The Midnight News 06.23.03
Posted By Hyatte on 06.23.03
Cookin' with J.R., Gossip, The Return of Flea, The Return of Alexa, Ol' Jade Jaws, Widro, Grut, Stupid People, and Memories
Guys like Hyatte are not columnists. If they have something to offer - post it on a message board.
But, what do I do when every board eventually bans me? And they WILL… oh yes, I’ll make them all ban me.
Re: Last week’s exclusive, “My God this is legit” newspiece on Goldberg getting canned:
well, the "web page" with goldberg's termination is comically inaccurate. i'm not sure if you were just joking around by posting it, but look at the damn thing...the "headlines," other than the bad blood one, are out of date..."mysterio wins title" and "we head into this sunday's bad blood," for example. lastly, and perhaps most obvious, is the microsoft word icon at the bottom of the screen that reads "wwe.comrea...". that couldn't be real page, could it????????!!!! i mean, if you're gonna' post news items that can't be
confirmed and are there simply for people to read your column, at least look over them first.
Yes, people read my column because I’m such a crackerjack NEWS reporter… all the top stories are broken by me. Yes. It’s Murrow, Cronkite, Koppel, and Hyatte! In that order.
If you believe that Goldberg/RAW guy with the screenshot, you are an idiot. There is OBVIOUSLY a word document at the bottom with the www.wwe.com, which means that he saved and edited the page. Stop being such a smarking moronic tool.
Re: Daddy Dearest
The part about your dad looked like Sean Shannon took over your column.
Dave Gagnon… who used to WRITE columns… now he writes TO people who write columns. Will someone please give him a column… please.
Hyatte, I gotta start off by saying that I like your column and think its the funniest thing on 411. However, you have just placed yourself in the category of 'big time suck-ass crybabies' with the shit in your column.
(I'm paraphrasing here) - 'Oh, Boo Hoo! My daddy beat me! Oh Boo Hoo! My daddy beat my mommy. Daddy didn't love me! He treated us like crap! I'm a fucked up twit because of my daddy! Oh, boo hoo!'
Jesus Fucking Christ! That whiny little cry-baby diatribe puts you in the same league as that faggot from Nickelback (all of his songs are about his big mean daddy!). How old are you now? Like 30? Holy fuck, you little pissant dweeb! Get over it or shoot the motherfucker in the head already. If you've reached 30 and are still crying about the things your father did to you when you were a kid, then you will always be a failure. MOVE ON!
I'm sure there are plenty of reasons in the here and now that can account for your fucked up life. Girlfriend took all your stuff and slapped you with restraining order? Boss docked you a days pay because you totalled the company car? Something! God! Find another crutch to lean your depression on. A grown man shouldn't be such a pussy just because of shit his 'daddy' did 20 years ago. You sound like one of those stripper broads that bitch and moan because 'Old Uncle Chester' used to make them polish his magic puppet. You're getting to be just as bad as that other guy that keeps complaining about his medication.
You sound like my therapist.
Great piece! I loved the tribute to Dad. It touched me. You said some shit that needed to be said for all of us.
Hey bitch, You know, I had a moment during Fathers Day where I reflected on all the shit I've gone through with my dad over the years, and sort of felt bad about not calling him and maybe trying to find some kind of reconciliation. Then I read your column and remembered why I dont talk to the worthless fuck in the first place. Thank you for (in your own way) letting me know that once again, I'm doing the right thing. Um.....yeah.....so....your mom used to suck my cock. I felt like I had to put something like that there.
Re: Women love to get Hy
You once put out a bounty on Tony Schiavone’s daughter? Damn, I wish I was online back then. You’re evil, but in a way that really turns me on for some reason.
What’s your story, a lot of us want to know.
My story is long, complex, and fascinating… and I never get to tell it because many of you fine women are too busy going on about YOUR long, complex, and fascinating story and never let the guy get a word in edgewise… you gals should really work on that.
Hey Hyatte, just writing to let you know that chicks DO read your column, and I'm black so that somehow makes it extra special. Read ya next week.
