The Midnight News 05.19.03 

Posted By Hyatte on 05.19.03

Whoops, I think I put this in the News Board! My Mistake... Canadian Outrage, Booze, a Mini Mop-Up, Missy, Chasey Lane Wants You, Where is Flea Anyway, Hogan Takes the Stand, The Last Song Parody, Message Boredom, and a Few Tidbits About Me 

Guys like Hyatte are not columnists. If they have something to offer - post it on a message board.

Take it from me… when you need flame mail and a lot of it, drop a few remarks about everyone’s favorite red-headed step-child of a nation: CANADA

Fisrt Americans have never had to save Canada ever in their existence as no one has ever been angry with Canada. If you have examples site them and make them real, not your mouthy bullshit And second and most important be pissed with the fuckin Asians for SARS and bringing it here. For some reason we'll let the idiots live here since they hate their own country and they don't need medicals or anything before they



Ahem… well, were it not for America, Canada would be siege heiling their motherhosing ASSES off, eh.


Like when exactly? The Great Toronto War of 1922? No wait...when the russians invaded Saskatoon in 1936? Or during the rise of communism in Moose Jaw in 1924? I get it...when the nazis occupied Halifax during WWII. Geez Hyatte, when you mock canadians, try to find something better. The states never helped Canada because we're never in trouble. The last war in Canada was 4 centuries ago. But when we refused to help you during this silly made up war against Iraq, you whine like bitches. NOW we were important, huh!? 

Dave Gagnon

I don’t seem to recall anyone… BITCHING about Canada not helping us dethrone Saddam. We were too busy giggling at your defiance.

Oh and I live in Canada. The SARS jokes are so two weeks ago now. They don't even talk about it on the news now. We're back to talking about no news or about top American stories because nothing ever goes on here. We're kinda like Delaware, I guess.


John C.

It was not us who gave you SARS It was some chicken fucker for China that starred the SARS outbreak BTW War of 1812 ring a bell


No, why should a little war from 200 years ago ring a single bell? Jesus, talk about reaching DEEP.

Ironic that “Blackie” lives in a place where all the black people are shipped… usually to Detroit.

Hey Fuck Head, Explain to me how the "Americans Saved our Assess FEW THOUSAND TIMES" If I remember correctly, we were the only country to have invaded your wonderful land, burn down the White House, then leave right after because we were bored. Americans like you give your country a bad name. Do some research before you open your mouth bitch. Oh...and your mother doesn't swallow....fix that. 


Darryl- Ottawa

Well, we never saved your “assess”… wouldn’t know how to save a verb… didn’t even know a verb was a physical thing in need of rescuing… only in Canada.

Second, I suppose you are referring to… heh… “Blackie’s” mention of The War of 1812. Well, I really can’t believe you fine folks are tossing THAT at me… like it’s the only thing you have… a skirmish from about 200 years ago when we, America, were still recovering from FREEING ourselves from the grasp of Britain, TEARING ourselves from the iron (yet oddly fleshy and soft) grip of tyranny and antiquated concepts of Kings, Queens, and Royal boobery. Canada struck us at our weakest… when we were young babes who just recently pulled ourselves away from our Mother’s teet… we were just learning how to walk, nay CRAWL down the path of greatness and glory… then you clowns jumped us from behind, threw a few rocks at us from behind trees, and tore ass back up North to drink Moosehead and sire the bloodline that would eventually produce Tom Green. You call that a victory? A CHECK IN THE WIN COLUMN???????

Oh, and my Mom doesn’t swallow because her esophagus has disintegrated. Being dead for 9 years will do that to a gal.

I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. I would ask what’s happening but that might give you the impression that I care. Can’t be having that.

Look, I’m gonna be honest… this won’t be a great column this week. It’ll be fast, short, and fast and short. I’m still busy with real life so… well, these columns will happen from time to time. Be warned.

