The Midnight News 12.02.02 

Posted By Hyatte on 12.02.02

Letters, Angle, Prime Time, Styles, Big Torch Expose, The All-American, Black and White Love, Rico, Flea, AIM Fun, Investigative Journalism with Ashish, and Honky 

Apple Knocker, Don't know what really to call you but you are and I quote "An ASS-CLOWN"!!!! You know nothing and should not be writing this report. You Knocked on every internet fan in the free world with your comments about Hogan being a super-hero. Listen I was part of that era and I'm not canadian and I'm I bigger fan then you will ever be. You are just an old fart still thinking Hogan is cool. The man looks like shit, HBK at least looks good. I hate people like you, you no why you like Hogan because you are a Mark!!!! You love Babyfaces, geez people like you make me puke!!! I bet these are you 5 favorite wrestlers in order, The Rock, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy, Brock Lesnar, And Edge....To me that is a pretty shitty list. You have no concept of what HBK brings to the table....We are not in Hulk land no more...A babyface that beats everyone up with 3 punches and a big leg drop is a thing of the past. You need to get you facts straight before you try to talk again...Till Next time Peace out you Ass-Clown. 

Frizost The Pimp (Your worst nightmare....A real Smark Fan!!!!) 

You forgot Nash. 

I do not think this guy's a real "pimp"... call me crazy. 

I'm sorry, but a "real Smark fan" could NEVER be one of my nightmares... let alone my worst. 

FYI - It's "insight" not "incite" the way it was being used (twice) in your last column, dumbass. 


Ahh shut the F*ck up... man's not allowed to make a mistake? 

Keep up the good work and bring us more Widro quotes. 

A fan. 

Ha!! After almost a decade online, Widro has FINALLY become interesting... ALL BECAUSE OF ME!!! I TOLD you Widro... I TOLD you I could do it. 

Oh, and I'm pretty sure that not only are you Chris Hyatte, but also Flea AND Scott Keith 


I could write like Scooter while standing on my head, that's no problem... but pulling off someone like FLEA... that would make me one of the greatest writers alive. 

Hyatte, I have to say that you write the most amusing and entertaining wrestling column I have ever read. Mind you, I don't usually visit other wrestling websites so I may be kind of biased. I was highly disappointed when you disappeared a couple of months back, but I'm glad to see you're writing again. I don't even watch wrestling anymore, but I try to surf 411wrestling to catch your column as often as I can. 

I think I must be a little on the S&M; side of things. You routinely bash Canadians (which I am) and women (which, again, I am). Actually, I take that back, you don't bash women, only the really ugly ones. However, here I am writing a fan letter to an Internet columnist who probably doesn't share any of my own views on anything, but I find hilarious all the same. 

And, of course, sight unseen, I would get your rocks off if the chance ever occurred. Just your writing style turns me on. 

You're now probably going to flame me in one of your columns, so if you have to quote me, quote this: "Sight unseen, I would get your rocks off if the chance ever occurred. The way you write turns me on." You can match that against the girl who wrote "im a girl and u seem cool. sorry if my english is bad. i hate english. its such a dum language". Tell all the guys that even girls over the age of 20 with decent writing skills think you're hot. 



I'll quote the whole thing, thank you. 

Now if THIS is a guy... then color me hoodwinked. 

I'm the Apple Knocker and this is the Ass Clown news. Howareya? 

Busy week with very little rasslin' news heh! 

Anywhoo.... let's get to it. 


No. Try as they might, the Torch Newsletter couldn't find a single person to badmouth the rat jap bastard. He works with younger guys, he's good to puppies, he doesn't consort with gay hustlers, he says no to drugs, he doesn't do blow.... nothing. 

This was a top Torch newsletter story too. 

Christ... slow week. 


Ever watch the Sunday afternoon football pre-game shows on FOX and CBS? I do. 

I am convinced... friggin' CONVINCED that one day, Deion Sanders is going to get into a huge fistfight with either Dan Marino, Boomer Esiason, or both. Watch them... you can see that not only do they all HATE each other... they want to f*cking KILL each other. 

Over on FOX, Terry Bradshaw hasn't acted the same since Chris Collinsworth was moved to play by play. He's toned down his down home schtick a LOT. 

And the day Howie Long tells or understands a joke will be the day my bird shits hundred dollar bills. 

That's it. 

HE'S GOT STYLES... HE'S GOT GRACE... HE'S GOT... oh I have no finish here 

NWA/TNA/ROH/ANDVETERANOFEVERYFRIGGIN'INDYFEDINEXISTENCE/and practicing Devout Catholic A.J. Styles did an interview with some British guy. Let's hope he reminded the guy just which country runs things and which country couldn't contain the colonies... lousy bad teeth Brits 

1) AJ was asked if he was gay for British people. 

Yep first time over and I’m pretty excited to be here 

2) AJ was asked if the rumors were true and he really thinks he fights crime with "The Human Torch", Johnny Storm of the comic book The Fantastic Four? 

The guy is great and I really appreciate working with him. 

3) AJ was asked for his life story starting when he first decided to become a wrestler... give us a detailed, no stone unturned biography 

After college I had a couple of friends who were really into wrestling. I told them if they ever found a place to train, I’d come up with them. Well I did, and they ended up leaving while I stayed, and the next thing I know I’m right here in the UK! 