Thank you baby. I’m touched, flattered, and more than just a little aroused
And just for you fine women out there who read this alpha male/mega bad column, here’s a special treat just for you
Re: General stuff
What's your ethnicity?
Vigilant Shango, aka: “Eagle”
Norwegian Mulatto with a hint of Italian Lutheran
this column makes no sense. Please retire now and save your fucking dingily.
But, I don’t even LIKE my dingily… I don’t want to save it.
Hello. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. How we doing? Good? That’s good.
What this is is a treaty… a manifesto… an essay on all things that I find important… but it’s not an agenda… it’s not a selfish journal aimed to satisfy me and me alone… oh no, it is a delicate weaving… perhaps melding… of topics that I feel would interest YOU: John (and Jane) Q Slob. Usually I fail miserably at my goal… but since no one ever really gives me suggestions as to what I should talk about (other than the obligatory, “Since this is a WRESTLING column, why don’t you talk about… I don’t know… WRESTLING??” and believe me, you could not fathom how many times someone sent me an e-mail looking exactly like that… right down to the letter) I must assume I am hitting the right notes. Bah, blah, and feh. (it also helps that there is like… NO news to talk about… at all… Brock Lesnar was attacked by a shark or something… Stephanie now says that Vince whored her out to business prospects or something… nothing out there… nada.)
Now that the introduction is over, we must proceed to the meat of the text… the sensual cake that lies underneath the frosting. The journey of a thousand lifetimes begins with the first step… and our first step is… right about…now
COOKIN’ THAT’LL MAKE YER KNOCKERS SLOBBER
Oh what a stupid title.
You know, I have nothing against Jim Ross. I hope his book sells a MILLION copies… no problemo. Let it sell a BILLION for all I care.
But… come on… the book is a rip-off.
First, on the cover you have JR looking stunned as Trish Stratus and Stacey Keibler laugh at something. Now, there’s nothing wrong with having Trish and Keibs on the cover… but couldn’t they have used a better picture? I mean, Trish has looked better… she has looked more natural on camera than what she presents here with that fake, open mouth laugh.
And Keibler… well, let’s put it this way… a woman who spends her life staying as skinny as possible should NEVER showcase her bony hand in ANY photo. She looks like she had the hand of an 80 year old transplanted onto her wrist. JR is JR and he can’t do much with the face that Bell’s Palsy shot down. But come on… couldn’t they have used a more flattering picture of the girls?
But that’s not my main beef (“beef”… HAW… Hyatte rules)… this is… since I know you loser marks have a copy handy, flip to page 63… it’s the Sandwhiches and Burgers section. This is JR’s recipe for grilling a hot dog… this is what you paid $26.00 for… THIS IS WHAT HE SPEND THE LAST FEW YEARS PUTTING TOGETHER:
Char-Grilled Hot Dog!
1 16-oz package Nathan’s Beef hot dogs (8 dogs)
Martin’s potato hot dog buns
Place pierced hot dogs on medium-high heat and grill about 8 minutes total, or to your liking, Grill buns for 1 minute and choose from J.R.’s favorite toppings
J.R.’S TIP – If you want to get the best grilled hot dogs in the world, you need to go to Swanky Franks in Norwalk, Connecticut
So… you just paid all that money to hear “throw dogs on grill for 8 minutes and serve”
And the book is FILLED with recipes like that.
Plus, you get the added pleasure of about a thousands specific plugs for certain brands of food.
PLUS… none of this chow is any good unless you have J.R.’s favorite toppings at the ready.
I know the WWE thinks their audience are morons… but Jesus Fuck… CAN WE GET A LITTLE… ITTY BITTY CREDIT FOR BEING JUST A TAD SMARTER THAN A GODDAM TREE STUMP????
I mean… really… what the FUCK.
God. Shame on you Jim Ross… shame on you.
THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN WRESTLING
Is Vince Russo
The man does one recap of RAW… everyone flips. Columnists FINALLY have something to prattle on about other than the usual “Benoit Rules/Hunter Drools” shtick.
