The Midnight News 07.14.03
Posted By Hyatte on 07.14.03
Hogan, Piper, Trish, Girls, More Girls, AIM Fun, a Bald Viking, Bad Ass, Old Stomping Grounds, and the IWF List finally revealed!
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go back in time and bitch slap myself for reading your god awful "internet column". I'll then proceed to kick my past self in the nuts and call it a day. Approve? No? Well too bad, because I just remembered that your opinion means absolutely nothing to anyone with an IQ over 5 and the fact the you can actually form an opinion about anything not involving Missy Hyatt's butthole is a miracle within itself.
p.s. The printable version of your column makes for great toilet paper.
Actually, I have no opinion on Missy Hyatt’s butthole, other than the fact that I’m sure it’s round.
I do, however, have a few opinions about the butthole that enjoys being wiped with rough, unforgiving, thick typing paper that is used to print out columns like these.
Goddamn i've been reading michael jackson's columns. and that's u gayass.
Chintan3:16 is not my lover. He’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.
OK WOW THAT WAS THE LONGEST PIECE OF SHIT I EVER READ EVER!! Im blown away by the amount of stupid philosophical bullshit you guys can spit out about WRESTLING! I mean really guys I love wrestling (not right now) just like you assholes but stop taking it so fucking seriously. Yes HHH is a power hungry dink , Hogans old, Vince is a dirty millionare who hits little girls with canes, BUT WE ALL HAVE TO GET BY THAT AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO WRITE ABOUT WEEK AFTER WEEK AFTER WEEK AFTER WEEK
Yes, you are absolutely right MattY B. Please forgive me. I shall try much harder to stick to non-wrestling topics and AVOID clichés such as Triple H’s power, Hogan’s age, and Vince’s dirty millions. I don’t know WHAT I was thinking. Color me schooled.
Hello, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. In the words of the kids today: What’s going down?
I was away last week and had a damn fine time, so much so that I plan on having many, many more off weeks in the future. Yes, I shirk my responsibilities to entertain you, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Stupid. I want you all to know that I do this without a SHRED of guilt OR apprehension. I feel no responsibilty here. In fact, unlike most everyone else, I actually think you CAN go a week without hearing from me. Plus, again unlike almost everyone else, I am FULLY confident that I can skip a week and NOT lose my audience.
You’re not going anywhere. I’m stuck with you.
Besides, I was around last week. Did you NOT read the fill-in column Flea and I did for Grut? It was an unGodly mess with nary a shred of wrestling news to be found.. Plenty of Jew jokes tho’.
Well, we have a busy, busy column to do now. So there is no sense in waiting. I know why you’re here, you know why you’re here. The only thing worthwhile here up top are the flame letters. After those, it’s like “Okay Hyatte, move along before I scroll”. No, for God’s sakes, don’t SCROLL!! Every word I write must be scrutinized and dissected for hidden meanings and secret messages. Every phrase I utter must be recorded and downloaded and stored for posterity sakes. You must not scroll… I will not allow it!
For some reason, I have a LOT of stories about chicks this week. Lots of titties are flopping around in the column today, so let’s start off with a pair of BIG ones:
AMERICA: PUSH IT OR LEAVE IT
Mr. America - aka Hulk Hogan - is gone… again.
Apparently, he didn’t REALLY sign a contract back when he announced on Smackdown that he did, either that or he signed one of those 6 month contract deals that the WWE is FAMOUS for. (I’m being sarcastic here, feebs)
Hogan left because he didn’t like the lack of push his character was getting. He was front and center in the main Smackdown angle with that one legged kid and Vince, only to watch as Stephanie became the kid’s main supporter and he sat quietly in the main event 6 man tagger with Angle and Lesnar.
His complaint: if the fans are cheering for him, then why, by God, doesn’t he get tagged in to give the fans something to pop for? It’s a good complaint too… I mean, fuck the script. Give the fans something to cheer for because newsflash: BROCK LESNAR LOOKS LIKE A MORON AS A BABYFACE!!!!
And of course, critics (YOU) scream bloody murder about this… How DARE that greedy sonafabitch throw ANOTHER fit about not being the center of the WWE he can diediediediedie!!!
Yeah, well… let’s consider this a second:
Hogan’s got money. More money than he could spend, probably. I believe my homies in the hood call this “fuck-you money”. Hogan did exactly what guys with fuck you money are supposed to do… he said to his boss, “Fuck you” and walked.
If you were Hogan… and you had “fuck you” money, and you watched Vince write in a story where he admitted to whoring his daughter out to prospective business partners and stuck this story in the middle of the YOUR story, making it a blatant attempt to take some of the heat you had going and give it to her…
…basically, what I’m asking is if you were Hulk Hogan and YOU were turned into just another attempt to get Stephanie McMahon over (this being… the 20th or so try), what would you do?
And let me ask this. You are Hulk Hogan with the Fuck You money and you witnessed first hand what the WWE “Creative” team is all about, what they do, how they operate, and how the needs and wants of the actual talent comes waaaay low on the list… again, I ask: what would you do?