4) AJ was asked why he thinks he can succeed in the sport of pro-wrestling, why he thinks promoters would use him. 

I'm white and I'm slow 

5) Knowing full well that the wrong answer could offend a wrestler whom he works with a LOT... offend him to the point where he might decide to cripple AJ if he doesn't properly kiss his ass, AJ was asked whom does he idolized. 

That’s easy. It’s the easiest question in the world. Without doubt it’s Jerry Lynn- he’s the man! I’m telling you, I learn from him every time I watch him. 

6) AJ was asked what his worst nightmare is 

everywhere I look Jerry Lynn Vs. A.J. Styles is headlining all the big Indy shows. Every Indy promotion that wants to make a name for them is looking to have Jerry Lynn and A.J. Styles at the top of the bill. 

7) AJ was asked why he didn't go work for the WWE. And could he possibly distort the reason into a love ode to his wife? 

I love her and as much as I screw up, I love this woman, you know? I couldn’t leave her to live in Cincinnati while I lived in Atlanta, no, I couldn’t do it to her. Her dream is to be a school teacher which she is now and I didn’t want to risk that dream. 

8) Who do you blame for not succeeding in the WWE? 

Its funny ‘cos they built up A.J. Styles as being above all this and that but when it came down to it- apparently they said I didn’t live up to it- which is all Internet of course. 

9) AJ was asked if he could discuss what happened during his first meeting with WWE Official Pat Patterson? 

it just rubbed me the wrong way, you know. 

10) AJ was told to now kiss ROH's ass a little 

Oh man, I love working for them. They’re phenomenal! I really do love working for them 

11) Now he was told to do the same with NWA/TNA... really work their asses here... nice and wet... go for it, mate! 

Just look at it. I mean, you’ve got Christopher Daniels, you’ve got Low-Ki, Jerry Lynn and you’ve got Red, “The Amazing” Red- who really is amazing! The list just goes on and on and on. I mean you’ve got the tag-team of The SATs who do the most phenomenal finishing move in professional wrestling, “The Spanish Fly.” And it keeps getting better and better. We’ve now got X-Pac, who some people say “I don’t like X-Pac”- well if you don’t like X-Pac then that means he’s doing his job! It keeps getting better and it’s not going to stop. I want them to think when they hear the words “TNA” they think “oh my god- it’s the best wrestling out there!” ECW set the tone, you know? For me to say we’re a WWE show would be wrong because we’re not. I want to go after the ECW-style crowd pleasing as it seems that the fans are going more that way anyway. I think overall, we’ve got a very good chance of being the next big thing. 

12) Is Russo the AntiChrist or will AJ blow off his strong Christian beliefs and kiss HIS ass too? 

People will turn around and say “Oh No! Vince Russo?!” but this is the same guy that put WWF on top, So he may have screwed up- I’m sure its not all his fault, you know? There were lots of people involved. Having him at TNA and with his ideas- I think is great. He works with us a lot and I’m not the best promo cutter in the world but he works with me and I think it’s great to have him around. 

13) Finally, AJ was asked how he got his revenge on that Jew Billy Kidman for killing Christ 

Yeah well I had used a shooting star press in one of my matches in WCW and Kidman came up to me backstage and basically told me not to use the move anymore because it was his. Now I hadn’t seen him use it before and he just kind of pissed me off. So I said screw this, I’m gonna show him and them what I can really do and modified the move to the “Shooting Styles Press”. I went out there and did the maneuver and pissed him off even more. I didn’t really care what he thought you know, I just went out there- did it and said “there- you try doing that 

There you go... wow.. he's creepy. 

1bob is where you can read the whole thing. 

WILL WRESTLE FOR FOOD!! (anal sex is FREE!!) 

Horrible, HORRIBLE title for such a cool story. I apologize to the party who must be under this header. Look at it this way: the headline will REEL THE BASTARDS IN, BABY!!!! 

Talk about one of the better ideas I've seen... ANYONE WHO WANTS TO WORK AS A WRESTLER, read this: 

Since opening it's cyber-doors on July 4, has become a quick contender in the world of "booking websites." To date there are 51 listings for wrestling talent on the site. We have talent of all shapes, experience, sizes, including one half of the Flying Elvis's tag team from NWATNA and former WCW wrestler, Tommy Gunn 

Unlike other booking sites collects no "finders fee" of any kind from people who have listings on the site. We don't even collect a monthly fee. In other words the site is free for wrestling talent and promoters to use. 

"Knowing that any payoff I get from getting booked is all mine makes all the difference in the world to me. Other places must think that there is alot of money in independent wrestling because the fee's they ask for is out of this world. To have a place for guys who don't have the experience and exposure of a Konnan or Disco Inferno is great!" This is just one of the many positive comments that are received from members of the site. 

One basic rule for all to remember. NO BACKYARD KIDS ALLOWED!!!! Get trained and then sign up. 

For more information and to sign up visit 

You want to quit f-ing around? You REALLY want to earn a living at this? Check out the site and give it a whirl. The site offers national and international placement. 

And thank me for the 411 (Haw! The wit) if you get work. The f**k... I slave for you people 

In fact, you OWE me, homo! You ALL owe me for years of blood and sweat. No, I'm not going to jam a worthless book down your throat or anything (not until I'm good and ready)... I'll just send you HERE. 