I’m serious, yo. This week is all about half assing it. I’ve even blown off proofreading and spellchecking… you ain’t paying me, motherfukka


Oh I do miss the Jokeman

Anyway, recent reports have surfaced that hint that alcohol, that NON-ADDICTIVE (hey, Scott Keith knows this kind of stuff) beverage of adults, may be having a rather NEGATIVE effect on a couple of big time rasslin’ stars!! Well, ONE big time rasslin’ star and Arn Anderson.

It seems that Austin has been drinking beer lately… oh yes, now that’s the hard hitting news you all know and LOVE here at 411!! But reports say that he’s been drinking a lot… a ton… too damn much. He’s getting hammered… constantly.

See, Austin came back and was all fired up for one more HUGE run… his neck had other ideas… his neck told him that he should’a stayed home. No more big, huge runs for Austin. It’s over, homeboy. So now Austin’s walking around backstage with all these other young, healthy bucks who he KNOWS he can take over his knee and spank . Instead, he has to sit there and watch them work while he can’t. So, he gets drunk.

Plus his first ex-wife is in England with his kids… so he never gets to see them… he loves his kids… it’s the mouthy ex-wives that irritate him… not his kids.

Plus Triple H calls him late at night all the time and mocks him. That’s gotta hurt.

Plus, while the Rock is busy being the next Steven Seagal, his one Hollywood connection, Don Johnson, was caught smuggling large amounts of American dollars into some European country. Les Moonves isn’t ringing his phone off the hook demanding Jake Cage: The Series, and Vin Diesal is cornering the market on all tough guy/bald action roles. So Steve’s got a lot to toast.

Meanwhile, Arn Anderson has taken to running around all boozed up and screaming, “I HAVE SADDAM HIDING IN MY ASSHOLE!!!” He’s also firing everyone left and right for no reason. The WWE knew he had a problem when he tried to fire Stephanie from the writing staff: I juss taklked to Dushty, Your out of here, sugar tits! He also has been seen declaring himself the new King of France and calling for the head of Johnny Depp. God knows why.

Moral of the story: Beer makes everything funnier.


well, that sucked… 

The title, not the PPV… the PPV was okay, I guess.

I didn’t have time (i.e. too damn busy) to hire (i.e. make up) someone unique (i.e. a lame stereotypical character) to recap the PPV (and why are you coming HERE for match results anyway?)… so I tjought I’d do this quick… MOP-UP STYLE!!!

Old time Mop-Up readers will remember how ol’ Hyatte will get sick and tired of recapping the two Monday night shows right around the third hour of that marathon known as Nitro and I would shift into “breeze” mode… meaning I would fly through the rest of the recap so goddam fast no one would know what the fuck I was talking about… well, get ready… it’s back to old school..

-opening clip… Freddie Blassie is doing Jim Morrison… “The END IS HERE YOU PENCIL NECK GEEKS!!” I’m sure they showed him sitting in the stands looking at an empty ring and imagining people cheering him… it’s called senility… one really shouldn’t celebrate it. Especially when it’s painfully obvious that Blassie had dropped a load in his pants while watching the empty ring… you can see the brown stuff ooze out from his pants leg. 

-Austin shows up just to show the rubes that he is there. He ain’t wrestling or nothing, but he’s on site. The WWE: Making sure you get your money’s worth

-First match was a six man tag with nothing but Italians and Canadians… everyone in the ring had an “o” somewhere in their name. When you have Canadians and Italians beating each other up, there is only one clear cut winner… WHITE AMERICA!!!!

-Benoit was involved too… which means whatever team he was on lost… the unofficial name for this match was “The Fuck You, Marks” Match. HHH booked it.

-Austin doused Bischoff with beer. Bischoff got pissed and screamed, “DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I CAN GET JASON HERVEY ON RAW WITH JUST ONE PHONE CALL???” Austin apologized and even wiped Eric up. Austin ain’t no fool

-The French Frogs pinned Steiner and Test… well, just Steiner. Then they spraypainted that hairpaint on Stacey Keibler’s armpits and shouted, “Now zee are un French gal, yes!!” Then they twirled their mustaches and cackled. Suddenly, I miss the subtle character development that made the WWF big in the 80’s… when is “Outback Jack” coming back? 

