignity...always dignity- Singin’ in the Rain
3) Gee, Ricky I'm real sorry your mom blew up!- Better Off Dead
4) The problem with kicking a chow's ass, is that an hour later you wanna do it again- Payback
5) Now I'm gonna put you and the rest of the creeps & muthafuckas in the mutha fuckin' place where the creeps and muthafuckas is- Fear of a Black Hat
6) Now. To unleash screaming temporal doom- Invader Zim
7) Ray!! The next time someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES!!!- Ghostbusters
8) When I see a bunch of guys in Togas stabbing a guy to death in the park, I shoot the bastards- The Naked Gun
9) If I had a dick, this is where I'd tell you to suck it- (Betty White in) Lake Placid... that's right, Betty F'N WHITE!!
10) You CAN'T blame a man for following his dick! That's like blaming a
compass for pointing NORTH!!- Tequila Sunrise
11) Listen, here's the thing. If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker.- Rounders
12) I can roll a blunt better than them bitches in Havana!- Next Friday
13) When we were kids and my brothers would play cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.- Death to Smoochy
14) Ya lollie-gag the ball around the infield...ya lollie-gag to first...ya lollie-gag to the dugout....you know what that makes you???? Larry?
LOLLIE-GAGGERS!!- Bull Durham
15) Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Nope. Just me baby... Just me- Army of Darkness
16) What are you drinking?
Milk? Aren't you afraid it'll curdle when it hits your liver?
Nah!! My liver died 4 years ago- The Cannonball Run 2
17) Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future- Plan 9 From Outer Space
18) Look I know you’re new here so I’ll explain how everything works. You… have… no… brain- Swimming With Sharks
19) I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass- The Long Kiss Goodnight
20) Go to Hell!
Heaven, darling, Heaven. At least get the zip code right.
It's all the same to you, isn't it?
No, in Heaven we believe in love.
What do you love Gabriel?
Cracking your skull- The Prophecy
and... just because you've all been behaving...
Bonus: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.- Clerks
There... HAPPY NOW YA' F*CKING MARKS??
Screw with me here and you'll never see a K f-ing S movie line in this column again.
#9 is my favorite.... good ol' Betty White. God bless 'er.
WARRIOR'S BOOK OF THE MONTH CLUB
You know, the Warrior is a strange guy.
Now, now, now... everyone relax... take a deep breath... let me explain myself
After MONTHS... sometimes YEARS of inactivity on his website, the guy jumps in there and announces that in order to train for a NEW career as a motivational speaker (can he make all fat chicks turn into Gwyneth Paltrow like that other freaky guy? If so, SIGN ME UP!!!) he decided to spend 5 days a week throughout November (and he has made it CLEAR that this will ONLY last through November) posting daily essays. It's all typical Hellwiggian stuff... lots of bluster, lots of expounding... lots of fun... and I bet he even called someone "pathologically unclever" somewhere in there too.
Anyway.... Josh Harding read his stuff, saw a pattern that he recognized, and asked the Warrior about it. The Warrior wrote back. This is a little INCITE into the man's mind, people... be sure to take notes:
Hey Chris, Since the Warrior has been posting his political columns daily, I asked him if Ayn Rand influenced his thinking. I just finished her book "Atlas Shrugged" when he started his daily postings. I asked him specifically about how his views on organized religion were similar to Ms. Rand's. Besides being an ardent atheist, Ms. Rand:
-believes greed is moral
-seems to think, by the way she writes love scenes in her books, that rape is an expression of true love
-believes ballet is an expression of the highest form of objective thinking
She believes all other sorts of goofy stuff that would take days to document. Although the e-mail isn't nearly as funny as his actual writings, it reveals his philosophy, Rand's Objectivism. His e-mail reply to me is posted below.
To: Josh Harding
From: Warrior (email@example.com)
Subject: Re: Objectivism
Date: Tue, 05 Nov 2002 08:02:27 -0700
Josh, yes. I will be writing on how Ayn rand influenced my thinking. She held some contradictory positions, I think, but she was, nonetheless, a brilliant human being. Especially, as it relates to a philosophy to live by on earth. There are so many different views of creation and I happen to believe it is a too incredible not to have been a creation, and from a literal point of view: a creation demands a Creator...anyway, we are here and we must deal with its reality, and the being we are, by nature, gives us all we need to do that, and I do not believe our Free Will is our Original Sin. Keep checking back.
There you go... I know of Rand and that book... I may read it one day, but I'm not sure if I'll like it.
Incidentally... isn't it funny how the Warrior's writing commitment of "I'll post heavy for a month then I'm GONE" is pretty much- if not EXACTLY- the same commitment he constantly gave wrestling... and hence, his FANS... (if he even really HAD fans, that is).