No, I don't want a shirt or a hat... bitch PLEASE... but the holiday season is coming... so buy a shirt from this place the guy promised a 50% cut of all profits made. Buy the Stiff Worker shirt for your girlfriend (HA! AS IF) and I supposedly get a cut... and if I don't... oh well, I lose nothing by doing this. 

You DO owe me, y' know. 


Oh man... where do I f-ing start? 

Okay, Keller was so jizzed about getting an interview with Hogan that you bet your ASS he sent the Torch Newsletters out on time. F-ing guy probably would've HAND delivered them if he needed to. 

That makes it a month of straight, timely service... coincidentally, it comes during a time when they had interviews with Sean Waltman AND Hulk Hogan. Wade's obviously very proud! Newsletter sales must be up. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE PRESS, WADE, BABY!!!!. 

Plus, along with part one of the big Hogan interview, both Wade AND Bruce Mitchell offered reviews... and here's a shocker... THEY WERE BOTH RAVES!!! 

No... that's not fair. Truth is, since Wade was the guy who actually pissed himself and got to interview Hogan... he was a little more glowing with his review... Mitchell glowed too... but both guys pointed out the bad parts of the book too. I'm not shocked from either... Wade must feel legitimatize for the first time and Mitchell... well, I get the feeling Bruce Mitchell walks around thinking: I'm Bruce F-ing Mitchell, I don't mark out for ANYTHING. Basically, however, both reviews were air and even handed enough, even though no one would have blamed Wade for fawning over the book after getting the interview. 

Plus, no BlowJob Bethel. Hopefully, Keller and Jason Powell are heeding my wise advice from last week. (which was, in a nutshell, if Bethel gets a newsletter column, I will make it my career to keep new readers away... and I'm big enough to do some damage). 

That's the GOOD points about the Torch Newsletter this week... it's worth a subscription. 

Now onto the BAD points... and Jesus H... there are a FEW... both website and Newsletter. 

1) Last week, I reported Wade's comments in the newsletter where he said: 

Rock vs Brock Lesnar is the most attractive single match WWE could offer at Wrestlemania mainly because those two have never faced each other before, but also because it pits their top star of the boom period against the person being groomed for the long-term spot right now. 

To date... Wade has not offered a correction, retraction, or explanation. He is ignoring the error. 

The worst part is that in Hogan's book review, Keller finds fault with the way Hogan "re-arranges facts and twisted the truth into something that makes him look better". Keller criticizes Hogan for doing something that HE did JUST ONE WEEK EARLIER. Come on Wade... that's a HUGE hypocrisy. THIS WILL NOT GO AWAY, MR. KELLER, SIR!!! I WON'T ALLOW IT!! 

2) Now, in the same issue, Jason Powell presented his annual "Turkey Awards" where he presents a "turkey" to the biggest "Turkey" in professional wrestling this year. Get it? Get it?? DO YA?? 

Anyway, no problem there... the guy can do what he wants... but do the Newsletter readers REALLY need to be subjected to Powell's attempts at COMEDY? 

This year, I took the turkey to lovesick Francine Fournier's trailer. I checked back 30 days later and, just as I expected, the turkey hadn't been eaten. It had been left sitting out all of that time, so I scraped off the mold and placed it inside the bird since it looked a lot like bad stuffing. Then the turkey was boiled in the fat that came out of Anna Nicole Smith's last liposuction. 


*SNIFF... sniff*... oh man Jason... you're so FUNNY... especially how you had to EXPLAIN that Francine never even TOUCHED the turkey... that it NEVER LEFT where you placed it? Oh... see, I'm a retard, I couldn't figure it out for myself... I needed you to oversell the bad joke... then there was that Anna Nicole Smith joke... oh Jason... excuse me, I mean oh HENNY!! How topical! How CUTTING EDGE! I am ROARING over here... Ho HO!!! 

The entire article is FILLED with this... 

Oh, and Vince got the Turkey... to be shared with Stephanie and HHH. 

4) and the laughs just kept coming last week... oh man... someone put the WHACKY JUICE in the staff's coffee!! Pat McNeil did a "rasslin' parody" where he... now get this... APPLIED RASSLER'S TO A FAMOUS COMEDY SCENE!!! Wow! And he even included a SONG PARODY!! Oh no... stop me before my head explodes from LAUGHTER!! 

Hey Pat... at some point while you were writing this... did you sit back, laugh heartily, and say: Wow, this stuff is WRITING ITSELF!!!! I bet you did. 

It was an old Monty Python skit, by the way. Gee, a wrestling fan who loves Monty Python? Will f-ing wonders ever cease? 

All of that is forgivable. McNeil is a first class geek. Always has been. He looks like one and writes like one. I'm sure he went through his teens spending MANY a Friday and Saturday night watching Monty Python. 

But then... one day later, McNeil posted ANOTHER column filled with NOTHING BUT FAN MAIL! Nothing but letters telling him how funny he is... how hilarious his bit was... how much of a goddam RIB TICKLER he is. 

Dude... Jesus H F-ing Crap... go out... get laid... if you have a girl already, bang her silly... get drunk... get stoned... go do something cool.... because posting a column with nothing but FAN MAIL is just about makes you the ULTIMATE LOSER. Are you so DESPERATE to get over? What is your PROBLEM, man? That's just a total dickhead move... basically, you shoved your self-assumed skill down everyone's throat and screamed, See? See?? I'm so FUNNY!! EVERYONE says so!! Jesus, not even Scooter does that. 