-Neither Mr. America nor Shane Helms admitted that Vince had used the black arts to rouse the peaceful body of Owen Hart and force him to work a fresh tour as Mr. America. Damn you Vince. 

-Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri DomoArrygotomisteroboto defeated Team Angle for the Smackdown tag titles… meanwhile, Chavo is bald, Mexican, and has to live with the knowledge that he spent a decent portion of his career running around with a stick with a horse head on top lodged up his ass… and there is videotape to prove it. (This is the kind of material Mojo Mitchell doesn’t have the BALLS to write)

-Jericho and Piper argued over who ripped off whom… that’s easy, they both ripped off ME… ALL OF YOU IMBECILES RIP OFF ME!!!! MEMEMEMEMEMEME WHAT ABOUT ME??? WHAT ABOUT HYATTE???

-The return of the IC title! The return of VAL VENIS!!! (oy, give it a rest, Morley… it worked briefly 4 years ago, that’s it)

-They gave it to Booker, but Christian stole it… they should’a went to Jericho. Why is the brother always getting screwed by the white men with long blonde hair? (Gee, why is the goddam grass green, because it just IS)

-In a bit of rasslin’ glory not seen since WCW rammed Goldberg down our throats with that piped in “GOLDBERG” chant… the WWE noticed that the fans were actually cheering harder for Sable and ignored it in favor of Torrie. Just so they know that Stratus would school both of those gals. Oh yes she would. 

-I’m basing all this Stratus love strictly on the full ten minutes worth of time she gave me last year. 

-Meanwhile, Austin is feeding Bischoff beer and pickles… if Eric was naked and tied to a bed with a large possum dangling over him from a fishing rod, I would SWEAR someone in the WWE had a tape of my honeymoon

-The Owen Zombie defeated Piper after the one legged man got in McMahon’s way and/or some such… there were no winners here… none at all… none… at… all.

-Except for the one legged kid who is now the Hillbilly Jim of the New Century!!! Yes he is… know your history peoplke and you will AGREE!!! If he can get a kick ass theme song like Hillbilly did, he’ll be all set.

-Stephanie and HHH had a face to face confrontation… because the WWE knows… it goddam KNOWS that the key to all things profitable lies in the sly chemistry between Steph and Hunt… on screen they are GOLD, GODDAMMIT… GOLD


-Austin got Bischoff to puke. It’s how some of my best dates ended

-The black girl beat everyone and kept her chick title. How’s that for recapping?

-Brock airlifted the Big Show in a stretcher and won the match. Lesser recappers will make a joke about how many in the audience will need a stretcher after watching tyuis snoozefest… I shant. I am not a lesser recapper. I am not a recapper. I am… what the hell am I anyway? Oh, right, a loser.

-By the way, not to name names, but one of those “lesser recappers”… well, his name rhymes with “Fart Teeth”. Thank you.

-The show ends… F-ING FINALLY!!!

CLOSER TIME… oops, wrong column… I mean, next topic.


Could it be? Could I have finally broken out of the world of net dweebs and really made contact with Missy Hyatt based on last week’s uber-suave message to her?

Oh negro PLEASE… she ignored it… probably has no idea it exists, or that I exist. I pretty much assumed that from the get-go. Please, I got girls in REAL life who claim to love me then ignore me for weeks. Yeah, I mean YOU. (It’s okay, tho… just means less lube during anal… heh)

But word has it, she’s KEEN to speak to me… heh heh heh heh… hee hee hee… hoo ho ho… ha ha ha… oh I’ve still got it… heh… heh heh heh… oh Hyatte rules… ho.

Missy has hooked up with a website called What is Keen? Well… well.. heh, check this scam out…

The people who created the site offers YOU the chance to get advice about all sorts of stuff from people… real people. You find the right person (everyone has a special section telling you all about them) and you click a phone icon and have them call you. If they are scheduled to “work”, and have no one on the line, they’ll call your house… so try not to have Mom answer the phone, geek.