Torch Newsletter arrived ON TIME for the last three weeks straight... ATTABOY WADE!!
See, Keller UNDERSTANDS the influence I wield. If he were SMART, he's re-up my subscription for free... as a gift for me choosing him over the Meltzer piece of shit-Jap lovin- rumor mongering- all the message board twits drool over it so it MUST suck-dirt ass toilet paper of a newsletter.
BUT... unfortunately, with some good news, there must be a couple of bad news to report... two of them, in fact
1) MAJOR goof... in the latest Torch Newsletter, page 6 of his column, while discussing possible Wrestlemania options, Wade PERSONALLY wrote this:
Rock vs Brock Lesnar is the most attractive single match WWE could offer at Wrestlemania mainly because those two have never faced each other before, but also because it pits their top star of the boom period against the person being groomed for the long-term spot right now.
Yes, it's an ACTUAL QUOTE.... Brock and the Rock have NEVER FACED EACH OTHER BEFORE... according to Wade Keller.
Plus, I'm sorry, but during the WWE(F) BOOM period, the top star was UNQUESTIONABLY Steve Austin.
2) There were NO NWA/TNA notes in this week's Torch.... almost as if Wade was a bit red-faced by being swerved by Russo's "firing/quitting" like everyone else was.
But to me, that's not the worse news...
3) I heard a frightening rumor from one who knows.... now, this isn't SOLIDIFIED... nor is it definite... but I think it's something Keller and Powell are thinking about...
The Newsletter has four writers: Keller and Powell (for the hard news), Mitchell (for the prestige, because when Bruce Mitchell is "on", there is only ONE person alive who's better... ((take a wild, f*cking guess... no, not Scooter either))), and McNeill (who consistently so goddamned thrilled to be on the Newsletter that his hard-on inspired enthusiasm is contagious.) Well, with Mitchell being a sporadic contributor at best, Keller is looking at adding a NEW full time Newsletter contributor to the team.
BlowJob Bethel might be a Torch Newsletter contributor.... apparently, he's tight with Powell and has an "inside" track.
BlowJob F-cking Bethel... who has been at this web thing for 5 years, four of them in DEEP obscurity... FOR A REASON... who is so bad that even OTHER TORCH WRITERS mock him in their columns.
Wade... baby... you know I love you but, do you even READ BlowJob Bethel's columns? There is no WIT, no ZEST, no INCITE, no BRIGHTNESS in them. He does a remarkable job at filling a web column with 500-700 words that add up to NOTHING of note. He rarely has opinions that offer ANY fresh thoughts on a subject... he is a PARROT... he reads everything else and simply MIMICS popular thought. He is a third rate Raw and/or Smackdown recapper... which is probably why his main gig with you is a pointless, USELESS show recapper after Powell, McNeill, and Mitchell have already submitted a recap. Trust me... BJ Bethel brings NOTHING to the table other than a good dose of e-mail and in-column asskissing. Please.... PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST... do NOT REWARD HIM.
If you do, I'll have no choice but to tell everyone to run to Meltzer... or even worse, to get Scherer's Lariat newsletter. I'm serious. I don't even dislike the guy... I personally don't care about him... but I REFUSE to pick up a newsletter where one writer is there STRICTLY because he knows how to get his nose good and deep into the brown stuff.
Wade's currently creaming his pants over a MEGA interview with Hulk Hogan that will be in the Newsletter very soon.... trumpeting it as Hogan's "first ever interview with a major insider publication". Let's hope Wade, checks, rechecks, then TRIPLE CHECKS the newsletter for errors and typos. Nothing would be worse than having Hulk Hogan say "Umm, Lesnar actually did fight the Rock before... braa'". Then let's hope Wade punches himself in the face a few times for even THINKING about letting BJ waste valuable newsletter space.
THE IWC'S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
So, there I was... minding my own business, checking my e-mail and lo and behold... I get THIS:
Sent: Wednesday, November 20, 2002 3:10 PM
Subject: Thank You
Thank you for your email.
Due to the ever increasing popularity of 1Wrestling.com, I am now receiving in excess of 500 emails a day. I have always prided myself on answering every mail I get personally, but it has just gotten to the point where it's impossible to do so. I will try and answer every email that I can, but I just can't answer them all. I wish I could.
I do read every email that I get and I appreciate the time that you take to send them, so if I don't respond personally to the mail, rest assured that I did read it.
I've never... EVER written to the man before. How the HELL did I get on his list?
And... a FORM LETTER? That arrogant BOOB. No wrestling WEB guy should EVER use a form letter. Jesus.
But that's not even the big problem. The BIG problem is that Dave is LYING. After considerable thought... I decided to let YOU, John Q Mark in on a secret...