And by the way people... ALL OF YOU... please, listen to me on this one time. I know, I know... I suck and have no real talent myself... but please... heed my words this... one... f-ing time... 


Get me? Song parodies are for RADIO... because you have to HEAR THEM... if you have to READ them... they are completely POINTLESS and totally the OPPOSITE of getting anywhere even NEAR amusing. They do not WORK STOP IT, YOU DUMB FUCKS!!! 

Here's another one... ready? 


Those are to be presented VISUALLY... on a SCREEN... with rassler's ACTING OUT THE SAME MOVES AS THE PEOPLE THEY ARE PARODYING. That is the ONLY way to make it work. NOT IN WRITTEN TEXT!! NOT AS A FUCKING SCRIPT!!! 

Helps if you have a smidge of comedy IN you too... but not always. 

Jesus... I have to explain EVERYTHING to you fucking losers 

Anyway, get the Torch Newsletter... because one of these days, Keller and co. will see that I only mean to help them get better and better and run Meltzer into the ground. 


They say a proper eulogy can only come through memories... here are mine: 

"I'm starting to think you like to call us boys, because you want to do some sexual, if that is so, your sick dude. Now, I'll invite you down here to my Uncles Center in Tampa Bay and make a man out of you. You don't use the term "boys" unless you are one of them. I can surely tell you are not one of the boys. Listen, if your ever in the Tampa Bay area, or in the North East when I'm there lets arrange a shot fight. I'll pop you like a pimple you son of a bitch. And I don't really care that your gay, I just think it is very funny." 

"Damn, your gay. Listen man, you might write a better column if you take your dads d*ck out of your ass" 

"So how the hell have you gotten such a large ego? When most people waste 5 minutes out of their day to read one of your columns, they get the image of a fat 25 year old gay virgin typing away at the computer. The fact is that if I got you in a street fight or in teh ring for that matter me and my guys would whop your ass." 

"DAMN, you suck" 

"You should f**king stick 411 right up your ass, you bitch." 

" The fact is that this 150 pound body is tougher than your ass will ever be." 

"Your a flaming homosexual whose ass I would love to fight. You don't have your column anymore gay boy, why don't you fight back like a man this time" 

"Your such a homosexual. Where the hell do you live? I want to fight your ass later in the summer, I'm looking for a fight. My roaddawg Madd Matt Storm wants you to get a partner for a little tag team action" 

"Man, it must suck to be a flaming homosexual, you fu*king jackass. I'll kick your ass the next time I'm in the area, then I'll rape your daddy." 

"The All-American" Jeff Peterson: 1981-2002 

What am I going to say? Not much. Didn't know him, didn't care about him. He had cancer for the longest time and vented some of his rage at me. That's cool... actually it was flattering. Glad to have helped. Hell, I bet he kind of liked it for a while. Might have been the greatest kid who ever walked, might have been an asshole... the hell should I know? I'm not going to expound with empty, meaningless platitudes. 

Here, Bob Magee gave him a send-off... if you want to know who the kid was, read this: 

Now... the OLD me would have said something like "one down"... or "Hey, Scaia, you're next!"... or use it as a warning to ALL (that means YOU, Scooter) not to mess with me. The OLD me would have said something like "What, I TOLD you I was a Web GOD!!"... yeah, the OLD me would have been all over that... but I'm older now... more seasoned... wiser... more sympathetic. 

The kid was fun to fight with and... wait!! hang on... I'm getting a message: 

"Dude, talking about people being dead, I was fu*king your dead mom last night. Damn, she was good." 

Well shit.... looks like the kid gets the last laugh... good for him. 

If he plans on haunting me, could he please ask my Mom where she hid her wedding ring?? I want to get some coke for the weekend and am low on funds. No, I already dug up the casket and checked... nothing but gold fillings there... and a little bit of her vag... I cut it out and sent it to Scaia so he could practice. 

Man... as is always the case, after I talk about dead wrestlers, I always have the need to talk about Black people! 


Someone told me about this site... you have GOT to check it out... it's got PICTURES!!!! 

I'm Johnny 

I'm Sally 

Welcome to our website: Black People Love Us! 

We are well-liked by Black people so we're psyched (since lots of Black people don't like lots of White people)!! We thought it'd be cool to honor our exceptional status with a ROCKIN' domain name and a killer website!! 

We hope you think we're as awesome as the Black community does!!: 

- "Sally loves to touch my hair! She always asks me how I got my hair to do this. That makes me feel special. Like I have magical powers!" 

- "Johnny calls me 'da man!' That puts me at ease. It makes me feel comfortable, because I am Black and that's how Black folks talk to one another." 

- "Johnny always says: 'I'm not racist; one of my best friends is Black!' I think he might mean me!" 

- "ally always says things that make me feel special, like: 'You're so cool, you're different, you're not like other Black people!'" 

- "Sally's always saying: 'You go girl!' while 'raising the roof' to mainstream hip-hop tracks at cheesy bars. That's fun! I relate to that." 

- "Sally and Johnny are always going on and on about how Tiger Woods changed the face of golf, and the Williams Sisters changed the face of tennis! On and, almost for too long!" 

- "Sally and Johnny love my hat!!" 