What Missy has advice for, I have no idea, but she’s listed under celebrity models. She’s available to talk on Monday during Raw, Wednesday from 9 to 11 and Thurday from 8 to 11 pm)… so yeah, you can call her on Thursday, watch Smackdown with her, and talk about how the Undertaker is ruing EVERYTHING… you bunch’a loser NERDS!!

Oh, and it’s ONLY 99 cents a minute. Meaning that I’ll be in the hole for about $15 by the time it takes me to get a good boner going. Especially with Missy, who doesn’t exactly have a sexy phone voice.

So, here’s the site. It’s actually a pretty slick set-up. 

Now, I ain’t gonna tell you your business but…. would it kill you to drop a couple of bucks just to personally tell her to give Chris Hyatte a roll, then hang up?

99 cents a minute… Jeeze… for 99 cents I can get blown AND my ass wiped.

Speaking of babes I obsess over:


Or words to that effect

Sometime last year I provided a big update on the whereabouts of, what I consider, the hottest monkey spankiest porn slut around. No, not Sean Shannon, Chasey Lane!

Well, since that time, she hasn’t made any new porn that I know of… not that I did any hard-core research (*SNORT! I’m so funny!!). I DO know that she was in a low budget movie… and… umm… well, recent pictures of her say that the years haven’t been too kind to her.

Anyways… readers have shown me what’s she been up to lately… apparently, Miss Lane has abandoned the low-rent, nickel & dime, Mom & Pop industry that is porn (only making about 10X the money “mainstream” Hollywood films make each year… which porn actresses making about 1/100th the money “mainstream” Hollywood stars make… meaning the porn business is run by some of the smartest Jews history has ever seen) and has advanced her career by getting into the lucrative world of…



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Chasey is available (this is in the New York area, but there is also a sister site that handles Los Angeles) starting Tuesday all the way ‘til Saturday

By the way, this isn’t for you welfare kids… you can’t even get into the door without at least 5 grand.

Look, I’m not going to play here… we all know that escorts are… high price call girls with just a bit more responsibility. But boiled down, what I’m saying is… if you have the resolve and the means… you can bang Chasey Lane. 

I, of course, do not…. Yet…. Which isn’t to say that I won’t, ever… I think I will shoot for next year… next year good things’ll happen… unless someone nukes South Carolina and fucks it all up for me (that line is so inside it isn’t even remotely amusing)

So, that’s where Chasey Lane is… all I can tell you is that she is one of the most flexible bitches I’ve ever seen work… and her hair is perfect… long, brown, wild. Any chick with short hair should be exiled to Outer Mongolia. Girls… grow it out. I know it’s a pain in the ass maintaining it but we don’t care… THAT’S WHAT WE LIKE!!!

And for Christ sakes… hand over the butt once in a while… we like our holes tight… I don’t know what you gals have been sticking in that chooch of yours… but some of you are wide enough to hold a goddam Durango


Oh just look it up on IMDB you damn kids…. under Diane Keaton films… fucking youngsters.

Wondering where Flea is? Yeah, me too. So, until he turns up… I thought I’d amuse everyone by listing just a few things about him that you didn’t know:

-When Flea’s holding court at a piano bar, there ain’t no rinky dink house band alive that’ll get him off the stage

-Flea has no problems beating up his black crack-head friends with a baseball bat.

-Flea don’t know nothing about country music unless their first names are Willie, Hank, Waylon, or Johnny

-Only Simon Diamond is allowed to slap Flea on the back… thereby risking the spilling of his drink

-When it snows, Flea likes to drag his daughter around town in a sled made entirely of freshly purchased cases of beer.

-If you like Billy Bob Thorton, Flea WILL sneak off into another room with your cell-phone and call Japan… just to screw you.

-Flea never met a Jew who could get in his way

-Flea does own a Chasey Lane rubber pussy… he just has no clue where it is.