If a web guy says they got 50 e-mails that week... it means 10. If he says he got 100 e-mails... then he got 20. 200 e-mails = 25. 300 = 30. The higher the number, the wider the lie. That's how it's done. Trust me, I've been a popular Net God for over 5 years now... and I've been lying since day ONE.
In fact, we JOKE about it. NoSoul (Dusty the Fat, Bitter Cat) and I used to laugh about it all the time. Al Isaacs and I goofed on it too.
Rick Scaia.... as early as 18 MONTHS AGO, claimed he had 5'000 questions for "Ask the Rick" sitting on his hardrive. He did NOT answer all of them before the site shut down. So how come he hasn't brought the "ALLEGEDLY" popular feature back for his new site? I'd say go ask him but... he doesn't do the bit anymore... and besides, he'd try to make a bullshit damage control story (something he's been doing ALOT lately... heh)
Dave Scherer is full of shit. He does NOT get 500 e-mails a day. He can't. How do I know? Alexa has 1bob ranked at 10,480 place. (First time they EVER left the land of four figures). 411 is ranked # 7,689 (every wrestling site is taking a hit these days).
That's a difference of 2'791. They are just under 3'000 sites behind us in popularity. Widro and Ashish do NOT get 500 e-mails a day (unless Scooter is really, REALLY, mad at me for something)... therefore, Dave can't either.... it's F-ING IMPOSSIBLE.
I don't get 500 e-mails a day either... I get 475. There's some TRUTH for ya', dammit!!
Dave gets... maybe 100 e-mails a day... that's because of Ask1wrestling, and everyone knows he likes to post ads, reviews, and other off-beat stuff in his Lariat... which is DAILY.
I'm sick of all this web bullshit. If you ever wondered why I'm so aggressive against these guys, it's EXACTLY for shit like this. Why... if this was 1998 I'd make cracks about Dave being infatuated with young girls... most notably his daughter.... but I'm older now, and wiser... more tempered... seasoned, if you will.
Oh... oh crap... I made a typo. Of COURSE I don't get 475 e-mails a day... that's nonsense... messed up huge there... I get 457 e-mails a day. Yeah, that's better. Whew... almost became a hypocrite there for a second... man.
Oh, and speaking of 1bob's writers... HEY, TOMMY FIERRO... at least have the smarts to send me a PERSONAL REQUEST to advertise one of your shows rather than send me a stupid FORM LETTER. I ain't exactly a Lord of Pain, y'know. I could actually get your message OUT. Of course, you'll have to EARN the plug in some way.
MY THREE STOOGES
Well, CRZ proposed, and his silly c*nt of a girlfriend officially became his silly c*nt of a fiancé.
So, naturally, CRZ RAN to the nearest computer and relayed the news to a wrestling message board.... because we all just HAD to know the good news.
THEN he called his family (true).
He reported this news to the losers at TOA and NOT the losers at HIS OWN board. The same people who VIGOROUSLY defend him at a drop of a flame.
My question to his "wieners" is... why defend a guy who obviously has so much disdain for you? Ah well...
For a picture of CRZ's silly c*nt of a future bride... go here.
Now onto the Rick
I don't go to his site. There's nothing worthwhile going on there... so this came as amusing news to me. Apparently, since the Rick is too busy figuring out what to do with the female clit: "I don't get it? It just hangs there like a piece of scabby dead skin?", his WRITERS have taken up the cause to defend their man. (you GO, BOYEEEZ). One of them tried to parody my column (isn't that what Sayeitan used to do?)
John, a reader, wrote to the Rick and complained about it:
If you're going to allow one of you're writers the chance to parody Hyatte, please make sure they're competent to do so.
The Rick, feeling safe, responded. John whisked his response to me... because Rick is a tool and I'm not.
This is hilarious:
I know, John, I know... but the guy sold me on it not being an exact parody of any one writer, per se, as much as a parody of the overall genre.
Plus, do have any idea how hard it is to find a mentally stunted, pathologically unclever paramecium to hire as a writer? I agree that (the writer in question) supremely unqualified to write at Hyatte's level, but unable to find that perfect candidate for such a job, I decided to let him do his thing, just this once.
I apologize and beg your forgiveness...
I like the part where he says I'm not just "unclever", but I'm SO "unclever" that it's borderline clinically psychotic. I don't know... arranging a girl to seduce you into spanking your flabby monkey over the phone seems pretty f-ing clever to me.
I mean sure, it's not as clever as doing a phony news column on April Fool's Day, making it a yearly tradition, then screaming "GOTCHA" at the end... but we all can't be as bright as the Viking.
Amazing... this is a PRIVATE e-mail... and the guy STILL has to use overstuffed words to try to impress people.