Our White friends just don't get it!!: 

- "It's crazy-Black people really do seem to love them!!" 


Hi! Lot's of people are writing in. We don't really get it, but here's what everyone is saying. THANKS!! 

That websites a joke right? If not I have to say I'm sort of appalled and EMBARRASSED by what I'm reading here. You make a WEBSITE dedicated to the fact that you happen to have black friends? Let me ask you this, if you think that having black friends is novelty enough that you'd make a corny poorly designed website dedicated to it.... you're singling out black people as somehow being different enough that it's strange for whites to befriend them. That as far as I'm concerned is a form of racism. By the way, the pictures that you've plastered all over your site are ridiculous. Unless this is in fact a joke site, I feel that you've basically eliminated all your credibility. -Arkera 

I enjoyed this eye opener, so I sent it to a few of my friends. Keep it going. God Bless! I swear, if one more white person says that they want to touch my hair, I am gonna puck a f*ckin mousetrap in it so their f*ckin hand gets caught in it... 

This has to be a joke. You guys are the biggest bunch of f*ckin' idiots I've ever seen. White people like you are the worst kind. You know nothing about the history and don't connect with black people on a level of humanity, but rather on the basis of race. Get a book and a clue too. I'm not going to waste anymore energy on you pathetic losers! - A black person who doesn't think you dumb asses "are so cool" 

Bamboozled anyone? To take this as a joke, is not funny. Some people really think that you are for real. I just hope you are not people of color,doing this. Yes we all knows how racisms work is this country and AROUND THE WORLD To make fun of it,,just lets people off the hook. The way the world is today, you would think you could be a little bit more sensitive. Some group of people are tried of being the butt of jokes. Yes some white people have been given the power to say and do what they want, to anybody. I love to laugh at jokes but not if it's about making someone else feel bad or less like. If this is to educate, than lets do it with all groups and lets hear how stereotypes is done with other people. This world is not just made up of black and white people. - Beatrice Y 

i dont like the fact that you make fun of a serous topic in todays society i can understand what your trying to do and it is very funny but i think its not exactly right coinsidering african americans has been picked at and abused enough i think all we need now is understanding. - nicole 

You all are grown and should be ashamed of yourself. Racism is only too real to African-Americans without some idiots like yourselves making a mockery of it (or any personal experiences we may have had). Grow up, get a job and educate yourselves. - Lisa 

Black People Love 

Okay, all the letters I posted were flames... there are TONS of others from people who actually GOT the parody. 

Go to the site... understand what they're doing... then go out and hug a brother... or give them money... if there are none around (white bread suburban F*CKS!!) find a Jew and hug HIM... or find a Native American and hug HIM... then ask if you can marry into that casino racket they've got going (God bless 'em for it) 


Someone interviewed "WWE Superstar" (*coughbullshitHACK*) Rico! Only God knows why. I pulled a few cuts: 

1) How is Rico doing? 


2) Rico recently went to India with the company. Could he describe what it was like? The grandeur, the majesty, could he reach deep into his soul and pull out the POETRY needed to describe such a foreign, exotic place? 

Well when I first got there it was kind of like, well India is India... 

My God... "India is India...?" That's the best he can do? 

3) Rico, tell us about your first night in India! In front of the crowd!! Of Indians!! 

the first night I'm like 'Oh my Gosh, what's going to happen' So I walked out through the curtain, with the old Billy and Chuck music playing, I come out, raise my arms, and they started cheering! I'm thinking that I don't think they know what's going on, I don't think they understand the storylines. 

He's a LIAR!!! He's LYING!!! No one says the word "Gosh" out loud! NO ONE 

4) Rico... tell us how you learned to be tolerant... tell us about how all Indians are just like you and me. The tour was to promote world peace... do you're part to help us all make the world a more blended.. refined melting pot. 

They all speak English, so I walk to the ring, did my little 'wipe the arms, fix the hair, and check the sideburns, take my coat arm and shake my arms' and they all yell out "RRRICO SUCKS, RRRICO SUCKS"(accent), and their accent was hilarious 

Their accent was hilarious.... oh man, someone drop the bombs now, please... all of them. 

5) Rico... the WWE had two guys get married, only to make it into a giant F-You to Gay activist groups who were suckered into thinking this was a legit thing to be treated sensitively. How stupid are these gay people? 

I was just in the office the Tuesday we left for India and GLAAD had given us a gravy bowl award, which is like their award, that says "Congratulations...etc." "Thank you from GLAAD", so I guess we didn't offend them 


6) Rico... what do you say to Net writers who gave the gay wedding a bad, no, HORRIBLE review... like Scott Keith? 

I didn't hear any bad reviews on it. 

Hmm... he doesn't read Scooter? Gosh... color me whatever the opposite of "surprising" is 

7) Finally... Rico tell us... why does Raw SUCK and Smackdown NOT? And be honest for once... no one EVER gives straight answers here... 

Smackdown to me is a little less stressful, because it is taped. And you have to keep to your time limits, but if you go over, or something happens they have the magic of editing, before it is aired. As for RAW, it's live, so to me there is a little bit more pressure that you're under to perform live, you don't get a second chance. It's a one shot deal, you don't have the magic of editing, to take something out, a word out, or something out. It's done live, so there is a little more pressure. That's what I would say the difference is 

Ahh, it's the EDITING!! AHA!! Not HHH, not Stephanie... the EDITING! Of COURSE why didn't I think of that before? 