-When Castro finally dies, Flea is OUT OF HERE

-Flea has more friends that have names that start with a popular brand of automobile and end with a regular first name than anyone else. (“Kia” Kenny, “Hundai” Harry, “Daewoo” Ed)

-Finally, Flea can have anyone killed… really… you too.

There you go… he is missed.


This’ll either fascinate you, or bore you to tears.

While I was flitting around the message boards, I found this… it’s a complete transcript of Hulk Hogan’s testimony during the Vince McMahon steroid trial 10 years back. It’s 

Hulk Hogan's Testimony at the WWE Steroid Trial… it’s so big that I have to cut it in half and post the second part next week. To show how lazy I am, I will not bold, italicize, or underline anything… enjoy!! 

Government calls Terry Bollea, otherwise known as Hulk Hogan. There is about a two minute wait and B enters. He is wearing a black suit with a red tie. His speaking manner is very serious. He is self employed as an entertainer. He has acted and wrestled. He is known as Hulk Hogan and he was promised not to be prosecuted. 

Government: When did you first work in the WWF? 

Terry B: Late 78. I worked for capital for a couple of years. I was gone for three years. I came back at the end of 83. 

Government: Have you used steroids prior to the WWF? 

Terry B: Yes. 

Government: When did you start? 

Terry B: The middle of 76. 

Government: What sort? 

Terry B: Injectables and orals. Anabol, decagabril, testotosterone. I used deca the most. 

Government: Describe steroid use in the WWF back then. 

Terry B: It was common. 

Government: Give a percentage. 

Terry B: 75 to 80 percent.Maybe more. 

Government: Did you see them in the locker room? 

Terry B: Yes 

Government: Did you use them there? 

Terry B: Yes. 

Government: Did you know Zahorian while you were in the WwF? 

Terry B: Yes. 

Government: Who was he? 

Terry B: He was a commissioned dr for the state of Pennsylvania that came to taping in Allentown and Hershey. 

Government: What else was he known for? 

Terry B: For wrestlers to get substances. Steroids. 

Government: What else? 

Terry B: Sleeping pills, diet pills, Tylenol 3 and 4. 

Government: How did he distribute? 

Terry B: People came to see him during tv tapings and asked for what they needed. 

Government: Did he take blood tests? 

Terry B: Yes. 

Government: Did he follow up on the wrestlers? 

Terry B: Asked if I was okay. 

Government: Did he give you whatever you asked for? 

Terry B: Yes. 

Government: What did Zahorian have with him? 

Terry B: A medical bag with instruments and two tackle boxes with drugs. 

Government: Was Vince McMahon ever in the arena when Zahorian was there? 

Terry B: Yes. 

Government: Have you ever heard any slang for steroids? 

Terry B: Juice, gas. 

Government: Ever hear Vince McMahon use them. 

Terry B: Not that I can remember. 

Government: Did Vince McMahon ever order from Zahorian? 

Terry B: Yes. 

Government: Do you recall when? 

Terry B: When we discussed steroids on the set of "No Holds Barred". 

Government: Did you learn if steroids were new to Vince McMahon? 

Terry B: He knew what they were. 

Government: Ever discuss steroids with Jay Strongbow? v Terry B: Yes. Talked about Zahorian and getting steroids for his son. 

Government: Did you ever get steroids from Vince McMahon or Emily Feinberg? 

Terry B: I called Emily Feinberg on the road and told her to place an order for me. 

Government: How many times? 

Terry B: 10 or less times. 

Government: How would you get steroids through Emily Feinberg? 

Terry B: Go by the office and pick them up. 

Government: Who paid for the steroids from Emily Feinberg? 

Terry B: Most of the time I wrote a check or used cash. There were times that I picked up steroids that were not payed for becuase I gave steroids to Vince McMahon, so they were payback. 

Government: How common was it for you to use steroids? 

Terry B: Very common. Wrestlers used them. I had a prescription. 

Government: Who did you learn through that Zahorian was in trouble? 