I mean... big words are fine... they're great. God bless 'em, but Jesus Christ... the guy is clearly SO DESPERATE to be taken seriously... to be respected. There is NO REASON to pull this shit with an e-mail. What's he trying to PROVE?
Re-read that e-mail and ask yourself... has this guy EVER been laid? Not sure? Then re-read the above, then re-read THIS... then make a decision.
Now, if all three of my Stooges behave themselves this week... I'll take this segment out of the rotation for a while. Let it chill out of a month or so.
THE RETURN OF STONE COLD!!!!!!!!!
Linda recently admitted that they have been in contact with Steve Austin and he is now "a friend" again...
Well... a little bird told me that Austin is READY to come back... he WANTS to come back.... he sees what's happening and it's BREAKING HIS HEART!!! He'll come back. He'll do it. HE SWEARS TO GOD HE'LL DO IT!!!!
And all it'll take is a "shitload" of money (nigga's gotta EAT, yo!).
Oh, and total and complete control of his character... that's it. Oh yes, you will JOB to Stone Cold and you will LIKE IT!!!!
In other news, Scott Steiner is already promising his brother Rick that he'll sneak him into the company when he sees a chance. Pretty ballsy for a guy who's yet to work his first match yet.
HHH WILL TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!
Ya' know... I goof around a lot and make terrible jokes... but anyone who knows me (two people, at most) knows that I don't buy any web bullshit until I get definitive proof... (which is as rare as a virgin porn star 'round these parts)... BUT..
I'm FINALLY starting to come around to this whole theory about HHH looking out for HHH and no one else. I know, I'm a little late to the party here... but even I am seeing the light.
Now, the Torch is reporting that HHH has STUMBLED UPON THE REAL REASON WHY RAW SUCKS!!! NO, REALLY... HE KNOWS WHY!!!!
See, according to HHH, the only reason.... the SOLE reason fans are leaving the company is because... no, really... because HE ISN'T A FACE!! The fans really, I mean REALLY want to CHEER FOR HIM!!! (yup, they blew the roof off the dumps earlier last year when he came back from the quad tear as a face... oh, baby.... Wrestling was NEVER HOTTER than last Winter/Spring, by God.
Anyway, that’s what Hunter's selling to Vince.... more HIM on TV, only let him fight FOR us, not AGAINST us. He could be the NEW ROCK, by Christ!!! Who WOULDN'T want to cheer for HHH? Deep down, that's what we REALLY want.
Speaking of HHH.... a guy named Ramsey compared HHH to Carlos Santana and offered up an impressive list of facts that serve as real PROOF... witness:
1) They both use other people to get them over and when that has been done, they bury them. Who honestly gives a shit about Rob Thomas after "Smooth"?
2) Think about it this way: who's career was boosted last cause of Triple H? None that I can think of. Same with Santana and his guest artists. Did Wyclef get a "musical push." Definitely not. Makes me feel kinda bad for Michelle Branch, cause she, like RVD, is next to be buried.
3) Now take their popularity spike, both of which happened around 1999 (Triple H with his heel turn and Santana with the release of "Supernatural"). Both then won distinguished awards in their respective professions (Santana with the Grammys, Triple H with the Match Of The Year with Austin, 2-out-of-3 Falls in 2001), yet didn't give full credit to the people involved (I seriously doubt Santana would up and say "This record would have sucked if Dave Matthews didn't guest with me"). Then in 2001, they took hiatus', both "rehabbing" (Triple H with his torn quad and Santana making a new record)
Then, they explode again in 2002, this time a little bit lazier and without as much flair as their 1999 counterparts (Triple H's lagging ringwork and the not-as-stellar "Shaman" album of Santana)
Not bad. Of course, I don't recall HHH being Hispanic, skinny, having dark hair, or doing a 45 minute guitar solo in the middle of performing Black Magic Woman in the middle of the ring... but other than that...
Michele Branch is pop music's version of RVD? Dear Christ!!! Well, she does say the word "dude" a lot... and she likes to use her thumbs to point at her tits.
WORDS OF WISD(R)OM
The following serves not only as not only as high quality entertainment, but also as a little teaser:
Hyatte1com (11:50:13 PM): Flea gave me the inside scoop on his big IWC 100
Widro (11:50:26 PM): oh really
Hyatte1com (11:50:31 PM): it USED to be IWC 200 but... his eyes were too big for his stomach
Widro (11:50:37 PM): so where am i?
Hyatte1com (11:52:50 PM): I've been sworn to secrecy
Widro (11:53:02 PM): am i together or separate from ashish
Hyatte1com (11:53:32 PM): you'll see
Hyatte1com (11:56:15 PM): Any guesses as to who # 1 is?