Really, you have the money… you can sit home and chill out with the wife, kids, and Bubba the Love Sponge or you can spend your Tuesdays doing everything you can to get Stephanie that Face Heat they’ve been trying to get her for so long at the expense of your tuckus. WHAT WOULD YOU DO???
It’s amazing… Steve Austin does basically the same thing, twice, and he gets the benefit of the doubt. Hogan does it and is crucified.
And the answer, of course, is you would blast out of there faster than semen out of Peter North.
I know it’s tough… but try looking at stories likes these from a couple of DIFFERENT angles… okay, kids?
From one icon, we jump to another…
OH RODDY BOY, THE PIPES, THE PIPES ARE (STILL) CALLING…
Unlike the end of America-mania (for now… he’ll be back), this Piper story is pretty cut, dried, and finished with. He’s officially unemployed!
WRONG!!!!!!! According to the great IMDB.com, Piper is going to be busy with TWO - count ‘em – TWO movies GUARANTEED to put his monkey ass back where it belongs… ON THE A-LIST, BABY!!!
The first is called Cyber Meltdown written by Mary Case (hmm, smells like a Merchant Ivory production) and stars Robin Benincasa, Linda Blair, Jamie Farr
Roddy Piper, Omar Sharif, George Takei, Dawn Wells, and Biff Yeager
Omar Sharif? I thought he died?
JAMIE FARR!?!?!?! KLINGER IS STILL WORKING??? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!
The second movie is called Code Black it too is written by Mary case and it stars Joe Durrenberger, Erik Estrada, Timothy O'Keefe, Roddy Piper, Kari Rose, and and Biff Yeager
Biff Yeager again… I hope Roddy feels that weight on his COATTAILS!!!
The real treat here is that Code Black is directed by none other than the mighty SHATNER!!!! That’s right… James T himself.
Both films WILL be shot in color, by the way.
So, you see… Piper has NOTHING to worry about.
And let’s just hope that he had the brains to hire a few Jews to lord over his money back in the day.
Thanks to Derek Culp for the research and the info.
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MRS TRISH HYATTE
This is far bigger than an interview with Osama.
Boy, he ain’t kidding either.
Two weeks ago… the shit hit the fan and all hell broke loose and poor Trish Stratus was, no doubt probably scared off the net forever… all because of YOU
Someone sometimes runs around AIM claiming to be Trish Stratus… and does a damn good job at it too. Hell, I talked to her a few times myself (dedicated a song parody to her too)… she (or he, let’s be honest) has a BRILLAINT scam going.
If it is a scam. See, it could be the real girl too. I refuse to come right out and say either or… for reasons that will be made clear (and should be quite obvious already) later.
So, this Trish girl/guy/fake/real gave an interview to a nice enough fellow over at the smartmarks. It was her second interview with the guy. He posted it.
I’m sure this is old news to you, by now… but I have to quote this part because everyone else quoted it… yet they all ignored the mention of my name (the funniest part is when Scott Keith crowed about it, but couldn’t post the thing outright because of my name)
Where does Trish go when she’s online?
I visit The Torch, Wrestling Observer and PWBTS for show reports and what's going on. I love Hyatte's columns at 411Wrestling.com and chat to him from time to time. Scott Keith's rants are always a good way to while away the time, I even have a copy of his book. I enjoy the tape reviews (especially the shoot ones) at The Smart Marks.com. I visit the Wrestling Classics message board quite often but rarely post; it's a good read all the same. And of course www.TrishStratus.com
Just because everyone else IGNORED it (see, thought I was lying about that this whole time? HA! Proof is in the pudding, me laddies) let me point out something..
If she has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE TO DO WITH HER TIME… if her hair has been washed, her nails trimmed, her pet bathed, he toenails painted, her lawn mowed, her toilet cleaned, her dinner cooked and eaten, her TV on the fritz, whatever… if she is bored out of her skull… she will “while away the time” (ie: waste it) reading Scott Keith… she will peruse through the message boards and perhaps read an OCCASIONAL tape review…
But she LOVES reading Hyatte… and she LOVES talking to me too.
Key words: “Loves” and “Hyatte”…
Deal with that, losers.
Anyway… the interview was pulled because her own personal website stated that it was a complete fake and that someone must be running around CLAIMING to be Trish Stratus
Because Trish WOULDN’T do interviews unless they were WWE approved interviews and CERTAINLY, anything Trish MIGHT say to someone on the Net she would ONLY sday under complete confidence and privacy… like when she talks to Hyatte because Hyatte knows when to keep his fucking mouth shut and respect her privacy.
But it’s not her… the dude (named Retro Rob) pulled the interview on his own volition and asked me to come forward and admit that the girl with that screen name is Trish Stratus.
Nope. Ain’t gonna do it.
Meanwhile, every message board that I’ve seen has been DISSECTING her screen name and her profile on the Wrestling Classics board looking for clues, hints, and goddam PROOF as to whether it’s her or not… by God, they HAVE GOT TO KNOW IF THEY ARE BEING WORKED, OR IF A REAL LIFE HOTTIE/WRESTLER IS ACTUALLY POSTING ON THEIR SITE??? GOD, THAT WOULD BE SO COOL IF IT WAS HER!!! MAYBE SHE’LL TALK TO ME???? MAYBE SHE’LL LET ME HAVE SEX WITH HER?????