Terry B: Pat Patterson said Zahorian was under investigation, dont use or call him. 

Government: Did Patterson tell you not to use steroids? 

Terry B: No. 

Government: What did Vince McMahon say? 

Terry B: Don't use or call him. 

Government: Do you see this document? Is this your signature? 

Terry B: No.

A sidebar is called. After the side bar the judge tells us that juror who looks like Flip Wilson has to give his keys to a court officer becuase his wife locked herself out of the house. The whole courtroom starts laughing. I noticed Hulk Hogan never changed from his solemn expression. 

Next week is the real juicy stuff where Hogan admits to fathering Stephanie AND making it his mission in life to keep Randy Savage deep under his shadow.!


I think this should do it.

The whole point of doing this was, of course, to show how even a genius like ME can’t make a lame gimmick like this work… even though I was gangbusters at it and MILES better than Pat McNeil’s miserable attempts. But enough is enough… Christ. 

For the record… pretty much everyone agreed that Scooter Is A Bunghole was more or less my pinnacle.

For this final one, inspired quite openly by my recent trips to the various message boards for “Across the Boards”, I ruminate on a alternative future… a future of hope… a future of glory… a future where people discover life BEYOND the computer screen you are currently gawking at. Based on John Lennon’s Imagine, I give you: 


Imagine there’s no Internet

Please try not to cry

You might actually leave the house

And discover something we call the sky.

Imagine all these losers

Not calling Triple H gayyy AHHAAAA

Imagine there’s no message boards

What would you do?

No Meltzer to worship

Keller would be gone too

Imagine all those people

Having no place to rannnnt AHAAAA

You may say I'm an asshole

But at least I’ve felt the sun

I know of life without the web

Because I’m older than twenty-one

Imagine no web sites

No web writers to flame

No opinions to laugh at

No… no… OKAY, OKAY… SONG PARODY OVER… I’VE HAD IT. It’s over. You get the picture.

My God… I… I started getting the urge to gorge out on pudding pops while watching a Monty Python marathon… with a bedsheet wrapped around my waist. I had to get out. I’m sorry.

Well, after that bit of unpleasantness, let’s go home with ANOTHER bit of unpleasantness… it’s an old favorite here at MidNews land, and it makes for an EXCELLENT space filler… you know it, you love it, you can’t live without it… get ready for:


And thus, we wrap up another thrilling, action packed week of opinionating , let’s close this bitch out by shining the spotlight of intelligent commentary on YOU, John Q Loser and your friends… your comrades, your… MESSAGE BOARD BUDDIES!!!

The following was taken from a variety of boards… which is a lot tougher to do when you realize that I’m in a war with most of them… but I reasoned that since I’m not NAMING the boards, or the … heh… AUTHORS who made the following posts… to surf around all of them and yank out the drivel serves best to irritate them and entertain you, John Q. Nothing Better To Do With Your Time Than To Read This.

So, everyone wins… well, everyone COOL wins… including and/or especially ME.

Off we go.

“I'm not the brightest person here, nor am I stupidest.”

“Stephanie seems to have been gradually gaining weight week after week since she was named General Manager of Smackdown! last July. Her arms are gynormous. Her thighs are absolutely massive and quite pale. Her chest lacks firmness. And seeing how she NEVER shows off her stomach, I don't think anything good is happening under there. How I do know? Remember when Austin ripped her shirt? She was A LOT skinnier then, and even then her gut was flabby and jiggling around as she ran up the rampway. Bottom line is that she's obviously put on some weight since she was vanquished from the WWE last March in the storylines.”

“Please, please...children. If we can't agree on anything, can we at least all agree on the fact that none of us know how to spel?”

“Wonder how long it will be until Vince has Hawk falling off of the Titantron?”

“I think Scherer should say ‘the boys’ more. It makes him sound like an INSIDER.” 

“Undertaker should job to Kane in his last match. It's only fair.” 

“You typed in ‘Gay Pornstars’ into a Google search BEFORE this thread even started.”