Widro (11:56:33 PM): scott keith... god bless hm
Hyatte1com (11:57:18 PM): who is "Scott Keith"? I don't know that name.
Widro (11:57:43 PM): cute. i'm going
FUN WITH A DOUCHEBAG
What's this? ANOTHER AIM TRANSCRIPT?? Damn skippy, bitch.
Whenever I go online in the wee hours of a Friday or Saturday, I can always GUARANTEE that everyone who contacts me will make it LOUD AND CLEAR that they are dead drunk after partying THEIR ASSES OFF. "No, Hyatte, I'm really, REALLY drunk... I swear... it's important for you to know that I am NOT a loser."
For the record, I do not believe ANY OF YOU. But on this particular Saturday night/Sunday morning, I decided to f*ck with one of them:
Frobaj (3:08:21 AM): I'm soooooooooo drunck richt now. fo some reasoon you a er on my buddy list
Hyatte1com (3:09:18 AM): liar
Frobaj (3:09:28 AM): ?
Frobaj (3:10:03 AM): what am I liying about
Hyatte1com (3:10:13 AM): you are not drunk.... you are faking it so I won't think you are a loser
Frobaj (3:10:45 AM): alright if you say so how do I know you?
Hyatte1com (3:11:30 AM): like I would know?
Frobaj (3:12:36 AM): Whats your name
Hyatte1com (3:12:44 AM): Hyatte1com
Frobaj (3:13:04 AM): whats your real name like mines Bryan
Hyatte1com (3:13:32 AM): my name is Haywood
Frobaj (3:13:55 AM): well I don't know anyone named Hay wood. why would I care if you think i'm a loser
Hyatte1com (3:16:18 AM): in order for me to know that, I would have to know you
Frobaj (3:16:33 AM): i'm drunk at 3 in the morning talking to someone i have no idea who is of corse im a loser
Hyatte1com (3:17:38 AM): your spelling and grammar always gets worse when you are discussing how drunk you are, yet is clean and rather straight when you aren't
Frobaj (3:19:15 AM): what?
Hyatte1com (3:19:48 AM): Hyatte1com (3:17:38 AM): your spelling and grammar always gets worse when you are discussing how drunk you are, yet is clean and rather straight when you aren't
Hyatte1com (3:21:39 AM): If you are going to pretend to be drunk, please stay in character
Frobaj (3:23:40 AM): if i was trying to impress you i wouldn't pretend to be drunck i would pretend to be sober
Hyatte1com (3:24:26 AM): now your grammar and spelling is bad.... way to go
Frobaj (3:25:10 AM): would you get of my gramer and spelling
Hyatte1com (3:26:51 AM): I'm not ON your "gramer". the bitch is too old for me
Frobaj (3:27:15 AM): what the f*ck does that mean and why are you mad and why do you think i give a fling f*ck wether or not i am drunk i just want to know why i have your screen name
Hyatte1com (3:31:35 AM): the f*ck should I know?
Frobaj (3:32:07 AM): well I didn't pull it out of my ass
Hyatte1com (3:40:23 AM): now, be sure on your next line to f*ck up every word, so I'll know how drunk you are
Frobaj (3:41:59 AM): i thinck yu ar just fuking wih me
Hyatte1com (3:42:34 AM): attaboy
Frobaj (3:44:22 AM): whatever
Hyatte1com (3:44:43 AM): you're a girl, right
Frobaj (3:44:50 AM): no i told you my name is bryan not brianna
Hyatte1com (3:47:13 AM): you're starting to bore me... so do something amusing or I'm out
Frobaj (3:47:44 AM): well if you want to leave go ahead i don't care
Hyatte1com (3:48:07 AM): no, I wouldn't leave, I'd just block you
Frobaj (3:48:15 AM): im just a squirrel trying to find a nut
Hyatte1com (3:48:30 AM): I knew you were a girl
Frobaj (3:48:43 AM): no im not
Then I blocked him.
WHO WROTE THIS CRAP???
Flea sent me this... don't know where he got it, or if he wrote it himself... I hope he realizes that Cuba would NEVER allow stuff like this to be available to the public:
The Perfect Dump: Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump: Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.
The Chili Dump (aka The Japanese Flag): Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Childbirth Dump: This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump: Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16.... damn commies.
The Encore Dump: Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.
The Houdini Dump: You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
What? Oh like I'm not full of shit most of the time anyway. Least I'm HONEST about it! Find another big time web guy who'll say the same.
One guy I KNOW is about to shit himself is Jesse Baker as he is now realizing his big report on Mark Waid has been bumped YET AGAIN
Pat Brower does Velocity
Chris Pankonin recaps Heat
Daniels admits to reading Flea's news and also recapsthe week
Does 411 cover GAMES?, MOVIES?, MUSIC?, and DOLLS... ERR... ACTION FIGURES??? You BET'CHA!!