Go to 1bob for the rest of the interview 


The following excerpts from a recent phone call is 100% true... I made nothing up: 

Hyatte: Why wouldn't they let you play piano in the lobby? 

Flea: Those c*cksuckers, I was about to play the greatest song of all time too 

Hyatte: Billy Joel's "Piano Man"? 

Flea: No! F*CK THAT NOISE!!! 

Hyatte: Umm, something from Elton John? 

Flea: No, no, no. those motherf*ckers. 

Hyatte: Well then who.. 


Hyatte: What? The f*ck are you yelling at me for? 

Flea: Oh here it is. Good times. 


Hyatte: I thought you had a "redneck Jew lawyer" to chase them away 

Flea: They're back, those motherf*cking c*cksuckers. I'll throw some money at them and they'll go away. 

Hyatte: Yeah, I guess that'll do it. 

Flea: ... 

Hyatte: Hello? 

Now, picture yourself completely under water. You're running out of breath fast. You're drowning. Suddenly, from the surface, someone sticks a coffee stirring straw... a little, teeny, tiny stirrer. Now, imagine the deep, pathetic sound you would make sucking air out of that pitiful stirrer for dear life... that's what I heard 

Hyatte: Whoa 

Repeat sound... followed by a desperate gasp 

Hyatte: Jesus Christ kid 

Flea: *ahhhh F*ck yeah 

Later still: 

Hyatte: So that's how I single handidly invented the question mark. 

Flea: ... 

Hyatte: Yo? 

Flea: ... 

Hyatte: Hey asshole! 

Flea: This hotel room has flowered patterns on the wall. 

Hyatte: Yeah? 

Flea: One of them looks like the fingers of a dead baby. 

Hyatte: okayyy 

Flea: I gotta go. See you la...*click 

This is a man who just retired... at age 30. 

My God in Heaven. 


I was hoping to give this a rest for a while... spread a little Christmas CHEER and all that... goodwill towards man et al... BUT.. 

Last week, I let everyone take a look at CRZ and his (sillyc*ntofa) girlfriend who has now evolved to his fiancé. You'll notice, I didn't say a word... nor did I encourage anyone to say anything. 

No, I simply sent out a By God OLIVE BRANCH to the giddy new couple... let EVERYONE revel in their joy... I mean, the guy did post the picture on a loser tOa message board that hasn't seen a single new reader in 7 years... (and, as I will show you in a minute, the new ones who do try it out are CHASED AWAY). I was just doing in the spirit of good cheer! 

Then things went horribly wrong: 

I took a look at that pic you linked to of that guy and his fiancée and it made me wonder. Are all Internet writers fat white guys with long stringy hair and acne?- 

All but two. Hiya and Josh Grut is a handsome fella too. 

I've often wondered what you guys looked like, but after seeing that picture I was a little concerned. I'm sure that you are a vision of manliness, but have you seen the rest of them? Do they all look like that?- Ché 

Pretty much, yeah. 

Which one's which?- Sara 

Oh... now wait a minute... 

Holy sh*t, dude. I just clicked the link to look at the pic of CRZ and his new fiancée, and I have a question …which one’s Zimmerman, and which is the chick?- Ultraman 

Aw... now come. That's not nice. 

Hey Hyatte I saw the pic of CRZ and his Finance, but my only question is; Which one in the pic is CRZ? The blond right- Chopz 

Yeah... now stop this. 

He's new ol' lady aint that bad, I mean, I haven't seen her in person, but I would let her suck my nutz- Bud 

Okay, that's not bad. Obviously, CRZ is a lucky man! 

Thanks for the CRZ pic. I can't tell which is the girl, but I'd sodomize either of them. The brunette is fucking hot!!- Tony 

Yeah she... NOW STOP THIS!!! 

Good's the same person, only one has a really bad orange-blonde dye job. I thought it was against the law to marry yourself?- Gregg 

Ohh... this is not going as I hoped 

They are gonna have the ugliest f*cking kids.- Ian 

*sigh... I did not mean for this to happen. 

Hey Hyatte, how old is that bastard CRZ?? He reminds me alot of Tiny f*cking Tim 

Well okay... THAT'S true. 

I was curious to see CRZ's silly c*nt's picture you mentioned in your column, but when I clicked the link all I got was a picture of Meatloaf hugging like Bette Midler or something. 

HAW!! HAWHAW...oh, I mean... NOT NICE!! STOP THIS NOW!! 

Thanks for that freaking picture first thing in the morning. I think my corneas have fused together looking at Cousin It and a woman who looks like she's been dick-whipped by so many packages she should be a human piñata. I would have written you sooner but I had to clean French Vanilla coffee off my Mac.- John 

Oh she does NOT... that's HORRIBLE.... 

I apologize for this... this was not what I wanted. I...I.. I swear. 

Meanwhile, one guy saw what was happening, made a post on that site... and was given a first hand look at internet douchebaggery at it's finest: 

So, I went over to the tOa board see the pic of CRZ and his gf and read some of the posts. Now, I never post stuff. Just don't see the need, but someone made a comment that I wanted to add to. I didn't flame anyone. Didn't take a single shot. Wasn't trying to be an asshole. I just asked a simple question that hinted towards you and that was it. As completely harmless as I could. 