“Scott Keith's the worst excuse for a writer ever. He'll never amount to anything really in his lifetime, other than what he's doing now........unless he changes his ways, and I doubt he will, seriously.”

“I'm not a jew. Just because I can crush you with my wallet doesn't mean I'm a jew, jew.”

“I'm hoping the writers realize what a goldmine they have with Benoit, and that the only reason they're holding off on his push is because the timing needs to be right.”

“After trying to kill Vince McMahon, something tells me, Nailz probably won't be coming back.” 

“If NWA-TNA were to fold next week, and Jim Ross were to leave his position as WWF/E VP of Talent, then Jeff Jarrett could be back in the WWF/E. As long as Ross is there though, he won't go after Jarrett because Jarrett made Ross look like a moron with the bulk payment due to Jarrett due to the contract expiring while he still had the I-C Title.”

“Im not even gonna comment on Animal and Hawks point of view cause they aren't very inteligent.” 

“You just did.”

“then im not goin to coment on yours.”

“As for Vince not having a blackball, 'Dr. D' David Shultz is proof that Vince has a blackball.”

“If Goldberg is a rip off of anybody, it's Ken Shamrock.”

“When we were in Rochester, Earl was jawing with some fan at ringside and then give him the DX crotch-chop. It was hilarious.” 

“it's sad when your video game gives you better angles than the company.” 

“You know who's getting the blame for a poor Mania buyrate - Brock, Angle, and Booker T.” 

“Yeah....I got me one of those recorded calls from Triple H on Friday. Basically just reminding me to buy the PPV. As if I've missed one in 10 years, dude.”

“I don't see why she should be treated differently than anyone else because she happens to be the bosses daughter. I'm sure she won't like getting sent down, but then again, I don't think Big Show liked getting sent down either. Anyone take into consideration as to how Show may have felt. If Stephanie doesn't like it, TOUGH CHEESE.”

“HHH likes his men chunky. Someone had to say it.” 

“Austin took Tazz' mic work, Sandman's beer, and Mikey's whipper snapper. If he never went to ECW, he'd be NOTHING!!!! Also, he took his look from The Warlord.”

“The difference between HHH and UT are I think Taker is willing to work with younger talent and not just kill them in the ring. Taker has not held the title for a little bit, while HHH seems hell bent on holding the title for the rest of the year. Plus, after reading HHH's interview on, I don't think I ever heard Taker say he is only looking out for himself, like HHH is. So I have to give props to Taker.”

“I think the truth of Gino's (Hernandez) death is like an X-File...the truth is out there but we will probably never know it.” 

“No they need to actually let folks wrestle on Smackdown and quit focusing a whole damn show on that old piece of shit named Hogan. The only person on the Raw roster who possibly needs to go over to Smackdown is Chris Jericho.”

“Keith is apparently trading wrestling tapes with some mark on Bizarro Earth because he CAN'T be following the same wrestling business that we follow on THIS planet.”

“By wrestlemania of next year, Benoit will hold the championship, and if not by then, then by end of 2004. Just...take out some jacks, and be patient”

“Does anyone think at WWE could ever got back to being a legit wrestling federation. I mean back to the early 1900's when wrestling was an actual competitive sport. Do you think that WWE could pull off becoming a FOR REAL wrestling organization similar to MMA, Pride, and the UFC?” 

“Nothing worse then baby's crying over free stuff not meeting their standards.” 

“It was a nice urn, all shiny and that” 

“I got a call from Kurt Angle reminding me of a PPV once a while back. I'll never wash my phone again.” 

“Bagwell isn't blackballed, he's just useless. Shane Douglas probably is blackballed by Vince, but Shane is useless at this point, so it really doesn't matter. Luger probably falls into the borderline blackball category; as well as the useless category. However, Vince is so desperate now, he might actually forgive Luger for double crossing him in '95 by bailing out of his contract agreement and ending up on the first Nitro.” 

“If memory serves me correct, Vince also claimed that Nailz tried to rape him.” 