Want to be a vital, INTEGRAL part of the music business?? Want to decide who succeeds and who FAILS?? Then take the 411 big MUSIC POLL?
If this weekend proved anything... it's that Vin Diesel ain't even CLOSE to being James Bond cool yet... bet'cha ass, BITCH!! I'm desperately short on space so go read the Box Office results
Okay... let's wrap things up with a fan favorite here....
ACROSS THE BOARDS
Been a'while since I did this.... took some effort, but I got a good crop of shit.
I USED to name the boards where I went... but then some of you losers started bitching that I didn't "credit the work". Yeah, like I'm going to name names... ugh... like this is actual "content"... riiiight. So no plugs... no mentions... NADA.
I will say I went to four boards.... shouldn't be much of a hassle to figure out which ones (plus, God knows there ain't many message boards OUT there to use).
I will ALSO say that out of every single board out there, the Death Valley Drivers site is, by far, the worst, most boring piece of crap out there. I went through over 150 THREADS on that site and barely found TEN quotes that the mass audience might enjoy. Looking for a board to post at? Don't go there. It's about as inviting as your grandmother's chooch.
Oh, and whoever runs the Lords of Pain board... how about you f*cking drop some of those pop-ups, huh? I lasted about ten seconds there before I got fed up and bailed.
Okay, here we go...
"For me Survivor Series was maybe the best PPV of the decade so far."
"This decade's only two years old."
"The thought of that historic match gives me a wood that could only otherwise be brought on by Pam Grier and the decomposing corpse of Aaliyah showing up at my house for a blowjob competition."
"I'm generally afraid to speak to women I find attractive for fear of them not finding me attractive."
"Michaels can't do houseshows, there really was no reason whatsoever for the WWE to put the title on him. Oh wait, I remember the last company to put the title on someone who couldn't work houseshows, what were called? Oh yeah WCW, I wonder what happened to them?"
"Something, I think the WWe is starting to realize, is that the audience that made them big in tha attitude era, the young males, dont really listen to Heavy metal/Rock much. Rap and Hip hop are in, and up until now the WWE has done nothing to capitalize on it. They couldve done it with Dlo, with Booker, and especially with K Kwik."
"I'm going to go off on a Samoan/Indian tangent here. Look at the WWWF in the late 70's/early 80's. It was composed of a large percentage of Samoans and Indians. Now, the Samoan influence in the fed has continued, from Afa and Sika, to the Headshrinkers, to Flex, to the 3 minute warning. Now, where are the Indians? Not since Tatanka has Vince had an Indian wrestler. The reason: The Samoans are trying to hold the Indians down. Where will the future Youngbloods and Strongbows come from if the Samoans keep holding down the Indian talent."
"I thought Al Gore invented the Monkey Flip?"
"Guns is dead and has been for a long time. Axl is, was, and always will be an ass puppet. Thank you for your time..."
"Forget American politics; I want to see Warrior giving a speech at the United Nations HeadQuarters."
"I think characters like Outback Jack are great. They help teach us about other cultures, for instance, from Outback Jack, I learned most Australians have never seen an escalator before and get confused and frightened when trying to ride one. Funny, funny Aussies.
I want to hear Pacino call Kevin Spacey a F*ckin Kunt on Widescreen."
"How ironic is it for VINCE RUSSO to wear a mask and call himself Mr. WRESTLING?!"
"Where the hell is the Undertaker??? Did the baddest dog in the yard retire? I hope not because he is really missed. the quality of the Smackdown brand has gone to the dogs. Without the Deadman who else can take out the 500 pound monster, The Big Show. Any one with any information on The Big Evil please let me know. Any info would be critical to me. For me it`s like this, no Taker, no viewing."
"Triple H will not be cleared to return until he regains the ability to spit water."
"Sign New Jack & immediatley put him into a program with HHH."
"JR's shocking heel turn unfolds...'And I was the ONLY person who could make The Big Show Trade fair for SD! BY GAWD!'"
"the concept of "workrate" wasn't really an issue until the internet became widely available."
“Truth is, Benoit is one of the greatest wrestlers going, he will NEVER be a true main eventer because he CAN'T connect with the crowd the way a true main eventer does. Who is a true main eventer?? Angle, BROCK, Rocky, and as much as people, MYSELF INCLUDED, hate to admit it, HHH. Yes, Triple H, HHH, Hx3, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Jean Paul Levesque. I don't know what broadcasts of Raw other people are watching, but necrophelia or no necrophelia, HHH makes the crowd go "boo", and makes some of the crowd cheer. Whenever he comes out for his big enterance, people stand up. When I saw him at a house show kind of recently, the crowd went nuts."