You BABIES!!!! IDIOTS!!!! DICKHEADS!!!!!!!
Now her screen name, whether it is her or not, is practically public knowledge and thus ruined… she can’t use it again… the second she comes on she’ll be MAULED by you fans… (and I know who shows up on AIM… post the chats right here… it ain’t pretty)… she’ll never come online again… you people ruined it for EVERYO… aww fuck that, you ruined it for ME!!!!
Now, listen carefully… try to understand this…
If her website says that person being interviewed was NOT Trish Stratus… then it wasn’t… it was a fake.
Why? Because if it WAS Trish, then she can get in biiig trouble (she probably already is) for being nice enough to give an interview (and I’m not saying she was coerced into giving the interview or that Retro Rob doublecrossed her by posting it… it was a legit interview and the PHONY knew what she was doing).
If it WAS Trish, then she was simply too damn nice for her own good and gave an interview probably unaware of all the hell it would raise.
If it WAS Trish… then clearly, the statements on her website about the fakery of all this sends the obvious signal to please LET THIS GO SO SHE CAN GO BACK TO CHILLING OUT ON THE NET WITHOUT GETTING HARRASSED BY EVERY LOSER WITH A MODEM AND A BONER!!!
It CAN’T be Trish… it’s NOT Trish… it’s a PHONY… because who really thinks the REAL Trish Stratus would admit to reading me? Jesus, 99% of the Internet can’t do that.
Please, people… you ninnies… drop this. Kill all the threads… and FOR GOD SAKES, WILL YOU MODERATORS PLEASE ELIMINATE THAT SCREEN NAME FROM YOUR BOARDS SO THE PHONY WON’T BE BURIED WITH MESSAGES THE VERY INSYTANT SHE LOGS ON???? God… even a FAKE Trish Stratus shouldn’t be subjected to an chat like this:
RSPWFAQ: So, I hear you read my books
Trish: Umm, yeah.
Ten minutes of silence later…
RSPWFAQ: So, umm… when will you be up in Vancouver again? Think maybe we can go to a movie or soemthing?
No… NONONO… PLEASE, PEOPLE!!! ERASE THAT SCREEN NAME!!
Guys… the girl is a human being… one who is nice enough to be fairly open with the fans. All she wants to do on those two measly days she has off is to chill out and fart around online. Over the last couple of weeks, you cherries just made all that a lot tougher for her to do. Good going. You all should be proud.
And to that PHONY BALONY FAKER… please follow my advice and ONLY let your buddy list people see you… because from now on, total (and very scary) strangers will assault you like crackheads assault the welfare office twice a month
And to the REAL Trish… who may or may not read this… I apologize on behalf of… well, I’m not going to call them my peers because it’s too damn embarrassing… I apologize on behalf of the internet… only I am as cool as I seem to be.
I’ll never marry that chick if she doesn’t come online so I can charm her… DON’T YOU PEOPLE GET IT???
Oh, and one last thing… if she posts shit, don’t make a fuss… don’t be like those A1 tools who cum in their pants whenever Mark Madden shows up in their forum… treat her like anyone else.
And don’t ask her for a stupid INTERVIEW… LET HER RELAX!! FOR CHRISSAKES!!! SHE REALLY HAS NOTHING TO ADD THAT HASN’T BEEN COVERED IN EVERY WWE SUPERSTAR INTERVIEW THAT HAS EVER BEEN DONE!! Other than the fact, of course, that she loves… not likes, LOVES Hyatte
Ugh… and you WONDER why the workers always surf in total privacy.
EVERYONE RISES AT DAWN
Someone out there doesn’t like Dawn Marie.
Now hoooold on, cowboys… I know, it’s tough to see why anyone wouldn’t like Dawn… don’t get yer ganders up ‘til you see what I’m talking about, okay?
Good… now that we are all nice and settled, prepare to be UNsettled… this is some hard-core stuff here.
Someone sent me to this site for some Trish Stratus gossip… the gossip being that she is still employed by the WWE because of her affair with the Rock. The Rock is also responsible for why she gets to continue working for the WWE without having to.. *ahem… lose weight. Yeah, see that Diva mag? Trish sure is a PORKER.
Anyway, the Trish news is crap… but then the writer, named L.E., got into Dawn Marie… and dished out some facts that WERE JUST TOO HOT TO HANDLE FOR THE NEWSLETTERS!!!
This guy has a HUGE hard-on for the girl… and not a GOOD hard-on either.
For instance… he says that Dawn Marie:
-Got to stay in ECW only because she consistently gave Paul Heyman good blowjobs.
-During her stay in ECW, she banged Heyman, Buh Buh Ray Dudley, and Stevie Richards
-All under Simon Diamond’s nose, by the way.