Within minutes, someone accused me of being YOU. As if no one but you would even dare try to defend you. Oh man, I laughed so hard. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say you're so right. All these message boards are filled with nothing but petty little losers so wrapped up in their own insignificant universe that they refuse to even consider a unique opinion. They really are just lemmings. 

Think I can convince Zimmerman (who I like, by the way, and wished him many successes in a follow up post) to help me sell them some snake oil? I think if he tells them to buy it, they will. 

I'll keep looking for a decent message board where I can have friendly debate. You know, like they are SUPPOSED to do. I believe you now, tOa is NOT it. 

Thanks for letting me rant. 

Ron Haven 

Yeah, no problem. Nice going f*ckheads. Real slick move there you bunch of paranoid pillowbiters. 

I swear... I don't think ANYONE other than me wants new readers. They just want to hang out with their friends and act like someone other than me is paying attention to them. 


As some of you can attest, even King Hyatte can get cranky... or as my dearly dead used to say snippy (but Mom thought her tits were possessed by the ghost of Mama Cass and kept asking me if I her breast milk tasted like ham with extra mayo... no ma, it tastes like stale gorilla piss, just like always) 

Anyway... one fine Saturday morning... the last one we had, in fact, I was shit deep into a major writing session with all cylinders firing at once. I had the AIM going in case important business sprouted up. I left an EXPLICIT message not to be disturbed... and I was cranky... so this happened: 

Camaro3425 (11:05:55 AM): hey man 

Auto response from Hyatte1com (11:06:01 AM): I must be busy writing something brilliant. Chances are, I'm also researching something for said piece of brilliance. Please, please, PLEASE, allow my skills to shine brightly UNFETTERED by whatever banality you were planning on pestering me with. 

Camaro3425 (11:07:05 AM): sorry to bother you. i just had two questions. 1. what is that site that talked about the private life of movie stars? 2.Is your old radio show archived on the net anywhere? thank you 

Hyatte1com (11:11:15 AM): is this Mahuad 

Camaro3425 (11:11:24 AM): no 

Camaro3425 (11:11:35 AM): names mike 

Hyatte1com (11:11:55 AM): hmmph... too bad, I like Carlos 

Camaro3425 (11:12:04 AM): ok 

Hyatte1com (11:12:09 AM): 1: Go look for it, I'm very, very busy 

Hyatte1com (11:12:15 AM): 2: No 

Camaro3425 (11:12:17 AM): sorry 

Hyatte1com (11:12:33 AM): If it's in the news, the link is there, daddio 

Hyatte1com (11:12:42 AM): sniff around and ye shall find 

Camaro3425 (11:12:56 AM): u live in RI right? do u get involved in any local wrestling 

Hyatte1com (11:13:35 AM): Yes, I watch NEWA on cable access and laugh at 99% of the workers 

Camaro3425 (11:13:47 AM): its pretty sad up here 

Camaro3425 (11:14:16 AM): is there a pic of scott keith online? i can just imagine how bad he looks 

Hyatte1com (11:15:27 AM): am I your travel agent? 

Camaro3425 (11:15:47 AM): i hunted through yahoo and couldnt find a thing 

Hyatte1com (11:15:55 AM): am I your travel agent? 

Camaro3425 (11:15:58 AM): are u a big reader of all these new garbage wrestling books 

Camaro3425 (11:16:00 AM): yes sir 

Hyatte1com (11:16:30 AM): wrong 

Hyatte1com (11:16:57 AM): now please, I am having a deep chat with my creative muse... read the away message and comprehend it 


After a few e-mails and a close inspection... my nose for news started to SNIFF!!! 

From The 411 NEWSBOARD!!!: 

Update On Status Of Bret Hart 

Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery. 

Posted By Ashish on 11.25.02 


Hyatte1com (10:26:31 PM): did you get "heat" from that 411 news thing on Bret hart recovering from being hit by a car and is "on the road to recovery"? 

Ashish (10:27:14 PM): huh? 

Hyatte1com (10:27:46 PM): Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery. Posted By Ashish on 11.25.02 

Hyatte1com (10:28:19 PM): You wrote that on purpose... didn't you 

Ashish (10:28:33 PM): wrote what on purpose 

Hyatte1com (10:28:59 PM): Bret Hart continues to make progress after suffering a stroke back in June. Hart is now able to drive a car again which is a very positive sign and shows that he is on the road to recovery. 

Ashish (10:29:13 PM): what about it 

Hyatte1com (10:29:26 PM): you DO realize how funny that is, right? 

Ashish (10:29:35 PM): no 

Hyatte1com (10:30:05 PM): oh come on... it's a great pun 

Ashish (10:30:11 PM): ok 

Okay... it was UNINTENTIONALLY funny... even so, my nose was STILL, while I had him: 

Hyatte1com (10:30:35 PM): where was Friday's news report? 

Ashish (10:30:52 PM): i was kind of sick so I didn’t do it 

And then he left... 


This has been another installment of CHRIS HYATTE: WRESTLING JOURNALIST. Courage. 


Well, Ashish does. And he posted it at 411's MOVIE SECTION 

1) Die Another Day: $46.29 ($101.6 million). Alone, Pierce Brosnan's Bond movies have already made over half the money of every other Bond film combined... somewhere, Roger Moore is weeping... but that might be because he has a big juicy one rammed up his bunghole. 

2) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: - $45.8 million ($200.2 million). Sweet Jesus... IN THREE WEEKS??? 

3) The Santa Clause 2: - $17.2 million ($113.9 million) I'd like to see a copy of that contract Tim Allen signed with SATAN... boy is MUCH too lucky. 

4) Treasure Planet - $16.5 million ($16.5 million). WHAT? How come this isn't reviewed? WHY ISN'T JACOB ZIEGLER ALL OVER THIS??? 

5) Adam Sandler's 8 Crazy Nights: - $15.1 million ($15.1 million). #5? I thought the Jews RAN Hollywood? They couldn't cook the books here? 

6) Friday After Next: - $11.03 million ($25.6 million). Ya know, of all the NWA Playas... I picked Eazy E to be the one to break into movies. Boy, is my face red 

7) Solaris: - $9.45 million ($9.45 million). A Sci-Fi love story! How come all the Trekkies and Lucas Fans didn't FLOCK to this date movie? Oh... wait... 

Meanwhile, Extreme Ops tanked out HUGE. I guess the marketing tag: This time, we fight BACK! didn't fool people into thinking extreme snowboarders were about to take out Usama 


Pat Brower does Velocity. I do Puerto Rican slobbettes in the shitter... there are two ways to read that, and they both are pretty damn accurate 

Chris Pankonin recaps Heat in what looks to be ten minutes worth of work... can’t say that I blame him. But it looks like Raven is trying very, very hard to make the show unique... why they aren't using him more is CRIMINAL. 

Eric Stibbons is back with a Confidential recap of a repeat!!! Aren't they ALL repeats now? 

Raywat Deonandan doesn't need a gimmick as he talks about the WWE Effect in BORNEO... that's in Malaysia... where he's touring. Why? And where's Malaysia again? And who names their kid "Raywhat"? I bet he's an interesting fellow. 

Is John-Peter Trask a deadly, yet seductive villain found creating over-dramatic HELL for the good citizens of Daytime TV? No? WELL WITH A NAME LIKE THAT, HE SHOULD!! This is his third part, DETAILED history of the WWF World Title With PICTURES!!! 

Daniels is a "fat lazy slob with nothing better to do with his time" no, really, he says it! He wants e-mails too... so e-mail the bastard. 

Okay, let's finish things up with by returning to the land of chocolate pleasures... ever-shifting waves of free thought... and plenty o' fishsticks... in other words: 


He's here, he's mouthy, and he knows what's right, what's wrong and isn't afraid to say it. Try it for a month it's only $5. He also does shoot interviews and holds chats all the time. 

Been some time since we've visited. He's been railing off, folks... RAILING!! 

1) on Saturn and DDP: 

Word is Perry Saturn and DDP have been released from WWe. Perry Saturn is a great talent that was never used properly. He is dedicated and is a hard worker. He came from Killer Kawalski's school the same time as HHH. I hope HHH did not have anything to do with Perry not getting a break. Just shows how WWe isn't as much of a genius as all the suck ups say. 

DDP was another story. This wrinkled up piece of head cheese brought nothing to the table as I have stated before. He was on some huge contract and never produced a f*cking nickle. Talk about a lose on an investement! 

Who the f*ck is the Genius anyway? 

2) on Jerry Lawler: 

Inside sources now tell me Jim Ross wishes he had never pushed so hard for Lawler's return. Since the return of Lawler, the commentating and the ratings has gone from bad to just f*cking horrible. Look for Lawler to be pink slipped soon. 

3) on Jerry Jarrett: 

Saw an interview with Jerry Jarrett. I must say as I was reading it, I wanted to puke. Jerry Jarrett is so full of shit. If everything was so lovely with his promotion, then why haven't they given out the numbers? Why in the hell did they sell part of the "Hillbilly Federation" and what were the numbers they represented to the poor bastards who were rooked into buying something dead? 

Jarretts latest thing is to give profits from this coming show to charity to help the tornado victims in Tennessee. Will we now find out what the profit is from one of their shows? How much do you think these chiselers are giving up? 

Wasn't so long ago, Lawler (who was partners with Jarrett for 30 years) sold the Memphis territory to some goofs in Lawler's favorite place, Cleveland, OH. These marks paid $750,000 for a place that was drawing less than 100 people a show. Off course when they found out the real numbers, they sued the old kink. 

4) And finally... Shawn Michaels: 

The ratings are in on The Showstopper Michaels. They are in the toilet folks and I think I mentioned it before that HBK can't draw flies with a mouth full of sh*t. In his first big title defense since becoming the bad back, headed to the wheelchair champion of the WWe, the ratings fell from the previous week. This tells me and everyone else with a functioning brain, that Michaels as the champ is as dead as Kelsey's nuts. 

Nice to see he's still kicking up shit. 

Oh.. oh man... I'm beat. Long column... loooong column. I always sit down with NOTHING to write about.... yet every week, I pull MORE magic out of my ass... 

Speaking of which, if I'm not here next week, then I'm on a holiday and won't be around for a while... not TOO long, but a while. If I'm here next week, you'll get the same sentence at the end of that column too. 

And for those who know... there will be new content at that secret place this week. If you don't know, don't ask. 

Eric, Grut, Ashish, Flea, and all week long. 

I'm going to stare at my hands now... stare and marvel at what they do. MARVEL!!! 

This is the Apple Knocker