Plus, what he said was articulate, precise, and dead on balls accurate.
It was also on 1bob… unadvertised… for about a day… and then Scherer or Ryder pulled it… and Dave, who never, EVER passes up a chance to talk about how important his site is, has yet to mention it.
And this Tuesday, the ENTIRE NET (yeah, that means YOU, cumstain) will SCOUR the web looking for what Vinnie Ru had to say about the tomorrow’s RAW… and if he posts something… most, if not all of you will SCREAM FOR HIS NEW YAWK HEAD ON A SILVER PLATTER FOR HAVING DARED SPEAK HIS MIND!!!!
Vince Russo has the whole internet… and every newsletter writer… completely by the balls… you are ALL his bitch… he is Beethoven and you are his piano.
And by the way, NWA/TNA is so good right now it’s sick… the best wrestling mixed in perfectly with some very intriguing storylines… the only thing they don’t have is huge stars and a TV deal.
And I want to marry Goldylocks… because A: she has a brain, B: she is very quick witted and C: she looks like she WILL give up the butt. Plus she looks like a heroin addict… girls that young should NOT look so ragged out… but it’s still HOT.
Jeremy Borash can still die of Monkey Pox tho’.
God Bless Vinnie Ru… the best thing to happen to rasslin’ since the Internet… and the sonafabitch STILL doesn’t return my IM’s.
HOT ASS GOSSIP
Since I’m actually getting e-mails pissing on me for that Goldberg story last week, I thought it might be best to explain a few things here:
This is not a NEWS column… it’s called “The Midnight News” because at one time, I thought it would be fun to do a real news column… but, like everything else I do… it EVOLVED… (a dirty, dirty word around these parts)
Think of me as… the Enquirer of Net rasslin’… a lot of fun to read… elements of real truth inside every story… but on the whole, nonsense and crapola… which, by the way, fits more perfectly with pro graps than any OTHER column out there.
The way I see it, I hope that this shit is what people in the business…. The WORKERS… would like to read… because I’m not breaking huge stories or sniffling at whatever they are doing… I’m a break from everyone else… dumb fun. That’s it.
So, I don’t give a crap about checking out a story… or verifying anything… people give me shit, I post it… take it all for what it’s worth… I don’t much care.
For instance, someone sent me the following items… hot gossip about people n the business… you know the names, and it’s all inflammatory enough to make 411 sweat… so I thought it would be goofy to treat them as “Blind Items”… what you are about to read is NOT re-checked… NOT sworn on a stack o’ bibles as the truth… and NOT gospel… it’s just rumors and innuendos that probably have a wee bit of truth to them… or all could be 100% legit… I ain’t tellin’
1: He’s big and ugly and mean enough to make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. He’s also been given more shots than his old quizzical tag team partner. But this giant among men is no prince when he gets a few frosty cold ones in him – look at him cross-eyed in your local pub and you might just motivate him to go loco on your silly ass. He’s sent a few people to the hospital already (and hush hush pay-offs by the WWE keep these tales under wraps), can it be long before he sends someone straight to the Funeral Parlor? No wonder he’s the Undertaker’s favorite son.
2: Hot, hot, hot does not fully realize the sizzle factor of this blonde, ambitious diva. Everyone loves her, everyone wants to be with her and everyone’s envious of her Tom Cruisin’-like boyfriend. Now, if only Mr. Lucky would stop kidding around with all the fat jokes at her expense… and maybe he should stop putting his once filthy hands all over every girl who gets within his reach.
3: Just because this manly hunk of well-marinated meat has squirreled away enough money from the heyday of the 90’s does not mean he doesn’t miss the ring. Of course, with his past demons and an ex-wife making his mental state go up and down like a yo-yo, and his fondness for skipping house shows still in the minds of his would-be employers, things look as if our man will continue to while away the days just north of Margueritaville. That is, unless his friends, none of them getting any younger and one of whom needs a new push, can convince big daddy Vince that our man’s skills are still razor sharp and he no longer needs to be on the outside looking in.