-The writer loudly wondered why the WWE would hire HER and not someone who is INTO the business like Jasmine St. Clair (yeah, maybe because Jasmine used to fuck guys on camera for a living) and wondered who Dawn Marie slept with in order to get INTO the company (well, we can cross out Patterson’s name from the list, but we’ll get to him later)
-The writer says that when ECW broke up and the talent hit the Indy circuit, Dawn developed a horrible rep for unprofessionalism… not to mention huge issues with jealousy and a SCORCHING cocaine addiction. (suddenly, I have a raging boner… no, really… I do)
-The writer accused DM of mailing Chastity’s (heh… tity… heh heh heh) porno tape to WCW, thereby getting her fired. And did DM even CARE that Chastity had a child to raise? He says NO!!
-Numerous catfights with Francine were shoots on DM’s part. And if DM was asked to job to Francine, hissy fits galore!!
So, according to L.E. Dawn Marie may very well be the lowest form of human pond scum this planet has to offer. And she hardly ever gives up the butt. (Bitch… FIRE HER, VINCE!!!)
If you want to read the article yourself… you may. Just keep in mind, it was written a year or so ago when she was just hired.
It’s called Wrestling Fiasco.com and apparently, it’s the TOP site for all the REAL rasslin’ dirt… why it didn’t make Flea’s list is beyond me.
Now we have MORE gossip to get into… and this stuff is even WORSE.
OFFERING PAT NO RESISTANCE
I’m sure you were asking yourself: Hey douchebag, why wasn’t Goldberg at RAW last week? That arm infection story seems a little hinky
Well, first of all, why are you calling yourself a douchebag even when you are talking to yourself? Go see a shrink, LOSER!
Second of all, did you also stop to wonder why the RAW tag champs, La Resistance, weren’t on the show… seeing how it was in MONTREAL, for Chrissakes?
Third of all, did you ever stop to wonder why La Resistance were pushed so damn quickly upon arrival?
Fourth of all, did it OCCUR to you that pat patterson is ALSO from Montreal?
Fifth of all, did it occur to you that you may be spending too much time ponmdering questons about fucking PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING??? I mean… do you REALLY want to think like Scott Keith? God… you are right about yourself… you really are a douchebag
Anyway… I got this e-mail last week explaining WHY Goldberg, La Resistance, and Patterson were NOT at RAW in Montreal. I have no clue if this is true… and my source’s name wasn’t giving me any clues (as you will see at the bottom)… but check this out:
Here’s a little dirt that, ironically, the dirtsheets just won’t publish…
I’m talking about that Sylvain Grenier guy, the Quebecois trying to play a French.
He gets a LOT of resentment from the Quebec indy scene because of how fast he got into the WWE, and how untalented and green he is. A lot of indy wrestlers feel he got through the ‘backdoor’, if you get my meaning. As a matter of fact, he’s been seen with Pat Patterson a lot, both before and following his hiring by the WWE.
The fact he first appeared on PPV as a ref between Hogan and Rock REALLY didn’t help his cause.
Anyway, everybody noticed that La Resistance didn’t make it to Raw in Montreal, in Grenier’s hometown. Isn’t that strange? The reason is simple… Grenier got REALLY rude chants, and I’m guessing McMahon, seeing this, decided not to go ahead with a Raw match, being that Raw is live and he can’t use canned heat. We heard about Goldberg’s arm infection, but come ON… ARM infection?
It was amazing how many people in the crowd picked up these chants… I blame the Quebec IWC (it’s huge, believe it or not) and the many indy guys who were in attendance.
Here’s a sampling of some of the chants… Honest, Montreal is such a brutal crowd:
- You sucked Pat
- Patty’s boy
- You suck cock
- You are gay
- Tu manges des graines (‘You eat cocks’ in French)
- Grenier sucks
- Pat fucks Grenier
Also, another funny item: If you saw a big, bald guy making an ass of himself during Raw by chanting his name NONSTOP for two hours, that was Carl "XL" Leduc, all coked up, and trying to get his name on television. He’s the son of Quebec legend Paul Leduc. That tells you a lot about the state of wrestling in Quebec, doesn’t it?
And that is from “Anonymous coward”.
I don’t know if this is true, as I stated up top… but let’s look at the facts:
1) It’s bad mouthing someone French
2) It’s bad mouthing someone Canadian
3) It involves Pat Patterson
4) It implies (*coughinvolvesshack*) riding the Hershey Highway
5) The French Canadian who sent me this pretty much admits to being a coward
Oh yeah… I’m running THIS bad boy.
THE NEW MISSY HYATT
Oh, I don’t KID, sir and ma’am… I recently read an interview with her that just REEKS of the type of class Missy exudes on a daily basis.
The interview was held during the very classy “Xtreme Mayhem” internet radio 50th edition brohaha. You can go to xtreme.themayhem.com and see it for yourself. I’m much too busy right now to provide a link for your lazy ass.
-In high school, she was only considered “cool by default” Yes… she was blonde, had nice tits, a sweet little ass, and a brain… she clearly MUST have been an UBER-NERD!!!
-Anyhoo, in March she showed up with Jerry Lynn at a few XPW shows and the other girls there were “mean as shit” to her. That’s “mean as shit”… how is shit mean, anyway? It does not have emotions… it’s not even alive. Perhaps the living BACTERIA living in all shit was mean to her… then she SHOULD have stated that all the girls were “mean as the paramecium that resides in feces to me”… that would have been a smarter, and more original.