"THAT is 'big star' Stiener? That disgusting fake-tan-orange mass of fake muscles with the goofy chain mail, THE most incoherant promos I've ever heard, catch phrases and sexual induendo that were outdated 10 years ago, and arm veins about one flex away from bursting, THIS is the guy they've been hyping for a month and will likely shoot up to the top of the roster? WCW watchers and veteran wrestling fans, please enlighten me; why am I supposed to give a damn about this guy?"
"If Buchanan comes out with the song 'I'm too sexy', I'm gonna piss my f'n pants."
"Wow, in every way possible, you suck..."
"Who wants to see my dick?"
"its interesting how wrestling has evolved so much, and develeped so many more moves and has become so much more entertaining. the wrestlemania 3 match, hogan vs andre, people say it is a classic. i found it BORING!! take that against say a match like raws main event. damn you cant compare, wrestling wise. look back fellas, i think youll find the same desicion."
"I for one can't wait for more awesome russoific Work/Shoot angles. You know, things that are supposed to be shoot, but are worked, but we are supposed to believed it's shoot.....but it's worked. Imagine what could happen next week: Double Jay gives Killings the stroke, but killings no sells it and "walks out" of the match, saying that he's sick and tired of being jobbed. Meanwhile, the announcers are screaming 'THIS IS NOT PART OF THE SCRIPT, THIS IS NOT PART OF THE SCRIPT!!'"
"Watts: No one comes off the top rope, no more mats at ringside and every one of you stays in the locker room till Bradshaw finishes hogtying and anally raping Nowinski, ya hear?"
"If anything, Steiner will become ANOTHER HHH or Nash who refuses to lay down for guys. I doubt he`s changed much since his WCW days where he was a loose cannon and was 100% stiff in the ring."
"I have a new girlfriend...She's 3 feet tall. I'm nuts over her!!!"
"To quote my mom who was watching - 'Who`s Mitch Russo?' People either have no idea who Russo is, hate his guts, or don`t give a f*ck about him. Then the 1% who like him. What a terrible mistake."
"I personally think HHH's larynx injury is all part of an evil plot to hold Ricky Steamboat down."
"What in God's name has happened to this place."
"Big Slow was brought in for 1m/year for 10 years. Vince will be kicking himself `til 2009. Shit, just writing that fills me with dread..."
"The whole thing was worth it just for Mike Tenay's reaction. 'HOLY SHIT! IT'S VINCE RUSSO!' God knows more than one wrestling fan has had that reaction regarding him being involved."
"I think Austin should be given a second chance. I'm sure he would put new guys over, and if he doesn't, then I'll gladly eat crow. But I don't think Austin is a monster, and he's not nearly as bad as Triple H is."
"Dick the Bruiser WAS the man. But today, it would be difficult. His gimmick was that he kicked the crap out of you. Period. Methodical. On the mat. Heart Punch. Stiff looking body slams. Running tackle."
"I`m not the biggest HHH fan, but even this amount of venom spewed out against the guy makes me wince. As far as being injury prone goes, I can see someone associating muscle tears, tendon / ligament damage, or broken bones with the 'juice', but the guy got his windpipe nailed by a falling 200+ pound man. Next thing, you`ll be saying that eye strain is a steroid related affliction."
"iam sorry if i offended anyone in the forums.....this is a new thing for me ,i apologize.......to have aa place to voice MY opinions...imso sorry......i might have gone alittle crazy , iam sorry..........but i dont call out anybody or start any trouble......i am sorry ,BUT as konnan put it:there is russian ,italian,and french,creamy.... those are dressings so all u haters can bow down toss my salad and peel my potatoes.......you MARKS"
"You call US marks, but you quote Konnan?"
"Personally, I don`t really care because nobody in their right mind who is going to watch the PPV should be on the net while the PPV is airing because you are bound to run into spoilers. Get off your ass and go find something else to do besides sit at the computer for 3 hours. Come back after you`ve seen the PPV or *gasp* even the next day when the talk has died down."
"you are an old fart if you remember there was wrestling before Vince. Sure we had to walk 6 miles in the snow uphill both ways but...wheez...cough...zzzzzzzz..."
"Also, as anyone who`s met the man at a convention will tell you, Peter David is a complete jerk."
"Who would have ever guessed that Jim Neithart would end up being the member of the last Hart Foundation that would be the one in the best shape in 2002. Pillman, Bulldog, Owen all passed on and Hitman life threatening accident. But Jim Neithart lives on!"
"You're supposed to screw a wrestler at the PPV, Vince! NOT THE FANS!!!"
"I don't think we really appreciate how good the WWE is right now. Sure it doesn't have all the big names that some would like to see but it definitly has most of them."