4: Say what you want about the cocky, arrogant NWA worker who, despite a shove to the moon, still hasn’t seen the sunnier side of success. He still knows how to charm the almost-hot cage dancers that populate the Asylum every Wednesday. He likes to take them to Japanese restaurants and get them loaded on saki? Saki? Si, saki.
And who knows where truth begins and bullshit ends… it’s still fun, fun FUN!!!
SEE GREEN AS MARVEL MAKES GREEN
Saw the Hulk. It was okay… little boring at times.
BUT… that monster had a better acting range than Ben Affleck.
AND… Nick Nolte… my God…. Nolte rules.
BUT… there was a climatic scene at the end that was so lame and so off from the rest of the movie that it REEKED of the movie studio meddling in and telling Ang Lee, “Look, we’ll let you do the movie your way but you HAVE to throw in this super hero slugfest… no, you HAVE TO… we DEMAND it”
The scene was so lame that Ang Lee shot it in darkness and under water… so the entire sort-of fight was murky to the point of almost being invisible… you just KNOW he was ashamed of it. Got to give the little guy credit… he did what the studio wanted and told them to fuck off at the same time.
See the movie only for the third act… where the Hulk is running around in the desert… beautiful scenery there… and if you can wait… then just rent the thing… it really does drag on at times.
Oh, and if the flick inspires you to buy Hulk comics… don’t waste your time with the bullshit Marvel is selling now… go collect the twelve years worth of Peter David’s run on the title… simply the finest evolution of a character ever.
Oh, and Grant Morrison did what no one else could have… he re-invented the X-Men
And streamlined the whole she-bang… and he did so by introducing a ton of new characters… it is nothing short of a miracle what that dude did.
Oh (2)… Mark Waid got hosed… and his firing is precisely why I no longer buy comics.
THE RETURN OF THAT LITTLE WHORE KNOWN AS ALEXA!!
This is just a reality check… and a chance for me to gloat.
What happened was last year, Widro ran to me jumping for JOY over the stats for the site that were given by www.alexa.com… he begged… BEGGED me to post the numbers.
I, of course, asked him why HE didn’t post the numbers… it being his site and all
He said, and I quote: “I like being the one everyone likes… you don’t care you likes you or not”
Couldn’t disagree there.
Critics (read: Jealous Losers) screamed that YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN ALEXA TOOLBAR IN ORDER FOR YOUR VOTE TO COUNT!!! THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT!
No, no, no… what alexa does is rank sites in terms of popularity based on what people who have the alexa toolbar visit… does that sound fishy to you?
It does? Okay… do you think the Nielson family monitors each and every TV screen from a huge satellite floating in the sky? No, morons, they send out a couple of million books to average joes and ask them to fill them in and send it back to them at the end of the week (I should know, I received a couple).
Now, assuming the people sent them in and ASSUMING their handwriting is legible, Nielson works the averages and ESTIMATES what the numbers are… this is a system that NOBODY here in rassle-land bitches about (unless Nitro is winning the ratings)
It’ ain’t the law… but alexa is a GOOD estimator… sorry, scrubs… DEAL WITH IT.
Now, let the gloating begin…
Now, a big site… the head site ‘round these parts is, of course, WWE.com … and fittingly, they are ranked at #719…
Oddly enough, WWF.com, which has nothing to do with Pandas and seems to be a shopping engine of sorts is ranked at #26,802… which means WWE is running at it’s normal pace, finally
Now, when I left 411 for my little sabbatical, we were cleaning up and kicking 1wrestling’s ass… well, even with the Mania launch and the… heh… POWERFUL presence of Scott Keith, 1wrestling has taken the lead from us and is ranked #6732 … by the way, 77% of the 1bob readers still endure the pop-ups while only 23% upay for the premium… no wonder you can feel Scherer sweat whenever he begs us to subscribe… they must have figured they would have 100% of the audience buying their words
prowrestling.com… we were beating the pants off them too before I left… well, now they surged ahead and are ranked at #6816. Fucking rat jap punks.