-Nevertheless, Goldy blew off the mean people and carried herself with… dare I say CLASS at the show… and not ONCE did she act like she had a job at NWATNA which, of course, makes her much better than those XPF losers (yeah, but not by a whole lot, sweets)
-She declares that when Chris Daniels, Elix Skipper, and America’s Most wanted get together in the ring, they deliver “the shit”. (Most people use toilets… oh those wacky rasslers)
-She was once accosted at an airport… oh, I’m sorry, she was at a “fucking airport” when a little “shit” told her that wrestling was fake. She asked the kid if he was “fucking kidding her”, called him a “mothercracker”, asked him again if he “fucking thought that shit is fake” and if he did, then he has a “real problem”. She invited the kid to jump from twenty feet in the air and land on his “ass”.
She gets very offended at those type of comments… she’s seen wrestlers “hurting like a son of a bitch” after a show (yes, but babylove, normally, sons of bitches are hurting NOT because of wrestling, but because they are struggling with the fact that their mother is a canine, and their father must be one sick dude for sticking his pecker into a dog)
-Wshe sang the praises of Jeff Jarrett… who does everything backstage from dealing with advertisers, talent, and employees to cleaning out the stalls after each show. She says Jeff can usually be seen running around with a broom up his ass just so he can sweep up while working. On top of it all, Jeff then has to run out to the ring and beat the “shit” out of someone. Goldy loves watching Jeff work and challenges anyone to do what he does. (Oh with my tongue and MY long, strong fingers… I could do you juuuust fine, my darling. Name the time and the place…I’ll even bring the heroin, free of charge)
-She doesn’t read that “shit” on the Internet (umm, that’s probably on your screen, babe… grab some windex and watch what happens when you wipe)… it’s a waste of her time seeing all that negativity. (yeah but… who else but me even TALKS ABOUT YOU????)
And really… other than one or two writers… no one REALLY spends much time pissing on the NWA… it’s actually a kick ass promotion for the moment.
-After doing a WWE-ish type of ass kissing (everything’s fine, everything’s great, everyone really loves one another and helps each other out all the time), she and one of the interviewers did off the cuff songs about low hanging balls and somesuch… don’t forget, she is the female/rasslin’ version of Kid Rock, y’all!
So that’s Goldylocks… brash… unleashed… speaks her mind whenever she damn well pleases… full of piss, vinegar, and probably plenty of drugs. Plus, like Missy, she fucked Erik Watts (at least in the storyline… but Lord knows Russo loves to shove real life into things)
Nice girl… I still want to do her.
In an unrelated note: I may be getting a nice blowjob from a prostitute (22 years old… nice rack… bit of a mustache… bad teeth) next week… I’m still weighing the pros and cons.
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY
Hyatte- I think you should bring back the quotes section in your column. Hilarious stuff man.
"Shawn Michaels is so good, he reminds me of myself"-Jerry Lawler
I miss those too. The movie quotes were a riot also.
Problem is, I lost all the quotes I had on file in the giant computer purge/clean-out/repair in January. I am just too lazy to go hunting for more of them. Plus, whenever I am watching a movie, I NEVER seem to have a pad and/or pencil at the ready.
So in case you were wondering… that’s what happened.
HE WAS THE ONE WE TRUSTED. HE WAS OUR… AMIGO
I did this story a couple of years ago already, and I have told my personal tale a few dozens times already too, but both bears repeating one more time:
Here’s the thing.
There once was a site named Scoops that had a very popular following. In the days of this new fangled thing called the IWC, Scoops was King. (I dare say Scoops was IWC before the word was even invented)
Then the head news writer/site owner/wrestling mark Al Isaacs hired a brash, witty, young writer to recap Raw and Nitro. Young writer called his recaps “The Mop-Up”
That young jackanape was known as Hyatte.
Hyatte made the Mop-Up very popular. Soon, Scoops was known for two things, not just one.
Hyatte assisted Al in making Scoops so big that real money started coming in. Hyatte started to get paid.
But Hyatte started getting too brash and too witty for his own good. Scoops inc, fearing headaches and lawsuits, started editing Hyatte’s column down to nothing.
Hyatte, like Farrah Fawcett before him, lept out of the burning bed and ran like hell before the flames engulfed him. Like a thief in the night, Hyatte ran.
Scoops, not knowing what to do, pretended that Hyatte never existed. “Hyatte? Who is this Hyatte? We have FREAKBOY, not Hyatte”
Hyatte turned up at ScoopThis for a while, then went to a small, nothing site called 411 with the agenda to make this site as big as possible! (and damn if I’m not getting the job done). He’s been there ever since and has become bigger than EVER!!
Scoops hung in there a’while… joined IGN.com for a’while… then quietly went away.
Al tried to re-kindle the old days a few times… but it was never the same.