"Re-unify the World titles and put the belt on Brutus Beefcake. Do it now Vince while you still have a chance"
"I begged my parents to let me get Survivor Series 91, and they reluctantly agreed. After that I begged for Tuesday in Texas, but they weren`t about to go for that. F*ckin Tuesday in Texas."
"Anyone want to offer odds on Russo being the NWA-TNA champion sometime next year?"
"I got nothing, so I'de be the perfect writer for the WWE, as long as they don't mind spelling mistakes. Vince call me."
"Just thought I'd tell you guys, I love wrestling. To those people arguing on this board about hating WWE and liking it....I just think it's sad. To those who hate it, fine. Just stop LOOKING for reasons to hate it. It's masochistic what you guys are doing. I'm starting to believe you really want garbage to happen. To those who like it, don't listen when they say you take whatever WWE spoon feeds you. If they hate the wrestling they see, and you love it, who gets the better value out of that 34.95? You do. I love wrestling. I understand that some don't, but looking at this board....It's pretty sad how unhappy some of you really are."
"Bautista looks like a roided-up Pee Wee Herman. D-Von could've played the Laurence Fishburne cowboy character (with magic lasso) to complement him. The WWE missed a great opportunity to add them to the Smackdown tag team ranks!"
"When did Austin become a Triple H backstage. Just because he refused to participate in a poorly thought out Lesnar/Austin match on free television with zero buildup does not make him an asshole."
"Ok, well by that logic, if McMahon decided to dig up Owen Hart's body and have Lesnar do a job to he roting corpse, Lesnar should be all to happy to do so... RIGHT. Funny thing is Lesnar likely would... I love that guy."
"I'm halfway through Piper's book... and what a disappointment.Stories are poorly explained, dates are sparse, he bounces all over the place... there's just no meat on the bones of this book. Could be the worst wrestling autobiography by an '80s star since Arn Anderson's book."
"It's kind of funny, everyone claims Show is a slug who can't work. All the same people seem to claim that Stiener is a has been who can't perform in the ring. Yet last night, Stiener almost took the roof off MSG. And besides, some of the biggest stars of our time couldn't work, see Hogan, Hulk, or Taker, Under. I'm just sayin', is all."
"Kevin Nash used to get one of the biggest reactions in WCW. Nobody confused with him with a guy that sold tickets."
"are you trying to say Crash isn't a draw? I will not accept that!"
"Raw needs Gene Simmons dammit!"
"I think conventional smarts just hate main eventers... watch... Benoit is gonna win the world title one day and the backlash will be so brutal..."
"X-Pac and Chyna? Ugh. Just...Ugh. It's the unholy union of suck."
"EVERYTHING isn't HHH's fault, just most everything."
"Why do Saliva do so many themes? Every one of them suck. Including Jericho's new one."
"Seemingly since the day RVD came into the WWF, there have been reports of HHH complaining about RVD's sloppiness. Most of this board said that HHH was exaggerating for the sole purpose of holding RVD down, and onto his spot. Well, after coming close to dying from RVD's sloppiness, I think it's safe to say YOU WERE WRONG, HHH WAS RIGHT."
"So I`m watching TNA enjoying a very good show. The solid main event of Jarret vs Killings comes to an end. Mr. Wrestling III comes into the ring and starts applauding. The guy I was watching with said, 'That`s Vinny-Ru.' Oh crap, he was right. I`m sure gunna miss that NWA TNA."
"You can't compare Andre to Wight. Andre didn't work 200 dates a year, and was never expected to go fifteen minutes. Andre was NEVER off of his feet. NEVER. He was the unstoppable, immovable giant, and he was never expected to be anything else but that. He was just an attraction for the cards he was on, fed some jobbers while the other wrestlers worked on things like winning title belts. By the time that changed, he was in his late forties and Hogan got to be the one to finally do so damage to him. Maybe I'm wrong about a point or two above, but I think it's nearly correct if not 100%, so that should exclude Wight from the comparison."
"The three posts you have made are quite possibly some of the most retarded things I have ever read."
"Why does George Dubbya insist on attacking Iraq when they're halfway across the planet, but Mexico and Canada are right next door!"
"Apparently...... intelligence....... is...... measured..... with........ periods........"
True..... so.... f*cking..... TRUE.....
Okay, I’ve shot my wad for the week... overshot it, in fact. You kids ever lean back and actually CONSIDER how much work I do here? Ungrateful... pieces of...
Speaking of which, if I'm not here next week, then I'm on a holiday and won't be around for a while... not TOO long, but a while. If I'm here next week, you'll get the same sentence at the end of that column too.
And for those who know... there will be new content at that secret place this week. If you don't know, don't ask.
This is Hyatte