“Coming soon to 1wrestling: Reggie the Referee.”

“Another sign that kayfabe is forever dead. Back in the old days, you'd never see a heel calling people on the phone to remind them of the PPV this weekend. Unless he was insulting you, which would be kinda funny.” 

“Well, it really doesn't matter to me who Mr. America really is, but please, if there is a God in heaven, do not make it the Booty Man!”

“Favourite Sid Moment was on Nitor when he was getting his big push against the Outsiders and came down to the ring and said 'Gimmie a Hell Yeah' I swear to god I near pissed myself, I didnt stop laughing for a good 5 minutes and still laugh when I think of it now! 'Stone Cold' Sid Vicious! Lol” 

“My favorite is the one where he smacked the softball outta the park in the bottom of the ninth with a 3-2 count to win the game!!!” 

“Dude... there's nothing that they can do to make Billy Gunn interesting... ever. Why he hasn't been shipped off to NWA:TNA is beyond me.” 

“vince set out to kill the business and succeeded. As long as he's alive (or at least has the $), he's gonna make sure that it stays dead.” 

“Kind of funny how we alot of people on the internet (not saying "all"), bad mouth Triple H here and there (I do sometimes I don't find him as entertaining, not for politics). But then Triple H badmouths the internet fans, and every goes wild and acts all surprised”

“If the warrior made a comeback his music would make me mark out....then change the channel.” 

“Okay dude, so YOU'RE normal and I'm NOT because I don't jerkoff to pics of David Flair's sloppy seconds?”

“i believe terry funk was close to 100 when he retired” 

“Every site that lists Sable birthday lists it as August 8, 1967. I can't seem to find any others. Well, ok, this one says she was born in 1975, which is patently absurd.”

“What Ever Happened to The Undertakers URN? and if Paul Bearer still has can't he turn the Undertaker Evil again?”

“If I do recall, WWE, or WWF at the time sent down The Big Show (Paul Wight) to Ohio Valley Wrestling in the summer of 2000 because supposedly he was overweight. Hello?!! He's supposed to be big. And he didn't seem all to large to me at the time. Anyways, ain't it a bit hypocritical of them to not send one of there very own, Stephanie McMahon down to Louisville to shed a few pounds?”

“Saw the mag Monday. The local independant supermarket chain (Mars Markets) wouldn't put it out on the rack because ‘of the salaciousness’ (did I spell that right?).Though that didn't stop the Manager, the Grocery Receiver, the Frozen Food Manager and I from drooling over the ‘salaciousness’ (did I spell that right?).”

Conclusions drawn: 1) Ivory is a 42 year-old Uberbabe 2) Molly Holly reeks of "Girl-Next-Door" sexiness 3) Victoria wants to have my baby 4) And Stratus just doesn't even know how hard I'd bang her” 

“Hey guys, I had to go in to work at 5:30 a.m. today! Oh wait, I won't tell you the rest of the story because NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.” 

“I've heard the name before, but I have absolutely no clue who this Hyatte person is.”

Who does? Who does, indeed.

No one knows this Hyatte person. Many wish to, many would love to, many THINK they do… but they do not. YOU do not. No, not even you… yeah, YOU, bitch.

For instance, did any of you know that I sometimes like to take quiet walks along the beach under a moonlit night… feeling the sand between my toes, listening to the waves crash and retreat? Did you know that? DID YOU?

Did you know that I like to attend weddings of people who do not know me and just cry over the sheer nakedness of unconditional love? Did you?

Did you know I am thoroughly convinced that I will never get married, never have kids, and will surely die as I have lived… utterly and totally alone? Well, I am. Did you know that? DID YOU??

Did you know that I have the soul of a poet, the soul of a prince? Did you?

Did you know that I lost the ability to love a long time ago? I have no more to give. None. DID YOU????

Of course you didn’t. Marks.

Did you know that this is the end of the column, and that I may or may not be back next week? Did you? DID YOU??

Well, okay… I’m pretty sure you figured that last one out.

This is Hyatte