And now… six years after a young, fiery magpie with awe and wonder in his eye submitted his first Mop-Up to the Man They Called Al, at a magical place they called Scoops. The young, innocent knave has become young-ish, a little less naïve, and a little more jaded. While Scoops has… well, when you visit Scoops…it’s… dammit, it’s…
It’s now a pay per porn site:
DIANA'S LIVE CAM
Hi, my name is Diana. I made this website to show off on my webcam when my folks are not at home.
Come and see me playing with myself live on my webcam! You don't need a credit card to see me!!!
Click Here Now To See Me Live
And if you do click, you get sent to, and practically held hostage at, a special “pay per climax” deal where you can watch girls do things until you reach… well, you know.
And the girl showcased on this page is just alright. Nothing special. You know the drill.
And somewhere deep inside a man who just doesn’t care anymore, there is a young recapper with hope in his eyes that is weeping… weeping.
Ironically, I e-mailed Diana and asked what happened to Al. She said she didn’t know but announced that Yokozuna’s death was a work and he will be re-joining the WWE again very soon.
Widro… Ashish… take note. This is what happens when Hyatte jumps sites. And no one is looking for a Clara Flynn Boyle webcam…
MY THREE STOOGES
I want to make one thing clear right now… I, like almost everyone else, do NOT visit Online Onslaught on any other other than an occasional semi basis. I understand I am not well liked on the message boards over there and some moron over there likes to “parody” my column specifically to show everyone that someone dos it better. It’s one of those things, I guess, where Rick likes to pretend I don’t exist (he always does that… 12 years on the net and he hasn’t changed his game one bit) but his WRITERS speak for him… ooo… ahh… very impressive… whatever.
I like kicking “The Rick” around these days because he’s nice and down and out… because back in the day, when Wrestleline was making all the marks cream their shorts, the Rick strutted around like he actually meant something to the IWC scene. I kicked him around back then too… to be honest.
Anyway, I remember one time the Rick announced in his column (this was years ago) that he was promoted in his real job (guess what, it involved WEB DESIGN!!! No kidding… in other news: water is wet and dirt is messy) with a HUGE new set of responsibilities and a way cool hike in salary.
At the end of his tooting, the Rick proudly stated that he got all this without ONCE “getting a hair cut”… not in 15 years has a pair of scissors cut his glorious locks.
I thought was was a rather dippy thing to crow about… Jesus… brag about curing cancer or nailing that tricky “perpetual motion” machine or tongue kissing Julia Roberts… who the fuck cares about a web guy’s HAIR??
So, anyway… it stuck with me over the years… just sitting in the back of my mind, waiting for an opportune moment to be used… when Jay Bower sent me this link.
What you are seeing (or saw, or about to see) is the first and maybe only online picture of Rick Scaia (I think… how would I know if it’s really him… sort of looks like Brian Michael Bendis to tell you the truth). Not a bad looking fellow… the picture cuts off above the chin but you just may be able to spot a bit of double chinnish hanging down under his jaw. He looks like a geeky guy trying real hard to look cool and tough. Either way, he looks better than Scooter Keith and CRZ.
But where, pray tell, is his hair? Where are those long, glorious tresses that have avoided the barber the way most urban youths avoid 5-0?
Oh dear, it looks like the Rick… savage, hard drinking, all night rocking, wench ravaging VIKING that he always claimed to be has fought a mighty battle with male patterned baldness and has LOST quite resoundly.
In other words… can’t be a hippie when the hairline receeds all the way down to Mexico!! HAWHAWHAW…
Oh, and check his Bio:
From the “Mythical land of Dayton” The Rick is the unchallenged lord and master of OnlineOnslaught.com. He likes whiskey, rock 'n' roll, and Ivory. He dislikes kitties, puppies, hampsters, hippies, bunnies, teddy bears, Bud Selig, reality TV, and having to section his own grapefruit.
Oddly enough, he didn’t list “the clitorus” as one of his dislikes.
So, the question isn’t WHY I pick on him and send girls out to seduce him just to goof on his ineptness… the question is WHY DOES HE MAKE IT SO EASY??
Heh… bald ass wittle viking. Forsooth, geekboy…
You meet some of the most interesting people on AIM:
Note the time this first chat with my “voicemail” message took place.
BudSmith74 (3:31:54 AM): i love u
Auto response from Hyatte1com (3:31:54 AM): This is the net's version of an answering machine, which means I'm screening your lovely, shapely, sexy, GodI'mhorny ass.
BudSmith74 (3:32:36 AM): u are the best
BudSmith74 (3:34:19 AM): im drrunk, and i get more pussy then a little bit, and i read your shit every monday
BudSmith74 (3:34:24 AM): u fuck
BudSmith74 (3:34:50 AM): i hate y
BudSmith74 (3:34:52 AM): u
BudSmith74 (3:35:00 AM): i do.
BudSmith74 (3:35:02 AM): really
BudSmith74 (3:35:36 AM): if u take another day off im gonna fuck zr's ol' lady
BudSmith74 (3:35:49 AM): czr what ever
BudSmith74 (3:36:01 AM): u fuck
BudSmith74 (3:36:16 AM): i love u
BudSmith74 (3:36:48 AM): your as popolar as mario mancini
BudSmith74 (3:36:57 AM): u fuck
This next one I was lucky enough to be online for.