411mania. This site right here… home of me and everyone else have slipped to third place with a ranking at #6895… enjoy it while it last Bob, Dave, and whoever does the prowrestling.com thing… Hyatte’s here and he plans on taking it BACK… Sorry… must have been fun just worrying about Scooter… party’s over.
Now for the fun stuff:
Rajahwwf is ranked at #10,807… why? Because they never got the F out… and because they stopped posting Smackdown spoilers ten minutes after the show ended on Tuesday… and, most importantly, THEY DON’T HAVE ME!!!
PwTorch is ranked #14,037… I know the concept is new, but 94% of the audience still stick with the free part while a pathetic 6% go with the VIP section. I blame Pat McNeill… he brings the whole site down… those Lounge nitwits don’t help either… and would it kill Mitchell to come up with some new material for once?
Liveaudiowrestling home of all things Meltzer is ranked #20,879. Hey Dave, I’ve got a JUMBO SIZE news item for you… THE TORCH IS KICKING YOUR ASS… AND 411 MANIA IS DECIMATING YOUR ASS!!!
Here’s some advice from someone who knows how to get readers… less plugging for your newsletter and more net content… and having that suck fuck Todd Martin show up every other month to piss and moan about how everything sucks doesn’t count.
Wienerboard. CRZ’s nightmare is ranked #28'576… he runs a tight ship… and so long as you kiss his ass to all hell and let his cunt of a girlfriend degrade and badmouth everyone who posts without comment, you may continue to post.
The Lords of Pain is ranked #29,601. And I have yet to run into an actual hard-core reader of the site. Amazing.
Online Onslaught is ranked #40,687… this means if you open your window and scream out a column, you’ll reach a bigger audience than Rick “Samuda was nothing without me” Scaia and his crew of would-be columnists… heh… heh heh heh hahahahaa…
The best part here is…the only thing Rick is beating are message boards and personal web logs/sites. Hey Rick… THE LORDS OF PAIN ARE KICKING YOUR ASS!!! ONCE UPON A TIME, MR. TITO WAS YOUR BITCH!!
Doesn’t Scott Keith post there still? Gee, wonder why he can’t hike up these numbers?
TOA it’s a message board, home of more deluded morons than you can shake your dick at. They are ranked at #45,018… they are alot like Scherer… they think the WWE reads them religiously too… difference is, Scherer may be right… no way in hell anyone reads these nuts.
A1wrestling.com is ranked 58,123… oh sure Janitor… 411mania REALLY NEEDS your MENU site to get bigger… oh yes sir, we are HUMBLED by your power and influence… HA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! OH YOU DOUCHEBAGS!!!
DVD message board is ranked #59,915… they’re still alive? Imagine that. This site is at it’s busiest on Friday and Saturday night… read into that what you will.
Oops, I was wrong… Online Onslaught (and everyone else) is kicking the shit out of NwaTna.com, which is ranked at a pathetic #61,923… must be because of Borash.
Scotsmanality just because he wanted me to tell you all a Scott Keith story found somewhere below, I’ll throw his site in here… it’s ranked #138,109
and Ryderfakin.com is ranked #858,904… which is sort of encouraging, actually.
By the way, MTV.com is ranked #461 and Rolling Stone is ranked at #1'068… which means our music section has a tough challenge.
And Ain't It Cool.com is ranked at #7,147… which makes Ashish more powerful than Harry Knowles… amazing.
These are the facts… forgive me for RUBBING YOUR FACE IN THEM!!!!! HAHAHAHAAAA
Ha… I really do rule… sometimes I doubt myself
WORDS OF WISDROM
Wanna know why 411 is so popular? It’s because of nonsense like THIS:
Hyatte1com: I think, next week, it's time to remind the kids just how great 411 is
Widro: that would really be super
Hyatte1com: don't you love it when I make statements like that
Widro: yes they are inspiring to me on a deep personal level
Hyatte1com: good... then inspire yourself to dig up the current standings from alexa and send your findings to me.