HotLips134l: hey whore face
HotLips134l: How's your next shitty wrestling column going ?
Hyatte1com: er... "whore face"?
HotLips134l: I betcha it's just as shitty as ever.
HotLips134l: yeah you McDonalds Dollar Menu whore , maybe I can show you how to write one correctly some day "EH?"
Hyatte1com: McDonalds Dollar Menu whore?
HotLips134l: yeah you like that ?
Hyatte1com: it's original
HotLips134l: yes, I pride myself on originality.
Hyatte1com: yeah, Loretta Switt called, she wants her screen name back, Ms. Originality
HotLips134l: I love to read all these columns where you and all your buddies banter and make fun of eachother and play a game of oneupsmanship with eachother , who can use the most $10 dollar words.
HotLips134l: Or who knows how long Bob Ortons title reign lasted.
Hyatte1com: I've never debated the length of a Bob Orton title reign
HotLips134l: yes I know, I was only using it as an example .
Hyatte1com: I'm not sure Bob Orton ever had a title reign of any kind, for that matter
HotLips134l: Or I know! How bout we talk about Scotsman and how we play internet chess together!! Yes that is it!! Fans want to read that.
Hyatte1com: Fans like to read about Scott keith doing lame things.
Hyatte1com: and I have the e-mails to prove it
HotLips134l: well that's because scott keith is a fag. he's a poorman's hyatte .
Hyatte1com: and they played cribbage... not chess
Hyatte1com: sort of makes it worse, doesn't it?
HotLips134l: yes, it does make it worse .
HotLips134l: alot worse
Hyatte1com: you are not a girl. I'm sorry, but you're a guy... aren't you
HotLips134l: ohh, how could you guess ?
Hyatte1com: no girl would have "I NEED SEX" on her profile
HotLips134l: Cracked out sex fiends would.
Hyatte1com: Cracked out sex fiends would've hocked their computers a long time ago
HotLips134l: do you actually think half the people on the internet would think that far ahead .
Hyatte1com: probably not, no
HotLips134l: there you go.
Jesus… somewhere, Alan Alda is weeping… poor Hoolihan… poor Margurite… she never did find much work after M*A*S*H*… and now look at her.
THE STRAIGHTENING OF BILLY GUNN
I don’t know what’s more annoying: The fact that every single web guy “news reporter”
Is once again showinbg off their “insider” knowledge by screaming: OH LOOK, VINCE PUT BILL GUNN WITH TORRIE!!! THIS IS THERE WAY OF MAKING SURE WE ALL KNOW THAT BILLY GUNN IS STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW!!! HA HA HA, WE ARE ALL TOO SMART FOR THE WWE TO GET AWAY WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS!!! WE KNOW EVERYTHING!!! WE SEE EVERYTHING!!! BUY OUR NEWSLETTER!!! BUY MY BOOK!!! CAN’T YOU SIMPLETONS SEE THAT WE KNOW EVERYTHING????
Or the fact that with all their brains, with all their knowledge, with all their in-sight, with all their CONNECTIONS, not one single web guy has noticed the little subtle way the company is “straightening” Mr. Ass.
Look at his hair… balding up top (must’a dropped those hair transplants), combed back, but left free and without any sort of gel. It’s long and full but cut short around the neck… basically a wild bowl cut… or perhaps a German helmut cut… yes, a German helmet cut.
Basically, Billy Gunn’s new hairstyle now makes him look like a human penis.
Why am I, the dude with NO knowledge, in-sight, or CONNECTIONS, the only one who noticed right away how Billy Gunn has been made to look like a full blown HETERO penis from head to toe? Why am I the only one who caught that subtle little move to ingratiate the man’s non-gayness into our sub-conscious?
Probably because I’m the fucking most brilliant guy around… that’s why.
Hey, speaking of big penises…
THE LAS VEGAS TROUSER SNAKE
Say you are a male stripper. Because of whatever kindness God smiled down on your loser ass, you have been blessed with a gigantic enchilada. No, really, girls see you and faint… guys see you and applaud… you almost faint whenever you get aroused because the rush of all that blood to one place makes you light-headed. It’s big.
So, early on, you realize what a treasure you have and see to it that the rest of the package is presentable. You maintain a 6 pack of abs, a deep pair of pecs, swollen arms, shoulders, legs, 0% body fat, your hair is styled and trimmed and current.
So you live in Vegas… where the girls are either high class or scum class, no in-betweens there and you are making decent money performing at clubs and at parties and it’s all well and good. Very occasionally, you’ll get to be molested by a hottie, but for the most part, you’re dealing with middle-aged housewives with three chins and an ass the size of a slot machine. Often you wonder, as we all have: Is there more to life than this? Is this all I’m ever going to be? A boy toy for lonely, fat, smelly, pigs with wrinkles? You consider suicide, possibly by choking to death while in the midst of self-fellatio.
Then something happens… something wonderful.
You get booked for a typical bachelorette party. The tips’ll be great, but chances are, you’ll get manhandled by some chick who looks like Wilford Brimley. You know you’ll have to smile, laugh, and act like you’re having the time of your life… it’s hard work having a huge monster in your trou.
You show up at the party, ready for whatever beast-thingsd await you in the room… and look who you get:
All hot, all drunk, all in the mood for some cock… YOURS
And even if it’s only Ivory who wants some private time… still, she ain’t bad… is she.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to go to bed tonight knowing that sometimes the sun shines just a bit harder on you when you’re feeling down and out. Sometimes God does smile on all of us: the wretched, the abused, the unwashed… and I want you to remember that even guys with massive peckers need a break sometimes… and sometimes they get it.
Unless, of course, the stripper who worked Torrie’s bachelorette party was a homo… I hear most of them are. Then they get what they deserve… GIANT PENISES DO NOT BELONG ANYWHERE NEAR HAIRY, SMELLY, MALE ASSES!!! THEY JUST DON’T!!!! NO, NO, NO, NO!!!
Shit just ain’t right.
And now, we get to take it home with a very special LIST… apparently, everyone LOVES lists…
THE IWF 100 SUMMER EDITION
I have no problems being 007 on Flea’s big IWC Summer List… which, by the way, is now FULLY loaded with commentary and links to EVERYPLACE the people on the list are at.
I also have no problem announcing that MY personal, number 1 reaction to the list when Flea read it to me was: WHO???. I don’t know who about 60 of those people are… and only have a vague idea® of who 20 of the ones I do know are.
But you know what… the list is talked about… gushed over, and scrutinized… and do I get a thank you? Hell no… oh wait, yeah I did… forget it.
But I got to thinking… why should Flea be the only one who does lists? Why can’t I rip someone ELSE off for a change? By God, I said, I’ll do it!!
Presenting… in no real order below #25, the official IWF 100
(IWF meaning, of course, “I Wanna Fuck” 100)
Ready? Good… and if you are looking for comments on the lists of people here… piss off…
1) Eliza Dushku
2) Katie Holmes
3) Britney Spears
4) Page the Runner Up on For Love Or Money
5) Tiffani Thiessan
6) Carmen Electra
7) Trish Stratus
8) Alyssa Milano
9) Morgan Fairchild (during her Flamingo Road period)
10) Chasey Lane
11) Sindee Coxx (although she’s gotten fat, last time I looked)
13) Heather Graham
14) Angelina Jolie
15) Mariah Carey
16) Christina Agularia
17) Some chick named Amanda (she knows who she is)
20) Jenna Jameson
21) Nikki Cox
22) Gwyneth Paltrow
23) Jennifer Love Hewitt
24) Anna Kournakova
25) Missy Hyatt
26) Ellen Barkin (Sea of Love days)
29) Courtney Love
30) Selma Blair
31) Salma Hayek
32) Madonna (Like A Virgin days
33) Jill Kelly
34) Your girlfriend
35) Georgie Makropolis (just to make Scherer’s head explode)
36) Jennifer Aniston
38) Diane Lane
39) Jennifer Connelly
40) Drew Barrymore
41) Alicia Silverstone (Aerosmith video days)
42) Angie Everhart
44) Christina Applegate (Married With Children days)
45) Daisy Fuentes
46) Jennie Garth
47) Pamela Anderson
48) Neve Cambell
49) Li’l Kim
50) Florida from Good Times
52) Lisa Boyle
53) Amanda Peet
54) Alicia Copella
55) My Mother
56) Your Mother
57) Jordanna Brewster
58) Hilary Duff
59) Kari Wuerer
60) Alicia Keys
61) Michelle Branch
62) Dawn Marie
64) Lisa B
65) Jamie Lunar
66) Darla from Angel
67) Sarah Michelle Gellar
69) Holly Marie Combs
70) Lara Flynn Boyle
71) Samatha Fox
74) 411’s only female moderator
75) the Spanish chick who lives in the building I watch part time
76) my cousin Kelly (about 15 years ago)
77) the prostitute with whom I am considering paying for a blowjob
78) Rose McGowen
79) Joan Severance
81) Girl I saw walking her dog the other day
82) Jasmine St. Claire
83) Mandy Moore
84) That Torch chick
85) Girl in San Francisco who gave me my tattoo
86) Ana Alicia (Falcon Crest days)
87) One of Letterman’s models
88) the bratty red-headed chick on Melrose Place
89) Denise Richards
90) Either one of the Bush daughters
91) Tara Reid
92) Michelle Bourget (first girl whom I really loved)
93) Amy the ex.
94) Melissa the ex
95) Sarah Blade
96) Justine Bateman (Family Ties years)
97) Your sister
98) Stephanie McMahon
There you have it… now open A MILLION THREADS AND DISCUSS!!
And maybe for the next list… I’ll stretch it out to the full 100.
Man, this was tough. I’m exhausted.
Next week, READING MATERIAL! And a thesis on the career of Sylvester Stallone… no, really.
And maybe some hot hollywood gossip? We’ll see.
I am offically wiped… I’m out of here, daddio.
TU MANGES DES GRAINES!!! THAT’S RIGHT TU MANGING THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE GRAINES!!! Oui! Goddam OUI!!
Bonjour you cockknockers
Es un Hyatte