Widro: i'm busy right now but perhaps after my art class tonight
Hyatte1com: art class... HOMO!!
Widro: yeah its filled with girls
Widro: whos a homo now
Widro: good one
Hyatte1com: thank you
Hyatte1com: Hyatte's wit is as sharp as ever
Widro: razor sharp
Hyatte1com: drop a scarf on it and it's sliced in have
Hyatte1com: and half
Widro: your english is top notch as well
Hyatte1com: oh, you want to play with fire, Scarecrow? Widro: whos a homo now
Hyatte1com: your little friend the apostrophe called... he's lonely
Hyatte1com: luckily, the question mark is keeping him company
Widro: are we done yet?
Hyatte1com: Almost… one last thing
Widro: Go ahead
Hyatte1com: HYATTE 2, WIDRO 00
Hyatte1com: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!! YOU SUCK!!
I love that little tool.
Of course, he gave me NO help with Alexa… too busy dying his hair.
MY THREE STOOGES
I was planning on giving Scooter a break this week… then this happened:
ScotsmanWU: Got some hot info for you for your column!
Hyatte1com: I doubt it's hotter than my breaking news last week about Goldberg leaving the company
ScotsmanWU: Mr High IQ Scooter Keith
ScotsmanWU: Played me...stupid, stupid me...
ScotsmanWU: At cribbage
ScotsmanWU: And I beat him 2-0. Skunked him!
ScotsmanWU: After the match Keith yelled
ScotsmanWU: I TOTALLY HAD AN AWESOME HAND TOO!
ScotsmanWU: And then left.
ScotsmanWU: 121 to 84.
ScotsmanWU: I beg of you to include it. He'd hate it
Hyatte1com: two geeks... Jesus H... and to think I once feared you
ScotsmanWU: I'm not a geek. I played it while getting head!
There you go… Mister Genius gets schooled at cribbage.
What kind of stud plays cribbage online? Scotsman I can understand… he’s got a kid coming… but Scooter… he’s single, baby!!!
In other stooge news… Rick Scaia made a rare appearance on AOL sometime ago… and paid the price:
nymgame41: butt plug?
nymgame41: butt plug?
nymgame41: butt plug?
OORick signed off at 10:45:12 PM.
OORick signed on at 10:54:40 PM.
nymgame41: OORick likes cock
nymgame41: is this not true?
nymgame41: cock cock cock cock cokc
nymgame41: i spellllllledit rong
OORick signed off at 10:57:23 PM.
I like how he lasted all of 4 minutes before running away again
Cock cock cock… BWAHAHAHAHAAA oh I love it.
Next week, a good story about CRZ and his girlfriend.
BOMBING GRUT BACK TO THE STONE AGE
I’m not sure if I’m exactly proud of this… but it was hilarious at the time… aw hell, it’s hilarious now…
Flea and I were on the phone… and also online ragging on whichever website we were looking at at the time…
Hyatte: What’s this guy, Tennesee Lynn with that hillbilly first name? He’s begging for my love.
Flea: He likes me. Everyone likes me.
Hyatte: Cause you play nice with them… losers… wannabes. You go online with the truth and they’ll pretend to hate you too
Flea: Hyatte invented telling the truth. Hey, Josh Grut is online. Let’s fuck with him.
Hyatte: Let’s IM bomb him… both of us write “FUCK YOU” you over and over
Flea: hyuck… I’m in. Let’s do it.
We proceed to send “FUCK YOU” to VPJG over and over and over… every time we heard each other’s message sound, we started to laugh harder.
Hyatte: HAHAH!! EAT THE BOMBS JOSHY BABY!!!
Flea: HAW® FUCK YOU GRUT!!!!
Hyatte and Flea fall into hysterics
Flea: we are in our thirties… we shouldn’t be doing this.
VPJG: I’m trying to decide if this is both of you, or just one of you on two accounts.
Hyatte: FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
Flea: FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
Hyatte: Now let’s block him
Flea: Hell yeah!!!
Then we blocked the little squirt.
Lesson here: age ain’t nothin’ but a number.
And speaking of Flea…
THE FLEA 500
Took some doing, but I finally convinced the hillbilly to come back home…
I told him “Give me 500 words on anything” and he promises (sort of… in a very Flea-like way) to deliver…
His first topic… a plug!:
Hello, Hi-8…if I ever get out of here, if I ever get out of here…
The IWC 100 is fast approaching. Ladies and Germs and here is Flea to tell you how it works…
First off, damn straight I steal this from the DVD 500. But it ain’t like they invented the number 12. The first list was done 4 parts for attention and five parts because I figured it was about high time someone judged the judges. Who better to do that than someone who has yet to burn any bridges (that said person cares about) and have some fun doing it. The original list was done to recap 1997 – Current and the only thrill I got out of it was:
Seadawg’s forum being a bunch of fucking hypocrites
DEAN and the DVD gang howling about “I’m better than you, nyah nyah” ( my full intentions)
GRUT pissed off
And the only thing that I really cared about…
Reinvigorating YOU to use the term IWC everytime you talk about the IWC
And goddamn right that worked. See, Sean Shannon pretty much invented that term, but it fell to the wayside when all of youse went about cussing HHH and bitching about Netcop’s recap’s, Hyatte juvenilism and the bummer that was CRZ bailing out. HEY YOU DUMFUCK YOU!. That’s why Flea is here. To knock your (literal) head straight, or (figurative) dick in the dirt. The IWC is here to stay, and there might as well be some accountability. Whether you like it or not is not really my concern. I like it…and there ain’t no one better on the web to be judgmental.
You wanna know why? Because I READ (or have read) every last one of you. I know what you are up to, and when you are up to it. Think you can’t go without a week and not be noticed? You are. Think you can fuck off and half ass thing? I know. When the latest list comes out, and YOU find your own damn self slagging in the depths of netherland, you’ll wish you would have not said “Oh, what a fucking bummer writing a column is, I think I will half ass it and turn in some sub-par work”.
Most people don’t care. I do. And you have been recognized.
Why do I do this? Because I can. As for me, no no no…I better not say that. ( I was going to tell you that ….nevermind.)
Point of all this is…even if you get ONE letter telling you how great you are, there are (x) number of people that are never going to read you again. And there are said (x) number of people, for whatever reason, that lose sleep at night wishing that they could be you. My advice would be to put some effort into what you write, because someone is reading…
And someone is watching…and rating…
You have been warned…
IWC 100 – Summer Edition is coming – 7.4.03
FLEA Go see his site’s bandwith exceeded right here
And, just so you know… I’m not #1 anymore… or #2… or even 3… I’ve been dethroned.
Can’t say I blame him… I WAS gone for about 5 months. And I’m hardly IWCing my little ass off these days.
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY
This classic closer from Mop-Ups long past involves dumb people in the news. I remember it generated plenty of laughs from the readers and more than a few “You just got this off another website, douchebag!!! God you suck!!! God, you’re washed up!!” That was three years ago.
I believe this was first posted in the 411 Mop-Ups… not the finest series of columns in my career, but the closers were always really, really good.
DUMBEST PEOPLE ALIVE:
1) You're too stupid to lead...AT&T; fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
2) S.W.A.T. Mosquitos... Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
3) And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
4) And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
5) Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire
investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
6) And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
7) The Getaway... A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
8) Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
9) Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend
their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.
Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
10) Too Well-Educated... In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
11) Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
12) Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
13) Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
14) Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
Oh you people… so very stupid.
Now, for some extra goodness… a little new material to pad things up nicely…
I picked this up a few weeks okay in the op/ed section of my newspaper… I’m pretty sure this was an AP thing, but I’m also pretty sure none of you punks read the op/ed section…
The following are a collection of quotes… REAL quotes, from letters written to landlords:
“The toilet is clogged and we cannot bathe the children until it’s cleared”
“Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.”
“I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off”
“This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
I once stepped on a crack, and gave my Mom AIDS, but that’s another story.
We done yet? Oh, almost… how about we wrap ‘er up with one, last thing…
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY 2
This isn’t even funny… but it’s a nice way to wrap things up.
This is for all you other writers out there who think your column is better than mine, who think you know more about the business of pro-rasslin’ than I do… losers, you don’t.
There was a time when I was very passionate about the business… when I didn’t care about workrate or politics or when Benoit will get his push or any of that (umm… I don’t care about all that NOW… and I doubt I ever did, but that’s beside the point)… all I cared about was what I watched on TV… the characters, the action, the laughs. There is a REASON I drifted to the rasslin’ sites and not to… say… the Star Trek sites. There’s a REASON I chose this arena to hone my brilliant skills in.
See, I remember a time when there WAS no “Austin 3:16”, No NWO, No “If ya smell..”, No Spears, No Divas, and NO Monday Night Wars… do you?
So, let’s get a little femmy and remember a time before the Internet. A time before Monday nights.
... the Oinkettes
... the way Heenan never missed eyeing the camera on the close up shots.
... "Coming On America"
... when RAW were the Titans on Tuesday night
... Piper slapping Lord Alfred
... Vince banning him from the set
... when Piper ruled
... when the Freebirds and the Von Erichs lit up the Texas night
... having nightmares about the Butcher
... when DiBiase owned Louisiana, Oklahoma, and everywhere in between
... when DiBiase broke the Bullet
... when Bruno would handle it in the houses
... seeing Hogan blitz through Monsoon within 10 seconds
... watching the Horsemen make Hawk look like a bitch
... when the Dream took care of business
... when Buzz owned Atlanta
... when Saturday mornings were World Class
…when there was something you had to watch 5 minutes past 6 every Saturday
... when a coconut changed Snuka forever
…when Putski invented the “Hulk-Up”
... Dr. D. being Hogan's worst nightmare
... when the Hands of Stone put on a clinic
... when Nikita fought for Magnum
... when Eaton flew
…when Sullivan was as evil as it got
…when Florida was THE place
... when Andre put a lifetime of sadness behind his challenge
... when Gorilla and the Brain wrote the book on chemistry
... when Rocky put a chair through Afa's head
... when Sunday evenings belonged to Watts
... wondering if the Sheik was insane
…wishing to see Brody work just once
... Joe Pedicino knowing
…Hayes and Gordy finally coming out about halfway through “Freebird”
…when Adams and Hernandez seemed unstoppable
…when Arn as a tag partner meant gold
-Thunderbolt Patterson stuttering through a promo
-In-studio promos cut before and after a match
-Flair’s first WWF promo (“What did you think, Piper? What happened, I would just go away? WRONG!! Now you, like everybody else, has got to deal WHOO with the REAL, WORLD’S HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!”)
…when Luger was THE future
... when the Steiners would do something amazing each week.
... when Windham almost took it to Flair
…when Windham broke our hearts.
... when Reed and Simmons meant Doom
And I remember when I refused to admit that this was all fake.
Because it wasn't.
There… a time when I was a fan.
Can YOU identify all the references there? I bet you CAN’T… and if you can, keep it to yourself… I’m too busy to reminisce.
I think we shall call this a column for yet ANOTHER week… God, how many of these can I put together? A million? A BILLION?? Is my wealth of material limitless? Is my talent BOTTOMLESS???
Oh, and next week, I may just snoop around the message boards for another “Across the Boards” segment… so if you have something to post, do it this week… Hyatte will be judging… maybe.
Eric handles the heavy lifting, Grut sweeps up behind him… whoever replaced Ashish may or may not show up on Friday… Daniels is ignored on Saturday and Bower annoys everyone next Sunday. Then I’m back, whoopee.
Be nice to me or one day, I’ll show up at your home and beat the living shit out of you. I will too.
This is Hyatte